This is a concern. Between us all seven parents/ step parents have died. Four passed before moving across the ocean, the last three while living abroad.

Step one: get the housing situation figured out. For us this was a continuum of care in a senior housing campus. This means they started out in an independent living situation but with one meal per day, communal dining. My savvy German stepmom managed to cover lunch and breakfast with this too! (Big purse and Tupperware! This cracked me up!)

As health issues came up they moved to higher levels of care. My folks were easy, very realistic and gave up their car without even needing a conversation, moved as needed. My in-laws no. This was a battle.

When my dad had a fall (falling is always bad) I made regular visits to make sure they were okay. My stepmom had an aneurism one week after my dad got home from rehabilitation care. Now I had to step up because she was the one who managed meds, appointments, etc. The benefit of senior living is (or should be) the availability of help, weekly nurse check ins, med set-up, even housekeeping. As they need more you add services.

Family dynamics are interesting. I have two living siblings, one religiously shirks responsibility and the other couldn’t travel due to health concerns. That’s a whole other story but you just dig in. I was lucky because I had a cousin-in-law in their town who was a saint. He and my dad were both pilots and loved swapping stories. He would help in a pinch and enjoyed stopping by socially so he was eyes and ears for me.

With all but one (of the 7 parental figures) we had ensured that trusts (wills), medical preferences, medical power of attorney, etc was set up. Funerals were paid for and discussed. We knew what was going to happen. (Note: this is in the USA)

But still, each ending is unique. I spent the last few weeks with my dad. I will say hospice nurses are angels and I learned so much.

My father-in-law was similar, he was afraid to die so fought it, therefore his hospice time was lengthier and he needed more time. The siblings-in-law struggled with what to do so we stepped in and managed. It’s a lot of paperwork and coordinating.

If I were setting it up again?

Have the honest conversations (this is the toughest part). Get end of life stuff set up (wills, medical mandate-and give a copy to physician, the local hospital and living campus administrator; powers of attorney, etc.). Ask where valuables are kept, who gets what? Get passcodes. Talk to financial advisors or planners with them. Get to know their “team.”

Be honest, loving and respectful. Listen. A lot.

Get the housing situated. If they don’t want to leave the family home yet ask about the plan to maintain it and what will be the indication that it’s time to move to more care. It is easier to move when they are still healthy.

Plan moves, etc. when you are back for visits.

Ideally find a campus situation with a continuum of care. This is a lifesaver because now all your resources are right there. You have eyes and ears on them and they will help you make sure they are safe. They will also give you feedback—quick flights back are expensive. But if you know they are struggling you can plan a trip in 30 days—be proactive in this.

Your partner needs to be in agreement with you. As a result of parent illness you may have to skip family vacations this year, etc.

Find a local ally. This could be a social worker at their senior campus or a friend from church.

It’s expensive. Budget some money for emergency travel. Dad-in-law set up an account to help with these expenses because he didn’t want to be alone at the end and he knew it was a financial hardship. This was a result of those honest conversations (and I realize not everyone has the wherewithal to do this).

It’s smart that you are planning ahead. It also made me look at how I’m living my life. Now that I’m “orphaned” 😳 how do I want the rest of my life to look? My children are busy living their lives and likely won’t do what I did so I have to figure it out.

Sorry this got long.

Your folks are lucky to have you. Thank you for putting the energy into this.