ULPT Request: Neighbor from hell, want gone. How to piss them off into moving

Posted by 3lbsofwatermelon@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 49 comments

Hi all,

I (30F) have a neighbor from HELL. A dad and a son live next door, but the son is my issue. He spends his entire day/night in the backyard smoking weed, talking loud, coughing up a storm, and is just overall obnoxious. The dad lived there by himself before I bought my house. I feel for the dad because he has to put up with him and they fight ALL the time. Like ALL of the time.

It wasn’t an issue until I had my son, 4mo, and is a light sleeper. Dude is becoming a nuisance and louder than he used to.

I don’t want to break the law or get the cops called on me but what are some huge inconveniences that will push them to want to leave? Without the obvious picture that I did it.

Thanks! lol

[-]

zendrovia@reddit

stoners are naturally paranoid of that and would love to be told so they can be more considerate going forward

[-]

My_Clandestine_Grave@reddit

It's always been funny to me that stoners are both super paranoid and completely oblivious.

My current neighbors are a couple of loud, entitled stoners who deal drugs. They also had a nasty habit of keeping tabs on my family. Once I figured these things out I decided to fight fire with fire. I started doing any thing I could to make them think they were being watched. I set up cameras, which pissed them off so much they complained to my landlord. I'd stand by a lighted window when they were outside so they could see my silhouette. I'd pull the blinds down and make eye contact with them. I'd loudly talk about how half the neighborhood had reported them to the police. This was especially awesome because (1)it was true and (2) a cop started hanging around in an area where he could see into their backyard. It took less than a month for them to put up a privacy fence and start minding their own business...well...as much as they can.

Despite all this, they would still stand next to my driveway or in their backyard and talk about dealing. They are two of the dumbest people I've ever met.

[-]

zendrovia@reddit

lmfao

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

I don’t think he’s a normal stoner. He’s actually crazy. Lol

[-]

zendrovia@reddit

even easier!

[-]

FilthyDogsCunt@reddit

You're mad about someone smoking weed and talking in their garden?

Sounds like it's you that's the neighbour from hell.

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

The reason is not the weed or talking. It’s during unnecessary hours from 10p-2am. Idgaf what they do during the day, but omg it’s like I also can’t sleep? Bc OMG I also have a job? But no no no! I’m the bad guy.

Thanks!!

[-]

jamoe1@reddit

No. The coughing loudly from the weed is waking up her baby. The guy being a loud dick while smoking weed is the problem. Screaming yelling and hanging out acting crazy af.

[-]

FilthyDogsCunt@reddit

You don't get to control what other people do in their garden because you have a baby. Op should get better soundproofing

And if a neighbour coughing is waking the baby, the baby crying is probably waking the neighbours too.

[-]

jamoe1@reddit

A loud neighbor waking up your baby is what this sub is designed for. Go somewhere else.

[-]

FilthyDogsCunt@reddit

No, it's not.

[-]

breadmakerquaker@reddit

Everyone has had some really good ideas. Mine is more…unkind? When he is outside and acting a fool, wait for the wind to blow in his direction and spritz a little pepper spray. He won’t know what the fuck is going on, just that he needs to go inside to get away from the burning.

[-]

ButtersStuck@reddit

Fly a drone overhead frequently

[-]

OmnivorLately@reddit

You should really start smoking weed. You’d mind your business more

[-]

RalphZombieKiller@reddit

I'm surprised no one has said this yet, but sleep with the dad. Make him think you're his girlfriend. Then seduce the son and start a secret affair. Then when the "guilt" eats away at you, confess to the dad that you've been sleeping with his son. He'll be out on his ear in no time.

That's when you tell the dad that you're just not that into him anymore.

As an added bonus, when word gets around, all the local middle aged men will start fantasising about you. No wait, that's not really a bonus...

[-]

Prize_Assumption4624@reddit

Freeze some urine into a disc shape with the help of a plate or a dvd case, a piss disc if you will

Post them to him and throw them around their garden

[-]

Stunning_Run_7354@reddit

Is smoking weed legal there? The obvious path is to get him onto law enforcement radar and let them hassle him. (They are professionals).

Less invasive is to install a camera that looks into the neighbors yard. Make it obvious so he notices it, but don’t talk about it. The lack of confirmation will help with his paranoia and confusion.

You can call welfare checks for his dad. Tell the cops that you heard yelling and haven’t seen the old man since.

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

Unfortunately, yes. Weed is legal here. Not bad for the state but bad for my situation lol.

That’s helpful! Thank you!! I honestly am worried about the old man because last time I saw him, he had a head bandage for a few weeks and he never leaves the house.

[-]

Stunning_Run_7354@reddit

Some states have started to have elder abuse laws and police teams. There is a fine line between being a concerned neighbor and an annoying problem, but if there’s a real chance that he’s hurting the old man I think it’s actually ethical to call it in.

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

I’m definitely going to look into this. Outside of annoyance, you brought up a good point that I never looked at. When he came home from the military, he damn near broke the window with a baseball bat bc the dad wouldn’t open the door. (Video proof from my doorbell that I saved)

[-]

nafyillhp@reddit

Wait, hold up .. He is a vet? Can you find out if he has seen active duty? Many of them come back shells of human beings. Understand, if he saw active duty... He may have seen things or done things he can't live with.

Seeing people turned into fine red mist does that. Ask other vets for help on Reddit... You will have an army of guys before you know it.

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

I don’t think he was in long enough to witness active duty. I have 3 military family members so I definitely understand the sensitivity.

During a police visit, he told them he was discharged out of boot camp. Didn’t say why.

[-]

nafyillhp@reddit

Lol, well... Call some actual vets and they will mop the floor with him.

[-]

earth_west_420@reddit

Knowingly making false reports to the police is a crime. Granted that it fits the unethical theme, but going to jail isnt going to help OP.

[-]

earth_west_420@reddit

Okay, hear me out... not to go against the whole point of this sub or anything, but I mean... have you tried actually talking to this kid? And like, actually be nice to him? Like dont even confront him immediately. Bring him some snacks or something mom-like, be the cool neighbor. Get his guard down, gain his respect. THEN talk to him about keeping it down. It sounds like he doesnt have a lot of friends and is probably nursing that pot addiction to keep himself numb from the crippling loneliness of having no friends and a dad he hates/hates him and a mom whos not in the picture. I'm not saying the kid DESERVES your sympathy, he doesn't, but sometimes the real pro tip is that it's better to be kind than to be right.

Alternatively: buy a megaphone, sneak outside while hes stoned, find a clip of police making a bust, and play "POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" over the megaphone, right before you wanna put your baby down for naptime/bedtime. And also three or four other times a day at random intervals.

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

LOL I appreciate this so much, bc my first instinct was to talk to him until he went ape shit on his dad. He’s an oddball and a night owl so it’s difficult to catch him when he’s outside and “free” from his backyard but I’ll give it a shot next time I’m out there so I can just make nice.

He genuinely is nice and harmless. I think sometimes when he and dad get into it, he turns into a different person.

[-]

earth_west_420@reddit

Boys and their dads.

But also he has mommy issues. If you're good you can use that to your advantage.

And also also, if hes making all this noise at night, you can get the cops in on that action

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

Yeah for sure. His mom stops by here and there, I think she is tired of him too bc she’s very short with him on the phone.

During my maternity leave, I could hear the conversations :(

I’m def going to play the cop card if I can’t reach a soft spot in his heart

[-]

earth_west_420@reddit

Love it. Embrace the motherness of you, the gentle nurturer, the kind caregiver...and also the patient lioness, stalking the tall grass with one eye on her cub and one eye on their next meal...

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

….im scared but hell ya

[-]

fwoomer@reddit

I had a similar neighbor. It took too many years, but I just waited it out until the dad died and the meth-using kid couldn’t pay the mortgage.

A nice quiet couple lives there now.

[-]

partyfavor@reddit

So .. kill the dad??

[-]

viau83@reddit

Throw meth over the fence and call walter white.

[-]

Bravisimo@reddit

Tuco.

[-]

Diamond83@reddit

Asides from the let the kid smoke his weed and soundproof baby room a little better… what you came here to hear is nuke you own backyard with piss disks and liquid ass

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

I don’t think smell upsets him. 2 weeks ago, he hauled 4 bags of trash from the backyard into the front. I witnessed it on my ring camera.

The soundproof part may work but my room has an obnoxiously large window that is roughly 96” long so I fear soundproofing only works a little.. FWIW, we have a sound machine that helps my son sometimes. It just depends on his mood too. We have a master / sun room combo that works better for us before we move the baby into another room. My son sleeps in the sun room and he’s loud enough to hear it on the opposite end.

[-]

Diamond83@reddit

The window is the part that needs the sound proofing tbh, a double layer, slightly heavy curtain will do the job…. Now for the important topic…. Sir you must not know the true power of liquid ass… just give it a try

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

I have big ass curtains. 4 panels. Can you actually add more??? Bc I’ll pay it and do it lol

[-]

Diamond83@reddit

I mean cloth ones on the inside of the window, you can open them during the day but the extra double layer will diffuse sound that cokes thru the glass

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

Ah! Gotcha! That’s a great tip. I’m gonna do that, thank you!

[-]

nafyillhp@reddit

Get blackout curtains... Kid will sleep better. Just open and close them every day at the same time so you don't screw up the sleep rhythm . Get heavy ones... Now it's the time of year .. get giftcards at discount to pay for them.

[-]

Diamond83@reddit

Wtf this is ulpt I meant to say is full a sprinkler with liquid ass and leave it on at night time

[-]

IdubdubI@reddit

Ask the cops to park on your street because “speeders.”

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

OMG this is amazing! I didn’t know you can do this

[-]

3lbsofwatermelon@reddit (OP)

I’m literally a mom, I want to annoy him. Not unalive him. What kind of balls should I get? In an open carry, stand your ground state? Just curious.

[-]

Loose-Brother4718@reddit

Every time you leave home, play Baby Shark on repeat, just loud enough.