Can anyone help me determine if im in a toxic relationship?
Posted by jpaints526@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 56 comments
I'm trying to work out what's normal and what isn't. I've been married for nearly 10 years (I'm the husband, heterosexual marriage) and over the last few years I've been feeling a bit aggrieved over things and after talking things through I usually feel rubbish for talking my view on things.
A few egs:
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My debit card failed, and went to buy a hobby magazine at a bookstore. I used our joint account to purchase. When we ran through the accounts she questioned when I went, why I went and why didn't I tell her I went there in the first place. She now feels like I'm hiding things from her. For context, she doesn't work and I'm the bread winner for the family.
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She has had girls weekends away, and I've gladly looked after our family. I try and book the same and get 100 questions and made to feel guilty for wanting to spend time away. To the point she will not let it go until I either make very large concessions or not go entirely.
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I have to desist on anything contentious. And like above, if anything doesn't go ahead as she wishes I am hounded until things revert.
I appreciate every story has multiple sides, but I am so frustrated. I have not seen friends for years, missed out on family occasions, and had to deal with fair share of confrontation led by her behaviour.
If this comes across as a moaning post I really don't wish it to. I feel suffocated and when I say I'm frustrated she has forced me to seek medical advice and now on anti depressants. Any time I get upset about the above she blames it on medication.
I feel trapped.... should I be? Is this married life?
Thank you
- One confused father ❤️
himit@reddit
As everyone said, it sounds bad.
You don't have a responsibility to save the marriage. You can try, but if it doesn't get better, leave. There's no shame in leaving once you realise how badly you're being treated.
I hesitate to mention, but often partners who are controlling due to trust issues are projecting and cannot be trusted themselves. She seems to assume you're cheating on her; if you can, you should check her phone.
No_Manager_3534@reddit
She sounds like she needs a job….to pay for her own way and you can do what ever you like!!
Silverdodger@reddit
Nope, she’ll find another supply.
No_Manager_3534@reddit
Sponge comes to mind….
Silverdodger@reddit
lol - you’re a Brit I’m guessing
No_Manager_3534@reddit
How’d you guess?
Cannabis_Sir@reddit
Been there, bread winner, micro managed etc. She's still the same now, my Sons been living with me for 10 years. Tell her and give her chance to change, maybe she doesn't realise how she's being. If she won't change then leave is my advice, it's not healthy all round, you'll resent her and split up when the kids are older anyway
Silver-Appointment77@reddit
She has you where she wants you. Like you say, trapped.
Yes its tovic, not letting you go away with friends or not having any alone time.
Now to the point, Im sure shes cheated when shes been away and now she pushing all of her insecurity onto you. A lot of cheaters do it. Make the other person feel bad about doing anything because they dont want to accept responsibility for what they did.
Its not a nice relationship at all, and the fact youve been given anti depressants, which you dont need, is bad. Get of them as soons as you can. And when you can, just keave her. She doesnt care about you, just needs your money. Tough
What the point of money if you have no life.
Delicious-Cut-7911@reddit
Antidepressants should be taken with caution. They can be difficult to get off of. Your depression stems from her controlling you. For your own peace of mind and a better life , I would seriously rethink this relationship
TheDawiWhisperer@reddit
if you have to ask, you probably are
Ornery-Ad-3224@reddit
As someone who has recently come out of a manipulative and coercive marriage I can see this being very similar to how things started in my situation.
Withdrawing me from friends and family, one rule for them, another for me etc.
I would maybe have a good think about how much of "yourself" you have lost or sacrificed to be with your partner and if that's acceptable to you. Also think about any escalation in your partner's behaviour, has it always been like this? Or is it getting worse?
After leaving my now ex husband I can only explain it as "getting my colour back". If you feel like you've lost that, consider a somewhat amicable separation before things get too bad.
Remember what you are worth and I hope this works out for you, whatever happens.
JoeDaStudd@reddit
What's her social life like and does she have hobbies?\ Sound like she's potentially bored and looking for some attention.
Have you said all of this to her in a safe environment for you both?\ Your situation doesn't sound healthy for either of you or you'd child(ren).
Sad_External_2554@reddit
Not normal. Would probably advise couple counselling ! Source: was married 12 years and now divorced...
uk451@reddit
What’s the point of councilling in this situation? Just get out
Sad_External_2554@reddit
I was in that situation, and I got out without counseling. To be honest the guilt almost killed me. The outcome might be the same in the end, but it needs to be tried.
Mudkiplover@reddit
The partner may not realise she is doing this, or not intentionally out of malice. Could be stemming from underlying fear or anxiety, and counselling could help uncover the reasons why, without disrupting the family
HumbleScottish@reddit
She does realise she is doing this. As OP mentioned, anytime he mentions the above she blames her actions on medication.
Imtryingforheckssake@reddit
No she's blaming his feelings on the medication he's taking - which he's taking because she got him to go to medical professionals and they gave him antidepressants. She's refusing to see her part in this and invalidating his genuine feelings.
y0g1@reddit
Research Personality Disorders, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder. This will give you an idea of what red flags indicate a toxic relationship. But bear in mind, the problem might be you.
UnbelievableFreedom@reddit
Definitely this sounds like BPD
xrhades@reddit
Leave.
Thats all that needs to be said.
gnomeplanet@reddit
Ask yourself what you really want, then do it.
ProperChopperGAF@reddit
Honestly, this sounds like my marriage. I was desperately unhappy for years, often feeling like a child, constantly stepping on egg-shells, whilst I just tried to be the best father and husband I could. Eventually, I bailed. Life is too short.
EfficientRegular7986@reddit
I didn’t even read past the bookshop part. If my wife had the nerve to question why I’m buying myself stuff as the sole breadwinner I’d go nuclear.
solve_et_coagula13@reddit
It doesn’t sound good and you don’t sound happy. Decide if this is how you want to live your life. The only thing we can’t ever get more of is time my friend, it’s a precious commodity.
Timely_Egg_6827@reddit
Does she have her own account and allowance? Do you? Are you the only person with an income or does she work too? This sounds toxic and something it might be worth talking to Relate about. But it may be you both feel a power imbalance in relationship - her dependent on you for spending and you nagged and monitored.
She sounds pretty insecure. But forcing you onto meds and using them as a blame tool rather than taking some accountability for tension in the relationship is pretty damming.
You can ask your GP for a referral to Relate - if she doesn't want to go, then I'd take that a really big red flag.
HumbleScottish@reddit
OP said, she dosen’t work and he is the bread winner?
mitchanium@reddit
Please look up the definition of abuse.
You're definitely ticking a few boxes there.
UK definition of abuse
Ruadhan2300@reddit
No, none of that is normal healthy stuff.
The only part of that which feels remotely reasonable is being called up for spending joint-account money without consultation. Getting the third degree over it isn't right either though.
I can't advise you from any kind of personal experience, but if you can't talk to her and air your grievances safely, you're not in a healthy marriage by definition.
woody83060@reddit
Your wife is a tyrant
Rough-Sprinkles2343@reddit
Your girl is literally a meme and the type of woman men do not want.
Certainly sounds toxic to me
Sultan_of_Fire@reddit
My ex was like this. I couldn’t bare it, honestly every day
hez9123@reddit
Your wife sounds like she has too much time festering in her own head, wondering what your work life is like. On the plus side, she’s mad about you. On the downside, she’s mad about you. My thought is to sit down with her and a wall planner and write up when she is going out. Then make a weekend for you to go out. Make them equivalent. Also, make sure you make a date for doing something with her as a part of you doing something for you and her doing her thing. See if that works?
Practical_Ring_4704@reddit
It doesnt sound healthy. Is there a reason why she's not working? No judgement, I didnt work for a few years because childcare costs made it pretty pointless, but as soon I was in a position to work I jumped at it. Making my own income, having an occupation that is just mine. Pretty important stuff and made me all the better for it.
The things you mention aren't things I'd get worked up at my partner about. Hobby magazines are great - a small cost for an activity that will make him happy. Same with going out or going away. He gets some time and at another point I will too. Peace in relationships should be bare minimum if you ask me. Turns out we are pretty chilled with eachother that it makes us want to enjoy each others company! We also share kids in a blended family so it's hard work. Looking out for eachother often means going with the flow and finding the quickest roads to peace.
tlc0330@reddit
If you have to ask the question, it’s time to leave. Regardless of whether it’s fully “toxic” there’s clearly not something right if you’re ever even wondering. Get out.
Reasonable-Tune7501@reddit
Have a look at the power and control wheel, the behaviours your describing are not healthy- if this is hard to see google ‘power and control wheel’ which shows behaviours of an unhealthy relationship, the equality wheel is the healthy wheel. If you recognise any of these behaviours, you can call helplines for some support and be directed to more local support!
Dirty2013@reddit
Been there got the T shirt, had the meal and all the souvenirs. The best thing I did was leave but it took me 14 years to work it out for myself.
Social media will get you a different answer for almost everyone who replies but none of them know what you’re feeling, how you’ve been treated or how much you’re hurting. Yes they will reply to your comments with their opinions but those opinions are based on their experiences and their thoughts not yours.
You know the relationship is toxic for you or you wouldn’t have put your post up. You’re really looking for reassurances that nobody else can give you……….
As I said walking was the best thing I did for me but for you only you will know
Whereareyouimsosorry@reddit
You both need counselling preferably; alone and couples. Sounds like things have got slowly more intense and your gut feeling has finally got so intense you’re listening to it….
Lots of red flags here that need addressing. She’s way too focused on you, she needs a hobby or something else is going on.. it sounds like it was toxic but now it’s abusive.
Financial control / coercive control; look up the definitions in U.K. law and see if any of it rings true to you.
Connect-County-2435@reddit
RUN.
piper_perri_vs_5guys@reddit
What do you get out it ?
Sounds like nothing and that you are there for the sake of the family. You need to free yourself
SkipMapudding@reddit
This is not normal. It’s making you miserable. It’s very sad that you’ve missed out on family occasions and seeing your friends.
MoanyTonyBalony@reddit
She gets upset about you going on holiday because she thinks you'll do what she does on holiday.
aarontbarratt@reddit
Based and true
DebraUknew@reddit
If you were a woman I’d be thinking of coercive control - not that it would make any difference if you are male of female . It’s just the way my brain went due to working with vulnerable women
But yeah
Red flags im afraid
FeekyDoo@reddit
sorry its just as common the other way round, just a little different in the execution
FelisCantabrigiensis@reddit
Coercive control happens to men too.
INEKROMANTIKI@reddit
I'm sure that nobody would blame you for wanting a new patio
Evening_Common2824@reddit
She sounds like a narcissist, this happened to me for ten years. Lost everything. Control and confinement are some of the tools of a narcissist. Gaslighting another. How often does she try to convince you you said or did something you know you didn't say/do?
Look up the signs of a narcissist, compare, and handle accordingly. It sounds to me like you need to get out before your life is over... Good luck...
elgrn1@reddit
It's hard to say if this would be classed as abusive. It's definitely not healthy and you certainly aren't happy. Your wife certainly seems to be controlling and has one set of rules for you versus herself.
While I get that being married and having children may make you feel like you have no choice but to stay, the reality is that you don't.
It will be harder to separate or divorce and there will need to be an adjustment period for all involved, but if it leads to a healthier and happier life for everyone, especially your children, then you should do this.
Keep a log of all your wife's behaviour with dates and other information. You may decide to divorce under grounds of unreasonable behaviour if you have evidence which will help you when it comes to agreeing where the children's primary residence is and how much access each parent gets.
She will also need to get herself a job and figure out how to pay for a home as alimony is rarely awarded in the UK and any payments made towards the non-resident parent is for the children and not to fund her lifestyle.
Speak with a solicitor and they can advise on next steps. Don't say or agree to anything right now. Get all your ducks in a row.
When the time comes, speak to your children together and explain you both love them very much but you aren't in love with each other anymore so you will be living in 2 houses from now on. Consider therapy if they struggle.
Try to maintain a good coparenting relationship but don't overstep or allow her to either. There are communication tools and resources online for navigating this. Don't get dragged into conflict. Only speak about the children.
Watch out for parental alienation, and counter this by not dragging your ex and always encouraging the children to behave at hers. If you see any worrying signs in their behaviour or health, deal with it immediately, even if it means going back to court.
gerbilshoe@reddit
This is controlling behavior, and is married life for a lot of people :) men and women. Yes its sounds toxic.
Do the best thing for the kids and later when they are ok, do the best thing for yourself.
keerin@reddit
Yes, you are in a relationship with a very controlling woman who doesn't have the courage to work on herself and instead takes out her insecurities on you.
fourthousandeggs@reddit
Your wife does sound majorly controlling, and it seems like she's gaslit you into believing you have mental health problems so she has something to weaponise against you
You say its only been over the last few years but has this behaviour been there the whole time? Or has it gotten worse?
The assumption you're hiding something from her when you're spending money you earnt on a fucking magazine, makes me think that she's projecting and that she's hiding something from you
Domestique_Ecossais@reddit
Obviously don’t know all of the details, but as a general rule, if you’re asking the question you probably already know the answer.
My thought when reading your examples was that your wife sounds very insecure and is trying to keep you all to herself.
If you’re feeling trapped and missing out on things you enjoy, then the relationship isn’t meeting your needs. Which are important. The solution for this depends entirely on you and your wife.
Mr-Incy@reddit
If all you are saying is 100% and there isn't some under lying reason why things are this way, then how have you put up with that for all these years?
With the information provided, it would seem she is extremely selfish and expects to be pampered at all times.
Get yourself out of there and don't stay 'for the children's sake' as the children will be the ones who end up suffering., kids aren't stupid and probably know things aren't all that great.
Vespa_Alex@reddit
None of that sounds normal or healthy, sorry.
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