I’m not a dog person (please read the full post). How do I learn to like my dog more?

Posted by asterallt@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 42 comments

I’ve never liked dogs. Not scared of them; I just find them annoying. We have three cats and they’re cool. But six years ago I relented to my wife and kids who had been wanting a dog for YEARS. Finally said ‘ok’ but was clear I wasn’t happy about it. I know I should have stuck to my guns but they all wanted one so much and they love her to bits. So it seemed selfish to just say no. But I still don’t love the dog to bits. Every time she barks it makes the hair on my body stand on end. I HATE it. She’s not even a barky dog but when she does bark, I lose it. She has no recall for me because I’ve never spent any time trying to understand her. Because being around her makes me so desperately, desperately unhappy. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I’m almost certain that not having her around would make me a happier person. If she stays with wider family when we’re on holiday, that day that she’s not here when we get home, I’m SO happy. I know this makes me an arsehole. I’m sure people will tell me I’ve not spent any time with her so how can I expect to have a relationship with her. Everyone else in the family loves and looks after her; there’s no burden on me to look after her. I just find everything about her winds me up. I’m just hoping there’s someone else out there that reads this and says ‘have you tried this?’. Because at the moment I’m Googling ‘Shih Tzu lifespan’ and thinking ‘ok, only a maximum 10 more years’. I’m sure there are dog-lovers out there who will hate me and that’s fine - everyone’s different and that’s cool. But I’m really keen to hear from anyone that’s not a dog lover but has an ok relationship with their dog. Thanks all.

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42 Comments

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Ill-Basil2863@reddit

I'm sure the dog hates you more.

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

I haven’t said I hate her. I said I hate the barking that sets me on edge. I’ve largely said she makes me unhappy. But thanks for your input.

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DearDegree7610@reddit

They don’t call them SHITtzu for nothing mate! 😂 annoying little dogs when they want to be, but soft as anything, if you can build a bit of rapport with it, relationship will develop very quickly, this time next year you’ll be frustrated with her in the same way you are with wife and kids 😂👍

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Icy-Giraffe2689@reddit

Rightly so!

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P2P-BSH@reddit

>I’m sure people will tell me I’ve not spent any time with her so how can I expect to have a relationship with her. Everyone else in the family loves and looks after her; there’s no burden on me to look after her. I just find everything about her winds me up. You know what the answer, you just can't be bothered to do it.

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

It’s quite hard to build yourself up for something that makes you actually depressed. Just looking at her brings me down.

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DearDegree7610@reddit

Mate I am an absolute dog fanatic, but we ended up with 5 in our house at one point (Mrs is a dog trainer and we rehab dangerous dogs who are about to be put down but could defo be trained out of their learned bad behaviour) I understand exactly the emotion you’re describing. People will give you shit on here but take it from someone who LIVES AND BREATHES dog life, it doesn’t make you a shit person, and you’re not the only one. If it’s making your this miserable, and you’re looking a 10 YEARS, you’re gonna need to bite the bullet and engage with it. My suggestion would be to seek a professional trainer using a balanced method (not force free nonsense or compulsion training) and maybe build a relationship with the dog through improving its behaviour. If it’s not something you can afford, try spending time alone with it, give it crisps and bits of sandwiches, sit on sofa alone with it when everyone else is in bed and actively try and build a rapport with it. We’re tied to them in a weird, ancient way, sooner or later you’ll learn what dog love is all about. I’ve got a big pit bull who came from travellers who were fighting him, he was a fucking maniac. My best mate HATED dogs when he first met him. My dog over the course of about 18 months won him over - now he’s got a frenchy and pocket bully. Where are you? How old is dog?

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P2P-BSH@reddit

Because you do nothing to build a relationship with the dog.

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Sea-Still5427@reddit

You're expressing some very strong feelings in your posts and the comments, much more than 'not a dog person' would suggest. Do you know where the feeling comes from? Like bad last experiences, parents who were negative about dogs etc?

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Laneacaia@reddit

I don't like them either. And I don't like being treated as an emotionally stunted person because of it. I'm not mean to dogs or anything, I'd just rather not be within 10 feet of one. I'm happy for people who are happy to like dogs. But we're not all the same and it would be a crappier world if we were.

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Flat_Development6659@reddit

OP actually is emotionally stunted though. He bought a dog, then proceeded to not be involved in the training or maintenance of it to the point where they don't get along. He "loses it" when it barks and has been made "desperately unhappy" by it.

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

Mate I’m emotionally all over the shop and it ain’t just because of the dog :)

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Sir-Craven@reddit

This is your chance to lean into the dog. Dogs are very VERY present focused. They don't think about tomorrow or ruminate about yesterday. Everyday is a new day and a chance to get the most out of it. I would stop thinking about what the dog does or doesn't do for you and enter their world. Find out what makes them tick and then be that. Be that for them and you will see what they can do for you. Stop expecting the dog to be something or do something for you. You have to earn that right. Earn their trust and their love, and they will open doors for you that you never knew were shut.

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breathanddrishti@reddit

presumably you didn't go out and get one tho

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Laneacaia@reddit

No, but I look after my brother's two when he goes away. They get well looked after despite my aversion. But I'm always glad when he gets back.

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ScientistJo@reddit

Before you can "like the dog more", you're going to have to stop actively hating it. Do you hate the dog, or are you pissed off at yourself for agreeing to something you didn't want because it made other family members happy? It's not like the classic getting a dog for the kids and then you're lumbered looking after it. The dog needs nothing from you, and yet it seems its every move pisses you off.

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

Think you’re probably right about being active in that sense. I’m not pissed off at myself for agreeing to it. I can see how much the kids and my wife love her and I wouldn’t want that taken away from them. I’ve just never really felt like this about something before, such indifference and ‘meh’ towards her apart from when she starts barking and it raises my hackles (that’s a really instinctive response, I don’t actually think I can do much about that initial response mechanism).

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ScientistJo@reddit

In addition to saying you lose it every time it barks, you also say being around it makes you desperately, desperately unhappy, and you're Googling how long it might live. That is a long way past "indifference and 'meh'".

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

You’re right. Some of the answers in the post have been useful. Will try and spend more one on one time with her.

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ScientistJo@reddit

Good luck!

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Warm-Marsupial8912@reddit

There's a bloke at mantrailing (think search and rescue for fun)who very, very reluctantly came with his wife and their lhaso also for an introductory session. He could see no point to the dog at all, it was his wife's dog. Until that morning when he saw him work, began to hear a bit of science about how scent moves, the impact of weather...now training to be an instructor and wants to work with dogs full time.

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

That’s cool. Weirdly I used to work with working dogs (long time ago in law enforcement) and loved working with them because they had a purpose. Think that might be part of the problem, I can’t see any point in trying to change how I feel (when I do with every other element of my life if I’m unhappy). Maybe I’ll have a read about the science side of it; that’s actually not a bad shout.

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Mindless_Count5562@reddit

What purpose do your cats serve? Seems like a bit of a weird reason to not like a dog when cats are infinitely more aloof

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

For me, the cats are just a presence when I’m at home alone; they sit with you, sometimes come and say hello but largely do their own thing. But they’re around and chilled. I feel like the dog is more of an aware being so I feel like I need to do more with her. And because she makes me so unhappy I probably resent having to spend time thinking about her. I know that’s not very nice but after six years I’m kind of at my wits’ end.

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Mindless_Count5562@reddit

Tbh mate it kinda sounds like you’ve made your bed, and you can either now lie in it as it is and hate it, or try and find some sort of positive in the relationship with your dog. And it is a relationship, you might not like her and she will be able to tell that and recognise that you don’t give her time / care - it’s hard to think fondly of something you’ve never had good times with, do you like walking, fishing, anything outdoorsy you can take her on with you to bond? Sounds like the situation isn’t going to change, so if you want a different result then you’re going to have to bring and be the change.

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farraigemeansthesea@reddit

it doesn't make you a bad person to know you prefer cats and not dogs. We're in the exact same position as you now, having given in to the pressure to get a dog for the kids, but we've never really taken to him. He's made everyone's life, especially the cats', a misery. My advice would be to be kind to the dog, enjoy others' enjoyment of her, and go through the motions of doing doggy stuff with her. If you pet her and throw a stick followed by an enthusiastic scratch this is what she'll be grateful for. Anything else is extra.

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WittyLanguage5172@reddit

I have the exact same issue. I rescued 2 dogs from an irresponsible breeder and while I was happy to make sure they're safe, I flipping hate them. Their smell, the way the follow you around, the way they always want food, the fact that they poo and wee indiscriminately. I have never see my 3 cat's poos or wees, they eat at their dinner times and they come for a cuddle once a day. Trying to find a good family for these pups but until then I tolerate and loathe

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Lisboa1967Hoops@reddit

You're going to have to do something to try to bond with the dog. If your wife and kids have loved it for 6 years then rehoming isn't going to be an option. I don't really have much advice other than maybe walking the dog if you don't already or maybe play with it with it's toys. If it's picked up on your unease then maybe try to do this with another family member until hopefully you and the dog build some sort of bond. I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking dogs each to their own but it was a big mistake to get the dog assuming you knew how much it would irritate you before you got it.

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Dopey_Armadillo_4140@reddit

I adore my dogs and also I am aware of their lifespan. There are ways in which they limit your freedom and just add an extra layer of effort and repetition to every day which can get tiresome. And there are ways in which they enhance your life (they’re the only reason I get fresh air some days). I love having them and I look forward to some day not having dogs.

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Dopey_Armadillo_4140@reddit

I adore my dogs and also I am aware of their lifespan. There are ways in which they limit your freedom and just add an extra layer of effort to the day. And there are ways in which they enhance your life. I love having them and I look forward to some day not having dogs.

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IllustriousEbb5839@reddit

Absolute nightmare, dogs are annoying AF! Better hire a trainer to see if you can stop the barking…..

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FriendlyGhost15@reddit

Could you spend some time with the dog one on one? Maybe go away for a nice long walk or hike one day...somewhere a bit further afield so that it's interesting for both you and the dog. Or maybe you could spend some time teaching the dog something? I know you said you've had the dog for six years so I'm sure she knows all the basic commands, but perhaps there's still a command you could teach her using either toys or food as a reward for progress (whatever motivates her).

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

Good call. I’m working from home tomorrow, I’ll take her up to the hills and have a long walk. Thank you.

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Scared_Albatross9521@reddit

Go get yourself some big raptor.

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DogtasticLife@reddit

Dogs are half mirror half sponge, they absorb and reflect. They read our energy so this dog knows you don’t like her and probably doesn’t see you as safe to be around. So either you carry on keeping your distance or you make an effort. The making an effort involves you seeing her as an individual with a distinct personality, believe me they are all different. Try seeing what she likes, is she toy/play motivated, or food motivated. You can only form a bond by being involved but that’s up to you.

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

You know what I’m like with that every other relationship in life so I don’t know why I’m not with the dog. I totally get what you’re saying. This is the sort of shit I need to hear, thank you.

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Zs93@reddit

This is a tough one. Either you try to form a bond with this dog or accept you will be miserable for the next ten or more years. I’m not a dog fan and I will never ever get one, it’s essentially a family member and not something you can just “ignore”. I’d try and spend a week alone with the dog or something to force yourself to spend time with her. Hope you find a solution!

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asterallt@reddit (OP)

Actually spending a bit of time alone with her is probably a great shout. Maybe I’ll try and do a weekend with her or something. Thank you.

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idontlikemondays321@reddit

You’re not an arsehole. You were clear you didn’t want a dog and so it’s on them to look after her, which they luckily have. I’d feel the same. I hate barking and have never felt anything other than indifference at best for dogs. I don’t think you can force yourself to feel differently. You just now know that on future it’s probably not a great idea

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sicksquid75@reddit

Lol, we have a shih tzu as well, i hate the fact he sleeps in the house. Every so often he’ll piss or shit on the kitchen floor, it drives me fuckn insane. I honestly feel like killing him. Lil fucker. In saying that there are times i like bringing him with me in the jeep or going for walks across the countryside. But when he dies im not sure id want another dog, theyre a bit of a hassle i feel.

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Illustrious-Log-3142@reddit

A relationship with a pet is a 2 way thing.

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