How do I get my introverted 35 year old partner to make friends?
Posted by hobbitofhobbiton@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 30 comments
Hi AskUK
As the title suggests, I’m looking for ideas for help my partner make some friends.
We have been together for a a decade and last couple years have been in our own house but finding she does not do anything unless it’s see her parents or myself. She is becoming more Introverted as time goes on and She is currently suffering with the stress of (hypothetically) losing a parent and finding herself alone.
I spend lots of time with her as I personally don’t have a huge social circle but I’m finding myself in a position where seeing my friends now can cause issues, particularly if it’s an evening thing.
I seem to have friends from old work that I’ve stayed in touch with, musicians or cyclists as those are my hobbies.
I’d love for her to find a way of finding herself in a social circle otherwise I fear she will fall into her own prison of our house.
She loves gardening but naturally it’s a very Introverted hobby and I’ve suggested birdwatching as she loves this but I’m not sure where to start and she doesn’t seem appetised.
I want to help her and support her, Can anyone suggest some ideas that will help her find a friend group?
TheToyGirl@reddit
One big thing...introvert doesn't mean shy. Introverts need to recharge by being alone. Extroverts charge their batteries by being around people.
Is she just shy/depressed/anxious/scared?
Maybe try an introvert/extrovert test online. Say that you read this somewhere and are curious what you are and they are.
Maybe she was good at socialising before? Maybe just needs a decent out or boundaries for outside world?
Defo don't say this ' oh..ypu need to meet xxx, you'll get on really well'. That's a killer!
banjo_fandango@reddit
Does she actually want friends? Some people are perfectly fine with partner/house/family.
hobbitofhobbiton@reddit (OP)
She gets upset she doesn’t have any so yes she does.
Racing_Fox@reddit
Getting upset about not having friends doesn’t mean someone wants to make friends
Ive got maybe 2 friends one of which lives abroad and the other lives a few hours away and I might message them once a month or so.
Sure I’d like more friends because when my partner does stuff with her friends I’m left with nothing to do, does that mean I actually want to go out and make friends? No, not necessarily, past university friends take a lot of time and energy to make and most of the time I’m simply too tired to want to go out and make friends or see friends I’ve already got.
If you have existing friends seeing them once a month or whatever is fine, new friends don’t work like that. Also, the anxiety of meeting new people and the fear of rejection is so massive, I’ll go out to find friends for a day and spend a week analysing and overthinking everything I’ve said to them then if they message me after that it’s more stress thinking of the right response.
So ask her. Does she actually want to make friends as opposed to just have friends
banjo_fandango@reddit
I get/say I'm a bit sad sometimes because I don't really have any friends - but when it actually comes down to it I'm perfectly happy with home/family/partner and the only reason I'm sad is because although I'm ok I think it makes me seem weird.
depressedblondeguy@reddit
I say this all the time, but as soon as I'm around other people I want them to leave or I leave myself. I'm perfectly content being by myself, but sometimes I feel pressure to go outside and have friends because that's apparently the normal thing to do
WrestlingFan95@reddit
Are you sure 100%? Many think they know what someone wants thinking they are helping them but for many time alone is the dream which is hard for those that are scared to ever be on their own.
No-Body-4446@reddit
Dude asks how he can help his mrs make friends
Redditors tell him she doesn’t want friends as they cannot fathom being social.
In answer to your question, gym classes seem to do well. My ex moved in with me in a new city and she started doing pole/aerial/hoop whatever it is and she met loads of pals there.
banjo_fandango@reddit
Redditors ask him if he's sure she wants friends, extrovert redditors cannot fathom that some people are not as social as they are...
Black_Fish_Research@reddit
What about looking at the local allotments or gardening clubs?
Both tend to be social but not full on.
Late-Champion8678@reddit
1) Does she want to make friends? If she is content, there is nothing to do.
2) If she DOES want to make friends then she needs to think about why she finds it difficult. Introversion is not the same as social anxiety.
I’m introverted. I don’t go out of my way to make and retain new friends. I have 2 that I would make an effort to see every few weeks (and they understand that about me) otherwise, I am content with my own and my cats’ company.
I don’t have social anxiety at all.
3) If you have kids, are there parents she can meet occasionally for tea/coffee? Whether in a cafe or if they come to your house.
4) Does she work? Are there colleagues she likes enough to talk to outside of work and perhaps meet occasionally?
5) If she is a SAHM, there are volunteer groups like Meals on Wheels which would give her the opportunity to meet new people, especially elderly folk who may be lonely.
It boils down to HER making the effort to try or to seek help to understand what her barrier is. You can’t fix it for her.
Commercial_Slip_3903@reddit
Meetup
Desperate-Eye1631@reddit
Hobby groups and volunteering make sense as they will attract other single people looking to meet people.
ClaryClarysage@reddit
There are usually lots of hobby groups around - my little town has knit and natter (in the pub!), model trains, crochet bombers, the local art group, and in a bit wider are things like nature walk groups, board/card/war gaming groups, craft clubs... I'd deffo suggest going to some workshops and clubs, maybe you could go together? If she's interested in learning anything arty then painting and craft classes are a great way to meet people. I teach needle felt classes at my shop and everyone always ends up chatting away to each other.
Rude-Possibility4682@reddit
Any night school classes near you that may pique her interest.
DiDiPLF@reddit
It gets harder to make new friends as you get older. Probably better to reconnect with any old ones, maybe invite them round for a games night or dinner? Otherwise she could flog herself going round to various things and still not make any friends which will probably make everything worse.
Katietori@reddit
Volunteering with a local conservation charity? Getting into gardening and going along to occasional useful talks by the RHS? Outside of work or a religious group (which you don't mention) I think the main way you make new friends as an adult is by doing something you enjoy and making the choice to spend time with others who have similar interests. She doesn't have to be best friends with these people, but simply being out of the house and spending time with them sounds like a big step forwards for the moment.
waxfutures@reddit
There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, why try to fix something that isn't broken?
Minimum_Possibility6@reddit
Introversion isn't social anxiety
VeridicalVagabond@reddit
As a very introverted person myself, I'd say first port of call is to check she actually wants friends. Some of us really don't need it and are happy in our own company. If she's giving you grief about you spending time with your friends that's a separate issue and won't necessarily be solved by her making her own.
That being said, an allotment is a great way for a gardening enthusiast to both get out of the house and have a bit of social interaction outside of family once in a while.
Consistent_Dust_2332@reddit
Book group? Once a month round people's houses & she could read when you're out?
Is it meeting people or staying in touch that she struggles with?
hobbitofhobbiton@reddit (OP)
Meeting is the issue
ConsidereItHuge@reddit
It sounds like she's suffering from some form of anxiety, I'd ask her to look up the symptoms online and make an appointment with her GP if it fits.
fiddly_foodle_bird@reddit
Maybe she's happier in her own company?
huskydaisy@reddit
If she's introverted, trying to get her to go off on her own is probably a bit of a non-starter, especially considering what else is going on in her life. Is there something you could both do together to get out and meet new people, leading to couple friends and then potentially her building relationships on her own?
If gardening and nature are her jam, woodland and wildlife trusts across the country will be running volunteer woodland coppicing parties until easter. I coppice for my local wildlife trust and I fucking love it, so I'm completely biased. But honestly it's great fun and you meet a lot of people you never would have otherwise.
I think you do need to look at why seeing your friends is causing issues though, it sounds like you may be wanting different dynamics so it is probably going to be worthwhile having a frank conversation with each other about each of your own expectations for the relationship and seeing how you can work towards meeting both sides.
Indigo-Waterfall@reddit
Does she want to make friends?
Inevitable_Sea_54@reddit
why does you going out in the evening cause issues?
also, outdoor volunteering groups. tree nursery charities, etc
Dr-Moth@reddit
If you have kids, they can make friends and then you can become friends with their parents.
Alternatively, drop-in activity sessions at the sports centre are good.
OkClimate7128@reddit
You don’t
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