Proving food for elderly parents over Christmas is zero participation normal ?

Posted by Cute_Ad_9730@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 19 comments

Ok I've had this for the last four years. Elderly mother 84 but quite capable on cooking herself but can't be bothered anymore. When hungry ready meals, puddings etc are eaten all day long. As soon as Christmas comes around there's nothing in the fridge. I spend £150 on a massive rolled beef sirloin for Christmas lunch. Lovely meal everybody is happy. Christmas evening beef sandwiches. Boxing Day lunch for her is re heated previous Christmas Day lunch prepped for just herself. 27th of December 'is there any beef left over'? Four days over the Christmas period without contributing a single breakfast, lunch, contribution or dinner and just eating leftovers from Christmas Day.

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19 Comments

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ceaselessliquid@reddit

You've had your question answered, but I just wanted to ask what in the fuck this was supposed to mean: > Proving food for elderly parents over Christmas is zero participation normal ?

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AlsatianRye@reddit

She's 84. I imagine she has arthritis as well as other normal aches and pains you aquitre with age. Standing and cooking for even moderate amounts of time may be difficult and painful for her at her age.

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Cute_Ad_9730@reddit (OP)

If you’re able to make yourself a cup of tea you can make two. Love her but she has the terrible combination of lazy and greedy.

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Mindless_Count5562@reddit

Seems like the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree based on this post and your comments

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PatientTailor6273@reddit

I wish my mum was still around so I could have the privilege of cooking for her over Christmas. She spent the early part of her life feeding me, why wouldn’t I want to repay the favour in her twilight years. And, if she’s been eating ready meals all year, I would be at all surprised if she wanted to tuck into some real food.

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Grim_Farts_Barnsley@reddit

Pretty normal. My in-laws are in their late 70s, still living independently but obviously long retired so they're on a fixed income and food isn't getting any cheaper so we help them out where we can. We had them round for Christmas day and Boxing day and sent them off with a big food package of leftovers. It's part of being a social species mate. Parents look after kids when they're too young and helpless to work, kids look after their elderly relatives when they're too old to work. No need to be tight about it.

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Demo_Bec@reddit

At 84 I'd like to think my kids wouldn't mind making me a few meals! It works this way with our nan now, we make sure she's looked after like a princess especially since grandad passed away.

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Cute_Ad_9730@reddit (OP)

The difference is when it’s constant care which is what I’m doing. Yes she’s 84 but has a very active social life and is still driving, socialising etc. I constantly provide basic food options such as stews, roasted meat portions etc but she will just eat it immediately without adding salad/veg etc. old people can also be lazy. Don’t judge me unless you’ve actually cared for someone with early onset dementia. Four years of cooking and care when you have to remind them they haven’t made you a cup of tea in the last six months is pretty depressing.

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Demo_Bec@reddit

So you sprang into being from the get go, able to bash out cups of tea and a Sunday roast for yourself did you? Or did it take a few years until you could even for your own shoelaces, hmm?

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MrPloppyHead@reddit

What, you won’t cook for your 84 year old mum over Christmas? That’s the Christmas spirit right there 🙄. FFS don’t be such a lazy miser.

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Round_Caregiver2380@reddit

Guessing she cooked you at least 50 Christmas dinners. It's your turn.

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BeatificBanana@reddit

This sounds like a conversation you need to be having with her rather than asking strangers on reddit. You need to ask without judgement why she's reluctant to cook - you say she's capable but she's 84. Is she in pain, does she have poor stamina, poor coordination, wobbliness, does she find it hard to stand for long periods, is she experiencing joint stiffness etc, but isn't telling you about it for some reason (doesn't want to worry you)? If there's absolutely nothing physical going on (unlikely at 84, but possible), could she be depressed? Is she lonely - has your dad passed away? Does she have friends, family that visits often? how much social interaction does she get? Does she have hobbies, clubs, fun activities to do on a daily basis? Is her life actually fulfilling or is she just waiting to die and that's why she isn't bothered making proper meals? In your situation, I'd be more concerned about her welfare than resentful that she isn't contributing to the cooking. How many meals did she prepare for you through your childhood, teenage years, young adulthood? Have you come close to matching that number by preparing meals for her in her old age, do you think?

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LochNessMother@reddit

My mum just turned 80 and my father is 78. They are perfectly capable of looking after themselves and cooked a good chunk of the Christmas meal (we always divide the dishes up between us). But…. It was my mums birthday earlier in the month, and she didn’t want to cook, so we, the kids, took care of it and, as well as getting food for the day, I made sure there was enough leftovers to feed them for a couple of days. Because I love them. Your mother has been cooking for herself and others for between 65 and 70 years. Isn’t it time she had a break and you took care of her? It isn’t a sign she’s losing it, it’s a sign she’s prioritising herself. Well done her.

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Moop_the_Loop@reddit

Yeah i totally make a fuss of my elderly relatives at this time of year. I don't think I cooked a Christmas dinner my first 30 years of life! The least I can do is return the favour. My nan is 90 odd and lives independently. I wouldn't expect her to lift a finger!

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PurpleOctopus6789@reddit

At 84, I would be forbidding them to spend any money, I'd take care of everything. I can't imagine a world where I do not want to treat my parents or grandparents, especially when elderly. My nan used to cook for everyone when we were kids, now, we bring food so there's always a lot of food so she doesn't have to do it. She still makes a dish or two of her favourite because she loves it but the financial burden as well as time and energy would be way too much. Hopefully, she'll be still healthy at 84 and I'd be more than happy to pay for everything and more and will not complain a bit. At the end of the day, if you expect to share expenses, you have to discuss that in advance. Noe expect everyone to just know what happens. Also, she raised you, I am sure you've enjoyed many Christmases when you didn't have to do anything. perhaps, it's time to treat her a bit?

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Powerful-Note-3243@reddit

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imminentmailing463@reddit

At 84 yes I'd say it's fairly normal for family to be taking care of someone that age rather than expecting them to be cooking meals for everyone

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TheDawiWhisperer@reddit

Fucking hell I probably won't have been retired long at that age lol the way things are going

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