ULPT Request: how can I fake my death in the California fires?

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You’re gonna need to put either an arm or leg in an ice bath until the pain and tingling stops. You’ll also need a few participants to make this go as smoothly as possible. Two to hold you down and one to operate the reciprocating saw to remove whichever limb you decided to part with. After the “procedure”, make sure to cauterize the wound with fire, which should be the easy part. Then simply toss the limb into a burning building and wait for your well done body part to be discovered by cadaver dogs. Enjoy your new life as an amputee on a beach somewhere.

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Pwincess_Summah@reddit

I feel like taking your teeth out would be easier

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cheetomama@reddit

The teeth, the envelope, the crash… I think it’s enough!

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Local-Finance8389@reddit

It’s hard for an amateur to get a good nerve block on a tooth. It would be easier to do a finger or toe. Don’t even need to do the whole finger if you can get the top joint off cleanly.

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NeutralGeneric@reddit

Then the limb is never found or never connected with you and they just pronounce you missing. But hey, you can get a cool hook hand at least.

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yestoness@reddit

A clean cut is not recommended.

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broncosfighton@reddit

Um yes it is. Just thrash the amputated limb after cutting it off your own body.

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yestoness@reddit

The bone will have to go to a medical examiner. They can easily tell the difference between a clean manual cut and something disintegrating in a fire. Even trashing the limb isn't going to hide the fact that at one piece of it you have a perfect ly clean cut, which would be a dead giveaway. All hypothetical of course.

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broncosfighton@reddit

That’s why I said that after cutting the limb clean you would just need to fuck up the end of the amputated arm. You wouldn’t need to cut it any other way. This is such a dumb conversation.

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iburstabean@reddit

???

Just mangle the severed limb afterward..

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yestoness@reddit

Amateur hour

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Phinster1965@reddit

I was going to jokingly accuse you of being Carl Hiaasen, but then I saw your user name, and suspect you might actually be Carl Hiaasen.

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Just_Philosopher_900@reddit

lol

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IndyAndyJones777@reddit

TIE Fighter!

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JeepPilot@reddit

You know something, this does sound exactly like advice that Skink would give someone...

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racquetballjones23@reddit

Excellent reference

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Salty_Gonads@reddit

Thank you for the compliment. I had never heard of Carl Hiaasen before, and I’ll be checking out his work

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doodoo_clown@reddit

For this thread, start with ‘Bad Monkey’.

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Phinster1965@reddit

Read it, then watch the amazing recent adaption with Vince Vaughn!

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chuckedunderthebus@reddit

You're gonna need a body.
I don't think you're gonna get a body.

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anonanon5320@reddit

You don’t need a body. You just need a plausible reason there isn’t a body.

“I went camping in the area the fire consumed.”

A body will most likely prove your story false. There is a lot of identifying evidence left on a body after a fire.

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chuckedunderthebus@reddit

“I went camping in the area the fire consumed.”

For this message to be successful:
a) it was passed on prior to the fires starting or
b) an accomplice is required because the message can't be passed on now

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DrunkLostChild@reddit

So op can't just text people how that he went camping in an area consumed by fires and died?

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chuckedunderthebus@reddit

He would be dead and can't text

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anonanon5320@reddit

Yes. You’d have to not be an idiot and post to Reddit and establish an alibi ahead of time. Doesn’t matter who you tell, just make sure your phone is found with the message.

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dan_dares@reddit

A body would need to be cremated to remove any chance of a DNA test returning anything (bone marrow would likely give a hit.

Plus teeth.

Or tattoos, healed broken bones, etc.

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Notneurotypikal@reddit

Volunteer to join the fight, be vague on the location.

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Worschtifex@reddit

"My body was consumed by the flames!".... Reminds me when we asked grandpa telling his stories wether he survived or did the bear kill him this time...

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LuckyTrashFox@reddit

I’m laughing so hard at the idea of this quote, reminds me of Master Shake

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KatzDeli@reddit

It’s right next to the ocean.

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anonanon5320@reddit

That’s plausible, but they’d spend more time looking for a body in the water vs one in the fire area.

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carthnage_91@reddit

Preferably a body with no teeth too

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13Sandraou@reddit

No stealing, unless it's free stuff!

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cohonka@reddit

Bot

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_Taylor___@reddit

Probably some John Does among the fire victims

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mmmmmmmmmmoist@reddit

I would argue you need more-so a lack of a body, haha.

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An_AnonymousPotato@reddit

I _may_ have a spare body

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Wrangler1007@reddit

If their residence got burned down or they were able to convince someone they got caught in the fire and then just disappeared it probably wouldn't be hard to fake the death, but from there on they'd have to ditch everything they own and use cash or get a really good fake id

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Ok_Data_5768@reddit

rent scuba gear then never return it

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xevaviona@reddit

Why would it be difficult for a resident? Your house doesn’t have to burn down to die in a massive wildfire..

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UnsaltedGL@reddit

'I feel so bad for the folks out in LA, I am going to go see how I can help"

"I am out here and found some older people who really need help, and I am going to stand watch to help protect their home"

"The fire is getting close but I think I can still beat it"

sign off

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Plane_Pea5434@reddit

Cover yourself in that gel they use in movies for when people are set on fire and then just run into the fire in front of witnesses while “accidentally” dropping you wallet containing your ID

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gatorgage11@reddit

Pull some teeth and put them all in one spot in a burnt down house

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111144115415@reddit

Start by not asking.

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sitheandroid@reddit

Simply replicate your DNA by cloning yourself. Then drag your doppelganger into the flames (beware they're probably as strong as you so maybe creep up on them) and bingo! Guaranteed to pass any of those pesky forensic DNA tests the coroner may employ

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Burntoutn3rd@reddit

As weird as this is, I've thought about this. Anyone can clone their skin cells these days with a basic DIY bio setup in their garage.

It won't be long until we see some convoluted criminal case where someone has cloned DNA to leave at the scene to throw authorities off.

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LuementalQueen@reddit

There was an episode of star trek deep space nine about this.

Guy cloned himself and killed the clone to frame the cop in charge due to some previous run ins. Ended up arrested by said cop, because "killing your own clone is still murder."

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Wojtkie@reddit

But that would require clones to have personhood.

Which, if they’re essentially fully self sufficient organisms with equal mental faculties, then yeah they’d have it.

This is a common sci fi trope in sci fi. At what point does a clone or android become “human”? Bladerunner has this as a core theme.

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Bullroarer_Took_@reddit

A clone isn't any less human than a set of biological twins, it's essentially the same result.

Weird argument kind of like saying test tube babies aren't human somehow or that there's even a debate about it

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Wojtkie@reddit

I wasn’t saying they wouldn’t have personhood. But in some sci fi settings they create clones without brains to grow transplantable organs.

Also I wasn’t making any argument lol

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bobbib14@reddit

I would like to subscribe to your you tube channel

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Milkweedhugger@reddit

Or dig up a dead relative and toss a chunk of their body into the fire. Close enough, right?

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machine_logic@reddit

The first step is to post about it on reddit.

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T4ZR@reddit

OP, you got it kinda wrong. Disappearing isn't the hard part. Acquiring a new identity is.

You could simply ditch everything, withdraw your money and go your own way. The hard part comes when you need a job, a driver's license, a cc, file taxes, rent or buy property, go to a hospital, etc. You kno en You will either need to assume someone else's identity or create a new one. Fake IDs are fairly easy to get, but getting an ID that passes any actual checks is what you need to figure out.

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dj_boy-Wonder@reddit

I would suggest your house or vehicle would need to be found burnt out somewhere, ideally with your phone and wallet in it, you’d need to abandon everything, bank accounts, house, you couldn’t really pack, leave all tour shit behind, no large withdrawals leading up to your disappearance, then you’d probably need to skip country or move off grid, cash in hand farm picking job for a year or so, no social media, don’t deal with any of your life affairs, don’t contact anyone you know.

After that you’d probably be best to save enough money to skip the country which will be hard with only a cash job, once you’re in Mexico or wherever, you could open a bank account there because the US law couldn’t detect it.

The bummer is that you’ll never know if it’s worked, you won’t know if your friends or family are looking for you years or decades later. If they are, there’s nothing you can do about it except continue to play dead and hope they’re not running regular checks on your passport

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krkrkrneki@reddit

Take your phone the the are of the fires. Leave it there. Disappear.

Note: you must not use any of your logins anymore. Abandon all your accounts, including bank ones. You need to get as much cash as possible beforehand.

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TheSafeWordIs_Harder@reddit

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude.”

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JackIsColors@reddit

I'll get you a toe by this afternoon

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InglebrapHumperdink@reddit

With green nail polish.

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Fantastic_Mind_1386@reddit

You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?

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KingKookus@reddit

What would you do after your faked death? No social security number, bank accounts, retirement accounts, job or work history.

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Dronemaster-21@reddit

I keep 7 liters of MY blood in case I ever need to do this.

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annihilatress@reddit

Your emphasis on "MY" strikes me as suspicious

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Dronemaster-21@reddit

What good would other dna do for me?

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NotoldyetMaggot@reddit

I need to know more... fuck maybe I don't want to know more... but 7 liters is a lot, the average human has 5 liters in circulation, what is the endgame here? Just pour it out and it will be assumed that you died, and the body was moved? Does blood degrade over time and can that be detected? One more Reddit thread I wish I hadn't replied to...

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WavesRKewl@reddit

When they find 7 liters of your blood they have to assume you’re dead, because no one could survive that. You just have to save it gradually.

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Dronemaster-21@reddit

In case I need to convince the government that I’m ded haha

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NotoldyetMaggot@reddit

Well obviously... for some dumb reason I was asking about the particulars of what you would actually do with it...never mind I dont know nothing lol.

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GaryOak7@reddit

Your first step would be making a false account to ask this question.

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crujiente69@reddit

Drive your cellphone to where the fire will go so the phone pings off of the towers on the way showing a clear direction of the phone. Use a dumb car that wont record gps

Leave the phone to be incinerated or destroy it because even turning it off may cause problems later on.

Disappear

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ru-de-vries@reddit

Leave some type of indication you were in the area and then cruise. Obviously you're gonna need a solid plan - alternative id, alternative travel documents, alternative matching ss#, access to funds outside of conventional banking, change your appearance, create your rock solid backstory, new means of transport, etc, etc, etc.

I knew a guy who left a company involved in a major Ponzi and cruised.

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Puresparx420@reddit

Join a volunteer fire department, go after the most dangerous area and then slip away without your team noticing. GTFO and don’t answer any communications. They’ll have to assume you got injured and lost in the fires. You’ll have to figure out how to start a new life with new identity etc.

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thestrible@reddit

The only good answer!

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Goose4594@reddit

When most of the body is burnt, they usually ID bodies via dental records.

If you want to fake your death, all you have to do is remove all of your teeth and put them in a house in the path of the fire. They’ll find them and assume you dead. You’ll also have a brand spanking new set of denchers.

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silentstorm2008@reddit

Don't use any phone or electronic device anymore. You'd need to get completely new devices paid in cash.

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MrMonkeyMN@reddit

You volunteer to help, buy a plane ticket and hotel room out there.

That gets you on the ground. From there you would leave a “paper trail” detailing what you are doing to help, so sending emails to someone would suffice. One day, stop the trail cold. (Obv make sure there is something deadly happening that day, don’t do this after the fires are out).

Now we get into pseudocide. You abandon your bank account and credit cards. Do not pull out large sums of cash or continue using credit. Abandon any electronics as well. Never use social media again and relocate somewhere secluded so you don’t end up in the background of someone else’s social media posts. You can never contact anyone from your old life. Do not check in on friends or family either directly or indirectly (internet stalking). If you can find a way to pick up an alternate identity, that may be helpful, especially if you are going to enter the workforce, but doing jobs for cash or living off the grid is optimal.

I should also note that pseudocide is hard to do well and most people who attempt it fail by checking in on family and friends or not abandoning electronics.

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beautifulterribleqn@reddit

Rent a car, drive it to a place it will burn in the fires, leave your wallet in it, and walk away. Never use anything from your former life that can leave a paper trail again. If the very last point of data for your existence is renting that car, they'll have nothing else to go on.

The hard part is not fucking up somehow over the next seven years until you're declared legally dead. Can't help you there.

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Dismalward@reddit

Honestly it's easier to just go missing until declared dead than being declared dead by the fires.

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sabrefayne@reddit

Best thing I ever read on Reddit was "everyone who knew me before 9/11 thinks I'm dead"

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Dismalward@reddit

Honestly if you are thinking of faking death then best bet is to go to some backwater country and fake your death there. Quite easy to fake a death certificate at some countries and said countries have some rules on cremation after a period of time body is not claimed.

Then you are in the clear but don't expect to be considered a person in first world countries unless you use some European passport shenanigans.

Like with enough money and know how you can do anything but it's difficult to do the same things in countries like America.

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MaryVenetia@reddit

Write a fake paper journal (or falsify some entries in your existing journal) dated from prior to the fires starting. Mention plans and some vague friends (a romantic interest you met on the train or something with a dumb euphemism that doesn’t identify them in any way, like ‘the rose girl’) with those plans set in an area that you now know to have been absolutely destroyed. Make it a plausible, contemporaneous account of your life. Write a lot of unrelated stuff, too - inane and demonstrably factual, like a reflective entry dated on the anniversary of your grandmother dying or whatever. Make some of it unflattering.

Leave it in your bedside table or similar. Leave it with your passport and a little bit of money to make it seem like you were coming back for it. I’ll be found and read eventually. Make sure you never are.

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zomanda@reddit

I could see if thousands of people had died, but to date there have only been 15.

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PrincessPindy@reddit

When I went to sleep last night, it was only 10. Wtf. I have a bad feeling there will be many more found in the rubble.

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PrincessPindy@reddit

Nevermind it's 19 now. 💔

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kickintheshit@reddit

Now it's 91

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PrincessPindy@reddit

Wait, what??? Holy shit! I might have to stop checking. 💔

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fauxmonkey@reddit

Start by stopping posting on Reddit

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Irishpersonage@reddit

Op about to get a visit from a three-letter agency

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kickintheshit@reddit

UPS?

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Newbionic@reddit

Thank god. My package is here!

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BraileDildo8inches@reddit

Find a homeless person similar height and build, kill them. Rip their teeth out, rip a few of yours out. Deposit their body in the path of the hottest flames with your few teeth.

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sb10_12@reddit

This post will be considered evidence.

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kickintheshit@reddit

And wet know he'll be in Vietnam

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databolix@reddit

By posting about it on reddit.

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Cocoa-nut-Cum@reddit

Rip out your teeth and throw them in a particularly hot fire with your phone and wallet. One conceivably strong enough to disintegrate the rest of you. Then disappear. Just pick a direction and keep going. Never say your name or reach out to anyone you knew. The more miles you cover and less you say the better. Just an ol’ toothless walking mute with no past.

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mycatisgrumpy@reddit

There's no law against letting your friends and family think you're dead. Just move and stay off social media.

If you're trying to fool the IRS or divorce court, that's a whole other issue.

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63Helenei@reddit

No breaking laws, it's a big no-no!

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cohonka@reddit

Bot

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Irishpersonage@reddit

o7

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Secret-Tackle8040@reddit

It's possible to purchase an actualhuman skeleton. If it were found in a burned out car registered to you with your phone and whatever in there I doubt the coroner is gonna spend a ton of time verifying.

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Unusualshrub003@reddit

It’s gonna raise some coroner eyebrows if a perfectly articulated and degreased skeleton is sitting in the driver’s seat.

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ballsofvalyriansteel@reddit

Just declare death like Michael Scott declared bankruptcy.

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LordSethos@reddit

Drop a few teeth

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WerewolfDifferent296@reddit

I think this would be fairly easy since the fire could be presumed to have burned away all the evidence including damaging dna.

The hard part would be living without an identity or in getting a new identity. Any new identity would require identity theft and preplannning.

To fake your death be in a highly dangerous area and send text messages with the location tracker on telling your friends and family that you may have waited too late. Make sure you include a “heartfelt “I love you message to any significant others. Then stomp on the phone to destroy it and throw it in the direction of the fire. Then run for your life and hope you make it. Ideally you will have transportation that can’t be linked to you and have already changed your appearance and have an identity ready to step into. Don’t go anywhere where you might be recognized and stay off the internet and social media for the rest of your life.

This is speculation. The only thing I really know about it came from TV. I do know that the days of getting an id from the graveyard is past. Today you would get caught.

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Artistic_Friend9508@reddit

Dead body similiar in height and same gender then pull all their teeth out, bingo it's now you lol

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throwaway137494@reddit

First of all you'd need to have someone to arrange new identities, passports, ssn for you. Just literally report yourself as missing and wear a disguise. These commenters are absolute morons. Anyway, you'd have to ensure you got a new identity before doing this otherwise you'll just get caught

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DrKenNoisewater3@reddit

“Playing Dead: A Journey Through the World of Death Fraud” by Elizabeth Greenwood is a fun read on faking one’s death. Highly recommended.

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polypole@reddit

Put your phone where it will burn, your last known location will be there.

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Nathan-Stubblefield@reddit

I expect a lot of people chose to disappear in natural disasters. The trick is establishing a new identity in the age of certified documents and secure ID, if you want to work, drive or fly.

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Vegetable_Reward_867@reddit

Pre record yourself live streaming, walking into the fires, led by a mad intent to help; and also look as unprepared as possible, shorts, tank top, flip flops.

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Narpa20@reddit

Swim wants to know

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Ancient_Sea7256@reddit

Buy a big tv and vape.

Look for any yt video about the fire.

Do a live video in fb while walking to the fire in the tv.

Stop the video.

Make a lot of smoke with the vape.

Do another live video lying on grass saying you can't breath amidst the smoke and you're in the woods.

Say your last goodbyes and end it with "I hope you find my body..."

Go to mexico.

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Humble-Kiwi-5272@reddit

You can just skip ahead and go to Mexico

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hectorxander@reddit

I don't really think you can reliably/safely.

Even if you pulled it off, they would probably have kept a piece of dna from the corpse that they can check later. An unidentified body they would definitely run the dna from.

Also you aren't allowed to desecrate corpses and such, so felony if they find out you tried, for that and other things I'm sure. It would be a tough one to explain away after prison to an employer.

You: Oh that ten years with no work experience? I was in prison for desecrating a corpse, and before you ask no I wasn't fucking the corpse the cops are liars, just trying to fake my death for insurance monies.

Job recruiter: But that is exactly what you would say if you were fucking the corpse isn't it?

You: Well yeah but I wasn't.

Job recruiter: We will let you know about the position.

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bigdave41@reddit

So obviously you need to tell them you fucked the corpse, then they'll think that you didn't.

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Graflex01867@reddit

Plot twist : that wasn’t the position the job recruiter was talking about.

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Blue_Prophet@reddit

You already fucked up by posting this question.

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Pkmn_Gold@reddit

At least start without posting this on your main account

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Halfshelter@reddit

Nono, they're asking for a friend

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Pkmn_Gold@reddit

Ahh, ok, let me shut down the FBI case we had going on

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SomchaiTheDog@reddit

Phew that was a close call.

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krlooss@reddit

Lose your teeth, put them there after running them through some fire, next to a metal plate with your name

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H-2-S-O-4@reddit

No one matches corpses to dental records anymore. There have been better ways for YEARS.

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NotoldyetMaggot@reddit

Assuming the person has their dna on record. If they don't then all bets are off. If they don't have dental records or dna then it's a John/Jane Doe. What are these "better ways" you are saying?

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Ineedsomuchsleep170@reddit

They don't need DNA on record. They collect DNA samples of missing people from their families or houses (toothbrushes etc) and compare that to the bodies they find.

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NotoldyetMaggot@reddit

Yeah, IF they even know who the body is in the first place. If they don't know who they are looking for, then they try dental records. It's not that hard...

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hectorxander@reddit

That is real commitment.

Maybe you could hack fake dental records in somewhere to match the donor corpse?

Hi chance of getting caught after the fact no matter which way you go about it if anyone looks at it for whatever reason after the fact with all the dna and other science out there.

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bluffstrider@reddit

I mean, just disappear. Stop all contact with anyone you know, move away, start using a fake name and never post on social media again.

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amprok@reddit

Judging by your security protocols so far I don’t recommend your “friend” goes this route.

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Glittering-Gur5513@reddit

Buy a drivers license from a hobo for $10. Withdraw cash from bank and keep it in a money belt.

Leave a suicide note. Pile your outer clothes and shoes by the beach. Be seen swimming away. Tread water, wait for nightfall, come ashore somewhere discreet like under a pier, begin life under hobo's identity.

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ndanilyan@reddit

You'd have to have records proving that you were in the area and then someone would have to report you missing. Without physical evidence of a dead body, it would be pretty hard but you would at least be on your way to being "presumed" dead which is valid after 7 years

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