Ignoring women who I kinda already knew, or was introduced to, or work with, or was a friend of a friend, etc… (which would probably equate to maybe 8x I knew I was flirting and we were chatting up each other).

And also ignoring the occasions where I didn’t realise I was being chatted up… (which I would guess is maybe 5x max).

So genuine, she just comes over to me, says hello, and chats me up, scenarios… I can think of two times.

1. I am about 18 or 19, and I am at a nightclub. This would be around 1999/2000, and I am about 18/19 years old. It was a local nightclub and Thursdays were THE NIGHT for all the college kids. I was there weekly.

The previous week I had taken the very late 90’s decision to gel my hair in to spikes and bleach the tips. I went nightclubbing, maybe with my very late 90’s Wayfarer style glasses with the yellow non-prescription lenses, which was the style at the time. Those glasses and the bleached spiky tips. I didn’t pull.

The week after that, I had cut my hair and it was now back to my normal puddlewater brown, with 90’s styling. Think Simon from the Inbetweeners. This girl comes up to me. She is an absolutely solid 8/10. Maybe even an 8.5. A girl that beautiful had never been within 10 yards of me before but now here she is, approaching ME and saying hello. Well call her Eve, because that’s what she introduced herself as.

“Your hair looks pretty nice tonight”, she said, and then she purred like a kitten, “but I much preferred the spiky look from last weekend”. Yeah so I pulled her there and then, and I don’t sit here dwelling wistfully in 2025, no sir.

1. Me and a friend have been to see Blur at Hyde Park in about 2012 maybe? 2013? Something like that. He’s going back to his hotel, and I’m going back to my hotel which is also very close to an indie club, so it might be that I end up going to that indie club and demanding they play “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys, before retiring to bed a happy man. It’s a bit of a walk, and yes I might go to that indie club by myself, but no matter, I’m very very drunk.

Two girls approach me, two young and very attractive Persian-looking girls, incredible beauties really, and they take a shine to me and ask me what I’m doing. “I’m going to the indie club” I say. They want me to go with them and go drinking and whatnot. I am of course tempted and intrigued, “where are you going drinking?” I ask. They kinda giggle all demurely and insist I should follow them and find out.

I’m either going to get mugged, or I’m about to have a threesome with two fucking smoke shows, I can’t quite tell but experience tells me I’m probably not getting a threesome with these two Hadid-a-likes.

“Sorry” I say, “I’m too old, too pale, too fat, too tired and too drunk to want to deal with the magic eight ball of an evening you two mysterious foxes have got planned. Honestly dancing to the Stone Roses and treating myself to chicken burger is more appealing”.

The WWE Bella Sisters walk off shocked, but then I hear this third woman just burst in to laughter and tell me that that was absolutely incredible and could she come with me to the indie club and share my chicken burger. She was absolutely lovely too. A beautiful woman, a nurse called Georgina who was into horse riding and lifting weights. She lived in the next town to me too. I said she was more than welcome to join me at the club but she’d have to prise that chicken burger from my cold dead fucking hands.

Anyway, had an amazing night with her, she said her goodbyes in the morning, and I never saw her again. And I don’t dwell on her either, no sir.

And those were the only two genuine times I’ve been chatted up. I’m 43.