ULPT: If a computer illiterate relative/friend asks you to fix their slow computer, boost their cursor speed by a notch or two. They’ll instantly notice a difference and thank you!

I will be boring but if you are changing settings for your buddy anyway: Windows: 1. If they are using windows 7 tell them to install linux if their old hardware can't handle it, or windows 10. Sticking to windows 7 is participation in things like hospitals getting taken out because someone found five thousand guys with an obsolete OS that isn't properly security updated and they decided to kill some people in Bulgaria just because they can't realistically be caught. Happens more than you'd wanna know. 2. Make sure the powerplan is the least environmentally friendly one, as environmentally friendly in windows sales speech is just not using your processor all the way. Speaking of processor, turn off "quick start" or whatever its called, its code word for "never turn off". 3. Stop the 15 apps that's on autostart which your friend forgets in tray from autostarting with the PC. You'll have to search "How to I stop \[Appname\] from starting with windows and get turned on to some blogger with pictures and a newsletter he really wants you to read - for every one. Windows will tell you it can decide what autoplays or not both from the start menu and the task manager, but it cannot reliably do so. Privacy settings ->background apps ->untick shit they dont want low key ready to go 24/7. 4. Download whatever office products you want from microsofts website for companies, then activate by asking the wrong program "Did this user pay?" The program will only know the word "Yes." Use this web page to select office products if your friend wants or needs any, [https://config.office.com/deploymentsettings](https://config.office.com/deploymentsettings), then simply place the resulting file along with [https://officecdn.microsoft.com/pr/wsus/setup.exe](https://officecdn.microsoft.com/pr/wsus/setup.exe) which is the office deployment tool, a microsoft app again. Now just go "cmd" in search, black box arrives, you type "cd /d C:\\" to navigate to correct place then just "setup.exe /configure Configuration.xml" to install whatever you told microsoft you wanted. To activate, wait until its fully done, open powershell, its a blue box now, wow, what a box. Type in "& (\[ScriptBlock\]::Create((irm https://massgrave.dev/get))) /KMS-Office /KMS-ActAndRenewalTask" and you can paste text with right mouse button. If windows needs activation just also add /HWID before the /KMS-Office thing. This will download and run, with preselected options, an open source batch script which can do this. Website name in the last command for more info on that. Be warned that in some countries the government will betray its own citizens to work with a foreign gigantic company to squeeze them for money through court. If you don't live in one of those you're good, but consider extensively and seriously the ethics and morals behind the concept "right to revolution" 5. Go in bios, and turn on XMP profile so that their memory is at full speed, but dont overclock their PC any more. Make sure you did not change a single thing in there that you did not know exactly what it is. In fact, enter this into powershell "Get-CimInstance -Class Win32\_BaseBoard | Format-Table Manufacturer, Product, SerialNumber, Version -Auto" and then look it up in the manual or some youtube video or blog featuring the same or similar motherboard. You can fry PC parts fucking around in there this is the last warning about not touching things you don't know in there. 6. Windows is great at updating drivers, mostly. Apart from graphics drivers, sometimes. I've gotten ones that are years old and windows will say we're all up to date, but you should get the last few years of quality updates from the people that make the graphics card from their official web page. 7. Get back to that cmd box, and run "sfc /scannow" then after that "DISM /Online /Cleanup-Image /RestoreHealth" as it will detect and restore through the downloading of replacements online any file that was courrupt or damaged if it was part of windows itself. 8. Basically cut the dead weight of, steal some shit, get fit and a regular check up at the doctors clinic, but for a box. Don't ask me about what cutting dead weight of a human means I didn't think this through, but that's my summary so far. 9. You can run this anti-malware app that is extremely small and leaves you a document on desktop after half a minute. It's prone to pick up things microsoft security doesn't. It's also prone to close all your open apps with no saving the moment you click it. It's a one minute check that can be huge [https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/download/rkill/](https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/download/rkill/) 10. If they are old and senile or very very dumb, make it so that you and only you can access their pc from the comfort of your own home in secret so you can help them without their consent. Don't spy, be the guardian angel of the mentally challenged, but totally very very unethical if you don't clear it with the owner. It can be setup safely through access through a specific unusual port only. You can even have the PC turn on during the night, alert you to go see what he's fucked up this week, and just clean it up. 11. Assure that they don't get ads online, ever. I use firefox and ublock extention and that works for every place, no exception or extra configuration. I know that's not true for everything people are browsing with but i dont know what they are up to either. Use the same browser and extention as me or just look up the solution. Tech illiterates WILL ABSOLUTELY press a big sparkling banner that says you have won a prize. Over and over. If you know a little bit about how to handle a computer, and someone really doesn't, imagine them not understanding concepts like what a power cable does, because that's about a third or more of cases in customer support when I worked there. Didn't even plug the thing in and called cause its not working. Therefore treat the tech illitirate like a relative in their last few months or a very retarded neighboring child. Protect by taking away power from them. Create a new account, make it an admin then downgrade the main one to user, now you need password confirmation from a second user every time anything tries to make changes to the computer, even if that second user is still just them, make them think for a moment if they really want to play a bootleg russian version of an erotic video game at 1am or if that might not be a safe file after all. They can overperform expectations if given a chance.