My estranged Dad died yesterday and idk how to feel. I guess I just need to vent to people my own age who have no emotional attachment to me.

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gcfio@reddit

I guess I don’t under why he was so shitty of a dad. OP mentioned when she was separated from her mom he stepped up. It sounds like he was a shitty husband, but what made him a shitty father?

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

He stepped up for 3 years. And by that I mean we were left in the care of our aunt (mom’s sister) who had 6 other kids and he visited us & was a semi decent father to us. He didn’t financially support any of his 13 maybe plus kids save the last one. We lived in a third world country in the midst of a civil war where my mom struggled to feed us on her own and he contributed nothing which when the opportunity came for her to come to the USA she took it so that she could earn enough to send for us in a year or two. Had he been at least financially supportive if nothing else then all my brother’s & my trauma stemming from the period of our lives when we were motherless with our aunt and the subsequent ordeal & trauma of trying to get to the US wouldn’t have happened. But idk maybe we have different definitions of what a shitty father constitutes.

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gcfio@reddit

It wasn’t clear from the initial description. Being left in the care of your aunt is not stepping up.

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

Sorry I got snarky. I should have phrased that better. Someone else brought your question up.

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gcfio@reddit

No worries. I was really just trying to understand, not judge.

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Livid-Age-2259@reddit

When I stepped away from my father, I did it consciously and with intention. I felt I had been wronged severely by him, and he was never going to acknowledge that. Instead, he felt like I was obligated to him to be a dutiful son.

Anyway, he died in June. I had some mixed emotions about it but, in the end, I don't feel bad about not participating in his life for the last few years.

So, I'm not sad that this is over. I am kinda sad that we couldn't get our differences sorted out. Still, I'm glad that I finally wrested my life from him even if that meant that he died broke and alone.

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Davegvg@reddit

It's hard to process the passing of a parent that let you down. I understand that place.

Sorry man.

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mess1ah1@reddit

So, we’re sorta like your Dad? No emotional attachment?

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Top-Time-2544@reddit

My mom is dying of Alzheimer's right now. My childhood with her was a never ending ordeal of unpredictable rage episodes, mean spirited comments, and withholding of affection. She never once hugged me or told me she loved me. Her childhood nickname for me was "Little Asshole".

I haven't spoken to her in years, and I feel nothing about her passing. I get 1/3 of her money, from what I understand it's about $100k. I'd pay 100 times that to have had a mentally healthy mother.

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technicallywron@reddit

I'm sorry. Really sorry.

What made him a shitty dad? It sounded like he took care of you when your mom left and you were happy with him until you were forced to leave. The first 5 years of a person's life are when the building blocks of personality and attachment style are formed. He may have been absent the rest of your life, but he laid the framework of who you are now. Good and bad. Peace and trauma.

I hope you decide and are able to go.

Unless the people that will be there are terrible, it may be cathartic to talk to them. They're probably going through the same mixed emotions.

I know several people who have been in situations very similar to yours. Every one who skipped the funeral/celebration of life regretted their decision. None of the people who went felt regret for going. They usually came back feeling lighter and more connected to their family.

I have mixed feelings about my own dad's funeral. We were really close and I was holding his hand when he passed. I helped the funeral home techs put him in the body bag. That was all the funeral I needed because it all felt very simple.

When shit's complicated it's good to lean on others, even when you don't think you need it.

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

I think I should have phrased the part about him stepping up a little better. When I say he stepped up I don’t mean he took us in. We lived with my aunt and he at least got clean and started coming around, visiting us, taking me out to here and there. My brother was a lot older than I was so he had seen what he’d put my mom through so by then my brother didn’t really want much to do with him. So my memories of him from that time period are good memories but no he was not caring for us.

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1singhnee@reddit

I 100% get this. My bio-mom was a mentally ill meth/heroin addict for most of her life. She’d do pretty much anything to get high. Like leave my brother and me alone for 8 hours while she ran around finding drugs. Or if she couldn’t score, she did fun stuff like sniffing paint.

She ditched us and moved across the country when I was about 10 and thank god for that. I last saw her when I was about 15, at my grandfather’s funeral, where she locked herself in the bathroom, OD’d, and basically ruined the funeral.

After I was an adult she got clean, but that shit had destroyed her brain. She couldn’t even have a normal conversation.

FF to me @39, she died the day my daughter was born. She had no one. Her family had all died or disowned her. Her pastor called me to ask what to do about her remains. So I had her cremated, and scattered the ashes in the river. I honestly don’t think she’d care.

But yeah, 53 now, still haven’t decided how I feel about it. And that’s totally ok.

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ze_hombre@reddit

My father had been dead for a few years when I found out a couple years ago. We hadn’t spoken since 2005. To further complicate things, I was at a company event (of all places!!) when I found out. I googled him after a comment by a coworker and his obituary was the first result. Completely floored. Thankfully one of my best friends is also a coworker and was there that night so I was able to keep myself in check via their external validation that I wasn’t acting the fool.

I just found out last week that my mother is in the early stages of her death. We don’t know timelines or anything yet, but it’s fairly obvious that this is the beginning of the end. Her and I have been low contact for decades, years before I went NC with my father, but we did stay in touch on birthdays and holidays.

For the record, I don’t like either of these people. Not only are (were?) they your stereotypical leaded-gasoline-addled-brain boomers, they’re just horrible people generally speaking. The shit they did to me and my siblings is unforgivable.

When I learned about my father, the primary emotions I remember feeling then were shock, apathy, anger (mostly at no one letting me know), and eventually settling on more apathy. He didn’t care about me when he was alive, why should I care now that he’s dead?

For my mother I’m mostly feeling the same emotions. Though I admit I shed a tear or two when telling a couple friends of the situation and that surprised the shit out of me. I also have a deep sense of dread about the whole ordeal, but mostly of having to go back to Florida for the funeral.

I think the reason for the tears with my mother was me having to talk to my son about all this. He never formed a relationship with my family so it was super difficult and awkward to talk to him about it. But honestly, that’s a wildass guess. Your guess is as good as mine.

I shared all this because you and I share a similar story when it comes to our family. From my own limited experience, finding out after the fact is easier. I’m only a week into my mother’s situation and I’m already exhausted from it. I’m having to communicate with (deeply) estranged family members, walking my son through his first immediate family member’s death, and navigating the emotional mines that litter this fresh hell. And at some point I’ll have to fly to Florida ((shudder)).

Keep reminding yourself through all this that what you’re feeling is valid, it’s your truth, and there’s nothing wrong with any of it. Grieve if you want, for what/who you will miss, what could/should have been, or for nothing at all.

Just know that what you are feeling is valid, no matter how unorthodox others may find it. Grief is a highly subjective emotion, and grief for an abuser is even more fraught with nuance.

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BarRegular2684@reddit

Your feelings are all valid. Even the uncomfortable ones.

I lost my mom back in April. We didn’t always have the best relationship, and her memory had been going since a series of strokes. Starting in 2020, she no longer remembered that she had an older daughter.

So yeah, there are still a lot of mixed feelings, and a lot of rage about things I can’t fix or change or even get closure on. But for me, the little funeral we had was a good way for those of us left behind to come together. And that’s was good, for us. She’d been in so much pain for so long, it was more of a celebration that she was free.

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pasqualeonrye@reddit

If you couldn't make peace with him in life, you'll find a way to do it by yourself without him.

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Apprehensive_Net_829@reddit

I have both is my parents, but all your feelings and reactions sound reasonable for what you have been through.

I have no words of wisdom. I have not seen it had contact with my dad and stepmom since Thanksgiving, and that was awkward and I only went to see one of my cousins I haven't seen in like a decade. I'm wondering where all this is going in terms of a relationship with them.

Shit is hard and it sucks. I'm sorry.

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Tess47@reddit

Also, you grieve for the loss of the possibility of repairing the relationship. At least that's what I did.

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AnasandSF@reddit

Yeah, my deadbeat who I had no relationship with died 10 years ago. I didn’t feel a thing, and it’s only now in therapy that I’m unpacking the trauma of the abandonment.

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Charleston2Seattle@reddit

I agree with everything that u/FergusCragson said.

One thing I would add is that the funeral is for the living. I went to my asshole father's funeral and reconnected with an uncle and aunt that I hadn't talked to in probably a decade. The aunt has since died, but I'm still in regular contact with the uncle, and we have a very close relationship that we wouldn't have if I had not gone to the funeral. That's the best thing that happened out of my dad's death.

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Beth_Pleasant@reddit

"The funeral is for the living"

Yes - my mom is estranged from her sister, sister's husband and their daughter for a variety of reasons. They have a son as well, who has cut off his family. My parents are more his parents than my aunt and uncle ever were.

So when his mom called him hysterical that his dad had died, and demanding he travel out for the funeral, he called my mom for advice. My mom told him the funeral was for the living, as your dad is dead, and nothing will change that or how you feel about it. If the funeral will not bring you comfort or help with grief (if there even is grief), then you don't need to go. If you think something positive would come out of going, then consider it.

He didn't go. The potential of getting drawn back into his mom and sister's abuse wasn't enough to outweigh any fears on missing out of the funeral.

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welatshaw01@reddit

For what it's worth, I think he made the right choice.

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Evely_Ardor@reddit

My dad never had feelings toward his estranged father. Dad was born in 1945. I thought it odd when he told me this as a child because I loved my own father so much. He seemed to treat his own father as an acquaintance at best only seeing him a handful of times throughout life. His father died before I was born because of his poor choices in lifestyle. My own father has taught me unconditional love and provided a childhood that I don’t think even I could have provided for another.

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paigeken2000@reddit

When my estranged father passed, I wasn't sure how I felt. I felt sad (sort of) but that didn't make sense b/c I had no relationship with him. After a bit I realized that I wasn't mourning him as a father, I was mourning the fact that I 'could have had' a father but basically didn't, that he had dropped the ball and that I missed out on a relationship a lot of people have and treasure. And then I realized I was ok. It wasn't the loss of him, it was the loss of 'what could have been'...If you relate to this distinction, I hope it helps.

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Wetschera@reddit

Relief. You should feel relief.

I’m so sorry.

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monkey_monkey_monkey@reddit

My friend, you get to feel whatever you want to feel.

It took me a long time to figure it out but my feelings are perfectly okay. I don't need to feel something or someway just because that is what is expected of me, I get to feel my feelings and no else does and I don't need to feel someone else feelings.

As someone who is staring down the final years (maybe months?) of my parents time on this earth, I have a whole lot of feelings about it. To say my feelings are complex and that my relationship with each and both of them is complex, is an understatement. My feelings around their end drawing near are equally complicated, I am "supposed" to be sad and worried and everything else. In reality, there's a mix of some relief, some ambivalence, some guilt, some sadness, and a whole bunch more making a complex soup of feelings.

Here's what I know, feel ALL the feelings. Accept them, work through them and do not let others dictate them to you. If you want to share them, share them but don't feel like you have to and don't let anyone try to force you.

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smappyfunball@reddit

Whatever you feel is valid and I imagine it’s going to change day to day and week to week. It’s only been a day so who knows how it’s going to hit once it really sinks in.

I have a pretty complicated relationship with my dad. He’s 87, has dementia, as does my stepmom, and he was an unrepentant serial cheater while married to my mom before they divorced when I was 9.

He’s a difficult person to like, and me and my wife do most of the caretaking for them, and it’s easy, and they don’t make it easy.

Between his dementia and other serious health issues he probably won’t last more than 2-3 more years so I think a lot about how I’m gonna react when he finally is gone.

Relief, nothing? Sadness? All of the above? I haven’t no idea. I have a lot of anger for some of the things he’s done, and overall he’s not a good person. But he’s still my dad, and he does love us.

But does the good balance the bad?

I don’t know. I need to get back into therapy because it’s that or I’m gonna end up trying to choke an 87 year old man with dementia

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Electrical-Arrival57@reddit

I know you’re joking (mostly?) but seriously, take care of yourself before it gets to that point in reality. Definitely make that appointment and also check to see if there are any Alzheimer’s Association support groups in your area. They might even have online ones now. Www.alz.org. They’re the best! This might also be helpful to you if you haven’t already read it: https://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-sixth-Alzheimer-Dementias/dp/1421422239

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FergusCragson@reddit

One of the things they say about dealing with the death of someone who figured largely in your life, is that "you feel what you feel." That includes times of no feelings at all, and yes, all the various conflicted and confusing things you're going through right now. Anger, confusion, sadness, wonder, regret, self-justification, and the rest.

What I'm saying is: all this is legit. It's all the real thing. And yes, from your story, you have every right to feel all these things.

"You should have _" but then again let's be honest, "Your dad should have __" too.

We're human beings. We fuck up, and so do the others who should have treated us better.

But it doesn't mean you're a bad person, a bad daughter; not in the least. You have dealt with things the best you could given what you went through. Anyone can try to make you feel bad for not doing more; OK, why didn't they try to make your dad feel bad for not doing more, then?

As for going to the funeral or not, that is a hard choice you will have to make.

Picture both scenes, and how you feel afterward.

In once scene, you go. You feel all the terrible conflicted feelings, but you're there, and others are dealing with such things, too.

Afterward when you return, and things settle down, how are you doing about it?

In another scene, you don't go. The day comes and goes. You wonder how it went.

Time passes, and you know you missed it, for better or worse.

How do you feel?

Which of the two scenes contains regret? Which has the hope of some good coming from it?

Perhaps more importantly,

which are you able to do?

No judgment. You've been hurt by him and now this is where things are.

You be you.

Thank you for sharing this hard stuff with us here. Whatever comes from now, may things go better for you and yours.

🙏

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Spiritual_Ad_8853@reddit

What a thoughtful and helpful answer!

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stirred-and-shaken@reddit

You're a good egg for these words of wisdom.

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KP-RNMSN@reddit

Beautifully written

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

This is such a good response. Thank you so much for this!

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FergusCragson@reddit

I'm glad if it helps. As I said, may things go better for you and yours from now one!

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sappy6977@reddit

Great advice

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warrior_poet95834@reddit

I would say I’m sorry for your loss, but I can tell by the way you posted this that’s not exactly the right consolation. Just know you are not alone.

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Techelife@reddit

You should celebrate not paying for the funeral.

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simplylisa@reddit

I know for me and my strained relationship with my mom, I cried bc there really was no hope of repair. I'd grieved the loss of my mom for many years. I thought I no longer hoped for better, but apparently I did.

Greif is strange. Just go with it. Ride or like a wave. Trying to stop it or rush through will make it worse.

It took 10 years and a really great at therapist before I had and happy memories with Mom. All I ever thought about was the bad stuff.

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CallMeTrouble-TS@reddit

I never knew my dad. Saw him only a handful of times as I grew up. He died while taking to me on the phone, after already speaking to my other half siblings. I attended his funeral. Not once was I sad.

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SillyImprovement9398@reddit

I never had a good relationship with my mom. As an adult I kept my distance because she could never make herself be nice to me. But when she passed it wrecked me and after thinking about why I was so sad the only thing I can think is whether logically I expected some reconciliation with her, death put an end to that ever happening. So I think it was the knowledge that we would never fix things. Even though I never thought we would. I guess it was the finality of it all.

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snarfer-snarf@reddit

mine did in july. called me out of the blue and asked me to forgive him for not being a good father. it was sad as fuck. he was bipolar and lived in a world that shamed and discarded those with mental illness.

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exscapegoat@reddit

The death of an estranged parent brings up some really complicated grief. And what you’re feeling is normal. My mother and I were estranged for nearly a decade, initiated by her, when she died.

While we’ve grieved not having the parent we should have, death makes it final that there’s no chance for them to change and become the parent we needed and wanted. Even though it wasn’t likely to happen while they were still living

I felt sad, I felt angry and I felt relieved

As for the funeral, will it help you in processing this? Will you be able to comfort and be comforted by your fellow survivors?

In my case, my mother had engaged in smear campaigns. For example, she initiated the estrangement, but lied to her family that I did and i wouldn’t tell her why. Both times she initiated estrangements.

While my stepfather informed me of her impending death, I don’t know what the funeral arrangements were. For me, the funeral is about honoring the deceased and comforting the bereaved. I think I would have been a distraction

Im sorry you’re going through this.

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thejadsel@reddit

I feel you too. My biodad took off in the middle of the night in like 1986 to get out of child support finally being enforced, and by that point I was mostly relieved not to have to deal with his behavior anymore. We actually found out maybe a year later exactly where he was (in the next state over, and a friend of the family ran into him), but just left well enough alone because NOBODY wanted to deal with his sorry ass again. He was abusive and likely had some substance abuse problems fueling some really nasty behavior.

That state of affairs continued until around 2019, when the man suddenly tried to get in touch with me through an uncle that he despised at last check. I had been living out of the country for years by then, and changed my last name away from his in my 20s anyway--so I guess the uncle was much easier to find and leave his phone number to pass along. But, talk about conflicted feelings!

I did basically end up stalking him online, to try and find some other way to possibly get in contact on my own terms. I did not actually do that. Anything I had to say to him wouldn't have done anybody any good by then, if it ever would have. And I found that I really didn't want to listen to whatever line of probably manipulative bullshit Biodad had in mind.

Still have no idea in hell what the man wanted, but yeah he also died maybe a year later. I only found out through an obituary. Guess he probably knew it was coming, and suddenly decided to look me up after 30+ years.

Still plenty of conflicted feelings, of course. But, the main takeaway? It is what it is. And if you want your discarded offspring--or much of anyone else--to actually feel any real desire to talk to you? You should maybe treat the people around you better. He sorta dealt those cards, and I refuse to feel too bad about how that hand played out now. I'll just be over here living my best life in spite of whatever influence Biodad had. Pretty good example of how NOT to treat other people, at any rate.

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ClubExotic@reddit

I am right there with you.

I’ve been No Contact with my father for almost 10 years. Recently went No Contact with my mother as well.

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andthenisaidblah@reddit

I’m old enough to have finally learned to honor and trust my feelings about my family. I’ll honor your feelings too, whatever you choose. Hugs.

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ericdano@reddit

I stopped talking and having contact with my dad in 1998. He died in 2015. Never talked to him since 1998. Had zero feelings about it. He was an asshole.

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Anxious-Ad7998@reddit

My story is similar to yours but different. I won’t go into it here. My Dad was a sociopath. It’s a long story.

At the end of his life, He got cancer just before Covid and had to have cancer treatments, which weakened his immune system. He died of a “virus” that they could not figure out. In any case, I have had conflicting thoughts and feelings. I was very close with his parents and what sad feelings I did have at that time of his passing were remembering and missing them. Not him. I think nostalgia is a very good description of some of what I felt when he passed.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If everyone at dinner was looking for your reaction, it’s only because they cannot fathom what you experienced because you live a normal life and are a proper parent to your children.

With time, it will start to feel better. You may grieve for what you lost as a child and sad for what should have been. But you obviously pulled yourself up and created a life for yourself and others. Look forward to and not back. That’s what I’ve tried to do. 😘

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Shellsaidso@reddit

I would go ahead and book the plane ticket. You get one Dad, you’re allowed to feel however you feel…. But I wouldn’t chance having the regret of not going to the funeral on top of the other feelings. And funerals have a way of bringing old family together.

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IAmTheGreenCard@reddit

To piggy back on this comment - I’m estranged from my father, but I have siblings and cousins and more extended family & friends that are still very much close to him and have their own relationships with him.

And THE BEST advice I ever got for what I should do when he passes is that I am going to the funeral for family members who I do love and care for, NOT for him. I have relations with those family members that are import to me and I know my presence will be needed and important to them, NOT HIM.

Otherwise i don’t know that I would try to go to the funeral if it wasn’t for my family I do care for, it would be complicated and a lot of effort/work for me to get to it and I don’t feel the need to go to that much trouble for HIM, but for my surviving family, yes I would do it for them.

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UrMaCantCook@reddit

You owe that man and his memory absolutely nothing

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Ellen6723@reddit

I get it. My dad was an abusive prick whose cheating in my mom was epic (so far one previously unknown kid of his has been unearthed through ancestry.com - I’m sure more to come).

I think part of how children feel about the types of parents we had once they pass has a lot to do with where you were in the north order. If you were the oldest - as I am - you likely got the worst of it from an abuse POV and also dealing with the distinction in general. Typically the oldest in a family like ours tries to protect the younger siblings - even the mom. The younger siblings usually have a less critical or maybe even accurate recollection of the parent who is crap - in part because the oldest sibling was successful to an extent in shielding them. Or the crap parent got their shit together to a greater extent when other siblings were being raised.

Regardless your feelings about your father are totally valid and if what you feel is more akin to relief - or a heaviness being lifted (which would be my feelings personally) that’s Al right. You don’t have to pretend or engage in the process of saying goodbye to him that your siblings or other relatives feel they want and need.

Alternatively it takes some fortitude - but giving your siblings and other relatives the space have their own perspectives about him - which can feel discounting to the trauma he caused you - is ultimately the way to go I’ve found. If they want to see him as something more positive than you absolutely know he was - I say just let it go. Not easy. Trust me. But ultimately what’s probably best to maintain those relationships.

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Scared_Bed_1144@reddit

Unfortunately, mine is still alive. And I'm too broke to drive that far /s?

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EthicallyAmbigious@reddit

My father left before I was born after he beat my mother. My grandfather and uncle told him he could either leave or they would bury him out in the 40 acres behind my uncles ranch.

When I was 18, after never hearing from him again, my mother got a phone call from what turns out to be one of four half-brothers that I have to tell us that my father died indigent with no money and no assets of any kind. They had the audacity to hunt us down looking for money to help pay for his funeral.

My mother handed me the phone and I laughed as I said, “It was good to know that there’s a spare kidney out there for me but that’s about it.”

Needless to say, I was not invited to the funeral.

Some relationships aren’t worth having.

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RightSideBlind@reddit

My parents divorced when I was three years old, and my I only saw my father a handful of times after that. My mother died when I was still in high school, so I ended up on my own. Years later I looked my father up and tried to reconnect- I'm not really sure why. I saw him once for his mother's funeral (who also wasn't in my life at all), and then about two years later he died.

I didn't go to his funeral. One of his creditors contacted me to ask how I was going to pay off his debts, and I told them that they had more of a relationship with him than I did.

I've always felt like I should've felt more about his death and how little he cared about me. More sad, more angry... just more, somehow. He was really just a... nonentity in my life. All of my friends had fathers, I just had... nothing.

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bylebog@reddit

I'm estranged from my parents. I plan on showing for the funerals. Not for me or for the parents, but to show the siblings it's never been about them. Even though the siblings have picked the parents side, because if you need the parent you need to be on their side....

Anyway. You can go and have it not be FOR him.

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Exciting_Fact_3705@reddit

I feel you. I heard about my father’s passing from my uncle. It made no impact on my life-didn’t change a thing about my day-to-day as I didn’t talk/see him in over 20 years. Didn’t cry and didn’t really care. But there was the little girl inside that was sad because she held out hope he would change and ask for my forgiveness for the s$&t that he put me through and we could have some sort of relationship. I realized this only later and realized that was what I mourned-the what if—-the possibility.

I wouldn’t have wanted to go to the funeral-wouldn’t have wanted to pretend I cared or forgave him. Wouldn’t have wanted people talking to me about him and what a great guy he was. Wouldn’t have wanted to give his friends the idea that everything was good now. So, didn’t go and will never go to his grave.

Good luck and realize your decision is the best decision you can make with the info/feelings you have right now.

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pchandler45@reddit

I felt nothing but relief when my parents finally passed. I stuck with my mom for a couple years after Dad died, but there was never any love lost between us and when she died I didn't go and have zero remorse

It's ok to feel how you feel. You shouldn't feel any type of way. Just because they were blood doesn't really mean anything at the end of the day

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Sparklefanny_Deluxe@reddit

It’s okay to have big feelings and also not do anything because of them. Take care!

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sly-3@reddit

We stayed with mine way longer than we should've after he tried to kill us in a single car crash. If we had stayed, he surely would have succeeded the next time. Poverty, prison time, a drug addiction and being a victim in a workplace shooting racked up too much PTSD not to tilt the odds on favor of that outcome.

+26 years when he passed, alone & begging for money on gofund me. Even then I was relieved because I didnt have to look over my shoulder anymore.

You are stronger now because you are a survivor.

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Not-a-Kitten@reddit

Sometimes you’re crying because now that he’s gone, there’s no chance for him to ever change. To ever fix it. To ever make amends and apologize to you and the way you deserve. I’m sorry for the pain that you’ve suffered. I hope you can find peace with time.

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girlinanemptyroom@reddit

My dad died about 5 years ago. We did not speak anymore. He was a cocaine addict, Gambler, and overall a horrible human being. I was super confused when he died. I wasn't sure how to feel. I did end up mourning though. That really confused me when I was going through it until I realized I was mourning the loss of never having a father. There was no hope now. It was over.

Please let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. The relationship with a parent is complicated. Even if you aren't involved in each other's lives. Please feel free to DM me if you need to vent more.

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4GotMy1stOne@reddit

What you may mourn most of all is what could have been; what should have been.

Whatever you feel, those are your feelings, and no one can tell you what to feel, how to feel, and how to act. I do urge you to allow yourself all the feelings. Express and work through them as they come. Resolving takes time.

Best wishes to you!

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LeoMarius@reddit

Parental relationships are difficult. We form bonds with them before we know our own names. Infant survival depends on parental love. So our adult selves have to contend with those hardwired emotions with people whom we later discover are very flawed.

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vomputer@reddit

There’s nothing to forgive, as you did nothing wrong.

Talk to a therapist who SPECIALIZES in familial relationships.

Before you try to mourn for this man, mourn for the relationship you wish you could have had. Care for the child within you who would have loved an actual father. He wasn’t one.

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FrauAmarylis@reddit

You should read up in the estranged subreddits!

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ebeth_the_mighty@reddit

My dad and I had roughly the same relationship as you and your day, OP.

When he died (alone, far away from me), the cops in his town called me—they must’ve found my name someplace. I said, “Thanks for letting me know”.

“Aren’t you going to come and take care of things?” They asked.

“No “ I said. “Do whatever you’d normally do if someone dies without family.”

My mom (who lived in the same city that he did, and was still legally married to him despite a 40-year separation) eventually took care of things. But there was no funeral, and no fanfare.

Despite all this, I surprised myself by crying. I don’t miss the asshole. I miss the relationship we might have had if he had ever grown an iota of self awareness.

You feel what you feel. And that’s ok.

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cnation01@reddit

I got a call at work in 2010 that my father had died. The call came from a lawyer who needed my signature because I was next of kin. Even though we didn't have a relationship, it was weird.

Was feeling conflicted but not particularly sad. I didn't want anything bad for him or anything. Certainly, I didn't want him to die. I don't want anyone to die !

I suppose, though, that I always held out hope that maybe one day we could get together and get to know each other.

So a sense of loss maybe from that opportunity passing. Not sure to be honest. It was pretty confusing, and I had a hard time wrapping my head around it.

You aren't alone a lot of us Gen X kids came up unconventional by today's standards.

Sorry you are going through this. It's a complete mindfuck all over again. The same type of confusion we had growing up without a parent present. Like one last fuck you before they leave the planet.

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

Yep that’s it. You said you maybe had hope that one day you could get together and know each other. Maybe that’s what I’m mourning the fact that I don’t have that anymore and I’m feeling guilty that I should have grabbed it when I had the chance. He never even met my kids.

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cnation01@reddit

Same man, that guy never got to meet my family. That's regrettable. I consider myself a really good dad. Have a great relationship with my kids, he played a part in that. I knew exactly how things weren't going to go, that's for sure. and his absence helped me me be more aware of my actions. And realize the impact I have as a father on my kids lives. They will never know the isolation and confusion I experienced.

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JenninMiami@reddit

You feel the way you feel because of who he was! It’s okay. I didn’t like my mother’s father, he was like your father but without the alcoholism. I wanted no relationship to him and when he passed in 2020, I really didn’t even care. I had no feelings towards him! I did have sadness for my mom however, because she lost her last parent.

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Parking_Pomelo_3856@reddit

Even bad relationships are still a loss when they end.

But don’t blame yourself for not reaching out to him. He failed you. He was the parent and it was up to him to establish your relationship. The phone works both ways. The fact that he took care of his youngest when the mother died does not make him a good person. He just did the absolute minimum in that circumstance.

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no_car1799@reddit

Are your Mexican? Just wondering because that also adds another layer of feelings. Our culture doesn’t like to talk about feelings and at least in my family. We suck it up and just forget about it. Very sad all around. Do what’s best for you. Hugs

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

No. But I am Latina.

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no_car1799@reddit

Not same , but same! 😂 it’s all complicated and I wish you the best

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tracylane74@reddit

I haven’t spoken with my dad in over 25 years. He was there until I was 18 for every other weekend visits (my parents divorced when I was 10), and then he just wasn’t. No fall out, he just disappeared. I often wonder how I will feel when he dies, if I even find out he does, because I don’t think I will feel anything. I realized that I have already spent time mourning the loss of that relationship and not having a dad, and I’ve already dealt with that loss. Of course I have no idea how I’ll actually respond, but those are my feelings around it.

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kon---@reddit

I am mines first. He named me after him. Later, after the divorce, he abducted me across the country. Less than 5 yo I would eventually be found and returned home while he went to jail.

Years later I found he named his next kid, with a different mother, after himself, again. He went on to father several kids with several women.

Decades later, a step-sister tracked me down through my also estranged mother. She had recently discovered her father was a shit human being and was looking for a family connection.

She didn't get it from me. I let her know I want nothing to do with him or any of his kids.

He had already severely affected my trajectory in this life. None of them will get any chance to do the same. No idea if either parents have passed by now or not. They're only 16-17 years older than I am. I'm only 53, chances are they're still above ground.

As they've been dead to me for as long as they have, I don't know that knowledge of them dying would have an effect on me that isn't a kind of relief that for surviving that shit.

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spacetstacy@reddit

Losing a parent like this is difficult. You're grieving the loss of a parental relationship you wish you had. At least, that's what my therapist told me. My dad was an abusive alcoholic. He died 2 summers ago, and I didn't think I cared, but unexpected feelings keep popping up.

I'm sure you'll have all kinds of feelings. It's OK. Feel them, talk about them, write them down, whatever you need.

It sucks, but it will get better with time. Be patient with yourself.

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sickiesusan@reddit

I am sorry for your loss OP. I am sorry too for the loss of the type of father you didn’t have, but should have.
If you have the money, I would suggest counselling to help deal with this loss. It can help in amazing ways!

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WhiskeyGirl66@reddit

What ever you’re feeling is valid. I cried too even though I prayed for him to die. It was more of regret I never gave him a piece of my mind.

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Accurate-Ad2864@reddit

My father was an alcoholic asshole , cheater and domestic abuser .Upon hearing the news he passed my eyes welled up and I told myself not to shed a tear for this motherfucker. Not a tear rolled down my face. I felt so relieved he was gone. November 1986.

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atomic_chippie@reddit

I left my whole family behind, way too much abuse and trauma. Moved across the country, never looked back. So when my best gf of 40 years told me my mother had passed, it was so strange...like an invisible umbilical cord had been cut. Rode waves of grief and sadness...not for her, but....for a little girl that deserved better than two shit parents...and then it was gone.

Conflicting feelings seem pretty normal atm...I hope you're able to work through them peacefully and find clarity. The apology will never come but you'll find it's no longer necessary now anyways.

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2boredtocare@reddit

I was estranged from my mother for 8 years before she passed. I grieved not so much for her passing but for the fact that any hope of having a decent mother was now dead.

It’s been I think 12 years now since she passed and there are times I still am angry she sucked so bad.

And my father? Also dead but he dipped out of my life when I was 4 so whatever.

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SuperTeacherStudent@reddit

My dad who fits a similar description killed himself when I was 7. I never actually mourned him specifically , but I have at times mourned the lack of a decent father who cared.

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Usuallyinmygarden@reddit

I think complicated grief is the worst kind. I wish you peace.

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DogsAreOurFriends@reddit

The shitty part is now it will never be fixed.

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Western-Calendar-352@reddit

There is nothing that OP needs to “fix”.

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DogsAreOurFriends@reddit

Right. No issues at all, hence to long ass unloading to strangers.

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HorseyDung@reddit

The pain and grief is from lost, and missed opportunities. But that's on the account of your parents, not you.

Unfortunately not all parents are responsible people, and from what I read he didn't deserve you as his child.

I had great parents, and I try to be a good responsible parent myself, to be there for them, to shield them from harm, and provide a warm home to grow up in safety.

Because that's how children should be raised, not abandoned by opportunists that won't take responsibility for their actions.

I hope you can find closure, and a happy family, and peace in your heart.

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Expensive-Vanilla-16@reddit

It's a 2 way street. He could have visited you too. Only go to the funeral if it benefits you.

I had an estranged grandpa. Only met him like maybe twice in my life. Really messed up part is he lived like 5 minutes from us growing up. Met one of my 3 aunts on the school bus once and didn't know what to think. I was in middle school and she was a junior? His passing meant nothing to me.

I had connected with my aunt on Facebook and always meant to meet with her but unfortunately she passed before I could meet in person. That one upset me even though we never officially met as adults. My other 2 estranged aunts I've never met but I don't have any idea of where they live or last names.

The universe is a strange one.

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traumakidshollywood@reddit

Let whatever comes up come up. There’s no right answer. Accept what is normal. It’s complex grief, and it can manifest in many ways. Show yourself compassion, forgiveness, and self-love.

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Hippy_Dippy_Gypsy@reddit

How you are feeling is completely normal.

The broken person that caused huge trauma in your childhood is gone…and now you will never get an apology, acknowledgement of the harm they did…no resolution…

So it’s normal to cry for that reason and also because hearing the news of your abusers death likely made the memories of the abuse fresh again.

No need to go to the funeral, you likely grieved him long ago. No need to go play like he was a good father.

Hope you find peace ☮️

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SquirrelBowl@reddit

I hope you forgive yourself as easily as it seems you forgive others. Give yourself a lot of grace right now. You struggled so much in your young childhood, and you have done very well. You even had your own family! Please take care. Hugs to you

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Author_ity_@reddit

Just mourn until the mourning is done.

That's all we can do

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WillowLantana@reddit

Estranged from my father 10-ish years. He died last year. Didn’t go to his funeral. I feel no guilt about any of it.

I felt…relieved when I first heard about his death & I still don’t really understand why that was the first reaction. That lasted for several months then anger. Then the holidays came & I felt strange & uncomfortable & a mixture of a lot of different emotions. I’m now beginning to feel normal for me again.

Perhaps the weirdest part was feeling like I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. Unless someone is also estranged from a parent, they don’t get it at all.

Only reason I mention any of this is I have a soft spot for other people who are estranged from family members. It’s not an emotionally easy thing to do. I also mention it to show you that feeling the way you do - that “a lot of different emotions that don’t really make sense” part - seems to be common. At the very least, I understand a bit of what you’re going through & hope some part of what I’ve written helps you somehow. Hugs to you, deary.

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lovelyb1ch66@reddit

Of course you’re a mess, anyone would be. Here’s the thing about funerals (imo), we don’t go for the sake of the deceased, funerals are for the living. It’s about saying your own farewells (which you can do anywhere really) and to show support and respect for the deceased’s family.

By the sounds of it your relationship with your dad was complicated enough that going to the funeral is going to be difficult and might even add to your feelings of guilt and resentment. It’s hard for me to make a solid assessment of his personality and the reasons why he treated you like that or whether going to the funeral will help you deal with your feelings.

I have only spoken with my own dad twice in the past 16 years, haven’t seen him in over 20 years. Every now and then he’ll message me on Facebook saying “message me, I want to have contact with you”. Well dad, if you want to talk then talk. Ask how I’m doing. Ask how your grandkids (and great grandkids who don’t even know you exist) are doing. Show some interest in anything and anybody besides yourself. Will I mourn him when he’s gone? I’ve mourned him for decades already, the father I needed died a long time ago if he even ever existed. I can trace the issues that have had such a profoundly negative impact on my life directly back to him and his so-called parenting style. He basically set me up for failure, regardless of intent and I can’t forgive him for that. I’m over being angry about it, I’m done wasting time being bitter about it but I owe him absolutely nothing.

It sounds like you’re in a similar situation so you’ll need to be really honest with yourself about your motivations for going or not going. Whichever you decide, let the healing begin.

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Savings-Sprinkles-75@reddit (OP)

Idk how to copy parts of your comment but when you say you can trace the negative issues in your life that have been directly impacted by him I felt this so hard! The amount of damage I have that I can trace directly to him!

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Marlinspikehall32@reddit

I hadn’t spoken to my dad in over 20 years when he died. I did feel sorrow. I was sad that he had wasted his life and in the end had nobody. The authorities had searched for a couple of months before they found my uncle. I think most of the sadness came from who I wanted him to be, the dad that I didn’t have not for the person he was. I don’t know if that helps but it has been about ten years since he died. I and have processed it. I was surprised by my feeling too but then later realized they weren’t really for him anymore but at a father I never had

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TinCupfish@reddit

I don’t think you need to feel guilt about anything. Remember, he was an adult who didn’t make his children a high enough priority, he did that not you. I hope you are able to get closure to this part of your life. Take pride in being a better human being than your father. Best of luck in your future.

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LipBalmOnWateryClay@reddit

I was never estranged with my dad but I was the youngest in a big family. He simply never knew me or who I was. By the time I was born he was done with being a dad. My oldest brother basically took that role but he wasn’t much of one either. When my dad died it was really sad but once the funeral was done I basically never think about him. I never visit his grave. He never taught me a single life lesson or offered a piece of advice. I’m not bitter about it but it’s like he never existed. It is what it is.

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Mysterious-Ruby@reddit

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Feel all the feelings. I know we were taught to just push our feelings down, but when we allow ourselves to feel what we feel it's easier to move forward.

Know that a bunch of Internet strangers are sending you hugs and positive vibes. I hope whatever you decide you find peace.

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VeteranEntrepreneurs@reddit

The thing we do as human is try to put reasons on people for why we feel certain ways, whether good or bad. Why do you love your husband, why do you care for your best friend, etc. Your father is your father, whether good or bad. Be ok with whatever feelings you have and hold onto whatever positive memories you have of him because that is what you will remember when he is gone. My father passed in 2021 and although generally he was a good father he cheated on my mom and was the reason they divorced when I was 5, but that isn’t what memories I hold is him. I remember when he coached my baseball team, or making fart jokes or spending time with one on one. Find the positive in your memories and hold onto that.

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dreaminginteal@reddit

Mine died of cancer over a decade back. He had been waning for a while.

He and Mom split when I was five. He wasn't present much, and he was always late and short with child support so money was extremely tight for Mom and I.

When I was in my 20s, my roommates and I went sailing with him on his step-mother's boat. On the way back, one roomie turned to me and said, "Sorry, but your old man is a shallow egotistical asshole."

My response was, "Sounds about right."

We had started talking again a few years before he died. I went back to see him once or maybe twice? He did say he regretted how things turned out, which my shrink says is about as much of an apology as he was capable of.

I wasn't particularly sad when he died. I didn't really have a lot of pressure on me about how I "should" feel, though. My wife had very poor relationships with her parents, so she understood.

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Lanky-Owl6622@reddit

I think losing an estranged parent is a lot more difficult than losing one you're close to. So many conflicting feelings to work through. It sucks, but you'll make it. I'm sorry for your loss ♥️

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Husbands_Fault@reddit

There's nothing you can do to change the past - let it go. Our brains respond to trauma in weird ways - you were protecting yourself from more mess. He could've reached out too, but he didn't. Why open yourself up to more heartbreak? If you have any happy memories of him, hold on to them and leave all the rest behind.

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2025-Disclosure@reddit

I'm sorry you went through so much. I am estranged from my father. He left when I was 6 weeks old. He left another fractured marriage in his wake, custody battles, half-siblings and never a heartfelt conversation about any of it. I tried to connect when I turned 18 but he never really saw me as his child, so he was more interested in showing me his kids and new life than getting to know me or work through any of our own history. He just blamed my mom and felt like that covered it, I guess. Periodically I check the obituaries in his town to see if he has croaked. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I find his. The second and third families will mourn him. I think I'll just feel relieved. I don't worry that it will never be resolved. I am at peace with my actions and have worked through the pain. My goal is to create a happy, healthy life for myself and not treat people the way he did. For me, the resolution will be his death.

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Bug_Calm@reddit

hugs

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Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit

I have a different story that has a different ending. but what you're going through is exactly what I expected to go through (and dreaded the thought of) for more than a decade. I may find myself having very similar feelings for real when/if another relative of mine dies.

the closest I can get to accuracy is to say: I wish I did feel some of that more wholesome, more straightforward stuff. I don't, and that's what I'm actually sad about. I would like to have loved them. I would like to feel sad that they're dead.

you can't help wanting that kind of thing, because in an ideal reality it is a nicer, more affirming thing. there's a different more complicated kind of sorrow to owning the truth that for all your sincere wishes, that's not the reality that you're in.

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endlesssearch482@reddit

You feel how you feel and that’s OK. I didn’t cry at my mom’s funeral. We hadn’t talked in 11 years. When I found out my step dad died, I was confused about how to feel, but in the end, I didn’t care. Oddly, when my ex-wife’s mom died, two years after my divorce, I sobbed.

You feel how you feel. There’s no right or wrong. I was emotionally walled off for years and honestly, only came to my full spectrum of emotions in the last six or eight years, but that doesn’t mean I have the emotions that people expect me to have. Emotions are complex.

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Western-Calendar-352@reddit

I feel you. My dad died about 2 years ago, and at that point I hadn’t spoken to him for over 15 years.

In fact, including his second family, he left behind 2 divorces and 2 out of 3 children not speaking to him. Like you, it was only the last son that would put up with his shit towards the end.

It affected me more than I thought it would, more resentment and anger than sadness. Don’t neglect yourself because of his failure as a father.