If Americans marry for love and compatibility, why is the divorce rate so high?
Posted by SnooBeans1976@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 154 comments
Based on my findings from other related questions on this sub, Americans marry for love and compatibility. If that's the case, why is the divorce rate so high? I am looking for anecdotal experiences for why Americans divorce.
Salmoninthewell@reddit
Because they don’t marry just for love and compatibility. They also marry for sex, or because they don’t want to be alone, or because they want to change their living situation, or because they need money, or because there is a baby on the way and they value the stability of a two-parent home, or because they think that getting married is just something you do…
Also, sometimes people marry for love but they have mental illness, addiction, terrible coping mechanisms, too many stressors, or are terribly immature and can’t manage their own behavior to allow a healthy relationship with another person.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Oh. Is my premise incorrect?
Isn't that transactional? Wouldn't that be against the American culture?
GOTaSMALL1@reddit
I love my wife with every fiber of my being and would kill or die for her if it came down to it… but we have no qualms about the fact that our marriage is transactional. I don’t see why that a problem.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
I always thought transactional marriages are unethical. That's a new perpective and now I am reconsidering my belief.
mruhkrAbZ@reddit
Life is transactional, its better to live with that fact than to deny it
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
I have been thinking about this. It doesn't feel right. But I appreciate your comment.
mruhkrAbZ@reddit
Its can be a very uncomfortable realization at first. Remember its in harmony with Love and kindness, not opposition.
Salmoninthewell@reddit
Transactional relationships are extremely common. There’s nothing unethical about it unless one member of the relationship isn’t aware that it’s transactional.
Salmoninthewell@reddit
It’s against the American ideal dream about relationships, as depicted in romantic books and movies. Our culture idealizes true love, and the idea that you can perfectly connect with one other person such that you completely understand them and they you, and nothing will ever change and you ride off into the sunset together Happily Ever After. What is depicted in fantasy shows what people idealize, not how they actually live.
The reality is that people marry for lots of reasons, and/or they’re deeply dysfunctional in a way that results in failure of their relationships.
I’m in the military, and in our community it’s an on-going joke that people get married because they want to move out of the barracks or move out of their small town and follow their spouse to a new place.
ALoungerAtTheClubs@reddit
Just because we don't have arranged marriages doesn't mean every is a happy love match. And multiple factors can be true at once.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
..why would that be against American culture?
mruhkrAbZ@reddit
Because Hollywood, advertising, and mainstream media feeds us very selfish, unrealistic, and toxic expectations of what people should want and expect out of a relationship. Our culture propagated by mainstream media also pushes narratives and ideas to make men hate women and vice versa. We also have a lot of very materialistic ideas being pushed and ungratefulness for human relationships because of the amount of consumerism. Our modernized civilization is very far from the environment humans are built to live in, and many people never even end up realizing what they want out of life and relationships, so have a difficult time maintaining a good relationship.
There are a lot of forces in this country that seek to drive families apart.
JayeK47@reddit
In a no fault divorce legal regime, divorce rates are naturally going to be coupled to marriage rates. Higher marriage rates = higher divorce rates.
prowler28@reddit
Puppy love is another thing. I have a buddy from high school who dated several girls until he got married, and each time, he was "in loooooove", his text message signature was "she's the one". He got married, had a kid, and was divorced within five years.
And he told me that he just didn't know what love really means.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Yeah. This is super common. Some people are plain delusional and keep convincing themselves even when they don't genuinely feel anything. Some people fake it to impress others whereas some people genuinely misunderstand one thing for another.
Love/marriage doesn't seem any different in America as compared to the country I grew up in. Thanks for your comment. That was helpful.
oligarchyreps@reddit
divorce is acceptable in North America. And a better option than staying together for religion or kids and being miserable.
C5H2A7@reddit
Because marrying for love and compatibility also implies the potential for naturally growing apart, and people don't feel obligated to stay in marriages that aren't fulfilling.
WallaWallaWalrus@reddit
Love and compatibility are probably good criteria for childfree people. If they get divorced, it’s not a big deal. People who want to have kids should probably focus on whether they can maintain a low-conflict relationship even when they don’t feel a lot of love or compatibility with their spouse. Children really suffer when their parents can’t get along.
Maquina-25@reddit
Yup. The optimal divorce rate isn’t 0%.
Amazing_Excuse_3860@reddit
Because a lot of people still don't marry for love and compatability, but because they feel like they "have" to.
Asparagus9000@reddit
It's way lower than it used to be.
It peaked in 1980 and has gone down pretty continuously since.
probsastudent@reddit
I think that’s because it was around that time when divorce was allowed, so all the people who wanted divorce but couldn’t were now able to.
Asparagus9000@reddit
Yeah. But even just the last decade it's still keeps going down.
On average people are getting better at figuring out who to marry.
DIYnivor@reddit
Or maybe fewer people are getting married.
Tommy_Wisseau_burner@reddit
That’s not particularly relevant. More likely it’s people are marrying later and maturing to making good decisions on who to marry rather than marrying for the sake of it or because they fell in love in high school
tu-vens-tu-vens@reddit
The chances of divorce do go back up if you marry after about age 30, though.
LTora213@reddit
That's an anti-gay anti-abortion conservative think tank website with biased resources. You're more likely to get divorced if you marry before your 30s. When people get married in their 30s they're more likely to stay married because they're financially, emotionally, and mentally more secure.
tu-vens-tu-vens@reddit
The source having an ideological slant doesn’t make the point untrue. If you can argue that the methodology is bad or find data that shows the contrary, then I might reevaluate it.
Older people having more financial/emotional/mental security is a good reason for divorce rates going down as marriage age increases. It’s probably the main reason why the slope of the graph is negative until age 30. But there are other factors at play. I can think of plenty of possible reasons why people might be more likely to divorce after age 30. For one, people who marry late might have problems that kept past relationships from progressing to marriage. Another might be that people who wait to get married get more accustomed to singleness and find it easier to return to singleness if the marriage gets rocky.
LTora213@reddit
Kids does matter the slant because none of their statistics are based on real science. Just pseudoscience and homophobia.
tu-vens-tu-vens@reddit
Again, asserting that and proving that are two different things.
In any case, the researcher who conducted this study (Nicholas Wolfinger) has had a multi-decade career as a sociologist at a public university and has written for plenty of mainstream publications, which might be of interest to you if your only criterion for truth is institutional affiliation.
fickystingers@reddit
Yeah, it used to be a lot more common to marry the first person you fell in love with in your early 20s (or even earlier!), then spend the rest of your adult life miserable because you got married too young, too soon, and/or to the wrong person but you weren't able or willing to get divorded. That still happens, of course... But it's at least not as inevitable as it used to be
PartyPorpoise@reddit
That's not relevant when talking about the divorce rate. Unless you're trying to say that people who are unsuited for marriage are just choosing not to marry in the first place these days.
bihari_baller@reddit
I wouldn’t say that. Less marriage means fewer opportunities to get divorced.
PartyPorpoise@reddit
We’re talking about rates, not total numbers.
ObviousSalamandar@reddit
Divorce rates are calculated by comparing them to total marriages
Nuclear_eggo_waffle@reddit
yeah, fewer people getting married means less societal pressure about being married. Less pressure about getting married means fewer shotgun weddings and less people getting married before they're ready, means fewer divorces
Asparagus9000@reddit
Over the last decade, marriage rate has been roughly flat, divorce rate has dropped.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Divorce stats account for married people. Unmarried people aren't accounted.
OkPerformance2221@reddit
Divorce has never been entirely unavailable in the United States, but it was extremely rare until the mid-19th century. The peak era for divorce in the U.S., though, was just after the mid-20th century, when no-fault divorce became available in the 1960s and 70s, with different states adopting it at slightly different times. Not all states adopted it, but anyone who could go rent a room in Reno for six weeks (long enough to claim Nevada residency) could get a no-fault divorce.
moonwillow60606@reddit
Except for SC where divorce was illegal from 1878 - 1949.
My grandmother left my abusive, alcoholic asshole grandfather in 1943 but she couldn’t get a divorce until 1950.
Accomplished_Rush182@reddit
Alimony rates are high and child support is really mom and child support. Child support is usually based off of pre-tax income. Also many, if not all, of our welfare programs incentivize being single. Culture is another big part of it. Many young couples feel pressured to marry if she becomes pregnant. At the same time so much media glorifies promiscuity for both genders. Media heavily pushes abnormally attractive people. This leads people to believe their current spouse is not attractive enough. Really you could write more pages about this than the ACA is written on.
LTora213@reddit
The percentages you google are based on marriages and divorces conducted year by year. You see before the 1970s no-fault divorce was illegal so many women were trapped in abusive marriages. Before the 70s both spouses had to be present in court for a divorce and fault had to be established so if there was no fault you would have to lie to a judge to get a divorce. So when no-fault divorce was legalized nationwide, divorce rates spiked because women were getting the divorces they needed to run from abusive husbands.
The thing is during most marriages, couples can marry too early, slowly grow apart, or a spouse can see their partner's true colors over time. For example, a cousin of mine got married a while back but they got divorced a few years later because they just couldn't connect the way they used to anymore.
And you're most likely to get divorced when you marry younger than 25 because at those ages people are still quite naive to the real world, like they just got out of college and were legally able to buy booze for only a couple of years. It's why so many young women who are coerced into relationships divorce later, because they realize that their partner was being scummy the entire time.
Other times, disagreements pop up that can wreck a marriage. A friend of my older brother was set to get married for quite some time, she was ready to get married because she had her life together, made good money, and was well educated. But she was bent on one thing, NO HAVING KIDS. And her fiance agreed for quite some time until he went to a family reunion and saw his nieces and nephews and did a 180 on having kids. He tried to convince her but she was firm in not having kids. They got into a huge fight about it and as a result, they canceled everything one week before the wedding. If they got married, that argument would've ended in a divorce right away.
It's all about what can happen over time.
Dependent_Ad4598@reddit
Our culture fetishizes getting married over being married. If it's not working like a fantasy (get past the honeymoon phase), people tend to give up. My ex wife did that after 3 years.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
How did it go for 3 years? What went wrong?
Dependent_Ad4598@reddit
She was self centered and immature. I gave and she took. By 3 yrs, she stopped sleeping with me and started hanging out with "friends". Shes dating a friend after our divorce was finalized. I'm working hard now to reestablish myself before I begin dating again. I want a good woman in my life.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Ok. All the best!!!
Dependent_Ad4598@reddit
Thank you. Same to you. Hope I answered your question.
7yearlurkernowposter@reddit
The people who marry for this don’t get divorced.
It’s always bullshit.
CK1277@reddit
I have been a divorce lawyer for almost 20 years, so I’ve given this a LOT of thought. There are divorce trends and you see patterns based on when people get divorced.
0-3 years is the “oh shit” divorce. These are mostly people who were either impulsive in their decision to get married or they lived together for a long time and got married because the relationship was shaky and they were hoping to fix it. A lot of these people knew on the day they got married that they were making a mistake, but it takes them time to decide to shake things up and do something about it.
6-10 years is the general “burn out/dissatisfied with life and wanting to move on before its too late” divorce. This is the most common length of marriage before filing for divorce. They usually have school age kids and more debt than assets. The women usually feel like the men aren’t pulling their weight and they’re burned out on pulling it for them. The men are usually equally unhappy but more willing to stay married at this phase of life because they have more to lose both financially (this demographic usually owns a home, but a 50/50 division of assets is financially devastating) and because most families choose for the mother to take a “mom friendly job,” the dad is more likely to struggle to exercise equal parenting time.
20-25 years is the empty nest or impending empty nest divorce. Usually these people have been living separate but parallel lives for several years. They go all in on their career or all in on their kids and ignore the marriage. Then when the kids are getting ready to leave and they only have each other, they realize they’re no longer compatible.
Cock--Robin@reddit
Because lust is often mistaken for “”love and compatibility “.
Ace_of_Sevens@reddit
High compared to what? Is a lot lower than France, but higher than countries where divorced women have no rights.
Roughneck16@reddit
I should also point out that the statistic is skewed by people who get married and divorced multiple times. I know one woman who’s been divorced four times and married five times. All different men.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Compared to other countries. As per https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography.
Added to the post.
Ace_of_Sevens@reddit
That says the US is below the EU average.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
I never said US is at the top. It is still above other countries(the ones below it). I want to know the cultural reasons.
Plenty-Daikon1121@reddit
High jacking this comment (not to continue any argument, just because it's easy. Also don't mind us combative American's, we've been a bit tense recently with everything).
One thing to keep in mind is these divorce rates include multiple marriages. 43% of 1st marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages, and 75% of 3rd marriages - so those are definitely skewing the average higher than it really is.
I don't think there's any cultural reasons for American divorce rates that differ from other Western Countries. The reason we are slightly lower than the average EU country is likely related to the more religious cultures in certain regions, and slightly higher than other countries because we are comparatively a secular country with fairly equal gender rights.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
We aren’t even close to the top. Did you read the link?
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
I never said US is at the top. It is still above other countries(the ones below it). I want to know the cultural reasons.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
Why us, specifically? Why aren’t you on r/askrussia asking them? Why would you be curious about an entirely normal divorce rate amongst countries? And why are Indians so fixated on this topic in general?
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Because I am studying US culture right now. If I were studying Russia's, I would have posted on Askrussia. What's wrong about asking a question? Feel free to not add anything if you don't want to.
MrLongWalk@reddit
your question seems disingenuous
bunny-hill-menace@reddit
The most populous country has the most divorces. The third most populous has the second highest. The second most populous has arranged marriages and divorce is near forbidden.
cbrooks97@reddit
I'm assuming you're looking for something more profound than "people are stupid in love". People suck at communication and dealing with conflict. Once upon a time divorce was frowned upon and people found ways to work things out. Now they just get a divorce rather than do the hard work.
Most Americans are also terrible with money, which is one of the biggest causes of divorce.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
That was helpful. Thanks.
Gold_Telephone_7192@reddit
Who said Americans marry for love and compatibility lol. Most Americans *try to marry for love. Some marry for lust, or security, or due to societal pressure, or various other reasons. And not many people, American or not, actually think about compatibility. They may say they do and they may attempt to, but the reality is humans are human and fall for people they are incompatible with all the time, all over the world.
Our divorce rates are higher than some countries because we have less societal/religious pressure to not divorce, and we have many laws and social norms that allow women to have an independent life even if they’re not married.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/02/13/love-and-marriage/. Pew is a really popular research org in the US.
Gold_Telephone_7192@reddit
This is a poll based on people’s responses to what’s important in a marriage. Like I said,
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Gotcha. Your response was helpful. Thanks.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
The word “compatibility” doesn’t appear once in that article.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Yeah. Right. It mentions about love though. Compatibility is something I picked by browsing other related questions on this sub. Sexual compatibility seems to be something Americans care about a lot.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
Do you not?
Let’s get this straight: not only do you not want people to get divorced, you expect them to remain married to someone they don’t love, and aren’t even sexually compatible with?
…what’s the point?
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
I do. But I think love and compatibility are things one figures out before marriage; which ideally should not lead to a divorce. Hence, my question.
anneofgraygardens@reddit
but people can change and no longer be compatible.
I'm just thinking of a friend of mine who married a really nice guy (so I thought). They had a super fun wedding and I was sure they'd be married for the rest of their lives. Within five years their marriage had collapsed in flames and he revealed had himself to be a truly terrible person. (Like, he went to prison for committing a serious crime, he wasn't just a jerk.)
It's hard to predict how things will go in life sometimes.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
For your example, I wouldn't say they were no longer compatible. I would say they weren't compatible in the first place.
My opinion is that compatibility is a real thing and something that cannot change much. Something like DNA. DNA can mutate but most of it remains the same.
anneofgraygardens@reddit
that sounds pretty mystical. I personally don't believe in the supernatural. It's much more plausible to me that people change throughout their lives and sometimes partnerships (and platonic friendships) are best ended.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Oh. I don't think it's supernatural. I think it's natural that hasn't been discovered yet.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Right. It's anecdotal and merely "opinion". It's probably like introversion and extroversion. If you have read on introversion, it's something you were born with.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
Why do you think compatibility is a static thing?
thatsad_guy@reddit
Because people change and they are free to choose divorce
UnluckyRMDW@reddit
Shitty answer
shelwood46@reddit
Better than choosing murder.
MrLongWalk@reddit
how?
dangleicious13@reddit
How is that a shitty answer?
thatsad_guy@reddit
cool
genuinecve@reddit
Fwiw I thought it was a good answer
thatsad_guy@reddit
Lol, I appreciate it
AToastedRavioli@reddit
It’s entirely true lol
ICantGetNoS@reddit
Anyone that marries thinking their spouse will never change is a fool.
Namez83@reddit
Love is fleeting.
mp85747@reddit
That's because it often is lust, not love... Love takes support, patience, understanding, respect, compromise. It's something you must have the willingness and commitment to build, keep and treasure. Many of us have our egos and impatience in the way and marriages turn into power battles...
No-fault divorce didn't help, either. While some people ARE in really abusive relationships they need to get out of, it gave the majority a very quick and convenient escape. Such decisions shouldn't be taken so quickly and lightly, but people do just because they can. I'm sure there are many regrets because of that as well.
SteveCastGames@reddit
Plenty of countries have a higher divorce rate than the US for what it’s worth.
mp85747@reddit
I looked at that table. A lot of countries look plain scary, particularly Spain - 84%!!! And Luxemburg, and quite a few others. And they don't get married, either, so almost all marriages end in divorce. I almost wonder if it's really that bad or something is really skewed... Perhaps Spain's exceptionally high and chronic youth unemployment rate has something to do with it... That's not recent. I was in the French Riviera in 2012 and half of the waiters were from Spain even back then.
RunTellNoOne@reddit
The divorce rate has dropped. Marriage rates have held steady in the past decade. The United States doesn’t anywhere near the highest divorce rate. It’s higher than the world average but not the highest. Russia has the highest according to the Wikipedia link.
Education plays a factor. The more educated a couple they tend to get married later.
I wonder if image is playing a role. I don’t think that the American divorce rate is high. It’s definitely lower than it was in the past.
Divorce exists but is it this rampant problem in America? I don’t think so.
Vixter4@reddit
Lots of reasons.
infidelity is sky-high right now with American society being as hyper-sexualized as it has ever been
people falling in love for superficial reasons that either change, or believing things they don't like in their partner will eventually change
believing a relationship is only about romance instead of the ability to learn how to live with someone you want to call your partner
RunTellNoOne@reddit
Infidelity isn’t new.
Brother_To_Coyotes@reddit
Cultural degradation + a family law system that can directly benefit one of the parties when they leave.
The divorce rate has gone down a little because the marriage rate has gone down.
https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2020/12/united-states-marriage-and-divorce-rates-declined-last-10-years.html
Who knows what will happen long term.
webbess1@reddit
Because the freedom to choose your spouse also means you're free to leave/divorce your spouse. It all follows from freedom.
Bluemonogi@reddit
People don’t just marry for love here. For people who do, sometimes people just change- or they were wrong about each other in the first place.
The divorce rate may be higher because people can divorce. There really isn’t much stigma about it these days.
MarcusAurelius0@reddit
There's no book on making a good marriage.
People change as they grow, you have to be willing to grow with someone and love them as they grow.
TheBimpo@reddit
People change, priorities change, the pressures of life change, relationships change. If your relationship is the same 50 years later as it was the day it started, you haven't grown a bit as people. Sometimes people are able to change together, sometimes they're not.
Every relationship is different.
Deolater@reddit
The main reasons our divorce rate is high are:
Our marriage rate is high relative to similarly liberal countries - can't divorce if you don't marry
Our divorce laws are permissive compared to many countries, even highly comparable countries like the UK
I think marrying "for love and compatibility", as you put it, doesn't really protect from divorce if there isn't commitment and community support/pressure
Adjective-Noun123456@reddit
We're a country of over 330 million people. People get married for every reason you could possibly imagine.
spaghettibolegdeh@reddit
Because a lot of people believe marriage and love is about your feelings.
But it's a life-long contract that you commit to each other until either of you die.
So, people get married without thinking about what a long-term commitment looks like.
The term "falling out of love" sums up the issue people have with marriage.
We love our spouse until we don't feel like it anymore, and many people enter marriage knowing in the back of their mind that they can escape via divorce pretty easily.
I've been married around 20 years now. I simply do not see divorce as an option for me. I don't want it, and I never do.
If my marriage sucks, then I'll fix it. I made a vow to maintain my marriage until I die. My spouse made the same vow, so they have to keep their end of the deal.
If my spouse fails, then I must try and help them stay committed.
If I fail, then my spouse must help me stay committed.
If either of us cheat, then we will fix it.
Otherwise, if our marriage sucks then we can just be miserable until either of us dies. It's our best interest to keep our marriage healthy as we promised to never get divorced.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
…what the fuck? How do you “fix” a cheating spouse?
spaghettibolegdeh@reddit
Or the marriage will suffer. You also promise you keep your end of the deal when you get married.
It depends on why they cheated in the first place. Affairs are always from a breakdown of communication. The person who is tempted to cheat should be able to express this to their partner, and communicate about why they want to abandon their wedding vows.
You can easily fix a marriage where an affair happens if you can treat the root cause.
Affairs don't just magically happen. They are always because of a hidden issue that the person is dealing with, and not communicating to their partner.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
Again, how would you resolve a situation where the spouse has already cheated?
spaghettibolegdeh@reddit
I can't answer that without more context.
Did someone cheat because there wasn't enough sex in their marriage?
Did they cheat because of a porn/sex addiction?
Was it a drunken fling? Or is it a secret partner? Work colleague? Random person at a party?
Are there other issues in the marriage too?
Did the person who cheat feel as if their partner stopped loving them?
Is there past trauma?
How healthy is their marriage sex life in general?
How open are they when they discuss their feelings, money and sex?
And most importantly, how willing are these two people to work through this situation?
I simply cannot give a blanket fix for an affair as there are so many factors.
But, it absolutely can be worked through and I know many married couples who overcame issues of an affair.
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
Let’s say it’s this one, how would you resolve this without divorce?
spaghettibolegdeh@reddit
Well if we both have the same hypothetical couple in our minds....
I would want to know how both people feel their sex life is going in their marriage.
Often, one partner will be feeling unloved due to lack of intimacy (not just sex), and the other person is completely unaware and thinks everything is great.
Neither of these people are bad, but they both see their marriage differently.
If this isn't communicated, then the person feeling unloved will often seek affection elsewhere.
The person desiring affection isn't a bad person And the person oblivious is also not a bad person
So, assuming they both want to keep the marriage alive after the affair. They would both need to create new habits around taking time to talk about how they feel the marriage is going.
I see a lot of men who are ashamed that they desire more intimacy in their relationship. Not just sex, but hugs and even head scratches.
A lot of men hide that they feel unloved, and will seek comfort elsewhere. Drinking, porn, food, and affairs.
This happens with women too, but I just see it more often with men.
It takes time to build trust again after an affair. But they would need to sit down and work out a strategy for managing this issue, and foster an openness for both people to express their desires to each other.
There's nothing wrong with wanting sex. But you have to constantly communicate in marriage, otherwise resentment will build and you start lashing out to claim "what you deserve".
I have gone through years of no sex in marriage, because my partner has fallen ill or started medication that destroyed their libido. And sometimes you just get tired and busy.
It was OK as long as we talked through when either of us was struggling in that area. We promised to never shame each other, and try to at least cuddle often. It's pretty alarming how quickly you drift away when you stop hugging or have any physical intimacy.
Anyway I'm probably rambling now.
UnfairHoneydew6690@reddit
That just reads like a list of excuses
spaghettibolegdeh@reddit
I guess people can't have struggles then
Sleepygirl57@reddit
Well my divorce was because we got married way to young. He was 21 I was 19. We were married for 18 yrs and by that age we wanted different things.
I also think people tend to get married to fast. I know a couple that got married after just 3 months and man were they miserable. They finally got divorced.
Quirky_Breakfast_574@reddit
I didn’t divorce but I did call off my engagement to my long time boyfriend/fiance/owned a home together/in deep type of shit. People told me I was brave. That making the choice to be happy and not settle was important. People want to marry for loved but people can change. I think over time trends are changing and people aren’t getting married quickly like they used to. In the same vein, if you did, and you realize that person isn’t who you thought/incompatible, the American culture is very accepting of divorce. Life is fleeting and you only get one is a big philosophy here. There are factors that impact divorce rates though and also coincide with socioeconomic factors. The United States is a vast country. Not every state or city has many eligible bachelors. There’s a level, at least in the country, of “trying to make it work”. A square peg in a round hole may seem like an obvious reason not to get married, but if you weren’t exposed to other shapes, you may realize that too late
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Makes sense. But how can you know if you have been exposed to all shapes? Is it that easy to date people in the US?
StarSpangleBRangel@reddit
How hard is it to date people in India?
pfta4@reddit
Freedom. Our culture puts individualism on a pedestal. So we can do whatever the hell we want. Other countries have a sense of familial shame or cultural shame or think divorce is a failure or whatever. We think it's just fine to do whatever you want.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
Because people can have toxic traits and you shouldn’t stay married to them once they start acting like that.
Everyone I know who has been married over 20 years has been through major broken vow drama that I would not tolerate- I would divorce. But they stay because it’s cheaper, it’s less embarrassing, they get to keep their house, and it’s too scary to “start over”.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
What is "vow drama"?
NYSenseOfHumor@reddit
Marrying for love and compatibility doesn’t mean the people chose someone who they really love and are really compatible with.
Just that they thought they were in love and compatible.
fokkerhawker@reddit
We marry for love and compatibility, but we’re really bad at determining what that means.
SnooBeans1976@reddit (OP)
Could you elaborate on that? How do parents/society teach these concepts to young Americans?
SnooRadishes7189@reddit
The other thing to add to the mix is the ease of divorce in the U.S.. compared to some cultures. In the U.S. either partner can star the divorce process. If children are involved the mother(usually but this is something a court will determine) can get child support from the father(or the mother sometimes).
Of course there are problems here with dead beat dads in terms of child support but due to computers anytime he works anything above the table(i.e. a regular job) she can get a lean on his paycheck or take him to court for missed payments and if she is on welfare the government will be on the look out for his new job (to get her off welfare).
Finally divorce in the U.S. is no fault. No need to prove adultery, abandonment, or abuse.
wormbreath@reddit
Because people are free to leave unhappy marriages. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Less people in marriages they don’t wanna be in.
bunny-hill-menace@reddit
Where are you getting your statistics that the divorce rate is high?
Traditional_Ant_2662@reddit
It's about to stop. No fault divorce is on the radar, so women will have to stay married.
ehs06702@reddit
Marriage rates will crater as soon as that happens.
Rhino-Man@reddit
Based on friends I know, a huge reason was marrying too soon. Is some circumstances the idea of who their spouse was was different than reality.
Another huge reason is that people grow. gradually they want different things from life and one drifts away.
quokkaquarrel@reddit
Takes a lot of work to make it work
livelongprospurr@reddit
I've been together with my third husband for almost 40 years now, but I did have two earlier ones. And to quote Tanya Tucker, "I had more boyfriends than most people had hot meals" there for a while. For me it was a matter of aging into what I was going to be and knowing what I needed and then finding it. Takes a while. It was so worth it, though.
MackSeaMcgee@reddit
Because they can.
JimJam4603@reddit
Because we can. A woman doesn’t need a man to bring home the bacon, a man doesn’t need a woman to keep house. We are self-sufficient enough that we’d rather be alone than unhappily married. I personally am neither of those things.
TsundereLoliDragon@reddit
Because as soon you're married, everybody knows it's nothing but puppies and rainbows until you die.
The divorce rate is probably only this high because there's no real stigma around it. Same with going to a therapist.
geekycurvyanddorky@reddit
The divorce rate counts the marriages that last only once, and counts the divorced people for every single divorce they have, so honestly you should take divorce rates with a grain of salt… because some people marry and divorce multiple times (I know two people that have been divorced more than 5x, but are currently in 20 year old marriages); and not everyone is actually marrying because they love each other. Many couples get married because of societal pressures or because of failed birth control. There are a lot more factors at play that need to be considered to really understand what’s going on.
Opportunity_Massive@reddit
Love and compatibility are not static, and some people are also pretty bad at figuring out who would make a good partner for them. Also, some people do bad things and their partners decir to leave them, and I think they should be able to do that. If you combine all of that, you get divorced. Personally, I don’t think divorces are necessarily a big societal problem.
MuchDevelopment7084@reddit
Because lust is often confused with love. And compatibility usually means we got along enough for sex.
Then Wham. The honeymoon is over; and you realize your spouse is a lazy, slob.
IsawitinCroc@reddit
The cultural shift.
Autodidact2@reddit
One big reason is the large number of conservative Christians who marry very young because they think it prevents them from sinning. Unfortunately, these young marriages tend to end in divorce at a higher rate.
SnooCompliments6210@reddit
Because we have a lot of Protestants
BaseballNo916@reddit
How do divorce rates in the US compare to other countries, excepting countries where divorce is difficult to get or highly looked down upon? Like how does the US compare to Canada or Australia? I doubt the US rate is unusually high.
STL-Raven@reddit
I think it's largely because people can get divorced here and still maintain themselves and be ok. In many other countries - especially where people don't usually marry for love - if people get divorced it can damage reputation so much that they are screwed in some way. I think this is especially true for women in said countries
PartyPorpoise@reddit
Yeah, unless you're in a very religious community, divorce isn't ultra stigmatized in the US.
SnooRevelations979@reddit
Love is fleeting.
limbodog@reddit
Because women are not required to stay with their abusers anymore. Also, I believe you'll find it is a smaller percentage of people getting married and divorced multiple times that are throwing off the numbers.
jackfaire@reddit
The divorce rate is artificially high because people include the stats from when no fault divorce was legalized. It's not actually that high. Divorce is down because women are finding less that they don't have to marry just to have access to resources now that they can supply their own.
So less people jump into inadvisable marriages.
Hikinghawk@reddit
Consider the following: Albert marries and never divorces. Bill marries and divorces 4 times. The divorce rate is 80% in this sample. An extreme illustration, but anecdotally the people I know who are divorced, have divorced before, the people I know who haven't divorced have never divorced before.
People are allowed to change their minds and grow apart. Sure its not the ideal fairytale of marriage, but its better than being stuck.
Impudentinquisitor@reddit
The divorce rate for the Baby Boomers was really high, but it’s been dropping steadily for every generation since and is now pretty low for millennials and Gen Z (so far).
More broadly the answer to your question: humans rarely know what we want or need before it’s too late.
Nonetheless, you have to be able to expose a vulnerable heart voluntarily in order to truly experience the wonders of love and life that remind you that we all have a spark of the divine within us.
OkPerformance2221@reddit
The divorce rate in the United States is not all that high, and it varies greatly, geographically.
Some interesting comparisons:
https://divorce.com/blog/divorce-rates-in-the-world/
mugenhunt@reddit
The divorce rate is high mainly because we have some people who keep getting married and get divorced and get married and get divorced and get married and get divorced...
There are people who rush into relationships, thinking this time will be different, and then realize it's not, get divorced, fall in love again, rush to get married...
The other issue here is simply that people are often bad judges of who they will be compatible with. You don't always know everything about a person before you marry them.
exhausted-caprid@reddit
Because we have the choice to. Most cultures that don’t marry for love also have massive social stigma around divorce, so even if your spouse is abusive or you just hate being around each other, it can be really hard to leave. Americans can leave bad marriages, even if the definition of bad is as simple as “we aren’t happy together anymore, and we be happier separate from each other”. People change, people have the freedom to go their own way, and hence, higher divorce rates.
Word2DWise@reddit
Because love takes non-stop hard fucking work and people these days are lazy.
HeimLauf@reddit
Love and compatibility can change over time. Someone who seemed perfect for you can be really different in a few years.
Current_Poster@reddit
As an older guy on the internet (I was around before Eternal September), I don't say this enough, but I'm grateful today for a useful meme: Divocres Georg skews the average.
cheetuzz@reddit
Divorce is considered a regular life event, not something very shameful.
Wooden-Glove-2384@reddit
because people are stupid and divorce is easy