ULPT Request: How to get fired without underperforming so I can receive unemployment?

I was referring to "Ain't pretty out there right now bro." Everybody is hiring electricians where I'm at, so your blanket statement isn't true for everywhere. No need to be pessimistic.

[-]

Skeggy-@reddit

Okay, we still don’t know what op does. Hence the suggestion to check it out themselves before ending employment.

Way to turn a tip into something negative.

[-]

daddy_vanilla@reddit

Everybody wants to blame "the job market" but nobody can blame themselves for being unmarketable...

[-]

daddy_vanilla@reddit

My job market is pretty, since yours isn't you should work on improving yourself.

[-]

Skeggy-@reddit

Who said mine isn’t?

I’m also in the trades bud. 6 figures and a felon. I have no problem marketing myself.

The advice as for OP. Not some twat who somehow got offended lol

[-]

I assumed yours isn't because you said the job market is scary, hence it would be hard to find a job. I assumed you said that from personal experience. Definitely not offended, just pointing out your negative outlook on the job market isn't actually representative of the job market.

[-]

Skeggy-@reddit

Looking at what’s available before trying to get fired is isn’t negative advice…

It doesn’t take a genius to be aware of layoffs are going around in tech, finance, manufacturing, and retail. Or to follow other subs on Reddit that are job related.

You’re making a lot of assumptions off “ain’t pretty out there right now”. Scroll up bro, told op to check his LOCAL job listings. You’re taking “see what’s available first” and turning it into “omg it’s scary out there everywhere”

[-]

TotoBaldwin@reddit

FMLA + Short Term Disability + doctors note recommending you work no more than 60% of your normal hours.

Optional to take it as intermittent FMLA and disability so that you are working at let’s say 25 hours. After the 12 week period they may reassess and if you can’t work more than 25 they may see that as reasonable grounds for letting you go

[-]

SensationalSavior@reddit

I'm still "technically' employed by an employer from 7 years ago. Workplace accident, filed an injury report. They didn't want to do workers comp, so they paid for my MRI. Then as SOON as the mri results came back, they tried some fuckery. Grabbed a workers comp lawyer, got the vp of the president involved directly(I had his number), got put on FMLA. Took STD, morphed into LTD, and workers comp payments for 2 years. Once the workers comp was done, they never fired me. My login info still works, my company credit card is still active. They won't return my phone calls or emails lmao.

Been with my new employer in the same industry for 5 years, and the GM hates my previous company and told me to milk that for all it's worth.

[-]

DarthMaulATAT@reddit

I don't really get it. What are you "milking" from your previous employer? Surely they're not letting you charge the card and just paying it off?

[-]

SensationalSavior@reddit

Employer paid health insurance.

[-]

Ashamed_Version9661@reddit

Uhm. How do you have an active credit card from 7+ years?

[-]

SensationalSavior@reddit

They sent me one 4 years ago?

[-]

pseudotsugamenziessi@reddit

Do you receive a pay cheque still? Or just the credit card

[-]

SensationalSavior@reddit

Just the card. The company issued cell phone from that employer is tied to that card, but the phone is still active and the card gets charged every month. The phones sitting in a Faraday bag cause those fuckers aren't gonna track me if they aren't paying me.

[-]

Orangeshowergal@reddit

Yeah this is best of both worlds. Some HR are too scared to fire and will let you milk it

[-]

TecN9ne@reddit

Go on STD, then LTD for mental health issues. Keep collecting those paychecks before they terminate you and then you can go on EI, too.

[-]

stevemajor@reddit

Convert to islam and start praying five times a day. Maybe they'll fire you and you can sue them for discrimination.

[-]

Anony-mouse420@reddit

Convert to islam and start praying five times a day

There are actually 6 daily prayers in Islam, but the sixth is optional in the Sunni strain. The Shia strain considers 3 optional.

[-]

therapistmurderteam@reddit

Shia is like the Mormon version of Islam lol

[-]

Anony-mouse420@reddit

Pretty much!

[-]

Berzerkly@reddit

here's an instructional video:

https://youtu.be/eOOa9G1tIXY?si=q0vEOmwAJcndrMcU

[-]

SaysPooh@reddit

Teach your other colleagues how to do your job. Spread your skills it over several colleagues and then explain to your boss how you are no longer needed

[-]

Anon_bastard@reddit

Look your boss straight in the eye with big smile and loudly shit yourself. Repeat until goal achieved.

[-]

ItPutsLotionOnItSkin@reddit

I got laid off because of "Reduction in Workforce " every day I reported a safety issue they couldn't fix because they were being cheap. It's been 3 months and I still get unemployment.

[-]

CatfishMcCoy@reddit

Mutual Separation Agreement

[-]

AmsterdamBM@reddit

Microwave fish for lunch every single day.

[-]

shwilliams4@reddit

OP works from home

[-]

mikebrown33@reddit

If your boss or anyone in mgt mentions relationship issues or asks for advice about ‘what to get my wife for her birthday’ the answer is always ‘suggest a threesome’

[-]

XeroXtraGD@reddit

are you sure it will be easy to seek alternative employment?

[-]

Outrageous-Week-8552@reddit

Have sex with your boss’s dad

[-]

DaLurker87@reddit

Maybe start talking about politics/ the other divisive issues going on right now loudly with coworkers

[-]

BAT123456789@reddit

This one is so easy. Just start talking to all of your coworkers about starting a union. You will be fired without cause immediately!

[-]

Specialist-Desk3969@reddit

When someone threatens to sue the company, don’t immediately tell them you can’t speak with them, they have to go through the companies lawyers. Continue talking with them, go for lunch break, come back lose job.

And that’s how I learned to never cover for the receptionist

[-]

Lampadas_Horde@reddit

What the fuck

[-]

nochinzilch@reddit

Invent a family or health problem and ask them to lay you off.

[-]

KinkMountainMoney@reddit

Liquid ass every time you visit the restroom for a week. Next week spray it on the bottoms of your shoes then walk around the whole office. Piss disc in the copier at the end of the day. Escalate as desired.

Second option: stage a psychotic break. Strip down and smear yourself with Vaseline. Put on pig nose and ears. Hit an important meeting full speed on all fours. Once they get you to the emergency department, claim stress from work made you crack up. Immediately claim disability, ptsd, and possible frotteurism.

[-]

LocalInactivist@reddit

Demand to work from home full time. Do your job and get things done, but do it in a way that’s difficult to handle. Disappear for hours a day and do the work after hours. Adopt eye-rolling as your standard reaction to everything. Basically, have a lousy attitude. Don’t give management anything they can point to as a task you haven’t accomplished or anything you’ve actually done wrong. You won’t get severance, but you’ll get unemployment.

Before you do all that, be very sure that this is what you want. The economy is tanking and it may not be easy to find a new job. Also, if the company does layoffs you might get turned loose with a severance package and still get unemployment.

[-]

Wonk0theSANE@reddit

Fuck your boss’s wife

[-]

supremefiction@reddit

This is real easy. Tell your boss you have some ideas to improve efficiency and accountability. And you plan to discuss them with his boss and the CEO.

[-]

I_Am_Mandark_Hahaha@reddit

Not what you want to hear but what the fuck? Just fucking loon for another job and resign AFTER securing anew job. You're highly valued. I'm sure you're gonna get a pay bump at another company. Unemployment on the other hand will give you lower than what you're getting presently.

Also, use your boss as a reference . He may just fire you anyway after an HR person contacts him.

[-]

awjre@reddit

The completely unethical thing to do is get another job...and then resign. Really show them how much happier and better paid you will be.

[-]

BourbonSucks@reddit

reported, rule 1

[-]

ToeProfessional7553@reddit

And the real world, this would be the morale logical thing to do, but under this climate Him resigning, get in a better paying job. Is virtually impossible

[-]

Bluemanuap@reddit

Take your boss's daughter to a strip club. Hit on his wife on Facebook off hours.

[-]

Bill_Nye_1955@reddit

Leave without telling anyone at an inconvenient time (for them) and call your boss from the car saying you're sick and have to go home. If they fire you then you can appeal their decision to not pay unemployment and have a decent shot at winning. I did this

[-]