Is it no longer polite to ask someone about their cultural, ethnic, or immigration background in America?
Posted by TexasRedFox@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 163 comments
Unlike my more ignorant neighbors, I like diversity and learning about different people. But these days, when someone is asked, “Where are you from?” it’s automatically assumed they’re fishing for a reason to consider them less of a human being (i.e. “You’re not a ‘real’ American.”)
If this has become a delicate topic, then what’s a more tactful way of asking about those parts of a person’s identity?
anneofgraygardens@reddit
If someone appears to be, say, ethnically Asian, and you ask them where they're from and they say "Monterey Park", and THEN you say "oh, but where are you REALLY from" or "oh I mean, like, are you Chinese?" yeah, that's somewhat rude and intrusive.
IMO a polite way of asking is something like "what's your ethnic background?" but I wouldn't ask someone that unless I knew them at least casually. Otherwise, MYOB.
Word2DWise@reddit
I think asking what is someone’s ethnic background is weirder than asking where they are from. Honestly, who gives a shit. If you live in America, the answer should be American.
catiebug@reddit
My partner is Asian and says "what's your ethnic background" is the most polite way. But yeah, you need to know the person a bit. There's no real reason to ask it of complete strangers.
If it's a new neighbor kind of situation, you can easily ask it in a conversation about something related (like a dish they hope to bring to the cookout when they get settled, or a piece of art they have in their home, or their kids are running around with red envelopes in January). But still don't go crazy on the assumptions. We lived in Japan for awhile and we have a bunch of artwork we purchased there, so he often gets "so are you Japanese" and he gets to tell the funny story of a Chinese guy with more Japanese stuff at home than Chinese. Or my half-Asian kid that was born there but doesn't have a drop of Japanese blood.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
But then they could just say "I'm Asian" which doesn't really answer that question in the context. Now they gotta say something even more directly intrusive like "what part of Asia though?"
Curmudgy@reddit
No, all they have to do is accept that they didn’t get the answer they wanted and move on. Don’t nag people just because they sidestepped a personal question.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
Why be so opposed to stating your families origin? It's really not that personal. Sounds like a personal identity issue to me
Curmudgy@reddit
The fact that you’ve jumped to this conclusion tells me that you can’t be trusted not to jump to other bad conclusions nor can you be trusted not to be judgmental.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
The fact that you feel that way tells me you might be a bit of a snowflake. Seems pretty logical. Why else would you safeguard such information in such a non threatening situation?
Curmudgy@reddit
Again, you’re jumping to bad conclusions. I’m not safeguarding it. I just don’t enjoy those discussions.
I grew up being taught to be humbler than that.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
Well I'm sorry you're so embarrassed about your heritage.
That's just a god damned shame
SonofBronet@reddit
Christ, ease up, buddy.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
Oh my days, fuck off
SonofBronet@reddit
Is there a reason a complete stranger not wanting to talk about their heritage with you is so upsetting?
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
At what point did I come off as upset? Apart from telling you to fuck off? Which mostly came out of annoyance, because ya know, who even are you?
SonofBronet@reddit
Why would that annoy you to that degree?
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
To what degree? Telling you to fuck off? That's mild if you ask me
SonofBronet@reddit
I’m beginning to see why you struggle in social situations
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
The projection is on astronomical levels
SonofBronet@reddit
What do you think all this is a product of?
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
All of what? You projecting? Yourself I suppose
SonofBronet@reddit
No, I’m talking about your stuff. What do you think makes you act like that?
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
I'm literally asking the same of you. The gaslighting is wild here
SonofBronet@reddit
It’s really sad how you don’t seem to know what “gaslighting” means.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
Listen bud I've already said what I needed to say so I'll bid you farewell.
Designer-Button-7865@reddit
To what degree? Telling you to fuck off? That's mild if you ask me
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BaakCoi@reddit
I’m a biracial Asian, so I get that question a lot. Personally, I don’t mind it as long you’re it’s direct (none of that “well where are your parents from shit) and polite
PrimaryInjurious@reddit
You just need a southern accent so thick you can float rocks on it, like Henry Cho.
_lmmk_@reddit
Where am I from? America.
Where am I REALLY from? America.
OP is so rude just for assuming
DarkSeas1012@reddit
I see where you're coming from, but also, at the same time, unless somebody knows my last name or my family, they'd never know I'm an Italian-American, and proud of it. It would straight up be an erasure of culture and background to simply ignore the diversity of background in our community. I am an Italian-American, but in our preponderously Anglo-American world, I look and pass as any other Anglo-American, though I am not culturally, religiously, or family history-wise.
OP is LITERALLY asking for a more polite way to ask this question, not assuming anything. The reason for asking is literally to AVOID assuming as you accuse them of doing.
True diversity is celebrating the different things we all bring to the table. Ignoring/failing to recognize ethnic background differences is by default imposing the prevalent culture onto minority groups, and it's not very inclusive.
Where am I from? The United States. Illinois. Chicagoland.
Where am I REALLY from? Exactly as stated.
What is my ethnic/cultural background? That's a great question. Primarily Italian-American. Working class. Catholic. All of those answers are the type of thing OP is looking for. Is it really so wrong to show interest in how your follow travelers to the grave answer those questions?
Curmudgy@reddit
It’s not erasure to be uninterested in discussing one’s ethnic or cultural background, especially with strangers.
_lmmk_@reddit
It’s not wrong, it’s just a very American question to ask. I understand curiosity but feel it’s a bit tone deaf, especially if we are first meeting.
It’s embarrassing how many Americans have never heard of Slovakia, and I usually get peppered with weird questions. I’ve just started saying (sassily) that I’m from Adidas tracksuit, pickles, vodka, odd numbers of flowers Europe.
WulfTheSaxon@reddit
I mean, to be fair, if they went through grade school before 1993 or thereabouts it would’ve been part of Czechoslovakia.
DarkSeas1012@reddit
Correct. It IS a piece of American culture. When in Rome...
We are a composite nation made up almost exclusively of immigrants. We are in no way, shape, or form and ethno-state, we never have been, and God willing, we never will be. The question is necessary I think for recognizing and making inclusive space for people to celebrate their heritage and culture.
And to push back on Americans not knowing much about Slovakia, first, I apologize for my countrymen, we should do better. Secondly, how many Slovakians know about say, Nebraska or Oklahoma? Sure they've heard of the US, but have they heard of/so they know those states? Because I'd bet you they don't. And realistically, the entire continent of Europe could fit inside the US. We have a giant country with a ton of diversity (kinda the point of all this), but I don't expect Europeans to know much about all our states, because it's unlikely they've ever been, ever will go, or have even heard of it, so I do think that street goes two ways to an extent.
theoracleofdreams@reddit
Like so many Mexicans who live in Texas:
"What's your ethnicity?"
"Mexican"
"Oh, where from in Mexico?"
"Texas"
"No, like where in Mexico is your family from?"
"Texas, the area of Mexico we are from turned to Texas after the Texas Revolution."
unrealvirion@reddit
I’ve had a similar experience:
“Where are you from?”
“Florida”
“Where are you really from?”
“Florida”
“I mean where did your ancestors come from?”
“Florida, I’m Seminole, my ancestors have been here for centuries.”
Alternatively, the good ol’ “go back to your own country.” Bonus points if I happen to be on my way to the reservation.
theoracleofdreams@reddit
I think my mom's ancestry is Kickapoo (Mexicans being a large portion of Mestizo Indigenous and Spanish ancestry) based on a few results (though I don't trust those ancestry tests 100%), but its funny when I tell people that. Mexicans who are from Texas ancestrally, have more claim to the land based on their native heritage than the large pickup truck types.
fajadada@reddit
And they still voted. At least by polling info. For the leader of the giant pickup crowd. Sorry still angry
theoracleofdreams@reddit
Yup, I'm still angry too, at my own fucking family to boot! I swear my parents are the only sensible ones and even THEY have stupid blinders on.
G00dSh0tJans0n@reddit
Yeah, as over a quarter million people went to sleep in Mexico then woke up the next day in the United States and they have a lot of decedents.
old_gold_mountain@reddit
Yep, in California there are fully ethnically East Asian people whose family has been in California since the late 1800s. The odds are decent whatever white dude is asking them where they're from has ancestors that moved here after that.
sinnayre@reddit
Oh yeah. I remember meeting an 80 something Chinese woman in SF. Told me she was born in the city and didn’t speak a lick of Mandarin/Canto.
Pitiful_Lion7082@reddit
My church is made up of a ton of different backgrounds, so it usually comes up as a matter of conversation.
Ok_Sentence_5767@reddit
No and many of us are proud of our ancestry. However as others said there is a polite way and a racist way of asking.
PrisonCity_Cowboy@reddit
No. If you look Asian, then other Asian people will get right up in your face & ask theses questions. 🤣 It happens to me all the time lol!
Basementsnake@reddit
It depends. Asking a white person is fine. Asking a person of color, especially if you don’t know them well (ie a coworker, student, teacher, not-close neighbor) is tricky. Asking this may imply you assume they are not from the US because they are not white. And every person of color has been asked this in a less than friendly way at least once in their lives, if not once a month or week.
A better question is “Where did you grow up?” Of “Where did you go to high school/college/“ etc. This gives then a chance to say “Illinois but my parents are from Cambodia”. And if they just say a state or a town, don’t pry further. They would tell you if they wanted to.
thegreatherper@reddit
I wish white people would just ask what ethnicity I am. The whole where are you from? No no, where are you really from? After I say Maryland is annoying.
sharpshooter999@reddit
I have the same interests as you, though I probably wouldn't just ask someone about their ancestry unless it came up in conversation somehow. You could say you're interested in anthropology and learning about people's heritage and then see if they'd willing tell you without you directly asking. It's also possible they don't even know. My mother-in-laws family has absolutely no idea when any of her came to the US. My wife's grandfather is 90, but even he says he doesn't know. My family (both my father's and mother's) and my father-in-law's family can track their ancestry back to the towns in Europe our ancestors left, and have met/communicated with distant relatives still living in Europe. I've got family in Germany that we call/email regularly and send packages back and forth. I always get excited because they have a bakery and make the best marzipan
SevenSixOne@reddit
Yeah, a lot of us don't really know (or care) much about when our ancestors got here or where they came from-- I don't! Any connection to the Old Country is usually gone after three or four generations anyway.
Fluffy_Yesterday_468@reddit
Unless you ask every white person what part of Europe their family is from, don’t ask this question. You also don’t ask it as a first question - once you actually know the person sure go for it
AnthonyRules777@reddit
It's a bit taboo yeah. But if the other person mentions ethnic/cultural background, then it's totally fair game to ask where their parents are from.
Bluemonogi@reddit
I don’t think it would be rude to ask someone where they are from. A lot of people do move around so it is normal.
Maybe phrase it “i grew up in x city/state but moved here several years ago. Where are you from? “ Then whatever they answer just say something positive and move on.
northbyPHX@reddit
I don’t think it’s no longer polite to ask about the things that OP mentioned, but it’s also not something for casual conversations between strangers or people with only a tenuous connection.
I have no problems talking about these things to good friends.
I think a part of the problem is there ARE bad actors out there who will use these information against you. (I am not talking about illegal immigration, which is a different matter altogether.) I remember I told someone about my cultural background when I was in school, only to have the person organize a group of others to hurl racist insults at me. Worse, the school’s administration did nothing!
sadthrow104@reddit
I’ve never met an immigrant that would get offended if you ask their ethnicity. Across ALL cultures, how you ask the question applies universally.
Horangi1987@reddit
Yeah, there’s a lot of tone and body language that I analyze in receiving this question. I’m Korean, I live in Florida. Most people are respectful, but during the heights of lockdown era there were some very accusatory statements and questions leveled at me.
sadthrow104@reddit
Is there a sizable Korean population in Florida cities like its northern neighbor?
Horangi1987@reddit
Not at all. I have zero Korean friends here. I did run into a small ‘Tampa Bay Korean Society’ at a cultural festival in St. Petersburg because I ventured out in one of my hanboks, but it was small and most likely Christian oriented, which isn’t my thing.
I grew up in St. Paul, Minnesota - there’s a large Korean community there. All my friends were Korean up there.
Salty-Snowflake@reddit
My daughter's best friends in Little Rock and Philly were both Korean. Parents born in Korea. We learned so much about Korean-Americans from them. Including the fact that Korea sends Christian missionaries to the US!
Thank you to your ancestors for creating some of the best foods I've ever eaten!
It actually makes me sad that this question even has to be asked. One of the best parts of being a Navy family is the diversity of the people we met and know, not just from around the world but also from different parts of America. That's how I got so interested in the intersection of food, culture, and geography.
Maharog@reddit
It tends not to be first or even second generation immigrants that get annoyed but once you are 3rd or 4th or 5th generation it can become "where am I from? My parents were born in Kansas, my grandparents are from San Francisco and Ft Lauderdale....
Chance-Business@reddit
People love talking about it but yes you cannot just assume someone is not born here. We are well beyond that time frame. When people ask me what my ethnicity is I feel it is a fine question. When people say "where are you from?" that is an insult to me because I was born here, my dad fought in vietnam, my grandpa had been fixing airplanes here for decades. We are american. I'm FROM here. Assuming I'm NOT from here means you saw my skin color and assumed I was a foreigner. We are americans. But even today people still don't get that, and people still think it's not insulting.
If you ask where are you from but do it in a very nice way, nobody will notice. Just expect that americans WILL say an american location. Because if you're expecting a foreign country, it will be obvious you are "fishing" as you say and it will come across bad. Your intention is important. Be honest and nice and ask directly about their background.
GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit
You aren't as cool as you think you are.
44035@reddit
"Where did you grow up?" seems like a less direct way to get the same information. They may say Thailand, or they may say Chicago.
An8thOfFeanor@reddit
"I'm from Thailand" 🥳
"I'm from Chicago" 🤮😡
DarkSeas1012@reddit
Big words coming from someone in the same state as St. Louis! 😂
ENovi@reddit
Lmao oh wow I didn’t even see the flair! At first I thought the downvotes were a little much since one of America’s oldest and most sacred traditions is shitting on other states but then I saw the guy from the poop swastika state and now I’m actually aghast that he took a shot at Chicago.
Yeah, I know that incident is insane and doesn’t actually represent Missouri but I was born in LA and I’ve lived in California for my entire life. This means I’m a veteran when it comes to people from different states shit talking us and I’ve got so much shit talk chambered and ready to fire at any of you fucks from the other 49 states if you dare to insult God’s holiest piece of creation.
lol seriously though, Missouri? People from Darfur have a stronger leg to stand on when it comes to shit talking Chicago. Please be honest with yourselves.
Fillmore_the_Puppy@reddit
This is my preference as well. But of course, I would only ask this in a conversation with a new friend, friendly acquaintance, or coworker, NOT a stranger or someone it didn't make sense to have a "getting to know each other" conversation with.
Maybe relevant: I am born and raised in the western US where it's seems more common for people to have moved here from somewhere else than it is to have family ties going back generations. So, where one grew up/moved from is a very normalized conversational topic.
CremeAggressive9315@reddit
I don't think that your neighbors are "ignorant," but the word you should use is "ancestry."
mmeeplechase@reddit
Yeah… actual question aside, I’m not so sure opening with “my ignorant neighbors” is the best way to get on people’s good sides, OP!
FishrNC@reddit
OP exposed their own bigotry in doing so.
ENovi@reddit
I’m not saying this is the case but in my (poor white) experience the ignorance could be them simply phrasing a question in a way that isn’t PC e.g. “So where are your people from?” or something. Yeah, you shouldn’t phrase it like that and I’d understand completely if someone got offended by that question but I can tell you, based on personal experience, that the person asking is genuinely curious and isn’t being malicious.
My grandmother is a source of pride for our family because she was a fierce advocate of Civil Rights (marches, boycotts, etc). She was that way, in part, because her best friend since childhood was a black girl from across the street (my grandma was actually named after the black girl’s mother because that family took in my grandma’s older sister for several days since my great grandma had significant complications during the birth of my grandma). They had been friends so long that I even I knew the woman. You wanna know what my grandma called black women? Negresses. I guess it’s the feminine form of negro. I can distinctly remember a time where she came over to babysit me and told me to take an afternoon snack over to “that sweet little negress” that was playing with us the other day. This was all in LA, by the way.
My point to all this is that I would never fault a black woman today if they got offended by the term “negress” because that term today sounds like something the villain in a Quentin Tarantino movie would say. I also know that my grandma was born in 1931 (died in 2000, RIP Me-Me) and her only “fault” would be her use of now antiquated terms. Idk what OP’s “ignorant” neighbors said. It could have been horrifically racist but it just as easily could have been something said by someone without a malicious bone in their body whose vocab might just need a little updating.
This isn’t to say that racism doesn’t exist or anything like that. It’s more to say that there are times where Americans genuinely just don’t use the right word and are more than willing to correct themselves if that’s explained to them. What doesn’t help is when another white person scoffs at them like they’re ignorant rubes and acts morally superior to them.
If a black woman from a later generation (understandably) took offense by my grandma calling her a “negress” I know it would genuinely hurt her and eat at her for days. If she had a white neighbor smugly looking down his nose at her while correcting her she’d take a drag from a Camel cigarette and tell him to go fuck himself. I’m confident on both points because a black nurse did gently correct her while she was dying and I swear it upset her more than the lung cancer (the nurse actually came to her funeral lol) and she swore so much that when I was under 2 years old and being bathed by my mom I apparently kept slapping the water and saying “bullshit!” with each slap.
Great, now I’m mad thinking of someone like OP calling my grandma ignorant in between deep breaths and savoring his own farts. OP, if you read this can you provide an example of what your ignorant neighbors say? I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that they’re actually being prejudiced but I need to know if that’s the case or if they’re simply not as enlightened as you.
Dippity_Dont@reddit
Well not IN FRONT of them haha! But we're behind their backs here, so it's cool. Just don't go behind OPs back and talk to his neighbors!
Jesterhead89@reddit
I'm not exactly sure, because this topic has gone through a few different cycles of debate between either side of the spectrum over the years. The first time I really saw it in my life was post-9/11 and the racial tension that sprang from that from the more conservative side of society. Then this topic was shunned by the more liberal side of society, I guess because they assumed you were a bigot for asking.
Maybe I'm not socially adjusted enough or maybe I'm just more curious about people than I am bothered about American social norms, but I might just get my foot in the door by asking about their accent or something. Maybe take a stab at asking if they come from X or Y place.
But honestly the smoothest way I've found that isn't presumptive and fits into natural conversation is maybe asking "Do you live here?" > if no, how long have they been here > where were they before > "Oh, India? That's cool, I have a very good friend that is from the South. So what brings you here?" and then off you go into conversation
SevenSixOne@reddit
Why do you need to know? I think asking about it is almost always inappropriate and irrelevant. If the other person feels it's important, they'll usually bring it up themselves... and if they don't, then it's none of your business!
TexasRedFox@reddit (OP)
I think we found the “I see no color” type here.
SevenSixOne@reddit
Make no mistake, I notice that kind of thing-- I just don't ask about it because I think that's rude, and because usually I don't need to 🤷♀️
CenterofChaos@reddit
I don't think it has become a delicate topic, I think some people use the question to be invasive or due to assumptions about one's background.
My advice would be to ask it when it's relevant to a conversation. They mention travel to a family member, speaking a language, where they grew up etc. Asking out of the blue is often unusual.
Also believe wherever they tell you the first time. Don't follow up with "where are you really from" or "where are your parents from". I have a friend who is first generation, born and raised in a white podunk place. People are always badgering her about where she's "really" from. She has never visited her parents homelands and doesn't speak any additional languages. Podunk nowhere is her background and that's the end of the conversation.
SevenSixOne@reddit
Exactly! Even if someone has a last name or physical features that suggest a specific country/region/etc, they still might not be "from" that place in any meaningful way.
TheOwlMarble@reddit
My coworker married an Indian-looking woman with an Indian-sounding name from another department that I'd never spoken to (thus didn't know if she had an accent) and posted photos of their wedding to Facebook, which featured a large number of culturally Indian elements.
I assumed she was either a first or second generation immigrant, but we work in tech. Idgaf what country you're from. I was genuinely curious if she grew up here or not, and if not, how her immigration journey had gone.
Nevertheless, when she can up in conversation one time and I asked, "Where's [wife's name] from?", I got a very heated "Ohio." The dude almost growled at me.
So, I'm gonna say it is apparently not polite. If I can't respectfully ask a coworker I'm on otherwise good terms with in an industry where immigrants are extremely common without eliciting anger from the dude, I can't imagine it's better elsewhere.
DrGerbal@reddit
If you get to know someone and than want to dive into their heritage it’s usually accepted and a fun time. But just walking up to someone in like a burka and being like “ where you from, Iran? What’s that like” is not great
quirkney@reddit
Americans often use "from" in place of "heritage." It’s not just in a negative or accusatory way—it’s also used when referring to personal heritage. For example, I’ve heard people express confusion when a fourth-generation immigrant claims to be "from Italy."
Yes its a stupid thing for people to say. But it's generally just stupidity, and not some scheme to make someone feel bad.
rawbface@reddit
This is not a rude question. What's rude is not accepting someone's answer to it, or the follow-up question "Where are you really from?"
QuirkyCookie6@reddit
Yup, I got asked this by a coworker once, and she wouldn't accept the answer of 'American blend' and she wouldn't leave me alone about it until I started listing off the percentages I knew.
I'll admit, I'm white to most people so I'm not usually exposed to this, and it really opened my eyes to how rude that line of questioning is.
ReadinII@reddit
“American blend” is an odd way of saying it. The PC term is “typical American mutt”.
CalmRip@reddit
Nah, the proud term is “typical American mutt.”
FarPalpitation6756@reddit
Context is everything too. “Where are you from” [demanding tone] is nowhere close to “so, where ya from?” [conversational, interested tone].
HorseFeathersFur@reddit
Ohio.
Oh? Where are your parents from?
Virginia.
But where are they really from?
I hate this line if questioning it happens all the time mainly from tourists I have to talk to
HughLouisDewey@reddit
First week of law school, I struck up a conversation with a classmate in the library. She had a definite English accent, and from her name and appearance it was clear that her family background was from the southwest Asia/Pakistan area.
I asked where she was from, and she said England, and kind of chuckled because that was obvious from her accent. Now because of soccer and the YouTube algorithm feeding me a steady diet of BBC comedy shows, I knew a little bit more about British geography than the average American, so I pressed a bit and asked where in England she was from.
The flash of annoyance that was replaced by relief when I got "in England" out told me that just about every white person she'd ever met had asked her the "Where are you really from?" follow-up, and I still feel bad that it didn't occur to me to ask my question a different way.
husky_whisperer@reddit
Forgive me I couldn’t help but quote this 😎
Police Chief Grady: I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamoles. Smy?
Officer Smy: Yeah, chief. I’ll have a CHINCHILLA!
Rabbit: I don’t get it. Tacos?
Thorny: They think I’m Mexican.
Rabbit: You’re not Mexican?
nowhereman136@reddit
This, most Americans are proud of their heritage but do see themselves as Americans first and foremost. We are happy to talk about our heritage but implying we are less American for it would be considered rude.
EitherLime679@reddit
If someone gets offended by the phrase “where are you from” you shouldn’t associate with them any more.
devnullopinions@reddit
“Where did you grow up?” Not insulting and not assuming anything.
SadPandaFromHell@reddit
I don't think it's rude- just don't go overboard with it- like, it's fine to ask, but be careful of accidental ignorance. What I mean is this- my SO's grandfather was terrible about this, he would ask people where they come from- and then he would start treating them differently based on their responses. Like, he thought he was woke for it, but it was profiling, which is bad.
ClockAndBells@reddit
If I notice that someone has an accent, and we are in a situation where making this type of small talk is appropriate, I will ask "I notice a small accent. May I ask what is your country of origin?"
I don't want them to be self-conscious about their accent. I also use a more formal request because that is what people who study English would understand, and sounds less ignorant than "where're you from?"
Whatever country they say, I respond positively, and follow up with a short conversation, then leave them be.
I do not ask this, for example, while waiting in line at a store with a bunch of customers behind me. But I may do so if no one is behind me and my transaction is done (so the person is not as obligated to respond).
So far, I have never had a negative response.
Ravenclaw79@reddit
I usually go with “Where did you get the cool accent?”
HorseFeathersFur@reddit
This is awesome
MollySleeps@reddit
If someone has an accent that is clearly not American, it is okay to ask them where they are from.
Otherwise, asking them what their ethnic heritage is a better way to phrase the question, but only to people you're familiar with, not strangers.
claravii@reddit
It depends on how you ask the question. "Where are you from?" tends to mean "Where did you grow up?". If you say "Where are you REALLY from?", it's seen as rude. Many people were born and raised in the US even if they have the ethnic background of another place, so it implies they aren't actually American. Usually, people ask "What's your family's background?" or "What's your heritage?"
brickbaterang@reddit
It kinda depends on where you are. I live in Albany NY and we have a HUGE multicultural vibe for a small city. I've worked with people from all over the middle east, from Somalia, Sudan, the Philippines, Bosnia, Ukraine, Albania, you name it. Most people love their culture and would love to talk about it with people that are respectful and genuinely interested about it. I'm really interested in name origins and meanings for example so i find a really good icebreaker on the subject to be something like " wow i really like your name, what does it mean in your culture?" or something like that and go from there. Some cultures are a bit more reticent about opening up to people they don't know well tho so tread carefully and stick to generalities and let them steer the conversation
Super_Appearance_212@reddit
What? When I ask "Where are you from?" I usually mean what city or state did you grow up in?
Even so, people still generally share their ethnicities. It's sort of an American past time since there's not really an American ethnicity, unless you're Native American.
Same-Farm8624@reddit
As a white person I can confidently say that when someone asks where I am from they are not fishing for a different country. When they ask a person from a different race or skin color they sometimes mean something very different. I sometimes am asked about the origin of my last name, which is uncommon. I have never been offended but I can see how someone might be.
SockSock81219@reddit
It hasn't "become" a more delicate topic, it's always been a loaded question for people who don't look white, they just feel more free to talk about how uncomfortable it makes them than they used to.
If you meet someone new to your area, it's fine to ask about where they're from as an ice breaker, but if they don't look white, it may be more polite to phrase it more like "have you lived around here long?"
Otherwise, someone's ancestry or genetic makeup is no one else's business unless they decide to share it. If you want to have a diverse cohort of friends, be a good friend and don't try to collect exotic people like pokemon cards. If you want to learn about how folks in other parts of the world live, watch some youtube videos.
signedupfornightmode@reddit
I ask people of all stripes “where did you grow up/did you grow up around here?” I’m in an area with a lot of transplants, too, so it’s not uncommon that people lived elsewhere earlier in life. If they immigrated, they will probably mention it, or if they were born here but have close ties to another country, a lot of time that comes up naturally, too. I’ll also offer that I moved a lot as a kid and lived abroad.
Girlwithnoprez@reddit
As a racial ambiguous person I don’t mind being asked. I have a Dominican Mom and African American Dad with a hella Jewish last name so I am used to being stopped by TSA and getting stares when I say my full name. It’s the after conversation I usually have to cringe through. When I travel abroad it’s sometimes awkward to get stares and hushed tones.
gingerjuice@reddit
My mother in law is sort of obsessed with ethnicity. She has embarrassed me more times than I can count by asking strangers things like “Are you Mexican or Indian?” or something like that. I personally think it’s kind of rude. If the person clearly has an accent I was curious about, I might ask them to tell me about their accent. I will not ask someone their ethnicity. I figure if it’s someone I know, they will tell me eventually, and if I don’t know them, then it’s none of my business.
Abdelsauron@reddit
It's considered polite unless you're speaking to a college-aged liberal or redditor. Most people don't actually get bent out of shape about this unless you're a jerk.
Kamohoaliii@reddit
This is perfectly ok for the vast majority of the population.
mustachechap@reddit
What's your ancestry?
Kamohoaliii@reddit
Born in France, now a US citizen.
mustachechap@reddit
I see.
My ancestry is Indian and I get tired of the "where are you from?" questions. Perhaps you receive the question less than someone who is from Asia?
unrealvirion@reddit
Yeah, or for me, people get upset when I insist that my family is from America/Florida.
I’m Native American. My family has been in Florida for centuries and on this continent for like 15,000 years.
Kamohoaliii@reddit
Since I've never been Asian I would not know for sure. I do get the question often because of my accent.
mustachechap@reddit
That's fair.
Perhaps my feelings about the question might be different if my ancestry were from a country that were perceived better (such as France).
BH_Gobuchul@reddit
Honestly I think that’s a weird question to ask someone. Just ask where they’re from and let them decide how to respond
mustachechap@reddit
I get tired of being asked "where I'm from", because the majority of the time I'm being singled out in a group solely due to the color of my skin.
Even if they aren't asking "where are you really from", it's basically the same thing when my White/Black peers aren't being asked the same question.
spiteye762@reddit
I haven't offended anyone except for Americans. If you come across as an asshole, maybe you'll offend someone, but if you ask with genuine curiosity then you're good. I've met people from all over!
unrealvirion@reddit
It’s fine to ask someone “where are you from?” or “what’s your ethnic background?” It’s rude to persist and ask someone “where are you really from?” as a loaded question. Most people who say it that way mean “what are you?”
Total-Ad5463@reddit
I am always curious because I just like to learn about people 🤷♀️ I never know how or when it's appropriate to ask lol so I am glad I am not the only one.
guywithshades85@reddit
My dad's family is from Greece, while my mom's is from Portugal. I look somewhat Latino and a ton of people ask me assuming that I'll say Mexican or something and then I have to explain how I'm not. It gets annoying after awhile.
zugabdu@reddit
"Where are you from?" carries an assumption that someone isn't from the United States, and for some groups of people who live here, that's been used as a budget against us in the past. It tends not to be asked of white people anywhere near as often, which is a strong hint about why you should think twice about saying this.
"What is your family's background?" is more polite as it does not carry this assumption.
Dull-Geologist-8204@reddit
I still ask and yes when I first ask some people look a little uncomfortable because of the assumption. How you respond makes a big difference though.
Asked my brother's gf where she was from. She obviously looks Asian and said she was from the same town in the US as my grandmother lived before she passed away. I was like cool my grandmother lived there and we moved on from that to talk about the area. Same way the conversation would go if I was talking to someone of European descent. Remember, racism is treating someone differently because of their skin color. Not talking to her the same ay I would talk to someone who is white would be racist.
Sometimes you will get funny looks because they are assuming your follow up question will be something along the lines of no where are you really from? Once you follow up with something like really my grandmother lived there. Hey do you remember this specific restraunt or what not it puts people at ease.
I also should point out I am a military brat. If someone was born in China and moved here when they are 3 and they spent most of their lives in that area and say that's home then that's home. I wasn't born where I consider home either. It's just where I spent most of my life and where I feel most comfortable so that's where I consider home. Same goes for a lot of immigrants. Your home is where you decide home is.
Shot-Artichoke-4106@reddit
As others have mentioned, it's not a problem to be interested in other people and their backgrounds. How you ask questions is key, though. Are you asking intrusive questions upon first meeting a person? Or do you have an established relationship and you are asking as part of getting to know them better? And, when you ask "where are you from?" is that the question you mean to ask or are you asking about the person's ethnic background or ancestry? Asking the questions you really mean to ask is important.
flareon141@reddit
Depends on tone and situation. If new neighbors move in that happen to be Asian.
I will ask where they are from, excepting a different state/city. If theyhave an accent, I might expect country.
HippieJed@reddit
It has gotten me a few looks when I have asked where are you from originally. If they appear to get cautious I just say I enjoy getting to know people from all around and how boring life would be with a bunch of white southerners around.
mountain_attorney558@reddit
If I’m asked where I’m from, I’ll say the city and state. I’ll only talk about where my family had immigrated from if asked what my ethnicity.
SamDiep@reddit
I do it all the time and I honestly don't care if it offends. I like hearing about where people came from and how they came to be here.
EffectiveNew4449@reddit
I've been asked that and always respond with "the US", "America", or the state. My family has been here since the 1600s-1700s. It wouldn't make sense for me to respond with one of the various European countries the colonists came from. If I really had to say one, I'd say Britain, because my family were British subjects.
I think, for me, it's not a problematic question. However, a lot of weird anti-immigrant types regularly use the question to discriminate against people.
mothwhimsy@reddit
I don't think most people have ever really liked this question. It's just becoming more well known that the question isn't polite.
You can ask people where they're from, but if they say "here." That's the end of it. If you start fishing for their ancestry or ethnic background they're probably going to be annoyed. They know what you were actually asking and deflected politely. No one really wants to be asked "what race are you?"
MiketheTzar@reddit
As with many things the context is extremely important. If the overt intention is to other then it's bad. If it's to include to expound it's not.
Dippity_Dont@reddit
I don't think so. A few years ago maybe 2021, I got a new dentist and she has the coolest accent so I asked her where she was from. She told me and didn't seem weird about it, nor did she cause me excess pain. I mean NO ONE wants to make their dentist mad right before they work on you, haha! But she's great and I could listen to her talk all day. Anyway, I still see her and she doesn't seem to have any animosity. She usually gives me a quick hug when I first come in.
Astute_Primate@reddit
"Where are you from?" isn't the question you're really asking. You may be talking to a 5th or 6th generation American. What if you asked a non-white person where they're from and they say "About 40 miles outside of Columbus, Ohio?" That's where they're from and they've never lived anywhere else. They're as American as the proverbial apple pie. If you want to know someone's ethnic background, just ask.
You also have to understand that being in Texas they might not feel comfortable answering that. And if you don't know why, you're not paying attention. It may not be all Texans who are xenophobic, but it doesn't take all Texans to hurt them. It only takes one.
Pinwurm@reddit
Immigrant here.
You may want to avoid the question, "Where are you from?" unless the person already implied they're not from your town. Some folks may feel their sense of belonging is being questioned. Which, I get. I've heard the, "Where are you really from?" question a lot.
I'd recommend, "Can I ask, what is your background/heritage?" which is a little more direct and open-ended and respectful. There is less risk of misinterpretation.
I also like, "Did you grow up around here?". Most people are proud or excited to talk about where they grew up so they'll expand. "I grew up on a ranch in Texas, but my parents immigrated all the way from Korea," which gives you the context you’re looking for while treating them as a peer. Or they might just say, "Yes/No" - without further context, and that should be enough to understand they don't want to talk about it.
xRVAx@reddit
Just ask "where do you call home"
TheBimpo@reddit
It's not the content of the question, it's the context of the question.
Maybe not "Where are you from?", try something more like "Hey, so this is something I'm always interested in learning more about people to get to know them better, what's your family's cultural background? Is it something you have a deep connection to? It's meaningful to me, I've spent years learning my genealogy, I always wonder if other people do the same."
You should kind of know someone and be in a very comfortable and friendly conversation already.
sneerfuldawn@reddit
It's not that it's impolite or taboo, it's that it isn't any of your business. If you become friendly with a neighbor, coworker, etc, you can probably introduce this question organically and it would be no big deal. You shouldn't just go around and ask people where they are from. That's weird and rude, regardless of how much you love diversity.
No-Run-3594@reddit
People ask me that and based on their tone I either tell them where I’m actually from or the name of the US state I’ve lived in for years. If it’s the condescending tone I double down on it. It really depends on intent and I’ve never had anyone be rude about it except one time.
Endy0816@reddit
I'll normally ask where people's family are from instead.
BooksCoffeeDogs@reddit
I usually phrase it something like this, “Oh, that’s an interesting accent. May I ask where you’re from?” I tend to get a response that way. If people don’t want to answer, then I shrug and say “okay.”
ActiveDinner3497@reddit
I am also a curious person. Americans move around the country a lot and with the amount of immigrants, asking “Where are you from?” is perfectly normal.
If they are from a different culture, I express that I am curious. I ask if I can quiz them about their culture. If they say yes, I also add if anything makes them uncomfortable, stop me.
For example, I was asking an Indian about their arranged marriages (his religious background still encouraged it). We chatted quite a bit but hit a point when it came to traditions and funding where he was done. I respected it and we moved on to other stuff. Granted, my non-American friends and coworkers use me as the American cultural encyclopedia 😂😂 so it’s all fair.
Current_Poster@reddit
It kind of sounds like someone wants us to agree with their side of an argument.
VictorianPeorian@reddit
I wonder if it's better to start with "Out of curiosity..."? 🤔 Seems a bit less abrupt and less likely to be interpreted as hostile, although I liked someone else's suggestion here of "Where did you grow up?" Would "What's your accent?" be considered rude, if you detect one (whether regional or international) and are genuinely curious?
Conchobair@reddit
“Where are you from?” is asking where someone was born. You should be asking something more directly referencing ancestry like "Where is your family originally from?"
Maharog@reddit
It's completely okay to ask where someone is from, because it is a curiosity question to get to know more about that person. but if they say "new jersey" and you follow it up with "no, no, I want to know where your family comes from" what you are doing is saying "hey, I noticed you aren't white and want to figure out which box i should shoehorn you into" which is a very different question.
If I'm on a date with someone who is Asian and the date is just started i might ask "hey, where are you from?" And by that I mean where they specifically grew up. If they date is going well and I feel like we are hitting it off and I'm curious I might say "tell me about your culture" which is a more intimate question and not one I would just ask someone i was sharing an elevator with.
Please note "what kind of Asian are you?" is almost NEVER acceptable. But I've seen people say it before and to borrow a term from the younger generation, it is very cringe.
bluescrew@reddit
I just wait for them to bring it up. If they don't, then we just don't know each other like that yet and it's not my place to force them to talk about their background for what may be the millionth time.
It helps if they see how i treat such topics in general. That i am respectful of other cultures (without fetishizing them), that i don't repeat stereotypes i heard in the media or in movies, and that I'm more interested in who they are as an individual than in what labels i can put on them.
blueponies1@reddit
My ex girlfriend thought it was creepy when men would ask “what kind of Asian are you?” But that’s probably just because there’s too many weebs out here acting all weird and obsessive about Asian culture. I don’t think it’s really rude in a general sense though.
ReebX1@reddit
You know damn well what the problem is. If you want to talk about ancestry, ask about ancestry. If people don't want to talk about it, leave them alone. Otherwise you sound like one of those racists looking for a reason to verbally attack someone.
lawyerjsd@reddit
It's the phrasing: asking "where are you from" indicates that you believe the person doesn't belong here. Instead, ask about their cultural identity (I'm not sure how exactly to phrase it without sounding awkward, but I'm working on it). Maybe, "before your family came to the States, where were they from?"
sabreR7@reddit
It depends on how you pose the question and the context. If someone says they are from “Maryland” and you say “Where are you originally from?” or “That’s not what I meant”, that might be an awkward conversation.
I have met Americans from a lot of backgrounds I have found that conversations with the ones you call “ignorant” are not as tedious compared to a person who is interested in my ancestry, even if their intentions are good.
Kittypie75@reddit
"Where are you from?" is different than "What's your ethnic background?". I'm FROM the US. My ethnic background, is X,Y,Z.
rixxxxxxy@reddit
It hasn't become a delicate topic - it always has been a vulnerable one for the people whose answers can put them at risk, usually for reasons of racism. It's good that more people are learning and acknowledging it, though.
If you want to ask about someone's cultural background, ask that. If you want to know where someone grew up, ask that. If you want to know what language someone speaks, ask that. Etc. "Where are you from" is ok too if that's what you really mean, but if they say "America" or name a state then that's that, and fishing for more discounts that (true) answer as well as making it seem more likely that you are searching for a basis on which to discriminate against them.
Meilingcrusader@reddit
It depends on where you live. Where I grew up in Massachusetts it was quite common to ask each other about that stuff, even as kids. But apparently people when I went to school in the south found it weird
sjedinjenoStanje@reddit
I would say it's not polite to ask unless you're rather close with someone. There really isn't a tactful way to ask otherwise, unless, maybe, you're inquiring if someone has the same background as you. ("Is that an Armenian accent I detect? Because I'm of Armenian ancestry myself.")
fasterthanfood@reddit
I wouldn’t make it my first or second question, implying that their ancestry or country of origin is the most important thing about them. Establish that you consider them as an individual worthy of respect, then:
ReadinII@reddit
I ask, if there is reason, “where’s your family from”? This is generally reserved for people raised in America whose parents are foreign. Otherwise there’s not much reason to care.
For people obviously raised in another country I think it’s ok to just as where they are from.
However, don’t ask every single person. The cashier might be the first person from Uzbekistan that you have ever met so it’s interesting to you, but to them they are likely sick and tired of being asked.
sneezhousing@reddit
It's how you ask not the asking
Icy_Peace6993@reddit
I get that question a lot, I look like I could be from a variety of places including most of Latin America, the Middle East and South Asia, but I'm actually literally from the U.S., going back generations on both sides of my family. I don't get offended if someone asks me that question, but I also don't myself ask that question. I personally think it's more fun to try to guess before they actually tell me. So, even if I'm curious, I'll just try to keep the conversation going on other topics and see if I can put the clues together, I get a little thrill if at some point down the line, I find out that I was right.
MrLongWalk@reddit
I think you're projecting or leaving out some important context
ketamineburner@reddit
"Where are you from?" Is a fine question. Not accepting the answer is rude.
GOTaSMALL1@reddit
Maybe I'm rude. I had a great conversation with a guy at work (I'm in construction) 'cause I straight up asked if he was here illegally after talking for a bit.
FYI... turns out he's a DACA kid... Only speaks Spanish badly and likes to Rodeo on the weekends. I learned a lot about the program and what he's going through. Good talk.
I'd agree with others... it's not the question. It's the intention and if you're an asshole about it.
shwh1963@reddit
I would never ask anyone where they are from. If you’re interested in ethnicity then you can ask what is their heritage.
Electrical_Quiet43@reddit
To me, it just requires a bit of tact to convey that you're interested in the person and not calling them out for being different. I think it's also good to keep in mind that people who are ethnically ambiguous likely do get the "where are you from, no really from?" question a lot, and it may not be something they love talking about with strangers. It's often more of a casual acquaintance topic than total stranger topic (e.g. I wouldn't ask the person checking my out at Target about their ethnic background if there wasn't a very obvious opening).
enkilekee@reddit
I think you should know that person a bit before you "other" them. As a Caucasian in a minority majority have learned that my neighbors view me through their experience with other white people. Once they get to know me (and my dog) a bit, many people start opening up. Don't make the first conversation about something like that. It can feel rude and out of touch for 2025.
DOMSdeluise@reddit
When I ask people where they're from I usually elaborate like, "where are you from, where did you grow up?" to make clear I'm trying to ask about someone's life and not trying to subtly find out their race/ethnicity. But also if you are trying to find that out then just be direct - if you wouldn't be satisfied with a South Asian (for example) looking person answering "where are you from?" with "New Jersey" (for example) then you aren't asking the right question.
OhThrowed@reddit
Its fine to ask, but it may give the impression that there is a 'wrong' answer if you push the ethnic stuff.