Expats who constantly change countries, how do you manage your life?
Posted by Chary_314@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 32 comments
Hi, expats, whilst I approximately understand the life of someone who moved from one country to another and tries to build one’s life in a new country, I am really wondering how those who constantly hope countries manage it (and there a lot people like this here).
Do you ever manage to build a family? Or at least get a permanent partner? Or do you get a new partner in every country knowing that you will have to change it in a few years?
In general, what keeps you going in life? What is your motivation to live?
ChessIsAwesome@reddit
Don't collect too much stuff. Don't have pets unless strictly foster or pet sitting.
DruidWonder@reddit
Money. The answer is money.
--arete--@reddit
Messily
DistinctHunt4646@reddit
My parents met when they were both expats working in The Hague as Australians, so I guess that suggests one way to find a partner is find other people already in the same situation as you. They’d each relocated a few times before that, particularly my Dad, so I think they knew what they were signing up for. Since having me we’ve moved about 11 times iirc, solely bc of my Dad’s career. I don’t think this would’ve worked if one person was clear about their potential to be a serial expat with some experiencing already living abroad and the other had grown up in the same city their whole life & was super committed to staying there.
From a kid’s perspective you definitely just get used to it. The first time I was so young it wasn’t really disruptive but gives you the skills to deal with saying bye, meeting new people, etc and then you get better and better each time. After 11 schools you almost get it down to a science. I’m not a particularly extroverted person, yet when I got to university I found I was able to introduce myself, find connections, and make friends a lot easier than others.
There’s also a super tight international community among younger people I’d say. Like there are thousands of us kids out there who’ve had their parents move around and at one stage or another so many of us have done a stint in the same international school, same boarding school, same summer camp, etc. Especially in London, it’s very often a stranger follows you on instagram or you meet them and realise they have about a dozen mutual friends from this ‘international community’.
I’m now at the stage where I’ve just finished university in the UK and am deciding where to move on my own. Can go through the visa process and remain in the UK. Or I’m considering doing a masters in a whole new country again (eg France). Or I could move again and start work in a different country. It’s looking like the route will be study in France, work in London 3-5 years, relocate to Asia/ME/USA. That is a lot for anyone, but I think it’s a lot easier to frame it within the realm of possibility once you’ve already moved around a bit. My extended family all remained in their respective cities in Australia for 40+ years and they think it’s just logistically, socially, and professionally inconceivable that you can just shuffle around countries like this - but I’d say once you have some experience and can navigate the logistics, it can very much be leveraged to actually amplify your social and professional life. It’s all I know so I plan to continue with it and hopefully meet friends + a partner along the way who can relate.
Chary_314@reddit (OP)
Interesting! Thank you for your story!
Just out of curiosity:
- did your parents settle somewhere? (or do they plan to?)
- is there a place you call/feel home?
DistinctHunt4646@reddit
No worries! :)
No they haven't really settled. We've all been in London since 2020 while my brother finishes his schooling here but during that period my Dad did a year in Canada and has now started a business involving a lot of travel. Looking like the plan will be for my brother and I to do our own thing once he starts university and parents will probably semi-retire somewhere of their choosing. The new UK government has made the UK extremely unappealing from any perspective of business or wealth creation of any kind so they'll definitely be leaving, likely to the UAE (where they've spent the most time over the past 2 decades).
Our passports are all Australian but it's never really been 'home' and I doubt any of us will ever live there long-term again. It's beautiful but again very anti-competitive and honestly just not a very exciting/stimulating place relative to what we've been fortunate to be exposed to in Europe, Asia, or North America. Then for the UAE there's this expression that "it's like a sibling we watched grow up with us", but after being out for 4 years I wouldn't be able to give much local insight since it develops at a rate like nowhere else in the world. I guess that leaves London then, where I've spent the most concurrent time and started my adult life. All my closest friends, professional life, posessions, etc. are here and it's what I know best - but again not likely to last >5 years.
You said you "approximately understand the life of someone who moved from one country to another"? Have you moved as well and if so what's your experience been like?
Chary_314@reddit (OP)
My experience is totally different than yours. I lived until I was 27 years old in my home country with no intention to live it. I then got a business opportunity to go to work in the Netherlands for several years, and somehow I am still here 20+ years after. But it still does not fill home, even though I have nothing really bad to say about NL
echan00@reddit
use something like dangerous to help cope with the local language
tripledraw@reddit
My family moved to a new city / country every 3 or so years since I was a baby. I'm now 40 with two kids, doing the exact same thing. It's all I know, can't imagine living otherwise.
sffunfun@reddit
My close friend was in the “executive” program for Colgate-Palmolive. She started in NYC at HQ, quickly moved to southern China, then Mexico City, then the Philippines. She quit after 20 years because she couldn’t handle another move (they demanded she go back with her husband and 3 kids to Mexico City on a moment’s notice).
dallyan@reddit
How do your kids cope with starting over and making new friends, etc.? My son wouldn’t do well with that.
tripledraw@reddit
Right now they're both under 5 and it's been no problem, they just absorb the language and make new friends.
I went through that though. Every move kinda sucked and was exciting at the same time, more so as a teenager. But I guess going to an international school, where most students live the same nomadic lifestyle, made things easier.
Anyway, my siblings and I are currently spread over four continents living a similar life so in the end we must've liked it?
dallyan@reddit
I was very mobile before my kid too. Just a warning- your kids may not enjoy it as much as you did.
heyitscoface666@reddit
It will help them be adaptable and have a beautiful understanding of other cultures, and maybe even speak multiple languages.
I think kids are much tougher than we give them credit. I'd have loved this life.
tripledraw@reddit
Understand. My wife did not like being raised in a small European village and her dream was to see the world. We can't control what they'll like / don't like.
South-Beautiful-5135@reddit
How would you even do that? Visa? Work? Language? Culture?
tripledraw@reddit
There are plenty of jobs where international relocation is a regular part of the career and they usually take care of the visa and such. My dad did that, then I followed and found someone who's in the same boat.
I try my best with the language, usually can somewhat get by within a year or two but it's never easy. Cultural integration kinda depends on the host country, sometimes it's easy and sometimes you're stuck in the expat bubble.
South-Beautiful-5135@reddit
Interesting! No offense but I think for me that would suck.
tripledraw@reddit
None taken, to each their own. I kinda hated it between the ages of 13-18 (3 countries!) but now looking back those were the best periods
deprechanel@reddit
I’m on my fourth country now, third country with my partner. I’m lucky in that I met someone who’s equally curious, highly skilled and willing to follow me to new locations. We spent two years in each of the other three countries. This particular stay will be minimum 5 years due to the nature of my work contract.
Re: family, we’re very interested in adopting a puppy, but we’re conscious that this can only happen when we put down sufficient roots somewhere so that he can at least get through his puppy years in a stable environment, with some travel peppered in. This probably means that we’ll start looking into adopting soon - yay! We’re not interested in expanding the family vertically.
We’ve decided to (probably) look at our current country as our future « homebase » and do shorter (1 - 1.5 year) stints in other countries once my current contract finishes.
marbleonyx@reddit
I've lived longer stints in 3 countries besides where I was born only. Maybe this warrants its own post but -- how/where do you meet a partner who wants to (and can) build this kind of dynamic, out-of-the-box life?
heyitscoface666@reddit
I just wanted to toss out there...instead of adopting you can always foster and help a littleone feel loved, safe, and cozy until they can find a forever home. Shelters are amazing but also not always the best place for some pets.
A foster is a great in between place for all parties to pour their love into, without life-long commitment.
You'd be helping sooo much :)
Something to consider while you live that epic nomad life.
Matt-thefuck@reddit
What do you do for living may i ask
deprechanel@reddit
I’m a researcher. My current contract is doctoral study / teaching etc. Prior to that I worked for a research institute.
nesffo@reddit
Hi! Over the past 10 years, I’ve lived in 7 different countries, so I think I can provide some insight into your questions. I was born and raised in France but left to pursue my studies in Belgium. Afterward, I did an internship in the UK, went on an exchange semester in Ireland, and started my career in the Netherlands through a special working program for French citizens called a VIE.
In the past three years, I’ve changed jobs, teams, and countries three times. I followed my manager in the Netherlands to the US in 2023. However, since my US visa (J1) couldn’t be renewed end of 2024, I recently asked my company to relocate me to Canada.
Moving so frequently wasn’t something I ever anticipated, but I’ve had great career opportunities and decided to prioritize myself and take them. Over time, you start getting used to this fast-paced lifestyle.
In terms of relationships, I’ve started a few while living abroad, but they ended because I was upfront about the likelihood of moving again. My partners weren’t comfortable relocating with me or doing long distance, which I completely understand. However I really hope I will meet at some point a partner who understands and is willing to share my lifestyle. I’m not sure if I want children and definitely see myself continuing to live between different countries in the future. I dream of one day owning apartments in different countries and commuting between them. I would love to have a place of my own eventually—a home where I can store personal belongings and add some stability to my life, as I’ve only rented so far.
As for the idea of “home,” it’s very fluid for me. My friends and family are spread across multiple countries, so when I lived in the US and people asked if where I was “going home” for the holidays, I’d say “Europe" instead of naming one specific country, because my holidays are often spent traveling between the cities where I’ve lived. I can’t pick just one. I even joke that the Eurostar, connecting Paris, London, Brussels, and Amsterdam, feels like my home as well because I've spent so much time in this train!
What keeps me going is the personal and professional growth I’ve gained from these experiences. I struggled with significant social anxiety until my mid-20s, but every time I move to a new location, I feel like I’m reinventing myself and becoming more confident. Over the past 10 years, I’ve grown immensely and feel completely comfortable starting my life from scratch because I’ve done it so many times. I’m also very comfortable being on my own—it’s not always easy, but it has taught me just how resourceful I can be :)
Prestigious_Memory75@reddit
Some do- some don’t. It’s a personal decision.
Status-Put-7089@reddit
It’s not always easy. In my first two countries I knew I was there only temporarily. So I maintained a very minimalistic lifestyle and would think 20 times before purchasing anything.
I then fell in love with my third country and did my best to move there. I was so in love that I thought I would probably stay there forever. I ended up staying 5.5 years and at this point I am completely done with this place. I am now preparing to move to my next country.
The downside of being in love with my current country is that at some point I decided to buy a house here. That involved some costs and now I also own plenty of furniture and decor. I also have 2 cats now. So moving has become more difficult for me at this point if I compare it to the times when I only had 3 large bags of stuff.
In terms of feelings I have to say that I do feel weird about not being able to just settle somewhere. Like something is wrong with me. But I also know I am miserable where I am right now and I just have to move. But now I also keep in mind that this might be a temporary move again, so I will try to stay away from buying stuff. And buying property is probably not my thing anymore.
At the same time I absolutely cannot imagine going back to my home country and staying there forever. I love being a tourist there, but nothing more.
At this point I am not sure whether there even is a place I will be able to call home. But maybe that’s just my destiny. We’ll see.
SpaceBetweenNL@reddit
In childhood, family issues (for example, parents couldn't find a job in Puerto Rico). In adulthood, desire to start a new life, and then, after a few years in a new country, a new desire to start a new life after being extremely lovesick and heartbroken.
mayfeelthis@reddit
I’m not that person but grew up in expat circles like it - yes they have kids. I knew one American born in Japan who had never lived anywhere more than a year or 18m - we were in 6th grade. Lots of similar stories (not many).
Personally I find it easier than my kinda expat - I stay but get stuck in expat worlds or am uncomfortable. TCK life at its best. I find settling down and trying to assimilate - like fully migrate - is repellant for me.
But to your point, when you’re used to the expat bubble that’s just life. Military families face it too (there were many in my expat world growing up). It’s got it’s perks and pitfalls. The work prepare to relocate people and it’s kinda been done and repeat. For kids and families it can be rocky and exciting at the same time.
As adults it’s another thing if you grew up this way, I’ve seen the outcome in so many spin offs. For many expat kids raised this way I find they don’t match their childhood into adulthood - I get the sense their foreign experience becomes their identity and their reality (often a humdrum life in their country of origin) is lacklustre compared to their childhood as kids of such expats. I don’t think anything prepares the kids for that, and those that thrive continuing the lifestyle they want exist too and of course the ones who genuinely enjoy the family life in one place sprouted amongst us. Many marry other expat kids too, and we remain distant friends on socials cause we don’t have the kinda friends you grew up with if your life was in one place.
Sorry to ramble but maybe it gives perspective. The logistics is not the main issue for the jobs that do this have international relocating teams in the company even (I know a woman whose entire job is relocating their staff and families within one organization).
FrauAmarylis@reddit
My husband and I began living abroad after we were married. I was parentified as a child and love kids but never wanted my own. It was hard to find a husband who didn’t want me to bear children.
We like our home country. We live abroad for a few years at a time to travel from a different base location and for the adventure of living somewhere new.
hater4life22@reddit
I've only moved countries twice (which is more than a lot of people) and I'll probably move again at least one in the future.
I'm still pretty young so I just date as normal as I'm not super keen on settling yet and I haven't found anyone that makes me want to. The first time I moved I had a partner, but that relationship was dead already so we broke up not long after. This last time I didn't try to date seriously (tbh at all) partially because I knew I was going to leave. I also don't have kids and don't want any for at least another few years.
What keeps me going is all the wonderful things I can experience simply because I'm alive. I wanna be an old lady and look bad knowing I actually lived.
DrRedMad@reddit
Hi there!
My motivation is curiosity and the desire to build a solid foundation for my career in my home country -whatever the cost. This means I need to change countries every 2-3 years. I wish I had stayed in my country, but… life had other plans.
I don’t have the resources to build a family, and while I don’t exclude the idea, I’m not actively pursuing it. I simply don’t have the time or energy to commit to a relationship and family when my career is already so unstable. Being a postdoc is an inherently precarious position, no matter the country. Adding another aspect that requires stability -such as a family, stable housing, and financial security -wouldn’t be a wise choice for me.
I’ve also seen too many negative examples of expats struggling with this. Changing countries frequently is hard enough, and when a partner has to follow and give up everything, it often leads to resentment. So far, I haven't met anyone whose partner was fully willing to follow them, facilitate the transition, or find a workable compromise."