Any stories of it NOT working out?
Posted by Quiet-Midnight-8169@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 35 comments
Does moving abroad ever just not work out? A little back story from me, moved to Canada in the summer with my partner, both on work visas. We are almost 5 months in and it still just does not feel right. I miss home, I miss what I know, I miss my friends, I miss my family. Partners job is high demand and he doesn't like it. We wanted to come here to upgrade our lives, but we just feel like we've moved sideways instead. We haven't been able to enjoy being here due to just working all the time. This just isn't what we came here for. Our short term lease is up November 30th and we have to make the decision to either go home, sign another short term lease, or sign a 12 month and stick it out. I actually quite like my job here, but that's the only thing I'm enjoying. Winter is coming too and that's not going to help much. How do you cope with the thought of failure? With going back to the same country/area, same type of jobs etc when you initially moved to change your life, but it just hasn't worked out that way? It sucks so bad that we planned for 2-3 years but it could be over after 6 months. I wanted this to go well so badly.
SockdolagerIdea@reddit
I heard it takes four years to integrate anywhere. So like, if you move from one city another, four years. One country to another, four years. One school to another, four years.
Bris_em@reddit
If you go home, you may think of what you could’ve done where you are now, and possibly feel frustration and regret. Also be careful of random deadlines like your lease forcing such a big decision. If you were currently on a year lease, you’d just commit and relax a bit.
What are the reasons you decided to come? You said you haven’t had the time to do those. So try to find solutions that will allow you to do those. Maybe your partner should look for another job. Problem solve what’s not good about things at the moment.
Winter is magical in Canada. Consider what you may miss, like skiing, if you leave. I know when you’re in that over it mindset it is hard to see anything positively, but try to find things around you that may excite or interest you for the future.
There really is no rush to go home other than your self imposed timeline and fear you are wasting time. It might seem pointless to try because as you say, it’s the impermanent feeling that won’t go away, but something made you decide to do this move. It was always going to be impermanent.
It’s fine if you want to go home, but it may be good to have solid reasons. Like you have a plan that makes you excited. Like this experience has made you realise what you can do differently back home that will upgrade your life, so you’re excited about doing that and feel like that’s the right direction. Otherwise you’re just making decisions because of feelings and they change.
Remember it’s natural to miss comfort of home and friends and your culture, it’s where we feel safe and at ease. It would be a bit weird if everything felt so right. It doesn’t mean that what you’ve been doing is wrong.
CuriosTiger@reddit
Like anything else, some people succeed, some people fail. Like anything else, you can do everything right and still not have it work out for you. That said, five months isn't really enough time to make that determination.
I have lived in three countries. My native Norway, the United States and Austria. The US worked out for me. Austria did not.
I moved to Austria in 2001 for work. I lived in Vienna. I spoke some German when I got there, and I became fluent in relatively short order, so it wasn't a language barrier. But culturally, I struggled a bit.
My job was good, but like you, it was the only thing I really enjoyed. I had a hard time making friends, and most of the friends I did make were other expats, not native Austrians. Perhaps I'm the problem, but many other foreigners had a similar experience. It's hard to make Austrian friends when you're not Austrian yourself.
I have asthma, and Austrians smoke like chimneys. Including indoors. I've heard it's gotten better in recent years, but when I lived there, this put real limits on where I could go and what I could do. Including things like which bank I chose and which grocery stores I shopped at. I had far too many meals at the Ikea restaurant just because they banned smoking.
Vienna is beautiful for tourists, but a little less idyllic when you feel your motorcycle tires sliding in literal horse dung on cobblestone. Or when some rude old lady just stares at you through her window as if she disapproves of you parking outside her building -- even though you're in a public parking space and not doing anything wrong.
Not everything was bad. Plenty of people were nice to me, or at least polite. My coworkers were great. I had some enjoyable road trips to surrounding areas, and much of the Austrian countryside is absolutely picturesque. I learned fluent German, as mentioned, and the experience I gained working there kickstarted my career. So I do not regret moving to Austria. But I also do not regret leaving. It was not the country for me.
Friendly_Lie_221@reddit
Hi. I’m Norwegian but I’ve been living in the states for most of my life, I’m heading back to Norway soon and I’d love to hear how you’re feeling about everything now. Do you plan on returning?
CuriosTiger@reddit
I have a lot of feelings right now, but I prefer not to discuss politics on here. I'm happy to discuss privately, though, so feel free to shoot me a DM. In Norwegian if you prefer.
In general terms, I can say that I am happy in Florida and would prefer not to move anywhere. There are some things going on that could eventually force my hand (insurance crisis, cost of living increases, hurricanes) but I'm not there yet. And if I did move, it would likely be to another location in the US.
I have not ruled out moving back to Norway eventually, but that's not in my short-term plans. Perhaps in retirement, but I don't have to worry about that just yet.
MungoJerrysBeard@reddit
I moved to Hong Kong with a pregnant wife and for a new job. We knew apartments were small, but when you throw a newborn with colic into the mix. Hell. And then the job was so toxic with an expectation of overtime every day (with no thanks). Then what time off I had, the price of a pizza with family - yikes, or how the parks are overcrowded with helpers on weekends. The locals weren’t that friendly either. The only benefit was the excellent healthcare. Quit after 18 months and moved to a different country we knew little about and didn’t visit beforehand. It worked out perfectly, thank God!
Slow-Honey-6328@reddit
What about stop comparing with the past and give the current what it needs to be enjoyable? Sometimes you just need to find the reasons not to quit.
ulul@reddit
We moved to UK, stayed there for some, was not bad not great, then we moved to HK and I enjoy it much more and hesitate to move back to home country (although it has always been the plan). Sometimes you don't click with one place but do with another.
MtDoomResident@reddit
They say it takes at least a year to adjust moving out the country
LizP1959@reddit
Yep. I’ve lived overseas successfully and happily (almost a decade in France, moved there from the USA). I’ve lived in London as well, successfully but for a shorter time (only a couple of years).
But one move stands out as the kind of situation you may be thinking of: I was offered a high-prestige job in the UK and took it (no visa problems). Sold our houses and cars in the US, and about 90% of our furniture and clothes, knowing the housing stock is smaller and not as livable there.
After 3 months of living there, I knew I hated the job and the living situations that would be possible there, and additionally one of the key terms of the job had changed for the worse—-but I stuck it out to finish the year (avoiding disruption for my employer over there because of their work calendars). And luckily my old job wanted me back.
Sometimes you just know: when that is the case, don’t lose any more time or effort to the sunk-cost fallacy.
Spirited-Dirt-9095@reddit
It's not a failure if you go back. I've been in Canada for three years (like you, from the UK) and the loneliness and isolation are overwhelming. If you do stay and you want anyone to chat to, don't hesitate to message me.
Mwanamatapa99@reddit
Too soon. Give it more time. It takes a while. Canada is a wonderful country.
Stories-N-Magic@reddit
Absolutely not a failure. Not on your part atleast. You can find many MANY stories similar to you. Pf people who uave moved to other countries, especially to Canada, and absolutely Fucking hated it.
I moved here 9 years ago and it's been hands down the worst decision of my life. This country and culture destroyed me. Killed my spirit. Gave me so kuch trauma. Introduced me to panic attacks for the forst time in my entire life. Destroyed my marriage and took away my financial freedom.
It's the people. The cold nature of the people and the culture. You'll likely NEVER make anynreal friends here. Not even in your "own" community.
I can go on.
I'm stuck because of a number of family responsibilities. Otherwise I'd be 😊 ne in a second.
I HATE it here.
The only thing i love is the public library system where i live. And the Fall season. But Fall hasn't been the same for years now.
I'd give ANYTHING to be able to realize what you're realizing at the 6month timeframe, and go back.
Some countries and cultures are for you, others are not. It's a matter of finding the right fit. Just like a relationship. It's not a failure if it's not a good fit.
Canada is one of the most misunderstood countries imo. People sadly mostake Canadian politeness to be kindness and friendliness. People have no idea how effed up the country's economy is rn, and how bad it's gonna get politically soon. The infrastructure is a joke. How absolutely ridiculous middle class lifestyle here is. Exactly what you're experiencing too. You're so busy working you have no time or energy for anything else.
The only thing they have going for them is the natural beauty in certain places. Is that worth living a miserable life for the rest of your life? You can always visit, and actually go see way more beautiful places.
OliSykesFutureWife@reddit
I totally get this. I visited Ottawa to process my working visa when I was an expat in the US and I found people to be incredibly rude, the city was boring and it was freezing. Would love to know where the 'polite' Canadians are, as they definitely weren't there!
OliSykesFutureWife@reddit
Wouldn't say it was a failure per se, but I left the US after working there for 3.5 years because Trump can in as president and I was sick of working for a PR agency in LA that was ripping off clients. Also missed the work/life balance found in Australia. Was an awesome experience though!
Rsanta7@reddit
My partner and I also moved to Canada (Vancouver) 4 months ago. We also wanted to return to the USA after a year or two here. It is not what we expected. But now we may change our plans and stay longer.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
OP, you are still in the stages of culture shock.
Stay.
Im_the_dude_@reddit
It didn't work out for us in NZ.
PracticeLost7108@reddit
You don't say where are you from. I am from Brazil and I am going to move abroad to Australia in 3 months but my parents are supporting me because even my life being brazilian is very comfortable, I miss go away and see different realities. So living in first world country is my main goal and drive me to achieve my financial dreams. If you were from a developed country, it is ok to come back. Shit happens, believe at least you tried.
homesteadfront@reddit
It could be worse. I moved to Ukraine and integrated into society, got married, bought a house, then a war happened
Friendly_Lie_221@reddit
Jesus Christ I’m so sorry.
GingerSuperPower@reddit
Man, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re safe. I moved to Moscow 4 months before the war happened. Next thing I knew I had no house or job, and everyone hated me because they assumed I supported the wrong side, even though I moved away immediately. 😅
jesusgrandpa@reddit
I dodged a bullet on that one. I stayed in Kyiv for a bit in 2018, and planned to move there. While in the States, Covid happened and then the war.
Waste_Worker6122@reddit
Had a friend who moved to NZ to run the NZ subsidiary of an American company. He loved it. His wife hated it (they are both Americans). She found it like Mayberry RFD and not in a good way. The tensions festered until one day she announced she was moving back to NYC on the next plane; husband was welcome to follow. Or not. She left and husband followed shortly thereafter.
Poorly_disguised_bot@reddit
My grandparents moved to Canada in the early 80s. When my grandmother passed away in the mid-2010s, my grandfather abruptly announced his intention to go back home because he 'always hated Canada'. He just stuck it out because of my grandmother.
Sometimes it just never feels quite right. You just have to figure out what's the best next step for you!
hornylittlegrandpa@reddit
At least in Mexico, the vast majority either move to a new country or go back home within a year. Out of all the other expats I’ve met in 6 years, I can count those who have been here more than 2 years on two hands. Maybe one.
Gilgamesh-Enkidu@reddit
Canada is, in my opinion, a terrible example. I’ve lived in several countries in Asia and Europe and the only place I legitimately had a bad time in was Canada. So many negatives for me living in Canada.
I don’t see a failure at all though. You moved tried something and decided it wasn’t for you. There is no failure here. The failure would have been wondering for the rest of your life what could have been and living with that regret.
YadiAre@reddit
Moved to Germany. Sold almost everything in the US. We moved on a skilled visa and after a several months got approved for the blue card. But we could not find a place to live after 8 months of searching. Started the search in Berlin, and after it became clear that was going to be next to impossible, we started the search in almost all of Germany, hundreds of applications later, increasing budget significantly, we finally gave up. We also couldn't enroll our kids in school without having a permanent address.
Germany doesn't want or need foreigners, it is very xenophobic. The skilled workers shortage is propaganda and is suppressing wages for the IT sector, and the cost of living is high. We took a 55% pay cut and the housing costs were almost the same. My daughter got very sick and when I called emergency services I was hung up on over and over because my German pronunciation was lacking.
hater4life22@reddit
I left Japan after 5 years. That's just life.
Organic-Violinist223@reddit
Moved to France, bought a apartment, had a kid, adopted a cat, bought a car, then lost my job snd moved back to my (not my partner's) native country. I lost out she's still living the expats life
StriderKeni@reddit
It happens more often than we think. Personally, my first time didn't work, but it was a huge life lesson. In the beginning, you may think it was a failure, but then, over time, your negative view changes.
snow_boarder@reddit
My wife and I moved to her home country of Brazil and gave it a two year go before returning back to the US. The job market was bad in Brazil and any jobs offered were not worth fighting traffic or public transportation to get to. Remote jobs paid very poorly there too. After two years we returned home, got jobs, and resettled. We may retire to Brazil later in life but the earning potential here is too great to pass up.
Delicious-Sale6122@reddit
It’s Canada. No one willing moved there…
Maybird56@reddit
I think it takes two years to really settle into a place and decide if you like it. However, if you’re really unhappy, don’t waste time living there.
My partner and I moved somewhere that had some positives, but downsides as well and we didn’t have any strong ties locally. Additionally, my partner was just miserable at work. It’s been just over a year since we gave notice at our jobs with no idea of what we would do next and honestly now looking back, we have zero regrets. It seems a lot more straightforward in retrospect, but I was so scared at the time.
Faith_Location_71@reddit
It's not a failure - you went and did the thing, and you didn't like it. It's absolutely fine to say so honestly and go home.