Favorite esoteric ways to fix tech?

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er1catwork@reddit

I have a Voodoo doll (from Brazil), that I bring to nagging problems. Mysteriously, the problems go away….

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Ziegelphilie@reddit

For some reason our coffee machine never has issues taking a new cartridge if I slap it lewdly and finger the plastic bag a bunch before inserting it.

This wasn't in the job description

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DazPoseidon@reddit

The reals question is, if it has issues when you're not slaping and fingering it

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I find that turning up with a second IT colleague will get it to start working, if not then try roping in a 3rd colleague. If the Aura of 3 IT techs doesnt fix it, then it is truly lost and can be set on fire as an offering to the tech gods, to fill up your aura for the next problem

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LeTrolleur@reddit

I once slapped the top of a faulty monitor with a dodgy flickering screen like the Fonz and it was magically fixed. This was directly in front of my new boss at the time too, so I looked like a literal Wizard.

I honestly wish there was CCTV of it.

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Bleglord@reddit

Preemptively pull up task manager to get the threat established

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asedlfkh20h38fhl2k3f@reddit

I pull up Task Manager just to get the computer to listen to me sometimes. It works every time. If the computer is frozen or an app won't close, just pull up task manager and Windows is just like "oh alright fine we'll cooperate"

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IndividualMastodon85@reddit

Decent video on YT about the history of Task Manager's development from the guy who created it. Worth a watch

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Durende@reddit

I know we value googling skills, but you could have included a source. I assume you are talking about Dave's Garage? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve95Nh690l0

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IndividualMastodon85@reddit

Thanks, yes that's it.

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frankztn@reddit

Also how I tell if I’m getting windows back or I have to reboot. 😂

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prog-no-sys@reddit

literally not a joke, this actually does wake up windows in certain instances lmao. Use it often

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StaticFanatic3@reddit

That initial loading of task manager definitely uses a serious amount of clocks

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bartoque@reddit

Using (just enough) excessive force and/or gravitational pull.

Like dropping an apparent bricked hdd drive on the floor so that it might just be able to turn its platters on long enough to make a last full image backup. Does not work that well with ssd's however.

For the life of me can't recall what it was anymore, but something electric wasn't turning on not that long ago, which the missus was pointing out. Had a look at it and in the end I simply hit it (the thing that is, not the missus) after which it got turned on (again the thing...).

Only mentioned it worked again. Didn't have the audacity to tell how it was solved however... Don't wanna have the rest of the household "smacking to solve problems" (again - as said before - smacking things, just to be clear).

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lawn-man-98@reddit

My missus gets turned on when I smack some things. (The things, not the missus).

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Durende@reddit

I dunno, your missus could be the type to get turned on if you're a little rough

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Impossible_IT@reddit

Similarly was the freezer method to recover data from a spinning rust HDD. Recovered 1TB of data using this method, albeit maybe half a dozen trips to the freezer.

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noitalever@reddit

I had a mini fridge below one of my DR chassis and a very long sata cable and power for this purpose. Would stick it in there and wait an hour and then fire it up. Worked more often than I thought it would.

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bob_cramit@reddit

Done the freezer trick many times 20+ years ago, never really understood why it worked just that it did. I thought I knew some secret tech voodoo passed down from the older techs, but later found out it was common knowledge.

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rosseloh@reddit

The one time I had this work for a significant customer, it wasn't even the freezer - it was pure luck that it was the middle of January in the upper midwest and the customer had declined to pay DriveSavers. Came back one day in the UPS truck and happened to have been out in the cold for four hours (being mid-January, think like, 20 below zero fahrenheit daylight max temp) - plugged it in on a whim when it came back and it spun up. Couldn't believe my eyes.

The customer was happy to pay a lower rate (since we did barely anything except copy the data), we got a partial Drivesavers commission even though they didn't continue with the work....All in all, a decent day.

I did try it several other times when the customer just did not want to give up on a drive (nor pay for professional recovery), and I think there was only other one time that it got even close to working.

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greywolfau@reddit

Got it, refer to wife and kids as 'things'. Shitty life pro tip confirmed.

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mic2machine@reddit

I keep a white-rubber diagnostic mallet for these percussive maintenance occasions. Leaves fewer marks...

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tsavong117@reddit

Good thought. Gonna snag that.

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Disturbed_Bard@reddit

I feel this in my soul

Been bashing my head against one printer in particular

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primalsmoke@reddit

Sacrifice an end user.

Pray after each Microsoft update.

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wideace99@reddit

Is it necessary that end user to be virgin ?!

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notHooptieJ@reddit

we cant lose that many IT co-workers.

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wideace99@reddit

That was also my fear... we searched for virgins in the marketing and sales departments without success... :)

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primalsmoke@reddit

Another thing, the best sysadmins were virgins till a late age, by taking virgins we'd be culling the seed of future generations of sysadmins.

Who knows what RFC will be brought to existence by a current virgin?

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primalsmoke@reddit

That was in the day of CGA monitors and floppy fisks, things have changed now...

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mineral_minion@reddit

Ba'al Gates isn't picky.

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Moist-Chip3793@reddit

Chickens are almost as efficient as goats, when it comes to the sacrifice part, if you go by the 3-chickens-to-1-goat rule.

Also, they are easier to store.

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jam-and-Tea@reddit

I lived in a house with five other students and the wifi router kept getting knocked down. We couldn't move it, so I built a shrine to it. Whenever we were having wifi trouble, someone would suggest praying to the wifi gods.

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notHooptieJ@reddit

Progress bars not moving? SHAKE THE WINDOW.

it sounds like absurdity.

Boss and i remoted into the same computer waiting 30mins on an update.

sheer frustration makes me shake the window with the stalled progress bar.

Behind the progress window was a pop up "continue?"

Shake the windows like they're a crying baby; sometimes the solution falls out of their diaper.

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ShadowSlayer1441@reddit

Some random installation script hangs unless you give it a few inputs. Now I'm always tempted to try it.

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b_0n3r@reddit (OP)

I’ve had the same but with the USMT, stuck on a profile at 30% for an hour, so frustratingly I mash enter in CMD, and it jumps ahead like 4 profiles

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pumpnut@reddit

I do this too! I have to disable Aero Shake on my workstation the first time I use it to avoid the minimize-all effect.

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doxology02@reddit

Make peace with the technology before trying to fix it.

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AegorBlake@reddit

Creating a new outlook profile.

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shikkonin@reddit

Carry a crowbar threateningly.

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sobrique@reddit

We have a meter of 3-phase cable that serves the same purpose.

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Unable-Entrance3110@reddit

A similar length of 25 pair with an Amphenol also works...

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ARobertNotABob@reddit

Amphenol

Haven't seen that name for 40years ... I was in procurement for RACAL who made Clansman tactical radios.

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HerrHauptmann@reddit

RACAL didn't make DTUs as well? I remember these from the old Frame Relay network days.

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shikkonin@reddit

IEC 60309 to RJ-45?

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DoctorOctagonapus@reddit

Good old Etherkiller!

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bws7037@reddit

Back in the thin net days, I made one of those and wanted to use it so damn bad... Stupid ethics and safety concerns.

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sobrique@reddit

Some really chunky underground mains cable. Stuff big enough that you can't put your hand around it.

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shikkonin@reddit

Ah, kinetic pain instead of electric.

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MadLagomorph@reddit

I have a 2lb lump “Hard Reset Wand” (labelled). My colleagues seem to cheer up when I bring it on call-outs.

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Akmed_Dead_Terrorist@reddit

It’s for resetting users, right?

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MyUshanka@reddit

The One Grit

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ARobertNotABob@reddit

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/dankpods/images/b/b9/One_Grit.png

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OhBuggery@reddit

We had "The Reboot Hammer" at my last place

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iwillbewaiting24601@reddit

I've got an old Louisville Slugger given to me by an SAO worker for my assistance in a case years ago, called "the Junior Inspector", who assists in such endeavors.

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wtf_com@reddit

Purity Seals all the way.

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TheGilmore@reddit

Once I grow impatient, I start to talk crap about how slow it is or what have you. 60% of the time, it works every time.

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SysAdmin_Acc@reddit

smooshing ThinkPads where their keyboard connector is to fix keyboard issue.

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Baron_Ultimax@reddit

Aw man i got a whole bunch of little i do called applied superstition. 1. Always test it before ya screw the chassis back together. 2. A whatched pot never boiles applies to filetransfers and installers. 3. Technicians presence, The Knack, ect. where the issue resolves itself because a tech is looking at it. This is the result of some form of psycic aura. Its an inate ability. Some people just have it. And i have observed the inverse effect in some of my users where stuff just stops working for no rational reason.

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bws7037@reddit

I find that sacrificing a chicken (when KFC has coupons) is a great tactic. But when that doesn't work I turn to my infallible back up of armor piercing ammunition. That always gets spectacular results.

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i8noodles@reddit

i once had some incense and performed a ritual of liturgy with my fellow IT admins when we were moving over the blade server.

granted it was a short prayer and we only moved it down like 1 slot. originally i wanted to do it right in front of the server but it was a data centre so obviously cant. i ended up printing a photo instead and used it as a proxy. buring it with the incense to praise the ommisiah.

we had had like 6 hours to move a single server and only had to plug it in while the other sys admin did there thing so we had alot of time

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pebz101@reddit

I imply forbidden knowledge to my tech.

My tech knows it's trash and knows I won't hesitate to replace it with more trash if it fails.

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AttackonCuttlefish@reddit

r/shittysysadmin

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c4ctus@reddit

I have legitimately used the freezer trick to make a hard drive work long enough to pull data for a user that didn't have backups.

I felt like a god.

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JohnOxfordII@reddit

Perform the yearly atonement and device sacrifice before the all mighty AS400 and be unburdened and all devices will fix themselves as soon as you arrive to their physical location.

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tsavong117@reddit

Ah, a fellow believer.

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whitewail602@reddit

My first IT job was working for a school system in the late 90s. We had purchased and IBM had donated a lot of computers. We were putting one in each classroom and setting up several labs in each school. One of my two managers was an ex-IBM engineer. He knew his shit down to the electricity running through it. The other one was a sixth grade math teacher who always had an Apple II lab for a classroom. We're in Alabama, and he played up the whole "Oh I'm just a dumb country boy" and "Simple minded folk like shiny things" thing, but if you were around him long enough you would realize how stunningly intelligent he is.

So we were in one of the schools and I was standing there with the engineer boss in a talking circle with several IBM engineers. Country boss comes walking up with a computer and said, "This computer will not work in that classroom. It will work in other classrooms, and others will work in that classroom. But this one will not work in that classroom".

I could see the IBM guys trying to hide their smirks. They all tried to tell him how impossible this is was as he adamantly told them that it was apparently not. They were being super patronizing and I could see engineer boss was embarrassed as fuck.

So one of them grabs the computer and goes in the classroom while the rest of us go about with the rest of the installs. At the end of the day we were back in the circle discussing the state of the union. This was like 2 to 4 hours later and we had forgotten about earlier. Well, out of the classroom comes the IBM genius looking like someone just walked all over his grave. You could tell how much it hurt when he looked and country boss and said, "You're right. This computer will not work in that particular classroom." So we stuck it in another classroom and never had a problem with it.

While I'm at it. Another funny story from this time was when they were showing us the server, an IBM engineer told us about the 10 gigabyte hard drive all proud and shit. Country boss said, "What do we do when we fill that up?". IBM Guy didn't bother hiding the disdain when he said, "There is no way you're ever going to fill up a 10 Gigabyte hard drive". Ofc a year later we were figuring out what to do about our full 10 gigabyte hard drive.

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Grrl_geek@reddit

Goats are the tried and true sacrificial accessory.

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scoldog@reddit

Do we still use SCSI?

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dave200204@reddit

Just keep staring at the goats. The rest will sort itself out.

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scoldog@reddit

I have a picture of an electrical storm hanging above the workbench where I fix computers.

There is a desk out the back of the office labelled the IT graveyard. It has the stripped and destroyed remains of IT equipment. Whenever IT equipment fails, I parade it in front of the IT graveyard desk a few times. Seems to scare them straight after I repair them.

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soulless_ape@reddit

Whisper to the hardware, I will fix you, or you will become scrap. Your move.

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Dolapevich@reddit

I keep around a cable connected to 220V and look at it viciusly when something electric does not cooperate.

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atreus421@reddit

Make an offering to the Priests of the Temple of Syrinx.

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Unable-Entrance3110@reddit

Their great computers fill the hallowed halls!

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eXtc_be@reddit

All hail to Geddy, Neil and Alex

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SikhGamer@reddit

I'm a SWE. Actually reading the documentation, the errors, and then following the scientific method to rule things out one by one works 100% of the time.

You'd be amazed at how often the average SWE just makes shit up and throws shit at the fan expecting it to smell of roses.

I've been told I make it look like magic, which is infuriating. I'm literally being an engineer.

A bit tongue in cheek, but it's my definition of esoteric.

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therabidsmurf@reddit

Platter drive failing? Pull it out and hide it in the freezer. Got some weird looks the three times I've done it. Power and SATA cables running out the freezer and me nervously watching a progress bar.

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asedlfkh20h38fhl2k3f@reddit

Tell all staff that we are now in a BYOD world and they now have to own their own security too. Then lay myself off, they'll figure it out.

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SayNoToStim@reddit

A lot of times I will fix stuff remotely, then stop by their desk and "fix" it by smacking their monitor. If I think they have a sense of humor I'll say ", , all made in Taiwan."

To date no one has laughed.

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adsarelies@reddit

Using my superpower of simply standing next to the tech, and it would decide to behave. All the users in our org can attest to that phenomenon.

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SonOfDadOfSam@reddit

I'm a big fan of the "If you leave a problem long enough it will solve itself" method. Also, I'm practiced in the art of laying on hands.

I also find that injecting steroids into the gerbils that keep older systems running can help improve performance, although it does reduce runtime. And they sometimes murder each other.

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Iseult11@reddit

If you lost connectivity to remote equipment, there is often something else on the same subnet you can chain SSH into to get to it.

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Candid_Ad5642@reddit

I give you the Willhelm Tell method of fixing anything emblazed with a half eaten fruit

Place the device upright against a sturdy wall

Take 10 steps back

Load your crossbow and place a bolt through the fruit logo

Replace with similar device with an OS that makes sense

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swissthoemu@reddit

Holy water!

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robert5974@reddit

I put my hand underneath the troublesome device and give it a tickle. I've gotten good feedback.

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b_0n3r@reddit (OP)

Does the tickle underneath method work with PEBKAC issues?

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robert5974@reddit

Sometimes, but you need consent. They'll need to fill out a ID 10T form as well

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imnotaero@reddit

This one's real, but it was a legitimate favorite.

A couple years ago, browsers tried to be "helpful" by auto-loading the tabs the user previously had open if/when the browser closed suddenly. This meant that when a user tried to restart their computer to get out of a browser hijack, the same pages with the same scam alerts popped right back up, creating an impression of legitimacy.

The solution was to unplug the ethernet cable so the pages can't load, then close the tabs gracefully. Not at all complicated, but not necessarily obvious, either. Really like this one.

(Nowadays, the browsers ask if you want your old tabs back.)

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TKInstinct@reddit

Didn't they always ask though? Maybe I'm wrong but I remember prompts being a thing as far back as Firefox 1.5 if I remember correctly.

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imnotaero@reddit

Definitely not for Chrome and Edge, as I witnessed that personally. It wasn't any setting I was deploying to them. Can't say for Firefox.

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kinvoki@reddit

Pretty sure you are correct. I think it was an option like "don't ask again" that was pre-checked.

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kiddj1@reddit

Before every major project we sacrifice a goat to the DNS gods

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My_Big_Black_Hawk@reddit

Gather more tasks than I can possibly handle, which will ward off other meaningless tasks and help with clarity for the important stuff. There’s always too much work.

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neckbeard404@reddit

Pro tip: I started a side hustle as a goat farmer, and now management buys all the goats from me. Once HR and accounting realized how much IT saved, they started buying from me too.

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wells68@reddit

Rinse the coffee spill out of the laptop and then tumble it in a clothes dryer on Low. Thanks to a comment on r/MSP about a customer's fix.

Why didn't I think of that? It's so much faster than my approach of putting it in an oven after rinsing with tap water!

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TKInstinct@reddit

Is this a real thing or are you just fucking with me right now?

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wells68@reddit

There really was a hard-working laborer customer employed in a very small business who put their laptop in a clothes dryer and brought it in to the MSP asking them to fix it. The screen was badly shattered, hinge broken and case badly cracked. The tech said "Just a minute," and got the MSP owner to handle it. The customer bought a new laptop.

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Moontoya@reddit

Flash paper, fake blood, KFC lunch remnants and a rubber chicken .....

Sometimes you gotta put on a show to justify billing a chunk of change to press a fuckin power button

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cbelt3@reddit

My personal favorite is to deny the equipment food. Turn off the power. Lecture it while it’s off, that you control its very life.

Works about 90% of the time.

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alarmologist@reddit

I built a gremlin shrine with the abandoned desk tchotchkes of our fallen comrades. I do office archeology (i.e. crawl under desks) to find the most ancient vendor swag and forgotten ornaments to use as our talisman of protection against the capricious whims of our old nemesis, the gremlins.

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