I am struggling so much lately

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Coraline1599@reddit

It might be hormones. I am 47, single, never married, haven’t been able to score a date or human touch that is romantic in 15 years. Most of the time I am completely fine and go about my life accepting that things didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

Last year, for a solid week I needed to have a baby. I was obsessed with the idea like I never had been in my entire life. It was all consuming and then all those feelings left as fast as they came.

This past Monday I slept maybe 2 hours and spent most of the night crying because I was sad I couldn’t find a partner. Like deep visceral crying. It was brutal, then it passed.

I haven’t had episodes like this before. It’s wild.

But you also sound like you might be struggling with depression. Depression is like a new narrator steps in and starts narrating your life in a sad and hopeless way constantly.

You get a fun house mirror view of your life but to you it feels like the truest and realest version of w- like finally these deep truths are revealed.

You can still spot it like if you are thinking you are the worst person ever, you can lost through facts about the things you do, which are probably very normal, spend time with family/friends, work, play, do chores, and not anything like you are actually doing bad things and no one will be making a true crime podcast based on your life.

Sometimes you can correct on your own. Sometimes you need a therapist, and sometimes you need medication.

Your time was not wasted. Who you were and what you did got you here today.

Time is short on earth, personally, I found the secular Buddhism podcast really helpful recently in approaching grief, loss, and making peace with myself.

Do not give up on yourself. Do what you can to find the right approach to treat this tough time, you can come out the other side.

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AnonyMouseSnatcher@reddit

Time is short on earth, personally, I found the secular Buddhism podcast really helpful recently in approaching grief, loss, and making peace with myself.

Buddhism is something i've been interested in since I was a kid and i knew i'd have plenty of free-time with the impending 'rona pandemic, so I ordered a bunch of books about Buddhism in preparation for the lockdown. And i'm so glad i did.

Not a religious person but studying/looking into Buddhism has genuinely helped and comforted me with things like my fears of the future and growing older, feelings that i've "wasted" my younger years, worries about my friends & fam getting sick and dying, etc. Those things are still on my mind but i can handle them better now. Like that GD song, i know i will get by, i will survive

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mapett@reddit

Any particular book you recommend?

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AnonyMouseSnatcher@reddit

Entering the Stream. That was where I seriously started. I mean, i'd skimmed through various Intro books that give quick, concise, broad overviews (like The Idiot's Guide To... books) and those are good for basic facts but they're written very plain and very dry, so they capture any of the heart or magic of the subject.

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chickinthenocehouse@reddit

I hope you feel better. Don't feel bad that you haven't met someone. Nothing lasts forever these days and you completely skipped having to heal from that heartbreak.

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Roomination@reddit

We could be the same person. TBH I’m trying to love myself as much as I can and connecting with friends and family too. Most days I love my life.

Baby fever, visceral crying pain, loneliness, regret for lost youth, feeling unattractive and invisible to men, feeling like I have a hole in my soul somewhere and it will never be filled - those are all feelings I’ve had in my forties. It’s temporary and miserable when it comes on but it passes and I feel good again.

44, single, no children, never married, in recovery for 5 years. Been treated for chronic depression for a long time now. You are not alone ❤️

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Coraline1599@reddit

Thanks, I am the only person I know that is like me and sometimes I feel like I must have messed up so badly to be so different than everyone else.

It helps to know that I am not alone and I wish you all the best.

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skeeter_333@reddit

I’m interested in this podcast.

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Coraline1599@reddit

Sure! It’s this one https://secularbuddhism.com/

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skeeter_333@reddit

Thanks!

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flash_match@reddit

Dang. Your description of depression is spot on. I heard a quote once about how being depressed feels like you’ve committed a crime for which you’re being rightfully punished. And when you get relief from the depression it’s like you’ve been proven innocent. That resonated with me so deeply. Depression truly makes you feel like a worthless person who deserves to be kicked in the stomach and left to rot.

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DocBEsq@reddit

This is a brilliant response. I love the thought of depression as a “new narrator.” It’s so, so true and actually explains my depression in a way nothing else has.

Thank you.

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Gemini_writer8@reddit

I'm 45, single, never married, and live alone (except for my two cats) . I just started trying to date again after going 16 years without a date, but those dates went nowhere, so I'm still without human touch.

Some days, I feel completely fine with where I am in life, and some days, I'm not. I wanted kids when I was younger, but now I just foster kittens, and that satisfies my motherly instincts. I always thought that I hated physical touch, but now I crave it. I try to be patient with myself, but it's hard. I still feel young and look relatively young, but I know that I'm never going to be this young again, and time isn't promised. I'd love to know what it's like to be loved at least once before my time is up.

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UnsupervisedBacon@reddit

Thank you for sharing, this hit very close to home for me. I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty.

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KnifeFightAcademy@reddit

I read this twice.
Went to reply.
Felt stupid.
Scrolled away ... yet here I am, back on this comment.

I just wanted to say that there is such a vulnerable transparency to your writing. I feel like Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service might be your Love Languages here.

Dude, you deserve love, and you deserve how you need to be loved. I'm sorry you're feeling this way but genuinely proud of you for finding calm in what sounds to be an incredibly frustrating time.

There is an accomplished life in progress here, and I hope you know you are seen and valued.

Keep walking the path you are on.
There are some cool adventures up ahead.

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Coraline1599@reddit

Thank you, kind stranger!

Your words touched me and brightened my day.

May you have many awesome days ahead as well.

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Criticism-Lazy@reddit

Fucking wholesome shit, our micro gen is the best.

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Sparklefanny_Deluxe@reddit

If I didn’t have a game group and estradiol, I’d be dead by now. Menopause is harsh

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Cognitums@reddit

Life is currently shit right now, you are not alone. ♥️

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chickinthenocehouse@reddit

You are going through menopause or perimenopause atleast. Go see your doctor. Get your hormone levels checked. I went through the exact same thing. You will be okay. I promise.

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dkitchens143@reddit

I completely understand. I’m in the same place right now also. I’m 46 and my parents both just turned 70 last year. 70!! Where did the time go?!?!! And the thought of losing them crushes me! I’m also not sure how to deal with these feelings/thoughts. Hi friend, I’m here👋🏼

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TheRealMickey@reddit

If they’re still here, go talk to your parents and tell them all of this. Don’t wait.

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PawsbeforePeople1313@reddit

You have a home, a family, and a career. You're more than blessed.

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Overall_Shoe947@reddit

I have pancreatic cancer and am dying and I totally know what you mean. It’s like being stuck. You’re stuck in the past trying to move past your regrets. Since my diagnosis I’m stuck in the present not really able to live I feel like I’m just waiting to die. Either way we are kind of all in the same boat stuck. I wish I could tell you how to move past it but I don’t even know for myself. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I hope you find away to get unstuck.

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thesunseaandsky79@reddit (OP)

Same to you❤️

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Intelligent_Flow2572@reddit

Look into perimenopause and see if that’s affecting you too. We’re that age (also 45).

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Muderous_Teapot548@reddit

Came here to say this. u/thesunseaandsky79 have you had your hormones checked yet? Also, in addition to that, 45 starts one of the hardest periods of most people's lives (hence the midlife crisis). We begin to realize we're on the wrong side of time and rethink all of our decisions. PLUS, it's winter and depending on where you live, SAD may be hitting you, as well.

FWIW, I'll be 48 in March, and have recently come to grips with all the stupid and bad things I've done in life. I went into 47 with regrets, and I'm leaving it without them. You said you have a good life with your spouse and stepdaughter. Remember that EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO LEAD YOU TO THIS LIFE, mistakes and bad decisions, too. Forgive yourself.

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WeathermanOnTheTown@reddit

Researchers who study happiness have isolated age 47 as the absolute rock bottom for human happiness. It turns out we really are hormone driven.

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porchepilatesprincss@reddit

This. Im 45 and that sub made me realize Im not crazy, just entering peri. My hormones will cause some dark scary thoughts. You're not alone OP

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Lovelene_18@reddit

I’m almost 42 and peri is affected me 😂😭😭😭

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8076934291@reddit

Yes! My wife recently started appointments with the Midi Clinic/Midi Health and she has been a totaly different (in a good way) person.

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Busy_Raisin_6723@reddit

I’m thinking about this and I’m 59. I don’t know if they do it though due to my age.

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jojocookiedough@reddit

My MIL just turned 90 and she is still on HRT! She is doing great. She easily looks in her 70s. Last summer she and her friend drove themselves around the west coast for a month long road trip visiting friends and family. Not sure how much HRT plays a role in how well she's doing, but it's certainly not hurting.

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Busy_Raisin_6723@reddit

Thank you!!!

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Intelligent_Flow2572@reddit

Your age shouldn’t matter.

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Busy_Raisin_6723@reddit

Ok now I’m excited! Thanks!

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krissym99@reddit

I hadn't heard of this before and just Googled it. This sounds like a great option for me, too! Glad you shared it.

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MeatAndBourbon@reddit

Talking about HRT? Best decision I ever made.

I'm 42 and started taking estrogen last fall and I'm a totally different person now, too (as an AMAB person, it's been a wild ride)

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MundaneMeringue71@reddit

I’m giving that some thought. I’m 45 also and miserable AF and getting worse.

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Intelligent_Flow2572@reddit

The best video I’ve seen on it (satire): https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1XrBEc3r6P/?mibextid=wwXIfr

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jojocookiedough@reddit

Omg it's Mr Kim 😂 This was hilarious and spot on!

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hvacmac7@reddit

All of you should get hormone checked

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ThenPsychology1012@reddit

If you were an ass to family in the past, reach out to them and apologize sincerely. You can’t change the past. At least that will clear your consciousness a little.

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Secret_Elevator17@reddit

There's a subreddit I don't remember if it's the perimenopausal one specifically or just the menopausal subreddit but both are very helpful highly recommend joining

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Arderis1@reddit

r/perimenopause is the place. Join us! It helps!

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thesunseaandsky79@reddit (OP)

lol I got to experience the joys of menopause and hrt at 33 due to a total hysterectomy. Hrt was a real roller coaster until I found the right one for me. To all Ladies in perimenopause *Big hugs”

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Directly-Bent-2009@reddit

So this has been my brain off and on (I'm 49) for the last few years too. I still have rough days where I spiral if I'm not careful, but I have someone I can talk to with a coaching certification, so although not a therapist, they still are a great non-brightside listener. Journaling helps me a lot, putting down the thoughts and feelings so I don't dwell as much- but I remind myself that I finally have the control over my life and decisions to make the most of what time I have left with people. Chosing to focus on the small things when everything feels overwhelming and doing things that make me happy- reading, baking, exercising. I would ask yourself what you can learn from your regrets? Sadly we can't get those people back, but I ask myself what decisions can I make to make my and other people's lives better? Hope this helps❤️

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Then-Jacket9012@reddit

I cannot recommend this sub enough!

Signed,

Someone who was having similar feelings and thoughts (among other things) and found out it was being heavily influenced by the big hormonal changes present in peri/full on menopause. ❤️✌️

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sneakpeekbot@reddit

Here's a sneak peek of /r/Perimenopause using the top posts of the year!

#1: In which I discover I have the constitution of a Victorian house wife.
#2: What can I do for vaginal dryness?
#3: You’re not still menstruating, are you?

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Rare_Background8891@reddit

r/menopause is a smidge better IMO. The wiki is phenomenal.

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wanna_be_green8@reddit

Im here for this. It's something i never heard about and the swings are no joke at all.

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JoySkullyRH@reddit

I am in perimenopause (46), almost out the other side of it. The sads, and everything else, is very hard. This could be a lot of it.

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Strict-Ad-7099@reddit

Came here to say this. Also though, we are that age where it’s not something we can deny anymore - death comes for all of us. We can see the impending losses we will experience - we can mourn the losses we have had. It’s a slog this mid life phase. HRT might help OP feel a bit less empty inside.

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PersianCatLover419@reddit

You are in recovery and it is a healing process, forgive yourself and seeing a therapist will help as will AA, NA, or sobriety groups.

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Randomwhitelady2@reddit

It’s perimenopause. Read up on it

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This-Elk-6837@reddit

I'm so jealous you're still married. I am happy for you though and I'm not saying I don't understand your sadness. I hope you feel better.

I'm divorced twice now and I can't stop crying to go into the store to get my cider and wine for the weekend. It's my kids' weekend with the ex and I'm just so sad I have yet another weekend with no plans and I'll be alone doing chores that won't be finished. I tried making plans many times with girl pals but they're always busy. I'm tired of always being the first one to reach out...meh. I'm on the pity party hard tonight.

I'm grossing myself out. I'll probably delete this.

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Sanchastayswoke@reddit

This, my friend, is what’s known as a mid life crisis.

You aren’t being Debbie downer at all, it’s healthy to reach out when you need help.

I feel like you might benefit from talking these things through with a therapist, someone unbiased who can help put things in perspective & help you deal better.

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SpookyAngel66@reddit

You regret wasting so much time, but here you are wasting time on regretting wasting time, and I say that with all the kindness in the world. I hear you, I FINALLY got sober at 50 and feel the same way some days, but I can’t change it. The only thing I can do is be the better person everyone expected of me and be there when they need me. We can’t live in the past and forget to live for today because that’s the only day we have. Today. ✌️

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wilsonexpress@reddit

Hi OP, I know you already have a lot of great responses so I'm sorry that I don't have anything to add other than hang in there, you're not alone, I hope you are well.

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gymgremlin77@reddit

It does sound like hormones. This can be treated with estradiol, progesterone, although I supplement with dhea at 43.

On the mental side you can focus on what you have left, which is still quite a lot of what you are capable. I feel like I knew nothing as a kid in my 20s. Now 3 kids, 2 failed marriages, and having to start over a new career, and I'm a cancer survivor. Therapy is helpful if you have access, a new hobby and work toward getting healthier, more excercise and healthy eating.

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moonbunnychan@reddit

I posted this on another post a few days ago, but I'm gonna repost it here. I like to call it temporal grief. Mourning not a person or a thing, but a time of life that feels out of reach. It’s a unique kind of grief tied to aging and the passage of time. It's not just nostalgia, it's the awareness of an unbridgeable distance between you and those moments of youthful possibility, freedom, and connection. It’s mourning the way the world once seemed so big and full of possibilities, when your own story still felt unwritten, limitless. It’s mourning the freedom you didn’t even realize you had until it was gone, the freedom of being able to live in the moment without the weight of hindsight or the burden of knowing just how fast time moves. What makes this kind of mourning so uniquely piercing is that it’s not just about the loss of external things, like a place or a time. It’s also about the quiet loss of the you who lived through it all. You’re mourning the younger version of yourself who didn’t yet carry the weight of time’s passage, who didn’t yet understand that those ordinary moments were precious. And then there’s the loneliness that comes with it, the realization that no one else can ever fully understand or feel the depth of what you’ve lost, because it’s so uniquely yours. Even if someone shared those moments with you, their version of them is different, filtered through their own eyes. That isolation adds a quiet, aching layer to the mourning, because it feels like you’re holding onto something so precious and fragile that no one else can truly touch it. It’s a kind of grief that lingers in the spaces between moments, catching you off guard. A song comes on, or a scent drifts by, and suddenly you’re back there, except you’re not, and that sharp reminder cuts through you. You’re left standing in the now, haunted by echoes of what was, aching for what can never be again.

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DefyingGravity234@reddit

Im also 45 and as cliche as it sounds, you're not alone. I have a good life but I keep thinking that I've wasted so much youth and scared that I don't have much time left.

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Mechx40@reddit

I'm sorry your struggling. I feel the same way sometimes. Music helps.

This song in particular is good for me when I feel shitty.

Ghosts by Red Clay Strays.

"Shake off the ghosts of old... They only weigh you down... Redemption's a long road... Better start walkin now"

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CageyRabbit@reddit

Hey, I'm just glad that you've got it together now! I'm sure thst the people in your life really love and appreciate you. My long term girlfriend just succumbed to her demons on the 14th, and I'd give just about anything to have more time with her. Accept that the people in your life are proud of you for your growth, that they love you, and that they savor every day that they get to have you in their life.

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thesunseaandsky79@reddit (OP)

big hugs

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TanglimaraTrippin@reddit

I'm 47 and these could be my thoughts. Wasted potential, poor choices made when I was younger, no elder family members left except for my mother, who I feel is disappointed that she can't brag about my accomplishments (not to mention that neither I nor my brother had children). On top of that I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and I've developed severe osteoarthritis and I physically can't do a lot of the things I used to. I'm in my 20th year of marriage, and although I love my husband dearly, there's no romance and I find myself longing to find a spark.

I now see active, fit and healthy senior citizens and feel sad that I'll probably never be like that; I already walk with a cane. I also worry how much time I have left, because my father died from cancer age 58. Do I only have 11 years left? That is really frightening.

I guess I just have to make the best of what I have and try to avoid wallowing in self-pity too much.

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rattfink11@reddit

Xennial here. Struggled with addiction and mental health in my 20s. Terrible self-esteem but had everything going for me. Didn’t really gain traction til I was 35. Worked my ass off. Reached 46 and boom! Mid-life firecracker. Realized the following: 1) can only look forward. You’ve got the future to change and the past to learn from. 2) do something for yourself, especially if ur a mom. Time to claim some space back for you. 3) find and do things you like. You only live once. Regret comes from not having tried, so get trying but pick something you love and is so easy you will be successful at. 4) set boundaries for everyone, esp. yourself. That was hardest for me. Now I know how to say “no.” 5) get exercise and eat right, especially at our age. You don’t wanna have shit knees at 60. You wanna be active to pursue what you love. 6) make more friends, new groups, new hobbies. 7) learn something new everyday very year. 8) and regarding death: it’s a challenge, but instead of regretting that they pass, which they will, celebrate their presence til the very end. Work through unresolved bitterness, they made mistakes. Don’t repeat their cycle. But celebrate who they are by being in their lives and making it worthwhile for them to stick around. Good lucK OP 😃

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Tie_me_off@reddit

Read “The Power of Now”. Thanks me later

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Ok_Individual1113@reddit

Stop wasting even more time worrying about the time you wasted. Only 45! Many years to NOT waste now. Imagine how you’ll feel in 30 more years if you keep stalling on the past!!!

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alcoyot@reddit

Try to find something you can focus on that’s an escape from negative thoughts. Because it sounds like you have focused on that enough. You’ve beat yourself up enough. I like to listen to audiobooks. Specifically fantasy and sci fi. I started doing this a few years back especially to fall asleep.

At our age, so much negativity and traumatic experiences have built up over the years, if we stopped to think about all that we couldn’t do anything. You have to keep your mind occupied

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basswired@reddit

perhaps you are still needing help with your mental health. that shit can sneak up on you, for example I can be suffering from the beginning of a depressive episode and not recognize it's depression.

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jojocookiedough@reddit

I feel you hun! Thankfully I managed to avoid substance abuse, but my childhood and teens were wasted chasing the love of my shitty abusive parents and just trying to survive. 20s were a constant struggle of depression, anxiety, therapy trying to heal from my childhood, and undiagnosed chronic physical health issues.

Finally got my health condition diagnosed and medicated in my early 30s and had a few really good years in my 30s starting a family. Best years of my life! Motherhood was so healing and I'm so thankful for my kids.

At 39 my npd egg donor decided to make my life a living hell with character assassination, stalking, etc etc. This lasted several years before I finally was able to put a stop to it.

At 40 covid came along and completely wrecked my health with long covid, which I still get boughts of off and on.

43 on the dot perimenopause came along and started kicking my ass. Been dealing with that the last half year. This completely put to bed my hopes of having a third kid, which has heartbreaking to come to grips with.

Recently I came across a youtuber who's in her early 50s, she moved to Japan at 49 after her kids were moved out and independent. She really inspired me that there's still so much I can do and experience later in life. So now I am making plans for what I am going to do once my kids are out on their own. It has really given me something to work towards and look forward to.

The youtuber is Chani Japan if you want to look her up! Even if you have no interest in Japan, her attitude and world view is well worth watching for. She is very pragmatic and down to earth, and I found her very relatable.

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Necessary_Fig_2265@reddit

Happened to my wife at that same age. Get hormones checked.

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z_iiiiii@reddit

Words can’t describe how terrible it is to lose your parents. I hope you start therapy now and get yourself in the gym to help strengthen your metal state now while you still have them. They have helped me a lot through multiple traumas.

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edwardothegreatest@reddit

Don’t make the mistake of wasting now stressing over wasted then. Get therapy and live the life you have left; you have a lot of it and many chances for meaningful experiences with people who love you.

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CopperTylenol@reddit

I’m struggle with this. I can’t go back in time. All I can do is be a better person today than I was yesterday and not continue to waste time worrying about shit I can’t change. It’s hard to not get sucked up in it, but it’s not making things better. You just add more wasted time. And if you relapse and waste a day, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Good luck to you. You aren’t along struggling with this.

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Reasonable-Potato575@reddit

I lost my last parent in 2011, when I was in my 20's in college. Both died young of cancer. I wish more than anything I could have gotten to know them, and them me, as adults.

I'd say one blessing is your parents are still alive - get to know them as adults if they are important to you.

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mom_bombadill@reddit

Aw hon I feel so similar about my wasted 20s due to depression and alcohol abuse. It doesn’t always work, but I try to reframe it: I fucking LIVED. I survived, which is amazing. Flip the script. You persevered. ❤️

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gwinnsolent@reddit

I feel exactly the same

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moeru_gumi@reddit

The book that’s helped me the most in my life, regarding the inevitability of sickness, aging and death, is “What The Buddha Taught” by Walpola Rahula

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Mel_bear@reddit

As others have said, look into HRT, I've been feeling so much better after starting it. I also wasted my 20's being high and drunk. Do you work a program like AA/NA? It does help to go through the feelings of shame and regret with others that understand, and get a new outlook on life. Try to be present and grateful, those are two things that help me when I start to spiral.

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Ok_Immigrant@reddit

I'm around the same age and hear you. 40 sounds so old, seems the last 20 years zipped by, with the recent years just vanishing before I knew it. But with life expectancies increasing and us being healthier than the previous generation, 40 is the new 30, and we still have many more decades to live. And the overall population is aging, so we're not the only ones getting older. If we take care of ourselves, we still have many more strong decades left. I try to look at people I admire who have remained healthy and athletic in their later years. Look up Chuando Tan and Ernestine Shepherd for example.

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Moobook@reddit

I just got out of a six week partial hospitalization program to help deal with my overwhelming sadness and regret. I’m 42, unemployed, living alone with two cats (I do have a partner but we don’t live together yet). For me it’s mostly work, I hate working and have been miserable trying to run the ol rat race for the past twenty years. I lost my job at the beginning of the month so I’m trying to figure out how to work for myself, but it’s hard when you don’t have a lot of motivation. I wish I had some advice for you, but the best I can offer is empathy. 💙

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wookiesack22@reddit

This probably doesn't help, but im around the same age, and my life was similar to yours. I wasted over a decade working shit jobs, smoking weed and abusing pain meds. I have a 3 yr old now. But I have the opposite reaction. I look back on my life of partying fondly, and I cherish the memories of my friends that died along the way. I try to spend as much time with my parents as possible, I bought the house next door to them. I know bad things will happen, people will die, I will die, but I'm just so happy to be here, now, with these people. I have always tried to enjoy moment in life because if you don't, you'll really regret it in the end. We only have so much time, we gotta use what we have left.

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MorrighanAnCailleach@reddit

Regardless of what's driving these feelings (could be multiple causes), I would strongly suggest counseling to help sort through everything. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I hope it's a temporary thing for you.

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Space_case912@reddit

I feel this so hard. Going through the exact same thing and I am also 45. I feel like I can’t get out of bed anymore, I’m so tired and I feel like life is slipping away so quickly I can’t catch up.

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Brewskidog93@reddit

Not saying it's not entirely hormones, but anytime you feel a loss there may be a component of grief there. Grieving time lost, relationships lost, opportunities lost, and that could be coupled with negative self talk and hard feelings like shame. How our brains catalogue these things can make us feel shitty, even if we tell ourselves "it isn't that bad" or "life is good, what gives?". Processing grief will help you accept what is so you can feel lighter and better able to look forward to the next 45 years. It's scary when you start realizing you don't have forever time left. I mean, none of us do at any point, but the statistics and mirror make it more real. What's awesome is that you have so much time left and I'd suggest investigating your feelings though therapy (in conjunction with medical investigation of perimenopause of course) so that you can let go of or accept what was to be in a better mindset to dream up an awesome future. I'm 44. Life is great. Hormones are stupid. But I do try to do myself a solid by surfacing stuffed down feelings and mental models that could limit my life enjoyment as I age. I find it helps. So, figured I'd toss that out there!

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d0ughb0y17@reddit

Life's super hard and you're right our group is aging but that shouldn't rule your life. You are still alive and have a lot to live for. Even though you think you wasted time I assure you that you have not. Everyone struggles with life, like what am I doing, what have I done and what is my legacy. At the end of the day none of it matters because we only live in the moment. So spend time with your parents, spend time with your kids and spend time with your partner. These are the only people who matter and if you can live in their memories then that means you are doing it right

Some people suggest sub reddits for support which I believe is a great idea. I would also like to suggest three books that helped me out. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E Frankl, The courage to be disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga and finally The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. These three books really helped me out and they are available in physical and audiobooks.

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SalamanderTale@reddit

Oh, honey. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. For me it hit in my late 30s, and is finally getting better. If you can, this would be a great thing to discuss with a therapist, particularly an older one. It’s easy to get caught in a tangle of mid-life guilt and grief, and someone who is trained to help you work through that, and has the life experience to back up what they’re saying, can be immensely helpful.

Also, when we were growing up, we didn’t know half as much about mental health and neurodiversity that we know now. There’s also a lot of overlap between the two. Have you been evaluated for either of those things? It might help explain some of your behaviors as a younger person, and why you’re having a hard time letting go of things now.

For example, did you know that ADHD brains tend to get tangled in guilt and shame more than neurotypical brains, and dwell on the bad stuff more? That people with mental illness tend to act out as young adults, particularly self-medicating with alcohol, drugs and even sexual behaviors? And that antidepressants are sometimes prescribed temporarily for people without depression who just need a bit of help pulling their minds out of situational issues? These are all things a mental health professional can help out with.

Also, please try to remember, our generation has been through hell and back. We’re the first generation to do economically worse than our parents. We went from winning the Cold War, Peace in Northern Ireland and the beginnings of what looked like a better world to 9/11, two decades-long wars, the dot-com bust, three once-in-a-lifetime recessions, a housing crisis, rising homelessness, a global pandemic and the crumbling of our social and political norms with extreme polarization and mutual distrust now the order of the day. A lot of us feel at least low-level awful a lot of the time. That’s not unreasonable. You’re not alone.

Give yourself a hug, give yourself some grace, and do what you can. One last thing to consider: the happiest people maintain inter-generational friendships. Elders help us keep perspective, younger friends challenge us, and people our age can commiserate. I’m sending you lots of love, internet stranger. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now, you’re gonna be ok.

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GM_Nate@reddit

I sympathize a little. I enlisted in the Army when I was 23 and dealt with PTSD for the next twenty years. I've only just come out of the fugue in the last few years thanks to a new prescription. Both my wife and I feel like we lost the best years of our life together.

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mottledmussel@reddit

Exact same thing here. I just started seeing a counselor at the VA last year. Citalopram and biweekly therapy has been absolutely life changing.

It's something I should have done decades ago.

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BlahBlahBlankSheep@reddit

Your story echos mine as well. Stay strong brother.

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GM_Nate@reddit

that's the thing. "stay strong" is a lie. you need to learn how to become emotionally vulnerable to really build a strong relationship. that was a difficult lesson for me to learn.

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sleigh_all_day@reddit

Strength lies within vulnerability. Learning to be vulnerable is not for the emotionally weak, nor is building a strong foundation for a supportive marriage. In doing this, you and your wife have shown strength. Though “stay strong” does sound flippant, it is, in fact, how you need to be in order to achieve comfort in your vulnerability.

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Notredamus1@reddit

Get professional help. It sounds like you had prior mental health issues and past substance abuse. Let a professional help you out. They probably have much more insight than us well meaning strangers on Reddit.

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Freedom_fam@reddit

You won’t get back today, either. Make the best of it.

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Humphalumpy@reddit

A friend said yesterday that her uncle had died at 78. My thought was oh no, That's so young! But, It's life expectancy! But the older I get, the more shocking it is that people are dying of old age who are the same age as some of my colleagues. (My oldest colleague is 77).

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread so I won't add a lot. You deserve to not feel this way---and there's some research out there saying 40s is the hardest, but 50s is often the happiest! When I read that, I get curious as to why and try to make my life look that way.

For the mental health you've indicated is rough:

If you're having thoughts of dying or suicide please call 988 if you're in the US. This basically gets you on the line with a trained counselor to help you right then.

Therapy can be good. So can walking, yoga, pets, gardening, church (if church is healthy for you). There are even therapists who will walk with you, teletherapy, art therapy, equine therapy. A lot of therapists have sliding scales.

Do things that feel good more. FuzzY blankets, rest, tea, nature, music...do more of whatever comforts your soul.

Self compassion--can be life changing. There are great self study workbooks and online resources for this. Look up Neff and Germer. Practicing self compassion is a skill you can learn that really does help.

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NoContextCarl@reddit

Loss is tough and we are definitely in the "crisis years" now. I try to focus on my kids and the realization that falling apart just puts you another two steps back - since I've already been there, done that. 😅

As mentioned, keeping all aspects of your health in check is important.

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CheekyLass99@reddit

I lost my mom when I was 15, sibling at 27, and dad at 39. I'm 44 now. I have no immediate family left. How do we get through this...you do. Feel all your emotions. Do not let those emotions fester. If you have issues with addiction, make sure you have the tools available to stay sober around you. Make sure you are eating and staying hydrated. Seek out mental health therapy when needed.

Music will also get you through. The song "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House comes to mind. When it comes to people in your life that are still with us, try not to come up with visions in your head about their deaths. They could die tomorrow or 20yrs from now. Do you want to live 20yrs anticipating their deaths? Don't dream it's over.

Depression lives in the past and Anxiety lives in the future. You can't change the past, but think of it this way: while your teens and 20s were a mess, you got help and straightened out-better you do all of that then than still doing it right now. Just about everyone worries about the future, but why spend the majority of your time worrying when you could be enjoying life in the here and now? When people worry, they sacrifice being in the moment. It's no way to live a life.

BTW all of this I am still learning myself. We all are a work in progress.

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sjminerva@reddit

I’m with you 100%. Word for word! I keep looking at women in their 50’s saying how great it is and grasping on to the hope of that.

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Born-Agency-3922@reddit

I’m too poor to seek professional help. I’m 42, and went through a similar phase. It was hard, but I apologized to those I hurt individually and eventually started healing and forgiving myself. I lost my father before I could apologize to him last year. Not giving advice, just letting you know, you are not alone. Don’t waste the rest of these precious years.

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lochnesssmonsterr@reddit

As someone else said there are sources of free help!

But honestly. And I say this with the deepest respect for therapy, therapists and people who go to therapy… AND I say this as a former mental health nurse… therapy isn’t the only road to mental health and internal peace. I was a mental health professional and honestly talking therapy just is not for me. I get more inner peace and reflection and insights out of a few hours walking in the forest than I ever got out of talk therapy! Just a thought. :) (Not just for you but anyone else reading this who can’t afford or make time for talk therapy, or who tried it and it wasn’t for them!)

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Born-Agency-3922@reddit

Asking for forgiveness and only then forgiving myself made me feel better and has allowed me to start healing. I should have wrote,”I was too poor”, for past tense.

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lochnesssmonsterr@reddit

I added this in an edit but wanted to make sure you saw it: sounds like you have a real gift for self reflectiveness! That in and of itself is so much of the battle.

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Born-Agency-3922@reddit

And I appreciate you for taking your time to respond to my comment! Hope you’re doing better with your mental health as well!

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cmgww@reddit

There might be free or very inexpensive help if you look in your area. Even churches might have it…yes I said churches. I know, reddit means religion = bad but some churches offer this type of help even if you aren’t religious and they don’t push it on you. They have licensed social workers who can help. It’s not everywhere but it’s worth a look. Also, many cities offer mental health services at a low cost.

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greggers1980@reddit

Check your diet. Processed sugar affects dopamine levels causing low mood

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imthewronggeneration@reddit

Ykw is sad? That it is so common for us to be a mess during our teens and 20s. I was right there with you. I got into drugs, became depressed, tried to unalive myself. Young adolescents really don't get the support they need.

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ee-5e-ae-fb-f6-3c@reddit

My mom was about your age when she just kinda started waking up absolutely livid, or profoundly sad. It was menopause, probably perimenopause at the time. See your doctor, and start there.

Either way, you're going through something, and it feels horrible. Don't go through it alone, or without using tools that are available to you, such as access to doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists.

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Pmood@reddit

Same. Hugs.

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Res_Novae17@reddit

Here's a thought that gets me through tough times with my son:

It could never have been any other way and led to this.

You love your life today? Your family? If you weren't the person who made those choices, you would have went down some other path and probably never met your husband, or at least probably never married him. You'd have some other life now and that life might have been good, but fuck that life. That's not your life.

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Tricky_Helicopter_36@reddit

Blink of an eye i have 17 and 20 yr old sons and id give anything to go back in time and hug them more and just be a better dad. Makes me sad too, but I've accepted that I have time in front of me and I can be better for them and my wife now. Its not just you, this time in our lives (40s), the growth, and the loss we have endured shape the thoughts we are having. You are not alone. Big internet hug for you. =)

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mytextgoeshere@reddit

I'm going through the same! I'll be 44 in a month, but it's become very apparent just how fast time goes. Time is a commodity, and I've decided to take control of who I give my time to. I'm taking a bit of a sabbatical from work to figure that one out. There are still some good years left, I want to make the most of them while I can!

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Ronthelodger@reddit

Talking to your fam physician is a good stat to discuss anything related to body changes that might be relevant. At the same time, you are experiencing a lot of life changes that are a lot to adapt to… it’s important to give yourself space and permission to process these things. If you’re feeling like you are struggling, seeing a mental health professional cal also help you to weigh what you are experiencing and develop plans for how to handle it. I’d encourage in the thick of things you can’t change to remember to focus time on self care and connecting with others around you.

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Scared_Wall_504@reddit

45 to 48 were the worst. Research has been done and it’s an actual thing.

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bang8tang@reddit

I just found out about the Happiness Curve. It is a U shaped curve and worldwide, your forties are the most unhappy you will be regardless of gender. Orangutan and chimpanzees also go through this unhappiness period in midlife.

Checkout this quick podcast to get familiar with the topic. BBC uncharted with Hannah Fry episode Unhappiness Curve.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001r2wr

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Scared_Wall_504@reddit

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey.

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thesunseaandsky79@reddit (OP)

❤️thanks so much for your kind response ! I had a bad experience with therapy in past. I’m not too sure Id try it again but maybe I should. I try to journal often though it helps me get out of my head a little. Thankfully meds have helped me a lot. Recently I got on a second antidepressant and got my dr to up the dose on it because I’m better than I was a couple Of months ago but I still worry so much about everything. I know it’s pointless to worry but I can’t seem to shake it.

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43life@reddit

Be.Here.Now. Those three words forever changed my life when I was struggling with my own issues. Stay strong and realize that there only is right now in your life and the past does not dictate who we are or how we should feel today. Much love friend!

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TheKurb@reddit

Never let yesterday take up too much or today.

You pulled yourself out of bad times and into a good life. The mistakes you made led you to the good things you have now.

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Odd-Outcome450@reddit

Go get professional help. Seriously it’s good for you

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Major_Actuator4109@reddit

Yeah and not because you’re going through anything abnormal. This is the shit sandwich part of life. Caring for kids and caring for parents, it’s no wonder you’re longing for more time in the carefree phase. I’m not going to say “suck it up” or anything because that’s not at all my intent, this shits hard as hell, but try to accept that this is the hard part, it might make what’s coming a little easier. I’ve actively tried to stop worrying and focus on the moments I have now, because the worrying was making everything worse and it’s not going to change anything. FWIW, I have a parent in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

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Busy_Raisin_6723@reddit

The Alzheimer’s with parents can be really challenging.

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Major_Actuator4109@reddit

Yep.

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Criticism-Lazy@reddit

Not at all on the same level, but when I hit 43 I couldn’t get over the fact that my dog was going to die someday. Like I’ve lost both dads, one tragically, but I just couldn’t get over the potential loss of something that gives me so much joy every single day.

Then, like you I realized I was hurting myself with that kind of focus on grief and pain of loss. I stopped that focus and became more present and happy. I’ll be devastated when he dies, but I’ll survive and find more to care about. It will be okay.

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Snoo-33147@reddit

Best decision I've ever made. Years of family members mocking mental health and therapy left me wondering why anyone would need it. Love changing shit to just realize it's ok to talk about everything with someone.

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ArchitectVandelay@reddit

It’s often the people who bash it or think they don’t need it that actually need it. Personally, I think every human being would benefit from individual therapy and it should be part of our healthcare just like your yearly physical and teeth cleanings.

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Ineedavodka2019@reddit

Most of the people that I know who openly shun the idea of therapy are the people that would benefit most from it.

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ArchitectVandelay@reddit

In some cases, I’d imagine, it’s because they’ve been told “you need therapy” and nobody likes being told what they need to do. The other reason I’ve heard is “I’ve tried and it doesn’t work for me,” which is understandable, but it’s more just a function of having a bad fit with the therapist they tried. Just like any industry, there are good ones and bad ones. It is hard to have to start over with someone new, and if the person isn’t truly sold on therapy as a concept it’s hard to try again. But I think of it this way, at the very worst, therapy can be a place to complain about your week with the added bonus that the therapist mighf be able to help you cope with those feelings.

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eJollyRoger@reddit

:(

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nochumplovesucka__@reddit

Hi there! Sorry you're feeling this way.

I will celebrate 10 years clean off opiates this March, I understand all too well what you're experiencing. I partied my ass off in my teens, 20's, and 30's

I ruined a great marriage I had because of my addiction issues. I have a lot of regrets. I had kids young, and all of my kids are adults now, and out on their own. I live alone as a 47 year old guy. No one to come home to, no one to wake up to. It gets very lonely at times.

I am depressed almost every single day as well. But I pick myself up and make myself move forward every day with the hopes that things will eventually come around again. I hold a hope.

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SnooStrawberries9563@reddit

https://i.redd.it/5af5qx18fkde1.gif

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SnooStrawberries9563@reddit

But in all seriousness, OP. You're not alone. Your post describes me exactly, and I'm sure many other here as well. Down to the substance abuse. I can barely recall my 20s. My mom died when I was a teenager and I was never the same. I'm trying my best to enjoy what I can when I can and trying to retrain my brain to not get stuck on the what ifs but just live in the moment. It's not easy. The antidepressants help. Hope you feel better soon. 🫶

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NotEvenAThousandaire@reddit

You're doing all of your living in the past and in the future, but not in the present. Don't worry, though, this is true for almost all of us. The key to learning how to live your life in the present can be found in mindfulness training.

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Zealousideal_Baker84@reddit

Best way to ruin the future is to live in the past

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WakeyWakeeWakie@reddit

Two things: 1) when my oldest turned 14 I started feeling a sense of losing out on time. I don’t know why that age. And I was already 40 so it wasn’t that.

2) I started progesterone recently. I take meds for mental health but those have been working just fine for 10 years. Suddenly I was randomly crying every day alternating with anger. Progesterone fixed it in a week. I stopped taking it for 2 weeks and it started coming back

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LuckyNumber-Bot@reddit

All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!

^(Click here to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)

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TheGreatWorker93@reddit

It doesn’t help at all that this time of year there is much less sunlight that massively improves our mood. I can recommend taking a vitamin D supplement over winter as it really helps and if you are having issues with sleep Magnesium Glycinate has been a revelation for me. Never had so many amazing dreams since taking it.

How you manage to find some respite, life is hard but make use of your family and friends to get you through the tough times. You do not have to be defined by your past choices and without making mistakes you would not have made it to where you are now. Keep the faith, everything will be OK 👍🏻

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uberjam@reddit

I think it could be a lot of stuff but it might be generational too. We are all feeling dissatisfied and disillusioned with society. It’s nothing like we wanted or expected it to be. It’s like watching an episode of Captain Planet but Captain Planet doesn’t exist and the pro-pollution capitalist pigs win over and over. It’s everything we were taught to fight.

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oldscotch@reddit

When you remember the dumb shit you did, see it as a mistake to be learned from and tell yourself to be better - as in be a better person now because that's who you are.

And it's good to remind yourself that everyone has done dumb shit. If someone thinks they haven't that probably means they haven't learned and improved.

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inghostlyjapan@reddit

People who worked hard every day in their 20s think they wasted their lives. People who married their high school sweethearts and had kids in their 20s feel like they wasted their lives. People who went straight to college after high school feel like they wasted their lives. People who partied hard and had many dramatic relationships feel like they wasted their lives.

From every angle regrets can get at you, don't let it beat you up.

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djsynrgy@reddit

You are not alone. Not only from a personal standpoint, but, I mean, look around: I dunno about you, but nearly everyone I know is dealing with some at-or-near rock-bottom kinda shit, whether mental/existential/physical/familial, it's just rough, all-around, everywhere I look.
Help exists. It can be extremely difficult to navigate health systems in the US, but, there's even help for that. My area has a counseling program with professional therapists, 7 sessions, free. Your state/county/town probably has something similar.
I say this as an absolute hypocrite, but, be nicer to yourself. The older we get, the more people around us can "smell" our self-loathing, and it reeks. Speaking from experience. The less you love yourself, the harder it is to accept love from others.
I say this with love in my heart, as somebody in a very similar mental situation, but with a wealth of prior related/unwanted life experience: Buckle up, Buttercup, because it doesn't get easier as we get older. And I know this isn't a politics sub, but, like, if anyone thinks that's gonna get better anytime soon, they're just not paying attention. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Our cohort is officially aged into the life stage where our parents are either already gone, or wasting away before our eyes, the friends we haven't already lost to death or distance, we're in the process of losing to lack of time outside of our respective families/careers/bullshit, we're too old for job hopping but too young to retire, and the zeitgeist is actively moving past most of our cultural touchstones. Like, in a manner of speaking, Avengers: Endgame was the proverbial gold watch we were handed with our pink slips, officially firing us from cultural relevancy. From here and forward, we are collectively grouped in with "the olds".

And, for this specific cohort, at this specific life stage, that's rather poetic: We're too young to go retire in Florida (or whatever our comparative trope is,) but we're too old to go out and have a good time without being "those people". 😆

TL;DR: Sending love and empathy, friend. Just keep going. Every step forward, big or small, is worthwhile. Maybe start by embracing the mundane "small victories" of daily life, and go from there.

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Big_Focus_6059@reddit

Well said. And I echo much of OPs sadness and your own thoughts. Trying to an accept/embrace a certain part of that reality but also push against it some. I have found you can go out and be embraced. My wife and I have been going to some EDM shows and we’re definitely on the old side but the crowd is super accepting and very fun. That and some work stuff I’m venturing out on says we should take some risks and use the rest of the youth we still have - it’s not the same but I’m finding it’s still worth it.

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djsynrgy@reddit

Oh, I'm still vital and active; that's kinda my point. Like, sure, youth can be generally accepting, but there's still that gap, which leaves us somewhat marginalized, right in line with our generational hallmark.

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ParamedicExcellent15@reddit

A life can’t be wasted. It’s your life, your destiny. It was your fate. It’s how you became you. Without it you wouldn’t be you. You would be someone else. Don’t bother comparing your life to someone else, to have that life, you would have to be them. I don’t care what someone else has got going on. I still don’t want to be them. I want to be me 😊

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jasonagogo@reddit

I have two kids.

I don't know your folks obviously, but I'd like to think they would feel the way I feel when my kids make choices that lead to bad outcomes.

I'm not disappointed IN them, I'm disappointed FOR them. I wish they had made it easier on themselves, not easier on me.

I hope the next time you think about this you can reframe their disappointment so that it feels better.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you feel better soon.

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paintedvase@reddit

HRT is a life saver! I have the mirena iud and use an estrogen patch. I feel closer to my previous baseline, it’s not magic but it helps.

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LOTRugoingtothemall@reddit

You have a lot of good info from comments already but as someone who also didn't live the best life in their 20s I hope I can offer some perspective.
Recently I jokingly posted in the Stower that if I had the chance to go back to 1998 I'd "bang" a bunch of girls who I knew were interested in me. This let to a train of thoughts and I realized that if I didn't lead my exact life up until the point where my wife and I met and fell in love, then it definitely wouldn't have happened. All of the experiences I went through and lessons learned from them matured me to the point where I was ready to love and be loved.
It sounds like you have a similar situation so if we really wanted to go back and fix things then maybe we don't end up with our amazing partners. Maybe we have a completely different child (or no children) and never know the joys that we've experience in the last 10 or so years. Good luck, friend

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trustme1maDR@reddit

As others have said: perimenopause. It's likely the culprit for the suddenness of these feelings. But also I'm going to advocate for therapy. It has changed my life. I go back every few years when new things pop up. Those feelings are real and it helps to address them.

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funatical@reddit

You didn’t “waste” anything, you used it, it just wasn’t great.

Semantics maybe, but reframing your life will help. You did what you had to do when you had to do it. Did you have an abundance of choices? Like, go to an Ivy League school or do drugs?

The truth about decisions are limited and we’re all doing the best we can in the moment. That’s not a waste. That’s learning.

Reframe.

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Pleasant-Reply-7845@reddit

Welcome to your 40's. I have these same guilty feelings too that keep me up at night sometimes. I'm 43.

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the_djeb@reddit

I hear you and I feel you. Im the same way and cant deal with my feelings about my parents aging. 45M

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Just_a_nobody_2@reddit

Go to your doctor. Tell them everything. Ask for a referral for help with your mental health before you slip into crisis mode. You’re going to need to talk to someone and possibly start on meds. Also, get your bloodwork done.

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onewordwarrior82@reddit

Have you ever had a conversation about this with your parents? Maybe they would appreciate hearing your reflections. Not to rehash old wounds, but those talks can be incredibly cathartic.

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flipnitch@reddit

I’ve been sad about the past and the movement of time since I was a teenager. The best way I e learned to cope is to reflect on the feelings and internalizing the lessons I glean from reflection and then resolving to let go of what I can’t change and act in a way that wouldn’t cause those feelings moving forward. It doesn’t always work or I wouldn’t have had to do it more than once but it helps get me through the bottom and start an upward trajectory again. Constructive distractions are super helpful too…start a hobby that includes people you love (like if your folks like thrifting, or husband would golf with you, etc)…that can take your mind off things while at the same time creating satisfying memories and a sense of fulfillment. Wishing you the best, tc

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anon11fornow@reddit

Might be an unpopular Reddit opinion, but it took me until much later in life to take religion more seriously, and it has gone a long way to address some of the things you are mentioning in a way that therapy never could for me.

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WhoDatNinja30@reddit

I’m 44 and just beginning to come to grips with a years-long midlife crisis. My life is good too: good job, awesome kids, amazing husband. I’ve always felt like I fucked around too much in my 20s and even 30s. Reaching my 40s saw this gnawing “but you’re old, what have you got to show for it?” Throw in some perimenopause and woah the anxiety and insecurities burst through the door ready to throw a kegger. It was an unsustainable way to exist for sure. The first step to handling this was therapy and it has really helped; we’ve rebranded “midlife crisis” as “midlife opportunity” because I decided to start writing, something I’ve always wanted to do but never did because of bullshit insecurity. I dedicate time to it each week and has really helped negate any regret I’ve had from not picking it up before because better late than never. Many here have recommended therapy (I totally do too!) but perhaps there’s also a passion you’ve always wanted to pursue but never did: surfing, coding, painting, whatever. It may help regain a sense of self and accomplishment and help you look forward.

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optionelle@reddit

ready to throw a kegger.

Brilliant!

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EmulsionMan@reddit

You are not alone.

I think we all have similar thoughts. I didn't screw up as a kid or young adult, but I still wish I did things a little differently and wonder what could have been.

And I have kids and a wife I love, but I see my daughter about to go off to college regretting not doing enough with her or for her, but then I realize I did do so much and she even knows and appreciates it. Yes, she is amazing. I still wish for more time.

My parents are into their 70's and in relatively good health, but once you get to that stage things can change very quickly.

I guess my point is that most of us take time for granted when we're young and in many cases waste it on things that weren't important. Then we get to our 40 or so and start realizing time is finite and we get no moment back. That be incredibly difficult to process. If you are depressed or think you are, definitely try therapy. Sometimes all one needs is to dump that baggage onto someone else who will help unpack it and change your perception.

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Bluevanonthestreet@reddit

Perimenopause can definitely mess with emotions. The hormones changes are intense and crazy making. That being said I think this is the age where we realize how truly fast life goes by. I’m 45 and my DH is 49. He’s going to be 50 this year! That feels absolutely ancient but we don’t feel that old. I had a freak out over realizing that we were about the same age his parents were when we got married. That was eye opening! Our lives are not what we thought they would be 25 years ago. We’ve made life and career choices that were actually very poor choices in the long run in regard to housing and insurance. We are both struggling with regret now and are trying not to let it destroy our marriage.

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thecicilala@reddit

Perimenopause is it. hRT has helped me, but I still get the sads. I saw this yesterday and it made me chuckle - “Even Baddies get the Saddies :)”

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WittyAndWeird@reddit

I relate a lot to this. I have very deep regrets that used to haunt me a lot. I’d spend night after night lying in bed thinking and crying. It’s awful. My mind has learned to deal with that in what I’m guessing is a not-so-healthy way. But I don’t think about it anymore so I’m not going to change anything. I hope you find a way of working through it.

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bennnn42@reddit

My only advice is try not to doom spiral, if that makes sense. There were times I feel like I too wasted a lot of resources and time in my earlier years. You can't change the past so I find for myself it is easier to look to the current. When I got a dog it made me realize they only live in the moment so that's a lesson I incorporate between these two things. So 1) the past is just that, the past, if you can't change it why dwell on it? and 2) live in the moment a bit. Come up with something you love to do and do that. Surround yourself with things you enjoy.

All I got, best of luck <3

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FluffySpell@reddit

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I had some kind of weird meltdown when I turned 40 where, similar to what your're feeling - I felt like I just woke up and was OLD.

I'm going to echo what others have said - seek out a therapist and get help from a professional. I will stand on the rooftop and shout this but I feel like *everyone* can benefit from therapy because we're all a little bit fucked up on the inside.

Also (if you're not already) be open with your husband about how you're feeling. Chat with a friend (but without like, trauma-dumping on them). For me, being open about my struggles showed me that I wasn't alone in feeling that way and helped me learn to cope and (sort of) heal from it. I feel like we're the first generation who isn't afraid to struggle in silence.

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xxTwistOfFatexx@reddit

So many helpful or thoughtful comments here, thanks for posting OP, I feel like I could have written this (minus the substance struggles but not saying that as a flex). Whoever posted that Baroness Von Sketch video omg thank you! 😂

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FrolickingHavok@reddit

I relate to this. I often grieve the person I could have been if my childhood and teen years had gone better, if there had been more support, and so on.

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Chile_Chowdah@reddit

There's a big difference between recognizing your mistakes from the past and letting those mistakes eat your soul. You've come through rough times and are here and stable with a family that you obviously still have a relationship with and care about. The ride only goes forward so live life through the windshield and not the rear view mirror, we've all fucked up various aspects of our existence but honestly you sound like your situation is way better than many. Shift your perspective, many of us at your age don't even have parents anymore (like me), so enjoy the time you have remaining with them rather than dwell on what could have been.

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Magpie_Coin@reddit

I went through the same thing, minus the substance issues. I was VERY immature and dumb in my 20s-mid 30s and wish I could redo that time period constantly!

BUT I am grateful to now have the self awareness that I was the problem and not “society”. It takes a lot of growth to realize that and many grow old and die still thinking that way. That said, the world is now definitely going to hell in a hand basket, but I still have control over how I react to challenges!

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GenXMillenial@reddit

Check out EMDR therapy, it has helped me by leaps and bounds.

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Random_night_thinker@reddit

45 year old with a shitshow of an early life who turned it around. It’s most likely hormones. If you have insurance see a doctor, then when they dismiss your concerns or try to give you birth control as a solution, go to one of the many women’s clinics (a real one with real nps and drs) for a telehealth appointment and get some hormone therapy (if you’re not at risk for certain cancers, etc).

Also, stop beating yourself up about your past. Half of the crap that happened to me/ I did to myself was because I wasn’t parented properly at all, and I’m sure your parents are lovely but imperfect. Life is life, you can only go forward!

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NoExam2412@reddit

If it helps, there should be some pride in learning from your 20s and growing out of it. Not everyone does.

I was a hot mess in my 20s, and it really put me behind professionally and financially. At the same time, I came out of it, and I'm so damn proud.

I bet your parents are super proud of who you are TODAY. And, ultimately, that's what matters - today.

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hvacmac7@reddit

All you have is now, do the best you can, we can’t get back the past, everyone fucked up , it’s learning

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Wintaru@reddit

46 yo male here, I feel the same way some days. I wasted my 20's-30's being overweight and really neglecting my health. About 2 years ago I really turned things around and have really focused on my health and well being and it's done wonders for me. I still have moments where I think back to all the cringe of my youth and the terrible decisions I've made in the past, but then I look at my family and how I've evolved as a human and I see that I've gotten better. 40's aren't your peak. You can be in your 50's and haven't peaked yet. I am going to make my 50's my best decade ever and make sure I can look back at my 40's and say, yep, right there is where I turned shit around.

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Dangerous_Spring5030@reddit

I just lost my grandfather last month. He was 98, he would have been 99 next week. He had gotten to the point in his life where he was ready to go, not suicidal mind you, but he felt he had accomplished everything, and all last year he was telling us his time was almost up. We all hoped to celebrate his 100th birthday+, but he knew. He had worked hard his whole life, cancer survivor, Bible study in our County jail every week for over 70 years, Habitat for Humanity in Belize, the list goes on. He did everything he wanted to do and felt his accomplishments were complete, so his life was complete as well. You have so much time left, maybe you can make a list of anything like that you want to do. I have followed his footsteps and I have started and already checked off things on my Bucket List. No, I will never be the hero he was, but we all have our own paths!! I am 46, going through the same, fun female journey at this point in our lives with the teenage sons who think they know everything, perimenopause, and general health problems and depression, but I look at him as my hero and keep going. Find your hero like I have. 💕

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vyyne@reddit

Remind yourself it could have been a lot worse. There are people who didn't get out of their 20s alive, were paralyzed or any number of horrible things. Count your blessings that you did learn and have a good life now.

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Busy_Raisin_6723@reddit

Definitely therapy and see a doctor to rule out any physical issues that may be making you feel like this. Then follow up with psychiatry. You sound terribly depressed and ruminating on the past which is ruining your day to day enjoyment of life as well as the ability to live in the present. I’ve been there. Also, you are probably in peri-menopause which can be a hard road to follow. Good luck and I’ll be thinking about you!

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Intelligent-Stage165@reddit

Probably significantly a vitamin D deficiency due to the season.

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dishwasher_mayhem@reddit

I had this issue. I wasted my youth on the Army, which led to two failed marriages.

Therapy helped a ton. Sometimes, when you feel trapped, just blindly spewing your fears to someone can help put things in perspective.

It gets way better once you can properly put things into perspective. Not going to lie... Medication also helped. Specifically, Zoloft.

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ResultUnusual1032@reddit

You can't get this time back either friend. I would echo what others have said and maybe try therapy before regret consumes your middle years.

I can relate though. Daily meditation and mindfulness practice is something helps me stay present and not stuck in the past or worried about the future

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Farahild@reddit

Ok. You feel like you wasted your teenage years and twenties due to mental health issues. But now you are obsessing about having this time to the point of it being a new mental health issue, that is wasting your current life. You may want to get some help to stop spending time in your mind and start spending time in the here and now.

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ShaneKaiGlenn@reddit

Regret is a thief of the present.

It is a perfectly natural reaction, but when you analyze regret, all it really does is steal your present joy. What is done is done, there is no changing it, so there is no use in worrying about it any longer.

However, the present is a gift, and the only moment you can actually control. You can control what you do right now, so use that gift wisely. If you have regrets about your relationships in the past, the only thing you can really do about it now is ensure you are using your present moment wisely in continuing to foster those relationships.

Call them every day, be with them, form new positive memories, and so forth.

Wash away regret by building new better memories with your loved ones today.

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illinoishokie@reddit

See a therapist. Get on meds. You aren't the only one who feels like this. However, if you don't treat it, you will continue wasting more time by fixating on time you wasted in the past. You can't get that time back, but you have time now to be present in. Make now your priority.

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EmbarrassingDad_@reddit

You’re not alone. Takes bravery to bare your soul like this. You can’t change the past. There’s very little you can control in the world other than yourself. You can leave this world at any moment, so I do hope you find whatever it is that brings you the peace to see that. Get to therapy, drink more water, do things that scare you. Life is fleeting, so go and live it. Best of luck to you mate!

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AHHH__21@reddit

Echoing what others have said, therapy will help a lot. Also, your parents are proud of the progress you’ve made, they aren’t dwelling on what you did in the past. They are simply glad that you’ve made it through to a more stable life. Don’t waste the time you have with them worrying, try to make the best of each and every day you have with them and let them know how much you love and appreciate them.

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LiviJ419@reddit

Therapy works wonders. At 42, I struggle with some of the same things…so much time we’ll never get back. But, definitely appreciate the lessons you’ve learned and give yourself some grace! Sounds like you’ve overcome a lot and you need to appreciate yourself for that. You still have a loving family and you still have time to spend with your parents (watching them age is the hardest thing, though…). You still have so much life to live, so try to focus on that. I wish you the best with this. This ‘life’ thing ain’t easy!!

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Lensgoggler@reddit

Genealogy. Looking at all these past lives, it helps to understand it and come to terms with the lifespan and life trajectories. Some people manage to live many lives in one. Some don't. There are many ways to live a life.

You still have many years left, do what you need to do to not waste these on wallowing in regret, it will not help you in any way. You can not change the past. You can only change the future, and yourself. And it looks like you already have changed - you're not the same person you were 20 years ago. Get some therapy, or find a good self help book, journal - get it out, then radically accept it. And make the best of the rest of your life!

My dad was a total fuck up until he was 38. No job, drinking problem... Now he's doing very well, especially all things considered. Granted, he'll never live the life he would've lived had he never started drinking in the first place. But it's pretty OK.

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NonCorporealEntity@reddit

Use the lessons from your past but stop looking back. You are ONLY 45. You have many, and probably more, good days ahead of you. Stop wishing you could go back and start looking forward to the future. Your life is good now, revel in it. Live in the present, welcome the future, and be grateful that past is gone.

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WildfireJohnny@reddit

I’ve been there. I’m there now, in fact. I can’t say that I had the tumultuous life your seem to have had as a teenager, but I can relate to the missed opportunities to connect with people who are now gone, and the sense that life is slipping away.

Think of it this way: you’re not 45 - you’re ONLY 45. You’re still young! Your parents might be elderly now, but you still have them. Hug them as often as you can. Tell them the things that you wrote here, if you haven’t already. Tell them about the regrets you have and how you feel you disappointed them. Tell them you’re sorry if that’s how you feel.

I lost my dad when I was 28 and my mom when I was 38. It was a hard thing to go through. I still think about them every day. But it gets easier over time. It’s better to think about the time you still have with your parents than to dwell on something that hasn’t happened yet.

You say you have struggled with mental health issues but are doing better now, so I assume therapy and maybe medication have been in the picture. If not, though, seek out a therapist. A good therapist can make all the difference. Don’t be afraid to change therapists if you don’t click, either.

Also, medication. I was really squeamish about going on medication for depression, but eventually, a good psychiatrist got me on the right combination of medications, and it has helped a lot in stabilizing my mood. It could help you too.

This time of life can be hard, as everyone here is discovering. Remember that you still have a lot of life left to live, and it’s better to make the most of that than to think about the regrets you have. We’ve all done things we wish we could go back and change. When I start to dwell on those things in my past, it helps me to remind myself that I was a different person then, and I’m a better person now, and I deserve to be happy.

I hope this helps. If not the advice, then the idea that someone else in the world is feeling like this too. Good luck!

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rathaincalder@reddit

You can’t change the past… but it would be a true shame to waste whatever time you do have left today and in the future wallowing in guilt and regret. The best thing you can do—and arguably the best way you can honor those who may not longer be here—is to resolve yourself not to waste anymore time from here!

Also, learn to forgive yourself!

Also, please get professional help!

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MuzzledScreaming@reddit

I know exactly how you feel. I'm a few years younger, but very similar story. As others have said, get therapy if it works for you (and if you don't already know for sure that it doesn't, absolutely try it).

I eventually learned to cope by detaching entirely from certain parts of my personality. That might not be healthy, but I'm mostly not sad anymore, so that's something. Definitely constantly feel like I fucked up everything I set out to do still (like, I'm doing fine anyway, I just didn't actually succeed at anything I explicitly tried to do) but I've more or less turned off the ability to care about it.

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Bob-Dolemite@reddit

grieve the loss, but don’t dwell on it? look forward