Under what circumstances is it okay to ask where somebody is originally from?

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h2man@reddit

I think it depends on the situation… in Egypt, for example, where this is asked as a first question by everyone on the street, it is rude and they get a lie. In the UK, my experience so far is always of genuine interest between where I’m from and the UK or if the person has been there. I’ve had some great conversations with people that have been in my home town or also about the place where I currently live out of this curiosity and am always open to go down that “line of questioning”. However, perhaps because of my accent, it’s not a daily occurrence for me. If the person had broken english he may well feel self conscious about it and be questioned by everyone. No matter the intention, the frequency of questioning can get to someone. Don’t worry and keep asking. ;)

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gladrags247@reddit

I think it's the other way round. People with different accents, or bilingual people don't mind answering that question. Some people born and bred in the UK, whose parents might have been born here as well, get irritated when they get asked that multiple times in the space of one day. It all depends how you ask.

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h2man@reddit

I mean, the UK’s accents are diverse enough for many people not to know instantly where they’re from. Saying you’re from the Hebrides, Birmingham, Newcastle, Kent or Wrexham is just as valid as Portugal, Spain, etc… no need to be offended about it.

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gladrags247@reddit

If you know the person well most times its easierto ask, but it depends on how you do it. If you explain why you're asking, you'll probably get a straightforward answer (e.g., your name/surname is lovely/interesting. I was just wondering which part of the world it originates from). That way it doesn't minimise their sense of belonging.

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PeggyNoNotThatOne@reddit

I'd never ask someone black or brown as it's deeply offensive. The hated "No, where are you really from?" question. I don't think I'd ask someone white either unless they had a strong overseas accent and even then probably not. I'm in London and one of its greatest strengths is that wherever someone hails from, whether Macclesfield, Munich or Mumbai, they are by default Londoners.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

I didn't ask where they were "really" from

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PeggyNoNotThatOne@reddit

I didn't say you did but it's so often the follow-up question (the clue was the 'No' bit). I've seen people brace themselves when asked "Where are you from?" ready for the next bit. For a lot of people there will be a question that makes them bristle. Mine is "What happened to your eye?" especially as it's usually from people I don't know. I don't mind children asking so much because their default is asking questions, but it's an intrusive and loaded question from adults. On the other hand it's quite good fun giving the wrong and completely improbable answer eg when I ran away and joined the circus I got bitten by a dancing bear with a bad hangover.

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NotTheOnlyOutcome@reddit

If you've used your line of questioning on multiple people without issue, then you can probably assume that the person who reacted differently is a unique case. Maybe they had their reasons for that. Maybe they were angry about something. Maybe they were lying. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

True. Maybe they were just angry or having bad day. It's hard to tell. It was a genuine question of curiosity but I think hey thought I might have been racist however there was no intention of the sort.

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jareer-killer1@reddit

Depends what the topic of conversation was before you asked that’s why they might have taken it the wrong way. What were you talking about with the person in question before you asked where they’re from?

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

Just one of those conversations when meeting somebody news through colleagues. Weather > holidays > kids > commute. Then the where are you from thing came up.

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jareer-killer1@reddit

Ah okay yeah you did nothing wrong probably just having a bad don’t beat yourself up too much over it :)

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moubliepas@reddit

Mmm, I don't know about this. The conversation went from weather, kids, commute, to please explain your ethnicity and that of your parents? I mean, if they'd been talking about holidays or British customs or languages or something, it might be relevant to ask someone's ethnicity (OP has specifically used the phrase where someone is from originally, which I've literally only ever heard when brown people keep repeating that they're from Clapham / Birmingham / whatever). Like, I've never ever heard a white person discuss their parents and grandparents racial pedigrees with casual acquaintances, and I'd be rather wary of anyone who did. But for some reason it's ok to ask non white people that, all the time? Nah mate. Parental ethnicity and where your bloody grandparents were born is a personal question, it belongs on the 'when are you popping round for dinner again' and 'does your fiance still do that thing you hate?' level of questioning familiarity, not right alongside how was the commute

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Single-Aardvark9330@reddit

From OPs comments it sounds more like a where did you grow up than a where did your ancestors live, or at least that's what OP meant I've been working at my job just under a year now and I know where everyone grew up, just comes up in conversation over time

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

>From OPs comments it sounds more like a where did you grow up than a where did your ancestors live, or at least that's what OP meant I didn't even mean it as far as asking somebodies ancestry. On that particular day when I was socialising the question was asked to everyone, even those with an English accent. Most responses were just "I was brought up in Essex", "I'm from Newcastle but came to London 10 years ago" and that kind of thing. Infact the only person who said they were from London was this guy I'm referring to. Basically their accent didn't sound anything like an accent from London who had been Brought up there. Infact given their English I imagined they had only been in London or an English speaking country for a matter of months or handful of years which is what prompted a further question.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

>explain your ethnicity and that of your parents? I didn't say anything about anyones parents? >I mean, if they'd been talking about holidays or British customs or languages or something, it might be relevant to ask someone's ethnicity I didn't ask for their ethnicity, only where they were from based on the accent/broken English, assuming they weren't from London. > (OP has specifically used the phrase where someone is from originally, which I've literally only ever heard when brown people keep repeating that they're from Clapham / Birmingham / whatever). > >Like, I've never ever heard a white person discuss their parents and grandparents racial pedigrees with casual acquaintances, and I'd be rather wary of anyone who did. But for some reason it's ok to ask non white people that, all the time? The person I was asking was white to me so I don't know what you're on about. Nothing about my question was about ethnicity or race or anything like that. >Nah mate. Parental ethnicity and where your bloody grandparents were born is a personal question, it belongs on the 'when are you popping round for dinner again' and 'does your fiance still do that thing you hate?' level of questioning familiarity, not right alongside how was the commute I didnt say anything about grandparent lol

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

Yeah, thanks. Just wanted to see what others thought.

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carlsen02@reddit

I ask this question quite a lot, usually Europeans from the east, but with absolutely no racist intent. Because I am genuinely interested in other countries. It doesn’t cross my mind for a minute they’re not British, it’s just interest and finding out about their countries and whether it’s worth visiting.

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Zephiasco@reddit

Maybe if they don't sound English but can speak English

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terryjuicelawson@reddit

I think only if you have got to know someone quite closely but even then it tends to naturally come up in conversation somehow. The classic "no where are you *really* from" to an aquaintace (with an accent / non-white) is very cringey.

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DJDJDJ80@reddit

Look different = no Sound different = yes

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hhfugrr3@reddit

I asked a woman where she was from last week. She was a white woman who mentioned something about her childhood that made me wonder. I can't see that ever being a problem. Now if you go on and say, "no but where are you really from? Your people I mean?" Then it's a bit dicey.

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DNBassist89@reddit

Yeah that's the issue, isn't it. I used to work with a girl who was born im/around London and lived in Scotland but one of her parents was from the Caribbean. People would ask her where she was from, she'd say London and then they'd ask, "No, where are you really from". And it's just a shitty question.

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SnooCakes1636@reddit

Only when they’ve already indicated they arent from the place in question.

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bandson88@reddit

Estimated time of arrival?

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Historical_Till834@reddit

That's what it means in the real world but on Reddit it's 'Edited to Add' took me a year before someone explained it lol

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TheStatMan2@reddit

>That's what it means in the real world Well... Either that or a Spanish terrorist group.

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d4ng3r0u5@reddit

Basque terrorist group. I think the point is they don't want to be Spanish.

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TheStatMan2@reddit

Nevertheless...

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glasgowgeg@reddit

> but on Reddit it's 'Edited to Add' I've never seen this before, the standard for Reddit is to add "Edit:" to a new line at the bottom of the post, as shown in the Reddiquette guide [here](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439).

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strawbebbymilkshake@reddit

Used to be the standard but ETA has been a thing for years. Not a clue why

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Historical_Till834@reddit

That's what I thought but the use of ETA has become so common in the subs I frequent - maybe its more American? Idk

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ferbot2@reddit

Depends where you’re coming from originally

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celi0s@reddit

Any you want

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Proof-Procedure-829@reddit

I was once stopped in Birmingham train station by a man who wanted to know if I was Polish because in his opinion I looked it. I’ve been asked many times where I’m from due to my accent and in all scenarios it made me feel like I don’t belong regardless of how people posed the question. If my origin birth place matters to the conversation I will bring it up myself. Just do not ask that question in the first ever interaction you have with someone.

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RichardTauber@reddit

A lot of people of foreign heritage were born and brought up in the UK, and some of them find it offensive if someone implies by their questions, that they are a first generation immigrant. *Where are you* ***really*** *from?* The safest way forward is to ask the question indirectly --- if their first name is obviously of foreign origin and is uncommon \[in other wrods not Abdul, or Ali, or Mohammed) you can ask "Where did that name originate?" You need to be sensitive to their body language, and if in doubt start with, "That's interesting -- if you don't mind my asking ...". Another ploy is if for example I go into an ethnically run coffee shop, or a car wash, and the staff are talking to one another in a foreign language, you can ask politely and carefully, "What language is that?" Most people are pleased to receive a polite enquiry as long as it doesn't imply that they just got off a banana boat.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

Isn't that just asking the same details but in a roundabout way? Since I have never asked the question from a perspective of race, you are kinda suggesting that I take that Ito consideration and find alternative ways of saying something similar so as not to offend after essentially identifying their race, which it could be argued is the racist thing to do.

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RichardTauber@reddit

It's just an indirect way of asking teh same questioning, but by softening it, you are less likely to rasie hackles. Compare it with this: the other day I was going into a concert where I had booked a seat, but I mistakenly was walking into a private area. The staff could have said, "You can't go in there." and I would have been slightly offended. But they said, "Can I help you?" That conveys the same information but is milder.

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EverydayDan@reddit

The way it reads to me, is that of a warning to you. If you suspect someone of either being foreign or having foreign heritage, you should be careful in what you ask as people who are not first generation immigrants may find that line of questioning offensive. They then provided tactful ways to indirectly answer the question. If you’re assumptions are based solely on their race, then yes it would be racist. Perhaps a very mild form of it.

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ArcticAmoeba56@reddit

You can ask them that question any time you like, any time youre curious, just ask it politely. If theyre not from anywhere else 'foreign' they can politely inform you thus. If they choose to respond less politely, that would make them the rude person, not you.

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InvalidNameUK@reddit

Ultimately none of your business, keep your beak out. If it comes up naturally in conversation, then great, but otherwise it's just invasive. Most people when asked this who aren't immediately identifiable as likely white British almost certainly think oh great, this again and sigh deeply inside.

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starsandbribes@reddit

How is it invasive? Nobodys asking about somebodys health records. Where you grew up in a massive public part of someones life and nothing to be ashamed of. Tip toeing around someone whos not British as if they’re lesser and should be embarrased is more racist. I have no issue in the US saying i’m from Scotland and going on about my homeland, and someone from Sudan should feel the same way in the UK.

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InvalidNameUK@reddit

It's not that though. It's basically a form of othering people with coded "where are you really from?" microagressions when they could be 3rd generation and very much identify as British. By poking them about it you are denying them their identity. It's the easiest thing in the world to not do by minding your own business. If they elect to bring it up, then great, fill your boots. If they don't, then don't be the one to start that conversation.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

>Ultimately none of your business, keep your beak out. If it comes up naturally in conversation, then great, but otherwise it's just invasive. Thanks. yeah, it came up naturally in conversation.

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Ruby-Shark@reddit

It's interesting that everyone in the comments assumes this is a racial thing. But given the word "originally" I think that's what being implied. If they have a British accent, don't ask. They're probably from Britain, and if not they moved when they were 10 or under. Only if it comes up in conversation on their terms. Like, they start talking voluntarily about when their parents/grandparents/great-grandparents moved to the UK. Then you could ask more context. Otherwise leave it alone, why do you need to know?

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

>Otherwise leave it alone, why do you need to know? Well I suppose I don't need to know anything about anyone but then I'd never meet or talk to anyone.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

I couldn't post this accompaniment as it wouldn't let me so I've added more details here: I'm asking so that I can have some perspective on this. Since moving to London I've met a lot of people from all over the world. Infact I know more people not from London or even from the UK at all than I do born here. I've become used to asking "are you originally from London?" as one of the early questions as I get to know somebody new and it generally opens up the conversation to further discussion. It's not the first thing I ask, but one of them as things progress. For example, one colleague was born in Liverpool and another from Germany but grew up in Vietnam which is kinda interesting and nice to hear about. The other day I asked somebody if they were from London and they said Yes. I noticed that they had a very strong accent that prompted me to ask if they were born here because it sounded kinda arabic but couldn't put my finger on it. The person got really annoyed at me and I tried to defuse things and get out of the conversation as their tone of voice sounded quite hostile. They raised their voice saying "I was born and bred here!" and I left it at that. I guess they could have been born here but their accent just was unlike any of the British accents I've ever heard and if I'm going to be honest their English was pretty broken. Do you think it is offensive to have asked? How to the British public feel about it? A friend of mine said my question could be interpreted as racist but there were no ill intentions with what I said.

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limedifficult@reddit

So if someone says “yes” to your question about being from London despite broken English and an accent, it means they don’t want to discuss their background any further, as is their right. I’m originally from America but I’ve lived in the U.K. most of my adult life - married here, got a dog here, had a kid here, bought a house here, work for the NHS. If I say “I live in Somerset,” it is sometimes really frustrating to have people further question me because my accent interests them.

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

But doesn't that just come with the territory of moving to somewhere from a different country having been brought up elsewhere? I feel like it would be such a sad world if we couldn't show interest in somebody and their background. I mean, you're frustrated by it but I don't really know how it could be avoided other than people just never ask where others are from.

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limedifficult@reddit

So if you have an accent, you are forever having to satisfy the curiosity of others? Can you see how that’s unfair? If you moved outside the U.K., consider how exhausting it might be to have to explain your existence multiple times a day to strangers because they’re “interested.” It’s actually fine to not ask people where they’re from. It’ll come up naturally in conversation at some point and if not…is it relevant?

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

But you dont have to explain your existence? That's not what is being asked. In my case I'm asking about your life amongst other things because I want to get to know you as a colleague or potential friend and be friendly.

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limedifficult@reddit

But it isn’t always taken as friendly, which is what your co worker and I are trying to tell you.

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starsandbribes@reddit

Theres way too much of this changing personalities/communicate because of the worst in society. So now if someone with good intentions can’t ask where someones from, that means 100% of people who ask this are going to be the racist arseholes. Hardly seems better. We give way too much power to people by doing this. We’ve basically given ownership of this conversation to the arseholes

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

99% of people I speak to apparently don't have a problem with it. I'm not from here either and so people ask me after they hear my accent all the time. It has never bothered me and I come to expect it, also acts as a friendly opener. What you are suggesting is I basically avoid doing it because of a minority who for some reason take offence to it or something. I suppose it makes more sense to continue to ask at the risk I'll occasionally annoy some people, since generally the conversations lead somewhere good.

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beartropolis@reddit

This sounds like what you basically did was a "where you from?" "London" "No but where are *really* from" Which isn't okay and certainly comes across as having racists undertones in that, 'you don't fit my view of UK/London/insert place so you must be lying to me' You asked, they answered, you had no reason to pressure and ask again

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

Yes, I was essentially asking where they were really from because I just don't think it's possible to have had that accent and broken English? Why would a person not want to say? I'm not from here either and I don't understand why somebody would be so protective over that information, particularly in a friendly setting where we are getting to know each other. There was no pressure, I let the conversation end after that.

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CycIizine@reddit

I think asking "are you from London?" is a fairly neutral way of asking. Saying "were you born here?", although asked with good intent, does have negative connotations to me and I can see why someone might be offended.

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cherrypez123@reddit

Is it not ok even if they have an accent? Kinda obvious they’re not from the UK originally…it’s just a way of trying to connect 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think there’s a bit of nuance here…it’s how you say it, to who and your overall attitude / tone

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NandosCEO@reddit (OP)

>Is it not ok even if they have an accent? Kinda obvious they’re not from the UK originally…it’s just a way of trying to connect 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yeah, I feel the same way.

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PmMeLowCarbRecipes@reddit

I usually wouldn’t ask unless they mentioned it first “back in my home country” or “where my family are from blah blah”

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JMW101@reddit

If they have an accent.

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chortlecoffle@reddit

When the person doesn't find he question massively tedious.

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Leonorati@reddit

I think it's one of those questions where depending on what their life has been like people might rather not discuss it. If I'm in Manchester and somebody asks where I from, it's really annoying that they don't accept "Leeds" as my answer. I get the whole "where are you REALLY from" and I just don't want to get into the whole story of my life with foster homes, moving abroad, boarding school and all that. I'm a white British person and I find it intrusive and annoying so it must be worse for more obviously "foreign" people. If somebody brings it up first e.g. "where I'm from, we do X instead of Y" then it's fair game to follow up by asking where that is, though.

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royalblue1982@reddit

Once you actually know them enough that it makes sense to ask a personal question about their background. Worked with someone for a couple of months and casually ask over a cup of tea - OK Ask the non-white person serving you at Tesco - no OK.

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nayR2003@reddit

I get asked this kinda often. I lived in Northern Ireland for the first 9 years of my life. Germany for the next 5, then England for the next 6, and now I live in Northern Ireland again. As you can guess, I have a weird NI accent with some German and English thrown in there. I don’t mind it, obviously you’ll ask as it’s quite a funny accent. I still often pronounce ‘W’ as a ‘V’ sound

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SpeakingFaithfully@reddit

Under all.

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blackthornjohn@reddit

I ask whenever I'm curious, I'd imagine the way it's phrased makes a massive difference.

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Watsis_name@reddit

If I can tell they're not British it's usually the accent that gives it away, so I just ask where their accent is from. Britain is multicultural if someone "looks foreign" there's a very good chance they're not.

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zinasbear@reddit

I've never asked someone at a job I worked at but in other situations I have and there's never been a problem. A few weeks ago we had someone come to put a cooker in and I asked him where he was from and he told me he was Polish. I knew he was Eastern European but I couldn't tell if he was Polish or Romanian and I was interested because my husband is Romanian. He wasn't offended at all and he quite happily started talking about the similarities between Romanian and Polish people.

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