I can't stand my job anymore. I don't know what to do.

Posted by Pluronic_Pesto@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 27 comments

Three years ago, I left a job I loved in my home country to join my current company here in the U.S. I'm a scientist, currently earning $140k in a mid-col area. I'm not rich, but I can say my life is comfortable.

From day one, I realized I had made a huge mistake. Even after three years, my coworkers show me zero respect. They've never included me in their discussions, and I've never felt like part of the team.

After trying for a while to be accepted, I gave up and just focused on doing my job. I put in long hours, took on the worst projects, and still delivered great results.

This week, my boss — who is also an expat — offered me her position to lead the team. I shared some of my experiences I had with the group, and she admitted the same thing happened to her when she first started managing them. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

For the past two months, I’ve been trying to find a new job. But my field is very niche, and opportunities are hard to come by. I really don’t want to keep working with this team, let alone become their boss.

My wife just got accepted into a residency program, and I don't want to ask her to return to my home country. I’m considering a million possibilities just to keep some income, even driving for Uber or DoorDash.

We have almost no friends here; we only have each other. I can’t apply for jobs far away, as it could jeopardize our relationship. But I also don’t want to go back to work. And I’m not sure her income alone will be enough for both of us.

For the first time in my life, I have no plan and no backup route. I honestly don’t know what to do.

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Vladigraph@reddit

You should take the promotion even just to have a managing position on your résumé. It will broaden your opportunities beyond your current niche. You also need to talk to a life coach about handling your social situation. When you have trouble establishing good relationships with the whole work collective and fail to make friends outside of work, then maybe you need to change something about your own behavior.

pvt6119@reddit

Lots of good advice given that I’d consider taking.

I just want to say that I feel for you, and I can tell that you’ve put in so much effort—being somewhere for THREE years where you don’t feel valued and respected is massive. I hope you find a path forward after all your hard work.

P.S. Take the promotion, even if it’s a temporary solution.

moosemoose214@reddit

Here is a simple solution. What you’re gonna want to do is move to Tampa and get yourself a boat. Something in the 32-37’ range for offshore. Then you are going to want to take me fishing - this is going to def solve one of our problems 🤪

Honestly, you need to look more at life outside of work, it’s just a means to be able to enjoy other aspects of life. Take up a couple hobbies you would never do - curling, fencing, cake decorating, idk just have fun and try new things but do that hobby with a hobby group. There you will find friendship. Also try going on some meetups - there are multiple every day. Once you have friends and a full social life - the work issues will go away

Key_Use_4634@reddit

Take the promotion. It looks like you are the best at what you do. You are already in hell and considering to be an Uber, why not give it at try? It will create a barrier between you and the other people and it might get you closer to your boss

fdcases@reddit

The fact that your boss offered you to lead the team suggests you are really good at what you do. Don’t give up. Ask to be sent to management/leadership training. Find a therapist to deal with your mental health. Take the position and your colleagues will be more inclined to show you respect. It will be a new dynamic.

lazyymush@reddit

And in terms of building social circles, join clubs around your area like bowling, board games, walking/running/biking club, you'll be surprised what kind of social groups exists!

AlbaMcAlba@reddit

Having driven for Lyft I can assure you it’s exhausting, anti social (hours if you want to earn more) and doesn’t pay much. As an expat I did kinda enjoy the multicultural interactions with passengers though.

Take the promotion, be a level headed easy to work with boss and you should get respect.

The absolute best time to look for another job is when you’re employed.

Wish you good luck 🍀

Francis_Dollar_Hide@reddit

Are you kidding!? Take the promotion, the ultimate revenge!

unagi_15@reddit

Can’t agree more!!!First they will resist you and eventually accept that you are the boss!!Go for it! I am not of revenge mentality but at times u need a closure of all the silent treatment given to you and this will be ultimate!

They say "kill them with kindness", but you can kill them with competence too!

OneUpAndOneDown@reddit

This! But to be able to do it, OP needs to get some help with his mental health and some coaching on leadership skills. Developing some social outlets outside work would also help. This isn’t just a work problem, it’s loneliness /alienation - not helped by his douchy colleagues.

Oh also big possibility they resign eventually if they dislike u so much!! So for u it be a win win,where u can hire some decent folks around u!

SexySwedishSpy@reddit

To offer a take from “the other side”, I was in a similar position to yours (moved to Canada for a job, didn’t like it, struggled to make friends, husband finally found a great opportunity, I got laid off, losing my visa) but moved back to my home country: The “moving back” is as hard as the “moving there”. Nothing is solved by moving, even if it feels like an option and escape. In your home country, after moving back, you’ll find many of the same challenges: I’m still unemployed a year later (because I’m burned out and can’t find the energy to commit to anything), we’re struggling to make friends in the new place, and everything is unfamiliar because it’s been such a long time for me since I was last here. So moving isn’t a magical “cure all”.

w142ss@reddit

The social part of the problem, can you address that by finding an expat group of your country of origin? Making friends is not easy, but it can be easier if you find it outside of work.

Wanky_Danky_Pae@reddit

Take the offer - then sit everybody down and proclaim: "You will respect my AUTHORITAH"

thegerams@reddit

I would also take the promotion. Then, once you are their boss, see if / how they treat you differently. I identify who the leader of the pack is and show them boundaries. Maybe get some leadership coaching and learn how to manage dysfunctional teams. Also, good thing of the US is you can fire them for no reason, keep that as an option and make it clear that certain behavior can lead to losing the job. The other thing is that you’ll have to detach your emotions from the job - but fully bit to the degree that you don’t take things personal. This is a hard one, but you definitely need more resilience. I would also keep an eye out for other opportunities in your area. If it’s a commercially useful area, you can also explore opportunities in the private sector at some point.

Informal_Republic_13@reddit

I would take the promotion and consider managing this herd as simply part of the job. They are not your friends and work is not your social life. I would also make absolutely sure to join and prioritise an extracurricular activity that you really enjoy, and live life for yourself. Mine is a community choir, I gradually made friends there and weekly rehearsal is the highlight of my week.

brass427427@reddit

Take the promotion and your revenge. It's the American way!

inrecovery4911@reddit

While I'm the last person to suggest anyone stay in an unhealthy work environment, I think the other commenters aren't wrong to point out a shift to management will put a natural barrier between you and these other employees, whatever their problem is.

What actually concerns me more is thst xou say you and your wife have no other friends and just each other. That's not healthy, especially when you're not enjoying your workplace. I think finding even an hour a week where you can enjoy a leisure activity, ideally with other people who might be potential friends, might shift your overall outlook more,than you think. Speaking to a qualified professional to get an objective and educated perspective on your current feelings also couldn't hurt. It sounds like you're stuck in a negative mindset and that can snowball into a mental health issue if you don't address it.

shujisan@reddit

Take the promotion, slowly build a team that you want to work with.

soyyoo@reddit

🇺🇸 is 🤪

RavenRead@reddit

Take the job. Titles matter when looking for new ones. Maybe the dynamic will change. However, sounds like your boss recognizes your professionalism and the others’ lack thereof. As the boss, there is a future possibility of replacing these people. Be sure you can manage. Management is a bit of a different animal.

littlechefdoughnuts@reddit

Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel? If you stay it sounds like it will be a sacrifice on your part for her sake, but maybe she has a different perspective.

lwpho2@reddit

A good therapist might be able to help you learn how to hold your work more loosely. How to make it less important in your life so that it doesn’t leak into your entire existence.

Pecncorn1@reddit

Money/savings is freedom further down the line. I worked jobs I hated with people that I had nothing in common with. I would literally wake up and sit on the edge of the bed thinking shit I have to go to work, it was mountains and valleys. I finished my working life in upper management insulated from these folks. I did my thing and left them to theirs only interacting on a superficial level. Take the money and leave work in the workplace, try and look for positives anywhere you can find them and do things that you like in your off time. Take the money, the new position will insulate you from your present coworkers. You will be the captain and they the team.

unnecessary_otter@reddit

I'd say take the promotion and see where that leads. Given that (as a soft rule) management doesn't socialize with the rest of the team, you'll have a reason to keep your distance to your former coworkers and new underlings.

A_Starving_Scientist@reddit

Can you find a different job in the general field amd geographical area even if its not a perfect exact fit for the niche? If you were promoted, it seems you do your job well so thats not the issue. Dont quit to do doordash, but definitely job hunt if this job is affecting your mental health so much.