I'm (57m/GenX) losing patience and sanity with the aging(81m/Boomer) parent.

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JeffTS@reddit

Righter there with you. About a decade younger and dealing with a nearly 81 mother with dementia. All her "friends" kicked her to the curb, my sibling wants nothing to do with her, and it's all on my shoulders (while also trying to run a business). It isn't easy and my patience is often pushed to the limit.

What has been recommended to me, and I just have not had the time to do, is to reach out to your local Office for the Aging. They may be able to provide assistance. A friend suggested that they may be able to provide meal deliveries, someone to clean, etc. Basically to give our parents someone else to socialize with.

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MagentaMist@reddit

I would be happy with just the cleaning part. My 78 year old mother lives with me and she's a complete slob. As soon as I walk in the door after work I have to clean. Every. Single. Day. I'm so over it.

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JeffTS@reddit

Yup. Same situation. Along with running a full time business, I have to do all the cleaning as well as cooking, laundry, and, well, basically everything else. She tries to do the dishes but then I have to redo them because she puts in 0 effort. I am so burned out.

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MagentaMist@reddit

She told me flat out she doesn't do dishes. There are days I want to scream. Oh, and she's an alcoholic too.

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JeffTS@reddit

My mother hits the bottle too but hasn't reached alcoholic state. It does make her dementia and anxiety worse though.

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BraveG365@reddit

I saw your post a few months back and was wondering how things are going with you and your mother?

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JeffTS@reddit

Aside from spending the day in the ER this week after she took a spill on the ice, things have been about the same. She got off lucky with just a head laceration. Thank you for asking!

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MagentaMist@reddit

As far as I know she doesn't have dementia but I'm going to her next Dr appointment. The cognitive decline is noticeable.

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Comfortable-Pea-1312@reddit

Office for the Aging is a blessing! They have seen it all. Our local has a Meals on wheels and has daily programs at a facility. Their world shrinks as age and infirmity narrows their sphere. Any opportunities to socialize, participate and stay engaged are beneficial to everyone.

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SnooMarzipans6812@reddit

I just lost my 82 year old Mom a month ago. Although it wasn’t always easy to communicate with her-narcissist with a bit of dementia- I sure miss her and am deeply grief-stricken.

Get your siblings more involved. Before it’s too late.

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bizzylearning@reddit

He didn't leave you in the woods when you were five and got excited to tell him the same. exact. thing. a thousand times. Even though he probably wanted to. You're repaying the love shown to a little kid who didn't know better by passing it to an elderly man who no longer knows any better.

But hey, at least he's not sneaking out and partying in the park with some cute widow woman from the other Senior Center, or some other weird geriatric variation of our adolescent misdeeds. Payback could be much, much worse.

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windsorforlife@reddit

Your parents aren’t boomers if they are 79 and 81, they’re the Silent generation, the oldest boomers are 78 now.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

Ya he's actually 79 and his dad was a ww2 vet

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emilythequeen1@reddit

Nope this is real.

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loop2loop13@reddit

I hear you. I'm a few years younger than you but parent is 81.

I can actually handle the repeated stories. What I can't handle is the loss of short-term memory and having to repeat myself constantly.

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AussieGirl27@reddit

the repeating stuff drives me batty too. I'm a Gen X chick (55 this year....fuck) and my parents are late 70s. Still active, still mentally competent but the need to repeat everything they say 3 times absolutely wrecks me! I have taken to saying 'you said that' and then immediately change the subject.

I know that its probably just them reaffirming that they aren't forgetting everything and for my mothers its a big thing as her mother dies of Alzheimer's. She is terrified that it will happen to her but she is active in the community, keeps her brain active so she is doing all the right things. But still having to hear the same story multiple times over multiple days is rotting my own brain. Don't get me started on being the IT person. OMG shoot me in the head when I hear the words 'can you look at my laptop/phone/tv for me'

I think the issue us Gen X peeps have is that we are the first generation that fast forwarded to maturity in our childhoods because of our hands off boomer parents and when we got to mid 20s and the maturity stopped. That's where we stagnated and so that's why being in our 50s is so jarring because we honestly do not feel like adults, let along ones heading for pensioner territory. It fucking sucks and I don't like it!

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endosurgery@reddit

My mother started 10 years ago with the repeating stories a couple of times when we were visiting. We thought she was fine. Now we know it was the early states of dementia. Now it’s repeating after just finishing. The same story non-stop. Along with all sorts of made up stuff, hallucinations, delusions, wacky ideas. My father has it as well. My dad gets ideas about the house ie. Can’t put anything down the sink or flush TP. It is a constant battle and when you think you’ve got it fixed some new thing crops up. Both mid-80s, silent generation. I recommend starting to work with them to ensure arrangements are set for you to take over finances, going to doctors appointments and getting the living wills and advanced directives etc set. Once the dementia is established you won’t convince them there’s a problem and legally it’s a challenge.

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AussieGirl27@reddit

I'm sorry, that must be difficult for you. Both my parents have their wills sorted and I have power of attorney for both of them, medical as well so we are set that way

It's a hard part of life to navigate

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Kestrel_Iolani@reddit

I hear you, friend. 54/80, and for me, it's a coin toss if the next call will be fine and good or absolute hell. It's like the old Zen joke, "Oh, you think you're enlightened? Go spend a week with your parents. L"

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moderngulls@reddit

Oh my gosh these replies are comforting to me. Is there a subreddit just for coping psychologically with parents with dementia?

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Kestrel_Iolani@reddit

I'm not there yet, but my heart goes out to you. I haven't been there yet but apparently there is r/agingparents. Good luck.

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moderngulls@reddit

The 50/50 coin toss is a concept that will stick with me. It is either a bizarre and upsetting experience or "oh wow Dad is himself again everything is going to be fine!"

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ReactionAgreeable740@reddit

I feel the same way with the constant repeating of comments. But for my mom, it isn’t dementia. It’s truly boredom. She repeats herself because she doesn’t have anything else to talk about.

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In_The_End_63@reddit

Well, what's tough is when the parent does not want to face inevitabilities such as:
1) What to do when macular degen results in non renewal of driver's license.
2) Didn't downsize / cash out.
3) The other son is on SSDI with no hope to properly finish career, no more 401K, no real estate, deteriorating congenital neurocognitive disease, still lives at home, no real plan in place.
4) Still clings to "independence" in spite of 1 - 3 plus several other rising tides of risk.

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deignguy1989@reddit

Same here. I’m 59, dad is 80. Used to meet for breakfast every Friday-Same.stories.every.week. I would also say-“Yeah, that’s what you were saying last week……”. Then he’d continue the story. He’s healthy and active. Sadly, he’s estranged from the family. He met a new woman a few years after my mom died in 2016 and she has been less receptive about having a new family. She’s slowly pulled him away and we have not been in touch with him for 3 years.

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TRB-1969@reddit

My Dad passed 20 years ago, and I'd give anything to listen to him repeat whatever he wanted to repeat.

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sappy6977@reddit

Do they have dementia?

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

Maybe? Definitely is an old hippie who has smoked pot nonstop since quitting drinking 30 years ago. Sometimes he doesn't know what day it is and sometimes he asks the same question 3 times within 10 minutes.

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sappy6977@reddit

He may qualify for hospice help who can give caregivers a respite.

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ClimateFeeling4578@reddit

I can relate to this. It’s maddening

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Oscar-T-Grouch@reddit

Bring em out to Oregon where he can self terminate with assistance.

I'm sure he's fed up with you as well.

I hear they have a 2 for 1 special at Kevorkians Dying Inn

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CaveDog2@reddit

My siblings and I went through this with my silent gen mom. It was a nightmare to go through. You need to be careful because taking on the role of caregiver can wind up exhausting you physically and emotionally. That does no one any good. We all rightly feel the obligation to care for our parents but at some point you may be dealing with a chronic medical condition that you aren’t equipped to deal with.

You need to familiarize yourself with signs of dementia versus just normal aging. My mom slowly slipped into dementia but it took time to realize it until it was getting bad enough that we couldn’t miss it. We tried to keep her in her home as long as possible and brought in part time caregivers but eventually she developed anger issues and started attacking the caregivers until they wouldn’t come anymore.

At one point she would become convinced that she had small children and became very upset that she couldn’t find them. One day she ended up wandering around the neighborhood looking for the police to report them missing. We never saw that coming. Fortunately a neighbor saw her but if you underestimate the problem they can become a danger to themselves. At that point we understood that she couldn’t be left alone for even short periods. We couldn’t take on caregiving full time so we had to put her in a care facility. It can be very difficult but don’t take it all on yourself. Touch base with medical professionals if you feel it’s overwhelming you.

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mrsredfast@reddit

I totally get it and watched my mother be rude to my grandmother when she began doing the same thing. I now try my hardest to be patient with my mother anyway. I know I will do the same thing to my kids despite a strong desire not to —it’s how most of our brains age.

Setting limits on time you spend with them and sharing the time spent with your siblings should help. Knowing that it won’t last forever may help too. I usually have to psyche myself up before spending time with my mom and have a mental schedule in my head of how long this interaction will last. I know I can make it through a couple of hours doing just about anything (this is how I get through dental appointments too.)

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Upper_Rent_176@reddit

r/ageingparents

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

Thank you

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2wrtjbdsgj@reddit

Why is the generational context important? This way of analysis leaves you open to reductive thinking, and isn't going to help you at all.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

Because context in this situation is important and it's the "GenX" sub. I asked for advice on elderly care and mental health, not pedantic hot takes.

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TheLarlagar@reddit

I feel this. I have one parent left and never had a great relationship with them. They now live under my roof due to aging and a life of bad decisions. I don’t have any advice for you, just empathy. I find myself getting angry and losing patience and try to remind myself they are like an old toddler.

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Redkneck35@reddit

A toddler would be preferable if an older person is suffering from dementia and has trauma in their background. People tend to regress during it and they can get aggressive. My mother was just getting to that point when she died at 89. It's not easy being a care taker it's harder with those and being one alone. My sister did a remarkable job but it was getting too much for her.

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ElYodaPagoda@reddit

My mom had brought in my stepfather to the ER, he was having a bad sundowning episode, and he had to stay overnight. That evening, I guess he got aggressive with one of the nurses, and the doctor started prescribing some antipsychotics to calm him down. He took them until the day he died. It sort of helped, but with sundowning it's day by day.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

I've never heard of 'sundowning'. I'm boycotting Google would you mind defining that?

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Buttrnut_Squash@reddit

It is thought that late-day confusion (sometimes called "sundowning") can be a problem for as many as 66% of people with Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias. It can occur at any stage of the disease but it tends to peak in the middle stages of dementia and lessens as the disease progresses.

This late-day confusion often affects the person’s quality of life and it can be exhausting for the caregiver. The person living with dementia may become suspicious, upset or disoriented, see or hear things that are not there and believe things that are not true**.**

Its bloody rough. My Mom had sundowning really bad, sadly we lost her in July.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

That was a great explanation thank you. My pops doesn't seem to have a rhyme or reason when his memory comes and goes ,yet. Could be morning or evening or not at all that day

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Buttrnut_Squash@reddit

That info was from the Canadian Alzheimer's Society website, they were a huge help to our family. You should be able to find a US society chapter near you, they are a wealth of information. All the best to you and your family.

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ElYodaPagoda@reddit

My grandmother ran an adult foster care home, and I saw the signs and symptoms of Alzheimer’s on a daily basis. I would tend to stay with her on Saturday nights and we would watch The Love Boat, and the next morning she would make pancakes for breakfast. I considered my stepfather’s mother like an extra grandma, and sure enough, during the day she was relatively normal, but once the sun went down she became someone else. No one saw it besides me, because they had no cause for concern to visit her at night. They came to pick me up, and he and his brothers started the process for what we would call now as Memory Care. Six months later, she had passed away.

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DogsAreOurFriends@reddit

Toddlers are cute, innocent, and don’t watch Fox News.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

Thank god my folks are ancient hippies. I literally would not be able to help them if Fox was on.

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Drunken_Carbuncle@reddit

I refuse to inflict a version this hellish half-life on my children.

I will end my life on my own terms at a time I deem appropriate.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

I've thought the same thing. My nightmare is that I would suddenly become un self-aware and become a huge burden and not know it

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Angry_Tomato_@reddit

Definitely get the other siblings involved. It isn’t going to get any better, and the sooner you can get them up to speed the less of a shock it is going to be to see how far he has declined.

With the circular and repeated questions I wonder if there is some form of dementia is occurring. My dad was showing symptoms for years, and I only realized it after the fact when it got markedly worse after a triple bypass.

Look up YouTube videos by Teepa Snow on the subject of how as a caretaker to interact with a person with dementia.

My “favorite” repeating question was “I forgot to take my heart meds this morning. Do I double up on the dose now?” NO, DAD!

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TXRedheadOverlord@reddit

Definitely get your siblings on board. Also, visit the r/AgingParents sub for support and advice. Lots of good help in there.

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arroyoshark@reddit (OP)

Of course there's a sub for that! Thanks m8.

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Buttrnut_Squash@reddit

It is thought that late-day confusion (sometimes called "sundowning") can be a problem for as many as 66% of people with Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias. It can occur at any stage of the disease but it tends to peak in the middle stages of dementia and lessens as the disease progresses.

This late-day confusion often affects the person’s quality of life and it can be exhausting for the caregiver. The person living with dementia may become suspicious, upset or disoriented, see or hear things that are not there and believe things that are not true.

Its bloody rough. My Mom had sundowning really bad, sadly we lost her in July.

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typeXYZ@reddit

I was frustrated with my mom towards the beginning of her dementia. I think I was blaming her for not trying. One evening, she went to her medication cabinet, looked the pill bottles, and cried out, “I don’t know what I’m doing!”. This was the moment that it clicked for me that life was going to be different from that moment. I feel fortunate that my mom never had outbursts. At the times she didn’t know me, she was more polite and friendly.

I don’t know if it’s patience you need, but it couldn’t hurt. I think it may be more about acceptance. After I accepted the situation, the patience followed.

My aunt also developed dementia. I saw how her children handled her repeated stories or statements. They would have a different response every time my aunt repeated herself. It just made the conversations more interesting.

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VacationLizLemon@reddit

I have an 88 year old mother who has become hyper fixated on my well being. I'm fine. I have a stable marriage, job, my kids are fine. She monitors my tone, my body language. It's infuriating and insulting. She used to fixate on my Dad and my sister. My Dad passed away ten years ago and my sister won't speak to her anymore. So I get all of the attention. It has seriously messed up our relationship and I can barely stand to be around her. I feel guilty even typing this. She's currently living with my brother and I don't know how he does it.

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greenyoke@reddit

Part of it is they dont feel they have a purpose. With the internet at our finger tips, they dont get to be the wise elders anymore.

My grandpa would print off articles to try to talk about them so he could be in the conversation. And we would have good conversations, but in general, I wasn't learning anything. Theres more to it and I still learned lots from his life experiences but theres only so many of those stories.

My dads just starting to get there. He plays chess and golf. People all around slowly becoming incoherent.

I think the happy ones have a sense of completeness in the back of their minds.

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Electrical-Arrival57@reddit

To anyone commenting here that’s dealing with dementia in an elderly relative, I cannot recommend this highly enough:

https://www.press.jhu.edu/books/title/12151/36-hour-day?srsltid=AfmBOoohRwUucKwOv03yeU1LOWrRDbi_C9qM6i2LAlX-4QJNW3t3Outj

(You can also get it at Amazon, but I didn’t want to link to them)

The 36 Hour Day has been the gold standard guidebook for dementia care for literally decades. It was required reading when I started working in the field and it’s been updated regularly to reflect changing knowledge. It’s been a life-changer for probably millions of families. It is a book for caregivers and addresses things you might not even have thought of yet, as well as many of the things other commenters here have already mentioned, like adult day care, caregiver self-care, support groups and more. Best wishes for you and your dad.

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GriftyGrifterson@reddit

It’s very hard having empathy and care for someone who was a train wreck of a parent and person. My sister does most of the caring due to location- thank god. She’s had to go into therapy bc she’s become so triggered. I’m there 24 hours and I am ready to scream. They expect us to be the caregivers they never were.

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TheOriginalTarlin@reddit

I have dealt with it.

Now let's flip the switch... you know your memory is in decline. Your short term to long term do not connect.

Then you have a thought and you want to talk about craving connection and knowledge. So you talk... then you do not store you talked about it.

Once you realize you cannot rely on you own mind, once you are corrected again.

You believe you are a bother to others.

The next step is you give up.

The spider on the ceiling story was fun but after over a year. It scared her so she always wanted to tell it.

I do not think or saw her fear anything. She faced a bear down, survived tornado outlived her lover, grew up poor but this was in her memory it imprinted on her.

Everyone ignored the story after a while and I was the last one. I asked questions and wanted the ending where she threw shoes and magazines at it. She get animated fighting for her life as it mocked her then was speaking to her.

I quit listening one day. I told her it was a dream of a time long ago. I told her the ending. I told her the story has changed.

It was winter and holidays busy with a newborn. So got busy. She died 16 days after I told her it was a story Inhad heard.

It was a great story...why she showed greater bravery than Sam Wise facing Shelob down with only a shoe and People magazine... well that is the way I tell it.

Just ask more questions get the deeper memories to come back... then a touching story will develop and comfort you on a cold winter's night.

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Digitalispurpurea2@reddit

Ok, now you made me tear up

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Somerhild_wode@reddit

I hear you. Yes, get others involved for your own sanity. You cannot do it all alone all the time.

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Yarg2525@reddit

Definitely time to get family more involved. It's too much for one person - it's good that you are realizing that.

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VastusAnimus@reddit

I’m sorry it’s been rough for you. I’m 47, my father died 8 years ago at the age of 69( oh yeah!) My mother died 25 years ago at the age of 43. Both had problems and probably would’ve been giant buttholes.

But…I wish I had my parents. Life is hard and not fair and doesn’t always make sense.

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notguiltybrewing@reddit

It's time to get your siblings involved and you need some breaks. Self care is important and easy to ignore.

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Separate-Swordfish40@reddit

I think it’s a sign of brain aging or early dementia. We see this with one of my in-laws. Being a caregiver is draining. It’s definitely time for siblings to take some of the burden.

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xczechr@reddit

If your parent is currently 81 they're not a Boomer, they're from the Silent Generation.

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LectureBasic6828@reddit

Dementia is difficult to deal with and requires endless patience, which only saints have. My parent goes to a dementia day facility a few times a week. This gives family a break and gives them stimulation and new experiences. A local alzheimer/dementia society should be able to offer advice.

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Objective-Lab5179@reddit

I have an FIL who talks over you and interrupts you to tell you something he's said for the past 20 years. He has no hobbies, limited education and loves to hear himself talk. He doesn't listen to a word you say, he's too busy thinking what to say next, pulling topics out of the air unrelated to the conversation. It's very annoying.

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RoyalPuzzleheaded259@reddit

Circular and repeated conversations can be a sign of dementia. Might wanna get your old man checked out.

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mikey_ramone@reddit

Absolutely. Get your siblings involved. I was in the same boat a couple of years ago, main care giver to my dad who had dementia. My life was work and then coming home to be with him. Luckily I had sisters to be there during the day. I sure was not easy but, got into a routine over time. Take a deep breath and remember why you are doing this. Looking back, I was glad to be there for him and would be glad to do it all over again.

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Resident_Lion_@reddit

If you can ask for help, you absolutely should or resentment will build.

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xjeanie@reddit

I’m sorry I know firsthand it’s difficult dealing with an aging parent and all that entails including trying to process their eventual loss.

It’s been my experience that one of us takes more responsibility. I have an older brother. 14 years older. He didn’t really help care for our father despite living right next door for 17 years. It was my responsibility day in and day out.

I’ve been a migraine sufferer for decades. Many times spending all night in horrible pain and vomiting. My head feeling like it would explode. During one severe attack I was on the couch basically praying for death at that point it was so intense. My father had an important cardiologist appointment, my brother was off work and home on a staycation. Not off because he was sick or anything. Our father asked him if he would mind taking him to the doctor since I was so bad off. He openly refused even after our father told him how he’d spent the night with me. Something he often did during these. He’d try to comfort me. He’d beg God to take my pain away and give it to him. He saw how awful it was for me. But my brother flat out refused while he could have easily done so. It hurt me very deeply that he choose not to assist us. I drove my father to the doctor, with a garbage bag in my lap. Pulling out to dry heave every few minutes. I felt my father couldn’t miss this appointment because it was in reference to his Coumadin meds. They changed weekly to help prevent another stroke.

I hope truly that your siblings will offer the assistance you need. Hugs.

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Physical_Ad5135@reddit

My dad has some memory issues. I feel a lot of empathy for the situation and have more patience than the rest of my family. I listen to the same stories and am happy to do so since I know I will lose my beloved dad someday. You are inherently more likely to have Alzheimer’s yourself someday with a family history - does that help with your empathy?

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richbun@reddit

Mathematically, 81 is not a boomer as they were born during the war, unless you mean they have the characteristics of a boomer.

Either way, it is difficult. Being asked precise questions when they would not comprehend the answer is tiring.

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Reign_n_blud@reddit

It’s tough but one day you’ll miss these moments

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SinxHatesYou@reddit

Number 1 thing to know about people this age is that they revert to being a kid. They will test limits, lie, start shit and say shit just to cause a reaction. This is the time you become the "parent".

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Puzzleheaded-Cry-389@reddit

Same boat my friend. It gets very hard at times Dad 86 half deaf , half blind, will barely wear hearing aids or glasses, so yeah. Don't know what to tell you, I just try to be patient with him , and keep on keeping on. Very frustrating, for both of us 🙃. You can only do your best. Good luck, stay strong and stay positive.

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Altruistic_Fondant38@reddit

My (F 60) mother was 92 when she died in 2014. She had regressed to the point she forgot who I was and thought I was my (much) older sister. She asked me the same questions over and over again, things my sister only would know. My sister died at 40 in 1988. I didn't know the answers to the questions so I made stuff up, and she was perfectly happy with that, even to the point she would say "Oh Yea.. I remember that>" Just be patient. Their mind is in a different time period. Don't argue, it upsets them. Just agree. Reassure them.

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ElYodaPagoda@reddit

Sometimes with my stepfather, I'd put on some old Westerns (on MeTV) and he would light up, talk about his older brother always watching it, and his agitation would usually disappear. That and music were about the only things he enjoyed, other than belittling us!

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Altruistic_Fondant38@reddit

You know how everyone says that dementia makes them mean, and not the person they were? I believe dementia is honest old people without filters. My mom was the same way she had always been, always looking for that opening to hurt us. My mother was not a nice person, younger or with age. They have been thinking these things for years and all bets are off as far as being the "nice little grandma/grandpa" we all knew and loved. They have been thinking that stuff all along. They aren't afraid to tell you about yourself, others, people who have wronged them, all is fair game, and we, as caregivers, want to believe it's their dementia or Alzheimer's.. I believe NO... they truly hated us. My mother never missed a chance to remind me I was a mistake, even when I was 5 years old, on up until her death.

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ElYodaPagoda@reddit

Oh, he was always like that. I'm pretty sure he should've been on antipsychotics many, many years before that. Major rage issues! I completely agree that dementia strips away all inhibitions that the great majority of us have. My mom won't really say it, but I think she has really come around after his death.

My father on the other hand, passed away at 69, so he never had this horrible affliction. He was the opposite of my stepfather, kind, cheerful, just a great guy. Always interested in my hobbies.

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Antique-Produce-2050@reddit

I’m 53M with a dead dad and dead step dad. Mom is still kicking and feisty 84 but she is 75% deaf. Which is tough. She can be mean but I don’t think she means to. Just a bad sense of humor from the UK war era where she grew up. Of course WWII makes people think everything is too easy now. We will see how it goes. She’s living alone until that big fall or health problem happens.

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GrabFresh1640@reddit

Play some cheesy background music every time he goes off and pretend your starring in a rom com, maybe narrate the situation with humour

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Ha-So@reddit

Well, I'd always looked at it as the natural circle.

There was a time when the situation was a 100% reversed, but that said, I would hope he did the same for them so yes, you should speak to them.

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DetectiveMakazian@reddit

For many, many of us it's not the same / not the "circle"
https://www.reddit.com/r/AgingParents/comments/1ioy821/the_your_mother_took_care_of_you_comments/

* Parents chose to have you. You didn't choose to have them.
* Babies are small and cute, old people are big and stinky.
* Children learn and grow, Old people get worse and die.
* Kids may resist you but they are under your authority, parents still think of themselves as the parent.
* For some people (not me) their parents weren't that great (or downright awful) to them.

I take some care of my parents. Fortunately they treated us kids wonderfully and fortunately they are still pretty much independent and capable. It's still taxing on my patience and sanity to, as OP said, have repeated, circular conversations about nothing. To not expect they will ever change. To not be able to help them grow into anything more interesting because they aren't growing, they are declining. To have them expect respect (which I give them) but not be open to hearing how maybe they could respect me more because they are still "the parent".

Read the thread I posted. Dozens and dozens of people agree.

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eKs0rcist@reddit

This

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DryFoundation2323@reddit

If he is 81 he is silent generation.

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Juanfartez@reddit

If they're repeating subjects that are current I.E. doctor appointment, what's for dinner it is because the short term memory part of the brain isn't working as well. If it's ramblings about past memories let them talk. They're coming to the end of their life and it's important to them. Engage in those subjects to get them to expand on it when they repeat themselves. Internet hugs fellow redditor.

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ElYodaPagoda@reddit

I was helping my mom with my stepfather, who was 83, and had the wonderful combination of dementia and blindness. We found that putting his favorite music on helped a lot, sometimes he'd talk to himself for hours listening to Hank Williams, or just sing along.

It's a rough road, and you shouldn't have to shoulder it alone.

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Weedfiend247@reddit

Reach out to your local council on aging. They are a great resource for caregivers.

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weenie2323@reddit

57F only child, my parents passed 2 yrs ago at 90 and for the last 2 yrs of their lives I cared for them and they both had dementia. I was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Yes get your siblings involved, take all help you can get. They call dementia "the long goodbye" for a reason.

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Cerrac123@reddit

Try to consider that every conversation you have with him may be your last.

Does he live with you? Or just call frequently?

You are allowed to feel burnt out but try to remember the role reversal when you were a child and he was the adult. Or when you were a teenager.

Is this dementia? If so, the best thing you can do is respond in agreement. Because you aren’t going to change anything.

My husband used to lament that his mother told him at the end of every conversation how much she loved him and how proud she was of him. We should all be so lucky.

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snarfled1@reddit

There is a thing called caregiver burnout—a real, health-threatening thing. Please get assistance now. Being batty can be just a step or two back from cliff-diving burnout.

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Meetloafandtaters@reddit

It can be tough. When they start repeating the same stories, ask them question about it. With my dad, he'd be telling one of his stories that I'd head a thousand times, so I'd ask him about the car he mentioned. Or how he met the friend me mentioned. Anything like that.

It may or may not break the loop, but it will spark old memories and surprising things that you never would have guessed. There's so much locked up in old folks minds that will be lost to time. I know it's hard, but it's also precious.

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DanielDannyc12@reddit

It sucks.

You might try letting go of where you feel they should be and try to just be with them where they are.

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jdr90210@reddit

This sounds like my mom in law. Was the beginning of alzheimers. She was better w me than her kids as I let her talk of the old times and they were tired of it. They did shopping/ house, I kept company. Older, she would get quite mean to sis in law. This is aging. Dementia, into assisted living that she wouldn't take the assistance. Eventually only I could help bath, dress. I know it's hard, don't argue, go into conversations knowing you are the listener. Patience as these are your final moments. Share whatever they want to eat, wear , music they want to hear. Sis in law has regrets as she took it as an argument instead of let her enjoy last days.

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Mission-Cloud360@reddit

I call my parents almost everyday, and we have almost the same conversation every time I call them. Actually the conversation is with my mom because my dad has hearing problems and can’t follow the convo. Lately we try to have grupo video calls with all my siblings and grown grandkids, so there is more stuff to talk about. Today my nephew showed the family his college room and the sandwich he made for dinner. My daughter showed her soccer ⚽️ uniform. I guess we try to stay engaged without being pulled to the same old stories. My dad has the worst part because he gets bored and loses interest easily. But he liked the soccer uniform!

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Weird-Ad7562@reddit

It's time to enlist support.

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FormCheck655321@reddit

You will miss him when he’s gone even if he’s driving you nuts now.

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mmunro69@reddit

I empathize greatly. I went through the same with my mom

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Ok_Dragonfruit7353@reddit

I just went thru a lot of this the past year. Lost my dad to cancer and then my mom went batshit crazy. Not sure if it’s advice but a reminder you’ll actually miss having that same conversation over and over. I lost count of how many times I heard the same information over and over like it was new every time. No dementia but he just couldn’t ever remember those past conversations.

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Hungry-King-1842@reddit

I’m so sorry to hear. Just like with your kids when they were little. Don’t get mad at them. Be mad about the situation. They obviously can’t help it. Definitely get your siblings involved.

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birdynumnum69@reddit

Hang in the there. Deep breaths. Are there other topics you can redirect them to? Do you have old photo albums to show them? Can you ask them about their memories of the pictures and record them?

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Equal_Year@reddit

Not to discount your struggles but parent isn't a boomer-

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psionic1@reddit

My Mother in law is in an end of life home. Me and my wife have been her caretakers for 7+years. My wife's brothers are totally checked out. We pay for it. We visit her. We take her for drives. We take her to doctors appts. We talk to the bothers, ask for help. But, there is always an excuse why they can't engage. Im not sure what the answer is. Just saying, I hear you.

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spidermans_mom@reddit

Call in the reinforcements. Don’t burn yourself out. I’ll be thinking of you, my dad just turned 80.

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enviromo@reddit

I suggest both. I sustained a severe concussion with noticeable cognitive issues and I have way more patience and empathy for my 85yo dad now. Not as much as we both need, but more than before.

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Effective_Pear4760@reddit

I don't know where you are, but I do know a hospital near me had some elder daycare and also support groups for caregivers. I can't imagine my hospital was the only one.

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Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit

my dad developed dementia over the last 18 months of his life.

i realised that the worst days for me were the ones where i was trying too hard to make something work. all he really wanted and needed was for me to be there.

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gregmcph@reddit

You need air. You need even one night a week where you don't have the responsibility.

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vonegutZzz@reddit

Sorry to hear you’re having the same prob as me. My mom has bad habits, horrible memory and lies to family members all the time. I’ve learned patience which isn’t my strong suit. Taking my mom shopping and to dinner 2x a week are all she has so I need to respect that. Just remember you’re the only tie to the real world AND your dad’s past. Just listen and don’t worry about how many times you’ve heard it. Find someone to vent to and get your siblings involved. Good luck to both of us.

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longirons6@reddit

Dealing with that with my father in law. I’ve ignored his ridiculous embellished stories for years

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eddyvette@reddit

While I felt the same way during, I wish for it all back now that they’re both gone. They were patient with me through all my homework woes and growing pains, wiping my nose, cooking and laundry. My parents were good people and I put all my frustrations aside naturally just so I could have a few more laughs with dad. Mom went first and dad was devastated. I had to and it was no chore to spend time with him.

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Chet@reddit

yes. you can’t shoulder that alone. you’ll lose it.

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UrBum_MyFace_69@reddit

It's not easy at all, you can call local senior groups and see if there are respite volunteers that can give you a break for a few hours a day/week. Empathy is key, I don't know what kind of relationship you've had with your parent, but try to put yourselves in their shoes. If they're repeating stories, there could be something going on. BUt don't call them out on it, they may already feel confused and hearing negative things they're doing (without knowing so) can upset them or confuse them more, and again, put yourselves in their shoes. Good luck, take care of yourself.

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