What support is available to my girlfriend going through crisis?

Posted by No-Spread-47@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 31 comments

We live in England, I love her and she desperately needs help with her crazy life.

She has 2 teenage children and one 5 year old nonverbal autistic child, all from her previous marriage.

She has MS, PTSD from repeated sexual and emotional abuse, she has been off work due to stress for nearly a year, has untreated ADHD, is on antidepressants, has autism, and is beginning to undergo menopause.

She divorced her emotionally abusive partner 2 years ago, he is an alcoholic and refuses to take care of his children beyond paying a pittance of child support and seeing the teenagers at most 1 day per fortnight.

Her teenage son started to get violent this year, he smashed up 8 televisions, destroyed bits of walls, threw knives at windows, punched his sister, almost seriously injured the 5 year old by punching a bag with a glass jar near her head, and threatened to kill his mum in his sleep. He is a huge danger to everyone in the family.

Following these events my girlfriend phoned social services and they are accommodating him for now, and since then they have been investigating her and they are destroying her life. Her son has shown no significant signs of change and they are bullying her to take him back, threatening to take away her other children if she doesn't. She adores her 5 year old and this would totally destroy her. She has requested an advocate to help argue her side given her ADHD and Autism but it may not be possible due to long waiting lists.

She still manages to take excellent care of her children despite her current situation, but social care are constantly reaching for any excuse to criticize her parenting, saying things like having a relationship at this time is inconsiderate to her children, that she shouldn't be drinking at all, and berating her when her 5 year old came into school with a small mud stain on her clothes.

Her teenagers are spoilt by their grandparents who are way more financially comfortable than my girlfriend, creating unrealistic expectations for her. Both her teenagers and her mum have utter contempt for my girlfriend. Her son videoed her while drunk once and shared it with social care, her teenage daughter constantly lies and exaggerates events that have happened to social care and they do not question it. Her mum constantly scolds her for leaving her husband and resents being asked to help with childcare. Social care have not acknowledged any evidence she has provided of her ex's abuse.

She recently bought a house and the renovation work has put her into debt, we have been constantly let down by cowboy tradesmen.

I do everything I can for her but it's not always enough. Her life is so busy that she doesn't even have time to go to the doctor or get tested for cervical cancer; she is overdue at least a year; and social care have added such a huge burden to her life that she regrets calling them in the first place.

I am totally at a loss right now as to what can be done to help her. I also do realize this is all very one sided but I don't think it will be long until her mental health snaps at this rate and I could really do with any advice at all.

TL;DR:

My girlfriend is physically ill with challenging mental health conditions, she has extremely demanding children and her family hate her, social services are unrightfully bullying her and threatening to take away her 5 year old disabled daughter who she adores if she doesn't take her violent son back, she is insanely overworked with her responsibilities and she in a tough financial spot. What can be done to help her?

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KeyLog256@reddit

Well firstly apologies for the absolutely disgusting cowards who are downvoting your thread. Imagine having such little empathy and being such a miserable loser you try to hide something like this so other people can't help. Utterly baffling and maddening.

It sounds like a very difficult and sad situation she's in, and there's not much I can think of off the top of my head. I'd personally suggest you need to do what you can to help her out with day to day life.

Social services are an utter disgrace frankly, but I would advise perhaps reaching out to Citizen's Advice to see if there's anything they can do. If Social Services are acting without her or the kids best intentions, that's definitely grounds for a negligence complaint and having new case workers put onto the case.

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No-Spread-47@reddit (OP)

Thank you I will give that a try. She is a vulnerable person around men and Social Services are, against her wishes, bringing up her history of being sexually abused and trying to argue that since she has had trouble protecting herself then this puts her children in greater danger. They don't seem to care that they are making her relive the trauma of those events. We notified everyone in the social care meetings that we are unhappy and want a change of social workers and they have not even acknowledged this. It is horrible.

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BoringWardrobe@reddit

I'm going to try and be as careful as I can with this response because these things are very nuanced. I have personal experience of sexual assault and coercive control in a relationship and I have experienced victim blaming from the police when I reported it so just to make it very clear that I am NOT victim blaming in any way - I'm adding a perspective.

She is a vulnerable person around men and Social Services are, against her wishes, bringing up her history of being sexually abused

Unfortunately, her history of abuse is relevant. It sounds like this abusive relationship happened in her children's lifetime. They may have seen, heard or been aware of these awful things happening. This experience may make them feel scared and unsafe. That experience may also have, and it sounds from your post like it has, had a lasting impact on her too.

Moving past those experiences, for all of them, is a long journey, requiring lots of self-reflection, connection together and work. Hard work. Until that work has been effective, which will be shown by things in the family being more settled, that history will remain relevant and something that social care need to consider.

she has had trouble protecting herself then this puts her children in greater danger.

The reality is that someone who has been abused may struggle to identify abusive situations in the future, for themselves and others. I personally have excused horrendous behaviour of friends partners based on my own abusive experiences. It has taken a long time for me to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like.

It may feel that she is being accused of failing to protect them, but I hope that this is being said with more empathy. It might be harder for her to do so because of her past. That isn't her fault, but it might be true. Equally, she may be totally fine - I don't know her - but again, it's something to consider if you are a professional service trying to support a struggling family.

Sometimes this is talked about it terms of 'capacity'. Someone who has had a perfectly happy, balanced childhood, experienced only the normal amount of adversity, financially secure with stable relationships and a great support system might be working at 100%. They might be able to handle anything thrown at them, in the short term. What if that difficulty goes on, day after day? They might lose 1% of their ability to cope each day. In 100 days, that 100% person will be at their wits end. Now say you have been abused. Maybe now you only ever work at 80% on your best day. Now say you lose your job and you struggle financially. The best day might only be 40%. Send over a minor health concern and an argument with a friend and you're right down to 5%. Can you parent effectively at 5%? Maybe. But maybe it's really really hard. Maybe that child you are parenting is traumatised and acting out. Maybe to parent that struggling child, you actually need 120%.

With everything your girlfriend seems to have going on, it sounds like she needs 150%, but it also sounds like she doesn't have that to give.

That is where working with services is so important, to try and boost those other resources to get that extra 20% you need to keep going.

They don't seem to care that they are making her relive the trauma of those events.

I am sorry if services aren't being empathetic towards her. She's clearly in a very difficult situation. As I hope I've said here, it is unfortunately very relevant to consider the impact trauma has on her and her children and so it can't be ignored or brushed past. However, it should be dealt with sensitively. I would absolutely recommend getting in touch with any local or national domestic abuse services for support and advocacy, as well as mental health services for herself. I think you've also mentioned alcohol - this can very easily become a way of escaping trauma and is likely best avoided (especially whilst caring for children).

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New-Foot-511@reddit

That is utterly appalling that social services are doing that. Complain and ask for new workers to review her case asap!!!

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Glad-Pomegranate6283@reddit

Just out of curiosity how can you tell if a thread has been downvoted ? I’m still getting used to Reddit

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huskydaisy@reddit

At the bottom left of each post there is an up arrow and a down arrow with a number in between which tells you how the votes have stacked up.

All posts start at 1 (which is basically the poster's automatic upvote for their own comment or post) and then other people get to downvote (-1) or upvote (+1).

Right now this post is showing up arrow, "45", then down arrow. Which means the post is at 45 upvotes. If the number is 0 or starts with a "-" it means it has been downvoted.

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Elastichedgehog@reddit

Most posts don't tend to show negative karma totals (they'll just sit at 0, unless you also downvoted it). You'll see it with comments though.

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huskydaisy@reddit

Oh yeah, I've never really noticed that.

emmaa5382@reddit

It’s not very useful as it is a big money pit but thought I would give the actual costs if it helps down the line.

I ended up going private adhd assessment and these are the costs:

£1500 assessment

Around £100 prescription cost a month

£225 per 30min check in appointment you have to do every month in order to ensure you’re on the right meds at the right dose in order to get the prescription until they are happy with what you’re on.

It’s extortionate and ridiculous but after so many years of struggling my whole family managed to scrape it together.

I’m not suggesting this as an option but letting you know the breakdown of it was something you were wondering about. You also need a gp referral which is around £175 for 15 min appointment and £150 for the blood and ecg tests needed by the clinic but you might be able to get nhs to do a private referral.

I’m sorry and I know it’s probably useless info right now

BrieflyVerbose@reddit

I was going to go down this route but the NHS won't help in the future. I was told if I went private then I must go private regarding it in the future (meds, ect ) and I already have a diagnosis through my university.

You can have a shared care agreement where the nhs takes the diagnosis and prescription but your gp has to agree to it. Haven’t got to that point myself but it can happen. They won’t take anything under investigation or if you’ve not settled down on a medication yet but after they might. I think it help if your gp does a referral for you but I don’t know for sure

It's a 4 year waiting list through the GP. I need the help now as I'm in university, 4 years is too late. I've not bothered, just get my head down and hope I don't fail again.

you can ask your gp to do a referral to a private practice. some of the private practices offer sessions to learn how to manage things and i dont think you necessarily need a diagnosis for some of those too. I know its shit i waited 3 years before being told it will be two more and then ended up having a breakdown hence my family paying private.

the whole system is fucked rn but there are still some useful resources to be found.

adhdoers is one i found which is a site where you can buy a download link to a bunch of ADHD workbooks that ive found really useful. It also works on a "pay what you can" system so its open to everyone.

Thank you very nuch

Gelid-scree@reddit

Her son sounds like he has been through a lot - kids don't act like this for no reason. Possibly the previous abusive relationship has something to do with it.

Social services will have allocated her a social worker - is she engaging with them? Asking for mental health support for herself and CAMHS for the son, etc? You need to work with social services, not against them.

Her son is clearly not safe to be around. He is making threats to kill and she has a five year old daughter, he needs to be in residential care with medical attention.

Impossible-Fruit5097@reddit

Do you live with your girlfriend? I’m just wondering how much you actually see because, if we disregard the social workers. You say that she is managing to take excellent care of her children, but it appears her older children disagree & her mother disagrees. Are they all out to get her or are they seeing something that you are not?

Your description basically says her older children are awful and she adores the five-year-old. Do you think they can tell that she feels that way? Because yes it’s difficult for the mother but it’s also bloody difficult for the siblings when they get much younger and disabled sibling which suddenly takes away all of their mothers attention. The domestic violence relationship she was in and then trauma of the divorce for your girlfriend also impacted her children.

Your girlfriend also needs to take some responsibility for not making her own life harder. With all of the above already going on why on earth would she buy a house requiring renovation when it is widely known how stressful that is? And I’m not even sorry about this one, but if you are actively being investigated by social care for your parenting why would you be visibly drunk to the point that your child could film it and share it with them? If she was having a glass of wine on an evening social care wouldn’t care but if she’s getting visibly drunk when she’s got a five-year-old in her care and is already being investigated I’m not surprised they’re telling us she shouldn’t drink.

Her mother sounds like a knob and she should 100% not be criticising for someone leaving an abusive relationship but also your girlfriend needs to stop relying on childcare if she’s made clear that she’s not okay with that. Your girlfriend isn’t working right now and all of her children are school age so why is she relying on her mother for that?

Child on parent domestic violence is one of the hardest things you can go through and I’m truly sorry that she is going through all of this and you have to witness it. But she needs to engage with social care and actually take their advice, they are watching like a hawk and needs to act like she is being watched all times. I agree with the other posters that you can contact domestic violence charities for help and advice.

TemporaryLucky3637@reddit

This is one of the only sensible replies.

Is it more likely that this woman’s children, mother, children’s social worker and the child’s school are conspiring against her or are there some legitimate concerns that OP can’t see because he’s too close to the situation?

poocleaner-@reddit

Childrens social worker here! Are the children on a plan at all. The level of violence in the home they should be open under a child protection plan (not a bad thing just that the oldest is displaying high level of violence). Your gf needs a IDVA, she also needs support from Children with Disabilities team for her autistic son, she may receive hours or respite to give her a bit of a break.

Is the oldest placed under a s.20 if so she does not need to take him back, if she does it should be a phased return! SS funding is tight. They do not want to pay for placement.

If threats are being made, time to lawyer up and seek legal advice. You have rights! If the children are under a CIN plan she can opt out. This is voluntary, social services would not be able to intervene without going to S.47.

However, I would say you need a lot more information for more advice. I hoped this helped. Please message me if you need explanation of processes

DangerousAvocado208@reddit

How old are the teenagers? And what is day to day life like for them?

I don’t have any particular advice in terms of social services but I’d recommend she gets in touch with her local domestic abuse service, so she can access a domestic abuse worker or an independent domestic abuse advocate, child on parent abuse is fairly common imo

winterval_barse@reddit

And also to add women’s aid or places like that, even though she’s moved on from the ex she’s still living with the impact of his actions

Absolutely! With DA people assume it’s always a male perp and female victim/survivor when it can happen in same sex romantic relationships, and familial relationships including child against parent

Mammoth-Squirrel2931@reddit

I don't know enough about the whole social services side to comment on that situation, which sounds extremely complex but yes as commented, maybe CA and DV charities to start.. But reading the thread, this sounds like you have a huge amount of strain in trying to help keeping things together and supporting your partner. Whilst this is a kind and loving thing to do, I worry that you are not getting any form of support for yourself also. I imagine typing all of this out in and of itself must have felt a little relief, albeit temporary. It is easier to support someone if you are in a more balanced place. So even something like an Andy's Man Club, to get things off your chest once a week perhaps. I hope that you can get the help needed, take care x

Reasonable-Horse1552@reddit

Maybe the teenagers could go and live with the grandparents if they are so wonderful.

bibbiddybobbidyboo@reddit

Is she employed. Does she have an EAP (employee assistance programme). They can be surprisingly helpful.

georgiebb@reddit

Has she been in contact with any DV charities? Depending where she is she may have access to a DV caseworker for free through them. To be clear, I'm talking about the DV from her older son here.

I'm assuming she has spoken to Citizens Advice, but in case she hasn't, they may have contacts that aren't publicly advertised. Its worth trying for the sake of making a phone call

If she has proof that the allocated social worker is treating her unfairly, it is possible to write to request a different one but this is not something I would do without the advice of somewhere like a DV charity.

Thpfkt@reddit

Local councils safeguarding children & vulnerable adults team

Independent domestic violence advisors (IDVA's)

If the son is violent and not improving, they may be seriously concerned for the safety of the other children in the household. The son may need extensive inpatient care or some time away from the family home (I know this sounds awful, but if you are running out of options..)

It may be worth being proactive and calling the police next time the son is excessively violent in the home - he will likely be brought to the nearest hospital where they can evaluate his mental health and access more urgent resources.

I am so sorry this whole situation sucks. Please give your girlfriend a hug from me.