Is it ok to stop supporting financially

[-]

Inevitable_Data690@reddit

"He makes the dumbest decisions with his money"

Understand, from where he sits, you're wrong. He's actually quite smart about his money. You are the one is dumb with your money. He's using his money to buy stuff he wants. You're using your money to pay someone else's bills. Dummy.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Wow thank you. Yes I am the dummy.

I’ve done tough love, I was the one who sent Him to jail.

I gave up contact because it hurt too much and I didn't to hurt the rest of the family.

Then years later he came back and was sick and almost homeless.

I have people in my ear saying family doesn't give up on family.

I know he has to learn and I am the dummy for not being confident that stopping is the right thing to do.

[-]

TheVirginBono@reddit

I suggest you seek out counseling and possibly a 12 step support group - this is a bigger, more complicated problem than one should take to Reddit.

[-]

pippi_longstocking09@reddit

No problem is too big or complicated for Reddit!!

[-]

sfgf27@reddit

Alanon is great if you have someone close to you struggling with alcohol and/or drugs.

[-]

pippi_longstocking09@reddit

"Family doesn't give up on family" - Omg. Setting healthy boundaries with someone does not equal "giving up" on them! It's practically the opposite. Boundaries means "rules for relationships." In your case, my boundaries would probably be: 1. not letting him live with me, and 2. not giving him money. I would give him info about resources are available to him (public benefits, charities, non-profits, rehab, vocational rehab, a job at Goodwill, etc.) and maybe (if he wasn't just being a manipulative sociopath and I knew I was strong enough to do it) still talk to him on the phone when he calls. But I would be very clear on those two rules/boundaries: 1. no money and 2. no living with me.

That's an example of a healthy boundary ("rule for relationship"). (p.s. it's different for each relationship.)

[-]

bexy11@reddit

Not enabling him isn’t giving up on him. It’s doing him a favor in the long run. You’re not really helping him long term doing what you’re doing.

I have a brother who still lives with our 80 year old dad most of the time and does nothing to help out around the house and doesn’t pay for anything.

Our dad isn’t going to be around forever and how will my brother deal with adult life alone when he’s gone? I don’t know. I’ve been trying to convince my dad to kick him out for years to no avail.

Cutting off your son financially is helping him be able to live and survive on his own when you’re gone. I don’t envy you though. It’s got to be very difficult.

[-]

DespyHasNiceCans@reddit

"I have people in my ear saying family doesn't give up on family." Cool, then they can help out too! When are they gonna pitch in? Oh. Wait. They aren't? Riiiiiight. Advice like this is so easy to give to other people when you aren't in the same situation.

[-]

velvet42@reddit

Advice like this is so easy to give to other people when you aren't in the same situation.

A cousin of my dad's found this out the hard way. Brother and sister, their mom had Alzheimer's. The brother had taken the mom in, but over the course of a year or two she'd become too difficult to deal with. Her Alzheimer's had progressed, she was lashing out at her D-I-L, not always recognizing people - so they were going to put her up in a nursing home (a nice one, I might add, it's not like they were just going to drop her off at any old dump and wash their hands of the situation)

The sister, who lived many states away, was really upset about this and kept pulling that BuT fAmIlY!! crap. To her credit, I suppose, she put her proverbial money where her mouth was and took her mom in. It was only a couple months before she had to eat her words because she (SHOCK!) couldn't properly care for her. They did wind up putting her in the nursing home, where they visited her regularly, and she did much better there before eventually passing

You’re not a dummy, you just need some new skills.

Get a therapist to help you.

If you don’t think therapy will help, you are a dummy after all.

[-]

AnastasiaNo70@reddit

But did you bail him out?

[-]

notthatkindofdoctorb@reddit

I know hindsight is 20/20 and I don’t know specifics here so this isn’t personally directed at you, more a general comment. But once someone has a record, it becomes more difficult to find employment so unless the crimes are violent, cutting someone off or kicking them out is preferable to calling the police.

"family doesn't give up on family"

Enabling someone IS "giving up" on them. He has a job. You're not leaving him destitute. He's got a paycheck coming in. He needs to figure out how to support himself fully with the money he earns, period. It's sink or swim time. He is an adult. If he doesn't make enough money to pay his rent/ultilities/whatever, then he can get a second job or a roommate or an OnlyFans. He needs to figure it out HIMSELF.

You can buy him groceries and treats and whatnot because "family doesn't give up on family", but stop giving him money to pay his bills. He's got to figure that shit out himself!

[-]

LifeOutLoud107@reddit

"Family doesn't give up pn family" can be "I'll drive you to your rehab/job interview" it doesn't need to be "here's cash to make the results of your own (in)action go away."

[-]

FuzzyScarf@reddit

It’s not easy, for sure. ❤️

[-]

PaulasBoutique88@reddit

Yep. I've seen parents enable their children into the grave. Cut the apron strings

[-]

MUCHO2000@reddit

Yes. Just let them be homeless and eat out of dumpsters. Tough love is the way.

What are you saying? Not helping them is helping them not due an early death?

Flesh it out for me. I'm curious

Well done. What I took as a cavalier attitude was one born from extensive personal experience and learning.

[-]

invisiblemeows@reddit

Government benefits provide food and housing.

[-]

MUCHO2000@reddit

Oh yeah? Weird why we have so many homeless people but I guess they should have just talked to you huh?

Anyways are you speaking from personal experience or also just talking out of your ass like the other guy?

[-]

invisiblemeows@reddit

Personal experience. My mother would do nothing for herself, she expected her parents, husbands, then her children to provide for her needs. When we decided to stop enabling her, she moved into subsidized housing and used SNAP for food.

[-]

MUCHO2000@reddit

Damm. That's rough. I don't know if I could cut off my mom but she also is a wonderful human being.

[-]

invisiblemeows@reddit

It definitely wasn’t easy, but helping her never helped her. It was always one self- inflicted crisis after another. I didn’t have tons of money to be throwing away. You’re lucky to have a wonderful mom.

[-]

Mindless-Employment@reddit

I have a friend who grew up around wealthy people in Southern California, and I'm genuinely astonished at how many of his high school friends he's told me about substance abusing themselves to death with the help of their parents. The whole idea was unimaginable to me.

I have too; it happened with my best friend/roommate from college. His mom passed away when he was 15, and I guess his dad just kind of gave up after that. He never quit the hard drinking and partying after college, and the last time I saw him almost exactly a year before he died he was barely coherent and stumbling everywhere. I left his place in tears that day knowing the end was coming. He died a month after his 34th birthday.

"You big dummy!!!" - Fred G Sanford 😆 😆 😆

I kid, I kid. But seriously, as parents if we don't hold our children accountable for their bad behavior, we are just as irresponsible as they are. You are actually empowering his errant behavior financially. Stop. FULL stop.

I'm going through something similar with my son & my elderly parents. Roughly 13 months ago, my Dad (who recently has been diagnosed with Dementia) took my son in after being evicted from his apartment. He (my son) says he has depression. I TOTALLY emphasize with that management being hospitalized for it in high school. Unfortunately, he won't go to therapy & refuses to take the medication to stabilize his mental health. Says it hurts his stomach. When his current counselor changed his meds, there ALWAYS an excuse why the script hasn't been filled. He also refuses to maintain employment. Excessively tardy the first 2 weeks have led to his termination of the last two jobs my wife sourced for income. Never thought I'd REALLY hear it from someone else but yesterday a VERY dear friend of my folks AND my wife a few months ago almost expertly described what my son is dealing with: malingering.

After trying (unsuccessfully?) to distance myself from my folks (specifically my Dad...my Mom wanted my son gone from their home months ago!!!) enabling behavior, I'm pursuing what's called a durable power of attorney. Hopefully this will give me the authority to help with bills (utilities & cell phones have been shut off recently off & on) & get them the health coverage they need. My Dad's a Vet, BTW.
My Mom recently got covid induced pneumonia that she hasn't FULLY recovered from. Trying to stand in the gap, I brought food, N95 masks & sani wipes to help them (hopefully?) sterilize the environment for my Ma. On the follow up from my cousin (whom my Ma talks to almost daily) - my son barely lifted a finger to help my Ma. 💔💔💔

Sooooooo. Hope THAT wasn't just a bunch of useless info. ALL of us parents have problem with with our kids, yeah? It's TOTALLY understandable that you don't want to see your kids struggling or consequence for poor decisions. Actually, what I've discovered - struggling (financially?) in prudent decisions builds wisdom AND character. Coal will NEVER become a diamond without pressure. And neither will our kids. NOT to the point where they wanna "unalive" themselves. No, not the sort. But, hopefully you get the point?

Cutting off financial support doesn't mean you don't love your son. Quite frankly, it means you don't approve of his decisions...🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️

[-]

typhoidtimmy@reddit

He is a 30 year old man, not a 20 something newbie.

He's a grown adult. It's time he takes care of himself. My brother is like this. He has incredible skills in the aeronautics field, but he is an alcoholic and (chooses) to live like a homeless man. He is in his mid-60s now. After my mom died a few years ago, I saw in her papers that she was still giving him "loans" which he never ever repaid. He had been mooching money from her since he graduated, even though he was capable (and did) make good money. He just blew it. It explained why my mom returned to work at 81yo. 🤬

You'll be doing your son a huge favor by showing tough love now. He HAS to grow up!

[-]

Constantly_Curious-@reddit

Your son is experiencing “failure to launch.” He still has an adolescent mind in a man’s body.

If you feel like you need to help him financially, you don’t give him money - personally pay for the need. Need groceries? Buy them for him.

But in a few years, he’s going to be a middle aged man with no actual life experiences at hustling at work, suffering without, and making decisions on his own that directly affect his immediate future.

You have to absolutely stop enabling him. Today.

Sincerely, I’ve Been There

[-]

bradrame@reddit

I feel like I'm still there (failure at launch) and I'm currently paying rent. I don't have a drug history but I tend to get fired from jobs.

[-]

Constantly_Curious-@reddit

Do know what you’re getting fired from jobs? Is it attendance? Performance? Fit with the company?

You may benefit from working with a career coach to figure it out and develop a plan to figure it out. For example, it’s been a long time since I was fired, but I was fired from a mall job at the cookie shop because I came in high all the time. I was ruining the cookies as they baked because I was baked. So I learned not to going to work stoned.

[-]

bradrame@reddit

I would crack after a while and argue back to higher ups, I would say offensive things without realizing they are offensive. These are my biggest issues I'm unsure how to not get explosive at times, and I'm scared I might say something really offensive.

[-]

IllustriousEnd2055@reddit

Definitely get tested for ADHD. Many universities with medical schools have specialists who can do testing. It can be life changing!

[-]

spanishquiddler@reddit

Do you have an ADHD brain? Autism? If undiagnosed you could be really struggling.

[-]

[-]

Conscious-Snow-8411@reddit

Needed to hear this. We're struggling with our oldest (21 years old). We just don't know what to do with him. This thread has been immensely valuable. Thank you, all!

[-]

Flimsy_Fee8449@reddit

I don't know what is going on with your oldest, and I can now post in AskOldPeople, but while intelligent, I needed to take The Scenic Route in life. Had to figure my shit out for myself. Perhaps this is similar to yours. It was a rough road, but I learned a LOT and did well.

I was asked to take a year off from school (by the school). Moved across the country to help take care of my grampa, worked telemarketing, door-to-door sales, fast food, day labor. Decided I'd like to do something that paid more. Paid for my own JC for a couple years, learned I loved emergency medicine. Broke as hell, bought a sixer of Itsa Beer for my 21st birthday. Hate beer. Joined the Army, decided I liked Monterey better than Ft. Sam Houston, so became a linguist. Finished my degree - not at the Ivy League I started at, but I DO currently hold a Bachelor of Science in Liberal Arts which amuses me to no end. Gotna great job after a few combat deployments. Started my career in my mid-30s. In my 50s now, still trying to figure out what I wanna do when I grow up. I'm thinking I wanna be an underwater archeologist.

My parents were always an available safety net if stuff went too badly. But if I wanted to live on my own with my bf (later husband) and my own rules, I had to fund that.

If I'm at home, their home their rules regardless of my age. I want my own rules, I pay my own way. That worked for me.

Ask him what floats his boat, what makes his eyes light up, and what jobs involve that. Help him start towards that field. Always be there to provide a safe harbor if the seas get too rough, but as long as he's in that safe harbor, he has to obey the Harbor Master.

Good luck ❤️

[-]

EndBusiness7720@reddit

Why provide a safe harbor? Tell the kid/man that he's grown, he's not mentally challenged, it's time to be like every normal human in the world and get out. What middle-aged man wants to sponge off his parents his entire life? What parents want to enable the kid to sponge off them their entire life? He won't care when you reach retirement age and don't have two dimes to rub together because of his selfishness. He won't want to be your baby boy when you're flat broke.

[-]

Flimsy_Fee8449@reddit

I will always be there for my kids when shit goes sideways.

Shit went sideways for me. I needed a safe harbor for a bit. My parents actually loved me unconditionally, and I had a place to get my feet back under me. Thanks to that I'm solid. And unlike you, my parents won't die in a nursing home getting weekly visits.

Neither will I.

Neither did either set of my grandparents.

Thank you.

[-]

misslam2u2@reddit

Really well said. You simply cannot care more than the person won't effected. It's a power imbalance that is unsustainable

[-]

Hot-Butterfly-8024@reddit

This is the parental support version of “dating someone’s potential”. It’s simply failing to accept the reality of who someone is, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise.

[-]

disjointed_chameleon@reddit

Never date someone for potential. I did, married it, and thankfully got myself out before children could enter the picture. I waited nine years for "potential" to happen. It never did.

[-]

Also, what’s going to happen when you die, op? No one left to help him? He needs to manage his own life asap or else he wont be around much longer after you and your husband pass.

[-]

Cactusandcreosote@reddit

Going through this with my nephew now. It took us a long time to realize that he was simply playing us. This is a kid who tests off the charts academically, and who does well at work, he just doesn’t want to work. We finally told him that we had certain requirements in order to continue the support and if he did not meet those requirements, we would not help out any longer. So far, we are sticking to that boundary. It’s not easy, but as someone set up thread, the alternative is for him to be 30, 40, 50 years old and still looking to us for support.

[-]

Embarrassed_Mango679@reddit

Or he'll turn into my great uncle Bob. 70 years old and shuffling from the recliner to the bed while his 90 year old mother brings him drink after drink on his TV tray while smoking one Pell Mell right after the other.

True story.

[-]

somethingquirky01@reddit

Must be a thing with Uncle Bobs. I have one who does the same. Mid 60s, divorced, kids won't talk to him, gambling addiction. My 90 yo grandparents have to manage his money.

[-]

MissBrokenCapillary@reddit

So sad for his mom. :( but she still does it, which makes it even sadder

[-]

Embarrassed_Mango679@reddit

I'm pretty sure Bob would have been better off if she'd booted him in the ass a couple of times rather than continually serving him cocktails in his recliner watching game shows all day. I honestly don't think he ever had a job. They both passed quite a while ago.

Came here to ask this as well.

[-]

Embarrassed_Mango679@reddit

[-]

cownan@reddit

This happened with my best friend from highschool's little brother. The guy never got it together, couldn't hold a job more than a few weeks, got in gambling debts, and got arrested a string of times for drug related offenses. My friend's mom would always bail him out, give him money, provide him a place to stay.

My friend gained some success and bought a nice house. Mom had always been a renter, and my friend wanted her to have a nice place to live so had her move in with him, but the brother had to come along or the mother wouldn't do it.

Last year, his mom passed away and now my best friend is taking care of his 45-year old brother and probably will for the rest of his life

[-]

Constantly_Curious-@reddit

gawd that sucks your poor friend

[-]

Jokkitch@reddit

I'd argue OP's son insn't 'failing to launch'. OP's son is straight financially and emotionally abusive. OP's son is preying on their parent's kindness.

OP you have to stop offering and giving money. You can still help in other ways. Offer your son a place to stay, but be sure to not allow anyone else to stay with him (that could turn into a whole shit storm).

You can offer to help them apply for jobs, look into schooling.

There are many ways you can help your son help himself without draining your bank account.

Constantly_Curious-@reddit

As a parent, you have to balance your attachments and emotions to what’s right. So sometimes you help out because your heart is breaking. This is a compromise between being taken advantage of and experiencing a broken heart (as this mother evidently has).

Of course, in all parenting situations YMMV based experiences, resources, being an actual parent, etc.

Decisions are tough and I’m only speaking from my experience. If you have any constructive solutions based on your experiences, I’m sure the mother will read them.

[-]

ricst@reddit

So essentially, this is all about you and your feelings and not what's best for the kid.

[-]

hansemcito@reddit

as much as all want to assess from a far, history has taught me that this is likely failure to launch because of failure to deal with PTSD and history of family BS. of course i could be wrong too because we cant know all of OPs interactions but i didnt read anything about therapy/counseling in there.

If he doesn’t manage his money well, maybe you can help him find a class/course that will help him learn how to manage his money.

Things like this are not innately known to all, some need guidance - no matter the age.

Can you help him come up with a budget where he pays his bills…necessities, etc., saves some, and the rest he can do what he wants BUT when it’s gone it’s gone and he will not be getting extra from you or your husband. The key to this is that you have to employ tough love. He won’t break in two because he’s not getting his way.

Does he now or has he in the past shown difficult focusing on something for a long time?

Maybe he’s undiagnosed ADHD or just needs to learn coping mechanisms/meditation techniques when he’s having a tough time.

Right now, his parents are his coping mechanism and he does not need to do anything or put in any effort.

Does he have anger issues? You said:

He knows how to play me so he doesn’t ask I just give because I have such anxiety about him.

Therapy isn’t a bad things if he needs help with anger issues. I’m not saying he does, just throwing out suggestions.

It’s never too late to learn and if he needs to learn these things to help him in life, it’s ok.

Good luck.

[-]

Ok_Neighborhood_2159@reddit

Your son is "adulting", he's picking and choosing when he wants to cosplay being an adult without committing fully. You have to let him make his own mistakes and correct them or he will be reliant on you until you leave this earth. I know it's going to be hard to watch him struggle but he has to do it, he is like a decade behind.

[-]

Figment_Pigment@reddit

You wanted a child, you have a child, this is your responsibility for life. Or I'm sorry did you just want a child for like 18yrs and then thought you'd be good? Life long commitment, kids are

[-]

I_C_Seashells@reddit

Yes! Think of it thus way. If you don't stop supporting him, when you're not around anymore he won't have a clue and will find it 10 times harder.

Cut him off while you're still around to help him with advice.

At some point he will stand on his own 2 feet because he'll have to.

[-]

[-]

Western_Lecture_5079@reddit

Your son will not learn to take care of himself until he has to provide food, safety and shelter for himself. Tell him it is for his own good that you will not be providing for him going forward. If he wants to get by, he'll figure it out.

[-]

itchierbumworms@reddit

It was fine when he was 18. Long past fine at 30 something . Live your life, he'll be fine...or not. Not your problem.

[-]

Salt_Anywhere_6604@reddit

I had to pay for everything when I was a teen. I got no breaks. We carried on the same method with our kids and they’re all financially independent. When you KNOW you gotta work for what you need/want, it changes things

[-]

ksarahsarah27@reddit

At some point, you have to stop. Maybe he needs to experience homelessness. He clearly isn’t learning any lessons here because you step in before he’s held accountable for his own decisions. Remember, once you pass away, if he hasn’t been forced to live on his own, he IS going to fail and have no safety net at all. So you need to make sure that he’s self-sufficient by the time you die. So you’re not doing any favors for him by enabling him like this.

[-]

flibbity_floom@reddit

Your son may have a mental illness. Pay for a psychiatrist and hopefully he will get meds he needs and you won't have to pay anymore.

[-]

Fair_Inevitable_2650@reddit

My friend lost her entire retirement savings helping her son. He was Type 1 diabetic and she thought she was helping with insulin. The money was all going to street drugs. He was arrested picking up drugs while his minor child was with him. He lost his wife and daughter to divorce and my friend lost the love of her grandchild in the bargain and is still working at age 70+

You think you are helping them, but you are not and you are eventually hurting yourself as you lose any respect you had for your child. Cutting off the money does not mean you have to stop loving them and pointing them to outside help.

You must prepare for retirement for yourself. SS won’t be enough. Be strong and love yourself. You deserve it.

[-]

CollegeNW@reddit

It would have been appropriate to stop on day 1.

Look into Al-anon or counseling for enabling.

[-]

Katriina_B@reddit

My own brother did this. He lived on his 'own' for a grand total of eighteen months when he got married, but it didn't last.

Unfortunately, my mother refused to cut him off, and my dad had already resigned himself to the fact that his only son would never make it in life without someone holding his hand, because Mom always babied him and bailed him out. She favored him over me, and it ended up costing me a lot, but that's another tale to tell another time.

Anyway, now that my brother has had a stroke (three years ago on his 47th birthday) he can't take care of himself, and it will be up to us to care for him for the rest of his life. It's SO important to teach financial and emotional independence when we're younger, because unfortunately there comes a point where it's just too late to untie the apron strings without dire repercussions.

[-]

comma_space_erase@reddit

I highly recommend the book "Codependent No More" to understand this dynamic. It was a big, big problem in my family, and a therapist finally clued me in. She recommended this book. Game changer.

[-]

sevenselevens@reddit

Is he still using/drinking away the money? If so you might consider an Al-Anon meeting. It’s for parents/spouses/children of addicts and teaches you how to love an addict but not drown with them.

[-]

Peterepeatmicpete@reddit

I have a friend that did this/does this. Her son is 59 now. Same old

[-]

Sintered_Monkey@reddit

I have a friend who is 56 now. No substance abuse, but other than that, he was completely enabled by his father for his entire life. Of all things, he was addicted, I mean really addicted, to video games. Fortunately for him, there was family wealth, plus he married into more wealth, so needing to support himself financially has never been a problem. But to this day, we're both pushing 60, and he's never had an actual job, just so many "I'm gonna's." I remember years ago telling him to give me his resume, to which his response was "I don't have one." When the movie Step Brothers came out, I felt like I was watching a documentary.

He is really, really lucky that money has never been an issue, but he has really sat by for 30+ years and just watched the world pass him by. At this point, I really can't relate to him anymore, because it feels like I'm talking to a 19 year old.

[-]

Zealousideal_Sun6362@reddit

Stop enabling. Own your history of creating this. And do what you can to fix it, and accept that you can’t.

[-]

Writingeverything1@reddit

Family counseling, asap. Something is going on, definitely. Does he have ADHD? Depression? Addiction? See a family counselor and figure out if there’s a dynamic you’re too close to the situation to recognize.

[-]

No-East-956@reddit

It was ok a long time ago

[-]

disjointed_chameleon@reddit

I went through something similar with my ex-husband. He effectively turned into an abusive deadbeat, and I spent nine years supporting him while he put me through absolute hell.

His issues included:

Raging anger problem
Excessive drinking for years
Legitimate hoarding problem
Barely contributed to household responsibilities
Refusal to maintain steady employment for years on end
Significant financial irresponsibility

I was forced to bring home all the money, AND I also still had to handle the bulk of housework, AND I endured his abuse & issues with a smile on my face, even while continuing to navigate life with my autoimmune condition, which has involved a rotating cocktail of chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and a bunch of surgeries over the years. Since he's a veteran, every ounce of me just wanted to help him get back on his feet. To preface: he never deployed, he's completely able-bodied, and is totally healthy. He is your average, caucasian, mid-30's American male. I tried EVERYTHING to help support him, and to connect him with resources available to him, many of which can be accessed from the comfort of home:

Resume
Cover letter
Pursuit of higher education using his benefits
Connecting with other veterans
Extended my professional network to him
Made introductions on his behalf
Put in a good word with MULTIPLE different employers
Encouraged him to consult a doctor for ailments
Encouraged him to seek help through the VA
Encouraged him to talk to a therapist, I even sent him a list of 5-7 local therapists, and I even vetted them to ensure insurance coverage

The outcome? NOTHING. Zip, nada, zilch. He made excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't or wouldn't help himself. NOTHING I tried worked. And I spent nine years effectively banging my head against the proverbial wall, wondering what else I could do to help him. In my mind, I kept thinking: he's just struggling and needs help. I'm his wife, and it's my responsibility as his spouse to help him. However, there came a point, about 4-6 months before I left him, where I had the following realization:

Nothing is going to change. You've spent 8+ years trying to help him, and clearly nothing has worked. The only way change is going to happen is if YOU grab a hold of the reigns and MAKE change happen.

I had already been in therapy for a good year or so by then, but that moment was pivotal for me, and perhaps it might help you too. Thankfully, my ex-husband and I never had children, so I understand the dynamic, but I DO also know what it's like to see that same dynamic between parents, because my (now former) brother-in-law, who is in his mid-20's, is effectively an exact replica of my ex-husband: failure to launch. Still living at home with mom in her subsidized housing. Doesn't contribute to chores. Doesn't have a job. Flunked out of community college and attempted to blame the professors for his failure. And unfortunately, his mother, who is my former mother-in-law, just cannot seem to understand that she is enabling her son. For years, her mantra has always been "I just want my baby boys to be happy".

Happiness is all well and great, but as a parent, there's also responsibility to help set your children up for success in life, so that they CAN thrive independently. None of us will be alive forever. What's going to happen to your son once you're gone? Do you want him to be homeless? Cutting him off may seem harsh, but sometimes, letting someone hit rock bottom is the best gift and form of love you can give them, because it can be an effective teacher in teaching them the skills necessary to survive in this harsh world we live in. Would you rather see him potentially flounder now for a number of years, while you're still there to lend (non-financial) support? Or would you rather be at the end of your own life, concerned about your son becoming homeless as soon as you pass on? Do your son a favor and show yourself an act of kindness by cutting him off. It will ultimately be good for both of you.

[-]

Majestic-Post2079@reddit

Do you know why he drinks, does drugs? I’ve been working on myself and found Dr Gabor Mate’s lectures and interviews on YouTube. I’m in recovery for 10 yrs, I haven’t drank for 10 years. I’ve worked in the mental health field for 32 years. Gabor Mate’s work is changing my life. I didn’t hear about his work while I was working in the field,I wish I had found him sooner. It could help you and your husband have some understanding to help your family. Gabor Mate’s”, MD has many NYT bestsellers. You can check out what he has to say on addiction, disease and see if it resonates with you.
I started doing this work for my own sanity, it’s very hard as a parent to hear, but he never assigns blame for anyone. I found him on YouTube, he speaks from his own experience, work and personal. I find his work incredibly valuable. I bought one of his books I wish you and your family the best.

[-]

Normal_Calendar2403@reddit

I would be paying for him to get mental health support and perhaps an ADHD assesment.

But you will have to ween off supporting him.

It may be that you need therapy yourself to out in a realistic 12 month plan. That sees him supported and also bounded.

It sounds like you need sullort

[-]

There's a reason mama birds eventually kick their young out of the nest. It's tough love & necessary to learn to survive and fend for themselves

[-]

Due_Average7729@reddit

Yes, ofcourse it is. He's not a child or student or a son who has an isolated problem for which he borrows some money.

But you already know the answer. I think its more interesting to think about the why and how.

Why is he so dependent/lazy/manipulative/passive? Who raised him and why didn't it succeed the parents to teach him to become an independent, adult, loving and responsible man? It might be hard to think about this, as we all want to see ourselves as good parents, but loving your child unconditionally is not necessarily good parenting.

How often we see parents who go for what i call the "easy" way: giving lots of material stuff, giving lots of money, not telling their kids NO, not explaining their kids their choices have consequences and thats for them to take. And perhaps the most important thing: (which i hope is still understandable as i am no native English speaker)not necessarily living an examplary life as parents.

Some kids are growing up with not much boundaries and everything for the grab, as the parents give and give. These parents mix up this kind of love & attention, and their unconditional giving in both financial and emotional ways with being a good parent.

Its a bit like overfeeding your cat or dog from the start, and then saying the animal is always begging for food.

There's no impulse for a child to chance from a mental toddler to an adult person when you treat him like a baby who is still totally dependent from their parents. That seems to be the case, a bit harshly put.

And it does raise the question why does a parent what he does? Whats in it for the parent. Does it make the parent feel indispensable? Is it the way their upbringing went/ they are used to, or are they compensating for a childhood without stuff? Or is there another reason to go on and on with 'overfeeding' your physically grown up baby?

So it might be a bit late in his life, but better now then never: treat your son like the adult he is or should be. That might be difficult for you, but as you are a loving parent, its the only way and your responsibility to do so.

[-]

bionicback@reddit

Enabling bad behavior is almost always the worst choice possible. He’s 30. If he had a child I would advise watching the child for him. He has to learn how to swim on his own. One day you won’t be here to bail him out of his decisions. Wouldn’t you want to be sure he will be okay when the day comes? I know I would.

[-]

liamjonas@reddit

If family leave you over money, they aren't really family anymore. They are parasites.

[-]

Allmyexesliveintx333@reddit

Stop now. He will figure it out and if he doesn’t that is his problem. The older he gets the harder it will be. I know it seems harsh but i would stop buying for the baby too. He and his girl have to figure out how to access resources. There are food banks, churches, organizations. He is going to gave to grow up now.

[-]

mantaray179@reddit

Boy needs consequences for his actions. Own his own life. Talk to your husband to come up with the plan in advance that includes some manny to get his own place. Give your son a month or two but not too long to get prepared. Reasonable man standard. You should make it crystal clear you love and support your son, but effect x date, he’s cut off financially. You’ve given him enough money to succeed of he doesn’t squander it. Thats his choice now. You must cut off all payments. Nothing. No matter how hard or painful. Don’t give in.

Be there to love and support him, talk to him, guide him, give him ideas to solve problems but no money, except birthday and Christmas.

[-]

jackandcherrycoke@reddit

You are hurting your son.

If you died tomorrow he would (seemingly) be unable to support himself. Stop enabling him.

He spends his money on stupid things? Then he can sell those things when he has bills due.

He can't keep a job? Then he can't have fun things, only shelter and food.

If you can't fully stop, limit yourself to food. Never give him money, take him grocery shopping.

This is the hardest part... if he gets evicted, do not give him money, being homeless will be humbling. If you just cannot bear that, offer him a place in your home, with all the limits from when he was a kid... because he still is.

"I don't want him to suffer!" You are helping him stay in situations where he will always suffer. It is up to him to change, but he will never do that as long as you keep bailing him out.

[-]

_playing_the_game_@reddit

The only way a lot of ppl learn how to successfully navigate life is by dealing with consequences caused by their actions.

You have taken that away and he has little to no consequences.

You are creating the situation you seemimgly do not know how to repair.

[-]

squee_bastard@reddit

Hold up, you have a 30 something year old son that can’t figure out how to be an adult and pay his own bills?

Oh hun, please stop enabling him and look up learned helplessness because your son is fully taking advantage of you.

I know this sounds crazy but once you cut him off financially please change the locks to your home. We never know how people will react when being cut off financially. I’ve seen one too many true crime shows where adult children kill their parents for inheritance.

[-]

Aeribous@reddit

The best thing you can do for him is cut him off or he will never learn.

[-]

Confident-Crawdad@reddit

The deal we've made with our adult children is that they'll never be homeless. They can always move back home and we'll figure out what they need to contribute.

Your son is an adult. He has to learn to handle his own affairs. What he's been doing is self-sabotage to the max.

If you continue to support your son's self-destructive behavior, you and your spouse will go broke. Sadly, your son won't be able to help you in your later years if this keeps going on.

Best wishes and good luck!

[-]

akaram369@reddit

It's gonna hurt but like everyone else is saying, the longer you enable him, the worse it'll get it. Imagine what he'd be like if he continues to be like this when you and your husband pass away. 30 is definitely the age where you gotta do something or else.

[-]

lantana98@reddit

It’s essential. You need to push him to grow up and take care of himself. Tell him you’d are done and stop treating him like a child. If he doesn’t want to live under a bush he’ll learn.

[-]

EastHuckleberry5191@reddit

"if I keep giving, he’ll never learn.
Is it ok to stop?"

So you’re going to keep paying for his fk ups, thereby affecting your future financial stability? What happens when he’s eaten away at your retirement money? He’s not going to be in a position to help you financially and you’ll end up in the same boat he’s in.

Would his parents have to have totally abandoned him in order to change his path? No. But could they have done more a LOT differently. Absolutely. I can’t say for sure that pushing him to pull his finger out of his ass when he was younger would have helped… but we all know it wouldn’t have made things worse.

It won’t be easy. And I can’t tell you what will work. But what you have been doing up to now clearly isn’t working. So, fresh tactics. Maybe he and you need to speak to a professional. Tell him that if he wants help, this is how it has to happen.

[-]

Street-lust@reddit

You keep enabling him. He will never learn to stand on his own

[-]

Poochwooch@reddit

I have been where you are and totally understand the struggle you are going through but until you stop enabling him to live this life of dependence on you he will continue.

If you stop now and I mean right now, today this instant he will have to learn and I’m sure he will fall down a few more times but until he knows what bottom feels like he will never learn.

I totally get your pain, I had a daughter like this, it was a nightmare, but we had to go through it, she’s fine now, settled and living a good happy life, but it was hell for a while and I never want to experience that again and I don’t wish the pain on any parent but this is part of our duty of care - teaching them how to navigate life’s lessons

[-]

PositiveStress8888@reddit

I know he's your son, but it's entirely possible that all the love and care you put into raising him simply didn't take and he's an asshole.

Let him figure it out or not on his own, some of the birds that leave the nest fall flat on thier face.

he wont learn because he dosen't have to, he's never had to get it together because you'll bail him out, in money, or jail.

Tell him if he ever asks for money or help , the conversation is over.

[-]

Aussie_antman@reddit

God this frightens me, have a teenage son who is on this path. Hasnt done anything bad yet (other than disrespecting his teachers). We spoil him too much and he wont do anything off his own bat.

What makes it worse is his older sister is completely the opposite, star student, mentors younger students, basically a totally independent adult with a plan at age 17.

We've just started the child therapist path and been confirmed everything we are worried about. Basically fix it now before he becomes a totally lost adult who blames everyone else for his failures. Scary shit.

[-]

jenacom@reddit

Short story: I dated a guy who is the son of a very famous (and wealthy) performer. He was a mess for many, many years (prior to me dating him). He got away with a lot of his behavior by moving away. He was supported by a trust. As soon as his parents found out, they cut him off. He sold everything he owned and was down to living in an old crappy van and eating from dumpsters. Hitting rock bottom finally took its toll and he called his dad for help. He meant it this time. He was sent to rehab where he got clean and then moved back home. He is doing great now. Enabling never works. Ever.

[-]

TeaVinylGod@reddit

I run group homes. I get guys like your son staying in my homes all the time so I can relate.

He needs rock bottom. If he ends up dead or in prison, you would feel guilty for enabling him.

Tell him to call for a ride to detox or don't call at all.

[-]

Doxiebaby@reddit

I feel this because my parents did the same thing with our youngest brother. If you have other children I can tell you they resent this brother and resent your constant enabling. My brother is now 60, our parents are gone, he’s unemployed and an alcoholic who just married a Filipina on a whim and is trying to get her here on a spousal visa. He is still helpless but none of us will rescue him like our parents did.

I have gone through this. One day, I realized that my "helping" was not really helping. It was enabling. What I was doing was a quick fix to keep ME from worrying about my child's well-being.

Think about it in terms of physical health and the use of a body part. If I used crutches and avoided using one of my legs for a long period of time, the unused leg would cease being functional. Muscles would atrophy, and the feeling of walking would be foreign. I would make my leg completely worthless.

My child did not exercise their muscles because I became their crutches. Once i stepped out of that role, making better decisions became a necessity to survive. They are flourishing now! If they hadn't, I knew that I was not to blame!

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Thanks, for this.

[-]

Sea_Roof6852@reddit

I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. Nope. Hardest thing I've done. Now, I am there to help with hiccups and not all of it. Sometimes, doing the right thing is hard.

It’s definitely okay to let him figure it out. You’ve done your duty as a parent and more. You don’t owe him anything. Is he using now? Sounds like he may be. If that’s the case, it’s even more important that you stop enabling him.

I’m here if you think I might be of help.

Source: am mental health therapist

[-]

Interesting-Mess2393@reddit

While I understand no one wants to watch their child fail, at some point you have to consider your needs and future. What happens when your adult child drains your bank account and you need care? He knows he doesn’t have to be responsible with his money cause the parents will take care of it. Set your boundaries, explain why, offer guidance but stop enabling him. I hit a rough patch shortly after college, I moved home for a set amount of time with the parameters in place: my mom managed my money, I could get a side gig for fun money but she was saving my salary for deposits and buying a washer and dryer, I had a curfew and rules and there were consequences too. I had friends make fun of me but I’ll say this…I needed a place to live and needed support. My friends couldn’t/wouldn‘t help but my parents offered with those parameters and I respected them. I was 26… and I’m very grateful for their help and the parameters because I grew up.

[-]

anacanapona@reddit

Detach with love. Detaching with love refers to caring enough to allow others to learn from their mistakes and experience the natural consequences of their actions, while also prioritizing your own well-being and needs, without enabling or controlling others.

[-]

theredwolf@reddit

Omg please stop paying for your adult child's poor mistakes. He has no reason to even try to change with you not letting him grow. Sometimes love can be harsh but it is the right thing to do. What will happen when you are gone? Let him learn now while he still has you for support (support like a parent, not a fairy godmother).

[-]

koopz_ay@reddit

Am watching a mate still going through this with hus (now 39) daughter.

It's heartbreaking.

Offer to give him advice and help with skills. How to open a brokerage account. How to automatically put 15% of his pay in an index fund. Basic cooking skills, etc.

But no money. None. Zero.

No free rent. Show him how to find rooms for rent on market place. Do not rent it for him

[-]

Hyperactiv3Sloth@reddit

The only reason he keeps acting that way is because you keep bailing him out. He'll NEVER reach rock bottom and will continue to use you any way he can.

I had to kick my adult son out when he threatened to take us Russian surplus assault rifle to the Denver State House if it got overrun like in Michigan. Hard decision but it had to be made.

I say that so you know I'm not recommending anything to you that I haven't done myself.

[-]

TrueNotTrue55@reddit

It’s past time for little bird to fly on its own.

[-]

xustos@reddit

[-]

Firm_Accountant2219@reddit

Yes it’s ok. In fact, it’s the right thing to do, as has been said. You are enabling his self-destructive behavior, and that is ruining his life and yours.

Cut him off and let him fail. It may not be the ‘nice’ thing to do, but it’s the right thing to do - and the loving thing to do.

[-]

RebaKitt3n@reddit

Yes, it’s time for some tough love. You had a child and now you have an adult.

You need to sit him down and tell him no more.

You can do this and you and your husband deserve a future, too.

[-]

BoboliBurt@reddit

Its tough because its a tough world and if you have the resources you dont want him to die. Its a fine line between enabling and sustaining.

Others have given you a great deal of good advice. I won't repeat it. I'll just say that I understand how difficult this is for you and I know from experience that continuing to give does not work. It's time to try something else.

[-]

DrJonathanOnions@reddit

My folks cut me off at 19 (mid nineties) because I was flaming out. It completely sucked to be me until I got my shit together. Took some time, but I got there. My 2 cents is to stop enabling an adult, and stop thinking of him as your baby. He thinks you’re an ATM

[-]

ThisIsDumb-92@reddit

the only way he is ever going to learn is if you stop paying for his antics

[-]

GypsyFurniss@reddit

Someone can’t learn from their mistakes if someone is always fixing their mistakes for them.
It’s ok to stop if you want them to grow up. It’s his life and he must be responsible for his own mistakes.

[-]

ElectronicTowel1225@reddit

You must gradually stop helping and be clear with a plan. Sadly, you've taught him by enabling him. Dr. Phil has an episode on enabling adult children. Watch it he gives solid advice. The gradual wean is the best, as it allows him to gain success and you let go. Tell him in 90 days I will not be able to help you anymore financially. I will slowly be withdrawing support. At 30, he can get a second job . Uber eats whatever it takes. Give him a list of food pantries

LillyReynoldsWill@reddit

I know when I was young my wake up call was my parents saying I'm on my own. I recently had to do this to my 24 year old daughter who took advantage of everyone around her until she burned all her bridges.

FYI, I'm grateful for my parents doing this to me even though I believe they did it in the wrong way. I learned independence. At the te I was angry but never would have learned to be independent if I hadn't been forced to be.

[-]

joeynalgas@reddit

Cut this guy off .. what the hell... This dude is 30 and you're still wiping his ass .. cut him off... You owe him nothing... Let him figure it out... ridiculous

[-]

HalogenHarmony@reddit

You've just been enabling him.

[-]

Novel_Reaction_7236@reddit

Let. Him. Go.

[-]

DeviantDe@reddit

Stop giving him money. You can help him work out a budget based on his income, you can point him to helpful resources, but stop funding anything.

We've had a few of these guys at work. 50+ year old men with no common sense about how to keep themselves afloat because someone else was always taking care of them, until they weren't.

[-]

EnigmaGuy@reddit

Seems to be an epidemic of this after discussing with family, friends, and even coworkers.

Every single person has someone in their life that just seems to be on autopilot, no real aspirations and no qualms whatsoever about being burden on their family as an adult.

I can sympathize that sometimes stuff happens that is out of our control and there is no shame in asking for help as long as you are putting in an honest effort.

The upper 20 and 30 something year olds that still ask for financial support on a regular basis while blowing whatever money they do happen to have on non-essential stuff? Thats something else entirely.

[-]

call-me-mama-t@reddit

Stop enabling him!!! My daughter’s Mother in Law died 2 years ago. Her youngest son caused the family grief for decades. He was an addict and a liar whose mommy bailed him out every time he got into trouble. Now that his mom is gone he has been forced to figure his life out. Guess what? He’s sober for the first time in 15 years, has a job etc. Your son will never get there if you keep bailing him out.

[-]

ellemrad@reddit

A lot of comments are supporting and encouraging you to stop supporting your 30 year old son. I agree. And, you need a plan for the aftermath.

When you break the expected pattern, he very well may do a hard press to get you “back on track” and doing the usual pattern. I’m talking about Mega Guilt trips. “I’m suffering, it’s so hard. How could you do this? Just this one last time.” Etc.

Do you have any skills at defending against this or will you cave immediately?

Try this on:

“I hear you. I believe you that this is hard. I believe you can solve this. I’m not changing my mind on the financial support. But I do care and I want you to succeed.”

You can offer to brainstorm with him of things he can do to solve his problem. But he has to drive the conversation.

You can listen but do not give in if he complains. “I hear you but I know you can solve this.”

There are a ton of jobs that are actually great for people with ADHD. We thrive as EMT, fireman, all sorts of first responders. Park Rangers, Coast Guard. Believe it or not, people with ADHD make fabulous computer programmers.

Your adult son might have an ADHD problem, and out of everyone I definitely know how difficult that is. But his real problem is that he has an empathy problem.

I imagine that you love him very much. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, I hope you can all get the help you need to develop clear boundaries and care for one another.

[-]

LinusV1@reddit

I was reading this and immediately thought ADHD. Undiagnosed/unmedicated ADHD will absolutely wreck your life over and over.

He is diagnosed and is choosing not to get medicated? Yeah, that's all on him then. He will not change unless he is forced to, and you are enabling him at this point. You need to do the right thing: cut him loose.

[-]

IamGypsyStarr@reddit

I thought this too. I have son who is diagnosed and ‘unmedicated’ but ‘self medicating’. He has blown his life up with drinking, poor choices, lying and stealing. Oh the lying holy crap.

Before we were aware of the extent, we dropped everything to help him when his marriage fell apart amid lying about working. Made him part of the business, bought an expensive truck (instead of getting myself a vehicle, which I definitely need) that he did not pay for, tried to make his life trajectory all about his family and redemption of his well being.

Nope. He continued all the poor choices, receiving multiple dui/owi, one blowing more than twice the limit and another with his kids in the vehicle.

He ignored court dates and had warrants and I guess they kicked in the door one night to take him in.

I found out more and was just beside myself. The amount of money he took out in his wife’s name without her knowledge, wasn’t paying any child support after separation/divorce, even recently used my credit card without checking sent, to pay the electric bill before having to vacate the sold home. (I disputed this charge, I am disabled and unemployed.)

There’s so much and he still isn’t working but got some dumb girl with little kids to rent a place for him/them and she buys him beers too.

I have cut communication, my husband does minimally due to taking grandson weekly. Half the time it’s that girl with future regrets he talks to.

Sorry to hijack the post with my problems.

Agreeable-You-8223@reddit

My kid is 25 and I am bailing him out left and right. Same thing, drugs, lost jobs, poor decisions court fees and lawyers, car payments.. Can't get to work if he doesn't have a car. Insurance. Dropped out of high-school got his GED.

I am tapped out. Just gave him $1,000 to catch his car payments up and get some groceries. I just can't. I am suffering and racking up credit card debt to keep afloat myself now.

When I was a young adult in my own for the first time in about 94 I had a specific financial crash out that came from some bad financial decisions. My dad let me skid for a bit and try to figure things out/forced me to work a bit harder or fail. I learned and kept myself out of trouble until I was in a desperately bad marriage and for this I was given a no questions asked safety net. I’ve been on my own figuring things out. Sometimes it’s best to experience difficulties and frustration to learn from your mistakes and improve. If you can, try to let him fail, struggle and learn. He’ll be stronger and wiser for it.

Our family is doing this right now. The person in question is 33.

He swore up and down that he had a job and got his first paycheck. It was a high-interest payday loan. Which he took out the day after he told us he'd never do that again, when we paid off his last one.

His rent is due and he is broke. We are not stepping in again.

[-]

dxddylxvesfxmbxys@reddit

from the other point of view, you’re coddling your son. the only way i was able to start my life was to leave home (albeit it was an abusive situation) and my mom would just let me rot in her house to have a live in maid. she didn’t realize how codependent our relationship was, although i have an inkling she’s never wanted the best for me. cut finances, and if you have to, cut contact. if he’s really trying- he’ll stay off drugs and get whatever he’s dealing with diagnosed. if he truly can’t get on his feet, the government is there to pick up that slack- but he needs to do it the right way. it’s his life- he needs to act like it. right now i feel like he’s just surviving and not finding anything to live for.

[-]

BossParticular3383@reddit

if I keep giving, he’ll never learn.
Is it ok to stop?

Yes, it is ok to stop. In fact, it is your duty as a parent to stop. Otherwise he will fail in life. You don't mention if you have other children. If you do, and if they are out there supporting themselves, cleaning up after their mistakes and learning those hard lessons, watching you enable and baby this kid is killing them inside. And will make them resentful, and possibly not want to try as hard. You gotta be a parent - not a maid, a free bank, a cleanup crew, or a slave to your own anxiety and fears about him. Good luck.

[-]

Lady-Cane@reddit

Don’t deny him the opportunity to learn some life lessons. Let him go.

[-]

Sensitive-Issue84@reddit

My brother was just like this until the whole family cut him off, and he had to take care of himself. We did that when he was about 28. He is fine now it took him a few years to get his shit together, but it worked.

[-]

ThatMeasurement3411@reddit

I ate crackers and peanut butter and oatmeal repeatedly when I was broke. I have never asked my parents for money.

Just start saying no to small asks and see how he deals with you saying no to him.

I can't give you the answer, you'll see a lot of comments about enabling your son and imploring you to stop enabling him. Maybe he needs a kick in the butt to learn to take care of himself, but maybe he doesn't, because maybe he can't.

My thinking is that people who we think need tough love to learn how to take care of themselves may not in fact be able to. My brother failed to launch and he lived with my mom for the rest of his life. People told my mom to stop enabling him. Turned out to be schizophrenic and unable to care for himself. Can you imagine if she had listened to everyone telling her to stop enabling him? He'd probably be living on the street.

I agree with all the enabling comments and he is definitely playing you.

I have a stepson ( not my husbands son, but a kid he raised whos parents are dead) doing exactly what OP described. He is currently in the basement, unemployed for the 5th time in a year since he has been with us.

Husband has agreed to ONE MORE YEAR of trying with him and then tell him he will have to get his own place.

Here is my delimma, the stepson won't get a traditional place to live when it's time to go. He will take his tent and go live in the woods like he did for 7 years prior to the basement. He believes family needs to provide him a free place to stay with a vehicle.

Now, what if he freezes to death during our 3 months of winter? How do I live with that when it's ME asking for a time limit to him living with us. I will be the bad guy and be blamed if he perishes or OD"s etc.

What the hell do I do? How do I reconcile this.

Also, I want a clean break, and he will ask to keep spare clothes here in the basement. Is it worth paying for a small cheap storage unit in his name, for 4 months in advance, then he can take up the payments. If he doesn't keep up the payments or get a place to live stuff will be gone.

Stop now or you'll be doing it forever.

[-]

No-Attitude1554@reddit

Well, it's your fault. That's why he's had such a hard time. Don't blame him. You didn't let him be the adult man he was supposed to be. You have to come here to ask as a parent if it's ok to let your own son be an adult. My own parents did the exact same thing. Got me out of every jam, and honestly, it increased my anxiety. I always wondered how I would survive after they were gone. I know my parents did it out of love and probably wanted me to always need them. When things needed to do in my life, my dad would offer to do it. When I declined, he would act sad and disappointed. Set the bounce but explain why in a loving way. I wished my parents would have let me figure things out. It caused me anxiety and depression.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

I have ALWAYS a blamed myself for his problems! That’s why I’m looking for outside advice.

[-]

Remarkable_Topic6540@reddit

Have you had any therapy? I ask because a therapist can teach you the difference between being supportive & helping your son vs. codependency & enabling as well as teach you coping skills and provide resources you can share with your child. In addition to therapy, have you joined any support groups like Nar- or Al-Anon? Those are usually very beneficial for your own well-being & will teach you how to be a support without harming yourself in the process.

Has your son ever gone through rehab? Therapy? NA or AA? Sought any type of help other than monetary? As much as you want to see your son succeed, continuing to give him money isn't the way to do it. He sounds like he needs professional help for treatment & ongoing recovery, but he has to make the decision that he wants help.

Off-the-Hook@reddit

Its called tough love. If you keep bailing him out, he never going to learn how to be an adult. Sounds harsh but cutting him of might be the best thing you can do to help him grow up.

[-]

chutenay@reddit

Yes. It is okay. We all have to reach our version of rock bottom when we haven’t learned it at home.

[-]

olivemarie2@reddit

[-]

TheNeonCrow@reddit

I’m a nurse and when I still worked in the PICU, I was taking care of a teenager who was there for diabetic ketoacidosis. He’d been feeling oogie and hadn’t been eating well and wasn’t checking his blood sugar. His mom said, “I kept asking him if he was checking his blood sugar and he told me he was but he wouldn’t let me see his monitor. He was really irritated with me. He laid down to take a nap and I thought I should check his glucose monitor but then I didn’t want to make him angry again.” I said, “Do you want a kid who’s mad you’re making sure he’s doing what he’s supposed to and his blood sugar is controlled or do you want a happy dead one?” I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that woman sent me a thank-you card.

[-]

It is okay to not save them every time. It's really good for their self-esteem to take care of themselves. If we fix all their problems, they have no reason to feel proud of themselves.

[-]

jbubba29@reddit

This is way more common in the current economy that you think.

[-]

Netninja00010111@reddit

Yes. IS okay to stop giving.

Sounds like therapy could be really helpful to you regarding:

Affirming to you that being a good and loving parent does NOT mean being one that enables their young adult,

Setting boundaries to protect yourself, financially and emotionally,

Having someone to be accountable to, to be sure you are standing firm in those boundaries

[-]

Requilem@reddit

Sadly some people just never learn. Eventually you aren't going to be around to save him. Better to do it sooner than later.

[-]

Deep_Lychee7476@reddit

I know you love your son very much but you got to cut him off.

My brother is the same way and my dad and step mom (gen x) REFUSE to cut him off or force him to get help.

They’ve done rehab, therapy, etc

He refuses to stay sober or stay in therapy.

As a 13 year recovering alcoholic myself the only way they will get help is by hitting rock bottom. You’re enabling will not help.

[-]

JesusJudgesYou@reddit

He’s a man. He should be independent by now. Stop enabling him.

It’s ok to not give him money. He’ll never figure out how to take care of himself until he has to. You need to back away and allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions. Through suffering we can learn a lot. I know many won’t agree with my stance and that is ok.
I speak from my own experiences. You can’t stand on your own unless your parent steps back.

[-]

rowanfire@reddit

I'm GenX, my Boomer mom is STILL supporting my useless brother who is pushing 50.

Based on the bit you wrote, they have similar stories.

It's obscene at this point. She should have cut him off and gone the tough love route years ago. What the hell is he going to do when she's dead??!! He sure as fuck is not getting a penny or a place to stay from me.

He ruined our family with his drugs and crime to buy drugs when he was a teen and the restitution my parents had to pay. Then it turned into paying his child support for two kids with two different women for him because he cannot to this day keep a job. When my dad died, my mom spent most of his life insurance (was like 50k) on my bother's fines and back support and getting him a car because he convinced her that would help him keep a job. Let me give you the spoiler...it didn't.

He moved into the other side of her double block house about 10 years ago and refuses to leave. She pays for all his bills and food and everything. He says if she tries to evict him or cut him off, he'll kill her and then himself or just burn the house down. He's so fried and such a narcissistic sociopath, we all believe him.

I learned that any money I gave her to help, just gets handed to him in one way or another. She won't sell the house and move out because that's the house she lived in with my dad, who almost 30 years later she isn't over. Also, she said I don't understand because I don't have children, but she can't abandon him.

Dude, fuck that...

She's disabled with MS and is on a very limited income. He's ruining the last years of her life just like he ruined the rest of them, only now he's worse because at almost 50 there is absolutely no hope of him ever being different. She used to have hope.

Every now and then he'll get a job and be all positive and actually stay a few months. He suckers her into thinking this is the time he's actually going to get his shit together. I literally can't stand to even talk to her anymore because, I swear to Jesus, all she talks about is him. Either how well he's doing (which makes me want to scream that he's suckered her again), or how bad he's doing (which makes me want to scream because she never learns.) I only talk to her a few times a year because I just can't deal with their toxic mess anymore. She's choosing to let him take her down with him.

You, OP, should have shut this shit down years ago. It will NEVER get better. It only gets worse. He has zero motivation to actually work and try to live like a normal human being when he can just leech off mommy and daddy.

I'm a bit shocked that a GenX is being so soft. What the hell?

[-]

rhubarbed_wire@reddit

3 hots and a cot, nothing else.

[-]

mrhorse77@reddit

so you already failed your child massively.

you should have pushed the bird out of the nest a decade ago, but instead have shielded them from life and reality to the point they may never learn.

I know this sounds harsh, but you only have yourself to blame for his failure at this point.

it will be hard, but push the bird out of the nest, and dont be surprised when they go no contact on you in a few years when they realize the damage you inflected on them.

[-]

Laidoffforlife@reddit

You nicer than me. My kid was doing the same from 18-22. At 22, I was done. Told her she 24 hours to get her things or it was going in the trash. Did speak to her for 14 months. When did she break up with her boyfriend and has had the same job for 10 months...good run for her, and she has been paying her own way.

Sometimes, you have to kick them to fly.

[-]

Baarso@reddit

Those saying “let them go”, or “kick them out” or “just stop” have little idea of what that means or looks like when you’re in that situation yourself. My youngest is everything the OP is saying, possibly worse. Saying “get out” doesn’t mean they fall off the edge of the world and out of sight. Ours hung around close to where we live (he has no ambition to leave town or go anywhere else), gradually looking worse and worse, and living with just awful people, until we allowed him back for showers, then he lost his job as he couldn’t get to work, we helped out but I don’t have much spare money, then he decided to sell drugs and got sent to prison for 8 months. He needed money in prison of course, and continued to call us all the time. When he came out, we took him back in, but he constantly veers on the edge of going back inside, and although he earns money working with equally chaotic builders, he doesn’t manage his money well and it seems hugely unlikely he’ll ever ‘adult’ properly. I’d love nothing more than for him to leave home, but unless I’m prepared to sit back and refuse to do anything whilst the son I adopted rots on the streets - in front of us - all the time begging to come back, then it’s going to be hard for a while yet. How many of you want to see your child on the streets or in and out of jail if you turn your back? I’m saying all this because just cutting an adult child out of your life isn’t so easy or clear cut.

[-]

Krejcinopholous@reddit

This could be my own mother writing this. She has two kids, my self and my older sister. We were raised in the same environment, with the same rules. I am doing well, but my sister struggles with addiction.

My mother has been bailing my sister out for her entire life. She will be 45 this year, and has never stood on here own two feet. She moved to the east coast for graduate school, and this is where she lost control to alcohol. My mother started having to pay her rent on the upper east side of manhattan.

This has continued on since that point. My sister fails, calls mom and says she just needs a little help. This happens month after month, year after year. No end in sure.

My mother knows that she is enabling my sister, but is unable to cut her off. I am of the opinion that she will never hit rock bottom if my mother is always the safety net to catch her, and the cycle continues. I always tell my mother that it is her decision the make, and don’t push the issue.

Just one other thing that you may want to consider. Your kids may be grown, but you are still their mother. They still watch the example that you are setting. They see that their sibling is the focus of your attention, and benefactor or your continued generosity.

My mother is big on being fair to both my sister and myself, but that really isn’t true. My sister’s life consumes my mother, while my life is over looked because I stand on my own two feet. I don’t take it personally as I know my mother’s stance on the situation, but I am cognizant of it as I’m sure your other children are. I don’t want my mothers money, but I don’t want her to be without in her retirement because I’ve my sisters problems.

Just another perspective to consider when making your decision, or something to help you stick to your guns.

He needs professional, mental help more than anything. Otherwise it’s not going to fix the problem.

[-]

True-Sock-5261@reddit

Has he been clinically diagnosed psychologically? If so what was the diagnosis? This type of behavior is indicative of a serious mental health issue like a personality disorder and/or severe ADD, bipolar II, etc.

If not diagnosed that's where I'd start with leverage. You must get psychological assessment and treatment for any more support.

If he refuses you have to stop. It is easier to treat a heroin addict than it is to treat some personality disorders and even clinical psychologists with decades of experience have difficulties.

But this isn't just get your act together stuff. This is some deep seeded psychological stuff going on that needs to be assessed, acknowledged and treated.

But if they refuse that help you have to stop. They will most likely never change and you cannot change them.

Then get therapy for yourself. That's a tough decision to negotiate.

[-]

Iforgotmypwrd@reddit

My former husband was very smart but his bipolar disorder got in the way of keeping jobs.

He was an only child and his parents did fairly well. They bailed him out a lot when he needed money.

When we got engaged he started asking me for money right away. Love is blind and all that so I wound up supporting him for ten years. I finally left, his dad died, and later learned his mom started giving him money again. His mom also got scammed by a romance scammer and lost what was left of her retirement savings to that

My ex husband found out about this and they got into a huge fight. He obviously was pissed not only for her, but he was counting on her nest egg.

He died a couple of weeks later of a heart attack. He was 54 years old.

He was a genuinely kind and loving person, half the time, but the bipolar was really bad. Crazy spending, substance abuse, periodic rage.

I feel so much for his mother, I’m now caring for her. She should be in nice assisted living. Instead she lives on meager SS.

Don’t be her.

[-]

clce@reddit

It's a common turn these days, and sometimes it's overused when really someone's just being uncaring. But I remember when I was a kid when the idea of tough love was getting some credence in the world of talk shows and such.

Maybe the concept wasn't completely new but I think it was kind of new being labeled and talked about. I think the term was even somewhat novel .

Iforgotmypwrd@reddit

Have you tried going to Alanon? Helpful support for family members.its not just for family of alcoholics.

[-]

Gwilym_Ysgarlad@reddit

It is not OK that you have supported him financially so long. He's never going to learn to be an adult if you keep treating him like an adolescent.

[-]

PapaDeE04@reddit

Are there any mental health issues? Something affecting his health? Has he seen a doctor recently, and how open are you to having conversations about his well being? I ask because I'm wondering if you're someone he would talk to if something was really wrong?

Before you cut him off, I'd get honest answers to these questions about him and yourself.

[-]

Reason_Training@reddit

Here is your son’s future if you don’t stop supporting him because your son sounds like my older brother, who will be 50 in 3 months.

I got tired in my 20’s of working 2 jobs while going to school full time to help my mother fund our house including my brother who was trying to find himself. Finally I quit one of my jobs and said my brother can get a job to make up the difference. Mom instead got a second job so her baby boy could finish his whatever technical degree he was going to school for this time (he already had 4) because this time when he finished he was going to get a well paying job and support her instead. I moved out and eventually got my nephew because my brother was fine with sleeping around but not ready to be a dad.

My brother is now married and is a “house husband” meaning he plays video games most of the day while his wife works to support them. Instead of retiring my mother now works a 30 hour a week job at 70 so she can help pay his bills. My nephew moved 6 hours away so he won’t be expected to help his dad out.

Time for your son to grow up and take responsibility for his life. If you keep bailing him out he will be replying on you until you pass away. While we are in a tough economy he needs to figure out how to budget and pay his bills or he needs a hard lesson to figure out his priorities. Yes that means he very well may end up homeless but if he has a choice between working and being frugal but living indoors or wasting his money and being homeless he will figure it out. Give him a deadline and be strict about it if you want to be able to retire at some point.

[-]

Fun_Importance_4250@reddit

Close your eyes and imagine what would happen if you died tomorrow. What would he do? Where would he go? Now start training him to live independently to where you dying tomorrow doesn’t leave him homeless on drugs in a ditch somewhere. Constantly handing over money doesn’t help him, because someday, you really won’t be there to bail him out and he won’t have the skills to survive on his own. Now is the time to help him to learn to be independent. That doesn’t mean cutting him off, that means making him understand money and earning it himself. You want $20? Go mow the lawn, run errands, or some other task like a teenager. Don’t want to contribute? Too bad, no money.

[-]

Sensitive_Young_2087@reddit

I went through this with my daughter. If I or anyone in my family didn’t comply with her demands, agree with her, or give her money, she would cut us off. I refused to back down, but my mother did—desperate to see her great-grandchildren, whom my daughter used as pawns. Because my mother lived closer, she fell for it. But my daughter knew she had burned her bridge with me through her actions and inactions, and there was no going back.

[-]

No_Mathematician7956@reddit

My brother is 43. He and his gf (or whatever she is to him) live with my stepdad. When mom was alive, she used to turn her pockets for him. It clearly enabled him.

If you don't nip this in the bud now, he will continue living at home and taking no responsibility.

[-]

Fickle-Nebula5397@reddit

Is it ok to stop supporting financially

Yes

Soon we were paying everything again, because we didn’t want him homeless and he seemed like he was trying. We paid, when he lost his job again. Over and over we’ve refurnished homes when he’s lost everything.

That’s a sweet deal he’s got with youse

He makes the dumbest decisions with his money

Yours too apparently

spends it on useless things so we were always covering him.

Stop it. Stop covering him.

if I keep giving, he’ll never learn.

You created this monster

Is it ok to stop?

YES

I worry About my finances always having to pay for his when he doesn’t seem to learn.

He’s learned he can do no wrong because you’ll come running to rescue him

Im also afraid he’ll get so far behind it’ll cost me more.

More? It should cost you anything

As another poster suggested. Please looking into al-anon for support. https://al-anon.org/

I would also suggest looking into Co-dependents Anon (CoDa) https://coda.org/

I was the same with my youngest. I eventually had to kick them out after dropping out of high school, doing drugs, not working. They overdosed once, was homeless for a few years, and went to jail for possession.

He is now has a job, in AA, working on his GED, and living on his own. I have set boundaries with him to not give him any money (maybe a store gift-card on his birthday).

There is a way out of the cycle, but it is difficult. Good luck.

[-]

TheHobbyWaitress@reddit

Stop. STOP enabling him to be a loser.

[-]

Eye_Of_Charon@reddit

Short answer: yes. Long answer: also yes. Support is conditional. If he’s not doing his part, he doesn’t deserve your grace.

It’s hard, but stuff like this destroys families. Oftentimes, the difficult choice is the right choice.

[-]

jcradio@reddit

Time for some rough love. Stop it. Stop enabling him. You can love him, but you cannot fix him.

[-]

fosbury@reddit

Yes, you need to cut him off. My friend went through something similar. Her son got into heroin and homelessness, he went to prison for a while and they bailed him out over and over again for years. They had to stop for their own sanity and he ended up straightening his life out. Your son will never become an adult or responsible this way.

[-]

trickstersticks@reddit

I'm 30-something. In many ways it turned out to be a blessing that my parents did not provide an adequate support system for me. I knew I had no choice but to make it work without their help.

You are enabling him and it isn't helping him in the long run. I've been in a similar position as you with my own family members and have learned from experience. They will NEVER change if they're always rescued from the consequences of their actions. They need to be given the chance to sink or swim on their own. This means you have to be willing to watch them sink if it comes to that. Tough but true.

Spend your money on individual therapy for yourself to figure out why you are enabling him. Therapy can help you build the tools and emotional wherewithal to take back control over your own life and pocketbook. Right now, you're being run by an adult manipulator, not a dependent child.

The only financial assistance you should offer this grown man is to pay for him to attend his own therapy.

[-]

Black-Whirlwind@reddit

You HAVE to cut him off, maybe take him to see a financial consultant, or some sort of class about budgeting, but if you keep giving, he’ll keep taking.

[-]

glitteringdreamer@reddit

Not only is it ok....it's a must if you think anything will ever change. It'll be hard AF, but he needs to sort out his own life on his own terms. The safety net is what's kept him where he is.

[-]

Bergenia1@reddit

Not only is it okay to stop, it's imperative that you do. You are enabling him, and it is harmful to him. Your current behavior is hurting your son. He needs to experience the consequences of his choices in order to grow up.

CrankyThunderstorm@reddit

Yes. Cut him off. He'll never learn if he doesn't ever have to face the consequences of his actions.

I have a cousin like this, and he literally took so much money from her that she lost her home. She's elderly so that's even worse.

Please stop covering for him now. You don't want to end up homeless because your son never became a real adult.

He is a legal adult with no severe limitations that restrict him from caring for himself. Let him go. As long as you carry him, he will never learn how to walk. If heaven forbid you pass tomorrow, what would he do? He needs to learn survival skills now.

[-]

Dioscouri@reddit

I have a friend similar to your son. He's a great guy and an outstanding worker. However, as his parents always took care of everything for him, he's completely incapable of handling money. This is to the point that he either lived with one of us or his mom until he was 40. He finally moved out because his mom bought him a house.

I understand what you are doing. Unfortunately, it's teaching your son nothing more than he can do as he pleases and you'll bail him out. Your options are limited at this point. You can either get him a girlfriend/wife who will take over for you, or you can slowly withdraw your support.

The first is unlikely. He's 30-something now and nobody wants to raise a grown man. I'm sure you've seen some of that yourself over the last few years. Due to this, you're going to have to do the second. As much as it bothers you, it's either going to happen with you watching or after you die. But it is going to happen.

My friend, the one whose mom bought him a house, has finally reached the age where he has to be self-reliant. His parents are dead, so they can't fix it anymore. He constantly has issues with utilities, he doesn't pay for them, and I'm positive he's not paying his property taxes and insurance, so it's not sustainable for him. The only thing he has is the house. He's one problem away from losing it. I don't know what that problem will be, but I'd be surprised if he doesn't find it.

[-]

band-of-horses@reddit

As someone facing this down but probably a decade behind of you, I have found the book Failure to Launch by Mark McConville helpful. He really focuses on how kids get stuck in the adolescent stage of development and how parents can work to change the dynamic and treat their children as adults and establish clear boundaries about what is your problem vs what is your adult child's problem.

[-]

SeattleBrad@reddit

Have you never watched Dr Phil?

[-]

Recynd2@reddit

You can love your son without financing his nonsense. Cut him off yesterday.

[-]

bobbichocolatthe2nd@reddit

Your son likley needs counseling to help him move along in life. He may have some youthful trauma he has never confronted or dealt with and this is his way of dealing with it

My parents had to do that with my older sister. She was in debt up to her neck twice before the age of 22, and they bailed her out. Third time, they refused and she had to file for bankruptcy and live with the credit consequences until it fell off her record.

I'm not going to say she didn't mess up after that, but not to that degree again. She did need their help when she got pregnant and the father wanted nothing to do with it, but that was different because 1) baby, and 2) she was actively doing everything she could to not need their help, so it was easier for them to give it that time.

So you have to decide at what point is he your "baby boy" and when is he going to be the man he should be already. It's time to push him out of the nest and let him learn to fly. You've more than done your part.

[-]

I was always taught family takes care of family.

This is why I’m looking for reassurance that stopping is ok.

[-]

Electrical_Feature12@reddit

I help manage financial estates for clients of all walks of life. I’m privy to many situations similar to this.

1) If you are truly wealthy and can afford this, I’d wean him off momma and daddy. Either do it or commit to the long haul.

2) if you have other children, imagine how they feel when nothing is left as you pass on, because this sibling drained mom and dad his whole life. It’s a future legacy of big trouble for the family

3) keep in mind that even if you have the assets for this today, healthcare expenses (as in long term care and home health care) without exaggeration runs $50/60k a year today. Inflation will almost double this over the next 20 years. It is the number one cause for bankruptcy among the retired. What will the surviving spouse live on if this is required?

It’s likely time to take care of yourself. This child will not pay your bills in older age. “Being there for family” logically and mathematically has its limits.

I wish you and your family the best

[-]

Minimum-Engineer-830@reddit

I was 19 almost 20 when I got a DUI. My father got me a lawyer and took care of it. After my court appearance, I had just turned 20 living in a big city. He pulled 2 $100 bills out of his wallet and gave them to me. He told me no matter what, I can never come home. You need to figure it out. And I did.

I’m not saying it should be the same, but I was exactly the same, got a car from them, they sent me money all the time. And I floated. Didn’t really care. I got my shit together. Got a job insecure industry and made decent money way living in a big city. Went back to school a couple years later and got into engineering.

The question you have to ask is, when are you ready to pull out the $200 tell them to figure it out?

[-]

tmwilson524@reddit

As a woman in her 50s who was lucky enough to have parents who helped me when I needed it, multiple times in my late teens to mid 30s. My parents sat me down at 32 and said, "If you move out again, you can not come back here to live. We will help you for 6 months once you leave and then you're welcome to come for dinner and do laundry, but that's all."

It was the best thing they could have done and it made me grow up fast and start acting like I had some sense in my head. I moved out about 6 months later and 20ish years later, I have a beautiful home and an amazing husband I never thought I'd have . I know that as a GenXer, we're more independent naturally than the younger generations, but it worked for me. Maybe it will work for him.

Hell never grow up if you keep allowing him not too.

It's your house and he's 30. Did he ever play and excel at team sports? or anything physical or team-based?

If not, he's likely missing some understanding of work, discipline and teamwork.

I've heard of this program: The Army's Future Soldier Preparatory Course (FSPC) which is like a bootcamp before entering the army to get you prepped-up for the military if you are not ready.

I saw this reddit discussing the ability to leave the program before entering the army, so I don't think you are obliged to join the army until you complete. But not sure...
https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/16c4ynr/future_soldier_preparatory_course/

They have two tracks:

Academic Track: For recruits with ASVAB scores between 21-30, this track provides up to 90 days of training to improve test scores.
Fitness Track: For recruits who need to reduce body fat, this track helps them meet the physical requirements.

Personally, I'd tell him, "If you complete this, I'll support you when you come back"... or, "your done, no more crutch.".

Depending on how well he does in academics, etc., he should be able to go into an army role with vocational skills, and of course, discipline. I think this can be evaluated after the 90 day 'pre-boot camp'. But this is the big bingo to check.

Personally, I think they need to expand this for our growing batch of failure to launch boys. It's a huge problem for the kids, and our society. I think there should be non-military options that are lead military style. For example, putting in roads or other infrastructure into national parks or blm land, where it's not practical to use large machinery. these kids need hard work, a team, and rigor.

At thirty, the two paths between people doing the right thing and kids, family, and those on the wrong path becomes more separate, and it only get's worse.

[-]

bmyst70@reddit

Yes. He keeps making bad decisions. Until he has consequences for those decisions, he won't ever learn.

You have to draw the line and hold it. You’re underestimating his ability to take care of himself. You’ll be amazed at what he can accomplish when he has no other choice. First he’ll try crying and guilting because he doesn’t want to change. Then when he has no other choice, he’ll become very resourceful.

As for the grandchildren. I get it. I have mine living at my house while they live in hotel and search for an apartment.

[-]

MasterClown@reddit

if I keep giving, he’ll never learn.

You have the answer right there.

I have a niece also in her early thirties who just can’t get moving with her life. My sister has tried many times to help her but things always come to a head.

The latest blow up is where I think my sister finally said Enough is enough. She’s hurting inside ( as is my niece) but it’s clear things weren’t going to change unless she made a change.

My parents had to do this with my older brother. He was in his early twenties, and had no place to go. My mom told him no; he couldn’t come home. It broke her heart, but it was necessary. My brother was a stubborn one, and it took several years in prison to make him more…responsible? My parents did help him get settled when he got out. They have a good relationship now. They just came home from visiting him for his birthday.

I’m sorry you’re going through this with your son; it’s so hard on the whole family. But, as painful as it is to watch, our kids have to be able to suffer the full impact of their choices, especially as adults. It’s the only way most of us will learn.

[-]

saggyballsjames@reddit

I quit drinking and drugging 15 years ago… they call this taking away their bottom line… ie hitting rock bottom… it’s easy to keep up the shenanigans when you never have to hit it very hard

[-]

Magerimoje@reddit

Im also afraid he’ll get so far behind it’ll cost me more.

No. It'll cost him more.

He'll never stand on his own 2 feet if he always knows you're available to back him up. If he ends up owing so much that he needs to declare bankruptcy, so be it. He's an adult, and it's time to treat him like one.

[-]

RickHunter84@reddit

He's a man boy, tell him all the times youve bailed him out and that he needs to figure out how to budget, plan, and how to spend that money. You can no longer afford this and this is hurting your ability to retire. You can offer him how to budget his money, how to save, and how to plan for the future but tell him frankly that you are out of money to spend on him.

[-]

electromouse1@reddit

My "little sister" is 48 and still like this. I just found out my parents paid off her mortgage because she quit her job that "wasnt fun." And they promised me that they would work out a repayment plan after they die for her to repay the value of the mortgage to me. No, forget that noise. She owes me nothing. But it will be an incredibly rough awakening for her when I dont help her with jack shit.

It’s so hard, because we all want to take care of our kids. But it seems like your son is merely looking for the easiest way out. You can’t burn yourself to the ground to keep him warm. Maybe something like you’ll match his funds, what HE creates/earns. And with the prior drug history I would only make payments directly (I.e. order groceries he can pick up, pay landlord directly). But if he keeps showing so little effort, maybe you just need to buy him a good tent.

Our son will be with us forever because medically he cannot work, but he desperately wishes he could be independent.

Stay strong mama and protect your money and your peace FIRST. 💜

[-]

dae_giovanni@reddit

your baby bird will never learn to fly if you don't push him out of the nest, you know?

One of the hardest things I said to my adult child when they presented me with yet another financial-related issue was, "Oh, that sucks. I hope you can figure a way through it."

And they did. And they have ever since. I recall many decades ago "needing" $500 to do something and my dad said, "If you want it bad enough, you'll figure it out." My mom sent me the money anyway. I sent her the check back and I figured it out. Because he was right.

[-]

exitparadise@reddit

It just won't ever get better. If he hasn't learned by 30something he might not ever learn.

But I can speak from experince that if you keep supporting him he absolutely will keep using you. I have a 50something sibling who lives with my mother, can't keep a job, has felonies so really can't work many jobs, has 4 kids and is only in touch with and has ever cared for 1 of them. They will likely live with my mother forever and when she dies, I will be the one to have to deal with it because my mother never could cut him off.

Does your child have siblings? Because if you keep doing what you're doing, then, in the long run, you are just punting responsibility off to them and that's really not cool.

[-]

MonitorOfChaos@reddit

Your son is what you’ve raised him to be. A financially irresponsible entitled loser.

Assuaging your own guilt and anxiety by continually bailing him out instead of making him develop his own resources has created a life that is tolerable for him and obviously tolerable for you since you keep doing it.

If you now find it intolerable, as most people would, stop giving him money. You aren’t helping him, but are actively harming him.

It’s time you were as concerned about your own life as you have been for his.

Yeah tell me about it. Both sisters are so used to giving the BIL whatever he wants, they actually were going to agree to SELL him their inheritance portion (The Dad's house is prolly worth $700k) for $80k each. So like...35 cents on the dollar. Just because he wanted it. Had to put my foot down on that one.

I think that you may have been enabling him this entire time. Sometimes, the little ones need to be pushed out of the nest for their own sake. He may need to figure it out for himself. I know I did…

Cheers

[-]

Admirable-Nothing642@reddit

My parents cut me off by selling the house & moving 4 hours out of the city when I was 20 or 21, so I had to figure my shit out as inwasnt willing to move to some super small rural town... they lent me $1000 years later when work was scarce for a bit, for a few bills, but that was all I got. If I had my way I woulda stayed at home and not worked as long as possible haha

[-]

FinancialEcho7915@reddit

Bailing him out has become a pattern. Your responsibility as a parent to break this pattern of bad behavior.

That might be very difficult for you to do given that he is your child …

Cut him off.

[-]

ProfessionalSilver52@reddit

He's in his 30's, can't you just love him for who he is instead of criticizing what he's not?

[-]

Agile_Exercise_363@reddit

I was your son once and honestly if you don't stop now he will get worse and possibly die from the drugs. My mom and dad cut me off cold turkey and I had to figure it out on my own and today I'm 6 years sober have a great job and I take care of myself financially.

[-]

octobahn@reddit

Though I am not in this position yet, I see potential hints of it and it's a constant point of anxiety. I would like to think I'll be able to let them go when it gets to a boiling point and after multiple attempts to 'help' them, but that's easier say-than-done.

I'd definitely draw the line at some point when it put us (parents) in a precarious position not just mentally, but also financially. Some people either can't be helped or have to learn things the hard way. Seems your kid might be the former TBH.

mrpotatonutz@reddit

Helping him financially isn’t helping it’s enabling him to continue. Once you accept that you are actually hurting him by doing this you will be able to move forward. Just tell him it’s over, this will be hard as he is no doubt capable of pushing all the guilt buttons and manipulating you but you must resist or you will kill him

[-]

kalelopaka@reddit

Yes it is okay to stop. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they learn to do anything to help themselves. My daughter was in that situation and we tried helping her and she would get her act together. Then she would slip back into her dependence on us. I eventually had to shut it down despite her mother’s want to help her.

She stumbled and fell but then picked herself up again. She was angry with me for a few years but I never let her or her kids go hungry or without clothes on the children. But she finally learned something I think a lot of young adults don’t understand. You don’t start out with everything you want, it takes time and effort, patience and practicality.

[-]

Born-Finish2461@reddit

What will happen if you and your husband die, and your son is 60 and he never learned to take care of himself?

[-]

Small_Concert_865@reddit

Do one more time then cut the ties if he messes again. I kicked mine out at 19. Took him 3 days to realize he was a fool.

[-]

ParadiddlediddleSaaS@reddit

Personally, I’d ask them to put together a written plan of how they are going to be self-supporting and give it to you for discussion as a good starting point.

If they are unwilling to do even that, I’d cut them off financially and when there’s the usual button pushing I’m guessing (just this time, don’t you love me, I’ll pay you back) or whatever, just kick it back to them to please write out something and you guys can go from there.

You are not giving up but you are putting the accountability on his shoulders as it should be.

[-]

Corpuscular_Ocelot@reddit

You have given him WAY too much? Why are you re-furnishing homes for him? Why would you ever do that?

Substance abuse therapist here- what you are doing is enabling him to continue making the decisions he is making and to continue the life/style he is living. If you don't agree with the decisions he is making don't support the decisions. That also means, don't fund the decisions. Someone his age and his ability should be self sufficient and it sounds like that is the expectation you have for him. You are also trying to control him and his outcomes. That is codependent behavior. Also, not healthy. By doing this you are actually disempowering him in his life. Some people need to experience the consequences of their decisions to change. Clearly - to me- he is that type of person. The healthiest decision you could make for him and yourself is to cut him off as far as anything that allows him to continue to stay living this lifestyle. Not saying cut him off relationally but that might need to be adjusted as well. Feel free to contact me if you want to discuss further. Helping the family helps the person.

[-]

cherrishedteddy@reddit

Stop. And commit to him being an adult. You are not financially responsible. Let him figure it out or he never ever will and you will continue this cycle. It’s called tough love for a reason

[-]

spanishquiddler@reddit

You already know the answer. Your relationship isn't one of reciprocity. It's devastating to realize that your adult child is using you. When you withhold the financial support, he has the choice to maintain a relationship with you and treat you with love and respect. This would be the best possible outcome! But most likely you fear that no financial support = no connection at all.

[-]

tigers692@reddit

My son is 30, in the navy and has been for ten years. When he was 15 he started leaving brochures of exotic cars hinting he wanted one. So I promised to buy for him, the exact same car my Dad bought me. He was excited, until my wife explained that I lived on my own at 16 until I got married. :-) He and his sisters are independent and doing well.

Anything after 18 isn’t mandatory, so that’s up to you. From what you posted, this doesn’t feel like empowering, but instead it feels like you are being taken advantage of.

[-]

rockpaperscissors67@reddit

I know it's so hard to let them fail, but you have to. You're not alone in dealing with this.

My oldest is in his mid 30s and has always seemed to want to take the easy way out. I made him move out at 18 because he didn't want to go to college or in the service or pay a reasonable rent to stay at home. He's had times through the years where I saw some responsibility, but it's like he can't stick with it for long.

I have always been willing to support him emotionally, but I limit my financial support. At some point, he has to decide he wants better for himself. He has a child, too, so I've been really struggling with his latest crisis; apparently he's homeless after not being able to pay rent. His wife left and moved in with friends.

I've tried to encourage him through the years, but it's exhausting when he's determined to do things his way, even if I can see that he's mistaken.

[-]

mdhkc@reddit

It's not just OK, it's necessary if you want him to have any hope of being a successful human being. You won't live forever and neither will any of us. If you want him to be OK even after you're gone, you need to start him down that road now.

If you're experiencing anxiety about his behavior and life, you might want to see a therapist yourself about that. Having that kind of support for you as you work through this change over the months and years as he hopefully gets his footing will be important, I believe.

[-]

Sam_N_Emmy@reddit

He needs to learn to be responsible for himself. There are places that teach financial literacy and responsibility. If you don’t do something to cut him off, he’s going to keep running to you for help. Have an intervention over finances.

[-]

Long-Ad9651@reddit

There is a rather large difference between supporting and enabling. Maybe look at it this way: if you continue this, YOU could very well be the one who ends up homeless.

[-]

ElizaJaneVegas@reddit

He'll grow up when he has to ...

[-]

Cryptocenturion2@reddit

I'm not sure what to say about some of the comments here. My parents completely cut me off and disowned me at 16 because I was smoking cannabis. While on the other hand doing everything and giving endless support to my siblings.

I was the bad child they needed/wanted rid of. Unfortunately it led to a very fractured relationship with them and I still resent them to this day.

Their idea of discipline was to beat their children. Me more so then my siblings. Cannabis helped me deal with the pain of having cold unloving parents. The idea that they would pay my rent or support me in anyway is completely alien to me.

I never asked them for anything even when I was in the darkest of places, i simply wouldn't give them the satisfaction of saying no. Imo tough love can backfire horribly, that being said I don't believe in enabling people forever either.

[-]

BigFitMama@reddit

I give you permission to do what is best for your mental health. Substance abuse is not something you can cure with unconditional love and acceptance or enabling continued behaviors with no goal of recovery.

Offer recovery though as a gateway to restoring your relationship. This is usually offered in interventions.

Tap out to a crisis counselor or crisis/law enforcement team if you need to do an intervention and eviction. It's ok.

You are not the wheel. You do not deserve abuse. Make that space for yourself now.

[-]

kegido@reddit

time to stop the gravy train. your son needs to understand the consequences of his actions. Feed him if he is hungry, if he doesn’t pay his rent, point him to the nearest shelter.

[-]

Paige_Ann01@reddit

Stop. You know it that’s why you are asking in her to validate it. Stop

[-]

If you can swing it financially, I'd sell the home and move away, without him. Give your son 60 days notice to find other living arrangements.

[-]

FelixTook@reddit

There is a difference between things like: making a mistake, or having unexpected bad luck, or being betrayed by someone trusted and : just being consistently irresponsible.

Helping someone get through the first type of issue is great, helping someone with the second is treating the symptom not the problem.

By age 30 he should know how to budget, save, do basic adulting. At this point, it’s a lifestyle choice if he doesn’t. Certainly sounds like he’s had plenty of motivation and opportunities from failures to learn.

One thing I’ve always kept in mind for myself and others is “don’t expect someone else to care more about your life than you do”.

Help with advice, connect him to resources, but if it was me: no more financial help. Time for him to start caring about his life.

[-]

jblaxtn@reddit

My sister was never a "problem child" like this, but she has made bad decision after bad decision since she was about 14. She's 49 now and my mother is still constantly bailing her out financially because she is now so firmly entrenched in her poor decision making that she cannot possibly recover. I told my mother recently that she has to cut the court. Mom has her own bills to pay and lives on a comfortable but fixed income. These kinds of people will just bleed you dry if you let them. They are your children, yes, but they are also now adults. At some point, you reap what you sew.

[-]

DevinBoo73@reddit

What’s he going to do when you and your spouse are gone? Sometimes you just have to let them go.

My husband paid to get his daughter out of jail for the DUI she got. I told him he’s not helping her learn. I’ve been there.

[-]

MiriMidd@reddit

You have to take care of yourself. Let’s be real, we aren’t getting any younger. We have fewer earning years left.

Draw a line and hold it.

That all said, one of my close friends had an adult kid who sounds a lot like your kid. They paid for therapy and various testing and he had some pretty undiagnosed ADHD and a host of other mental health problems. Therapy and medication have helped significantly HOWEVER it’s not perfect.

If you want to and feel the need to continue to help your child, try to see if there’s something going on underneath.

[-]

no_car1799@reddit

As a mom it’s hard. I have a brother drug addict for years. My mom ALWAYS help him. She passed a few years ago and he knew that we were not going to help him like our mom. Well, he is sober now. We might be lucky but sometimes helping hurts more than helps. But as a mom it’s so hard to say no. Because we always think what if “something” happens to them. Sorry you are in that mess.

[-]

100dalmations@reddit

Set up a schedule to reduce your subsidies to him? Does he need therapy?

[-]

pchandler45@reddit

You should have stopped a long time ago.

[-]

ArtisticDegree3915@reddit

Kind of tough to admit that I was one of these less the drugs.

I'm going to tell you that the best thing for him is to cut him loose. Tell him you can meet for coffee. You can spend time together. But there will be no more money ever.

I don't know if this is great advice. Dr Phil has dealt with various shows of adults financially supporting their adult offspring. And one of the things he's done is said give them a month. If they're living at home he says go give them a month or 3 months rent or whatever. Set them up in an apartment. But tell them that's it. In the case of your son I might say that's maybe a month rent. Maybe a month rent plus a month worth of bills if you want to. Writing this check and tell him that's it. Not a penny more. Don't come ask the answer will always be no. It's time to think or swim.

That's really his only chance of growing into the person he can become.

I might suggest the Steve Carell movie Beautiful Boy. It's based on a book which is a true accounting from a parent. I haven't read the book. I've only seen the movie. But I would check one or both of those out.

[-]

geodebug@reddit

I’d stop yesterday because enabling him isn’t making him any more self sufficient.

Some people are just wired where they can’t think things through so every life lesson needs to be learned the hard way.

Unless you’re rich, you’re only screwing yourself out of retirement funds.

[-]

bae125@reddit

30? You’ve rewarded his behavior.

[-]

TeaWithKermit@reddit

If it helps, my mom has the 55 year old version of your son and it’s never gotten any better. Your son isn’t going to magically decide to get his shit together one day. Read up about codependency and make a plan for how you want to move forward. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It could look like you setting aside a savings account with x amount of money in it that is earmarked for him (without letting him know). When he hits you up, that’s it, that’s what you have to spend, and it’s not going to tank your own financial picture because it’s been sitting in a different account and you haven’t considered it yours. Please note that you do not have to do this, it’s just an option that falls between cutting him off or giving him everything that he wants.

Another option is lying to him about your own financial picture and telling him that your hours were reduced at work, you just had a huge expensive house repair that has put you deep in debt for years, etc. and that moving forward you don’t have even a penny to keep helping him. No matter what you do, don’t ever give him a copy of your credit card “for emergencies.” Trust me on that.

[-]

invisiblemeows@reddit

Mine did too. She depended on her parents until they passed away, then she decided she was her children’s responsibility. Some people literally never grow up. (Or as you put it, get their shit together, which is much more accurate!)

[-]

Big_Azz_Jazz@reddit

My buddy is the same way. His mom drained man after man and when her looks faded she tried it on him. He left the state

2) Keep supporting him....and his problem is now your problem.

It can be said that you may have greatly contributed to his problem. So, if you are possibly partly responsible for the problem, you can also fix it.

Cut him off.

[-]

WarpedCore@reddit

You cannot pick your family. Some family members either don't get it, or use the people closest to them. Sounds like he is doing both.

As painful as it is to continue to watch this play out, it's the same ending over and over. Stop being the enabler and become the enforcer. Or, time to move on in your life. He's going to have to hit rock bottom and dig himself out. 30 years old? Grow up time.

[-]

polkadot_polarbear@reddit

My mom coddled my brother. She never let him fail at anything and always bailed him out. He’s incredibly smart and also incredibly lazy. All I’ve ever heard from her was ‘poor brother, he just has it so hard’ Guess how his life turned out? He is a 53 year old man living in her extra bedroom. He’s hasn’t had a job in 20+ years and never will work again. He doesn’t know how to be an independent adult. And it’s all her fault, but she can’t see that.

[-]

airbrat@reddit

Time to rip that bandaid!

[-]

Responsible_Sun_3597@reddit

You have to be the mom you don’t wanna be to get the kid you want.

Give him warning that money is coming to an end so that he can prepare and not blame his failure on you.

Pay one month’s rent if you can and get one load of groceries and tell him he’s on his own because you love him.

[-]

unadulterated_id@reddit

Aren’t you GenX? In my house (both as a child and as an adult) 18 is it, time to figure your own shit out.

[-]

Bunnawhat13@reddit

He makes the dumbest decisions with his money, spends it on useless things so we were always covering him.

Thanks, I need to do this!

Can I ask, you say this because this is the ight thing, they need to figure this out, but does it hurt at all? I need to get over the hurt.

[-]

Round-Western-8529@reddit

For me, I don’t want to be the enabler of bad behaviors- which it seems to quickly spiral into.

[-]

I know it's hard, but if you want him to make changes in his life, then you must stop enabling his current lifestyle. I was that son, once upon a time, and i manipulated my mother into enabling me. It took prison to whip me into reality. There's probably less than a 1% chance that he will straighten up if you continue to bail him out.

[-]

moccasins_hockey_fan@reddit

Yes.

Nobody has an right to live off the sweat of your labor. That makes you their slave.

[-]

AnotherBaldWhiteDude@reddit

The best thing my dad did for me was kick me the fuck out after I got off heroin at 24. I was mad af at him for a while after, but it forced me to get off my ass

[-]

KtinaDoc@reddit

Where did you go? What did you do for shelter? Food? Transportation? How do you get a job if you don't have an address?

[-]

AnotherBaldWhiteDude@reddit

Moved in with a girlfriend and her family. Stashed all my money and moved back into my own place within about 6 months. Got food stamps and general assistance from the state for 6 months after I moved into the apartment. Haven't looked back. Been in the same industry for over a decade and bought a house 4 years ago.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

I always wish This would be the same for him. He was cut off until he could get it right. And he is much improved, just not where he should be.

thanks

[-]

deignguy1989@reddit

rjtnrva@reddit

You need to actually let him become homeless. He has never truly hit bottom (yes, even having been in jail) because you all keep bailing him out. Time for the proverbial tough love.

[-]

jedisix@reddit

I was not the greatest son to my parents. My two older siblings were the straight flyers, I was the black sheep. Issues with drugs, booze, lack of discipline and so on. My parents helped me out, from time to time, with rent, food, insurance, etc. I am a very smart person (I have a Bachelors in Applied Physics), but I wasn't a very smart son. When I was 28, I had a fair amount of student debt, was using drugs, drinking excessively and, as a result, I got evicted. At that point my parents decided that they had enough. They wouldn't let me move back home, nor would they pay for a new apartment. They also told my siblings to stop helping. They wouldn't even co-sign a loan for me. I felt disowned. I lived in an abandoned boat under a bridge for months (in Canadian winter). Somehow, though, I managed to scrape together to get my daily fix of drugs. I looked for work, but no-one was willing to hire someone without a phone number or a fixed address. It probably didn't help that I only showered once a week at the most. I finally hit rock bottom and had to clean myself up. I learned more about discipline, expectation, self worth, finances, hygiene and so much more in three months than in the 28 years prior. Within six months I was back on my feet and had a place. Within two years, I was stable, owned a car, was working with a decent salary. None of that would have happened if they didn't make it happen by giving up on me. It took a few years but our relationship started to heal. I finally figured out that they put in more than that to give the three of us a stable life. The amount of sacrifice they endured to give us the live we had was ten fold that of the life that I had to carve out for myself. I'm not saying that will work for everyone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is give up. You've established a pattern of giving in, and he's milking you for it. Maybe, it's time to stop giving in and just give up. I know now that it was just as hard for them to give up, maybe harder, as it was to live through the hell of homelessness, starvation and self imposed depravity. My father passed away some years ago, but before he did, we had mended our relationship. Today, my mother and I have the best relationship we've ever experienced with each other. She has told me that out of her three children, she is most proud of me because of the road I have traveled, both there and back. Never give up on believing in your son. Love him the best you can. But continuously helping him is only hurting his growth and holding him back from discovering his full potential. He has done this to himself. You have done everything you can. It's up to him, not you.

[-]

Thank you, I know I have too and just need to hear it from someone else.

[-]

Totally_Scott@reddit

It’s incredibly hard. I remember my son saying he just needed to borrow $100 and he’d be good. Because he could only see like 2 seconds in either direction. The easiest thing in the world was giving him 100 bucks here and there, and the absolute hardest thing was saying no. It made him mad, it made me feel shitty. But it was the right thing to do in the moment. Hopefully in time he sees that.

[-]

somekindofhat@reddit

Have you considered AlAnon? There are lots of people like you who have people in their lives who keep them codependent. Not just relatives of alcoholics, although that's where it started.

If you need a support group, start there.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

I hadn’t before, but thanks!

[-]

Common_Poetry3018@reddit

This. What you are describing, OP, is codependency, not help.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Thank you

[-]

flhrc@reddit

The hardest thing I have ever had to do as a parent is watch my grown child fail - over and over. Unless and until he learns that HIS choices determine where he is in life, he will never stop making the same "stupid" choices. Tough love is NOT easy, but I see how my son is today, because he's been forced to learn to make better choices - to make himself better. No one can do that for him. You can't want it, you can coach it, but you can't make him. He has to do that.

In my opinion, the sooner you "cut him off" the better - for both of you. You're a parent, and you love your kid, and you're going to worry. You're going to want the best things for him in life, but you can't earn those things for him.

Another perspective of this is the mental toll YOU allow this to take on you. You raised your son in the best way you could, I'm sure. You've planted the seeds, not it's time for him to water and foster them. That's no longer your job.

[-]

You've done your duty and more. Time to cut that umbilical cord once and for all, for your sake and his.

[-]

suckmytitzbitch@reddit

Ok??? Seems vital! Necessary! For you AND for him.

[-]

aenflex@reddit

Mental disorders like ADHD and bipolar? Allowed to run rampant as a teen? Tough call. If you’re supporting him now out of guilt for previous parenting mistakes, that’s something you need to reconcile with.

[-]

EnthusiasmRecent227@reddit

It's ok to stop paying his way. Give him a list of support services. Call United Way, they can give you places to contact for help with rent & utilities, food banks, etc. Don't give him money, show him resources, & let him navigate his way through.

[-]

ted_anderson@reddit

You're going to have to cut him off completely. But it will have to start with a conversation that goes something like this:

"Son, right now you're in a very vulnerable and dangerous position where if anything were to happen me and your father, you have no way of surviving or being able to take care of yourself. So today we're going to act like that has happened. What's your next move? What will you do?"

This is a good way of starting the conversation because at this point you're still around to offer him guidance, advice, wisdom, instruction, etc. but NO MORE MONEY. You and your husband can teach him how to get a job and KEEP a job and how to get promoted on that job. But from this point forward he's on his own.

And then I'd end the conversation with something along the lines of:

"I also recognize that it's not completely your fault so here's $500 to get you started on your new life, whatever you choose to make of it. Use the money to relocate to another city/country, join the military, join the peace corps, or learn a trade. If you blow this money on drugs, women, booze or gambling, that's it. There will be no more handouts from this point forward."

And this isn't the complete solution to the problem but at least it gets things started. And you MUST stand your ground. He might have to live in a shelter or on the street for a little while but he will still have his parents to talk to. If you cut him any slack you're just going to undo everything to get him going and it will be much harder to get him started up again.

Now is the time to rip the band-aid off and let him figure out where he's going in life. He's been rescued too many times to care about himself (except for whatever selfish desires he has) and he's going to need a harsh reality check in order to change his mindset.

And you gotta do it because it will only get worse. My nephew is very similar to how you described your son and not only does he live off of his mother's money, he's become very nasty and rude to other members of the extended family. He's makes lewd and nasty remarks to some of the women in the family and he sends out threatening text messages to some of the younger cousins. Yet his mother and grandmother think all of that is "cute" and they dismiss it saying that everyone is just over-sensitive and he's just "expressing himself" in his own way.

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Thanks so much!

[-]

Competitive-Cow-4522@reddit

Shit this entire convo has convinced me that I need a therapist for my own inability to draw and keep healthy boundaries 🫤

[-]

comp21@reddit

We only grow in conflict, turmoil and struggle. While i worry it's a bit late to change course now (as in: will he step up now? After all these years of having no consequences to his actions?), at the same time if you don't change anything he definitely will not grow up.

Your only option, if you really care about him and his future, is to let him fail. The alternative is guaranteed ruin. Failing gives him a possibility of growth.

[-]

WUSSIEBOY@reddit

Gen X here. And I was a similar type of son. You know what fixed it. You guessed it. They cut me off. I had minimal help but there was a time I had to live on couches and without heat and electricity. But nere I am now taking care of my business.

[-]

InternalGreenGlitter@reddit

Please check out alanon. It really helps with lovingly establishing boundaries and dealing with your own anxiety and fears about letting go. 💕

I feel you. Our oldest would lazily look for a job and then kill around on the couch, play video games - 25 at the time, I think. Finally told him he’d have to start paying us rent if he didn’t find his own place to live in the next few months. Lo & behold he found work and moved out. Our youngest (28) can’t seem to get his life together right now. Lost some work because he’s not always reliable. Owes us $$$, but he IS good about paying us what he owes.

Our kids bank accounts used to be “attached” to ours and it would drive my husband crazy when they would get low on cash. Then he’d transfer $ to their accounts and then get mad at them for what HE did! I told him to stop doing it. His argument was they’d bounce checks, etc. My response was “Good, maybe they’ll learn from that.”

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to force someone to make a change.

[-]

Responsible-Test8855@reddit

It won't cost you more! You are not responsible for his finances unless you inherit his estate (which doesn't exist) upon his death.

He can only walk all over you if you lay down and let him do it. You need to save for your future now.

[-]

Additional_Hunt_9065@reddit

I think you have done enough. He’s an adult and needs to take charge of his life. He can’t do that if you keep bailing him out. Time for some tough love. If he fails then that’s on him not you.

[-]

ConstructionThin8695@reddit

My aunt is living this. Her son has spent years in and out of jail for basically being stupid. She has paid his lawyer fees. She always lets him live with her. She lets him drive her car. She's stuck with a man-child who never gets his act together because mommy always fixes things. Now she's raising his special needs son. It's never-ending. Once she's gone, he probably will be homeless because he's drained her savings, and no one else on the family wants anything to do with him. I've told my kids multiple times to not even think of pulling that on me. If they decide to break the law, they better make sure the juice is worth the squeeze because I won't bail them out. It's long past time for you to have that same conversation. He will absolutely push your buttons. He'll try guilt. He'll try anger. He'll freeze you out. He'll do whatever he thinks will manipulate you into helping him. Try roll playing with someone to practice saying no in these scenarios. Hold firm. Even if he does go through hardship. Because like my family, no one will help him out when your gone.

[-]

Illustrious-Pea-7105@reddit

Why would he ever learn anything about money when you enabled him not to? Helicopter parents, beware, this is your future.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Wooo, I have NEVER been a helicopter parent.

I cut Him out in the past made him pay for his wrong doings.

I also here, that family doesn't throw away family, and just came to find reassurance that stopping is the right thing.

[-]

snarffle-@reddit

It’s a tough one. You should cut him off. But most times having the confrontation when saying “no” is waaay worse than just giving him the cash.

But yeah, cut him off. Be strong. He doesn’t care if he bankrupts you.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Thanks

[-]

snarffle-@reddit

He could have ADHD. Sorting that out could help with his impulsivity.

[-]

My husband totally cut his daughter off in her 20’s for the exact same reason. She’s selfish and lazy and can’t stay employed to save her own life. He got tired of being used by her for her to just throw it back in his face and for her to lose everything he gave her over and over again.

Shes 30 now, still living the way she always has, she just found another sucker to take advantage of. But at least it’s not my husband anymore.

grateful_john@reddit

My brother-in-law is heading down this path, although his issue is mental illness, not drugs. His wife kicked him out three years ago, he moved back in with my in-laws. He had been a stay at home dad for ~15 years during which time his mental health declined. His wife gave him limited access to money, only giving him money to buy food for the house, etc.

He has no concept of working, he has a 15 hour a week job packing bags for people who order online from a super market. He’s given his parents zero money to cover his living expenses (he doesn’t even buy gas for the car he gave him to use). He leaves messes everywhere, he takes whatever he wants and he yells at them for being shitty parents.

They are in the mid 80s. He’s going to get a few hundred thousand out of the divorce settlement. When they pass away (realistically in the next 5-10 years max) he will be on the street. My wife and I are not taking him in, her other brothers are not taking him in. The best thing his parents could do for him is help him find an apartment close by and start teaching him how to live independently, they won’t because poor Tommy has had a rough time and needs their help.

It won’t end well. We will probably have to evict him from the house eventually.

[-]

LifeOutLoud107@reddit

Yes. There is support that helps launch to thrive, and there is support that enables repeatedly poor choices.

ProfessionalFlow8030@reddit

He’s 30. You’ve done your suty. Cut the apron strings. Live your life free of guilt.

Love him from afar, but let him be a fuck up. That’s on him.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Thanks

[-]

JoshInWv@reddit

OP, please read this with tenderness and love....

You are part of the reason your kid has 'failure to launch' syndrome. You keep picking up the slack when he fucks up. Paying his court costs, bailing him out, etc. Take a good, hard look in the mirror, and add up the total cost of his bullshit you've had to pay for. I bet seeing that final cost is gonna make you sick when you realize that you could have done x,y, or z with that money.

He KNOWS that mom and dad will always bail him out, you've shown him that, so there's no fear of the consequences. Believe me, the consequences of punching some dumb ass in the face is what keeps me feom NOT doing it.

He's never going to learn bad decisions have consequences if you keep bailing him out. No parent wants to see their kid get drug through the suck, BUT IT HAS TO HAPPEN. It's part of growing up and making them functioning members of society.

He's 30. It was time for this 15 years ago.

Tough love works when it's applied with care and caution.

[-]

emccm@reddit

What you are describing is called “enabling”. I strongly encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in Codependency. Ideally the whole family would go. Don’t worry about your son. Start worrying about what it is that has found this acceptable for so long. What is it in you that has led to you both being in this situation. I used to be like you. Then I went to therapy. I leaned that a lot of the behaviors I thought made me a good person were maladaptive and toxic coping mechanisms. It’s never too late to start living the life you were always supposed to.

[-]

just1here@reddit

OP, please take all the tough recommendations here and also get yourself to therapy or Al-Anon or somewhere to help you heal from this pain and also toughen up. Your son’s life may depend on you not enabling him.

[-]

BabyFaceFinster1266@reddit

You are taking years off your own life. Heal yourself by not enabling.

Yes. Not only is it OK, it's the right thing to do for both of you. I wouldn't even pay his landlord or the grocery store directly. He is an adult. It's time for him to act like one.

He will never get his act together if he knows he can manipulate you to fund his life and shield him from the results of his bad decisions. He has no incentive to become responsible and make better decisions if he knows he can always get money from you.

You cannot go on indefinitely draining your finances to support him, and you are headed for your own financial disaster.

For both your sakes, you have to cut him off. He will be upset and say horrible things to you. You have to be prepared and stay strong because it's the right thing to do. He will either rise to occasion because he has to, or he choose to continue to be irresponsible and face the consequences.

If he is in financial difficulty it is time for him to rely on the help of government services or charitable organizations that specialize in working with recovering addicts.

[-]

CyndiIsOnReddit@reddit

Yes you need to stop, but would you consider adopting a 55 year old? :)

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

😆

[-]

HoldMyDomeFoam@reddit

I’m sure you already know the correct answer.

Catfiche1970@reddit

Kindly, but bluntly, you both have been funding his demise and watching it. He gives you breadcrumbs and you're so grateful, you open the checkbook. I get it. With love, please talk to someone qualified about how to set boundaries and get the support you need to stick with them.

[-]

Ihaveknownaim@reddit (OP)

Thanks

[-]

Suspicious-Throat-25@reddit

If you are worrying about your finances due to the inability of your son to manage his own finances then there is a problem. I think it's time to cut him off. I do feel tender towards you because I feel as though I would have a hard time doing that with my kid. I would want to give my kid every opportunity possible to do well and to succeed. Sometimes that takes tough love though. I assume that you have offered him a place to stay where he could stay and pay a little for rent and expenses.

Don't take this the wrong way I mean it from a positive place, but does he have ADHD? And if so is it managed? I would highly recommend that he get tested and treated for it if he does indeed have ADHD. The treatment is so very very simple and is life-changing because it would give him the medication that he needs to function well. A very close friend of mine sounds like what you've described of your son. And he was diagnosed with adult ADHD and is now getting medicine for it. He is literally changed his life and turned it around.

[-]

AngelHeart-@reddit

So you have been giving him full financial support and have helped him avoid accountability?

How’s that working out?

[-]

faulkkev@reddit

You can’t enable him or he will not have a chance of pulling head out of ass. It is hard as parents because love just derails the logic of cutting him off, but I think you have to. It has been my experience people like the son you described rarely do pull up and are always living like a plane about to crash and just seek enablers to manipulate. I do t know why that is but, it sure seems that way.

[-]

ScoobyDarn@reddit

My GF has a 25 year old daughter who has a degree in Computer Science, has NEVER had a job, lives w us, stays up all night playing games, sleeps until 3pm every day, doesn't have a drivers license, always has her hand out wanting something, is an entitled little bitch to my GF, and isn't even looking for a job. The only good thing is she doesn't drink or do drugs.

I mostly keep my mouth shut though. It's not my kid but I'd push her out the door asap if given a chance. On the blessed day that she does move out, she's gonna really find out that her plushies and video games are not the real world. Too fucking bad.

You really should do the same w your kid. Cut him off asap.

[-]

Ok_Perception1131@reddit

You’re enabling him. By bailing him out, you’ve crippled him. He never had to learn to adult. You should have stopped bailing him out years ago.

He’ll never learn how to survive unless you give him the opportunity to do so.

[-]

Felon73@reddit

I have a family member by marriage who is like this. She never took responsibility for herself and her mother bailed her out and paid for her to live her whole life. Her mother died broke. Now she’s 60 years old, hasn’t had a job in 30 years and doesn’t have a pot to piss in. She actually thought that my wife and myself were going to pick up where her mother left off. Boy was she in for a rude awakening. Now she’s broke, borrows from Peter to pay Paul but never Pays Paul or Peter back. Rages at her very elderly father if he doesn’t send her money for “cigarettes”.

You need to cut him off sooner rather than later or it will absolutely be too late for him to actually become a useful member of society. He will just become a drain on the system because mommy couldn’t say no.

[-]

JenninMiami@reddit

You’re hurting your son’s chances of ever growing up by enabling him to be a loser.

[-]

JustAnotherBrokenCog@reddit

I think it’s harsh calling OP dumb. I have a stepdaughter whose father died from alcoholism. I wanted her to do well so badly. But she started only contacting me when she needed money. I paid for her to not be evicted. Helped her buy a car. Soon enough the car was totaled and she was about to be evicted again. It was heart wrenching to tell her I couldn’t help anymore. And I feel heartbroken every day.

I hear you. I've been where you are.

I would highly recommend that you check out Alanon (al-anon.org) and codependents anonymous (coda.org). These two groups are filled with loving, caring people in your same situation. I hope you find peace.

[-]

Flaky-Artichoke6641@reddit

When u going to cut the apron string. Part of his behavior comes from knowing u will bail him out. Seen alot in my work..

[-]

Late_Football_2517@reddit

I have a 24 year old alcoholic son in the same boat. Yes, it's okay to stop. They will never get better until they face the consequences of their actions. I understand how hard it is. I love him, but he needs to grow up and learn to fend for himself.

[-]

Only_Argument7532@reddit

Your son’s generation is seeing the lie of the “American dream.” This generation will be the first to not own homes. They’ll exist in Amazon housing. They spend their money for today, because they have little hope for the future.

She finally retired last November. She went into the doctor for abdominal pain in January and was diagnosed with bile duct cancer. She never went home again and passed away on March 7th.

She got barely 2 months to enjoy retirement when she could have had 12 years. We're entitled to want some happiness and peace for ourselves after putting our "good" years toward raising our children.

You owe this to yourself and your husband to close the spigot now. You know the old saying about necessity being the mother of invention. He's shown that he will not learn to become independent and self-supporting as long as you are there to cushion the fall.

[-]

GreatGreenGobbo@reddit

I have a somewhat related situation. Take a read through this.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

You are the enabler in this situation. I used to be that in mine.

If you feel like you can trust him enough, tell him he's cut off in two months. It's not a discussion. There's no bargaining. Whatever timeframe you say, stick to it.

Sink or swim time. You will have anxiety, you will worry, you won't want him to fail, you will want to help. You cannot help. If he fails, he fails. He has to figure out how to pick himself up, or not.

Loving someone is doing what is right for them, not you. Even when it's painful to you.

I stayed with a friend's parents for a month or so. I got a job. I got an apartment. I enrolled in community college (mom did help pay for college). After a year I went back to the University (dumb, I should've stayed in community college for another year). I struggled through college but got it done. I got a job and now I have a credit card, car keys, a mortgage, etc.

You did your best, it's time he becomes responsible for his own life.

[-]

Gracklepod@reddit

Your son is not only draining your money, he is draining your life and destroying your peace and happiness. His habits and behavior are no different than that of an alcoholic or drug addict. If you want to retain your sanity and get some happiness back in your life, you need to cut off the cash supply, tell him you love him but distance distance yourself from him until he gets his act together or else he will drag you down to the same datkness that he's living in.

Eagle_1776@reddit

not to be mean, but you have created this. ffs, stop.

[-]

Time-Soup-8924@reddit

You should have stopped bailing him out several years ago.

He’s a grown assed man. Let him be one.

[-]

liss100@reddit

You're ENABLING him.

[-]

Forward-Still-6859@reddit

Just stop enabling him, for his sake as much as yours.

[-]

ThisSpaceIntLftBlnk@reddit

If it helps you to cut the cord, give one last amount of money, and tell him, "this it it. We're out of money, and will not be bailing your out ever again. What you do with this money is up to you, but don't call us if you make bad decisions and get thrown out because you weren't responsible. We love you, but there is NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE."

Even it this isn't the actual case, the absolute of "bank of Mom is closed", plus the "one last chance with fair warning" combo might help your own heart, because you've given him the one last chance to pull himself together, and he can choose to do right, or not, but he absolutely CANNOT go wailing to everyone that "they just cut me off in my time of need with no warning" blah blah blah...

Hang in there, and remember you are WORTH MORE than being horribly used as an unceasing Mom ATM.

[-]

Andovars_Ghost@reddit

Yes, some people need to completely bottom out before they make the change. Their brains (not right or wrong) just can’t comprehend something until it is experienced. Others can learn by being told or seeing something, others need the experience. It will be rough, and heartbreaking, but if you EVER want to give them a chance at flying straight, sometimes the toughest love is the way to make it stick.

[-]

dangerous_skirt65@reddit

You should have stopped a long time ago.