For anyone with older parents, learn from my mistakes.
Posted by NachoOrdinary@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 90 comments
I'm on the older side of our group, 1977, and I don't fit in anywhere else...trust me.
So, since you are my people, like so many others have proclaimed I have some "learn from my mistake" unsolicited advice.
My 74 year old dad just came over for the first time in 6 years, 3rd time I've seen him in said time. He migrated south for his retirement and he is living his best, 2nd life with his girlfriend. Great. Whatever makes him happy.
I spent so many years trying to get my dad to understand me, my needs and what I needed from him as a daughter. My dad is always right; I can't get him to admit when he is wrong, and he isn't open to more information to change his mind. Fine.
I recently learned that I wasted a lot of time and years being mad at my dad because he couldn't love me in the way I needed. I had this daydream of what I wanted my relationship with my dad to look like, but I recently came to the reality that it isn't possible.
This isn't to say that my dad was a bad dad. Conversely, he was a great dad. He did the best he could, as a single dad for a few years. It may not have been what I needed or wanted, but in the end, it was best to let go of that idea.
The best lesson I learned; you can't make people love you the way you think they should. People are only capable of what their limitations are.
While it may not look exactly the way I wanted it to, today was a good day. It was a good day because we sat for five hours and talked about our good times and all the naughty things I did as a teenager, behind his back.
So, if you can connect with any part of my long story with unsolicited advice, I am glad someone could take something from my shortcomings.
TLDR; You can't make people love you the way you think they should love you. People are only capable of what their limitations are. Accept people for what they are.
PapaTua@reddit
76 here. My mom and dad split when I was a toddler, but I'd spend summers with him. I thought he loved me and we were cool. He flew out to my graduation in '94 and I thought we had plans for a short road trip after all my graduation activities.
I got back from my overnight senior party, and he was gone.
I didn't get word from him until 2010ish when he called and told me to tell my mom not to cash in on his government pension as he had a new wife.
I spent decades racking myself trying to figure out what I did wrong, but eventually I realized there was nothing I did or didn't do. He was an adult who made a choice and that's not on me.
Parents are rarely what we originally think they are.
DanDez@reddit
Wow, I am sorry that happened.
It sounds like he never grew up.
PapaTua@reddit
He died 4 years ago. I couldn't shed a tear, and yet it still made me feel like an orphan.
Famous_Election_2024@reddit
I went through this in reverse. I’m the oldest of four kids. I live closest to our mom, and for many years took on the role of putting up with all sorts of things because “she’s my mom”
Then I saw her making my kids upset for things they didn’t deserve. Finding that I could take the narcissistic abuse that she doles out, doesn’t make it right. Teaching my kids it was ok was wrong. I cut her out of my life and know it was healthy and not something I will regret. Ever.
The only thing I know, is that no two situations are the same, and saying - reach out, you won’t regret it! Is not advice that is universally sound.
MycologistOwn2939@reddit
This is very similar to my experience, too. I can’t stand when people say things like, “They did the best they could.” Or “They’re your parents and they love you.” Because no. Not all parents did their best, and not all parents love their kids. Child abuse is real. Narcissistic parents exist. It’s ok to be no/low contact.
Pretend-Tea86@reddit
This is similar to my experience.
Her narc shit was so normal to me, that was just how it was. But when she aimed it at my kid, the switch flipped.
I'm not glad she's gone or anything; i mourn the relationship we could have had. I mourn not having my last living parent in my life, my son not having his only able-bodied grandparent around. It's sad. It's a necessary evil that I can't have her around, not a benefit to anyone.
And I see what her life looked like and I mean, that life would make anyone hard. She took a lot of abuse in her day, too. And hurt people hurt people. And I was an easy target and i was just like my dad, who she hated more than anyone in the world. I can cognitively understand why she is the way she is, why she did what she did, why she continues to do what she continues to do, and still not want that in my life, or in my son's life.
I don't regret it, but I'm sad I had to do it, and as an adult and a parent myself now I understand far better than I did even 10 years ago who she is and why. And I have a lot of empathy for her. But I still protect my peace, and my family's peace.
Its hard. But you're right. "Just reach out" isnt safe advice for everyone.
Famous_Election_2024@reddit
I don’t know if you experienced this too, but having kids myself also made me realize how ridiculous my mothers demands were. I would never want my kids to live their life in a way that is not authentically theirs, where as my mom wants her kids to life like their life is meant to do nothing but make her feel honored. The final straw for me was seeing her brag on Facebook to strangers about secretly baptizing my children Catholic because I am a disgrace to “all of my ancestors” for not being catholic. (I’m not on Facebook but my husband is, and her post was suggest to him as something he’d be interested in). I told her that faith is not something you can force someone to have, and that I’m not “broken” as she suggests for not thinking like she does.
The peace and lack of static in my life is hard to measure now that I don’t speak to her. I can hear my own thoughts and desires instead of any action having a thought of dread for what criticism she would have waiting for me. I find parenting easier. I find liking myself easier. And I no longer have the guilt of subjecting my partner or kids to her madness.
DafniDsnds@reddit
YES. THIS. oh my god so much this. Holy shit!!
PersianCatLover419@reddit
My Aunt has NPD. I have very limited contact with her and I usually let her contact me.
YinzaJagoff@reddit
Yea, I cut my narcissistic, abusive mom out of my life and it’s the best gift I’ve ever given myself.
She can’t bring me down with her if I don’t let her.
Eli-fant@reddit
Sometimes the only thing worse than being estranged from family is being in contact with family.
YinzaJagoff@reddit
She’s very very toxic and has to be right all the time.
She took advantage of my dad and after he died I cut ties so she wouldn’t do the same thing with me.
latebloomer2015@reddit
I never had kids, just not on my list of things to do. I actually have wondered lately if the desire to parent wasn’t there because I didn’t ever want to be the kind of mother mine was to me.
My mom got diagnosed with cancer about five years ago and I took her and my dad to every appointment, talked with doctors, picked up the prescriptions, took her to the er when necessary, etc for almost two years. My husband and I didn’t break a single Covid protocol and were very careful to avoid sickness. Neither of my siblings helped much, one of them was there for me emotionally and that helped. My youngest sibling did nothing; never checked on her, never asked how they could help, never visited, etc.
That caused a riff between that sibling and myself when they wouldn’t get the Covid vaccine because they’re an idiot (I’m not debating this with anyone) and didn’t want to help out.
My mother sided with that sibling and screamed at me that I was a horrible person and she wished she never had me. That was almost three years ago and I’ve not spoken to her purposely since. I realized in that moment that I would never be enough for her and no matter what I do I’ll always just be someone for her to treat like shit.
These last three years have been the most peaceful and enjoyable years of my life. I miss my dad but her flavor of narcissism would mean that she would lash out and be hateful to my dad if he spent much time with me. He loves her (I think they are toxically co-dependent on one another after half a century together) and she has weaponized her cancer against him. I don’t hold it against him.
Illustrious_Lack8445@reddit
Same. I am the oldest of four too. And all this except with my dad. I do not regret cutting him out after a huge blow up by simply asking him not to yell at my kid during his baseball game. I can see that my father is a flawed human just like everyone else but I simply do not have to put up with abusive behavior. Sorry about your mom. I hope you have a good village of people that you’ve chosen to surround yourself and your children with.
jonasgrimms@reddit
Same.
julius_h_caesar@reddit
also here
GitPushItRealGood@reddit
I am having the same awakening, only with my mom. I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that she won’t love me the way I deserve to be loved, and that I can’t “fix it” by changing anything except my understanding. Some people are not cut out to be parents. I also need to model healthy relationships for my children. I learned how to tip toe through the emotional abuse minefield, but that’s not a skill. It’s a survival technique, and my kids don’t need it.
CafeMilk25@reddit
Yep, had to learn this about my mother about a decade ago. She did her best, but she experienced many horrible traumas in her life, the likes of which I will never understand, and so she suffers from many mental health disorders. Add that she is not American and raised her 1/2 Korean / 1/2 white children here, so there are cultural issues at play, also.
I mourned the loss of the mother-daughter relationship I will never have years ago, and only hope I am able to do better with my kids than she was able to do with me.
Relevant_Pomelo_9658@reddit
I was in my 30s when I realized my father would never understand what was important to me, and I definitely cried about it. But from there I accepted he loved me in his way, even if it wasn't the way I wanted. I'm glad for it, especially since he passed on the beginning of this year.
Different-Smoke7717@reddit
77 here, moms in her 80s. There’s any number of things I could hold against her forever (which would be her M.O. actually) but life is short. Thanks for sharing
twodexy82@reddit
Same. My mom never even liked me but I now realize that her mom treated her similarly. So cyclical.
So while I don’t enjoy spending time with my mom (she just makes me feel bad about myself & listens to nothing I say, because she clearly doesn’t care about my perspective), I can at least understand where she’s coming from a little.
Cheezslap@reddit
It is cyclical and it's good to understand where people are coming from. But it doesn't change the fact that life is short and you are you spending the only resource you truly have with someone who makes you feel bad about being you and doesn't care about what you have to say. Why would you? Because they fell into a title that they don't earn? You don't have to.
You don't have to.
Different-Smoke7717@reddit
I would push back on this a bit bc, not saying it’s your experience, but for many motherhood is too profound to be reduced to a a “title they fell into” there are many ways of being a bad mother that are stil mothers. That’s what makes it so hard and intractable. People dealing with it aren’t just imagining that intractability.
Cheezslap@reddit
Parents who dismiss your life don't deserve the title, full stop. I'm a father to a teenage boy. I earn that title every day. Not everybody has to go as hard as I do, but you gotta earn that shit by way more than "they fell out of me, so they mine".
twodexy82@reddit
Ugh you’re so right. Thank you for the support.
majolica123@reddit
Your mother had you when she was twelve?
PhasePsychological90@reddit
I can't wait to see what middle-aged Gen Z and Alphas write about us when their time comes.
Everyone thinks they're right. Everyone with principles is unmoving about some things. Every generation sees their parents as backward and wrong about some things. It should make for some pretty interesting reading.
hulks_brother@reddit
What OP is saying is just life. It's not fair. But, people do the best they can with what they know. My parents had a lot of shortcomings while I was growing up and I was very angry with them for a long time.
Now I am a parent and try to raise my kids better. As much as I try to make my kids life better than the one I grew up with, I am having my own shortcomings which are different that the ones my parents had. My kids are going to have their own resentments and will carry those with them.
From my experiences, the ideal parent/child experience is a construct that is rarely attainable. There will always be something that the child need/wants that the parent is unable to see, understand, and ultimately give.
RarelyHere1345@reddit
This is so true. I'm child-free, but my sisters say that their parenting goal is to at least make sure their kids end up in therapy for DIFFERENT things than we did lol
christybird2007@reddit
💯👆
PickleFlavordPopcorn@reddit
There is an excellent book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that I highly recommend to soooo many people our age
Grouchy-Ask-3525@reddit
I used to think this was, but it's 2025. Racists and bigots and snobs should not just be allowed to be shitty because of some ridiculous sentiment. This is horrible advice; make your family members uncomfortable for being awful people. Shun them, don't call them, don't invite them to anything. And then be sure to tell them why when they try to "own the libs" on social media.
This is horrible advice.
TrustAffectionate966@reddit
Hey, you have a relationship with your father. I lost mine when I was 17, but had no contact from him for years before that. Believe me, that fucked me over for lyfe. Only until recently have I been able to finally rise above it and learn from it to - what I think - become a slightly better person. I think if this helps you on your way to not be an asshole, then you're already way ahead of the game.
🧉🦄👍🏽
notquitesteadymaybe@reddit
I appreciate you sharing your story, and I get why making peace with a parent’s limitations can feel like a way forward for some people. But I see it differently, and I think it's important to say this too: not every parent deserves the grace people are so quick to give. “Limitations” don't erase real harm. Children deserve parents who try to show up for them — emotionally, not just financially — not just the way the parent feels like showing up, but the way the child needs them to.
Understanding someone’s capacity can bring some clarity, but it doesn't excuse the damage they cause, and forgiveness isn’t automatically owed because “they did their best.” Sometimes the so-called limitations were choices. Sometimes they could have done better — they just didn’t.
I say this as someone who lived it. My mother was chronically ill and couldn’t always be present — and even as a small child, I understood the difference between someone who physically couldn’t and someone who just chose not to. My father had no such limitations. While he was somewhat more present for my older brothers, he was also volatile — quick-tempered, borderline abusive, and unable to handle children acting like children. He wasn’t really emotionally available even before tragedy struck. When my older brother died at 11 years old, I was just 6, and my surviving brother was 13. Instead of stepping up to support us through our grief, my father retreated further, disappearing into work and convincing himself that providing financially was enough. It wasn’t.
My still living brother and I were left largely to fend for ourselves. The only times I felt truly cared for were the two non-consecutive years my aunt lived with us.
My mother died 13 years ago and I haven’t seen my father in person in eight years. He’s 81 and I highly doubt I will see him again before he passes away as well (he remarried pretty quickly after my mom passed away, and moved 800 miles away). While we still talk occasionally, he’s no more than an acquaintance to me. I don’t offer forgiveness, because that's how I hold him accountable for the parenting he failed to provide. Understanding why he failed doesn’t erase the harm he caused.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is to name the harm honestly and refuse to excuse it.
Ambie949@reddit
Nope. You’re settling and you’ll realize it sooner or later.
Dismal_Composer_4029@reddit
I am a male a son. All I ever wanted for my pops to spend time with me now like after being grown up. A baseball game even a flick even helping him in a side job or just let’s go grab a brew type of shyt. Unfortunately I’m not the only son. After his second “marriage” I felt things where not in me and my older sisters flavor. It is a lot of this how much you get this is how much you get. When we are all entitled to just spend time as much time individually or as a group. Yes we had holidays and birthdays but there is always something that just doesn’t click with me. Maybe I’m being a bitch a bout certain appreciation as a son. Truth is I never really cause drama with cops or anything to make him look like your stoopid for that. Not claiming like I’m walking around with a halo 😇 or I’m just to good that no finger gets pointed at me. I get you cant make anyone love you or but there love. What I’m trying to say is I’m only me trying to be a better person a son a brother in general everyday. Life is what it is and thing will never change and my pops will probably never change as well some where in that chest there’s some hugs for me and my sister. Hey if you ever read this you the man dude no matter what hope your doing okay .
Dimeskis@reddit
I had the exact same experience with my dad, and came to the same conclusion. I hope you get to enjoy whatever time you have left with your dad.
gooch_norris_@reddit
I really needed this today thank you
TinyLittleWeirdo@reddit
I'm '77 as well, and I think I've finally figured this out about my mom. Thanks for sharing. We are the junior Gen Xers but the senior Xennials.
badger_breath@reddit
I think us 77-79ers need our own category lol too old for xenials, but too young for X
see_be_do@reddit
Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear this ❤️
AbbreviationsBorn276@reddit
Another piece of advice: you dont owe your parents your peace.
Coyote_Roadrunna@reddit
Precisely. We don't "owe" them anything. That "tough love" garbage is just an excuse for them to bully their children into submission.
tugonhiswinkie@reddit
Hugs. I’m a ‘78 girl with 80yo parents. Both still here! They retired south and they’re actually visiting me in the northeast now. They’re sleeping in my guest room right now. Yesterday, I had a whole day of chatting with my mom. We sat outside, did some grocery shopping. She still has her mind. It was an awesome day. My dad… I revert to a sassmouthed teen. I’ve tried to stop and been mostly successful. My husband asked me, “So what if he’s wrong sometimes?” Fair question. I’ve also outed myself as a cannabis user, and they don’t seem to mind. Being stoned around my dad helps a ton. We argue less, and I’m proud for maturing. We have too little time left.
Sanchastayswoke@reddit
Yess. My family doesn’t drink or smoke and looks down on anyone who does. But GOD I wish I could be drunk or even buzzed at family gatherings without it causing a ton of problems, it would make them so much more tolerable & we would fight so much less.
Sanchastayswoke@reddit
I’m also 1977 and went thru this revelation w my parents about 12-15 years ago. It was a very depressing time. My mom is still alive & was a “good mom” in general, but I’ve mourned the mother that I wished I could have had. I’m much more emotionally mature than she is and that’s really hard when sometimes I just need a mom to lean on and depend on.
Talithathinks@reddit
Thank you for sharing this wisdom.
lookatthisface@reddit
By the same token, you can’t make somebody love you in ways they can’t. I’ve accepted my mom will never change, and she’ll never be able to treat me like a person.
Talking about all the “sneaking” I did behind her back would only be fueling her weirdo perceptions of me as a bad kid.
GeneralBid7234@reddit
I agree with this whole wholeheartedly.
I'd also say if your parents are truly toxic minimize or cut off contact.
For context I'm a 77 baby too and both my parents are of blessed memory but were problematic while alive.
w3bd3v0p5@reddit
I stopped trying to win over my parent’s approval a while ago because it was clear to me that my brother was the “favourite”, and I just stopped giving a shit. You can’t make people love you is right OP. While I have no doubt that my parents do love me, it wasn’t what I thought or wanted it to be and that can sting. Thanks for sharing OP.
Rare_Background8891@reddit
Yep. I know my parents are capable of being good grandparents because they demonstrate that every single day to my niblings. Put my kids in front of them and they will cast them aside for the other grandkids. Fuck that.
SJSsarah@reddit
Truth! You can’t make people love you the way you want to be loved. Period. It was that way from your first breath, it will be that way until your last breath. You can’t make people ANY thing …. you only exist in the spectrum of their abilities (and disabilities) just as they all only exist in your spectrum of perception. The love that YOU think you’re giving out, may not be perceived by the recipient in the way you intended it to be.
What you can do though …. is to love yourself the way you want to be loved. It goes a long way, further than anyone else’s love for you can.
WishaBwood@reddit
I lost my Dad at 28. I spent 28 years being mad at him. When he died, I spent so many years being mad at myself for being mad at him. Now at almost 40, I would give anything to have him lecture me. Don’t stay mad at people, you do not want that to be all you have left of a person.
kalamity_katie@reddit
I was adopted by my step-dad when I was in first grade because my dad died when I was three. My younger sister and I did not have a great childhood. He was a narcissist and was very aggressive. Emotional abuse that escalated into physical.
This man hated me. But all I wanted was a dad. As a young adult, I believed that I was responsible for our relationship being so bad. I apologized dozens of times. I never received one in return. I invited him to church, took him out to lunch, and for that very moment, everything was OK, but then it was if those conversations and visits never happened.
As I got older, I started to realize how one-sided our relationship was. I always texted first. I was the one calling. We only saw each other on holidays with my sisters. (I have a half-sister that is his, and although we all struggle to have any relationship with him, we try to keep the peace.) He lives one street away from me- a 5 minute walk. I told him my son had been asking about spending time with him because he is his only grandpa- he spent time (although very, very little) with my sister's kids, but nothing came out of that conversation.
*I just wanted to note here how crazy it is that sometimes we can go through such terrible things, and for whatever reason, something inside us goes- "Maybe if I do , they will be happy with me. Maybe if I show them _, I can earn their love."
I decided I was going to match his energy. I decided that I will call him after he calls me first. ~He never called. I decided I would reach out to him and visit when he did first, and he never did.
I no longer felt guilt about fixing our relationship. I am meeting him halfway, but matching him step for step, and he isn't taking any steps. I see him at Christmas and Thanksgiving for a couple of hours at my sister's house. I text him happy birthday. And that is it. He is practically a stranger to me. I know he will be gone at some point, and I won't have any regret. I will mourn the childhood this man did not allow me to have.
tldr: stepdad was abusive, out of sight- out of mind, not a mistake- NO REGRETS.
Lotan@reddit
77 here also. My dad died a little over a month ago, but really I lost him a few years ago. One day he had a stroke and he came out a whole new person who was incapable of caring for himself. Everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn’t.
My dad was the best dad. He was a great guy. Then I got older. I moved away. He was the kind of guy who would pick up the phone and talk to me as long as I needed, but he never called. He’d never want to bother me. It wasn’t about him.
I wouldn’t say it’s a mistake I made to learn from. My dad wouldn’t have had it any other way. It’s more of a warning. If you’re lucky enough to have previous generations in your life, just realize that that time is growing short. Make the most of it while you still can.
lostdragon05@reddit
I had a revelation similar to the OP much younger about my dad and was able to just accept his flaws. He was still a great dad and tried very hard. My mother was practically a saint and would have done anything for me at anytime, which made the contrast a bit stark.
Lost my dad to cancer about 10 years ago and he had a stroke 2 years prior to that and his personality was never the same. Lost my mom 5 years ago, also to cancer but she had battled it nearly 20 years. Makes me want to scream into the void because my grandparents were amazing and super important to my childhood, but now my kids are robbed of the opportunity to have grandparents.
veglove@reddit
Seconding this. My dad had advanced dementia now. I can't have any complex conversations with him at this point but he still thought to call me recently, it was very sweet. Mom died almost 20 years ago. Hug 'em while you've them.
Lotan@reddit
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I hope you’re able to hold on to and appreciate the good things. I hope the less good things aren’t too heavy or you have someone to help you carry them.
fondofbooks@reddit
I came to this realization with my own dad. He is a wonderful person and always has been a good dad. But we struggled to get close. It bothered me my whole life. As I got older I realized he loves me the way he can. He went through a lot with his own dad who also had a very rough upbringing. My father could have kept that trauma going but he didn't. He is limited in how he shows emotion, etc but I'm so grateful to have him and our relationship. He told me right before my wedding he wished we were closer and over the past 20 years we have gotten closer, bit by bit. Maybe not the way I would like but I see the effort he puts in and that means everything.
WhatTheCluck802@reddit
It took a lot of therapy for me to get to this point. Realizing that my parents have never been bad or evil people, but that they were ill equipped to become parents when they did (super young) and just didn’t know how to meet my needs. Periodically I do still get resentful for various things but mostly I can let it ride now.
Good_Connection_547@reddit
I went through the same experience with both of my parents. If they could have done better, they would.
It doesn’t let them off the hook for being selfish and self absorbed, but it does bring me a little bit of peace to know they just had limitations. Honestly, I may not have been much better if I wouldn’t have had internet access since my late teens.
riana67@reddit
It took me a long time in therapy to accept that both things could be true about my childhood: they did the best they could and I didn't get what I needed. Before that, I'd get stuck because, as an adult, I can see they had a lot to deal with. I understand, to a point, why I didn't get what I needed. But understanding it doesn't mean I wasn't damaged by it.
Grompson@reddit
I just had this exact discussion with my therapist. My mom is sliding further into frontotemporal dementia and it's hard to accept the finality of never really getting the relationship I wanted and needed with her.
riana67@reddit
My problem was that I have a pretty decent relationship with my mom now, and my dad before he died last year. So I had a hard time looking at the anger and hurt they caused decades ago. I had to acknowledge that my current relationship with Mom and Dad is different from my past relationship with Mommy and Daddy. And working on my feelings about the past doesn't....disrespect? invalidate?...the present.
Grompson@reddit
Yeah, I have a good and loving relationship with my parents now, but it's still not the one I hope to have with my own daughter (if that makes sense).
flydog2@reddit
My mom is a shitty mom and I don’t want her love. I can’t remember a time when I liked her or sought her out. I’m sure when I was little I did. But I know who she is. I make sure she has what she needs and I tolerate her during visits, I just don’t engage when she says crazy/cruel/ignorant things. Basically I’ve been gray-rocking her for decades and she’s oblivious. Just waiting until I don’t have to anymore.
giraffemoo@reddit
My dad is an addict who has fallen off the grid and my mother was complicit in the kidnapping of my child. They can both go fuck themselves, lol
espyrae2468@reddit
This is how I feel about my mom. Once I let go of my imaginary idea of what our relationship should have been we were able to have an actual relationship based on who we actually are. And it’s what I would consider surface or even transactional to an extent but it’s what she can give.
I try to remember she has her own stuff from her parents and I can only hope that each generation is a slight improvement on emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.
colcardaki@reddit
As you get older you realize your parents are, like everyone, deeply flawed. Though there is something special about the boomers, there is something wrong with them…
Last_Nothing_9117@reddit
Fellow 77er here too. I just found this book for “adult children of emotionally immature parents” for me, relating to relationship issues with my dad that hits home on so many levels. Highly recommend!
https://a.co/d/4TJRC8P
HopelessMagic@reddit
My wife's parents are real gems. They separated and she is the only kid they had together. They each had more kids with other people, so, half siblings exist on each side. She disowned them both after their narcissistic ways took a turn for the worst.
The Father was always drinking and going to clubs. The Mother was a bartender, so guess how they met? Father knocked her up and decided he didn't want to give up his single party lifestyle. Mother already had an older son from another guy who was no longer around. Father had two more younger kids with another woman afterwards. Separated from her too.
Haven't heard from them in years but Mother wouldn't file for government help. Too proud even when we said we'd help her with it. But she was never too proud to live in her car and sleep on couches. Mainly ours. She would show up and eat our food, ask for coffee and gas money, and take over our living room. She did this under the guise that she wanted to see her grand baby so badly. She would guilt trip her one friend into getting her hotel rooms at a place with a pool so her grand babies could swim and she could take them places. When our daughter was young, it was the playground and the park. Free to enjoy and she loved it. As she got older, it was the movies or the mall. Then those grew stale and Mother wouldn't take her anywhere at all. She'd take our kid and her cousin (about the same age) to a hotel where she would sit and read and they'd swim in the pool and get fed McDs for 3 days straight. They never went anywhere and would be bored to tears but Mother had her hotel room so she didn't care.
We didn't know this was happening until we booked her a hotel room once and used our credit card to hold it. We got charged hundreds of dollars for damages. When we called, they showed us pictures of a hole in the wall. We asked our daughter and she said they were bored and were jumping between the beds when they overshot it and went right into the wall. Then I started asking about what they do with Mother. Turns out...Nothing. She never cared about seeing them. It was a grift to get a room so she didn't have to sleep in her car. We banished her from our house and she cried because she wanted to see her grand baby so badly. We told her we'd meet her somewhere for an activity. After the promise of a bed to sleep in, shower and free food evaporated, she suddenly didn't care about her grand baby anymore. She stopped calling. She stopped visiting. We haven't heard from her in about 5 years. She used her grandchildren as pawns so she could have a place to sleep and food to eat at someone else's expense.
Now... Father is also disowned. He would never visit us. Ever. But we were always welcome to drive to him. 2 1/2 hour drive but we'd do it twice year or so. We'd visit and he'd say, don't come before 2pm because he'd be sleeping. We show up and he cooks dinner. We help and we eat together and then he'd sit in front of the TV and... Do nothing. We'd try to engage in conversation but he's trying to watch his show. (???) He'd eventually nod off and snore so you couldn't even hear the TV anymore. He lives alone so we're just there while he's napping in his chair. He wakes up a couple hours later and it's prime bar time. He wants to know when we're heading out because he has to go to the local bar to check out the girls.
This happened so often we visited less and less until we stopped coming for holidays. He didn't even care that we weren't visiting. He never called us. He never came to our house to check on us or visit. Nothing. He had more time for girls and alcohol and that was enough for him.
Cutting out her narcissistic emotionally immature parents has been a blessing.
CuriousRiver2558@reddit
I joined the sub /agingparents because this is a phase of life I was not prepared for
Auferstehen78@reddit
My stepdad (who until 6 years ago I thought was my biological father), couldn't love me the way I wanted or see me for what I became or for that matter understand me.
When he was on his death bed he apologized for being such a crap father.
well-adjusted-tater@reddit
This was a good post. Thank you.
hurtloam@reddit
This is exactly what a friend of mine told me the other day about her Dad. She used to get so upset around him, but recently suddenly realised that she needed to stop hoping for and expecting him to be the kind of Dad she wanted because he was just him the way he's always been and that's not going to change. She used to feel horribly disappointed and upset around him, but now for the first time feels calm with him.
I've never expected my Dad to be anything other than he is. I've never felt too much of a generation gap with him. He was a good teacher, took us on lots of trips to the museum and walks in the countryside, taught me how to tie my shoes properly etc, but isn't very good at being Dad to adult children in a way. He never visits. He found being father-of-the-bride really stressful and didn't really get it. We've decided not to be disappointed by how he behaved at the wedding. He doesn't like ceremonies and large groups of people, so it was not enjoyable for him. And we've all let it go. Holding a grudge wouldn't do anyone ant good. We've learned to communicate what's going to happen in certain situations better now to avoid big disasters now rather than expecting things to just go how they're "supposed to".
Removing the word should from my vocabulary has helped me greatly. Don't think things should be a certain way, work with how they are
aga8833@reddit
I think we absolutely have to see them as humans who - usually, not always - did the best they could in a different social environment than we have. Then we can use that to decide what role we want them to have in our lives as those humans we see them as. That may be no role,some role, distanced roles, whatever.
Happy_dancer1982@reddit
I went to fulltime therapy in 2011 and clearly remember one of the therapists telling me to stop expecting my dad to love me and support me the way I need him to because he never will. It did help a little bit because I realised that my dad just can’t. Still painful now though, when at 43 I have had to move back in with my parents temporarily with my daughter and now neither one of them can cope with my emotions. I try to keep the tears in but they’ve come out twice in the last four weeks and both of them ignore it. So they’re technically sort of here for me because I can live with them, but that’s about it. I just need a hug sometimes 🤷🏼♀️
Lily_Thief@reddit
Always feels weird being reminded that there are people older than me with living parents.
GargantuanGreenGoats@reddit
No… but I can be mad that she looked at a tiny child and decided “no, I don’t care how she feels or how she thinks, I choose to force her into a mold that doesn’t fit and then get angry every time she lets on that she doesn’t fit”.
the_owl_syndicate@reddit
I think the hardest part of growing up, of growing older, is realizing our parents are humans, flawed and generally well-meaning, selfish and short-sighted, not someone we would ever be friends with but by some quirk the person we are most closely tied to.
Part of growing up, of getting older, is learning to love our parents the same way we love our favorite childhood movie. As kids, we adored that movie. As teenagers, we were ashamed to admit we even knew that movie existed. As 20-somethings, we laughed at our childhood obsession. As adults, we admit that movie is deeply flawed, but we love it because our child-self loved it and that movie reflects that back to us.
Adulthood is learning to love the flaws in the people and world around us.
DanDez@reddit
That is a wonderful analogy.
Thank you for sharing your (I believe, hard earned) insights.
CommandAlternative10@reddit
At some point I realized my dad, despite his shortcomings, was giving me his A-game. Like there wasn’t some better version of himself he was saving for other people. I got the best he was able to give. It made me stop yearning for something that didn’t exist.
C-ute-Thulu@reddit
Being bitter is like drinking poison expecting to hurt the other person. It's a hard but useful lesson
Assika126@reddit
Gotta let go of the people we wish they were, and figure out how to accept the people they are, and how much of them we want in our lives
Sarah_Femme@reddit
I don't think you can wholesale forgive abuse, but there also can be a place where you see they actually DID do you better than they had it growing, and they really were working with what they had, including some pretty toxic media that normalized it at the time.
I spent a lot of years bitter that didn't do anyone favors.
No one says you have to keep in contact with people who actively hurt you, but you also can set down the anger and hurt that is eating you up, it's ok.
bobalonghazardly@reddit
I’m going to say no. People should always be capable of introspection and learning. Your dad isn’t incapable of learning what your needs are. That is unless they are mentally challenged without the ability to reason and think critically. Always being right and not being able to be wrong is very detrimental as a person and doesn’t lead to emotional growth or maturity.
My parents are mostly failures as people. They voted against their own interests, my interests, and now their grandchildren’s interests. On top of it my dad is doing is best to be Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. While my mom spirals into madness with enabling the drinking behavior and ignored getting me help when I was young because don’t worry you’ll grow out of it with being neurodivergent.
The only thing that has really been taught to me is not to do the same thing with my young child. I don’t ever want my child to reflect back and say dang I need to do everything opposite of what my parents did because they weren’t capable of learning and having introspection.
The world is a largely unforgiving place. If you needed someone to care for you a certain way and they didn’t did they really care for you? I saw the other day a AITA post from a lady who had a friend that said them caring for their boyfriend with compassion and approach like they would behavioraly with an abused dog was “weird”. This was a lady who went out of her way to understand the situation of her boyfriend and was really concerned about his well being. Literally had empathy for their past and wanted to help that person. That is what you should strive to achieve in a relationship with friends and family that you care about. In my opinion not because well they could only do something a certain way and were never wrong.
the_owl_syndicate@reddit
I can think of so many ways this can become coercive and abusive.
Caring is reciprocal. Part of that is accepting others for who they are and expecting the same in return.
If you can't accept your loved ones for who they are, do you really love them?
No one, not parents, not children, not lovers, are going to be able to meet every need someone has, just like you will never be able to meet their needs perfectly. Part of love is accepting that.
Expecting patents to be anything but what they are and blaming them for their own trauma and limitations is childish.
As an aside, I read that story about the woman who treated her boyfriend like an abused dog and found it mildly creepy that she openly admitted to manipulating and dehumanizing her boyfriend. There's a fine line between empathizing with trauma and using that trauma to achieve a desired goal, especially since she never got the boyfriend's consent or acknowledgement of her actions. A therapist has to be open about their goals with a patient, but a girlfriend doesn't?
needapicklebreak@reddit
Agreed. I don’t accept cruelty from anyone; the bar isn’t lowered because we share DNA.
Xibby@reddit
Yesterday my dad sent me a text to tell me my 102 year old great-aunt (or some relation) passed. OK good to know but that part of the family was never part of my life, only saw them at family reunions and weddings.
Same night, my 95 year old grandma calls me and mentions great-aunt. Well hell I’m not the person who should be telling Grandma her sister-in-law passed. So played dumb.
Called dad afterwards to let him know, yeah my Uncle was going to tell my Grandma when he visited her today. Ended up just talking to my dad about whatever was going on in our lives for almost an hour.
Reasonable-Wave8093@reddit
💓💓💓thank you💚for the inspiring (and tru) tales from xennial adulthood. it was very tough for me to forgive my mom, glad to hear a happy story.