Did this “No Visiting” boundary exist years ago?
Posted by JDRL320@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 172 comments
I’m seeing all over social media-
New parents who have had a baby and not allowing any visitors including the grandparents for days, weeks or even months.
I absolutely understand if there are complications during/after birth or if there is family drama and conflict may arise if certain people are in the hospital but from what I’ve been reading or watching it’s just perfectly healthy families who just want this boundary of no visitors. It’s actually playing out on my husband’s side of the family right now.
I’m 46 & had our boys in 2004 & 2008 and I can’t imagine not having my parents or in-laws at the hospital to meet their grandchild or making them wait to come over.
So I’m curious- Do we think this was the norm years ago?
mooncrane606@reddit
It changed because of covid and RSV. I don't blame them. Especially if it's grandparents that dismissed covid or didn't get vaccinated.
Subvet98@reddit
It changed long before that
mooncrane606@reddit
I don't know anyone who did it before covid, so I disagree.
mooncrane606@reddit
I don't know anyone who did it before covid so I disagree.
exscapegoat@reddit
I’m older X, 1966. My brother was born in 1969. I vaguely remember when he was born, I wasn’t allowed in the hospital to see him or my mother.
I played with a slinky on some steps outside and my dad, aunt and grandma took turns watching me. My mother spoke to me via an open window. The concern and reason for not letting me in was infectious disease. There were vaccines for measles and rubella. But mumps and chickenpox didn’t have vaccines at the time.
I think these things shift with medical knowledge and changing concerns.
gutbutt-or-guthole@reddit
With our first child we felt obligated to "share" our pregnancy/birth/newborn with family and friends, but by the time #4 came around I was more than happy to say "No" to visits. My kids were all breastfed (no pumped milk and i let them nurse to pacify) so it was necessary for me to be with them 24/7 and I didn't want anyone handling them anyway. My new mom hormones turn me into a real bear. Plus the expectation of having your home visitor ready when you haven't slept, can barely walk, are brimming with hormones, and all the other chaos that comes with a new baby is just insane. I'm also not the kind of person who wants someone else washing my dishes or folding my laundry so visitors weren't helpful even if they wanted to be. When I'm a grandmother someday I 100% plan on letting my kids take the lead on this issue and will happily be there or stay away as they request.
TKD_Mom76@reddit
Honestly, my house would have fallen apart had my mother and mother-in-law (before she showed her batshit craziness) not been in my house after the kids were born. I did the same for my sister after her oldest was born. We went up to visit, my dad watched my kids and Mom and I went to her house and did laundry, swept, mopped, whatever she needed to recover from having the baby. Yes, I also got to hold the baby and have pics of me with her oldest in the hospital, but once she was home, we went to make sure she didn't have to do anything but baby stuff.
I've seen people on AITA asking if they're the asshole for wanting the first weeks/months of baby's life to just be Mom, Dad and baby. It's their kid. They can do what they want. However, I wonder if they realize they're alienating family by doing what they're doing.
JDRL320@reddit (OP)
Your last paragraph 👏
I was talking to the mom yesterday and she seemed rather upset that she didn’t hear from her mother in law for a few days. I mean, I get it. If you aren’t wanted why would you bother trying to communicate.
Even with me & my husband we feel like we were bothering them by sending a text to congratulate them the next day when we found out the baby was born.
Sorchochka@reddit
Even if you’re not welcome, it costs nothing to be gracious. “I’m so happy the baby is here! Please let me know if you need anything as you recover and I can’t wait to see the baby when you’re ready!” That will go a much longer way than just never acknowledging the birth.
I’m pregnant (yes I’m Gen X, I’m just old lol) and the people who I deem useful and trustworthy will be let in, the people who aren’t won’t be. My mother would require intense supervision and my MIL would require hosting. Why would I have them over?
Honestly the take that “if I’m not welcome, what’s the point of even texting” reads as incredibly immature to me, which is a red flag.
JDRL320@reddit (OP)
I did text something very similar to what you quoted actually but felt bad afterwards like I was bothering them.
exscapegoat@reddit
Text is probably the best way to communicate with new parents. They can read it at their convenience and mute notifications if they or their baby is getting much needed sleep.
exscapegoat@reddit
Agreed and I’m saying that as an aunt who waited 2 months to meet my niece. I texted and offered the help I could give (laundry, meals, grocery shopping and takeout) while saying I’d love to meet the baby when ready and sent a card and gift.
I didn’t give birth so it wasn’t about me.
exscapegoat@reddit
I live an hour away from my stepsister and it was a couple of months before I met my niece. It didn’t alienate me. I reached out once the birth was announced and let her know I was willing to grocery shop, do laundry and bring cooked meals or takeout. . I didn’t consider it alienating that I didn’t get invited to meet the baby because I wasn’t the one who gave birth and it wasn’t about me.
Why would anyone consider a new mom expressing what she needed alienating? My stepsister had limited maternity leave so I think part of it was wanting to enjoy one on one time with her baby.
TKD_Mom76@reddit
Thank you. I wonder if people really are that short sighted or if they have such terrible main character syndrome that they can't see what they might have done wrong in these situations.
porkchopespresso@reddit
If someone doesn't want people at their house it's not "main character syndrome" it's about the baby. If you are family and need to make it about yourself because you need to be patient for a week, you're the problem.
TKD_Mom76@reddit
Whatever. Fuck you because your first response was written directly to me.
GenX-ModTeam@reddit
Bad days happen, but there isn’t a need to be cantankerous just for the sake of it. Take a few minutes and come back with a fresh look. You can get your point across without animosity.
porkchopespresso@reddit
Why would I edit my comment to make that part clear if that was true?
KrofftSurvivor@reddit
Yes, apparently many older people are that short sighted and have such terrible main character syndrome that they can't see that their adult children are protecting a newborn, and seem to think that it's all about their own ego...
PupperoniPoodle@reddit
I mean, they just gave birth. If there is ever a time someone has the absolute right to be the main character in their home, surely it is then!
I'd say the ones with the syndrome are the ones who are taking it oh so personally and can't just step back and support the new parents in the way they are asking to be supported.
KrofftSurvivor@reddit
So if you're not allowed to show up in person, there's no point in making a phone call or sending a card or having a video chat - none of which puts the baby at risk???
KrofftSurvivor@reddit
Wanting time to yourself to bond as a new family and protect your new baby from illness isn't ~ alienating~ anyone.
You can call, you can have a video chat to see the baby - it's a pretty big red flag if you decide that a family member protecting the health of a newborn is somehow a personal offense to you.
PupperoniPoodle@reddit
If family is going to make themselves feel alienated just because someone wants to recover from a major medical event and/or bond with their newborn alone, that's on them.
And maybe it's a hint as to why the new parents felt the need to make such a boundary after all.
Consistent-Waltz3540@reddit
I had triplets in 2009.
My mom coming to the hospital and showing up at my home was the worst most invasive experience of the birth.
She was selfish, refused to get a nurse for me when I was in pain (because she was busy with the embroidery she was doing for the kids)
and ...at my home she expected fully prepared meals while I was breastfeeding 3 kids.
She refused to help burp even one baby (and let them vomit and get horrible gas pain). She would lie about them having burped until they were screaming with stomach pain until they finally farted it out 1.5 hours later.
I am absolutely 100% on the side of the new parents who are not wanting visitors for as long as they want. People are often just more work and a distraction.
Breastfeeding is hard, pumping hard, and burping newborns is hard.
Visitors expect you to engage with them and share the baby.
Many moms have a surgical wounds and blood dropping suddenly out of their vagina in clumps for weeks.
Welcoming a visitor while wearing a bloody diaper-like underwear with nipples the size of baby carrots.... should not be forced on anyone.
I cannot imagine how having people with their RSV and COVID and herpes baby kisses and bacteria hands and feet is a value-add to the first few weeks or months of parenting.
RSV transmission is common in fabrics of the clothing you wear.
Everyone will assume the new parents are germ -freaks...but mainly the new mom.
New mom... instantly judged. Not new dad.
Everyone assumes that the new mom is controlling and entitled just because she wants to recover from birthing a child without random people walking in the door.
Once the baby is born, the mom-, judgement begins.
Dad's get a trophy if they hold their baby and change a diaper.
Dad's don't get judged .
Why open the door to this judgement when the door is fine closed?
Moms who want to deal with the nipple infections and nipple squirting without an audience...they are sooo " doing it all wrong"
But they ARE, in an actual senses entitled.
Moms are entitled to heal (alone).
Birthing is hard. The Dad did nothing to bring the baby out of the uterus. The mom had a huge, possibly deadly, medical event.
When a woman has a hysterectomy, no one would be expecting the patient to have visitors and to be chatty.
If a baby comes out of the uterus and the uterus stays in....this is some sort of event planning holiday like a wedding? This idea that birthing a child forces you to open your home to stressful and uninvited guests is weirdly cultural and not remotely logical.
No one has yet to meet the baby so it is a stranger to all.
Why assume would anyone assume they have rights over this entity they have not even met?
Not one single baby is less of a baby when they wait for an invitation.
If they are invited on day one or day two it is because they are WANTED.
Why go someplace or insist on being someplace they are not wanted?
The baby will never remember.
No one "needs" to see the baby ...
it is entirely a "want".
If a new mom and new dad want these people and the entire community and family to leave them alone...
Give them gift certificates to have restaurant food delivery
if you actually care about the mom or the dad at all.
One thing I LOVE about this generation is that they are calling out all the post WWII cultural bullshit that has absolutely NO point.
I especially applaud the people who choose not to have kids simply because they do not want to and never will.
No one should be forced to do what some older collective decided for them for no functional reason: when every alarm is going off and very gut feeling screams "NO!."
Everyone has a life and gets to choose what works for them.
Prior generations were often sahm. These parents have limited time and they decide what they do with it.
exscapegoat@reddit
You make an excellent point about sahm. While companies are more likely to offer maternity leave, it’s still limited. I’m childfree and I can still understand why the new little family unit might want to bond on their own during limited parental leave.
Feralest_Baby@reddit
I just want to applaud and highlight every damn line of this. I'm the dad, but the entitlement and disregard for my wife an her feelings exhibited by my family since we started having kids has been eye-opening.
I'm very sorry you had such a rough experience when you gave birth. You deserved better. Everyone deserves better than that.
scarybottom@reddit
It is vaccine related. Many new parents have parents of their own that are refusing to get COVID, Flu, RSV vaccines. Those are deadly to new borns, before they develop AND get their own vaccines when they re old enough. So many young parents have a vaccine or no visits. Or just no visits (to reduce exposure to germs until the infants system is taking over- especially if mom is unable to nurse), and that leaves it without the conflict over vaccination.
We have more knowledge. But we also have a greater anti-vax issue along side of more respiratory germs that are stronger and more morbidity if not mortality associated with them. I think it's smart- and I respect those boundaries. I have done several meal trains for new parents in my circle, and we drop the meals on the porch and text. Better safe than sorry.
HandleAccomplished11@reddit
No, this has been a thing since at least 2011, when my wife was pregnant with our first.
scarybottom@reddit
It is getting more common the past few years. I don't know when it "started". But it has become MUCH more common in recent years.
I-used2B-a-Valkyrie@reddit
So my firstborn, back in 1999, my parents flew across the country when I went into labor. They wanted to meet Baby and I never even thought to object — my mom stayed for a week, cooked, cleaned, it was wonderful!
My second was born at the height of the Pandemic, about 2 months after the shutdown. Totally different. She was also 10 weeks early and stayed in the NICU for 6 weeks. We weren’t even allowed to visit her together, one of us had to go back to the car and then the other was allowed in. It was crazy. And she was so frail, no one asked to visit. We would have said no.
But yeah I don’t remember that boundary back in the day. I see it a LOT since Covid, though.
tcrhs@reddit
It was normal in my family for everyone to come to the hospital to meet a new baby.
thelordwynter@reddit
I don't remember it being common, but yes... I do recall a few people who refused visitors for a while. I can't remember the reasons, so I can't speak to those, but it DID happen from time to time.
djbuttonup@reddit
Yeah, people knew not to bug a new mom and her family for a few weeks at the very least. When my younger sisters were born folks were so kind and generous with food and helpful little gifts, but they just left them on the porch or handed off to whoever opened the door. Seems like everyone was a lot more blasé about a new baby decades ago; people had more kids, and you just minded your own business better. I remember when my dad called to let his parents know that one of my sisters was born it was actually a week or so later, and their response was "well, let us know when the baptism is and we'll see if we can make it." But, they already had 20 some grandkids by their own 7 children.
Proud-Cockroach5549@reddit
Every generation raises kids with more allergies and weaker immune system all thanks to ever worse helicopter parenting. Thank God I am Gen X before this nonsense all started.
lovebeinganasshole@reddit
I think it’s a couple of different things. For sure definitely pandemic, but more importantly we are 2 generations into helicopter parenting and I think a lot of young adults are over it and using having their own child to exert their independence.
exscapegoat@reddit
This. And you may be including the rise of the anti vaxxers along with the pandemic. So apologies if I’m being repetitive. But given newborns are still developing their immune systems and the rise of anti vaxxers I think some parents are just trying to protect their babies
Proud-Cockroach5549@reddit
Helicopter parents give their kids peanut allergies and weak immune systems because they don’t expose the babies at birth to anything.
HandleAccomplished11@reddit
I don't thinknthe pandemic has much to do with this, it's been a thing since at least 2011, when my wife was pregnant with our first. The nurses at a "new parents/giving birth" class told us to keep family away. We did, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
dreaminginteal@reddit
Why did you do that, and why was it a good thing?
HandleAccomplished11@reddit
Because the first few weeks are for mom and baby, and dad too. She was basically topless, skin to skin, while I attempted to take care of them. We did not want to host anybody. Mom needs total comfort, they don't need to be running a BnB.
Feralest_Baby@reddit
Exactly. My first was born in 2014, and this was already very common.
TARDISinaTEACUP@reddit
I would say rather that having their own child makes them more likely to put their foot down, rather than specifically having a child as an excuse to do so. About that
Just2Breathe@reddit
As a Gen Xer raised to be self-sufficient, I didn’t really want help, or judgement, from our parents. When my teens were born, it wasn’t a blanket rule, but certainly didn’t want anybody with sniffles or other illness symptoms around, and I didn’t want help staying with us (but grands did visit the first few days). We still cancel/postpone stuff is someone is ill. I think it’s going to depend on location and awareness of disease rates, not just a culture of independence.
There’s a LOT of sickness going around right now — influenza, RSV, norovirus, Covid, colds. Even with the pandemic levels down, Covid is out there, it’s having a winter peak (it tending to have two waves a year), and it’s particularly rough on little ones and pregnant people.
ER visits for covid are actually highest among those ages 0-4. Newborn babies don’t have immunity (vaccination is after 6 months). So if I had an infant right now, I would minimize exposure. And I wouldn’t want people who deny the dangers of viruses to be around my infant, especially if they brush off their own symptoms and don’t test for anything.
Proud-Cockroach5549@reddit
Gen X was raised to not worry about minor details like health and safety, which is why we developed immunity. Our immune systems learned early. Nowadays kids have peanut allergies because their parents helicopter them to death, literally.
Violet2393@reddit
Yep. It’s also just a thing that our medical knowledge grows and evolves and more is known about certain health risks than was known before.
My best friend didn’t ban visits but she did require that anyone wanting to visit the baby be current on their TDAP vaccination and flu shots (and these days it would be COVID too). They limited one visitor at a time and had people wash their hands before handling the baby.
These are all smart precautions with an infant who is not able to be immunized yet and is really vulnerable, especially to certain diseases.
I think also there used to be this culture of entitlement to babies, almost as if they were objects and not people. One of my friend’s pet peeves was the amount of random strangers that would come up and just touch her child, including on the face. Or out ther faces right into the baby’s face up close.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to pull back on that. Of course the family should bond with the new member but it doesn’t have to happen all at once and the child should still be acknowledged as a person with their own needs, that may not include being passed around and handled by every single person that wants to.
temerairevm@reddit
I think this hits a bit at something that is new. Lots of families now have people in them that won’t get vaccinated for things including covid that people legitimately want their infants to not get exposed to. It’s not like flu vaccination rates were ever HIGH but a lot of in-laws probably would have vaccinated for it if asked to for an infant’s well being.
Now, nobody wants to tell their MIL that they can’t see the baby because they won’t get vaccinated for flu/covid/RSV, and nobody has the energy for a fight that’s not going to accomplish anything, so “no visitors” is just easier.
As a gen Xer with boomer parents, I would say that there’s never been a situation that was made easier having my mother around anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal. Not having to also manage her emotions is just one less thing to do.
madtownjeff@reddit
And thanks to Covid we now know who who is goign to comply and whi is going to fight.
ArturoChinaco@reddit
This x 10.
Travelchick8@reddit
I honestly think it’s a generation who are not pushovers and who are more focused on their own wellbeing. Visiting at the hospital is a little easier but once they get home, the woman who just gave birth often is forced to play hostess. Even with the best intentions this can occur. So waiting a couple weeks gives her not only time to recover but to also adjust to a craziness of a newborn.
ExtensionOk5542@reddit
I had my first child 25 years ago and had completely different experiences with the grandparents. My parents, particularly my mother, were only helpful. Cooked, did laundry, you name it. My MIL only wanted to hold the baby and was taken aback when I asked that she wash her hands first.
Kickedmetoe@reddit
Where I sm from babies can't get their vaccination until six weeks of age. So why take the risk, its only six weeks. People who were vaxxed against whooping cough and covid could visit, we just didnt go out in crowds.
graceparagonique2024@reddit
Doesn't phase me. You've seen 1 baby, you've seen them all.
CalmCupcake2@reddit
I tried to set boundaries in 2009 but my family just showed up. They were vaccinated though, for the dangerous things, or else I wouldn't have let them in.
DVGower@reddit
Bad behavior by Boomers.
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
Welcome to generation paranoia.
nachocheesebruh@reddit
Not paranoia. Flu/RSV/Norovirus is rampant now with the cold weather. Good for them protecting their newborn’s health.
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
Get a grip.
RCA2CE@reddit
If my kid was that weird - I’d be ok not visiting
bookant@reddit
And that attitude is exactly why you can't trust people to visit. We all should have learned the lesson in 2019 that when you're sick you stay the fuck home and stay away from other people. But as we see all around us every day . . . that didn't happen.
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
Not trusting your parents around your infant sounds more than just someone being sick.
bookant@reddit
Sure. "Something else" can be a lot of thing.
My sister-in-laws parents, for example, are MAGATs who refused to wear masks, do any testing whatsoever or get vaccinated. So my brother and his wife didn't allow to visit their four year old throughout the entire thing.
So it wasn't always "someone being sick," it was also "if and when the are sick, they'll be fucking assholes about it and recklessly risk my child's life because they care more about owning the libs than the do their own grandchild."
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
And you just felt the need to go there with the cute politics shit.
Like I said. Get a grip.
bookant@reddit
The "cute politics shit" is a real life example of the kind of garbage people that can not be trusted to give a shit about anyone else's safety or well being. Exactly the sort of thing these young parents are trying to protect their kids from.
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
Right. Go cry on Monday, gripping your pillow tight.
GenX-ModTeam@reddit
Trolling, rage farming, misinformation, disinformation, flame wars, or any other antagonistic commentary and/or behaviour is not tolerated.
GenX-ModTeam@reddit
All political posts must be in the moderator designated threads only.
Thirty_Helens_Agree@reddit
Jeez - not everyone has Ward and June Cleaver for parents. If you did, hey, that’s terrific, but have a little grace for people with different experiences.
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
Yes, I grew up in a beautiful home with a white picket fence and all the amenities a child could need.
Thanks for playing the assumption game.
GenX-ModTeam@reddit
Trolling, rage farming, misinformation, disinformation, flame wars, or any other antagonistic commentary and/or behaviour is not tolerated.
nachocheesebruh@reddit
Got me there!
Oryx1300@reddit
It generation setting boundaries. There is nothing paranoid about not wanting to take care of guests when you are taking care of a newborn.
MrsSchnitzelO@reddit
Sure.
krakatoa83@reddit
Until they’re vaccinated it best to protect them as much as possible. We allowed visitors but were cautious
No_Maize_230@reddit
Gen X’er. The day after I was born, I was given a set of house keys and I didnt see my parents again for a few months or so.
Few_Policy5764@reddit
I don't know anyone setting these boundaries IRL. I remember way back in the day, uou didn't bring your baby out and about until it was baptized. Very cstholic community. In case the baby died, you wanted the soul to go to heaven and be able to be buried in thr family plot, not in the unbaptized baby section.
Vampchic1975@reddit
I sat the boundary with my first child who was born in 1995.
CoppertopTX@reddit
As a parent with daughters that can answer in "Ask Women Over 40" subs, it was not common at all. As a matter of fact, many folks saw the parents restricting visits as weird.
My request to anyone that wanted to visit when my first was born was they needed to present a current vaccinations card at the front door to be allowed in. The reason for this? My parents didn't get us any of our childhood vaccinations, so we got to suffer through measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox and everything else and I was not about to let anyone get their nasty, germy hands all over my baby.
abelenkpe@reddit
My kids were born in 2004 and 2006. It was recommended they have no visitors for first six weeks. They were both preemies. It was thought to help keep them safe from colds or infection.
TypicalParticular612@reddit
When I had my babies, I wanted everyone to come see them, hold them, love on them. I didn't have family around for my last 2, but plenty of friends that came to visit. When I left the hospital, we went strait to my husband's work showed them off to everyone before we even went home..lol.
My dad took my 1st baby on a horse ride before we even stepped inside the house.
Things are different these days
ComplexAd7820@reddit
I don't understand it either. I can't imagine telling my parents or in-laws not to come to the hospital or not having pictures of my nephews with my newborns. Seems kind of sad.
Thirty_Helens_Agree@reddit
Imagine having some kind of terrible complication that you really want to keep between yourself, your spouse and your doctor, and now imagine someone telling you that it’s “sad” you’re not able to do photos and stuff.
ComplexAd7820@reddit
I mean, if that's the case of course. I was in that position. I didn't mean for that to be taken the way it apparently came across. We can have nuance.
ComplexAd7820@reddit
And another thing...I wouldn't say that to someone...it's just how I feel. If someone doesn't feel that way, cool.
SpeedSaunders@reddit
We didn't have family around right away (was military, posted far away from our families when the kids were born). I don't remember there being a big deal when grandma and auntie came to help out, a week to a month after each one was born. I'm sure there are plenty of individual stories about hard-to-deal-with family members who should probably stay away for awhile, especially if they can't be managed by the dad. And I've noticed more parental caution among current 20- and 30-somethings, which needs to be respected (but they need to communicate expectations in a mature fashion, too). As a general rule, I'd advise just asking for and following the guidance of the medical staff if that is a help.
UnderlyingConfusion@reddit
If you aren’t going to actually help out by cooking, cleaning etc and expect for it to be a normal visit then keep your ass at home. Your visit actually makes things much worse if you expect to be waited on during your stay. Even if you do help, your presence causes drama and stress. Respect their wishes and be patient. You aren’t entitled to anything.
BulljiveBots@reddit
Whenever one of her kids would have a baby, my mom would fly in and become the chef, housekeeper, babysitter, etc. for about a month then hit the road. She was good like that.
Beth_Pleasant@reddit
My mom was like this for my sister. But my sisters ex MIL just sat around, asking what's for dinner.
OctopusParrot@reddit
That sounds amazing. My mother said would do that for both of our kids and then just... didn't. Would have been nice, but oh well.
forrentnotsale@reddit
My mom would make a few weeks worth of frozen dinners, drop them off, snuggle the baby for a few minutes, then take off. She got it lol
UnderlyingConfusion@reddit
That’s great. We’ve had mixed results with our mothers.
Expensive-Tutor2078@reddit
💯
ElfRoyal@reddit
Your comment reminded me of my children's birth. My mother insisted on coming for a week. But not to do laundry or cook..... she thought she was being helpful by holding the baby while *I* did the laundry and cooked. After a c-section. 2nd kid was a VBAC which was actually harder to recover from. I could have recovered much better had she not been there.
lumberjackname@reddit
This. If I thought my parents and in-laws would have been helpful, I would have not set up any boundaries. But I learned after having my first baby that their plan was to sit in my house expecting me to clean up after them and cook them meals, get mad at me for taking the baby away to feed her, and question my choice to breastfeed. I think new parents nowadays are not as scared to set boundaries and I applaud it. Lots of older people are selfish and clueless about proper etiquette around newborns.
nixtarx@reddit
Babies and the extreme elderly are most at risk for infection andneven leaving covid, rav etc out it's cold and flu season.
CleverGirlRawr@reddit
I had my entire family (uncles, cousins) and good friends come to the hospital, and everyone held the baby there and as soon as I got home too.
I had everyone over for my birthday/meet the babies 2 weeks after I had twins because my recovery was a little rougher. I never considered waiting longer. I know why people do it, but it’s not something I considered.
Strangewhine88@reddit
In some families where I live in the rural southeast US this has been a tradition for generations. Baby and mom don’t leave the house for up to two months, no one touches the new baby except for family in the house. From what a work mate of mine said this was the rule, in part for protection from disease where access to medical care was limited. Goes back in her family to at least her great grandmother as far as enforcement of family rules. Where this trend is coming from, I’m not sure but all the reverting to traditional forms of wellness, growth in anti vax movement, and with the impact of a pandemic, it’s cultural transmission with a modern twist.
tragicsandwichblogs@reddit
My daughter was born in 2010, and by then I'd seen years of parents who were advised to keep visitors to a minimum to limit what their baby was exposed to.
I have one friend who basically quarantined for months and a relative who took her newborns to her school on the way home from the hospital and passed them around the elementary school class.
We decided on middle ground, which means we had one or two people over at a time, but also took her to Costco.
All of these babies have grown up to be functional adults (teen, in our case), so I think people should do what works best for them.
Big_Establishment304@reddit
I'm GenX, gave birth to my babies in 1996 & '98. HOW I wish I'd been able to be more assertive and set boundaries back then in my mid-20s. I wish my husband had been able to put me first, as well. The bottom line was "they're family so we have to say yes to them being here" period. I fully support and applaud young women of this generation who are able to speak up and set those boundaries for themselves and their babies as they see fit. It's an exhausting and emotional time when mom needs to heal and adapt to this huge new norm, baby needs to be protected, and unfortunately not everyone's family and friends are "helpers". Go moms (and dads).
JJQuantum@reddit
Yeah this is a thing and I honestly don’t know why it’s happening. Maybe paranoia after Covid?
90Carat@reddit
Yeah. I first saw it with an inlaw a couple of decades ago. New Mom with new baby was freaked out to have other people around perfectly healthy baby for several months.
OutrageousTie1573@reddit
A week doesn't seem very long. I still felt like miserable hell after my 4th after a week and had 3 other kids to take care of.Visitors sound like an awful addition to the slog.
Slow-Complaint-3273@reddit
This trend is kind of a return to what was considered normal long ago. It’s called “closeting in”. Before hospital births, women had their babies at home attended by a midwife and her female family and friends. These attending women also helped manage the home and support the new mother while the she was laboring and after the birth. The larger family and the community didn’t get to meet the baby or see the new mom until they left the house for the baby’s Christening. That signaled that the family was ready to receive visitors.
cryptogryphon@reddit
Comment needs more upvotes - it used to be called "confinement" in the UK (sounds a bit awful to modern ears, but meanings change yadda yadda).
ZetaWMo4@reddit
It existed for me because of my husband. I was pretty indifferent to visitors but my husband put his foot down on it. Only my mom who acted as our night nurse and my dad who can’t stand being away from his wife were allowed over the first few weeks. As I had more and more children I became really appreciative of the boundary my husband had set. It gave us time to get the older kids adjusted to a new sibling and for us to adjust as a family. And to the credit of my family and friends no one ever complained or gave any pushback on it.
twstdbydsn@reddit
For sure 10 years ago I was at the hospital within hours of my niece being born.
GnG4U@reddit
After I had my daughter I coined the phrase “help that isn’t helpful doesn’t qualify as help” because everyone who said they were coming over to “help” just made my life more difficult. More power to these young moms putting their feet down!
purpleflyingmonster@reddit
Childbirth is a hell of a circumstance for many people. Women and babies in the US have some of the worst outcomes in the developed world. New moms and babies should be healing and bonding in a calm quiet environment.
Also, being a healthy person does not mean you aren’t carrying the common circulating respiratory virus of the season. This is basically the worst time of year to have a newborn, and therefore the time of the year that the most strict boundaries will be in place with newborns and moms who are healing. I think it should be absolutely respected and encouraged. The entitlement people have with their need to see and touch a newborn is ridiculous. The best way to be supportive is to take care of mom and dad and how they are telling you they need to be taken care of. New parents are learning a lot about how you respond to these things, so if you would like that child to be in your life for the foreseeable future, I suggest respecting what the parents say, whether or not you agree with it.
ProudIntention6554@reddit
There are cultures that practice not allowing visitors until 3 months or 100 days. Sounds like this isn't a norm for you? It stems from the newborn not having their own immunizations from diseases. You do not want the parents to continue to have sleepless nights. Also, they're not in the mood to host anyone right now. Let them do their thing and wait for the invitation.
Status_Silver_5114@reddit
Covid RSV and flu season? Not to mention whooping cough? Yeah the oldies can wait.
Demented-Alpaca@reddit
I think there are a few things at play but the biggest, by far, is the impact of social media.
The next thing that's likely to cause an increase is more medical knowledge. We now know more today than we did even 5 years ago about human development, disease risks in newborns etc. There is more information out that says it might be better to restrict access for the first little bit.
The last thing I'll hit on is that our society, especially in the US, but it seems lots of places outside of the US as well, is incredibly divided right now. Much of that goes back to social media, but the number of people who are cutting families out of their lives over politics, religion or other social things has climbed in recent months and that's obviously going to spill over to this topic.
So is it up? Probably. Is it up dramatically? Probably not. It's likely just an example of Social Media blowing things out of proportion.
At least that's my wild ass guess and I'm probably at least 90% likely to be wrong!
No-Sympathy-686@reddit
Most family just make things worse and aren't helpful.
KrofftSurvivor@reddit
It was the norm for many cultures, for a very long time for the mother to have a lengthy ~lying in~ period of a few months with the newborn, and usually only her own closest female relatives and her partner would be with her and the baby.
The idea of taking a newborn everywhere and around everyone is far more recent, but yes, it was fairly common during gen x's childhood.
Also common - in 1960, 25 out of 1000 infants born alive did not make it to their first birthday. By 1980, that number was halved.
Given the number of illnesses that are mild for adults, but can kill a newborn, it's not unreasonable for today's parents, who have access to a great deal more information than either we or our parents did when first having children, to decide to limit baby's risk until they've had their two month vaccinations, and get used to being on this planet, lol
OreoSpeedwaggon@reddit
Not wanting visitors after the birth of a new baby seems reasonable to me.
Publicly announcing that request on social media though sounds more like an attempt to garner attention.
ouch_that_hurts_@reddit
Many people use social media to communicate to large groups of people. I can understand posting it rather than sending individual texts or calls to 10+ people.
Thirty_Helens_Agree@reddit
And having 10+ arguments.
Auntie: “When can I come see the baby?”
Mom: “I’m, sorry, but I’m not up to having visitors right now.”
Auntie: “why not?!”
Incoming call from Auntie
Embarrassed_Hat_2904@reddit
I don’t get it! Everyone I knew was at the hospital to visit me and the baby and I loved it. I couldn’t imagine telling my loved ones to back off and let me bond and to come back when the kids old enough to talk. As if having family around to love on the baby means you can’t bond.🙄
Oryx1300@reddit
To me, having family around meant I had extra people in the house to cater too and take care of, on top of no sleep, bleeding heavily and learning how to nurse. I wanted them all to get the f out. They don`t have to wait until the kids are old enough to take but waiting a month or two is great. Plus, we have FaceTime now, they can see the baby.
Embarrassed_Hat_2904@reddit
That sucks, cuz I was the one being catered to and taken care of while bleeding heavily and learning how to nurse. I couldn’t imagine telling my family they could only see the baby on their phone. Sorry you didn’t have a good support system to help you with your recovery.
Oryx1300@reddit
Thank you and you’re absolutely right. It would have been a very different experience if anyone had been there to help.
Oryx1300@reddit
I am the opposite, I cannot imagine having parents or in-laws at the hospital?! I had mine in 2012 and 2015 and hell no I didn`t want anyone at the hospital while I pushed out a baby. It`s really not about the grandparents and their right to see a new baby. The mother and baby need time to rest, bond, learn how to nurse, sleep, etc. The is very hard to do with a constant stream of visitors. When I was having trouble nursing and still had to make dinner for my father-in-law, I wished so much that he would go away. Waiting a couple of weeks won't kill anyone and it will allow mum and baby some time to get the swing of things.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
My husband video recorded the whole thing in all its gruesome glory with my mother standing right next to him.
Icy_Measurement_2530@reddit
My recollection is that it started when the late Boomers were having kids (I’m 56 and am talking about the folks 6-10 years older than us.). They were the ones to first change the rules from how we grew up. They brought in the “no visits” and participation medals and coddling the crap out of their kids that they created a fragile generation.
RaspberryVespa@reddit
This definitely seems to be a modern white suburban thing, and to me, it’s fucking weird. But also … meh, I don’t really care.
Icy-Cod-3985@reddit
I wish I knew about better boundaries when I had mine via c-section as a single mother so many years ago. Family showed up, but they messed up my house, criticized my fridge choices, and expected me to host while they held my newborn. It was exhausting.
I'm glad this generation is taking these issues, but I am seeing some harsh, punitive treatment of grandparents that far surpasses boundary-setting, too.
Newborns do have immunity growth ahead, so safety is important. But, some of these new parents are not considering some safety measures that allow grandparent time with the kiddos.
archbid@reddit
Good lord. Kids need to be held. A lot. Especially in the first two years.
Isolation feels like a poor idea from a mental health and social standpoint
whyisthissohard338@reddit
Just because the parents are not open to visitors doesn't mean the baby is being neglected and not held. LOL
Illustrious-Pea-7105@reddit
This is common practice in other country’s and makes sense as far as bonding is concerned. It also is an easy way to protect your child’s health now that so many people have decided vaccines are so passé.
anonlaw@reddit
I think pre-covid it was not the norm. My daughter had a baby in January 22 and I came for a week after her husband was going back to work to help clean and cook and provide whatever guidance I could on breastfeeding.
She also had a baby in October '24 and her husband had a longer paternity leave. When I asked when she wanted me to come visit (I live halfway across the country), she picked a date after her husband went back to work, when sweetie baby was 6 weeks. My parents (the great grandparents) didn't get to see her until Christmas, despite living just a few hours away.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
Omg my mother would have disowned me. She strong armed her way into being in the delivery room when both mine were born and arrived at my house with her suitcases beforehand. Stayed for two or three weeks, I forget.
Other than that, we didn't have a huge group of friends or family. My sister came to the hospital, but gave me some space and visited about a week later with her family. Same with my dad.
I can see a worry about covid nowadays, but there's protocols to minimize that risk. (Having people wear masks and take a test before visiting, etc).
I can also see wanting to bond as a family for those first few weeks that are the toughest.
But months seems excessive IMO.
TARDISinaTEACUP@reddit
I suppose it depends on the person’s relationship with their parents as adults. As time went on, people became more willing to put their foot down regarding the attitudes and behaviors of the grandparents, rather than just suffering in silence slowly building up resentment until things come to a head and explode… which I think ultimately preserves more relationships than it destroys.
rosesforthemonsters@reddit
My kids were born in 1998 and 2006 -- I put restrictions on visitors at the hospital. I had extremely difficult deliveries, both times. I wanted to rest and have some privacy. No one was permitted to come to my hospital room, except my husband. Everyone was told that they would not be able to see me or the babies at the hospital. If anyone were to disrespect my wishes, they would have been turned away at the nurse's station, anyway.
beaveristired@reddit
This will be downvoted, but I’ll be honest. I would probably want to protect my baby from Covid. Having Covid as an infant isn’t good, we don’t yet know what kind of damage it can do long term yet. I’d feel terrible if later my kid had some sort of medical thing because of a virus (it’s pretty common for viruses to cause additional / long term issues, think HPV and cancer or chicken pox and shingles or EBV and MS). I also want to avoid norovirus or RSV or flu or whatever gross shit is spreading, for my baby and myself, especially post-partum. So yeah, I might be extra cautious, or ask for masks.
Ultimately, it’s up to the parents, and I will respect whatever they decide, no judgement.
whyisthissohard338@reddit
We're right in the middle of RSV/FLU/COVID season. I would think a parent stupid if they didn't isolate their newborn right now. I totally judge.
wildrose76@reddit
No downvotes for that. I’ve seen too many stories in recent years of babies dying because they caught Covid or RSV from a family member. An acquaintance lost her 9 month old just days before Christmas because an older child got sick at school and brought it home to the baby. So being cautious about allowing people around a vulnerable baby, particularly a newborn, is smart.
Marigold1976@reddit
Boundaries are fine, but yes they can get a little weird. I was on a meal train for a new family and they literally left a note in the front porch on top of the cooler telling friends to leave the meal in the cooler and go. The “no contact” mantra lasted a long time. It was a hot topic in the group for a bit. Personally I kept my voice out of that discussion but I was not surprised when the friendship with that person drifted. No contact rules have a way of turning into, “out of sight, out of mind”.
Covfam73@reddit
There could be some post partem depression or other birth related issues and the couple are just needing space to recover, we do things differently because we are better educated. For example we recognize PTSD for those who experience physical and emotional trauma and that its a real thing and we try to help those with it instead of saying suck it up so what you lost 5 friends to an ied!.
The same is with birth, we know better about Post partem issues for both mother and father now day than when we grew up, remember in the 60's & 70's women were sent to sanitarium for everything under the guise of hysteria against their wills.. a practice not acceptable now.
LooLu999@reddit
People are so into cutting everyone off for the slightest too. Oh, you did something to offend me? You can’t talk to me or my kids anymore 🥴 It’s sick.
Thirty_Helens_Agree@reddit
What did you say?
texas_godfather830@reddit
So true. So I’ve just started telling people I voted for the new guy, and all of a sudden people have stopped talking to me…lmao…silence is bliss!!!…
Iforgotmypwrd@reddit
My sisters’ stepdaughter didn’t want her or her dad around for 3 months, this was soon after Covid, but all restrictions had been lifted. They thought it was excessive and weren’t happy that they couldn’t see their first grandbaby as a newborn. I do think the bio gma got to see the baby sooner but not right away
OddSprinkles3622@reddit
My mother in law would not let me alone after my first. It drove me crazy having her show up(many times unannounced with other people in tow), kiss my baby in the mouth,and just want to sit around. I had had a c section and an infection set in right after. Obviously I didn’t feel good, so her presence did not help.
semicoloradonative@reddit
I don't think it is a generational thing or anything like that. People like this have always existed and you are just seeing it more since it is on Social Media. People tend to associate with people who are "like minded" so it would be common (before Social Media) to not really know this is happening, but the rise of social media has provided people with much easier access to people who don't think like them.
Full disclaimer...When we had our kids, EVERYONE came to visit (at the hospital and at home).
JDRL320@reddit (OP)
This is such a good point!
GeXmomnumbersgirl@reddit
No one knows what this new Mom is going through. We don’t all feel the same after child birth. I would never show up at a new mom’s house without a meal and case of diapers. But there are people who will and it can get ugly if guests are expecting new parents to also be hosts.
mfcgamer@reddit
You’re not imagining things, this is definitely a “trend” in recent years. I suspect some social media “influencer” are telling parents that this no-visitors thing was a good idea.
When my youngest niece was born (in the hospital early in the morning), I was working a night shift and told my boss I need to leave work an hour early. Boss asked why and I said my goddaughter was just born, I’m rushing to see her! Boss was totally understanding. I was allowed to hold the baby girl in my arms that morning. 7 years later that girl and I have a strong bond.
Terrible_Bronco@reddit
I think it’s fear based. I’m guilty of that myself until I started to think of all the things I survived.😂 We think everything will hurt or kill our kids.
stevemm70@reddit
We had quite the party in the delivery room (the rooms in our local hospital were enormous at the time) after delivering both of our kids. All of our living parents were there, plus 6-8 good friends ... all at the same time. Our kids are now 20 and 22. We also had friends coming in and out of the house for a few days after we returned home because they "gotta see the baby."
n00dlegoat@reddit
Late nineties my mom was at the hospital. She came over every single day to help with whatever I needed. That goodness, she died 4 weeks later
JDRL320@reddit (OP)
Oh my, I’m so sorry 😞
gollo9652@reddit
We had the whole family in the birthing room’ until they got tired and went home. A couple of years later my cousin had a premie boy and no one was allowed in her house for a couple of weeks after he came home. I think Covid made everyone either little bit over cautious or under cautious. The premie baby is now six five and almost 30 by the way
virtual_gnus@reddit
Customs change when we learn new things. It's ok and expected. It's not a personal attack or anyone "being a snowflake".
vanisleone@reddit
I've never seen this behavior until recently. Honestly, I find it a little strange.
slop1010101@reddit
We had ours during covid - so that was our reason no one could visit in the hospital.
But soon as we went home, grandparents happily visited within a week.
So yeah, I think it's kinda dumb.
Cheddarbaybiskits@reddit
Well a lot of family expects you to play host to them while you’re still physically recovering, and they want to hold the baby and not offer any help cooking or cleaning, which is what you really need. F that.
I told everyone no visitors for a week so we could get into our own rhythm as a new family. I didn’t meet my nephew for a month after he was born. And I was fine with that.
No one is entitled to see someone else’s newborn.
Affectionate-Map2583@reddit
I can understand limits in the first few days, but the baby's grandparents should probably be exempt from those limits.
When I had my kid, I was sent home from the hospital the next day, and my parents and my XH's parents were all there at the house and having a big dinner and generally acting like it was a party. I did feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. I had this new human here, had to figure out what to do with him, and was exhausted from giving birth. I really did wish they'd all just go away. After the first couple of days, they all did except for my mother, who stayed another week or so to help out.
AnnabellaPies@reddit
For my last one, I had one party where everyone could visit then just chilled for a few weeks. I was in the hospital and had surgery during my pregnancy, so I was over being around people.
It is pretty common in the community I grew up in that you don't take babies out the house for the first few weeks and the inner circle help the mom out and everyone else just waits to visit
Writefrommyheart@reddit
Does it really matter? If that's how the parents feel, that's how they feel, and also there's been a pandemic since 2004-2008, that likely changed how people feel about letting others too close to their babies.
A lot of things that were the norm years ago, letting the baby cry it out, are no longer the norm. And it's actually recommended that: Parents can decide when to let people around their newborn, but it's generally recommended to wait until the baby is at least two to three months old. This is when their immune system is stronger and the risk of illness is lower.
They might be going on the advice of their doctor, and it's the time of the year when many people are sick. Maybe it's an overabundance of precaution, but it is their child and their call to make. Every parent is different.
davekva@reddit
My parents and in-laws were at the hospital the day of the birth of both of our kids. Couldn't imagine it any other way. My niece and nephew, both millenials, both had family at the hospital on the day their kids were born, so I don't know if it's a generational thing. It might just be personal preference.
eweguess@reddit
Personally I could have used some more distance when I had mine in 1996. My husband’s whole immediate family crowded into the delivery room as I was pushing. No one asked me if I wanted all my in-laws staring at my vagina. Luckily after the birth they all went away (including my husband) so I got a few days of peace in the hospital with my baby. My dad came to visit on ten third day or so and brought me all my favorite foods.\ If anyone was wondering, no that marriage didn’t last very long haha.
NedRyerson92@reddit
My first baby, I was with her at Target 2 days after she was born. My second baby was a preemie and in the NICU for over a month, so we had no visitors for 6 weeks as directed. I was bummed, but it was also during Flu Season, so we obliged.
ZeeItFirst@reddit
Haven't heard about this one. Maybe some weird hold over from Covid stuff? Doesn't seem to exist in my sphere.
I'm 47, my daughter was born in 2018, and the grandparents came and met our daughter within the first couple weeks of her coming home from the hospital. We visited with family over the holidays shortly after and while short she was introduced to aunts, uncles, cousins, etc at that time.
I know a Millennial that recently had kids and even this past year the grandparents were there right away.
Beneficial_Skill6714@reddit
I think it’s to plan that Facebook moment, as is everything else.
ChillmerAmy@reddit
My first baby was pre-Covid (2019) and we had visitors in the hospital. The second was in 2023 and we could not have visitors. But as soon as I was home grandpa and sister came over. I would never want anyone in the delivery room but visitors at home were nice and welcome.
arabrab12@reddit
I think new moms are finally feeling empowered to set boundaries. I had my mom at the hospital. That was it. I didn’t want my in laws there and really didn’t want them there right away. Women felt that they had to allow everyone despite feeling awful after pushing a watermelon out of their vagina and essentially gushing blood - the expectation was there. Combine that with the fact that we are more aware of contagions (RSV, flu covid) I don’t blame them one bit to limit contact with a newborn. I’m glad this generation is standing up for their health and their babies.
thaway071743@reddit
I made our parents wait a week or so. I just didn’t want to be around a lot of people.
Thirty_Helens_Agree@reddit
Of course I remember that stuff years ago.
And the reasons are none of anyone else’s business. You have no way of knowing whether they are “perfectly healthy families,” or what their concerns might be. They have no obligation to share their reasons either.
porkchopespresso@reddit
Our first we definitely had friends and family in the hospital and to the house for anyone local. But we did tell her parents not to fly in right away, we asked them to give us a week. They would be staying with us and the thought of picking up from the airport, and hosting guests in our place immediately after having a baby felt like more than we were interested in. We wanted to get settled a tiny bit before we added more people into the mix. My wife was also recovering from her c-section so she also needed a little bit of attending to the first day or two after we got home.
Feralest_Baby@reddit
I'm 46 but started having kids late, so I'm in the thick of it now. Everyone is different. No one needs to justify their boundaries to you. My wife didn't want guests soon after we had the babies, so guess what? No guests. It doesn't have to make sense to you, you just have to respect it. She gave birth. It's not about you.
TheGhostInAJar@reddit
Might be worried about unvaxed visitors?
Separate-Swordfish40@reddit
My kids are nearly grown. With that being said, I can understand this. The new parents are nesting, enjoying the experience, and keeping baby from exposure to germs. Also some grandparents are an extra burden to manage, not a help. I said what I said.
ScarletRobin31415@reddit
I had my son in 2003 and absolutely did not want to be bothered with anyone. No one was at the hospital with me and I think it was a month after he was born before I was okay with visitors.
I think it’s a highly personal preference, and nothing new.
Humble-Membership-28@reddit
I had mine in that same era, and I was showing off my babies to everyone who would have us 😄