Aging parents... | TheaterFire

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Specific_Dance_5025@reddit

At almost 55 years old, my mother STILL treats me like I'm 10-12. It's infuriating and has almost caused a few fights recently

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I 48m was at my mom’s house last week for dinner. I got up to get the pan out of the oven for her. She is 76, she told me to sit down and called her husband from the living room to get it out. I actually had to to tell her I’m old enough to get it. I’m not one to brag but I crushed it. Got it out and put it on the stove.

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Testcapo7579@reddit

Poor you

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JustFaithlessness178@reddit

She probably doesn't think you would remember oven mitts!

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skoltroll@reddit

My mother let me forget the oven mitts once.

ONCE

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ElectronicTowel1225@reddit

Lost both of mine pretty early. Enjoy your time

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Friendly-Maybe-9272@reddit

Thankfully my mother died, so she could quit treating me like an idiot. I was 28, even though I was her care giver and going to school to become a massage practitioner (had naturopath for teachers). She constantly doubted everything I was doing, would ask my sister 2 states away. She would say ask her she knows more

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ciaran668@reddit

Yes. My mother still acts like I'm utterly incapable of managing my own life, despite me having lived in my own for 30 years, with a reasonably successful career. She has "opinions" on literally everything I do, to the point where I generally don't tell her anything.

For example, if I take a day off work, she's convinced that I'll get in trouble. And god forbid I take an actual 2 week vacation (I have 7 weeks annual leave a year). She kept telling me that they were going to fire me for that, because no one should take that much time off and everyone I work with must think I'm the world's biggest slacker.

Hell, after 30 years of me having long hair, she STILL tells me how terrible I look, and I'll never find a woman looking like this. (My partner died 8 years ago, and I've not had any interest in dating again, but SHE lived my hair, so there's that )

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skoltroll@reddit

I have 7 weeks annual leave a year

Is your boss...uh, hiring?

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ciaran668@reddit

If you want to move to the UK....

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skoltroll@reddit

Actually, that might not be so bad. Was hoping EU, but...

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

Oh I get the hair thing! EVERY DAMN TIME I visit my mom it's a snarky battle over my hair and my looks. I recently grew my hair out after having a pixie cut for 20+ years, and my mother HATES it. Last year she even tried to make me sit down so she could "try to style it for me", complete with curling iron and hairspray. It was one of the first times I've ever lost my temper with her. I like it longer, my husband likes it longer, and my self-visualization I see when I close my eyes has always been me with longer hair, even in the 20 years I didn't have it. She's not going to sabotage that!

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mclareg@reddit

Same. I'm a single 54F (oldest of three brothers) and my abusive and mysogynistic father still speaks to down to me like I'm a fucking teenager and tries to make me feel like shit until I have to put him in his place and go no contact for awhile. He's fucking 80 and it's exhausting. I live 3000 miles away for a reason.

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

I've said for years she and I are better from a distance! I'm the closest of all her relatives now at 300 miles between us.

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mclareg@reddit

My father and I speak and it's fine as long as he understands that I'm an adult. My mother has Alzheimers but isn't full blown and he is her caretaker now and not her abuser anymore (fingers crossed). My mother was so submissive and scared her whole life she became a stepford wife so I have no relationship with her at all. My father is pressing for me to come visit but I don't want to! I just dealt with a massive 2 year advocacy for my apt building and the tenants against a slumlord. I am finally out of it but in no WAY am I ready to "travel" and of course they were not emotionally supportive of me while I was leading the charge and the toll and isolation it was taking. My brothers are worried that if I go he will instantly put me to work helping HIM. I'm single. Have two elderly cats. Live an unconventional life in Los Angeles and am getting ready to change that. So I don't need the weird guilt trip from him.

PS Sorry I didn't mean to write a novel! Apparently I needed to vent to a stranger who understands :(

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saomonella@reddit

I’m glad it’s not just me. My mom can set me off pretty easy. I kind of wish it was on purpose. But I know she’s not smart enough for that, which magnifies the effect.

Nothing worse than a know it all control freak, who in reality knows nothing. She thinks she can trick people or, get away with white lies, like you can with children to this day.

Moms greatest hits 1. Gives directions to places she’s never been to. She doesn’t use technology. 2. Insists on checking in to flights in person and getting paper tix. She was a career flight attendant. 3. Swears that she’s never eaten an olive 🫒

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

I need to figure out how not to let my mom set me off so easily. I've gotten better with laughing her off, but yesterday she just triggered me again. (She's trying to manipulate my sister and I into a situation I do not want, by actively lying about when we are each visiting her. I'm no contact with my sister for a reason and it's not her place to fix it.)

For me the killer comment was two years ago. There was situation when I was a teenager involving a minor teenager and an adult, which escalated to police involvement. People were paid and it went away. My mother had the nerve to bring it up, over 30 years later, and ask if it really happened or if it was a fabricated story for attention. I hedged the issue (didn't say yes, didn't say no, basically said "what is the point in knowing now?"). Her response was "I wouldn't have believed it, even if it was true". Said everything I ever needed to know about me as a person and my childhood. Honestly, if I didn't have such a sense of obligation (quite overblown at that), I'd have cut her off right then.

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saomonella@reddit

Three things I try to keep in mind

They are old. They aren’t changing now.
Pretend they are someone else’s parent.
Ignore and take the high road

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Master-Dimension-452@reddit

It is so frustrating to be seen as a five year old when I’m the parent of a 27 year old. My parents aren’t critical thinkers who ask clarifying questions, and somehow think they are the experts and must dictate everything. If they were ever told to sleep in the floor for a family vacation in their 50’s, my dad would have exploded, yet I’m told my husband and I should sleep on the floor so the whole family can stay together rather than us get a hotel room with our own space and privacy.

I’m a grown adult that doesn’t need to be lectured, told what I “need” to do, or parented while I’m in my 50’s, and somehow my parents don’t understand why I don’t want to be around them.

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KetoLurkerHereAgain@reddit

My sister had an in-law in her 70's who had the same issue with her 95-year-old mother.

It never ends!

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lauriern2005@reddit

My biggest fear- my nmom living into her 90s

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Prestigious_Rain_842@reddit

My mom is in her 90's and I've been no contact with her for about 10 years. I hear through family she's on palliative care now. No desire to go see her. Nothing to say to her, nothing I need or want to hear from her.

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lauriern2005@reddit

I have to get to the point where I don’t care about a possible inheritance for me or my child before I go NC.

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reddit_fake_account@reddit

I went NC with my parents.

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skoltroll@reddit

Going LC (they're not paying Verizon for its outgoing call feature, I guess). Awaiting whether NC is in my future.

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rockpaperscissors67@reddit

Same. My father opted to yell at me and tell me I was irresponsible when I'm responsible for more things than he ever dreamed of.

I have adult kids and I still parent them sometimes, in that I give them advice when they ask for it.

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boringlesbian@reddit

I did too. Then I restarted with VLC under my terms. If she didn’t respect my boundaries and speak to me like I was a fully functioning adult, I would warn her once, then I would just hang up on her. I had her grandson that she wanted to see so she learned to behave herself when dealing with me. I didn’t actually see her in person for about twenty years until she was “about to die”. So I went to see her. I saved her life for the second time. And then she lived a few more years after that.

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Master-Dimension-452@reddit

Same. I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

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Enough-Ad-1575@reddit

Last year, at age 44, I bought a used (2911) Toyota Highlander to tow my 2 recently adopted senior dogs around in. I joked with my family that this was my midlife crisis and my dad started talking about what ACTUALLY happens at midlife...I was like you know I'm 44, right? And probably past midlife at this point unless I live to 88? He got quiet fast, for once!

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Neophile_b@reddit

Not that your father is right, but midlife crisis happens sometime around midlife, not necessarily when you reach the midpoint of your life. I didn't experience any sort of midlife crisis until I was 53, and I know damn well I'm not living to 106

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dreaminginteal@reddit

Mom was a worry-wart. We developed a catchphrase about it--"Don't be such a mother, mother!"

She would also say it when she knew she was going too far.

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saomonella@reddit

Same with my mom. She sweats the small stuff. Is that why I get anxious sometimes?

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SmartNotRude@reddit

My dad does. My mom? Not so much. (I'll be 50 next month.)

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PGHNeil@reddit

Just wait until THEY become like children. THAT’S the real challenge.

Seriously, the first thing to go is the filter; whatever pops in their mind just pops out of their mouth. Pretty soon, you’ll begin to see that what pops out of their mouth is no longer in their memory. That’s a sign that the mind is going.

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MDK1980@reddit

You'll always be their kid, no matter how old you are. Just be thankful if you still have them around. Some of us don't.

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ParticularParking520@reddit

Same boat, my friend. My mother is 77 and still thinks I need to do what she says. Mind you, she had to move into my house when her job downsized and did away with her position leaving her unable to afford to live on her own. I spent 20 years in the army, bought and paid my house off, raised two kids who have gone off to be productive members of society, and babysit three grandkids four days a week. And yet, she thinks I need to listen to her advice. The advice of a woman who has never owned a home, can never keep money in savings, and quite school after 8th grade.

I’m so glad I did not turn out like her. My kids are my best friends and they actively seek out my advice knowing I don’t judge if they don’t follow it. I had to make my mistakes and learn from them. They have to do the same. I raised them to function without me because, there will come a day when I won’t be here.

The saddest part is, I fear it will be more of a relief when my mom passes instead of a sad time.

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

Absolutely agree with your last sentence. My dad and I had it all planned out for years...she was the unhealthy one so we always assumed she'd go first. Then ALS happened. I never got angry with him, but boy did I get angry with the disease for throwing a wrench in our plans.

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ParticularParking520@reddit

Oh man, that’s a rough one. I’m sorry for that 🥺

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Objective-Lab5179@reddit

I have a mother like that and at 93, she isn't changing. My father, on the other hand, has always treated me as an adult the moment I turned 18.

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FloridaGirlMary@reddit

I just found out my 75 year old mother had breast implants put in after the death of my father in 1986 when I was 6 years old!!!! She never told me

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periodicsheep@reddit

mine still won’t admit she married and divorced a guy when she was in her early 20s. just pretends to not know what i’m talking about. i’ve seen the marriage record on the internet, my dad told me, and my maternal grandparents told me. mom? she had noooo idea what i’m talking about.

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Sintered_Monkey@reddit

It will probably all come out when she thinks she is dying. My mother started admitting all kinds of stuff when she thought she was dying. At the time, she still had a few more months left. But she admitted that she married my father because she didn't want to get a job. All of a sudden, everything made sense.

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Imnothere1980@reddit

I have one Boomer parent and one silent Gen. The amount of things they never admitted to is astonishing. My mom would never admit to even dying here hair, wouldn’t even tell her own children her age. My dad would straight up lie and hide tens of thousands of dollars in unknown bank accounts while pretending to be poor. I could go on and one. ANY little bit of info that could make them look bad was either scrubbed or history was changed. It’s not until recently that I’ve started to discover that my parents were par for the course from people in this generation. They would do anything to keep themselves looking innocent.

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beetlejuicemayor@reddit

Both of my parents are silent generation and their secs run deep. I’m talking about finding a random engagement ring my mom has, my dad gave up a kid we weren’t supposed to find out about and god knows what else they are hiding. My mom has repeatedly told me “we stark people questions”. My husband would get lectured by her for asking a question about a family member…they are tucking crazy.

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Cjkgh@reddit

I haven’t spoken to my mom (who i’m really close with) in over 3 months because some OUT OF THE BLUE fucked up shit she said to me one day. There was zero reason for her to say it and she made the choice to and to say i’m disappointed in her is an understatement. So yes, “well placed sentences” I don’t deserve at 49 freaking years old and her treating me in some scolding , talking down to me way for no reason at all is something I am NOT having. We’ll talk again when i feel there’s something to talk about. I currently am at a loss with both my parent’s behavior for the past 3 months.

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

I feel you wholeheartedly.

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Bella_de_chaos@reddit

My Mom is good with me being an adult, and most of the time, I am her decision maker. My MIL however....still thinks her word is law and must be obeyed. (Hag needs to stop telling her 59yo son to shave and get a haircut FFS. He LIKES long hair and beards, and so do I.)

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

EVERY DAMN TIME I visit my mom it's a snarky battle over my hair and my looks. I recently grew my hair out after having a pixie cut for 20+ years, and my mother HATES it. Last year she even tried to make me sit down so she could "try to style it for me", complete with curling iron and hairspray. It was one of the first times I've ever lost my temper with her. I like it longer, my husband likes it longer, and my self-visualization I see when I close my eyes has always been me with longer hair, even in the 20 years I didn't have it. She's not going to sabotage that!

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Objective_Party9405@reddit

It will change when they get to their late 70s/early 80s when you start needing to be the parent to them.

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ScarletRobin31415@reddit (OP)

She's 79 in June. It won't change.

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Objective_Party9405@reddit

Sorry! I misread your post. I thought you were saying she’s 51.

You may be surprised. Mine turns 84 in June. Increasingly, over the last 4 years I have had to become the parent. It hasn’t been a very graceful transition. It’s quite surprising to realise how much an octogenarian can resemble a stubborn 2 year old.

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BellaKKK72@reddit

Uuuuurrrghhhh - same. Except for me its my dad. I am 53 and he honestly still cant accept that I am a fully grown middle aged person who is capable of having opinions that are fully formed but that dont necessarily align with his outlook. Our conversations are completely banal these days as I just dont want to discuss anything that might descend into him getting stroppy about me thinking differently. He has always taken this as a personal attack / disrespect / wilful ignorance. Im like "dont you want your children to be critical thinkers with a mind of their own???"

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skoltroll@reddit

No, he doesn't.

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Taodragons@reddit

My wife's parents listen to me, because I'm a MAN. Makes her crazy lol. My dad doesn't listen for shit, but that's 50% because he won't get hearing aids. He's using one of my grandpa's 30+ year old ones.

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skoltroll@reddit

used hearing aids????

eww

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Listen-to-Mom@reddit

My parents took my younger brother’s advice/comments for the same reason. He’s a guy. Didn’t have a job and lived at home, but being a guy gave him superiority over me.

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Allblack4777@reddit

No, they can't. Because they can't see themselves as old. They never saw you as a parent to your kids, etc...

It's pretty uncanny

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Imnothere1980@reddit

This is a major problem with people born in a certain time.

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Allblack4777@reddit

Every people born in everytime have their problems.

It's just way more comfortable to point out done other demographics stereotypes than to look at your own... don't ya think?

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skoltroll@reddit

yes yes you're very superior

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skoltroll@reddit

I've made it a point to treat my own children as age appropriate. One's technically still a child, but she's clearly acting like an adult (though young one). The other is following behind. Both are good kids, and it's time to treat them as good adults.

Re: my parents' desire to continue to act like I'm THEIR CHILD... I'm getting too old for this shit.

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Green_Mare6@reddit

It's a struggle. I have found myself acting this way with my own adult kids. For my situation, I found that if I think they want advice, I try to give it like I would for a friend or sibling rather than a parent.

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WilliePullout@reddit

I just leave now. They start with the bullshit I just tell my wife “well let’s go” and I walk the fuck out.

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VastusAnimus@reddit

When I was 15, my mother and I got into a fight. She could be abusive, and she got a little mean this particular time.

The problem was my grandmother, her mother, was over.

An hour went by between the time my mother and I fought. And as she passed my grandmother, my grandmother let her have a whack of her cane across the back!!!!

As my mother pulled herself up to her knees! She screamed what the hell at my grandmother. My grandmother sternly told her not to talk to her children the way she did to me. My mother informed her that she was my mother and could speak to me how she wanted.

My grandmother informed her that she was her mother and will punish her appropriately for acting that way!

A parent is always a parent!

What I learned from my grandmother that day has always stuck with me. And I let my children know, that I am always their parent, I love them no matter what, I’m proud of them always!, and I will beat their ass the rest of their lives if I need too.

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GolfOk7579@reddit

One time. I was mid-40s, she was mid-70s and in the hospital for the last time, although no one knew that officially. There was an issue with my aunt, her sister. As interesting as it was to see mom be treated like that by “Mom Jr.,” this was not the place or time. I took charge and handled it, and I do believe mom saw me as an adult for the first time.

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Raised_by@reddit

I’ve read somewhere that if you baby your kid when they are babies, parent them when they’re kids, you can then become their mentor when they grow into teenagers and then their friend as adults.

Some parents want to keep control on their adult kids

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EvolutionaryLens@reddit

This works. My daughters and I have the best relationship a parent could ever ask for.

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Restless-J-Con22@reddit

Sigh

I'm about to stay with my ailing fragile mother while she dies, and I can just imagine this will be me soon

I've already told her we will not be buying cage eggs and she has to stop calling me her slave

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StalledCentury1001@reddit

Well you’ll miss them just the same when they are gone even the bad ones I’ve seen people still cry over parents who they thought were terrible this is life

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yarn_slinger@reddit

My folks have been gone a while but I have a whole lot of older siblings who do this.

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No-Wonder2002@reddit

I had to go low contact/gray rock.

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DulinELA@reddit

I sincerely hope that works for you. I tried that and my Mom REALLY could not handle it… eventually leading to hilarious and insane accusations that “I was on drugs” like those 90’s PSAs with the fried egg. We no longer have a relationship.

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Zealousideal_Ad642@reddit

My father still sends me stuff suitable for a 12 year old. I usually just throw it straight in the bin.

Yesterday's text message from him was a listing of unskilled jobs I should apply for.

I think I'll stick with the overpaid tech career I've been doing for the past 27 years ffs.

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jcapi1142@reddit

Gen X are the first generation to inherit an economy and society that is worse off than our parent had.
I believe this the cause of my animosity towards them and their generation.

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ASuthrnBelle13@reddit

My mom is a negative human being and never has a nice thing to say about anything or anyone. My dad chastises me every time he sees me because.. he hasn't seen me in a while?! Im 52. lol 🤷‍♀️ I realize I'm blessed to still have them in my middle age, and I will never hold anything against them. 🥰

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libbuge@reddit

Mine are dead. They were good parents but pretty crappy old people, so it's fine. Especially my mom, she was awful her last 7-8 years.

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Playful-Park4095@reddit

Well, my parents aren't aging any longer and don't communicate without a Ouija board.

But, no I didn't have that issue.

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quipsNshade@reddit

Same!!

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aluminumnek@reddit

I made a post about this a while back. I’m 51 and my parents still treat me like I’m 15. It’s annoying and frustrating.

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Crazyhorse6901@reddit

Simple answer, “NO”.

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PowerfulMind4273@reddit

I’ve certainly given up on thinking mom would view me as anything but her little boy. I’m 54.

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Latter-Village7196@reddit

Not my parents because my mom passed 30 years ago and my dad is useless, but my aunties. They still see me as the reckless teen I once was. They think at 47 I still go out clubbing and party! Bitches, I'm in bed by 8pm maybe 9 on a Friday and I haven't had a drink since I visited my sister last year! I love them dearly, they all stepped up when my mom passed, but I am an adult I promise!

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RCA2CE@reddit

My kids are adults, I don't view them as children and I try not to treat them that way

What I always say is; I owe you advice now...

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Medical_Quarter9632@reddit

Certainly trying my absolute conscious best to acknowledge love appreciate nurture enjoy recognize balance… All things considered it’s still the first time I’ve been on this journey as well Every age and stage is brand new to us all

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

Nope. Omg it makes me crazy. Especially my mother. My dad is easier to joke with about it and he’ll stop. I just spent a small fortune on treatment for my dog. My dad made a comment about it LIKE IT WAS HIS MONEY. I replied “I would have thought you’d appreciate the love and care my senior dog is getting as I’m setting a good standard for when it’s your turn”. His response: Fair point. I retract my comment.

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merryone2K@reddit

Brilliant comeback!

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fmlyjwls@reddit

My mom seems to accept me as an adult, and now I’m taking care of her with dementia. It’s her friends that have known my whole life that don’t. Really pisses me off but I’m stuck dealing with them as long as she’s alive.

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GenXrules69@reddit

Eventually the parent becomes the child and the child the parent

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LinksLackofSurprise@reddit

I walked away from my family long ago for a myriad of reasons. Mostly because despite the fact that I started raining my mom at age 12, she refused to respect me as an adult well into my 30s.

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rikerismycopilot@reddit

As a lighter example, my best friend and I were at her house, where she lives with her elderly father. We were discussing how to deal with something and he grumbled "You young'uns think you know everything." I pointed out that the "young'uns" are in our mid-40s. Parents do be parenting, forever.

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GarthRanzz@reddit

I don’t have parents but I see this with how my Millennial girlfriend’s parents treat her (at 39). It kind of makes me glad I don’t have to deal with it myself because how my mom treated me until I was 30 (she passed just after my 30th). I know we would be estranged today were she still around.

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Naldarn@reddit

Family knows where your buttons are and will push them with the least provocation.

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redbeard914@reddit

Not mine. I'm 59, and they are 96 & 91.

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Lead-Forsaken@reddit

My father kept calling to check in on me when I went to have dinner at a restaurant with my best female friend that I had known since 10 years old. Why am I adding the detail? This wasn't a threat by a long shot. The older I got, the earlier he checked in. It used to be I'd say I'd be home by 10.30, he'd call 10.20. Last time he called, it was 8.15.

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Katriina_B@reddit

My parents never really parented me by telling me what to do, but they had my back when I made decisions, not all of them the most intelligent, and they still do to this day. Not to mention they came in clutch when my ex husband was arrested for abusing my daughter. So I've never seen them as parents who don't see me as an adult. They treated me like an adult by age 9.

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Ok-Care-8857@reddit

Drives me crazy. We can’t even go away without my mom wanting to know every detail of our itinerary.

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NinaFoundry@reddit

I’m 48 and my 75 yo mom has Alzheimer’s (she’s reasonably still with it) and my dad is 78. He’s starting to show poor judgment at times. Regardless, both of my parents still occasionally talk down to me like I’m a kid with no life experience. I think this is just how it goes.

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