[-]

posing_a_q@reddit

"He is so dumb, that If you throw him in a barrel full of tits, he will still come out sucking his thumb"

[-]

wizzzadora@reddit

Wolly. Used it once in retaliation to someone shouting at me in a fit of road rage. My non-UK husband thought it was just about the most British thing he’d ever seen.

[-]

Ok_Astronaut_9197@reddit

Bringing Twat back this summer. Looking forward to it.

I live alone.

[-]

Obstacle616@reddit

"what a twat" is a delightfully rhythmic sentence.

....until you hear an American try it "what a twot"

[-]

banananey@reddit

If I ever heard an American say 'Those twats Graham & Craig have aluminium noodles' (they call ALL pasta noodles ffs) I would explode with rage.

[-]

AdministrativeBike45@reddit

Emphasis on the “at” Not said like “not” or “ott”

[-]

SoloMarko@reddit

I think it's because of the way they say, 'SWAT', so it throws them.

[-]

Ok_Astronaut_9197@reddit

Yeah my wife is Canadian, they butchered it when I used to pop over for Xmas. Not been back since 1987.

[-]

NoBerryJam@reddit

Twat is my go to word.

Fucking twat Dozy twat Thick twat Dirty twat Ugly twat Lazy twat Fat twat Absolute twat Twatty twat......

The list is endless 😂 there's a twat for every occasion

[-]

ShortyDR@reddit

I use twat waffle as an insult. Makes no sense but really rolls off the tongue.

[-]

ForeverPhysical1860@reddit

Yes! Utter TWAT! is a good combination also m

[-]

BleepingBleeper@reddit

I like “actual twat.” My ex said it about her ex, years ago me and it struck me as hilarious for some reason.

[-]

sybil-vimes@reddit

Not some wannabe twat but an actual twat

[-]

Zealousideal-Set-592@reddit

I play the Witcher. My non British husband found it hilarious when I'd yell at the screen 'draw your sword you knobbing twat!'

[-]

SoloMarko@reddit

If I had a wife that shouted 'draw your sword you knobbing twat!' at a computer game, I would laugh pretty much everyday remembering it, and I would tell anyone and everyone about it.

[-]

Zealousideal-Set-592@reddit

Lol. He did! Pretty sure he even recorded me and shared it to his friends' group chat.

[-]

Longjumping-Act9653@reddit

Twat is brilliant when said with the same plosive force as Danny Dyer when he used it to describe David Cameron.

[-]

Serendipity_Shadows@reddit

I understand that last year was 'brat' summer.

Bring on the Twat Summer!

[-]

Blueeyes85xx@reddit

For me, it’s probably ‘you muppet’ or ‘don’t be such a numpty.’ Also partial to ‘he’s about as sharp as a wet sponge.’ 🧽

[-]

Missdebj@reddit

A colleague says numpty and it makes me cringe every time

[-]

Blueeyes85xx@reddit

Yea not a fan of numpty, not sure why lol

[-]

ShutUpBaby-IKnowIt69@reddit

A one legged man in an arse kicking contest

[-]

scouse_git@reddit

Yep. Muppet is the go-to insult for definitive Englishness.

[-]

Blueeyes85xx@reddit

It’s the only answer really 🤣 especially when driving ‘what an absolute muppet!’

[-]

Ok_Profile9400@reddit

I’m the 90’s I got sent to detention for calling a teacher a Tosser, when I told my dad he laughed and said “yeah well, he is a bit of a tosser ain’t he”

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Lol. As an ex- teacher, this level of support is what I love about parents.

[-]

CornishGoldtop@reddit

As a (female) ex teacher myself, tosser would have been a term of endearment. Carpet muncher was one of my least favourite names.

[-]

In Oz it was known as " rug muncher". At my first share house, during uni, we had a plaque next to the front door that had a cleverly executed version of the uni's logo on it and the words," Rug Munchers Retreat". There was only one girl living there, mind. One day she was in the garden and a woman pulled up in front of the gate and told her," Yes, when I was a student we were so poor we had to eat the carpet,too"

[-]

DropDeadFredidit@reddit

I quite like “toss pot” too

[-]

Puzzleheaded-Car3562@reddit

I use 'fuckwit' often . It's very flexible and adaptable.

[-]

JedAndWhite@reddit

I'm finding myself using Knobhead a lot recently. Started using it to refer to my dogs, but it's slipped into use in other situations too

[-]

Orange-Squashie@reddit

One that my mother said to me once that I now use often -

"you might as well walk around carrying a plant to replace the oxygen you waste"

[-]

Latter-Employer4280@reddit

Cunt.

One beautiful simple word is all i need. I say to everyone and smile while i say it.

[-]

srnic1987@reddit

Cock Womble

[-]

HomeConstant6123@reddit

Div and Divvy don't get used often enough anymore. Always a favourite.

[-]

aviewfrom@reddit

Shitweasel

[-]

No_Election_1123@reddit

My (US) wife was in the UK for the first time in her life and we were in M&S where a very young girl was trying on shoes with her mother

She took one look at the shoes her mother was getting her to try on and declared “Mother, these shoes are absolutely horrid!”

My wife fell in eternal love with precocious British children there and then

[-]

KatVanWall@reddit

I was recently in a (British) playground with my daughter and a very quiet and demure British-Indian little girl. They were playing and she says to my daughter ‘How do you run like that?!’ ‘Like what?’ says my daughter, and the girl says with great emphasis, ‘Like a bloody cheetah!’ 😂

[-]

Fliccy83@reddit

This is hilarious! I love it when little kids swear and say stuff they shouldn’t but obviously don’t realise!! And then we try not to smile and laugh!

[-]

thomasgamer99@reddit

Wouldn't really call it swearing but yes it is funny

[-]

Lou-de-Lou-de-Lou@reddit

🤣

[-]

SoloMarko@reddit

Lmao!

[-]

Sweet_Focus6377@reddit

Totally Cheltenham that.

I worked in Cheltenham for a while, they are totally different breed to the rest of the country. 😎

[-]

Spiritual-Mango287@reddit

Howling at this especially bc I have spent many hours in that specific M&S

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

I take it she was a well brought up young lady. ie posh. The use of " horrid" sorta gives it away. Where I come from it'd be "Muuum, these shoes are fucked!". Nuff said.

[-]

Most-Needleworker454@reddit

Mate honestly I read Cheltenham and thought there’s no fucking way this girl said that. Then I saw m&s

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Lol

[-]

sanctum9@reddit

I don't like your tweed sir.

[-]

glh2009@reddit

Ya cunt.

[-]

No-Permission-7723@reddit

You balloon

[-]

Ok_Heart_7193@reddit

Ya chube!

Context: Scots insult, trans. ‘you tube’, referencing the quote “Most men are of naught more use in their lives but as machines for turning food into s—-." Often paraphrased as, “Most people are just tubes that turn food into s—-“

[-]

RecognitionAbject762@reddit

Ya wankfuck.

[-]

Dave-Carpenter-1979@reddit

Are you Scottish by any chance?

[-]

Dave-Carpenter-1979@reddit

I generally don’t go around insulting people. It’s not my nature. However, I do use a vocabulary of “insulting” words, but no one has ever pulled me on it.

[-]

Stefgrep66@reddit

Shit for brains

[-]

OriginalStockingfan@reddit

You muppet!

[-]

Melj84@reddit

My personal faves are wazzock, pillock, numpty and spanner.

Although I often call my son & his partner Spoons 😂

[-]

Pale_Slide_3463@reddit

I say you’re a took

[-]

Melj84@reddit

I often add "But not a very useful one" to this

[-]

soupywarrior@reddit

My dad’s favourite is dipstick, as in ‘He’s a right dipstick, he is.’

[-]

Single-Major2055@reddit

My dad constantly called me dipstick growing up. I was in my 20’s when he started calling me dipshit instead.

[-]

Melj84@reddit

Ha, same! My dad still likes to call us dipsticks sometimes. I think he spent so long saying it that it just slips out sometimes. 😂

[-]

slimbigpoppa@reddit

Divvy

Gimp

Goon

[-]

noodle-bum@reddit

Dingbat!

[-]

Raggsy13@reddit

You daft cunt.

Or if im really going for it.

You stupid bloody idiot

[-]

Jimmy_The_Spark@reddit

I'm a big fan of "Aye, very good" when someone thinks they're being funny

[-]

weird-saxon@reddit

Begins with c and ends with t

[-]

Expert-Firefighter48@reddit

CAT 🐈!!

[-]

Krowk90@reddit

My favourite is from Blackadder, "If a cannibal opened up your skull, they wouldn't find enough to cover a wet biscuit!"

I use it when someone decides to be stupid

[-]

Expert-Firefighter48@reddit

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce? -Edmund Blackadder

[-]

emilybulldogstgeorge@reddit

When talking about someone in a sympathetic way....that poor sod.

[-]

MrsWaltonGoggins@reddit

I like using “wazzock” at the moment

[-]

Missdebj@reddit

My American friend has just been visiting and she noted my road rage goes from ‘mate’ to ‘wazzock’ to ‘fuckwit’

[-]

marsarefromspiders@reddit

I've always enjoyed the word wazzock. It's delightful to say!

[-]

MrsWaltonGoggins@reddit

I don’t mind a bit of “pillock” either

[-]

marsarefromspiders@reddit

Oooh yes, I agree... "he's a right pillock, that one!"

[-]

Sheppitsgal@reddit

Spawny-eyed, parrot-faced wazzock? https://youtu.be/I2AcJSkUw6M?si=jWGqZX4EGH8gSVuE

[-]

songbolt@reddit

What does this mean?

[-]

MrsWaltonGoggins@reddit

I just use it to mean an idiot or twat really. Stupid and/or annoying person.

[-]

songbolt@reddit

Sounds like a racist slur. lol

Maybe because it rhymes with Cassock

[-]

AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

Craig Charles on Radio 6 says wazzock quite a lot and it really brings a smile to my face every time, perfectly underrated

[-]

GrannyWeatherwaxscat@reddit

Because you’re not allowed to say wanker on air.

[-]

TheOneCalamity@reddit

I'm glad he's still around, he was calling people Wazzocks on Takeshis castle when I was a kid

[-]

AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

Just realised I’ve gone through the Craig Charles pipeline as I’ve grown older. Takeshi’s castle to Robot Wars to Red Dwarf to Radio 6. What a treasure

[-]

TheOneCalamity@reddit

All of those were childhood favourites of mine, mostly repeats on Dave/Gold/challenge/any of those other repeat channels. He's definitely an underappreciated treasure.

[-]

CosmicBonobo@reddit

I remember when The Girlie Show nominated him as their wanker of the week' as, at one point, he was on three channels on a Friday night - Red Dwarf on BBC 2, Funky Bunker on ITV and Captain Butler* on Channel 4.

[-]

Ophiochos@reddit

Wait, wasn’t Red Dwarf first?

[-]

wireswires@reddit

Not heard that for a while, nice one!

[-]

funkidflash22@reddit (OP)

nah i prefer twazzok

[-]

MrsWaltonGoggins@reddit

Not familiar with that one

[-]

Odd_Government3204@reddit

I refer you to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram

[-]

Awkward_Squad@reddit

Ah, yes. Classic.

For the uninitiated, this refers to a response to a solicitor’s letter to the satirical UK magazine Private Eye. The letter demanded a retraction plus costs to an article it published. The response to which was “We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.”

[-]

pleiadeslion@reddit

Fur coat and no knickers

[-]

Awkward_Squad@reddit

My variation on that is ‘All mouth and no trousers’

[-]

fothergillfuckup@reddit

A slight shake of the head, then mutter "bellend" under your breath. I find it fits every situation.

[-]

ApplicationKlutzy208@reddit

I use 'wanker' pretty often. Mostly while driving tbh. Spanner is up there, too.

"About as useful as a chocolate teapot" is another one I use fairly often

[-]

banananey@reddit

Twat, melt & spanner are great.

[-]

Bloxskit@reddit

HAMOOOOOOOND you blithering idiot!!

[-]

Smithstar89@reddit

You couldn't empty a bucket with instructions on the bottom...

[-]

missfifitrix@reddit

Utter plank

[-]

boondocks-888@reddit

Knobend

[-]

britishink@reddit

Fucking spanner! Gobshite also gets used a fair bit. Confusing the locals...

Brit living in America

[-]

isacatabeast@reddit

Gobshite is an underrated insult

[-]

kollectivist@reddit

It's truly one of the greats.

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Ha ha! You must enjoy living in gobshite central!

[-]

Mister_Snark@reddit

Dear Lord, what a sad little life, Jane. You ruined my night completely so you could have the money and I hope now you can spend it on lessons in grace and decorum. Because you have all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on.

[-]

Consistent-Concern42@reddit

I don't get it.

[-]

Gubbins95@reddit

Look it up on YouTube, it’s a classic

[-]

Responsible_Wall6834@reddit

Not sure they need to; it’s a quote from that part of Come Dine With Me.

[-]

Consistent-Concern42@reddit

Have you?

[-]

Mister_Snark@reddit

Not a true Brit then.

[-]

Alexthegr82006@reddit

Sorry he doesn’t watch crap tv 😂

[-]

Weird-Weakness-3191@reddit

FFS🥴🤡

[-]

Evening-Tomatillo-47@reddit

Don't know what the problem is, it IS crap tv

[-]

Consistent-Concern42@reddit

Not if you don't know the full exchange no.

[-]

wjp666@reddit

You wouldn’t, love.

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Ooooooh! Snarky???

[-]

Alexthegr82006@reddit

Final insult from come dine with me or something

[-]

MovingTarget2112@reddit

What’s come dine with me?

[-]

gothfather3@reddit

Google it mate

[-]

Cockatoo82@reddit

You wouldn't would ya love, there's nothing going on up there.

[-]

Jabba-narc@reddit

Well you wouldn’t

Let's be honest there's nobody in there love

[-]

Wickedbitchoftheuk@reddit

Omg, YES!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[-]

xxxRedditPolicexxx@reddit

Shouldn’t this be bin lorry?

[-]

youreawizerdharry@reddit

surprisingly good analysis https://youtu.be/xcX1_NeTD1s

[-]

C2H5OHNightSwimming@reddit

Just wait until you hear this banger

https://youtu.be/rqG-CTEjv30?si=kB3pQx4NUpDzyZK3

[-]

Illustrious_Cycle797@reddit

How am i just jearing this now. Hilarious. Thank you for sharing 🤣

[-]

SoloMarko@reddit

Well, I liked it :)

[-]

lewlewlaser03@reddit

Omg yes, I’ve used this waaay too much.

[-]

pavlovs_pavlova@reddit

So Jane, take your money and get off my property.

[-]

Mister_Snark@reddit

[-]

Japanese-Gigolo@reddit

Fuck up a good cunt.

[-]

magicpjj@reddit

Tit Head

[-]

UltraFarquar@reddit

You complete and utter Tit!!

[-]

boffles77@reddit

You couldn't run a tap.

[-]

mrmarmite68@reddit

Fucktard! Seems to capture everything in one go.

[-]

Evening_Border8602@reddit

Arse is one of the most versatile words in the English language. Bit polite for me, though. Cunt or Wankstain also useful.

[-]

zoe2397@reddit

Think nobhead is a well used UK phrase. Us Liverpudlians do seem to enjoy the term fuck off you sausage

[-]

Live-Spinach4329@reddit

What a total fanny.

[-]

Pale-Independence971@reddit

You're as useful as a chocolate fireguard. Or you absolute fuckin' spakker. Or you're as mad as a box of frogs. Or you complete and utter cunt/dick/fuck stain. Or the best part of you ran down your mother's leg. Or if you really want to do a number simply say "It is better to be presumed an idiot than it is to open your mouth and remove all doubt".

[-]

Ok-Alps-8896@reddit

Calling someone a ‘Toby’

[-]

booers79@reddit

Bell end

[-]

tessaterrapin@reddit

Knob.

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

My fave pom expression! Still got a copy of Viz where the Bee Gees are described as " buck- toothed, bat- voiced bellends"!

[-]

unbilotitledd@reddit

Bell whiff

[-]

white_hart_2@reddit

Dimmock.

Or "Bleedin' Pranny".

[-]

ghostoftommyknocker@reddit

Pillock, knob(head).

My most Welsh insult is twp.

My most Welsh learner insult is carrot (you absolute carrot). IYKYK.

[-]

Slutty_Foxx@reddit

Div

[-]

lilbunnygal@reddit

Numpty is by far and wide my favourite insult.

[-]

Cheeseburgernat@reddit

Not sure if these are TOTALLY British but "wank stain" I often use. Sometimes "you're a waste of a wank"

[-]

whiskeysmoker13@reddit

I love wank stain...I use it all the time. My son gets very irritated by my use of it, generally directed at him lol

[-]

OXYmoronismic@reddit

Wanker tosser twat c*nt etc

[-]

ForeverPhysical1860@reddit

Cockwomble is vert satisfying

[-]

dregjdregj@reddit

Cunty bollocks

[-]

BassplayerDad@reddit

Cheeky bastard?

[-]

zeyooni@reddit

Twerp

[-]

Haunting_Average5784@reddit

Complete cockwomble! Works as banter, a swear word when you mess up or even as a proper insult.

[-]

RomfordGeeza@reddit

My daughter called me a muppet the other day. Very proud moment.

[-]

Speedpacer17@reddit

You’re as much use as a chocolate teapot.

[-]

Eric_Birling@reddit

‘You sausage’

[-]

Few-Dragonfruit3351@reddit

You absolute (insert random object).

[-]

MelonpanShan@reddit

"You absolute weapon"

"Are you TRYING to be a menace to society or"

[-]

sunsetskylanes@reddit

Ya fuckin sausaagggeee

[-]

BuyLower4844@reddit

Muppets

[-]

glitterballxoxo@reddit

Gimp

[-]

JosKarith@reddit

"You absolute bellend" is my preferred comment on someone else's driving.

[-]

Bipolar03@reddit

If you're with your friend and you both see someone you hate. You point & say "look there's your best friend."

[-]

Inner_Bit844@reddit

You utter plonker!

[-]

Diega78@reddit

Weapons grade imbecile / cretin

[-]

ExpectedBehaviour@reddit

I'm quite partial to "berk" since it's essentially a very polite way of saying the c-word.

[-]

Sonzscotlandz@reddit

Yer da sells hash

[-]

SteveArnoldHorshak@reddit

"Filthy piece of toe-rag". Like that old lady on the street said about Boris Johnson.

[-]

horsethorn@reddit

I like to rotate through combinations of column A and B, especially while driving.

A Utter Total Complete Absolute Fucking Blind

B Wanker Dick Twat Nob Fucker Arse(hole)

Sometimes with an introduction of "For fuck's sake, you..."

[-]

Some_Boat@reddit

I try not to use the same thing too much or it just becomes a bit stale. Personally I like to call someone a sweaty old bag of dicks. But cockwomble is a pretty good one too. Though I have a 4 year old so I'm having to try not to swear as much so im saying things like wanglespanner and fudgemunchkins currently.

[-]

EzriDaxwithsnaxks@reddit

Waste of a wankstain

[-]

Rik_Whitaker@reddit

I think just using the word C U N T after any word is the best insult. I love using this word, best word ever

[-]

louilondon@reddit

Cunt it says so much

[-]

Electrical-Secret445@reddit

YOU FUCKING WANKER YA TWAT GO TO HELL WHILE IM INSIDE YOUR MOTHER

[-]

Electrical-Secret445@reddit

best british insult :)

[-]

Ok_Ship_1188@reddit

You're as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

[-]

miggyuk@reddit

Eat shit and die you rat fucking bastard.

[-]

NuzzyNoof@reddit

“Have the day you deserve” usually does it.

[-]

xxxRedditPolicexxx@reddit

I’d like to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

[-]

RadioactiveBloom@reddit

You utter illiterate microwave

[-]

I_love_running_89@reddit

Ya daft apeth

[-]

darnelios2022@reddit

Left handed screwdrivers are useful though, for left handers

[-]

DeinonychusPirate@reddit

Gobshite is my go to, but I'm fond of shithouse too.

[-]

Spiritual-Mango287@reddit

This feels more irish to me

[-]

Spiritual-Mango287@reddit

Everyone's already said twat so throwing bint in the ring

[-]

londongas@reddit

Bawbag

[-]

Typical_Nebula3227@reddit

Pillock

[-]

TattieMafia@reddit

I heard someone get called a puddle drinker. I hope to find someone I can say it to one day but nobody's really been bad enough yet.

[-]

lrobertson3@reddit

Grow up / c*nt / melt / wet wipe / dickhead

[-]

CommissionHuge9668@reddit

wanker

[-]

catastrophicshambles@reddit

Cockwomble

[-]

Boycee66@reddit

Wanker. It's the perfect word.

[-]

willyd125@reddit

For Brits. If an American uses it, I cringe every time. It just isn't right

[-]

New-Caregiver-8487@reddit

I was once on holiday in spain and a little kid with a geordie accent shouted "fuckin-lil'-wanka" and I fear it can never be topped by man

[-]

No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

'Tis that.

[-]

MyCatIsAFknIdiot@reddit

This!
It has sooooo many connotations.

My favourite insult!

[-]

Free-Question-1614@reddit

Bell end

[-]

Gekey14@reddit

You massive cockwomble

[-]

Wooden-Weakness6795@reddit

The people who downvoted this never watched 'This Country' 😔

[-]

RandomFuckery815@reddit

Cum spurting jizmonkey

[-]

ImaginaryIncident666@reddit

Whoever downvoted you are fucking arse clowns 🤡

[-]

ImaginaryIncident666@reddit

You fucking cunt!

[-]

MirandaPoth@reddit

You’re as useful as a chocolate teapot

[-]

paisleydarling@reddit

Or a marzipan dildo

[-]

paisleydarling@reddit

I see a good one on a toilet graffiti Instagram account the other day “your dad sits on the stairs and pretends he’s the chaser”

[-]

MonarchsQuest@reddit

As useful as a chocolate teapot

[-]

dream_drought@reddit

I am not British, but my absolute favorite British insult I use is calling people a fuckin' donut. lol

I tend to use cunt, twat, sausage, and ponce a lot as well.

[-]

Responsible-Key3284@reddit

I love ponce

[-]

Frosty_Lion4580@reddit

Total clown shoe

[-]

Competitive-Green430@reddit

Bell end

[-]

Sheppitsgal@reddit

Wow, is there no beginning to your talents?

Can take a minute..

[-]

Allygatoor@reddit

I like to mix it up:

Prick Twat Numpty Toe Rag Wanker Fuck wit Slaaaaaaaag

And cunt is a great one, but always with affection never anger!

[-]

AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

Most British accents lend themselves well to short, sharp, harsh, attacking swears like “oh fuck off you fat twat”

“Fucking nobhead” “you silly little cunt” “tit”

I cant stand the Reddit favourites that would get you laughed out of a pub in real life like “cockwomble” or the exhaustingly long cringe comparisons like “you’re as useful as a …” zzz snore

[-]

CosmicBonobo@reddit

Dozy also works really well in this area - dozy cunt, dozy twat etc.

Absolutely agree with you on twee nonsense like cockwomble and wankpuffin. Just grow up, y'know?

[-]

Open_Butterfly_7764@reddit

Or ‘you dozy great xxxx’, it’s a great preamble

[-]

Wiedegeburt@reddit

Cockwomble is one of the most middle class university student sounding insults I have ever heard.

[-]

_Nej_@reddit

I've never heard anybody say it irl. Just an Internet thing init?

[-]

Several-Hat-8966@reddit

Yeah, only a true cockwomble would call others a cockwomble.

[-]

Addicted2Qtips@reddit

The best insults make a sound that evokes what they’re describing. The word sounds like what it means.

The two languages/dialects that do this the best IMO are British English and Yiddish.

Now piss off you fucking schmuck.

[-]

FunctionRegular3157@reddit

When I worked in Spain as a language teacher I used to teach a class on effective swearing in British English lol, but only by demand and only to the seniors in the company. This was one of the things we covered, the importance of rhythm in the delivery!

[-]

AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

haha incredible

[-]

FunctionRegular3157@reddit

It was such great fun lol and had some educational value. a

Like if you think of the cadence of some British English phrases- "fish n chips" "rock n roll" "this n that" "ups and downs" "bits and bob" there's a pattern that can be inferred with softening on the ends of the important bits. .

So swearing for effect works well when you break out of that pattern. A Spaniard might say (with capitals to indicate accented parts) "Fuck You You FuckIng Dick"

but we all know instinctively it sounds more like "Fuck you, youfucking DIck". lol. I got paid for this

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No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Good man.

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AllHailTheHypnoTurd@reddit

That’s so interesting, and makes so much sense, cheers man haha

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No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Agree. Short and sharp does it. And only 4 letters.

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nonsequitur__@reddit

I’ve never heard anyone say ‘cockwomble’ in real life. It’s so cringy in a very middle class un-self-aware way.

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YorkieN@reddit

‘I’d call you a c*nt but you appear to lack the depth or the warmth’

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Fufferstothemoon@reddit

Twat. Pillock. Turnip. Prat. Plank. Spanner. Tosser. Why limit yourself to just one?!!

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ljr69@reddit

‘Shitstain’ made me think of this video (ok, so he uses wankstain) 😂😂

https://youtu.be/m86ifCAiZfk?si=N_UPT3SFxtNilJ0o

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crazycatlazi@reddit

Berk

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TheGreatGabonzo@reddit

“Wobble you’re head you bellend”

“You absolute throbber” is another personal fav

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BrowsingOnMaBreak@reddit

Absolute melt

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ShutUpBaby-IKnowIt69@reddit

This just unlocked memories of school, calling people gormless or a gorm was a good one too

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ShutUpBaby-IKnowIt69@reddit

Dog nonce is a personal fave

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tinkapiggo86@reddit

melt

cunt (depending on context/tone could be not an insult)

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Fredpillow1995@reddit

Nobhead (changed to nitwit if I'm with my nan)

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HeadTomato6009@reddit

You absolute weapon
Dickhead
Any variation of Twat. Absolute twat, fucking twat, twat face, twat muffin, audacious twat, military grade twat, weapons grade twat etc etc ...

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Lollypop1305@reddit

I’m Scottish and we hit harder than British politeness. So my go to insult is just “you are a massive cunt” it doesn’t need explaining, it’s not stiff upper lip and backhanded. It is what it is.

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Disastrous-Angle-591@reddit

Fucking wanker

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Silbylaw@reddit

Get thee behind me. Bitch.

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Imposseeblip@reddit

You schlaaaag

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songbolt@reddit

What does this mean?

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Rich-Specific7249@reddit

Shuttup you love it

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Lou-de-Lou-de-Lou@reddit

I love slag. Everything and everyone is a slag - but in the original Sweeney sense, not when it started being about women.

Slaaag.

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No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Christ! Someone remembers the Sweeney. Bless em, and all their snouts,earwigs and grasses.

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Lou-de-Lou-de-Lou@reddit

A favourite of both mine and my husband's households growing up, you should hear us calling everyone slaaaags 🤣

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No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Beautiful! "You slaag!". Fucking love it, and I watched it in Melbourne.

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Substantial-Bug-4998@reddit

You two bob schlaaag

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Illustrious_Cycle797@reddit

🤣

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Crespuculo@reddit

Total slaygggg

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Ok_Phrase1157@reddit

Dick

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AdministrativeBike45@reddit

I called someone a miserable cow and landed in FB jail. I got put on the naughty list for saying someone else was an absolute turnip and that was the nicest thing I had to say because she was a right cunt!

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Toxteth_OGradyy@reddit

Ballbag

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TrueAgency8491@reddit

Don't be a twat all your life...have a day off!

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P33ph0le@reddit

Twat and knob.

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TrueAgency8491@reddit

You have the brains of a wooden rocking horse!!!! You're as much use as a chocolate fireguard or chocolate teapot!

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StillJustJones@reddit

As tuneful as a morris dancer’s bells.

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DrHydeous@reddit

Prannet

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NoImagination4567@reddit

Love it. Just a London word?

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DrHydeous@reddit

Essex, and the London suburbs out that way. For an example listen to Ian Dury and the Blockheads' "Billericay Dickie".

For the avoidance of doubt I only lived in Essex briefly, and escaped many years ago.

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Clumpytron@reddit

Absolute Knob-Jockey

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OrganizationLast7570@reddit

Still using gay as an insult eh?

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Clumpytron@reddit

As far as I’m aware- women can be knob jockeys too haha

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SometimesMonkeysDie@reddit

I'm quite fond of "berk". My aunt used to call us it when we were little. I don't think she knew it's meaning, but I hope she did

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vengarlof@reddit

Either plonker or sausage

Then adding any sort of adjective such as “absolute”

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badgermonk3y3@reddit

ballbag

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GGThumbs@reddit

Fuck knuckle

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fishboi400@reddit

Who took the jam put of your doughnut Or just plain and simple You cunt.

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Sea_Opinion_4800@reddit

I like "You're as much use as an ashtray on a bike."

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MyCrustySock696@reddit

"Melt" has become a particularly favourite of mine atm

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fcuk-the-tories@reddit

Bawbag

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Zealousideal_Pop3121@reddit

You absolute plum.

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fcuk-the-tories@reddit

Cnut….greatest word in our vocabulary

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Tiddlybean@reddit

Div

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New-Caregiver-8487@reddit

Nonse.

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_a_nice_egg_@reddit

fucking twat

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SataySue@reddit

Donut

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OrcaMoriarty@reddit

Your grammar is awful.

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Rich-Specific7249@reddit

Tart

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TheReasonWallyHides@reddit

South Yorkshire raised living uncomfortably close to London and I use "Bastard" for everything.

My southern raised other half always follows with "Calm down Sharpe"

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The_Wallet_Smeller@reddit

South Yorkshire and Bastard….this little Sean Bean compilation will be right up your alley.

https://youtu.be/XSadXyiCD5w?si=VcAG2cyfRcLYcG4m

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TheReasonWallyHides@reddit

Pride of Sheffield is Sean ❤️

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Rule34NoExceptions2@reddit

'Raised living close to London' for Yorkshire is Durham

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TheReasonWallyHides@reddit

😂😂 you're not wrong!

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fatguy19@reddit

Prick

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deadlocked72@reddit

About as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike, or a more Scottish one to describe an idiot "he doesn't know if he's going for a shite or a haircut"

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TeeRacey_1960@reddit

Fuck that noise. A lot lately.

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Addicted2Qtips@reddit

That is definitely borrowed American slang.

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smiley6125@reddit

Prannies

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razma_taz13@reddit

Always liked saying 'you melon' it gets the you're an idiot message across whilst being kinda ridiculous and it makes me chuckle every time

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Abbi-Angel@reddit

You pillock.

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Workingfortheratrace@reddit

Don't be a C@@t just about sums it up ..........

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palacethat@reddit

Tend to use div a lot, especially with my cats

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Happy_fairy89@reddit

You absolute sausage.

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palacethat@reddit

Scousers love it

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Able-Razzmatazz-376@reddit

Paddy the baddy style

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jackjack-8@reddit

Phenomenal

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W00GA@reddit

haha yes.

got called this recently for not unlocking a door for a stranger and just staring at him through the window lol

until staff electronically inlocked it.

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adriamarievigg@reddit

I once heard a British woman call another woman a "Fat Cow" and now lives rent free in my head.

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UrbanxHermit@reddit

You're as fucking useless as a chocolate teapot.

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tommmmmmmmy93@reddit

Absolute helmet

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One_Water_2323@reddit

I never fail to be amused by “ya fuckwit”

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No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

The commonest insult in Oz. Applied to everyone from politicians, other drivers to that lady hogging the self checkout at the supermarket. Truly democratic.

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imintrouble1313@reddit

Every word ryhme with cunt. Also cunt itself.

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Pristine-Rabbit2209@reddit

Even Chaucer knew what was up with the C(cunt)-word

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No_Breakfast_9267@reddit

Yes! But he seemed to be a bit lost as to the spelling. However, he also referred to the anus as the " nether eye". See The Miller's Tale. Total classic! Which is why, in Australia, we talk about " flashing a brown eye". The true inheritors of Chaucerian English!

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Mavisssss@reddit

I like 'wanky titbasket' from the Hugh Grant outtakes when he stuffed up his scene.

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Kind-Photograph2359@reddit

Fucking helmet

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Cassandra_UK@reddit

I think it's "berk" I just looked, apparently derives from the rhyming slang Berkely Hunt OOooooooo that is rude! Haha

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WinkyNurdo@reddit

Alright, you cunt! (as spoken to best mates)

You fucking prat! (as spoken to best mates)

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spacegirl2820@reddit

C**t

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Pleasant-chamoix-653@reddit

I call things common, like people, tattoos, vaping,

usually gets a laugh in the office

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carreg-hollt@reddit

Oi! Cunt!

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EricGeorge02@reddit

Tithead

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carregwenjack@reddit

Spazz

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carregwenjack@reddit

Mong

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carregwenjack@reddit

Spunkbreath

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mrbadger2000@reddit

'You utter melt!'

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Dapper_Ad_9761@reddit

Ball sack.

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loveswimmingpools@reddit

You've disappointed me.

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Zorolord@reddit

Knobjock

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phil245@reddit

I hope your next shit is a hedgehog.

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GnumbGnuts@reddit

Dry lunch

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Agniology@reddit

Gobby Twat

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Able-Razzmatazz-376@reddit

You dirty rotter

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MandarinWalnut@reddit

Very surprised that nobody has said 'Pillock'

See: James May's use of the word.

"CLARKSON YOU INFANTILE PILLOCK"

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PlasticFamous3061@reddit

Mine is. You make an interesting point!

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HippyWitchyVibes@reddit

Fucknugget is a personal favourite.

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completefuckweasel@reddit

“You’re as much use as a cotton tonky”

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WilcoClahas@reddit

Probably “cunt” tbh

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funkidflash22@reddit (OP)

Oh i forgot you absolute mug

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anon38983@reddit

Jog on you mug!

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zipitdirtbag@reddit

SHUT IT, YOU MUG! /Ray Winstone

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urlackofaithdisturbs@reddit

Womble, but in extremis cockwomble.

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trulycantbearsed@reddit

Fuckwit

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Hatstand82@reddit

You muppet.

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SwiftJedi77@reddit

Bellend seems to be my go to, but I also say Cunt a lot.

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Lanthanidedeposit@reddit

I recommend delving into https://viz.co.uk

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Lanthanidedeposit@reddit

Choob, roaster, trumpet, fud, Rupert, rocket, zoomer.....

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YourLittleRuth@reddit

Bloody peasant.

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OrganizationLast7570@reddit

I just know without reading the replies this'll be embarrassing

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soulsteela@reddit

Twonk. It just comes out.

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giantthanks@reddit

Only in the UK can you say almost anything as an insult. "What a f*ckin lobster, he was absolutely trousered last night". My faves include plonker, dipshit, An utter Rodney, fanny, ballsack, Teflon man, grave-dodger, Munster, honey monster, crab, horse-face, tit, git, bum, soap-dodger, ten-pinter, poisoned dwarf, bum-slinger, coffin-dodger, pizza-face, slaphead, boot, chump, sausage, ginger wingnut, rear admiral, shandy-drinker, finger-sniffer, mouth breather, dog breath, pin head etc. (so many!)

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temmoku@reddit

Do people still say, "Get knotted? When I was in a London Comprehensive School many years ago, a girl said it to a boy and the teacher asked if she knew what it meant and explained how rude it was. This then morphed somehow into the teacher talking about girls having masturbation races at her boarding school. Truly the most bizarre class lesson I ever had

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DjSpelk@reddit

I haven't heard that in very very long time.

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SeeSore@reddit

Wow, that is some segue!

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DjSpelk@reddit

A left handed screwdriver is useful... it's a screwdriver.

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TimboJimbo81@reddit

Melt

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LadyGruntfuttock@reddit

You dizzy bint

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toroferney@reddit

Disappointed is a huge insult I find, only topped by when I use disingenuous ie you lying bastard.

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Illustrious_Study_30@reddit

A friend of mine calls everyone 'crack 'ead'

I quite like it. As in ' Alright crack 'ead' I'm not a crack head but it's being used as a term of endearment. I quite often call him 'minger'

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BigBlueMountainStar@reddit

Dickwad

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BigBlueMountainStar@reddit

Spoon

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Status-Mousse5700@reddit

Silly sausage

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Ok-Flight-7156@reddit

Pussy’ole

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Thin-Gift2560@reddit

Numbnut is my most often used although bell end or moron is close behind

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idlesilver@reddit

Gimboid and cockwomble!

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sir_thrillho@reddit

"absolute melt" is the gold standard as far as I'm concerned.

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ClickCut@reddit

Pillock

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ApprehensiveElk80@reddit

Love Pillock - doesn’t get enough use.

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This_time_do_69@reddit

Twat

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SureConsideration627@reddit

No such thing, Scotland has its own along with the Irish and welsh, the English are yet to say something funny

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giantthanks@reddit

Every region had it's own, but there are common ones in use all over (and many borrowed from the US/internet too)!

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AfraidCaterpillar787@reddit

Fucking knob head is a classic of mine. Especially during a little fit of road rage.

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Birdy8588@reddit

Oh no, in road rage incidents it has to be Wanker accompanied by the universal sign language for said word 😁

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funkidflash22@reddit (OP)

what worse than being stuck behind one learner drive, two of the selfish pricks

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pleasehidethecheese@reddit

You absolute melt is one of my favourites.

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Jaded_Valuable439@reddit

Not sure if this a common one but ‘scrambled beg’ for someone absolutely crying out for attention for something really minor

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zipitdirtbag@reddit

Never ever heard this

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Aero-City@reddit

Shitcunt

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bertrum666@reddit

Kind of aussie, but a firm favourite. Now shit off.

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Aero-City@reddit

Everydays a school day.

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halen2024@reddit

Bellend or cockwomble are my favourites.

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Breakwaterbot@reddit

Nobody says cockwomble.

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halen2024@reddit

You just have😂

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Breakwaterbot@reddit

I'm talking about the real world. Outside. The only person I've ever heard say it in real life was the most terminally online person I've ever met.

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halen2024@reddit

Well I know plenty of people that use it, myself included. But then I’m very childish for a 60yo!

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sphscl@reddit

You absolute melt

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Gramswagon77@reddit

Calling someone a Dry Lunch

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Deep-Imagination-334@reddit

Arsehole or Div.

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Illustrious_Cycle797@reddit

"You fuckin doughnut "

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MrsArmitage@reddit

Gimboid.

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TheTalkingDonkey07@reddit

Are you American?

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LagerBoi@reddit

Cockwomble

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Horrorwriterme@reddit

Bellend or twat

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oyasumiruby@reddit

wank stain

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Affectionate_Quit700@reddit

nobhead or slag

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mother-of-dragons13@reddit

What a load of bollocks

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Dailymailflagshagger@reddit

Absolute shower!

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Number9Hare@reddit

Wanksmithery (describing bad behaviour) is also a favourite.

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Number9Hare@reddit

Arsewipe

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MeasurementTall8677@reddit

Muppet is pretty engligh

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MyCatIsAFknIdiot@reddit

Fuckwit

I use it every time I go do the food shopping, about the wanky parking, lack of awareness of anyone else in the store, general people just being people.

I use it at work for my management, who astound me on a daily basis with their lack of comprehension that their success or failure lies with communication and demonstrations of being competent - which they never can,

... which, inevitably elevates them to the next level of insult

"y'fuck'n XXX" where XXX could be anything from retard, moron or even the highest level of fuckwittery escalation - cunt!

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