Are we having tough conversations with our parents?
Posted by PickleFlavordPopcorn@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 296 comments
My 80 year old aunt texted me this morning to alert me that my 74 year old father is overweight, which he has been for a few years now, and seemingly encouraging me to sit down and talk with him about this. He's had a heart attack before and is mildly diabetic.
I do not know when this role reversal happened and I am at a loss for what the hell my responsibilities are. He's slowing down for sure, but still active and cognitively able. He doesn't drink or smoke. Twinkie's and ice cream are his last vice. I'm 41 but in many ways I'm still a kid in his eyes and he would just as soon listen to my advice than take sky diving lessons.
Is this my role now? Is it what's expected of me? To hover and parent my parents? Is it my job to prevent his Untimely Death by Cinnamon Roll if that is what he chooses from his own sound mind?
smokeandmirrors1983@reddit
If your parents are anything like mine, they’d give you some remarks about “I’m old, and I’m going out how I’m going out.”
Assuming they’re competent, they’re grown ass adults. I’m never ever ever going to get them to change anything. YMMV.
Fitslikea6@reddit
I’m a critical care np- yep they say this. BUT- when they get a life limiting diagnosis - that would normally be terminal, they don’t just go out how they go out, they refuse to accept it and they will do the most insane science project body torturing things to fight death and then complain about how medicine is killing them. They expect transplants and dialysis to keep them living and playing pickleball 500 miles away from the closest hospital. Nowadays it takes 20 years of misery to die instead of 1. Guess who pays for it? Their kids yayyy! To answer op yes we are. I built a private house on my property so I can care for my parents. My mom’s prognosis is extremely poor but she refuses to talk about advance care planning.
Relevant-Soup-2794@reddit
This was my dad… diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and refused his diagnosis until the end. It made it super difficult for everyone.
mottledmussel@reddit
Did you run into any issues with zoning? I think that's going to be the best option for my mother. Basically turning a detached garage off the alley into a little cottage that shares a backyard. But reading about Auxiliary Dwelling Units and setbacks are really making my head spin. I don't even know where to start.
Snoo-45487@reddit
I’m a palliative care nurse and go facilitate advance care planning discussions. Sometimes these discussions happen the HOUR or day(s) before they end up needing a ventilator or dialysis. Sometimes I think we don’t educate them enough on the meaning of “allow natural death” and some people actually tell me they believe it’s a SIN to refuse dialysis, a vent, CPR…it’s crazy to me! I have always wondered why the elderly religious people don’t want to go to their perfect beautiful afterlife asap
cataholicsanonymous@reddit
This is exactly right. My FIL has had two heart attacks and both hips replaced, and he's about 100lbs overweight, all in his belly. The man will do anything his doctors tell him to do, except of course change his diet. So now my poor MIL gets to chase him in and out of the hospital for the past 10 years, and we will all be very devastated but not surprised in the slightest when he finally does pass.
mottledmussel@reddit
My Mom was like that. Then she fell, spent two days on the floor and is now living on a pullout couch in my mudroom as we desperately figure out options on her $1,700/month social security check. That's assuming she can ever live independently again, which at this point seems doubtful.
HorrorHorse4990@reddit
Look into assisted living, but have her write a will and put everything into a trust good luck. You can also use home health aides until the time comes that they need assisted living.
AncientAngle0@reddit
My parents are in their mid-70’s, probably have 5 years or less each given their health issues. Granted I’m not the golden child of the family, but I suggested they sell their 5 bedroom house they don’t need and we combine our resources and purchase a house together where they can live their final days at home and spend time with their grandchildren that they claim they never get to see. The youngest is 6, the rest are teens, so no, they would not be forced to spend all their free time babysitting. I also work from home 4 days a week, so could be right there if they had an emergency.
The one caveat is they would need to move closer to us vs us moving closer to them because I don’t want to make my kids change school districts and my husband works in person.
So because they don’t want to move 1 hour away from their current home, they will keep their 5 bedroom house and have limited help with anything.
mottledmussel@reddit
That's rough. I'm sure selling the house could also fund a really nice in-law suite if they fear giving up autonomy.
Pooling resources also means they'd get the mental stimulation from regular (normal, non-medical) human interaction and you could intervene before someone breaks a hip or the house turns into something out of hoarders. It's also a lot easier for shuffling them to doctor's appointments or visiting at the hospital if something bad happens if they aren't hours away.
I'm sure you already know all that. I've just been doing a massive post-mortem of poor decisions my siblings, myself, and my mother have made over the past 5 years.
AncientAngle0@reddit
Yes, these are all discussions that we have had. And their house is not too far off from being on an episode of hoarders, minus the trash, just clutter from 50 years of stuff.
Traditional-Bee-5078@reddit
Same here with my parent. Got too sick to live alone anymore.
Turned the garage into an extra bedroom. Plenty of space to add any amenity or handicap equipment needed. Had the added bonus of getting full access to said social security money 👍
mottledmussel@reddit
That's basically what we're looking at. Either an addition on our house or doing something with the detached garage. It's overwhelming.
ugajeremy@reddit
That's mine.
"Don't you dare let me live as a vegetable" is the only ask so far.
diamondgreene@reddit
After my MIl suffered with end of life healthcare for a year, I told my dad if he wanted to die peacefully in his own bed that he better quit smoking. To my amazement, he did.
ugajeremy@reddit
That's wonderful! Smoking is hard for a lot of people, good for him!
Proxiimity@reddit
"then don't turn yourself into one and eat a few every once and a while" would be my response.
Sithstress1@reddit
In*
SecondBackupSandwich@reddit
Damn. That’s what I hear as well (which I agree with for myself).
-Plantibodies-@reddit
But assuming you have a good relationship with your father, it doesn't hurt to try.
VaselineHabits@reddit
Eh, I had a good relationship with my dad and one of the last things I said to him was, "Please don't take your health for granted in your 60s like I did in my 30s" (I had had Guillen-Barre and the Covid Vaccine was a topic of contention)
He basically said he was going to do what the fuck he wanted, he was in his 60s and earned being an ignorant man. Then he had a major stroke while driving alone in another state... it's been almost 3 years since then and my father can't speak, barely walks, and it seems he just cries all day.
So... I guess we don't really argue about health and Covid anymore 😕
Snoo-45487@reddit
Did he at least make an advance directive so you don’t have to decide his quality of life for him?
-Plantibodies-@reddit
I'm sorry that occurred. It sounds like you're projecting from your own experience onto OP's father and assuming the same outcome will occur.
VaselineHabits@reddit
Sure, like others assume OP's father would welcome some advise from their kid.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Who is assuming that? The point is that trying is showing care for his father. Nobody is assuming it'd be successful.
smokeandmirrors1983@reddit
Agreed. I have a good relationship with my parents, and it didn’t hurt to try.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Do these people just have antagonistic relationships with their parents? Pretty strange to me.
smokeandmirrors1983@reddit
Maybe. The fact that I have a good relationship with my parents doesn’t change how stubborn they are, though. They don’t even want to hear that shit from anyone, including their own progeny.
Slim_Margins1999@reddit
Yes. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents but they do t give a fuck what I have to say. About them continuing to buy trinkets and decorations and crap. Eating like shit. Not exercising enough. Any attempt at talking becomes about me somehow and denial/shrugging it off by them. Neat to just shut the fuck up and leave them be.
SecondBackupSandwich@reddit
“I’m old! Leave me alone!”
SecondBackupSandwich@reddit
(Especially their “kid”)
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Sure, but I suspect many of these people would have regrets later in life for not even bothering to try to encourage one of their parents if they died prematurely of preventable disease.
ElleWinter@reddit
Oh yeah, sure. Because he doesn't already know he's overweight. A good talking to will cure anyone. 😂
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Why is encouraging someone who you presumably care about a bad thing?
ElleWinter@reddit
Because everyone who is overweight already knows they are overweight and either they care a ton and are having a horrible time trying to lose it, or they don't care. So a good talking to is not helpful, and can be incredibly hurtful and discouraging. The kind of people that think like you crack me up.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
But seeing one's loved ones show they care DOES encourage and help some people. Isn't this just a self fulfilling prophecy? And where's the harm in trying?
ElleWinter@reddit
Yeah, maybe someone needs to have a talk with you about other people not needing your advice. Nah, it won't help.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
This post is literally OP asking for input. I understand that you disagree with me. Why is my stance that encouragement can't hurt so objectionable to you?
TheFractalPotato@reddit
Because many of us have the type of parents where children were “seen and not heard,” and even as adults, our opinions or “encouragement” as you said, are mocked/ignored by our boomer parents.
“When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.”
“Don’t you tell me how to live my life, I’ve made it this far, haven’t I?!?’ Etc.
ElleWinter@reddit
If I didn't explain it to you already, I certainly can't do any better. If you don't understand that an "Encouraging Talk About What is Wrong With You" hurts people's feelings and doesn't help at all, I don't know how else to say it.
ElleWinter@reddit
I seriously can't believe someone could possibly be this clueless. You are trolling me. OK you win haha.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
My friend I'm just having a conversation with you. I don't understand where this hostility comes from.
ElleWinter@reddit
The hostility comes from a childhood full of your type of encouraging talks when I was within the normal weight range on the high side, and now I've had an eating disorder for 35 years and no amount of therapy or medicine or rehab will keep it at bay. People like you absolutely suck with your shortsightedness.
emmadilemma@reddit
I married a guy ten years older than me and my dad was a young dad so it’s fascinating what my dad will do based on my husband’s advice. He’s the “adult” and it’s amazing.
cataholicsanonymous@reddit
Okay but this is a legitimate strategy to influence people: leveraging your network. Glad your dad will listen to somebody!
emmadilemma@reddit
I’ll take the wins I can get!
ofTHEbattle@reddit
Ain't that the truth, my dad's smoking is killing him and he won't give it it, add that to an aneurysm he had a few years ago... Even if he wanted to quit, 30 minutes after he said he would he will forget and light up a cigarette.
Traditional-Jicama54@reddit
Yep. My uncle needs a heart valve replacement. His argument is that everyone he knows that had it done died within a year of the surgery. (He knows like three people that died, and at least one of them, the death was not related to the surgery.) My mom (his sister) and the rest of the family are after him to do it. So I'm the only one he'll talk to about it because he knows I won't hound him. He's a competent adult, he knows what he wants. If he doesn't want major heart surgery, I'm not going to nag him. He's always had my back, I've got his on this one.
SecondBackupSandwich@reddit
That’s what I get…
FunksGroove@reddit
Yep. I had to parent both parents for a while there. Both passed away though a couple years back.
Nearby_Ad_7009@reddit
Mine absolutely refuse/deny
SnooOwls9193@reddit
Just tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
jw071@reddit
My 74 year-old mother is a walking disaster area. She won’t clean, she’ll let vegetables dry on the counter and think it’s OK just spray with bug spray and go on, looks like a hoarders episode, I came home from out of state spent a week shoveling garbage out of her basement like two dozen bags, at least half a dozen loads of clothes and she got mad about it too much in both her bedroom and my grandmother’s old bedroom to put anything up… and all she has to say is why am I doing this and why don’t I leave? My father’s house is falling into decay because my mother hasn’t lifted a finger since his death is 2006. I called social services and all they care that she pays her bills.
Fucking boomers
Rogue_Gona@reddit
I'm 42, the healthiest by far in my family and my father would just as soon kiss a Wookie than take any sort of fitness or nutrition advice from me. Because, like you, my parents still view me as a child and not a grown-ass adult who's done pretty damn well taking care of herself for decades now. Far better than they have.
I've stopped trying to give them advice, unless they specifically ask for it. They're never going to change so I refuse to waste my time, energy, and breath anymore on them.
Rude_Cartographer934@reddit
I had a BIG turning point a few years ago in this. I'd assume my parents had it together in terms of retirement/ old age planning, because they generally are good planners.
Then my friends' parents started downsizing, which prompted me to ask if my parents had thought about it and....nope. on some magical day when they can finally admit they're too old for their enormous 3- story family home, they will simply decide to move and wave a wand, and land..... somewhere else. They're not sure where. But they pay for long- term care insurance so they're all set. No, they don't know which communities accept their policy. Nope, they're not on any waitlists. They do not know how long such a waitlist might be.
A week later my mom called me with news. They now have a timeline for moving out. In 3-4 years. Still no idea where to. facepalm
elphaba00@reddit
My parents are in their 70s. They do not have a will or any estate planning. They're saying that I'm an only child and that it all comes to me. They also do not have any plans for what should happen when they die. I don't know what they want done. Those are my tough conversations.
It came up yesterday because my parents have a college savings plan for my kids. My name is not mentioned anywhere. I only know the first name of the advisor running the fund. My mom: "Well, [my kids' names] are on the paperwork." Yeah, good plan. A preteen girl and a barely legal adult boy. They'll know what to do.
xargos32@reddit
If you're in the US the lack of a will can make things messy even if you're the only child. It means having to go through probate which takes time and money. This stuff isn't fun to think about, but they really should.
LeftyLu07@reddit
Yup. My MIL didn't file out the paperwork she had to submit her will and make my husband the executor. His sister is losing her mind because MIL had a house that her boyfriend is now squatting in and no one can do anything because we can't afford the attorneys fees to file probate and evict him.
seacookie89@reddit
Not sure if it differs by state but my family is starting the probate process and the attorney fees are taken out from the estate at the end, the only thing we're paying now is the court filing fee.
LeftyLu07@reddit
Attorneys in her county wanted a $2500 retainer up front.
xargos32@reddit
Ouch! I'm sorry you're stuck with that situation.
SquirrelyMcNutz@reddit
Especially can be messy if the parents have any living siblings or nieces/nephews that would be more than willing to contest anything.
MommaOfManyCats@reddit
Please talk to them. My dad swore up and down that he had everything in place after my mom passed and even told us where all the paperwork was. Turned out it was just the deed to their plots and the receipt for where he paid for his cremation. Nothing else, no passwords and no will. The bank took our family home, and his bank account is still in limbo years later because he didn't designate a beneficiary. It would have cost more to open probate than the estate was worth when he passed. It still sucks.
sinbadxj@reddit
My mother passed. It is a royal pain taking care of getting things transferred without a will. Took close to a year between grief and depression to get it all taken care of. See if they'll at least put something in writing and sign or do a basic will on one of those websites that can create a will for you for a fee if they don't feel like getting to see an estate lawyer. Will save time and energy you probably won't have if grieving.
gyrlonfilm6@reddit
Please ask your parents to write down what you are getting and have a notary stamp and sign it. I explicitly told my dad to sign a document that I do not want a share of my grandmother's house that was left to him and his siblings. They squabble over the house, taxes, yard work, and now my cousins get involved. I want no part of that and am willingly giving up my share to avoid issues with my cousins, who I would end up sharing the house with. Also, suddenly, family you never heard of come out of the woodwork wanting a share.
NovelPepper8443@reddit
My 84 year old mom has the same mindset that her kids will take care of everything. We told her that she will go to a state run nursing home if she can no longer care for herself and refuses to move out of her home to live closer to one of her kids. I believe that she doesn't realize that we're serious.
dietitianmama@reddit
there are rules for different types of college savings. you might be able to control the accounts for them until its time to use them
EmbarrassedMonk6613@reddit
My dad died last year at 75. He was overweight too. He mostly ate healthy adjacent but did enjoy doughnut sticks every now and then. If your dad is anything like mine, he's going to do what he wants with the time he has left. After my dad had a quad bypass a few years ago, I knew there wasn't a lot of time left. So I didn't spend it trying to lecture him. If you guys are close, spend the time talking to him about his life. Learn all the stories you can.
MaybeSwedish@reddit
Yes. About values, votes, fears, beauty in the world. We need to talk to our parents and not avoid deep convos (if the parents are capable). That is how we can change the world.
CSWorldChamp@reddit
I am so done with my parents’ entire generation.
My mother’s a gullible fool, who is beginning to believe every conspiracy theory she’s confronted with. My daughter’s autistic, and my mom is constantly seeking religious solutions, and implying it’s because we’re not pious enough. She can’t handle money, and I’m constantly having to bail her out. She can’t make ends meet, and she still insists on tithing to her parish. She’s like ‘God will provide,’ and I’m like, that’s not God, it’s me, and unlike God, I don’t have unlimited money.
My father in-law is an emotionally and physically abusive narcissist, who’s been terrorizing his wife and daughters longer than I’ve known him. He only gets nastier as he gets more and more angry and desperate about aging. His constant abuse finally gave my mother-in-law a nervous breakdown a few years ago, and since then her memory has been going. He’s been using that as an excuse to essentially keep her a prisoner in her own home. He won’t let drive, or have her ID, or phone. She can only contact her family while he’s supervising to make sure she doesn’t say anything about him. He calls her an idiot and tells her he’s going to put her in a home (She is not that far gone). She’s an alcoholic (and I can’t really blame her), and it’s sad to see how totally cowed she’s become.
Like… they all just suck. My dad died when I was 15. Sometimes I think he might have kept my Mom sane, and other times I’m glad I didn’t have to see whatever monster he was going to turn into, like all baby boomers seem to do.
ElleAnn42@reddit
I've been telling my dad to quit smoking since I was 7. He now has COPD. He'll probably be that guy who unhooks the oxygen long enough to finish a cigarette.
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
My dad smoked with the oxygen on.
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
Scary!
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
Yeah, he’s dead.
(Cancer, not explosion)
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
I am sorry to hear that. That sounds terrifying for the whole family. I know someone whose mother did die of an explosion doing just that. I honestly had no words when she told me the news.
Ineedavodka2019@reddit
Thank you. I’m sorry that happened to your friends mom. It is scary.
Enso_Herewe_Go@reddit
You can give asvice but I wouldnt do a heart to heart. That wont work. All these people answering saying they have rooms and building for their parents. God bless you. You could not pay me to look after the elderly (or anyone really) parents or not. We'll, maybe I'd help but, in my personal space, in my own home? It's literally the only thing I have that gives me dignity and peace. Which I guess is how parents who don't want to leave home feel. So I get it. I'd rather die horribly that live in a spare bedroom. Most cant understand that, but I can. It would suck, but once I'm dead who cares. Anyone who cares, that's a them problem. Kinda like kids who worry about parents who (actually) don't want help. It's a them problem. P S: and don't help parents who decline help and then beg for it. They are adults who made a choice. Treating them like a baby is not helping anyone.
GotWood2024@reddit
You can't stop them from eating what they want or saying what they want. I don't buy food for my mom. She orders all of her food from a delivery service. It works out well so far. I don't even look at what she eats. She has her own fridge and freezer. She has her own cooking area. I made a small apartment for her in the lower level of my house with her own exit. I'm not her parent and I'm not a nurse. She's 70y/o overweight and can't stand for more than 3 minutes.
I told her if she can't wipe or shower or clean up after herself, its time to go where the professionals can see you through to the end. And don't be mean to the nurses. It's that simple.
fakehalo@reddit
I'm 43 and both my parents are dead, one from a heart attack last year, the other from cancer 20 years ago...
Neither was Twinkie related, don't waste your time attempting to control what you can't, it's not your job to micromanage someone else's quality of life if they're not asking for your input.
No-Analysis2815@reddit
You can either step in and help or make sure he has life insurance and preplan his funeral.
Overweight, diabetic, slow and eats junk are a bad combo.
Intelligent-Stage165@reddit
Universe likes life. It encourages people to have way too many kids, And makes them suffer in the most unforseen ways if they don't. Then it puts you in a country where unhealthy living is paired with very expensive healthcare. All so you can have kids ... to live through the same situation. For you to get old, and waste any monetary legacy on your own health or your kid(s) irresponsibilities. Then it forces you to starve through "hospice" because who do you ask to inject you with insulin when you live in a nursing home and your kids hate you. Universe likes life.
Not_the_Tachi@reddit
Not quite in my case yet, but I could see this happening for my dad if my mom suddenly wasn’t around. He used to be a force of nature, but when he retired he started getting less sharp mentally (even though he was in his early fifties when he retired).
Unfortunately, I live across the world in Europe while they’re in the US, which makes things much harder. Fortunately my sister is still quite close to them, so that definitely helps.
kid_sleepy@reddit
My father had a stroke 12 years ago. He’s in a nursing home now after years of taking care of him. He’s 80.
My mum is 77, I take care of her currently. She can’t do anything by herself other than sometimes walk up and down stairs. I have to empty her portable toilet because she refuses to go to the bathroom just a few feet away.
Dazzling-Score-107@reddit
74.8 is the average male life expectancy in the US. It’s okay, just let him be how he wants. It’s not your responsibility. Thank him for the good times, try to forgive him for the bad times. Learn from his mistakes.
ketamineburner@reddit
Nah, it's never occurred to me that this is my role. I want my parents to mind their business so I mind mine.
knotalady@reddit
Yes. My dad asked me for a loan over a year ago. My husband and I wanted to know why and when he told me I realized how bad their financial situation was. Back in the 2005-ish, my mom wanted to run her own flower shop, but no bank would approve a loan. But my mom believed that her desire to move forward anyway was the voice of God. So they kept looking until they found a bank to approve them and had to put their home up as collateral to fund their business venture. A few months in, my mom realized she was in over her head and urged my dad to help her. So, my dad quit his very secure job as a welder (which he was already 20 years in, and well on his way to retirement) to help my mom run her business. About one year in, the economy tanked, and my parents had to close shop. My mom got retail jobs and arranged flowers for weddings under the table until she developed severe anxiety from perimenopause and had to stop working. They continued to pay the smallest amount they could to keep from defaulting on the loan. My father went back to welding but never had the job security he had before, and his old employer wouldn't take him back. Over the next several years, he took job after job after job, sometimes working 2 to keep them afloat. My father quit his job about 2 years ago, following an injury, instead of waiting to be fired. Because he cares too much about the company that didn't give enough shits about him to give him full-time hours. So he couldn't collect unemployment. Once he took care of the injury, he couldn't find another job because no one wanted to hire a 60 year old. They spent the next 2 years dipping into saving to pay for it until it was completely depleted. My brother and I had to have a very hard conversation with both our parents about finances. I provided a list of resources for aging adults in their local area. We offered to help them get back on their feet by selling their home and taking what's left after paying the loan to get them into a smaller place. My dad got angry, said he's paying off the loan himself and refused to sell his house. I explained he's not paying it off by paying the bare minimum, he's only paying interest, he didn't believe me. He told us we needed to stay out of it, got super defensive, and told us he didn't need our help after all. He calmed a bit and then said he understood and appreciated the help. Soon after, he got a part-time job as a bus driver and is now saying everything is great. We know that nothing has changed, but he refuses to let us help anymore.
Growing up, I thought my parents had it all figured out. But seeing them as an adult myself has been an education in the trappings of religion, pride, and stubbornness. He knows he needs help but believes that he shouldn't ask for it. Meanwhile, they spend a large chuck of their money on a loan they will never make a dent in.
538_Jean@reddit
Our parent's generation never listened to us and always knew better.
I'm not investing much time in changing their mind. Its a fool's errand.
aSeKsiMeEmaW@reddit
Mind on my have gotten worse with age and refuse to plan anything that would make their lives and my lives easier when the time comes, they will be leaving behind a hoarded McMansion I hope burns down
-pffft@reddit
I feel this so much. My parents are leaving my siblings and I their hoarded McMansion as well. It already feels like such a burden and it's made me feel very resentful.
macarenamobster@reddit
I have informed my mother I will not even be opening the two giant self storages she rents that are full of trash. She doesn’t believe me. I am completely serious lol. There is nothing in there worth going through her hoard.
aSeKsiMeEmaW@reddit
My mom was bitching about money one day (she’s faaaaar from poor) Ive struggled catching up in life cuz I graduated into the 2008 recession. I worked multiple jobs 7 days a week to scrap by for over a decade. She was whining about not being able to remodel her kitchen for the 4th time in 10 years because she had some unexpected home repairs
I told her to sell her 3 garages full of unopened hallmark ornaments going all the way back to the 70s. She said she’s leave them to me and really thought she was saying something generous and significant 😂. And that I should kiss the ring. I said the $100k you spent on them invested over decades would have been valuable so I could buy a house and have kids….not a pile of junk I’ll have to pay someone to haul away after youre dead. She didn’t talk to me for 6 moths because I was “rude and ungrateful” This was years ago since then She’s added all the new ornaments each year and filled a bedroom with more of that crap.
The lead eating Boomers are fucking nuts
Snoo-45487@reddit
I seriously throw away or give away every single item that I won’t use. I think it’s a coping mechanism after seeing my mom’s mountains of useless junk collecting all the dust
Snoo-45487@reddit
My mom just told me yesterday that she has a half finished crochet project that she’s been hanging onto for 40 freaking YEARS! I told her she should take it apart and give the yarn to someone if she doesn’t want to finish it or throw it away. She replied that I should do that when she passes away! I was like GTFO I am absolutely not going to even entertain the idea of doing that. It’s going in the TRASH. Like why would I care more about this half finished project than you do? It doesn’t make ANY sense to me. She is turning into a hoarder. A couple of years ago my sister had to get a dumpster over there to clean out so much stuff. We had no idea how dense her junk was squirreled away, it was awful how she crammed so much stuff into her 2 bedroom apartment
Hot_Flan1220@reddit
My Mum is determined to kill herself with COPD and cigarettes.
So I bought an End-of-Life planner for her to make sure the admin was all squared away.
I mean, I still get to watch her slowly suffocate, but at least now I know where her will is.🙄
Snoo-45487@reddit
This is brilliant! I just saw these kits on Etsy last week
Torchness9@reddit
This is such a great point. They still always think they know better! My dad still calls me and my husband “kids”. Like, “hello kids.” We’re both over 40.
Lemmy_Axe_U_Sumphin@reddit
Our parents never figured out how to transition from a parent child relationship to an adult adult relationship. It’s sad.
Torchness9@reddit
My dad did not. My mom did, though! She’s done a great job of it. Not perfect, but great.
VicdorFriggin@reddit
Tell me about it. My mom is TERRIFIED of developing Alzheimer's like my grandma. She paid over a grand out of pocket for the blood test. When it came back slightly elevated, indicating she has a higher chance of developing Alzheimer's, I told her that finding that out was great. Now she has extra motivation to eat healthy, exercise mentally and physically. ... Response? Well they're working on new medication. I'll just wait for that.... 😮💨🤦🏻♀️
macarenamobster@reddit
There’s a blood test? How old do you have to be?
diqholebrownsimpson@reddit
Now she "knows" her future health so why bother trying.
Slim_Margins1999@reddit
This is the answer. I have a great relationship with my parents but they are stubborn as fuck and set in their ways. It turns back on me and my imperfections anytime I try to bring up anything.
Educational_Web_764@reddit
I get this so much. In August, I was hospitalized with bradycardia. I was on the phone with my Mom and she was bragging about how well her cholesterol levels are and says that she owes it to drinking everyday. I told her some doctors consider alcohol poison and that it should definitely not be consumed everyday according to them. She got so defensive and was like, I am not the one in the hospital, now am I? My health issues have nothing to do with alcohol or drugs. I have freaking cancer and was super malnourished because I couldn’t eat anything which lead to bradycardia. Every time I open up to her about anything, it comes back in my face at a later date so I quit trying. And if she wants to drink everyday, that is her choice. I just tell myself I probably won’t be around long enough to see her dig her grave with her lifestyle choices anyway.
Bubbly_Let_6891@reddit
This is my experience as well. It changed when my dad experienced a life-changing health scare. Then he was very open to receiving support from his kids. Our intervention came at the right time, helping him to recuperate independence and quality of life so he could stay at home. I think my pushing to have those other big talks that come with aging primed the idea that I was the one to call when he was freaking out.
Now we are “partners” in his life management. I’m still his kid, but he treats me like his business consultant more often than not. He wants my input. That was a huge change.
LuisMataPop@reddit
To be fair, it's always been this way. Generationally, those over 40-50 not only believe but know that they are better in many ways. It changes from person to person and it's not even a generality, but it's usually a majority. Even on this sub, I've seen people commenting on how much better they are than genz.
smalltownveggiemom@reddit
This is how I feel. My parents have never and will never listen to me
CalgaryChris77@reddit
Been that way for decades for me. Had to take over my in-laws finances 19 years ago, and had to treat them like kids for a long time.
PapaDuckD@reddit
This is very relationship and person dependent.
My wife and I just got done taking care of my mother - she passed 3 weeks ago. She had a medical rap sheet that went on and on. She was diabetic and had associated neuropathy, pulmonary hypertension, congestive heart failure, and the list goes on.
That woman refused to hear a god damned word either my wife or I tried to tell her. She did not want assistance or guidance to living her remaining time as well as she could. She did not want people leading in good faith to her benefit and support. She wanted servants to do her bidding. And we were the lucky ones who got to play that part in her final 2 years.
It is fair to say that she ruined the relationship we enjoyed for the first 42 or so years of my life.
But I hold my head high. I tried to do the right thing at every turn. I acted as a fiduciary to someone who was far more concerned about the financial well being of my sibling than the people caring for her in very sanguine ways. My wife is an absolute god damned saint for the way she cared for my mother with love and patience that my mother certainly didn’t earn with her on good days and actively fought tooth and nail against on bad days.
Yes, it’s all fresh and I’m still pissed off. I was raised better than that - to treat people the way she treated us and, separately, to allow anyone to treat myself or, worse, the love of my life that poorly.
My only advice is this: You need to do what you need to do to hold your head high. Do not compromise whatever set of values you have towards life, aging, and death. Do not allow a parent to cause you regret in the process of their dying or their death. Because you will out live them and you’ll need to carry the burden of this process with you for the remainder of your years.
There are no right answers. And if you can internalize that, it liberates you to act the way that’s best for you.
Working with the hospice nurses over the last two years, elderly folks who acknowledge the situation they are in and who are respectful of their family get taken care of much better than those who fail either or both those checks. Unfortunately, there’s a lot more in the second camp.
All of them - and us in our own time - will die. And the sun continues to rise and those who are left behind continue on as we’ve done for millennia.
_KeenObserver@reddit
This was a gem to read. Thank you.
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
You are an excellent writer on top of giving stellar advice. Kudos and thank you.
SarahBear81@reddit
I tried to have a tough conversation with one of them.
My mom blamed everything on me and my spouse and now we don't speak.
shortshifted78@reddit
Yeah I tried. It didn't go well.
I have a younger sibling with a disability. They can't live on their own, so they still live with my parents, both in their 70's. My mother had a mini stroke 5 years ago, but seems to have fully recovered.
I finally feel like I have things set in my life and my wife and I planned to take on care of my younger sibling. Except we kinda need my parents to put together a legal plan to do this. So I attempted to talk to my parents about this and my mother had such a meltdown/panic about it, it stressed out my younger sibling to the point they developed shingles. All because it makes my mother think about her mortality.
smokiechick@reddit
Seems like I lucked out. My mom is a retired RN. She knows all about her health, what she should be doing, and is really involved in her own care. She had a stent put in in 2019 and officially retired Feb of 2020. She's been living with us for 12 years - economics were the impetus, but when my husband and I bought a house, we made sure it was a ranch and the big bedroom had an en suite. I'm hoping that keeping her busy with the kids' bullshit will keep her brain busy and her slightly physical. Her mom had dementia at the end and it started in earnest when she stopped socializing. And Dad and I haven't spoken in years, so...
sleepydogmom@reddit
Honestly, it is getting to be the time for tough conversations; however, this isn't it. If your dad is still cognitively with it, then he already knows what he should and shouldn't do. Your aunt is being a busy body.
"All that's holding me together is butter and bacon." - My Dad, after I chastised him for eating so much butter (who passed 10 years ago from sepsis, after living as a T1 diabetic for more than 50 years, surviving multiple heart attacks, organ transplants, a few mini-strokes, some brain bleeds, skin cancer, and was mostly blind for the last twenty years of his life. He was 59).
DenialNode@reddit
My dad has had several heart attacks. No interest giving up drinking or smoking. He is going to live his life how he wants. More power to him. I ain’t stopping him.
Besides. After 75 or 80. What are you holding on to? Mic dropping at 80 after loving your life how you want is a good strategy.
I’m not sure “live as long as possible” is a goal for me either. I take care of myself. I eat clean and work out etc etc. but i don’t care to live long if the living ain’t good.
Being 90 and shitting your pants and but remembering who your family is is no way to live.
classless_classic@reddit
*Role reversal
You’re implying they gave any advice and didn’t just make sure we came home once a week and that was something edible in the cupboards.
AdelleDeWitt@reddit
My dad's living facility asked me to talk to him about a sudden increase in forgetfulness, since it's often a sign of a UTI. I explained that and suggested he go to the doctor. He then called his sister very upset. He thought that a urinary tract infection was erectile dysfunction and was upset that I was up on his business about it
micholob@reddit
my father is 67 and fairly obese. When he said something about my own weight loss success he said he would like to lose some weight but his excuse was "at this age there just isn't much you can do. The weight doesn't come off like it does when you're young". I said I know some tricks if he wanted to hear them and left it at that. I think he just doesn't want to do the work. Casey's donuts are his nails in the coffin. I'm not planning on pushing the issue. If he decides he wants to do it and wants my input I'll give it to him but he's on his own until then.
Mean-Bandicoot-2767@reddit
My mom is 89. She lives with one of my sisters and all of us go over and see her at least once per week. She doesn't have the best relationship with the sister she lives with and she's losing more ability to go do things in her advanced age.
We've been trying to convince her to consider an independent living situation so she can socialize more, have better access to transportation, and can stop being in a place where both her and my sister aren't at loggerheads all the time. (In fairness to my sister, mom listens to conservative crap all the time and is becoming difficult to talk to these days].
She won't do it, so there she sits way out in the toolies relying on all of us to take her places and bring her food and clean up after her.
Thank God for my father in law who is about the same age, had some health scares and moved to an independent living apartment of his own volition Now he complains if there aren't any activities preplanned for the day and he has to decide which friends he's gonna do stuff with.
Odd-Perception7812@reddit
Trying to help a parent is hard. I'd recommend just worming your way into their world. Being forceful will hit with defensiveness. Just be there. Put the time in. I didn't do this, and it's too late now.
discountheat@reddit
He'll let you know if he needs help. You can always check in with him about finances or if he wants you to go along to a doctor's appointment. But people age at their own rate. Be thankful he's still independent.
Humphalumpy@reddit
I'm still trying to have hard conversations with myself about my own fitness, haha.
Musicbath@reddit
I'm currently 68, I'm healthy, and I take care of myself, but I've already had quite enough of staying in the lines. I can completely see myself at 80, saying scew it I'm having whatever I want. At some point, we must be free to scribble outside the lines just for fun.
On_my_last_spoon@reddit
Were you in my therapy appointment today? Because my entire appointment was talking about dealing with my mom!
Katybugfoster@reddit
I keep telling mine they need to get hearing aids. It has fallen on deaf ears.
But seriously, my mom especially is in denial.
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
Lol at “it has fallen on deaf ears.”
tigerman29@reddit
I’d stop talking to them until they got them. Until then, they can text me. I bet they would get them in a few weeks.
Katybugfoster@reddit
You are vastly overestimating their ability to use a smart phone.
gummi-demilo@reddit
That’s the same “vice” my late grandfather had after he quit drinking. It still beats the alternative.
I was on my mom to quit drinking for years and she finally did it this year. It was her decision, not mine.
AppropriateDream2903@reddit
My mom told us “if I’m in a coma, pull the plug.” She had stage 4 lung cancer which had metastasized. So, we pulled the plug. My dad’s wife is only 6 years older than me. He’s her problem.
macarenamobster@reddit
The only tough conversations I have with my parents are about money when they literally run out and come asking for it from me. That goes about as well as you can expect. My financial assistance is conditional on them sitting down and making a budget with me to see where their spending is going currently and I might as well have said I was going to run them down with a steamroller with how much of an ass my mother has been about it.
So no, I sure as shit am not talking to them about their weight unless they ask.
Sharticus123@reddit
Shit, let him enjoy the few things left to enjoy. He’s not going to get younger. I’m planning on developing a heroin addiction when I’m in my 80s.
What would I have to lose at that point?
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
I have a friend who was in her seventies and learned she had terminal cancer and not much time. She decided to revisit her cocaine days from the 80s. Her motto was “high til I die!”
ChristineInTheKitchn@reddit
Right? My feeling is, if I make it to 80, then I'm 100% going to start smoking again. And try cocaine. Fuck it, what is it gonna do, kill me? I'm half dead at that point anyway, might as well enjoy what time's left!
hadmeatwoof@reddit
For real. No interest in prolonging things just so I get the joy of experiencing further and further decline and lack of independence.
goat_penis_souffle@reddit
Same. Wake me up when it actually cuts into quality time.
magic_crouton@reddit
I'm taking up smoking again if I live that long.
Dad3mass@reddit
I have had this discussion with my therapist several times. As long as they are cognitively sound, you have no responsibility to make them do anything, no matter how frustrating they are being. My mother is making all sorts of decisions which could potentially kill her. She has doctors who tell her this, who she ignores. She is a grown adult and if something happens, sad as it is, it’s on her, not me.
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
I literally had to check if I wrote this earlier and had forgotten. This is me and my mom.
SamHandwichX@reddit
No. He is an adult and can take care of himself. It would be a different story if cognitive decline were on the table.
A grown ass man doesn't need you to start mothering him, and I'm sure his endocrinologist mentions it when his diabetes appointments come up. Let the man make his own decisions.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
They aren't talking about controlling their father. They're talking about simply having a conversation with him encouraging him to get healthier because they care about him.
Jesus I hope you don't show such a lack of regard for your friends and family.
Historical_Stuff1643@reddit
It's overstepping.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
That's an unfortunate and unloving dynamic you must have (had) with your father. I'm sorry if that's the case.
AbroadCommercial5947@reddit
Dude, let it go.
fidgetypenguin123@reddit
Are you forgetting what sub you're in right now? And I take you're here because you are in that same age range? People here aren't "very young" and confrontation might want to be avoided by any age group. I mean look at the aunt in this situation. She's 80 and she's the one originally avoiding the confrontation that she brought up. We have no idea also what the aunts version of good weight is. Older generations tend to have skewed thoughts on that from their own criticisms they faced.
I'll tell you this, once people get to a certain age, you're lucky to have them at all. My mom died in 2020 at the age of 73. It was from an infection in her lungs that spread. I'd love for her to be around to eat sweets everyday for the rest of her life if she wanted. Her dad lived until almost 90 having eaten ice cream everyday of his life since like the age of 60. He died from complications of Alzheimer's. My own dad is 76. He's the one that worries about his own weight even though it's not that bad for someone his age. He does however eat coffee cake everyday and maybe one other thing. We do tell him he should eat other things, but he correlates eating other things with weight gain. He's been told he had a weight problem since he was a kid so he has issues surrounding it (and it of course transferred over to my sister and I as criticism which created more issues). At this point, I'm just glad he's here able to eat that coffee cake like he wants and I wish my mom could too.
Maybe passed a certain age we just want them to have happiness as well especially if they don't have much else going on, because you never know how much time they have anyway and that can be for any reason at their ages.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
"Young" is a mentality and not just a biological age. And tbh I just skimmed your comment because it just seems like a lot of effort to avoid acknowledging that encouraging loved ones should generally be...well encouraged.
Jem-The-Misfit@reddit
Respectfully, as someone who just came from the hospital taking care of their dying mom, nobody is interested in your particular take on their situation. It’s not your business to insert your opinion here. If you have nothing helpful to say, refrain from commenting. I will remove any further comments of yours like this.
uwu_mewtwo@reddit
Encouraging people to have tough conversations with their parents doesn't seem out of line in a post titled "Are we having tough conversations with our parents?". Every comment in this chain is aimed at answering the question OP asked.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
I'm literally encouraging people to talk to their parents. I'm sorry for your situation, but how is me arguing that people should at least try to encourage their family to be healthier in any way worse than people arguing that no, they shouldn't?
It's not my business? OP is asking for input. Again I'm sorry for your situation, but this seems quite off.
Traditional-Lunch464@reddit
I can 100% promise you that people who are overweight are fully aware that they’re overweight.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Yes and? What does that have to do with encouraging someone?
uwu_mewtwo@reddit
When I was a stupid young person, my parents told me to not do stupid self-destructive shit even knowing that I wouldn't listen until I learned the hard way. I can see those warnings were an expression of love and I appreciate having received them. Well, the shoe is on the other foot now. I know full well that when I tell my dad not to clean his own gutters that he's just going to fucking do it anyway. If he falls off his ladder and gets injured or dies, at least he'll do it knowing I care about him and was looking out for him.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Exactly. I don't know why these people are so self interested and cynical about this.
VaselineHabits@reddit
Most of us in this sub are in their 40s though and I'm not afraid of confrontation, but my dad would absolutely tell me to fuck off before he had a major stroke if I tried to say anything about how he chose to live his life.
Well, then he had a major stroke and I feel like he is certainly paying the price for his ignorance.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
I understand your perspective. I'd just prefer to at least know I tried. This seems like a self fulfilling defeatism that people here are conveying.
Maanzacorian@reddit
it's not, and framing it as some moral failing that "young people" have is ridiculous.
Ninja-Panda86@reddit
Well step one: what is her head space? Ask her what she would do if she were you. Gives you insight. It's possible she is scared and wants to talk to someone and doesn't know how to say "I need to vent".
Step two: is to ask what she thinks this will do. Still about here. But your emotionally leaving her orbit. This is the beginning of that transition.
Step three. Sleep on it
Always.... Always sleep on it. Trust me.
Step four: assess from there
Waste-Reflection-235@reddit
My parents are in their mid-late seventies and for years I’d tell them to go to the doctors regularly. They don’t think much of me being a kid anymore now that I’m a parent myself but it occasionally happens. I just ignore them and keep nagging them on the doctor thing. It wasn’t til a few years ago both my parents had a medical emergency within days of each other and I think then it finally sunk in. they have regular doctors visits and taking care of themselves. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way right? The irony.
xtransqueer@reddit
My mom passed from cancer couple years back, last living adult relative on my side is living with me. We had a scare this last month, and involved getting a pacemaker. We had already had the chat, and almost executed it, she pulled through again.
Be open, it’s necessary. And start setting aside funds to cover expenses.
AdFinancial8924@reddit
If he’s cognitively fit then nothing you can do or say will change anything. He has to make up his own mind and if he was anything like my dad he’s not going to let his kids make his decisions. He always said “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” I did have conversations with him about how I noticed his weight had made him slow down a bit and did he notice. And he insisted it didn’t bother him. Actually he may feel more comfortable having the conversation with a sibling than his kids. My dad always opened up to my aunt more. We never knew how he was struggling with stress and depression until she told us.
He’s already had a heart attack so he knows the consequences. That should have been a wake up call. Make sure you know the signs of a heart attack incase another one happens. My dad died in his sleep of heart failure. We realized he was having a heart attack over Christmas and he never said anything. He masked his symptoms and none of us knew any better.
CraftFamiliar5243@reddit
I'm 65 and wondering at what point it no longer matters what I eat. My doctor talked yesterday about controlling my borderline BP without drugs through diet and exercise. I'll make some changes because I don't want to take more drugs. Also eating well and exercising makes me feel better. I think if I hit 80 I'm going to sit in front of the TV eating ice cream and donuts. Those last years are not high quality.
Hot-Significance-462@reddit
I feel like this is all I do outside of work. And sometimes while I'm at work too.
Babyspiker@reddit
When they die, just throw them in the trash.
JamesMattDillon@reddit
My dad just doesn't listen.
ferminriii@reddit
At 41, you’re not a kid anymore, but that doesn’t mean you must adopt the role of “parent” to your father. Instead, aim for a partnership or trusted friend. Express your concerns, but respect his autonomy. His decisions are his to make, even if they’re not what you or your aunt choose for him.
My dad stopped eating right in the final 5-10 years of his life. It wasn't my job to fix it. But, I didn't keep my mouth shut either.
Your father is still mentally sharp, and while his health history is a concern, it’s also his life to live. If his choice is Twinkies and ice cream, that’s not necessarily for you to police. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or can't bring it up at all.
I used to bring it up all the time to my father. Both seriously and jokingly. But, I knew it was ultimately not for me to decide. Nor was I going to change him. The instinct to protect our parents is natural, but we're not their keeper. We can support and advise, but That's all you really do for a close friend isn't it?
It's more like transitioning to a trusted friend who used to be dumb, but now has a few good ideas. :)
AsparagusNo2955@reddit
"I'm not sick! You're just trying to put me in a nursing home so you can take my house! Did my sister put you up to this? I'm calling your brother"
Tread carefully, my friend.
Yellow_Curry@reddit
Good fucking luck trying to convince your parents of anything. My dad is told repeatedly to stop eating the way he does, sugar, snacks, treats all day long. He lives in endless denial about it and "doesn't understand why he's diebetic". Because "I only eat once a day".
Yea - He eats one sit down meal with my mom for dinner, then spends the rest of his day snacking on cookies and treats.
They won't change because they don't want to change. You really gotta make these life choices in your 40's or 50's if you really want them to stick into retirement years.
gaymersky@reddit
Not to be a dick but I'm straight up not having that conversation ever... Not my problem. You're a grown ass adult you will choose to live healthy or you will suffer the terrible consequences. And no you can't stay on my couch or in my guest room. Or in my garage.
CobblerNo8518@reddit
I’m 46, and lost my dad in 2009 after a long illness. He listened to me and my siblings, but also had a healthy dose of “I am who I am, and I’m going out how I want”. My mom is still here- and she is a whole other bag of cats. Our again parents become like our children. Its full cycle
Moof_the_cyclist@reddit
The real question is how likely they are to end up on your doorstep.
If I am likely to be responsible for their final years, then I want to have some say in the years leading up to that eventuality. Currently I have a 74yo MIL who is set to retire soon, but with no plan, and with declining mobility. She already should not be in a house with stairs, but she has been in the same rental for a dozen years and doesn’t leave the area. All efforts to broach the subject result in mild hostility and denial. If she ends up with us we will need to buy a single level house, and I’d rather know that in advance than have her land in our lap without warning. I need to know details about finances that currently are rabidly kept private.
So yeah, reverse parenting boomers is intractable.
SheerLuckAndSwindle@reddit
Count yourself lucky to be on twinky patrole. Try explaining to your father who doesn't know that he's sick that you're taking over control of the family finances.
BookHooknNeedle@reddit
Years ago I told my dad that I'd take my his keys if his mind goes. I don't want him to hurt himself or anyone else. However, he just had a stroke & can't drive right now anyway. But before we saw what issues his stroke caused he did say he understands.
My mom thinks nothing will go wrong with her. I think she'll be the more difficult one. She's never listened to me or her docs well so whatever. I'll be there to make sure she's not neglected but there's nothing more I can do. She's of sound mind so it's her quality of life, not mine.
My MIL was a nurse so she's the worst patient already lol.
FIL & step-MIL are stubborn & thoughtful respectively.
But yeah, I've worked in healthcare & have definitely had some tough conversations.
batastronaut@reddit
Why can’t your Aunt talk to him?
Idle__Animation@reddit
I don’t know why the aunt’s request needs to even be taken seriously. He’s 74 years old and he can make decisions about his own health.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
A son's input may carry more weight than a sister. Maybe she already has tried.
neuro_umbrage@reddit
The assigned weight of unsolicited advice/opinions is most often dictated by the mood and convenience of the receiver.
The only privileges either relationship or respect grants you is how politely the receiver will dismiss your concerns.
Key-Shift5076@reddit
Sounds like filling good ole dad up with ice cream and twinkies while instituting a diet plan is the way to go then!!
-Plantibodies-@reddit
Sure but what's the harm in trying? That's just defeatism you're conveying, yeah? Self fulfilling prophecy and all that.
Ma1eficent@reddit
My grandma called me to ask me to talk to my parents about getting new sod put in on their house because she thought it made their house look trashy. I'm literally states away, and the black sheep of the family, I was entirely confused about how this got brought up to me. Anyway, since I promised I would, I called them up and told them they should look into putting grass in. You would think I had dressed them down for wearing stained t-shirts to church with how apologetic and ashamed they acted. I felt bad. Whole situation was weird. Family dynamics get fucking weird when you grow up.
hereticjones@reddit
On the one hand, everything you said about them being grown ass adults who can make their own decisions.
On the other hand, it's going to fall on you when they can't. Because of this, I say start having those hard conversations now, because they're coming one way or the other. Best to just start having them so they're not new when it's more difficult.
No easy way to put it, you gotta start wearing them down. Some people have dream boat easy parents who age gracefully and just do what you help them decide is best. These are rare. More often, they want to stay in their house cooking their own meals and chopping their own wood well past the time they should not be doing those things.
Even if the conversations don't really amount to anything, it's worth setting the habit that you're going to be talking to him about those sorts of things, the subtext being that it's not super important now, but eventually it will be, like when to enter hospice. :/
Both my parents are gone, so I don't have to worry about this anymore, but I don't envy those of you who still have all of that on your horizon.
Bubbly_Let_6891@reddit
Also great advice.
skeptical_hope@reddit
Hi, hello, welcome to the party, it sucks here. We just moved my mother-in-law to assisted living after moving her in with us for 4 years because there was no other way to get her to leave her 36 acre farm where she lived alone, despite having rapidly advancing Parkinson's that led to a catastrophic, near-death fall in 2020.
Boomers as a whole have a bad habit of thinking they're invincible, they'll always be young, they can handle it themselves.
They can't. No one can. It sucks. All you can do is what you can, and know that while you love them and want what's best, they are, indeed, grownups and at some point, your obligation is to your own survival (and your spouse or kids, of that applies).
Getting your parents to acknowledge their mortality should not be our job, but that's the generation that raised us, unfortunately. (I'm weirdly lucky that my own folks are more Silent Gen than Boomer and are blessedly prepared for contingencies. I wish that peace for all of us).
LuisMataPop@reddit
It's a common thing with old people, it's always been. I see my mom dealing with my grandma about her (grandma's) health and now I have to deal with my to parents about their health, they're tired and they just don't care that much anymore, for example my mom has sleep apnea and many times she just wont use her machine for several days which makes head fuzzy. I cannot do much more than remind her about my grandma...
Ok_Land_38@reddit
Yes. My dad has health issues. He’s told to do his PT by me, to pay attention to what he eats. He had an issue with not wanting to drink water and after getting read the riot act in the ER by me in front of all the doctors and nurses and being told next time he dehydrates himself like this he can take Uber to the ER.
tigerman29@reddit
Yeah, most parents do this because for some reason kids think it’s their job to baby them. They are adults and need to be treated like it. If they want to live, they will make changes, if they don’t, that’s not our jobs to keep them alive.
Ok_Land_38@reddit
He lives with me and I threaten him routinely with being shipped off to mom’s nursing home. He doesn’t want to live with her anymore and I found it’s a good threat
SweetCosmicPope@reddit
My mom lives with my sister (and is only 60 years old), but my sister always sicks me on her when she won't take care of herself. "She'll only listen to you." So every now and then I have to call my mom and give her the business so she'll go to the doctore and not die for some shit she keeps ignoring.
tigerman29@reddit
If she wants to die, why do you have to save her?
dietitianmama@reddit
HI, I managed my mother's final arrangements and am caring for my ailing father. My answer to this is No, you are not responsible. Your aunt sounds like a codependent busy body who needs to mind her own business.
There comes a point in a person's life where the main goal is quality of life. If your dad is 74 and eating ice cream makes him happy- let him eat ice cream. How much more time on earth would he gain if he stopped eating ice cream would it be worth it compared to his happiness for things he had to give up? Based on your description, it sounds like he is moderately healthy for someone his age, the ice cream and twinkies aren't shifting the line too much either way.
Now the one piece of advice I would give anyone with senior parents is to find out what their final wishes are. Start with something simple - if they were to experience rapid decline or pass away, who do they want to manage affairs for them? (it might be a sibling, in which case- yay, you're off the hook) But if its you- how do they want things managed? They need to put it on paper. You need a will and an advance directive to start. The learning curve on some of this is a bit steep, it's hard to manage someone's final financial affairs while you're grieving. Also there is an entire industry of scammers waiting to take advantage of people who are driving the loss of a loved one. It's best to be prepared.
Bubbly_Let_6891@reddit
Great advice.
Solid-Hedgehog9623@reddit
My dad is only 62, but he fell off a ladder like 2 years ago while cleaning the gutters. I said, ‘pop, if you need the gutters cleaned, call me. And no more ladders.’ He’s in decent shape, but he set the ladder against the house on trex decking with no one to foot the ladder. So it’s his judgement I worry about, mostly.
tigerman29@reddit
Yeah, I’d totally do what your dad did and I’m 40. My wife yells at me all the time for it. That’s just being dumb, not age related.
ObligationJumpy6415@reddit
I agree w those who say unless you have a super duper, totes besties relationship with your parents, giving them advice on just about anything is a fool’s errand.
Luckily my parents have wills and all that, but they hate doctors and don’t go until they’re about dead. It sucks that they prefer to live in pain and with possibly undiagnosed health issues, but as other said, they’re grown ass people still mentally competent to make their own choices about how to live and how to die. Good luck to em.
tigerman29@reddit
My parents don’t tell me how to live my life and I don’t tell them how to live their’s. You’ll be much happier if you follow this rule and maybe your dad will ask you advice about it instead of you telling him what to do. I’d tell your aunt thank you for your concern, but he will make his own decisions.
Bubbly_Let_6891@reddit
Yeah, I’ve crossed this bridge, and it is wild figuring out what is the appropriate level of intervention. I’m 39F and had a serious intervention with my 73M dad, who has Parkinson’s. He was not managing his illness, and I don’t think he would have allowed me to take the “adult” role in his life until he was in full blown crisis and at risk of needing full time nursing care. Before that, he would have dismissed me entirely.
Your dad sounds able-bodied, but overweight. Your mom sounds scared about him dying. Your mom probably needs to work through her fear about your dad dying, and maybe her own eventual passing, too. There are several really great books out there about coming to terms with death in general that might help her work through it.
I agree with others that your dad will likely tell you to back off. However, in your shoes, I would talk to him about it anyway. Just do your best to come from a place of a child’s love and concern for their dad. You could talk about his health straight on, or you could come at it indirectly with the other hard talks: end of life plans, wills, POA, long term care directives. If you haven’t yet, you want to know your parents’ plans on all of that, BEFORE you are in crisis. A friend who works in nursing care admissions shares so many heartbreaking stories about people who are making those decisions on the fly in highly stressful situations.
I intervened with my dad because he paved the way for me to take on that role in his life. He started calling me during panic attacks about losing control of his body. I spent 4 weeks living with my parents to get him on the right meds, get him into PT, help my mom figure out her caretaking role, and set him up with resources and activities that are mentally and socially stimulating so that he wouldn’t have so much free time to wallow in a pit of despair. I also hired a lawyer to document end of life directives, wills, POA, and safeguard my parents’ assets in a Medicaid trust. I feel so much better knowing exactly what they want for their long term care, and of life, and finances.
I had a serious come-to-Jesus talk with my dad that if he didn’t take responsibility for his physical AND mental health, then he would absolutely end up in full-time nursing (his nightmare).
A year later, he is mostly independent again, physically fit and cognitively in good shape. I do have POA over their finances and medical, but he views me as a partner he can fall back on. He is still the first line decision-maker. I monitor his wellbeing and mental acuity through regular visits and am present for most meetings with doctors and wealth managers.
It has never been more clear to me that children are an essential component of any retirement plan in the U.S. Parents don’t want to burden their kids, but they need us to support them as they enter the late stages of life. Only the extremely rich can truly afford the professional services that adult kids fill for their parents as they get older.
Too bad I don’t have any myself. :P
scormegatron@reddit
Anecdotally, it feels like a lot of people start to give up later in life.
As I've gotten older, I try and motivate my dad to overcome challenges. Sometimes that's as simple as just talking about healthy habits that I'm employing, and hoping at least some of it motivates him.
We want him to last as long as he can -- so why not.
Bluevanonthestreet@reddit
I try but am 100% rebuffed. My mom has about an 80% chance of her breast cancer returning but refuses to get a prophylactic mastectomy. Her first oncologist screwed up and only did a lumpectomy the first time. With her family history genetics should have been tested immediately instead of over 6 months later. I begged her to get tested before surgery but she refused. Even though she ran the care for my grandma when she had cancer I’m not told much of anything. I’m just waiting for the day we find out she’s in surgery because it’s back and it’s spread.
emjay144@reddit
Gotta pick your battles, and is it worth it to deprive him of treats that he enjoys?
If you find it genuinely concerning, start by making sure he's seeing a doctor regularly. Bring it up as casually as you can so it doesn't come across like a lecture.
CovidThrow231244@reddit
"Pick your battles" oof
magic_crouton@reddit
I remember when my 100yo grandma was on hospice and the staff at assisted living wouldn't let her have ice cream because of her diabetes. Quality of life matters. She got the ice cream. I gave it to her.
Destin2930@reddit
I’m an RN and see this alllllll the time. I have patients in their 90’s put on all sorts of restrictive diets in the hospital…usually I’m able to convince the doctor to change it, the rest of the time, I tell family to bring it in
SnooHobbies7109@reddit
I would not personally broach that topic with a 74 year old. Especially one who hasn’t always been overweight
Sinborn@reddit
Have a talk about their affairs, as in are they in order? No point to tell an old person they can live longer if they want to give up unhealthy habits. A talk about what we're doing when they're gone will help them decide.
Anaxamenes@reddit
It started when you were 29 and had several things that you knew more about than your parents did. It just grows over time as you gain knowledge and they lose it because they are no longer in the areas to need to keep up on that learning.
Nothing is more fun though than telling someone in their 20’s that they need to enjoy it because at 29 they become their parent’s parent. 😆
gyrlonfilm6@reddit
Sounds like the aunt needs to MHOB. Dad earned his 74 years. Tomorrow isn't promised. Let his doctor yell at him if need be.
ConceitedWombat@reddit
My mother disregarded a growing constellation of symptoms until she landed in the hospital with a blood pressure around 180/110. I had pleaded with her for several months to get checked out; it fell on deaf ears.
Fortunately it seems to have motivated her to start taking her health seriously, but I’ve learned it’s really a case of you-can-lead-a-horse-to-water thing with her.
DrunkRaccoon88@reddit
Don't talk to him like he was your father. Don't talk to him like you were his son. Talk to him the same way you would talk to your best friend. Men always listen to their best friend.
OverZookeepergame698@reddit
I got onto my dad all the time and he would just wave me on. It was his life, and death by Twinkie always sounded better to him than getting so old his mind and mobility were compromised. That being said- death by Twinkie came much sooner than he thought it would. He was stubborn- to the end. He wasn’t overweight, but he had diabetes and could not be convinced to put the cake down. Massive widow maker in the backyard. I will say, I do think he went the way he would have wanted- fast and mostly painless, but much sooner than he had in mind.
Mom was much less stubborn about her health, but her story ended the same way, except the front yard.
I don’t know if I’m lucky that I don’t have to worry about how to care for them as they age, but I feel incredibly unlucky not to have them at this point in my life. I miss them daily. Both were still young(ish) and fully active and a big part of my daily life.
When I got onto my dad, I knew he wasn’t going to listen, but I wanted to try. He didn’t like the nagging, but I know it made him feel loved that I cared enough to nag because, “Dad! When you’re dead, it won’t matter to you because you’ll be dead! But me and the girls (grandkids) will be left missing you desperately!”
DustedGorilla82@reddit
Nope only if I break out the ouija board
ChiefBroady@reddit
Nope. I am not on speaking terms with my parents.
simononandon@reddit
My parents still drive & I can't think about because if I do, I honestly don't know if I'm more concerned for them, or the people on the roads with them. They also live in a house where the designer put the kitchen, living room, and primary bedroom upstairs. So they are constantly navigating a flight of stairs.
No_Light_8487@reddit
I’m not afraid of confrontation (I get that from my mom), and I’m also the snarky jokester of the family, so I can’t wait. I’ve probably got another 10 years before I get to step on my parents’ toes about their lifestyle.
But I think whether or not this feels easy depends entirely on your family dynamics. My family has never had a problem with openly disagreeing with each other (fiercely if needed) over a thanksgiving meal, then by the time desert rolls out, everyone is all smiles again. My wife’s family is not this way. You never bring up anything that might rock the boat, avoid confrontation at all costs and don’t even think about questioning someone’s thoughts or decisions. So my wife is already dreading the day her parent’s need looking after.
Okra_Tomatoes@reddit
I had a parentified relationship with my mom from an early age. Her family babies her and has never treated her like an adult, and as I got older they wanted me, as a teenager, to make sure a grown ass woman could get to places on time. In my 20s I tried to get her to try counseling, because she has struggled with sever depression my entire life. Once I researched every therapist in town that took her insurance, wrote down their contact details and hours, and gave it to her. She never made a call. You can lead a horse to water….
Tia_Baggs@reddit
I feel your pain. Mine is a mostly functional alcoholic who according to her family “has something different about her she can’t help” (most likely an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder). As a teenager I was tasked with getting her to stop drinking, but no matter how hard I tried it didn’t work.
I learned that I can’t make a “sound minded” adult do anything that they didn’t want to do. We’re now at a place in her life where the days of living independently are numbered. I’ve set up in home PT, OT, and home health for her only for her to dismiss them once she got the shot she needed for her arthritic knee. I encouraged her to continue the therapies to gain strength and mobility but she won’t, she’d rather be in denial of what lies ahead for her. You can’t save people from themselves.
Its-Brittany-Biyatch@reddit
My DH and I flip houses. We have bought and sold more houses and have lived across numerous states over 18 years of marriage. My in-laws (almost 70 years old) have lived in 2 houses the last 25+ years and after retiring, a few years ago, decided to move closer to us.
They were moving from a small town with a population of 15-20K people to a city that’s one of the 15 largest in the U.S. We took them house hunting, showing them neighborhoods and communities we knew would align with what was important to them (quiet, space between the neighbors, etc.) Did they listen to a word of advice from my DH/their DS? Nope. Did they end up buying a house somewhere we told them multiple times not to? Yep. Are they less than a year into living there and already looking to sell? You bet. Does my FIL complain ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME about everything we warned them about? Also yes. Did my husband finally snap and tell his parents “I told you so! Maybe in the future you should listen to me every once in a while, especially when it comes to my area of expertise.” Uh huh. It was such a satisfying moment.
I’m convinced our parents still see us as children who barely know how to wipe our own asses. As boomers, they are all knowing and stubborn AF. We could never possibly know more than them.
So have the conversation with your dad. Let him know you are concerned about his health and want him around for a long time. When he tells you he isn’t changing a damn thing, let it go. Or, if you are snarky like me, remind him you will choose his nursing home!
JCarr110@reddit
I'm not having any conversations with my parents.
Middle_Aged_Insomnia@reddit
Hes 74. Feed that guy more food, beer, and cigars. Stop treating elderly like toddlers. Let them enjoy the last years imo
Hollybaby5@reddit
So, we have an interesting generational conflict. My parents are teaming up with my sister and I to have difficult conversations with my grandmother (88). Since we see each other as a team, it’s hard for my sister and I to recognize when my parents need some talking to also.
DoctorFenix@reddit
I think it's your job to just say "Hey, if you're going to eat the ice cream, you gotta go walk for an hour that day first"
Encourage cardiovascular health. Telling someone near the end not to enjoy their food is silly. It's all that many of them have left.
Numerous-Loquat-1161@reddit
My father loved buttered rolls and everyone wanted him to stop using butter because he had high cholesterol and had several heart operations. He said he made it to seventy and wasn’t giving up his butter. They already took away everything else I like to eat, so be it. If I die at least I am going out enjoying what life I have left. Those little pleasures is what makes up a happy life especially as you age there isn’t a wealth of things to look forward to.
Enge712@reddit
My mom will be 70 in April. Her mother died of breast cancer at 71. She has never had a mammogram.
Pierson230@reddit
Ohh yes.
The big change is when they need you for stuff. Then, you can make if/then demands.
The health stuff is almost pointless, though. They will either get their habits in check, or they won’t. It is not your responsibility to.
You are only responsible for what you choose to be responsible for. Draw your boundaries, and set your expectations.
Your parents are adults. Do not overfunction for them.
I had a lot of health conversations with my dad. “Dad, I want you to be around for as long as possible! I also want you to be able to keep your mobility, so you aren’t stuck in a mobility scooter, and they don’t have to cut off your feet. Do you know what you should be doing? Do you need some help?”
After that, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.
Lewey123@reddit
It depends. Is it going to be your job to take care of him if/when he has a stroke and needs care? If yes, then it’s definitely your business. If not, then it’s not your business 🤷🏼 You should probably have a real conversation with him about that tho. Like what will happen to him in that situation: will he go to a skilled nursing facility, or would he come live with you? And don’t let him say “just put me out of my misery” like a lot of elders say because that isn’t a real option when it happens and it’s really shitty to try to figure out what to do in the moment.
gingerjaybird3@reddit
If you aunt thinks there’s a problem she should talk to him not you. Kids asking parents to change in that situation doesn’t work.
kerberos101@reddit
No. They are responsible for their own demise.
YogurtclosetDull2380@reddit
I had this conversation with my dad about 12 years ago, when we started having kids. I just wanted him to stop smoking, like I had recently done, and go on a diet because he was too fat to get his other knee replaced. And he was diabetic
He didn't do anything until he had a stroke and then contracted kidney disease.
The dude has been a deadbeat my whole life, so imagine my surprise when he came to me thinking he was going to get a kidney from me.
ShillinTheVillain@reddit
Come on, you have 2! You really gonna use both of them?
YogurtclosetDull2380@reddit
There's a slight possibility. I'll certainly use it more than a feeble old man.
neuro_umbrage@reddit
“What? You think kidneys grow on trees?”
SatoshiBlockamoto@reddit
Life's too short and cruel to take away the man's Twinkies. Let the man Twinkie.
ApatheistHeretic@reddit
My dad and I have already had discussions. They usually end with agreement similar to, "Of all the ways you're killing yourself, a heart attack would be the least suffering. Have some more salt, dad..."
He's 70, has terrible emphysema, and horrific blood pressure problems.
corpsie666@reddit
I highly recommend the book "Crucial Conversations".
It's direct and simple about how to talk with people.
Torchness9@reddit
Does he go to the doctor? My father is 73 and getting a belly but besides a comment whenever he pours olive oil all over everything, I just decided to let his doctor say something. He’d trust them over me anyway!
iwantmy-2dollars@reddit
I’ve been taking care of my parents ever since they divorced when I was 10. I’m freaking done. I have a toddler and a preschooler, I don’t have the energy for another toddler who refuses to help themself. Let my brother do it.
unlovelyladybartleby@reddit
I've been saying, encouraging, and screaming for people to take their meds, go to doctors, go to therapy, cut back on smoking, and follow their various diets for years. It does very little. In some ways it's a waste of time but it does allow you to shout things like "when you have a butter and scotch induced stroke, you can't live here" and "when you get gangrene on your feet I will not be stepping up to help you"
Spear_Ritual@reddit
Mom died because she wouldn’t listen about healthy eating. Dad has had a heart attack and changed his diet and habits. 🤷🏻♂️information is there if they want it. I’m just glad dad isn’t as crazy as some of these other boomers.
buttery_nurple@reddit
No. This isn’t your role, and don’t let them or anyone else make you think it is. You can take it on if you choose to but don’t ever feel obligated.
magic_crouton@reddit
My dad is in his 80s and my mom died a couple years ago. My dad us way more reckless like this summer he painted the outside of his 2 story house alone. He's always doing stuff like that and I got to the point years ago that I don't want to be infantalized so I won't do that to him. He's a grown adult, at the end of his life and cognitively intact. He has autonomy just like we do. Just because he's old doesn't mean he ceases to habe the same rights we do to mess our lives up however we want.
I also know if he one day died at home that's how he would want to go out. He doesn't want to live forever. Once I accepted all of that I could have a normal adult to adult relationship with him. When he has questions or wants my thoughts he asks. Otherwise I'm not telling some guy in his twilight years what to do.
DillyBaby@reddit
Yeah we had to have an intervention this year because a girl my age was dating pops. He is ruining his finances and giving her money. It’s been a tough, stressful 42nd year.
melanthius@reddit
I’ve long since learned not to try to cause, encourage, or otherwise expect any behavioral changes of people over the age of about 50
ZealousidealDog4802@reddit
If I make it to 74 and my son comes to talk to me about my weight id shit my pants and ask him to help me wipe my ass.
Vivid-Individual5968@reddit
Seriously 😂 My brother used to get on my 91 year old dad for eating ice cream and smoked pork chops.
Let the man enjoy his time left.
OP-your dad is 74. He knows he’s overweight. He has mirrors in his home. My advice is let him be.
Our independence gets taken from us already as we age. If Aunt is so concerned, let HER have the conversation.
PickleFlavordPopcorn@reddit (OP)
😂😂
Odd_Soil_8998@reddit
My mom is only taking medical advice from RFK Jr now, so I'm not gonna bother.
GlitteryFab@reddit
All of my elderly and fellow Millenial family members have embraced RFK Jr. they’re dead to me now.
TheFoxandTheSandor@reddit
My dad has Alzheimer’s. He can still play music but can’t comprehend how to get salad out of a the bowl on to his plate. It’s amazing and interesting and entirely frustrating and soul crushingly defeating at the same time. It’s like there is a magnifying glass over the 1970’s and before and after that is just a haze of random non connected memories
Kiwi222123@reddit
I’m lucky in that my parents take excellent care of themselves - eat well, work out, the whole thing. Although my mom did have a catastrophic accident a few years ago, had to learn to walk again, and is now unclear as to why I think she should stop skiing. I don’t know, mom, isn’t one spinal injury enough?
cold_as_nice@reddit
My mother has multiple serious health scares over the years, almost all related to her awful diet and lack of exercise. I've bought her cookbooks and food scales and gym memberships. I've given her a detailed and doable diet plan. I've lectured her until I'm blue in the face....all to no avail. She's never going to change her habits at this point, and I've just had to come to terms with it.
Marty_Eastwood@reddit
As long as my parents are of sound mind I will not be giving them any advice. They have made their wishes known to myself and my siblings and have (thankfully) already completed their estate planning. They are responsible adults who were (and still are) reasonably good parents and and I owe them that level of respect and dignity until it is no longer an option.
Besides, I've already hinted at a couple of suggestions that might help them and I get blown off, so (shrugs shoulders).
norfnorf832@reddit
Oh man by the time i tried the dementia was already too far along and I wasnt fully able to deal with everything as it fell apart. As it is dad's been dead a year and Im just now getting around to probating his estate
JFull0305@reddit
Both of my parents are in their mid 60s, and trying to stay active so they don't "get too old too fast". But conversations have been there...especially after my Dad survived his stroke a few years ago.
After_Match_5165@reddit
I'm having tough conversations with my mom about life insurance and wills and what she wants when she dies (my dad died unexpectedly several years ago and everything was pretty chaotic even though I'm an only child and he had no assets) but aside from keeping an updated list of her medications and making her promise never to stand on a chair again, I don't interfere with her health choices. She's old and if one IPA and a pogo every day makes her happy, who am I to take away her joy? Begging her to extend her life so that I can postpone grief feels selfish to me. She's winding down and I want her to enjoy this stage of her life as much as she comfortably can.
TacosAreJustice@reddit
Oh man… back in 2020 my sister and I had a long and awkward talk about how we needed to address my mom’s drinking…
It did not happen.
LaVida2@reddit
Let me put it this way: if my mother needs home health care, my plan is to move to her house. Father already passed 😢
HagOfTheNorth@reddit
I did chuckle at the idea that you’d had NO IDEA Dad was fat, and his big sister had to let you know the obvious.
superschaap81@reddit
When my dad passed away a couple years ago, we had a HELL of a time trying to get his estate sorted out, as he SAID he had a will, but we couldn't find it. There was nothing on file with any lawyers either. It was a disaster of emotions, money and physical exhaustion I wouldn't wish on anyone. After that, I made sure my mom had done hers and my wife and I sat down with her parents to make theirs was done as well. Once that was complete, we sat down and did ours. That seems to be the toughest one we've had, cause they all thought we figured they're going to die soon. We had to assure them it wasn't that, but for security and just ease in case and when it DOES happen.
Miss-Construe-@reddit
There is no "mild diabetes". Diabetes is diabetes and I feel like people don't take it seriously enough. Even doctors often don't take it seriously enough. Blood sugar is the last thing to spike (typically high insulin goes unnoticed for decades first) and that's basically a solid indicator that damage is being done on a daily basis. Check out Dr Jason Fung for a good place to start with understanding diabetes (type2) and how to actually reverse it.
RedAnchorite@reddit
Had to talk to mine about living wills and advanced directives because my mom had something akin to a stroke and we didn't have anything written down about how long to keep her on a ventilator. So much fun.
Happy_Confection90@reddit
Probably Probably And no
My parents have been gone for a few years now, but I was in your position once. My mom died unexpectedly after a very brief illness, and Dad, who was already terminally ill, became my problem.
Almost a year after Mom died, one of the doctors during a hospitalization strong-armed Dad into admitting that he'd been diagnosed with diabetes 5 months earlier. The first few months I tried to get him to change his diet and so on, but eventually I stopped. He wasn't worried about dying sooner, and I realized that given his terminal condition, making him eat right and so on would at best prolong how long he was in pain. That wasn't kind, not when I knew that he was miserable. So I stopped harping on it, and he was probably relieved.
If your dad is also of sound mind, you should consider stepping away from being the food police. He's likely been given all the info he needs, and as long as he is capable of understanding it, it's his responsibility to act on it or not.
ReagleRamen@reddit
My wife and I avoided this talk until we got around to reading Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? We had the talk, it wasn't fun at all, but it feels like a massive load has been lifted.
taskforceslacker@reddit
I find myself having to “parent” my mother from time to time about what’s best for her. Aside from that, acting as her medical proxy and legal counsel can be taxing while taking care of my own family. I just can’t ignore her troubles as she raised me. I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir here.
lawnboy1155@reddit
Depends on the parent. I tried my damnest to help my father before he passed but nothing ever stuck. My mom listens to my sister and I. Never hurts to express your concerns and offer advice but its on them to take it.
DamarsLastKanar@reddit
I know my grandpa would have lived longer if he had lost weight. Period. I'm all for body acceptance, but enough fat will kill you.
vegaling@reddit
I feel like my parents are healthier than I am. My 68 year old dad just had an angiogram and his arteries are clean as a whistle. He runs marathons. Meanwhile I huff and puff walking up the stairs.
And they nag me about this...
4score-7@reddit
Ugggh. Thank you, sincerely, for the reminder. My wife's mother, 71, relatively healthy until now, received word of blood cancer, though found early, recently. She has undergone the first round of treatment and is responding well to it. Very well, in fact, and I'm grateful to God for that. My father in law, 76, is doing well and is able-bodied. The two of them need to already have their affairs in order, and I have confidence that they do.
Now, my mother, 70, re-married to a man 17 years her senior, way back in 2006. All is well, except that he is now 87, and all that goes along with being a relatively healthy person, for that advanced age. Again, I'm grateful, and I have assisted them with financial matters for the last decade plus, including filing their tax returns each year. Affairs are in order.
Same for my wife and I, though I wish I had the budget for a lot more life insurance.
PBJdeluxe@reddit
it's not. simply because you can't and its not possible. don't make something your job that you have no control over, thats a recipe for frustration and resentment.
burnerburnerburnt@reddit
I began to transition into this role during the height of COVID and yeah, it's jarring when you first realize roles have reversed. while we have not yet had all of the difficult conversations they definitely have begun, and as I was greatly involved with my grandmother's care as a younger adult some of what's happening I've already experienced and am expecting. to be fair it doesn't make it easier to come to terms with things, just to maybe know what's worth fighting them on vs. just quietly taking care of on my own (when possible).
hollyock@reddit
It’s not your place tbh. He knows what he’s doing. You also don’t know what it’s like to be old and to have things start to fall apart, your friends die, loss of mobility and things that once h
Fat_Krogan@reddit
I don’t think my parents care enough about my opinion to make any actual changes to better their lives. I’ve given up at this point.
OvrKill@reddit
I've been the adult for a long time now. You lasted longer than most. Welcome 🥲
JBatDee@reddit
I had to take my mom off of life support due to COPD. She was only 65. I didn't want her to die alone, so I made the decision. That was 2 years ago, and it still haunts me. Not her death, but the role reversal. I feel like I should have done more to make her healthy before she got to that point.
PBJdeluxe@reddit
we cant make other people healthy. we have zero control over that, no matter how much we love them and care about them.
Quiver-NULL@reddit
Mine refuse to participate in those conversations, so it's a pretty short discussion!
blownout2657@reddit
We asked our dad how he wants us to tell him he can’t drive anymore. We are seeing some of his peers lose the ability. He’s still ok but you know.
jjmawaken@reddit
Yeah, i wouldn't be having that conversation with my parents.
jtho78@reddit
The boomer generation is the most stubborn group, according to health care professionals. You are not alone. But he is close to the average life expectancy (76), it might be a good idea to step in and start caring for him more. Make sure he is regularly seeing his PCP and up to date on appointments.
r/AgingParents has a lot of good advice
Did you think you were never going to help take care of them? That is the cycle, we ignore them for the first 20 years of our lives and then they ignore us for the next 60. But seriously, unless you are estranged, you should want a better life for them and be there to support that.
CuriousRiver2558@reddit
I recommend joining the aging parents sub, or similar. It helps a lot with how to breach difficult subjects with our (usually stubborn) parents.
Midnight_Marshmallo@reddit
My father stopped being a parent around the time I turned 16, so the role reversal happened a lot earlier in our relationship. On the one hand it's given me a truckload of emotional baggage to deal with, but on the bright side it's making his transition into dementia easier in a lot of ways, so..
I'm sorry you're having to navigate this, it's not easy. There's always r/agingparents if you need solid advice.
fizztothegig@reddit
my parents would never listen to any advice from me. even when it was directly related to something i had more knowledge about and studied. but i try anyway to let them know i still care.
Hurt2039@reddit
Oh god this post felt like I was reading a personal journal entry. Same boat, 41yrs old and now having to get involved in my 71yr old father’s medical drama because he’s letting himself go. I’m barely surviving at this adulting thing and now I have to step in with him
lopingwolf@reddit
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that his older sister has tried to tell him what *she thinks* he ought to do for most of the last 74 years and now she's hoping you'll take over. Odds are that she tried to tell him something about watching his health and he blew her off.
Unless it's negatively impacting his daily life, I'd leave it alone. At 74 if I'm still active and living my life the way I want, I hope ice cream is my worst vice. I'm sure his doctor or your mom has mentioned watching the sugar. Hearing it from you won't be breaking news, it'll just be you annoying him.
BabalonBimbo@reddit
I was a professional caregiver for 10 years and now I am now my father’s caretaker. I tell him what to do when I can tell that he is flustered and unsure of what to do or off track. I do not tell him what to do when he is aware of the choice he’s making. I don’t get on him about his food or drinking or spending, mostly because he does it in moderation but I probably wouldn’t say much unless he was fully out of control like drinking and driving for example. Something where he could hurt others. Like it or not, people have a right to make unhealthy choices for themselves. The boundary is when they could hurt others. That’s how I was trained.
As I said, I do tell him what he needs to be doing when he gets side tracked during an important task. He’ll ask me what method of payment to use and I’ll tell him. As adult children of aging parents we help where they need it and step back where they don’t.
Unless they were shitty parents, lol. Then they are on their own lol.
Shivering_Monkey@reddit
No, and I won't be either.
HellaWonkLuciteHeels@reddit
He won’t listen and it will only add to your burden later when he requires full time care. Plan ahead for yourself. Look into his health insurance. Look into resources. Start pricing out/vetting long term care homes.
-Plantibodies-@reddit
OP doesn't know until they try.
HellaWonkLuciteHeels@reddit
I know. That’s what hurts the most. None of us are ever truly prepared - emotionally, financially…
holymole1234@reddit
My parents (70s) have never discussed estate stuff at all - who’s in the will, who isn’t, any final wishes, etc. And it feels like they would feel it was totally inappropriately to ask.
Honestly, I think their goal is to spend every penny and leave kids absolutely nothing, but they haven’t told us that either.
dayburner@reddit
Here's the thing if you don't have any other siblings your parents'care is going to fall on your shoulders. Unless you're ready to cut them off, it's best to have these discussions now instead of when your dad is immobile from diabetes and needs you to drive him to the DR on the regular. Mid seventies is a ripe age of a fall that can throw all your family's future plans in the toilet.
uwu_mewtwo@reddit
My mom would be so much happier with hearing aides; she's very social but getting harder and harder to converse with. She doesn't exactly disagree that she needs them, and she can afford them, she even went to an audiologist to get tested, but she won't get the damn things. My wife and I don't live near enough to drag her out by the collar, and you'd think dad floats for how hesitant he is to put his foot down. She is otherwise in good health and doesn't shy away from being tested/treated for age-related issues. It's infuriating.
RainbowButtMonkey1@reddit
You probably can't tell them what to do but you can establish boundaries to protect your sanity
Mr402TheSouthSioux@reddit
3 adults in their middle and late 70s. I'm the only child to have stayed in this area. All three have hoarding issues and my aunt has an addiction to feeding stray animals. So yep. I'm having tough conversations almost daily. From Cyber security to plumber to therapist I am doing it all solo no support and no backup. I hate to say it but I wish they weren't so damn tough and would have to move to a senior living community but we are a farm family and you would have to force them at gunpoint to make a transition like that.
RainbowButtMonkey1@reddit
Yeah my Mil lived in the sticks and she hoarded items along with hoarding cars and feeding the strays. I got my best buddy cat from her but she couldn't understand why her feeding the strays was a buffet for the fishers.
WeathermanOnTheTown@reddit
That's like deciding to have a chat with the air traffic controller about your malfunctioning landing gear while descending to the runway.
ProfessorOfLies@reddit
Sadly, Bill Door got there first
Jokierre@reddit
Yes, this is our role now, although it certainly won’t feel like it from our perspective. The role means providing clear direction on how to best organize things, the offer of time assistance when it comes to getting around, or periodically lifting heavy things (like milk gallons). That being said, their wishes are theirs, and if they’re stubbornly stuck in their ways, then they’re also going to have to accept the outcomes. Some parents can’t wait to hand off all their BS to you, while others insist on “their way” all the way to the end.
Targis589z@reddit
Suggest he take some diabetic education with you and if you live nearby that you would like to exercise together and try to get healthy together and need his help.
These things run in families and if he thinks he is helping you he might be more likely to go for it. Also families that work together do better.