Lucky you.

It's long.

First, it's set in 1997 days as a prelude. Then the prelude continues.

Then, finally it goes to the past. Woohoo! But blue balls: they're not on the boat. Not even close to getting on the boat.

Then the get ready to board the fucking Titanic. Then they continue to prepare to board. It takes a while.

Eventually, they get on the boat. Great, except the boat is still docked and remains docked for a good while.

At one point way too long into the movie, the boat gets moving. Boats are not that great to look at, since they move slowly in one direction with nothing else around it.

At this point, you're kind of pissed because basically nothing happened and it's almost half the movie. Ridiculous romance happens, stuck up people being rich assholes on top, poor cheery people on lower decks. No one of them have anything to do with the Titanic, they're just on it, their background story meaningless to the plot of a boat sinking. The story is laughably weak.

So the boat just moves across the ocean, people are on it and absolutely nothing of any interest happened so far. Kate Winslet tits are flashed. Where the hell is that iceberg FFS?

Well, it's about to hit the boat. Eventually. You look at the screen and you think to yourself I'm ready for the boat to hit that iceberg right now.

The boat still moves straight ahead. More generic rich poor clash, but like in a very poorly written young adult style of storytelling.

So now fog, iceberg spotted, and there finally the collision. Great you think that's why we're here right, watching Titanic. What's next?

Well, the ship is now damaged. So it's gonna take water. But it does very slowly. It looks like there are not enough lifeboats for all the people, blablabla...

Numb, you look at people running in freezing water. How can they not get weak and blue and go in hypothermia? It doesn't make sense! You what else doesn't make sense? The boat no even looking close to sinking. But you made it this far so screw it, I'll watch the end.

But man, the end is very far down the road. Isn't the boat supposed to break in two and sink? Yes, but not yet. The boat has to be filled up some more. And rich assholes have to be more flagrantly assholes.

Then the boat eventually breaks in two parts but it's not sinking yet. Very slowly, it appears to look like the boat will sink. Eventually... It's getting close to sinking. And at one point, it finally does. Kate Winslet floats on a door, Leo is in the water, has been wet for more than an hour is clinging to the door and then he dies.

Wow, you say to yourself, I'm sure glad it's finally over. But it's not over. There is an epilogue. Back in 1997. Yes, back to the part that sucked even more than you remember. It's sucked even more because on top of being stupid and lame, what the old lady does makes even less sense that everything you have seen so far. There are no words to describe or incredibly stupid and bad and lame and a waste of your life that movie was when she throws it in the ocean.

Celine Dion. It's over. The best part is that Titanic song. Specifically because Dion recorded it once and that's what made it in the movie. Dion is not an artist I find all that interesting, but her vocals are truly masterful and impressive. I mean just one take and it's in the soundtrack. Epic and legendary. Dislike her music if you must, but there is no denying she's a terrific singer. I was given a ticket to one of her shows years ago and she's one of the best there is on stage. Her version of L'hymne à l'amour at the Paris Olympics is proof she's an absolute glorious vocalist.

So why? Why did it make so much money? The answer is sustained arousal. Women flocked to see Leo DiCaprio. Not gay men, because gay men like men. Women. If you left the theater to take a pee break, you walk back in and the smell of warm yeast was noticeable. You know those huge fans brought in to dry a base after a flood? Theater rented them all do dry the seats each night. Some women actually fainted of dehydration, because they were oozing wetness being aroused for 3 hours straight.

I don't recommend it. It's terrible. A movie with a weak ass lame story can't be a good movie.