Sandwich Generation
Posted by wolfie55555@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 36 comments
Just curious to see how many GenX'ers that are part of the sandwich generation (those sandwiched between aging parents who need care or help and their own children). What are your thoughts?
My mother-in-law lives with us. Currently she is a really big help with taking care of the household duties. Also my university/high school kids have a good bond with her too. There is some friction between all of the women in the house (daughter, wife, mother-in-law) but for the most part it's been great to have her with us.
Finding_Way_@reddit
Was in that situation for years. Very hard
Prior to their decline, my parents were helpful and engaged with the kids. Much later the kids sometimes helped with my parents(and my kids now saw HELPING with their grandparents was really good for and rewarding to them).
But in-between!? It was brutal. Parenting parents while parenting kids takes a lot.
Give yourself some grace. Ask for help early on especially from your siblings if applicable. Start talking about eldercare plans. Declines can come quickly m
Make time for YOU .
ebeth_the_mighty@reddit
Nah. My parents are dead, and my kids are 30 and 26.
My in-laws are 81 and 85, and still living independently. They are breaking down physically, but holding their own so far. I’m pretty sure they have plans for a care community when they stop being able to do for themselves. They also get along WAY better with my BIL and SIL than us.
nixtarx@reddit
My MIL is close to 90 and is, to be blunt, dying. We have her near us and it's killing my wife to carve out a time to see, and do the things she won't trust anyone else to do for, her every day. But that's the deal we made to get her out of the rambling old Victorian she raised her family in when Pops died. My wife feels ashamed that she's going to feel a lot of relief when it finally happens (never have to be afraid of THE call, if nothing else) and no amount of assurances from that that's perfectly normal will change that. I'd do more but Moms literally won't let me.
I'm fortunate to have younger parents. My dad passed a few years ago (dementia, so it was something of a blessing by the time it happed), but my mom, step-dad and step-mom are all still kicking. I just know one or more of them is gonna start to go once the inevitable happens with Moms. The two I mostly lived with moved far away to be warm too. Understandable, but an extra layer of difficulty in an emergency.
So that's gonna be our retirement. Instead of touring around in an RV like we hoped, we're going to be, at the least, making sure they're not being mistreated as healthcare gets worse, the personnel wages stagnate even go down, and prices continue to rise.
I'm glad they're still with us, we'll take care of them as they did us and we're privileged to be able to even consider taking to the road. It's just not what we envisioned for our own golden years.
JoyfulCor313@reddit
Yep. I’m the “maiden aunt” so when my mom developed Alzheimer’s and then broke her hip at the beginning of COVID, I was the one that got to move back home. And now we’ve all moved to be closer to my sister, which definitely helps.
And for the Sandwich, Her eldest who had moved out and been on his own for 3 years, got diagnosed with autism and had to step down from his job. He’s moved in with us. To be honest he’s one of the better roommates I’ve had — one of those being my own grandmother when we did this dance \~25 years ago.
AaronTheElite007@reddit
Going to be honest. I read the title an immediately thought of how my wife and I will eat pb&j sandwiches but our daughter won’t touch the stuff.
That being said, yes we are taking care of our kids at the same time as taking care of our parents.
[Spaceballs_MustGoOn.gif]
Tonicluck@reddit
Oh man. This was my fear come true. My kid was senior year HS. I'd been a single mom for 13 years. Here we are at graduation and about to hit this stride of low responsibility! And bam! Both my parents, actually still on the younger side, late 50s early 60s, lost it. My dad with heart disease. My mom was losing a different marriage over her alcoholism with no job for 20+ years and just going buck wild. And guess who everybody called to fix it? It was literally the most stressed period in my life ever. I sold my house and moved close to my dad and so glad I was able to be close. My mom refused to work, refused to get help for her addiction. She was living near her family a few hours away. I was constantly getting calls for every single dumb thing she did. I tried to have her involuntarily committed but couldn't. And that went really bad and got ugly. I had to cut strings with her to save my own sanity bc I was losing it. My dad passed away a year later. And I still haven't talked to my mom in a few years now. As much as I don't want things to be on bad terms, I just can't re-enter that chaos. I know the minute I connect that line, she's going to throw herself on me to take care of her bc she really doesn't want to do it. It's honestly one of my greatest fears.
eweguess@reddit
No, my only child is 28, and my parents are still living independently and doing as well as you might expect an 80 year old man and a 77 year old woman to be doing. One of the benefits of not waiting until your mid 30s or 40s to have kids, and parents who also had their kids young.
AsymptoticArrival@reddit
Same situation, yet I am seeing this changing in the next few years due to brothers-in-law still siphoning money from my MIL. I don’t want for her to live with us so I’m keeping that boundary clear. My folks, I have no idea. But, at least my kid is on his own mostly.
eweguess@reddit
My daughter lives with me but she’s an adult and takes care of herself (like she works and pays bills and does her own cooking and laundry, etc).
AsymptoticArrival@reddit
That’s awesome. Glad you have your kiddos. If I could live anywhere near my kid, I would. I miss him, but I do get to see him once a year or so. I feel like I got him to the same level of independence; he pays his own bills/rent and does his own car maintenance and cleaning but does struggle with some mental health stuff from time to time.
eweguess@reddit
It’s even better - her three year old daughter, my only grand baby, also lives with me. I am well aware of how lucky I am that I don’t have to travel or beg to see them.
AsymptoticArrival@reddit
I love this for you. Truly. What a gift!
eweguess@reddit
It really is. Until very recently both of my parents lived on the other side of the country. My daughter grew up with almost never seeing them (although she saw her dad’s parents a lot). I decided I would never do that. If she eventually moves, and I know she will, I’ll probably move too. My mom now lives in our city but that’s because we’re all the family she has left. My dad still lives out west, and may be moving out of the country soon. Both of them always used to hassle me about not bringing my daughter to visit them. I had no money for plane tickets or vacation days. They both had money but somehow felt like it was my job to come to them. Well, now they are old and they barely know their only grandchild or only great grandchild. It’s a good example of strange generational differences. I can’t even imagine leaving my child behind when she was still a kid, or expecting a low earning young person to come see me at great expense when I could easily afford to go to them.
AsymptoticArrival@reddit
We have much in common. It was us who had to make the trips, and we didn’t have squat for money or functioning cars. And, the best part of the gift is that you broke a cycle. I’m hoping since my kid’s fiancée’s parents are and we will be soon in the same part of the U.S., then they can stay with us more often. I’m one of the few people the kids allow in their apartment. Might sound small, but I take pride in that.
eweguess@reddit
Definitely. My daughter never wanted to move out. She did for awhile because I told her to (she was kind of needing a little kick in the pants to become independent). I wanted her to experience paying her own bills and managing a dwelling, etc. But when she needed to come back, I was happy for it.\ I feel like in the past it was just expected that the younger people should travel to the elders. My parents took us across the country to see their parents, but both of those grands only made the reverse trip once in my life. I barely knew them. They were retired with good pensions. My father’s mother spent her whole post retirement life traveling the world (as my father does now). Only once did she come to visit her only grandchildren. I’m sure she felt like it was her son’s job to come to her. That’s what I mean by generational difference. I think the Greatest, Silent, and Boomers still had or have that idea that the younger generation should come to them, because that’s what they did. Whereas I just think, why do you expect stressed out cash-poor young parents to drag their small children hundreds or thousands of miles when you could easily make the trip yourself with almost no hardship? It’s just such a weird selfish mindset. I’m so glad that I didn’t inherit it.
AsymptoticArrival@reddit
Well expressed. Thank you.
MrsQute@reddit
Nope, managed to skip this whole debacle, thankfully. Upshot to getting married and having kids really young I guess.
Mom is 76 soon and pretty healthy and able. My youngest kid is 22 and in the workforce.
I helped my mom with my dad when he was sick prior to his death in 2011 but I wasn't the primary caregiver, just the back-uo support network.
MIL just turned 78 and is probably healthier and more active than I am 😄
Ok_Sundae2107@reddit
I have the exact same situation as you. My dad passed 10 years ago. My mom (now 87) moved in with my family a couple years after that. I have one kid in college, another about to start, and one who is 14. It's been great having her live with us. Everybody gets along. She loves being here and we love having her. We don't take care of her. She's actually very active, still drives, and does some of the household duties at our house as well.
Ok_Sundae2107@reddit
ngl, I thought this post was going to be about actual sandwiches.
RetroactiveRecursion@reddit
Dad died 11 years ago after a couple years with dementia. Our kid as 9 at the time. Totally sucked, but mainly because of our strained relationship (me and dad not me and kid) and I was the only family member geographically close enough, and had is own life together enough, to do anything about it.
Mom now dying of an aggressive cancer. Kid's moved out and starting her own life.
Luckily my wife is/was an amazing mom and my job is/was flexible enough that I could take time to deal with things when I need. Like it said, it sucked, but I likely had it easier than many.
sugahack@reddit
My mom had a major stroke in 2008 and was unable to live alone. I'm an only child, she was an only child so where her parents passed that was it for family. I'm a single mom. The kids are grown now thank goodness, but my youngest was a very difficult child. If he had been identified as special needs it would have been a relief because then there would have been avenues to receive assistance. I was already struggling with meeting the needs of my older two while trying to get the youngest sorted eve before my mom had the stroke. My mother was also a very difficult person. I many ways her and my youngest were two peas in a pod. They both drained every drop of patience, compassion, and empathy I had while screaming for more at the top of their lungs. Sometimes literally. That was the worst 8 years of my life and I was honestly so relieved when she died. My son grew up into a good man, one I am proud of but it was hell getting here.
DaniiMinoguh@reddit
I'm just bologna. Parents are long dead and I have not children. Bologna and american cheese. That's me.
geminiloveca@reddit
I raised 2 kids as a single parent while being my grandmother's primary caregiver for almost 10 years. 100% felt sandwiched. She's gone, but now my parents are getting older and have health issues so I feel like I'm prepping for Round 3 of taking care of my elders. (I helped care for my great-grandma as a kid/teen too.)
GreatGreenGobbo@reddit
I like sandwiches.
HillbillyEEOLawyer@reddit
The title of the post made me hungry. I really need a Pub Sub.
RanchWaterHose@reddit
Me too!
rosesforthemonsters@reddit
BTDT and would never do it again. Fortunately, circumstances are such that I'll never be asked nor expected to do it again.
I took care of my father for the last 15 years of his life -- he lived with me and my family for three years. It was a nightmare.
VinylHighway@reddit
I love sandwiches
RanchWaterHose@reddit
I’m exactly in that position now; elderly parent with stage 4 cancer and kids that are starting to find their way either in their careers or in their continued education.
I also like sandwiches, by the way, which is why I looked at this thread in the first place.
kentutbersoda@reddit
Sounds like you're walking a fine line between a peaceful household and a reality TV show props for making it work.
ryamanalinda@reddit
My parents are long gone (96' and 05'). I have no kids. I'm thinking I am just a piece of bologna?
CitizenChatt@reddit
🙋🏼 Oldest in college, one more headed that way in a couple years. Mom in assisted-living.
We do what we gotta do.
Rickenbacker138@reddit
Currently sitting in the sandwich , mom is headed for 21 day stay in physical therapy home. And dad thinks I have all the time in the world. I’m married with 3 kids. January 1st 2025 mom had a heart attack at 10:30 pm. What a way to start the year.
porkchopespresso@reddit
I took care of my mom before we had kids, which was really just the period of time that we didn't think we would have kids. If there was a way to do it over I would have preferred to have had my kids first. Learning how to be a parent for my own kids would have made me a much more patient and better caregiver for my mom. I was just so unprepared and ill-equipped and I wish I could have done a better job for her when I think back on it.
Sassberto@reddit
My parents are aging, but mostly able to take care of their own needs still. However, that window is closing fast. I am 3000 miles away, so there is very little I can do on a regular basis. The fact is, they have not really taken care of themselves financially to set themselves up for this stage of life. So it is going to be interesting how it all plays out in the next 10 years.
Helenesdottir@reddit
I was but they're all dead now, so it's an open-face sandwich. I remember my parents talking about the same thing when I was young and my grandparents were still alive. If you have kids and your parents aren't dead yet, you're in the jam.