You may want to forgive your parents for:

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Sorry, but no. I love them because they’re my parents but I am so incredibly fucked up as an adult because of alot of shit they pulled. It’s part of the reason I don’t have nor want to get married or have children of my own.

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CardsAndDiscs@reddit

I may; and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

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Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

My Dad was beat horribly as a child. Never once did he raise his hands in anger. Only twice did he raise his voice, and one of those wasn't even at us.

My mother had a very good childhood with loving and supportive parents. She was a lying, emotionally and psychologically manipulative woman who didn't just scream at and strike us on the regular, she threw china, chairs, and destroyed televisions. She locked us out as it pleased her, and ultimately kicked out my siblings and I as we "aged out" of her ideas and control.

Our parents' own issues aren't an excuse for them being (if they were) abussive assholes. Nor are our issues an excuse to do the same to our kids. We know better, and we have the resources to do better.

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Lensgoggler@reddit

In your case, I'd like to know where did dad stand in all this violence? Did he tried to stop it? If not - why? My dad was very different from his own mother - an overbearing drama queen from hell - but he didn't do anything to protect his family from his horrible mum. He knew. We get along great, he's a cool dude but we've had some very tense arguments about him basically enabling gran.

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Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

The courts gave mom custody when we were kids. (oldest 5, youngest was a newborn. Yay the eighties 🙄). Dad was limited to one evening a week of access. We either didn't know to tell him or were afraid of the consequences of ratting on mom. She had us convinced child services would take us and we'd never see each other or dad again. Yes it's stupid in hindsight, but we didn't have another source telling us otherwise.

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Key-Tell-4345@reddit

Amen

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Synthea1979@reddit

Mine are dead, both around 10 years ago. NC with my mother 10+ years before she died.

I never needed to forgive them, to be free, I needed to feel pity. Once I understood they were weak and I could pity them, it released the need to be angry.

I was "only" neglected though, no really awful abuse. If they had beat on my like they did my oldest siblings (16-18 year difference), it would be different. Ironically, the siblings that did get beat love and miss our parents. 🤷‍♀️

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OrganicAverage1@reddit

I forgave my parents 20 years ago. Tell all that stuff to my step-kid.

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Emergency_Rush_4168@reddit

No thanks

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UpkeepUnicorn@reddit

You may want to, but you are in no way obligated to do so. Nor should you if there is unchanged behavior or ownership of those mistakes.

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Ineedavodka2019@reddit

Forgiveness is for yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to continue an unhealthy relationship.

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TitansFrontRow@reddit

This sounds like it was written by one of those mothers in the "My child ghosted me and it ISNT MY FAULT" subreddits.

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MassOrnament@reddit

I've forgiven the past. It's the present that I can't forgive. They don't get to act like I owe them because I don't. They don't get to use my hard-won ability to own my own mistakes and learn from them, or my equally hard-won ability to regulate my own emotions and handle my relationships. They don't get to claim my success that they didn't contribute to and often actively worked against. I am awesome I SPITE of them, not because of them. And saying that is not the same as holding a grudge, either.

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ObligationJumpy6415@reddit

Same. I can look back at my childhood with adult eyes and see where my parents did the best they could with the tools they had, which weren’t that great because they weren’t given great tools from their parents. I can grok that. But as I saw I was repeating those bad habits I realized I had to do better and spent a couple decades unlearning those things and learning emotional maturity/regulation, etc. I fought for that shit, it’s mine! Meanwhile they’re stuck where they are and hate when I call out their behavior and have complained they have to walk on eggshells around me - no, you just have to act like decent adults.

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hobbes_shot_second@reddit

Nah. I'm good with no contact, thanks.

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SharMarali@reddit

My biggest issue is how staunchly anti-psychology they were when they both so desperately needed therapy. I could understand and forgive being emotionally disregulated, having paranoid delusions, struggling with rage, etc. But when you do those things regularly and refuse to get any kind of help and then openly mock psychology, sorry, I’m all out of sympathy.

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gherbein@reddit

1000%. I love the "therapy is great...for other people" attitude. Or, better yet, "What could you possibly have to talk about with a therapist?" (said my mother to me).

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ObligationJumpy6415@reddit

Mine said something to the effect of “we don’t talk to outside people about our problems” when I suggested she get therapy for her PTSD. She went Christian extremist instead and said that saved her. …at the expense of her relationship w her kids, though.

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BrightAd306@reddit

Therapy doesn’t work unless the person believes in it anyway. A lot of why therapy works is placebo effect and being intentional about bettering yourself. You can’t force someone into it if they don’t think they need it, unfortunately

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12yearsintherapy@reddit

My parents exactly. My mom calls my therapist "that woman."

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Significant-Ring5503@reddit

I forgive them for their faults. But forgiveness =/= reconciliation. They simply are incapable of treating me with basic kindness and respect. I forgive them for that, and I accept it, but they don't get to hurt me anymore.

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Spirited_String_1205@reddit

Yes! All of this. The consequences of one's actions, as it were.

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beaatdrolicus@reddit

Exactly this!

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fenwoods@reddit

Exactly where I land. Nor do they get a chance to hurt my kids.

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aliceinadreamyland@reddit

Yep, me too.

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bcentsale@reddit

Same here.

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alwaus@reddit

My father passed in 2022, i did not go up and see him before he went.

I haven't seen my mother since 1998 and plan on keeping it that way.

People always say "forgive and forget" ill forgive and forget the second the cigarette burn mandala she spent years building on my back starting when i was 4 goes away.

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MassOrnament@reddit

That's awful. I'm sorry your own mother did that to you. Your anger is completely justified.

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DisabledMuse@reddit

My parents were basically kids when they had me (20/21). There was a ridiculous amount of intergenerational trauma and mental illness on my mom's side stacked with poverty. And my dad's side had it's fair share of problems. Honestly, for two high school dropouts raising a curious and brilliant neurodivergent kid, they could have done a hell of a lot worse.

No one is going to be perfect. And there are things that we will all do wrong. As a closeted queer kid growing up it was a really tough time. There was a lot of homophobia that I had to deal with "for my own good:.

I could.feel bad for myself, but I feel worse knowing the amazing things my parents could have accomplished if they hadn't been dealing with their own trauma. My mom was brilliant. She could have been a CEO if she wasn't forced to raise three kids.

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handmemyknitting@reddit

You can forgive past mistakes, but you don't need to condone a continued pattern of behaviour. When you know better, you do better. Many of our parents generation refuse to learn and grow.

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Intelligent_Flow2572@reddit

This is it right here. I’ve gone very low contact with my mother and was no contact for six months because her toxic behavior patterns continue, not because of shit that happened 30 years ago.

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crewchiefguy@reddit

Exactly this. My mom would not change even simple things in her old age even when sown how silly they were to hold on to.

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PopsiclesForChickens@reddit

Yep. My parents pretty much ghosted me and my family last year when I was diagnosed with cancer. Came back around after I went into remission. All I really wanted from my parents was an apology for not being there for us. Instead all I get is that it's my fault for pushing them away.

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electric-poptart@reddit

My parents did this to me too when I was sick. They made excuse after excuse of why they couldn't come and visit, even though they were informed in no uncertain terms that I was not expected to survive. I still have a relationship with them, but I will never trust them again.

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drixxel@reddit

I was almost bedbound for a while and on disability for 2.5 years (I’m still not 100%). My parents never offered to visit or offered financial help. My MIL asked if we needed money every time we spoke on the phone, visited when I was very ill, and another time with my FIL. I feel the same.

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elphaba00@reddit

My problem is that my parents - my mom especially - will double down on what they think they know ... but it's all wrong. At least grow and learn, and they don't.

I got an earful a few weeks ago because they found out the money they gave my husband and me for a vacation (which might have covered a couple nights at the hotel but not the flight there) went into my eTrade account. My mom thinks the stock market is practically the devil. Oh, I'm sorry if I took the gift you gave me and then tried to make some additional money off it instead of letting it just sit in a bank account for some piss-poor amount of interest.

I got an earful today because we have a band concert with my son tonight. My parents have such time blindness. They will show up five minutes before and then get angry because there are no seats. She said it happened only one time. No, it is continued behavior. Graduations, concerts, and even my wedding rehearsal. She will then argue that she doesn't want to sit and wait. I told her not to be a toddler. I finally told her that the concert starts at 6:30. It's really at 7.

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fubo@reddit

The only excuse for showing up early is if you're helping set up.

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BrightAd306@reddit

Only to a private party

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iheartsufjan@reddit

My mom is time blind too, or as I like to call it "extremely rude". I lie to her about the time things are too.

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MassOrnament@reddit

Whoa, lots of us with time blindness work hard at not subjecting other people to it. Can we find another word or phrase for people who don't actually care if they're late but still expect people to accommodate them?

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iheartsufjan@reddit

My two options for getting to school were get on the bus at 5:45 am, almost 2 full hours before school started, or get up at a more reasonable time and have my mom take me to school. She made me late every goddamn day. I got a full letter grade off in my freshman year first semester because of her time blindness. I got up at 4:45 am instead until I could drive myself. If I had gotten an A, I also would have had straight As for all of high school. I'm still fucking pissed.

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DarthLuke669@reddit

This exactly. It’s never too late to make changes. Our parents generation makes it very difficult to forgive due their stubbornness

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Scrambled_Creature@reddit

Sadly I have friends who justify these past mistakes as reasons why it's okay for them to keep perpetuating it. Never learn and it becomes a vicious cycle.

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Shortbus_Playboy@reddit

This. One hundred percent this.

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CardsAndDiscs@reddit

Potentially; all but the 5th sentence.

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bloomsday289@reddit

My parents weren't perfect, but I tend to give them some leeway. My grandparents, all of them, were absolute basketcases. I can't imaging being raises by my grandparents.

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GlitteryFab@reddit

I have forgiven a lot. But I haven’t forgotten and it is why I keep my mother at arms length.

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Mediocre-Magazine-30@reddit

My greatest regret is going no contact with my abusive mother. I thought I was protecting myself. No, I was selfish. I would do anything to go back and say I love you to her.

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NotMyPornAccount80@reddit

As a poor middle child of 5 and second son who was physically and emotionally abused by my parents for years, I walked away shortly after I moved out at 18. I speak with them occasionally with surface level chat and occasionally visit for family gatherings. Keeping it surface level works for me. It took me years of therapy to let go of the seething hate I had and accept that I cannot expect them to do more than they are capable of.

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shutterslappens@reddit

When it comes to forgiving your parents for whatever they may have done, I think Marc Maron nailed it and said it best.

Also, doing your best ends when you finish high school. If you have unresolved trauma, it’s your responsibility to work on it, not to take it out on your kids.

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Punkinpry427@reddit

Forgiveness comes with redemption

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EternalSunshineClem@reddit

As someone whose parents both abused me and did serious damage to me emotionally - yeah, fuck that.

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JFW1979@reddit

It depends. I think for growth and healing it’s important to find love and feel gratitude where you can. It’s also ok to realize that if they refuse or are incapable of escaping toxic behaviors, it’s ok to set and enforce boundaries. This isn’t done in a way or the intent to punish them for their failings, but to really allow you to love them the best you can.

This has been my approach and experience with my parents as they’ve aged and as I’ve taken control of my own mental health and happiness. Of course all of our parents are different and have their own challenges…

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CaligoAccedito@reddit

I can understand all that, and I can accept it. But they'll never apologize and, without apology, there's not a chance of forgiveness. Without improvement, there's no moving on.

I can pity them, but the things they did to me in many cases really aren't forgivable by any sane standards.

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va2wv2va@reddit

Exactly

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Correct-Ad8693@reddit

Also completely justified: blocking their number and never speaking again.

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Spirited_String_1205@reddit

Get out of here with your platitudes and toxic positivity. Being an adult means getting to come to terms with whatever your lived experience was, accepting your mistakes and also learning from them and doing better the next time the opportunity arises. If your parent(s) are emotionally immature people with no capacity for self reflection or growth, no capacity to acknowledge that they made mistakes/might do something differently if they could, and no ability to understand how their actions affected others - fuck 'em. They have taken no lessons from their lived experiences. You can 'forgive' for your own peace of mind if you just want to put it behind you and move on - but you don't owe people who haven't treated you with basic courtesy a damn thing. It's not my responsibility to ease the minds of others who have caused myself and others pain and suffering.

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Diligent-Resist8271@reddit

I have already done this. I am very lucky my dad (older boomer '48) is like, weirdly teachable. Probably not the best way to word it but in the last 5-10 years he's just been really open about all the things my daughters are learning and going through and when my 13 year old and I (44) were diagnosed with ADHD last year he listened and learned and supported us. We all even speculate if he's the ADHder or my mom was (she passed 10 years ago)? He's been open about his experiences and despite being the head of his counties Republican party in the 70's, he has been voting blue for the last 2 elections because what happens to me and the girls and my husband is important to him. When he mentions how he grew up with this or that OR without this or that, he is receptive to the conversation about what's changed and he acknowledges the differences. I count myself lucky.

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Mannytheman101@reddit

Mu mom lied about me having leukemia to get money. She lied about having a master's degree. She lied about having cancer. She lied about being robbed. She lied about being pregnant from my dad trying making him stay. Idk what else. She has never admitted anything. She never will. She wrecked my ability to trust, even to fully trust my wife. I don't hate her. All of this is in the past.

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mom_bombadill@reddit

Yep. Done all of that. My mom made huge mistakes. But my love for her is stronger now than ever.

It’s actually amazing how much better our relationship is now that I’m mature enough to Let. Things. Go.

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requiem_whore@reddit

Becoming a parent and realizing that I had already passed on some of the generational trauma to my kids was eye opening. It started a conversation, especially with my eldest kid, about what I had passed on to them and how I wanted to help them recover earlier than I did. My perspective on my parents turned from anger to compassion, and I am the better for it.

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sambashare@reddit

My mom almost certainly had an undiagnosed and untreated mental disorder. She could've gotten help if she needed it, but never did. I don't know if it were lack of awareness or shame, but I'm sure it negatively affected us growing up. There are so many things I look back on and go "oh my God, those were symptoms!"

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ipsumdeiamoamasamat@reddit

I’ve tried to be better about this. I was bitter about my parents (low skilled, little education, physical and mental disabilities) putting me in the situation they did. I’m accepting they did the best they could. But it still stings at times.

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Inevitable-Role7151@reddit

I have no forgiveness for people who actively hate me.

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OutlawJuicyWhales@reddit

ok boomer

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cmgww@reddit

I have long since forgiven my parents for not being perfect. And they still have their issues today, both are retired and live comfortably but we have to practically beg for them to take my sons for a weekend. My in-laws on the other hand actively ask for them. That being said, I just stopped asking my parents and they will get the hint. And to be fair, lately they have been better about it.

They were not perfect when I was growing up, but my dad wasn’t a drinker, in fact I think I saw him drunk one time. We never kept alcohol in the house. My mom was overly emotional and would guilt trip us at times, but overall she was a good mom. My dad worked hard and showed up for every event we had. Even when I was riding the bench in high school football, he would be there if my mom couldn’t make it. He was part of the support parent team when I was in marching band, and he was our head coach and my brother and I swam in high school.

I legitimately feel bad for everyone on here who has had a horrible childhood and still has trauma from it. I too have some issues I still deal with, mainly overthinking and becoming overly anxious any time I make a mistake at work…. That stems from my father who could get pretty angry at times. But he never beat us. Just a lot of yelling… and to be fair they were young parents. I turned 45 today and I have a five-year-old youngest son. When my dad was 45 I was already in college. So I have a little more perspective raising kids at an older age than they did.

One thing I won’t do is bitch and moan on Reddit about how terrible my parents were. Because mostly they weren’t, and I don’t like to wallow in self-pity and the misery of others. Not judging, that’s just not my thing.

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TransportationOk657@reddit

My parents have their faults, but overall, they've been very supportive and loving. My dad's biggest fault during my childhood was that he worked A LOT, usually 80+ hours a week (often working 6 days a week - sometimes 7- and coming home late at night). He also worked out of town for weeks and months at a time throughout the year. The trade-off was that we had a comfortable living growing up.

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Trbochckn@reddit

I'm trying ... Have been for years.

My first reactions is still 'fuck em'

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Adrasteia-One@reddit

I'm working through some issues regarding this very thing. Deep down, I want to blame them for several of my own bad qualities, but I realize now that no one is responsible for how I am now but me.

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tuwts@reddit

Get off this sub, Mom.

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OrdinarySubstance491@reddit

I forgive them. I even forgive my step dad. But I think some of the things they did, any idiot would know not to do that. I don't understand perpetuating the same problems you were raised with. That's not doing the best you can.

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tweakin_casually@reddit

I had to forgive in order to advance in my own healing. Forgiveness doesn't mean it's okay, doesn't mean it didn't hurt, doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. It simply means you don't hold it against someone anymore. My mom was hurt and sick, she did the best she could

Now the pieces of shit that caused me to develop BPD and DID? There's no forgiveness and I hope the afterlife is real so I can hunt them down and torment them for eternity

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DonnyBoyCane@reddit

The most selfish generation doesn't deserve this level of grace.

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Ok_Egg_471@reddit

Nah

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Mammoth_Ad_4806@reddit

Nope. They did not do the best they could; they did the best they felt like doing.

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nojoblazybum@reddit

Garbage take. Not one of those things is a valid excuse. I, personally, am making the effort to break cycles. And you know what? It’s not that hard to just genuinely love your children and respect them as the individual human beings they are.

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Reasonable-Wave8093@reddit

Yup

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Asimovs_5th_Law@reddit

While it might be helpful for some to contextualize their parents' behavior through OP's lens, this might also minimize real trauma experienced as a result. Just a friendly reminder that you do NOT have to forgive your abusers, no contact is a valid response to abuse, and please don't judge each other for choices regarding complex relationships with parents/caregivers. We're the generation with the most cycle-breakers, so we can all celebrate that, while accepting that not everyone can forgive their parents/caregivers for patterns of abuse. 💚

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bcentsale@reddit

There will be zero forgiveness for the years of physical abuse, bruises and black eyes, then enlisting friends and family and the priest to lie to the authorities to cover it up, only to switch to less-easily identified emotional abuse, all while presenting themselves as the victims of evil me. I left their house on my 18th birthday, commuting from 2 towns away for the end of senior year. I still tried for 20 years to maintain a relationship because that's what a good son does, and I wanted to set an example for my own kids, only to endure more aggravation before I physically couldn't take any more with snapping. They can bugger right on off.

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NW_Forester@reddit

My mom was born in 1953 in the US. Her house didn't have running water until 1964 and her dad died in 1965. Her mom (my grandma) was severely abused by her father (my great grandfather) due to her lymphedema which caused her to have "elephant legs" which he thought made my grandma basically his slave, because no man would ever marry her because she was so ugly (this is what her dad told her from like age 10 on).

My mom is a piece of work. She has severe anxiety that has never been addressed and tries to share that anxiety with my brother and I. I have had to set a lot of boundaries and it probably took 35 years, but I was finally able to forgive her for not being the perfect mom with no trauma or issues of her own to work through.

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