Some weeks ago I organized an Electoral-College-themed birthday party for my son, Drammiel, at Klyde-Warren Park. Only seven people were invited, and that does not include Russell. He appeared as soon as Drammiel blew out his candles, and I have confirmation that Russell's presence was not in fact what he wished for. Russell starts in with the usual "Who's got a slice for ol' Russell?" ploy, and we finally caved. My wife demanded that he find a different stack of presents upon which to perch himself as he is liable to do, and that's when the foaming started. He sprinted for the cake with the desperation of a starved leopard, losing one of his Uggs in the process. Before I could intervene, he had snatched a second helping- the only spare slice. He shouted something like, "AM I A MAN IF I DON'T!?" and scurried his sickly form into the thickets. Dallas PD will tell you that Russell Stonebriar is only a wive's tale, and that the theft of unlocked cakes at birthday parties are a legal grey area. But Mark my words- Russell will know the isolating chill of wanting, yet.