How do I turn my life around?
Posted by Outrageous-Grass-753@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 173 comments
28m and have nothing to show for it. I’m an unemployed loser and have been NEET for years, never really had a job if I’m honest. No higher education, pretty much crashed and burned after school as all the newness and change was too much for me. New people/places terrify me, I can’t even go to the barbers. I’ve just never been able to get it together.
Never been on a date or even kissed anyone, never been on a night out or to a party, I failed at being a functioning person and I despise existing.
I have no goals or ambitions, life just doesn’t really interest me anymore. Is there a way back from this?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get that out.
SnooMacarons2598@reddit
Join the armed forces They’ll give you purpose and belonging and you’ll make friends for life
Horror_Barracuda_562@reddit
Unless it’s changed a hell of a lot I can’t see a 28yr old virgin shut in getting through Catterick unscathed. Even being 10 years older would make you a target, without all the other baggage OP has.
haikoup@reddit
Then die for some oil company.
SnooMacarons2598@reddit
There are lots of jobs in the armed forces where u don’t die, some of us never even saw combat.
Auntie_Cagul@reddit
Start by looking for some voluntary work. Maybe a few hours a week increasing to more as your confidence improves. This will give you a starting point for your CV and make it easier to find paid work later.
Agreeable_Air_6865@reddit
He said people and places terrify him and you straight up give the most empty advice on par to “drugs are bad”.
Yeah sure you gotta get out your comfort zone but suggest a more realistic first step for a shut in who’s terrified of people
Auntie_Cagul@reddit
If OP wants to improve their life then they have to take that step. I wouldn't recommend voluntary work where they would be dealing with customers.. That would be straight up scary. But being part of a larger group of volunteers where you are a small pawn amongst others.
Near me is a small wood that is managed by a team of volunteers. Most of the work is removing fallen or rotten branches and clearing pathways.
Other suggestions would be to join an organised litter pick or sign up to regularly clear the litter from a couple of streets in your area. Equipment to do this safely would be provided.
Another option might be to email local sports clubs (cricket, tennis, bowls etc.) and ask if they need any help delivering leaflets.
Once OP has made that initial step then it will be easier for them to branch out into a 'customer facing' role.
donalmacc@reddit
It also gets you out of the house, into a routine and with new people. I think voluntary work is overrated as a "CV" concept, but I think it's absolutely perfect for OP.
emmaa5382@reddit
Tbh most places just want bodies to fill roles and cvs don’t mean a lot. Volunteering could help op feel like they are working toward a goal and the feeling that “every little helps” will help not feeling like you’re not great at the work.
IndividualCurious322@reddit
Ironically, some volunteer roles WANT experience because they don't want to train you at all. I found this out when I offered to volunteer several days a week for a British Heart Foundation charity store. My experience was from completely different roles (Software and Animation) and not ones dealing with customers.
Auntie_Cagul@reddit
I wouldn't recommend someone with no work experience starting out in a charity shop. Look for more community based opportunities. Sports clubs, social groups for children or the elderly, youth clubs. Anything where you would be assisting more experienced volunteers/staff or be part of a larger group of volunteers.
Creepstaa@reddit
And just to add to this. I was also a little late to start after school/college due to medical reasons. When I first got a job I hated it for the first week but just push through it and you will become way more confident and comfortable with it.
It just takes time to adjust to the new environment but you can easily do it, just remember why you're doing it and it makes it a bit easier.
Good luck OP, I'm wishing you the best!
dibblah@reddit
Yes, fully this. I didn't work for a while due to chronic illness. When I started work, I felt absolutely awful and hated it for a few weeks. Anxiety over a new job, plus the complete change in routine was a massive shock to my system.
When you're going from doing not much at all to being on the go 8 hours a day, it's a big change. Having to get up at the same time every day, get out of the house every day etc. Being told what to do by someone else.
Some of these things can be started before you get a job - you can get into a consistent sleep/wake routine, you can leave the house at the same time every day etc, but others will just be a big adjustment. It's okay to feel miserable for a while after starting a job. I always say give it a month and if you still have valid reasons not to like it then look for another job.
Auntie_Cagul@reddit
I would also like to add that I had a traumatic event in my life where I knew that I would have a big gap in my CV. I became a volunteer at my local community swimming pool and made new friends there too. I'm still a volunteer there 16 years on.
lawtsuda@reddit
hey OP, i don’t really have any advice because funnily enough im in the same boat as you, but i just wanted to leave this comment to let u know ur not alone :’^) what part of the uk do u live in? (not a stalker just curious lol)
ok i do have maybe 1 bit of advice: hobbies. you’ll go insane without them. there has to be something you’re passionate about - for me it used to be video games and anime, now mostly just watching tv tbh, but recently i’ve been trying to read more, learn how to cook, doing a bit of painting. find something you love doing. or just go on a walk and breathe in the fresh air. it’s cliche but sometimes it really helps me just to get out the house for a bit. and honestly having things to show for is overrated imo - i believe in just living for the sake of it, since i never believed id still be alive at this point, i’m just trying to be present in my families lives currently which is enough to keep me happy. i don’t know about ur family situation though so if it’s different for you i understand.
do you have any friends? (i really hope that isn’t rude to ask, sorry if it is) i only have 1 friend really due to the NEET situation but. i’m not very active on reddit but if you would ever wanna talk more i can dm you my insta? (oh my god i sound like a catfish lmao i promise i’m just a loser weeb)
Deep_Banana_6521@reddit
find a reason to get a job then do it. I assume you live with your parents. Have a conversation with your parents and say "stop buying me things, I need a reason to work", Then when your food runs out, or they ask for rent and threaten eviction, that's a real good incentive to get your arse in gear.
If you just huff and puff and say "i cant because i'm anxious and i've given up" then you're just enjoying the cess pit you've made for yourself.
What do you do then? for 28 years? what has filled the void from the last 12 years since you left education?
Agreeable_Air_6865@reddit
Honestly this is just terrible advice, you have no idea
MaxMuntage@reddit
So you're saying that someone who suffers from anxiety should put themselves in a situation that will cause them even more anxiety, and this will somehow make them more able to go out and deal with other anxiety-causing things? You should probably stop giving advice .
mustbemaking@reddit
Yes, it’s exposure therapy. Never heard of it?
parkerontour@reddit
Gaming and porn I would assume
Practical_Scar4374@reddit
don't forget masturbation.
Sailor-Gerry@reddit
Poor old masturbation always gets a bad rep because of people like this...
parkerontour@reddit
What the hell are you on about? Everyone likes masturbation.
Sailor-Gerry@reddit
I know, and every time some loser complains about their life being shit, reddit jumps in blaming it all on petting the one eyed snake...
Which is ironic considering so many of the people in comments sections appear to be monumental wankers...
parkerontour@reddit
Yeah you’re right, I’m the biggest wanker going.
Sailor-Gerry@reddit
I'm quite prolific, it's a miracle I have a job and leave the house.
parkerontour@reddit
That’s the most important part
TrueSolid611@reddit
Yeah i was unable to hold on to a job until i had a reason. I’d usually quit after the first week. When I met my partner it changed things for me. I knew we wouldn’t have worked if I didn’t work. 10 years later and I’m in a lot better place
Deep_Banana_6521@reddit
I thankfully was blessed with a toxic mother who wouldn't give me any money for anything when I was growing up. So if I got my first job at 14, if I needed any new clothes, or games etc, I had to buy them myself (not many jobs for 14 year olds out there in the early 2000s mind), but when she got wind of that, even though I was in full time education, she demanded half of all my earnings, even though she was receiving child benefits and child maintenance off my father.
When I hit 18, I had an opportunity to move out to university, but had to work at the same time because my mother was earning too much for me to get much of a maintenance loan, then when work became too important, I quit university and worked full time and have supported myself full time since I was 19.
22 years after my first job and 17 years after working full time, 5 days a week, 48-50 weeks a year I find it hard to not work unless I have booked holidays or obligations.
I couldn't imagine the idea of just doing nothing. Never been more than 3 weeks without a job and never been sacked either.
Affectionate_Rub4556@reddit
Same age and was in the same position a year ago. I'll just say what helped me, join a gym! I really can't stress this enough it helps with confidence and it shows other people that you can be dedicated to achieving a long term goal. Am I saying it's easy? Hell no even after that bad days will happen, to give you a little insight I'm not training to be a nurse while working at a store near me, but everything I have achieved in the past year started with taking the first steps into a gym.
Agreeable_Air_6865@reddit
Most people on here are probably gonna give you soulless advice like “apply for volunteer jobs” or “read a book in a cafe”, but they don’t understand how crippling social anxiety and depression can be. It’s easier said than done.
One day you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna click. It’s gonna come to you. You’re gonna keep thinking about changing your life more and more, but the only way that’s gonna happen is by your action.
No one is going to help you my dude. You gotta make the first step.
Start by shaving all your hair off (no ones gonna see anyway at this point). Start by cleaning your room, making your bed. Sort out your bedroom first. That’s where to start
Agreeable_Air_6865@reddit
The fact you made a post tells you that you want change, and that is your goal. To change your life.
So now you have to go backwards to what you want.
You wanna get your own place?
Get a job
How do you get a job?
You apply for places
Not qualified?
Research what you need to do
Go back to school/uni if you have to as a mature student
No one’s gonna help you but yourself
semantticss@reddit
I was in a similar situation at the same age, I'm 30 now. I just had no career direction or money and realised one day while I was sitting at the computer that I was a loser. So I grabbed any job I could which was a warehouse job which surprisingly turned out to be a good job at the time ( the people, close to home, decent wage ). While I was at that job someone told me they used to work for this massive automotive company and told me how to apply so I did. I got the job and it was the most I made ever(£18hr) and was just a no skill agency job. Fast forward about 15 months I have £20k In my isas as I invested this money as well but saved £17k of it from that job. Point being, the progress becomes incredibly addicting. Coming from a place that you feel dissatisfied with means you can get some wins on the board pretty quickly. Also banging gym was a game changer for me, if your consistent you can see progress incredibly fast. Look good feel good.
JaeAnne01@reddit
Haven’t really any advice that hasn’t been shared already but rooting for you! honestly wishing you all the best for the future.
I fell pregnant as I was finishing 6th year and found out my son was going to be born with complex needs (he is now a wheelchair user). My whole life changed. I couldn’t continue school because I had to care for him. I couldn’t work, couldn’t really go out to socialise. He’s coming 6 and only now have I started taking the steps to improve things for myself. Only started driving, started volunteering 2 hours a week. It’s been tough, sometimes exhausting but I’ve done it and will continue to.
walnutwithteeth@reddit
It's in the run up to christmas. There'll be retail work available, even if it's short-term. Start there. Working with the public, frustrating as it can be, is a skill that is transferable across many different careers.
Once you have a job, it's a reason to get up and out of the house and speak to people.
pajamakitten@reddit
OP will need to be comfortable interviewing though. Plenty of jobs will be going but someone who struggles to leave the house and to speak to people will still be on the back foot.
Archbishopofcheese@reddit
Seconding this, every supermarket and many food businesses will be looking for extra staff right now.
fearandfluoride@reddit
wow I read this post and genuinely thought that, aside from a few details, I wrote it then forgot about it. as someone on the same journey, mental health and community are the two biggest steps. diagnosis and medication if applicable, adhd was brutally kicking my arse for my life behind the title of depression until I got the diagnosis and the meds and it actually changed my whole life. start volunteering if you aren't ready for the job, anything that can translate as skills and learning, better yet if it's in a like-minded community or charity. make yourself get out of the house. even if it's walking to the shops or the bus stop or something, get out and get the fresh air. also get up and get dressed every day if you can. implementing a routine and keeping it can be a fundamental basic. but start with talking to your GP and hopefully get started from there, they should be able to social prescribe and also have access to NHS mental health services like counselling. truly wishing you all the luck.
AstraofCaerbannog@reddit
Honestly; therapy. Likely starting with a therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). The NHS usually does this as a “stepped care” model, so you may start with group education, then move to low intensity therapy, and then move up to more “high intensity” therapy with a more qualified clinician depending on your need. You self refer online, just take a look at “talking therapies” or “iapt” on google. They’ll be able to assess the level of support you need, though if you feel you haven’t had enough it may be up to you to tell them.
This will help you look at your thoughts, behaviours, goals and values etc, and help you recognise and address any issues/barriers in your thinking/behaviour.
Of course in theory there’s no reason someone who’s 28 can’t turn it around. Many people start careers late or go to education late. It doesn’t matter that much what you did before or how old you are, though you may be in a different place to your peers.
africanviolet@reddit
Is there an reason behind the NEET? Could you be neurodivergent and it just not been picked up on?
I say this because you will get advice to push through and put yourself out there which has the opposite effect on someone who’s neurodivergent and can lead to burn out.
You’ll have access to lots of free college courses if you have no qualifications/ no income so have a look at a local college for anything that interests you.
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
If he's not been diagnosed as a kid would learning about it all bow really help him that much? Surely he knows what he finds was and what he finds hard.
MultiColouredHex@reddit
Absolutely can help to be diagnosed later in life, if you don't understand what's going on in your mind you can't work with it to a resolution. I say this as a 38 year old who has been advised it's highly likely i'm autistic adhd, awaiting the official diagnosis, but it means I can try and adopt ways that help with the issues that plague my life in way that works rather than beating myself up, as OP is, and in a way that is sympathetic to the way a neurodivergent brain works rather than neurotypical.
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
Still not explaining in a tangible sense of how that would help.
IV been advised similar, I'm 8 years younger. It just seems like massive rigmarole for very little tangible benefit.
ihcgaws@reddit
Mainly diagnosis goes very far for understanding your own brain, having a name to put to it lets you search for support and resources far more easily. Probably the most tangible thing is reasonable adjustments at work and in interviews
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
There are some companies that might make life a little easier for you but there are a lot who will just instantly discount you.
If you are aware that you likely are neuro divergent then you can understand your brain without going through all the rigmarole of a diagnosis.
Xaphios@reddit
So a close friend of mine was diagnosed as Autistic a few years ago. We're similar enough that I basically said "well in that case I am too" and started keeping an eye out for coping strategies and techniques to make life easier. I use these, but recently got myself on the waiting list for a diagnosis (probably a couple of years before I'm seen) because I've been struggling with burnout.
My friend said recently that when things are fine the diagnosis doesn't make any difference but when he's having trouble with life in general being able to say "it's not in my head, the doc said I'm autistic and therefore it's normal for me to find this tricky" is really powerful. Most people I know who're diagnosed as neurodivergent were diagnosed in adulthood and all have some level of "most people can do this, I should be able to do it too" and a formal diagnosis is quite powerful in helping with that.
I may never share it with an employer after diagnosis. I doubt I'll share it with most people I know unless it specifically comes up. It's not for them, it's for me.
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
Best answer yet. Thanks.
Xaphios@reddit
You're welcome :)
ihcgaws@reddit
Sure, in that sense it’s important to know what kind of employer you are applying to. Neurodivergency can differ a lot between different conditions, and as so many of them are co-morbid, diagnosis can be a useful tool in identifying treatment. Some doctors won’t prescribe medication (obviously not always required) without diagnosis.
I am not at all saying that diagnosis is essential or always super helpful, but in my personal experience, it has been very useful, especially in Higher Education and employment settings :)
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
Im glad it's worked for you. Food for thought.
MultiColouredHex@reddit
Sorry you don't understand that being diagnosed with something means you can work appropriately with it and stop beating yourself up for it. There's not much else to say - seems to obvious to me. When you're diagnosed, you usually have a therapist who helps you navigate things, such as the small steps OP would need to take to get where they want to be in life. You can have medication too, which helps. Fine that it seems a rigmarole for you, but it can help a lot of people.
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
When you learn that it's likely you are neuro divergent you can stop beating yourself up without the diagnosis.
I know a fair few autistic folk with a diagnosis, I don't know any who have a therapist.
MultiColouredHex@reddit
That's cool and glad that it's that straightforward for you and your friends.
Having been in therapy for 15 months due to what everyone thought was anxiety and depression and is turning out to be autistic adhd, I know therapy is helpful for me, as it is for 2 other friends navigating adhd diagnosis. Everyone is different, hence I don't see any merit in trying to deter anyone from getting any diagnosis. Which is where this stemmed from.
I'm kinda done talking in circle about this and wish you the best.
n3ver3nder88@reddit
Would you rather prefer to know that some of the negative experiences in your life are due to a mismatch between how your brain and nervous system operates Vs how the majority of people's does, or would it be better to continue thinking you're a useless piece of shit and everything in your life that goes wrong is all your fault because you're just not trying hard enough, regardless of how hard you try?
That's the consideration that many people make when wanting to explore a diagnosis. Furthermore, a diagnosis can open doors to medication for some people/diagnoses, or suggest that medication they're currently taking isn't appropriate (taking meds for depression when you're autistic and not addressing the aspects of life that aren't autism friendly won't do anything for the depression, same with ADHD, and other stuff like BPD). Diagnosis can be the basis of protections under the equality act for stuff like performance based sacking at work, get you access to reasonable accommodations and guaranteed interviews under some schemes. Through Access to Work you can get interventions to overcome obstacles that your diagnosis presents, that can help you get or keep work.
There are lots of reasons people might want to officially confirm what they already know.
SeePerspectives@reddit
Absolutely yes.
Imagine spending your entire life believing you’re a deeply flawed and broken person only to find out that you’re actually a perfectly normal neurodivergent person. Your brain isn’t flawed or broken at all, you’ve just spent your entire life trying to force it to behave in a neurotypical way when that’s literally impossible for it to achieve.
Knowing that you’re neurodivergent means that you feel comfortable allowing yourself to do things in a neurodivergent way instead. Rather than, for example, forcing yourself to endure highly social roles that burn you out because “nobody enjoys working”, you look for the jobs that actually work well for your brain.
And, honestly, neurotypical people can be an incredibly self conscious bunch. They interact with someone who seems distracted and a bit off and they don’t think “oh, there’s an ND person who’s overwhelmed and struggling to self regulate”, they think “why’s that person’s being rude and off with me, and I’ve done nothing wrong” and get defensive. Being able to say “sorry, I’m neurodivergent and am struggling a bit at the moment” cuts through that defensiveness and makes interactions much smoother.
So yes, it really does make an incredible difference, speaking from personal experience as someone who didn’t know they were autistic until they were 40.
magicalthinker@reddit
Definitely it can help. It can help reframe their entire life, so they realise it's not a matter of will power. It means a lot of the labels that have been applied to them and that they apply to themselves can be reframed through a more accurate lens, which helps with negative self-talk and confidence. It also provides toolkits to learn how to overcome or adapt to problems that other people take in their stride. It can also help to identify strengths that may be overlooked, like being highly analytical.
It can basically give them a roadmap to a more fulfilling and happier life.
New-Foot-511@reddit
Yes OP sounds like they may be autistic
Publish_Lice@reddit
What expertise do you have in order to make such a diagnosis, off fairly limited information?
New-Foot-511@reddit
I'm autistic.
Publish_Lice@reddit
I’ve been arrested. Doesn’t make me a copper.
pajamakitten@reddit
Anxiety and depression share symptoms with autism too though. I am not autistic but have anxiety and stim like mad when stressed.
ramxquake@reddit
One can cause the other. Lack of ability to relate to other people from a young age leads to cptsd, which leads to anxiety and depression.
Normal_Red_Sky@reddit
It currently takes the NHS about a decade to do an autism or ADHD diagnosis, so if OP can get an assessment through a parent's procedure healthcare plan (it sounds like they wouldn't have their own) that'd be better.
africanviolet@reddit
Not through NHS Right to Choose if OP lives in England!
tangledseaweed@reddit
Yes right to choose is currently under a year iirc
tangledseaweed@reddit
I should add, I know someone that has just been through it, total wait time is 10 months, she has been assessed as needing meds and is only waiting for blood pressure tests to have a prescription for adhd managed by the right to choose provider but prescribed by gp (previously diagnosed and medicated but dropped out of "the system" over 10 yrs ago and had to go through rediagnosis)
Flowa-Powa@reddit
You got to start with the brass tacks
Start with the social stuff. Join a club or a group. Not online, real people in a real place. Go every week even if you don't want to. Make friends, even if you don't want to. Accept other human beings as being flawed and annoying, just like you are. Do that for months. Train yourself to accept other human beings for what they are not what you think they should be
Take it from there
Draggedintosunliight@reddit
Get a hobby. Go to the gym. Force yourself to do this several times a week.
Psychological-Fig514@reddit
Life begins at 40 your good
pestoislife1@reddit
So I think I can offer some advise here. At 27 I had no GCSEs and a deadend job at a retail shop. My girlfriend left me for being a deadbeat and I was coasting and miserable. I was so tired of it so I decided to make a change, I left that job and worked a part time one and self studied for a year, booked my GCSEs, passed them. Then started a new career as a mechanic and thrown myself into it, I make good money now, have a fiancee and my own house.
My point is, I was you, it is possible to change, you've just got to find passion in something and latch on to it. Ideally something you can train on the job with, IT is a good one since there's so many online courses and stuff.
Good luck Bro!
Major_Wealth@reddit
Move to a new country. That oughta do it.
Good0times@reddit
The first step is to get a job. It is a big step but you will feel so much better when you are making your own money. Start with something simple like a shelf stacker, cleaner, or porter role. They are a little unpleasant but getting your own money is really essential.
Try to work on your CV. There is tons of help out there, your local library may hold groups. You will likely have some skills to take advantage of. If you can use a computer that is a skill. Once you have experience (not voluntary, but paid) you'll be in such a stronger place to make your own choices.
Ok_Maintenance239@reddit
Gym gym gym
I know its cliche but it works out the mind too.
OkClimate7128@reddit
First step go to the gym just get out the house man join some classes even put yourself out there…. Properly stop watching porn aswell
Sea_Collar4817@reddit
Lol! Unemployed winner here, maybe one day I will get bored of the neet life, but i doubt it, i value my peace a lot
FlinFlonDandy@reddit
Why do you keep uploading the same post?
ciarajd@reddit
Almost the exact same post was posted here before not long ago I’m sure
Ahhhhrg@reddit
They're to different subreddits, which may give different perspectives and suggestions, makes perfect sense to me.
Whisky-Toad@reddit
Probably just reached the point the want to actually try and change their life, doesnt it happen to most of us as we reach the 30 mark?
Gungadin34@reddit
My guess is being unemployed gives him a lot of free time lol
Wired_Inside@reddit
Hey OP
I recently went to my GP and told them how I was feeling. I've felt similar to you for 15 years and was getting a bit tired of my own bullsh*t.
While you might not want or need medication there are other things the GP can help you with. In my area there's a self referal mental health service and they offered A CBT course which might be helpful to give you some structure.
Just google your location and wellbeing service.
Another thing you could do is find a therapist and they can help with the cognitive side of things. A bit pricey but worth a session or two.
I wish I did it sooner, the first step was hard but surprisingly easy in hindsight!
Good luck and update us with your progress!
Strong_Star_71@reddit
Cognitive behavioral therapy could really help you. If you can’t afford therapy then ‘cognitive behaviour for dummies’ is helpful. Also visit r/stoicism as that’s the underlying theory behind it.
I’d focus on challenging your thoughts before volunteering etc.,
ALCATryan@reddit
Wanting to change is a good start. You’ve done that already, so good on you. Next, try to do a little more. And when I say a little, I mean small, small steps. Don’t try and rush yourself into extremely unfamiliar situations, set yourself up to build confidence by slowly progressing. Today, I left my house. Today, I showered twice. Today, I made it halfway to the park. Today, I ordered food at a dine-in. You’ll slowly build confidence in yourself, and that accumulates well. Don’t feel embarrassed about having started “only” now or anything of the sort; the fact that you even want to start is already incredible. Try doing this for a while.
lochnessloui@reddit
Best time to plant a tree is 30 yrs ago. Second best time is today. Make the life you want.... not an easy step for sure... good luck!
ALCATryan@reddit
Edit: Since this is gaining traction, I’d like to add; for anyone in a similar situation looking to improve it, remember that changing from here is not about “starting now”, its about “wanting to start”. There is a difference between persistence and taking more than you can handle at once. Go extremely slow, even if your progress feels frustratingly slow to you, you’d be surprised at how different the subconscious handles it. And if you want to give up at any time, remember: that is also fine. Things will be no different to how they were, but that is also fine. But if that’s not fine with you, even just a little, then try to do the littlest, littlest things to feel proud of yourself. It’s not really about what you do, its about feeling good for having done it.
Denverc99@reddit
Get involved in volunteering in your local area. Can be a great stepping stone to getting out there for the first time.
F-I-V-E@reddit
I think you should take a look at the king's trust, they are designed to help young people under 30 build confidence and career skills.
https://www.kingstrust.org.uk/
Jolly_Constant_4913@reddit
Comes and visit and Indian slum.you will have double enlightenment
Tipsy-boo@reddit
28… life is only just beginning. I promise you. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing.
The key is to start small.
If you could be doing anything at all- what would it be? The dream life. If money and qualifications and confidence was in abundance.
Kitchen-Bottle-6198@reddit
First things first ring tidy your room and ring an escort up
SarreMolloy@reddit
There are loads of charities in the U.K. that specialise in working with NEET people to teach them skills to get them into the work place and teach valuable skills like confidence and resilience skills - not sure where you live but would be worth having a quick Google to see what sort of support there is around you!
Ok_Onion7335@reddit
Depression and anxiety its a bastard isnt it? Unfortunately so many people suffer with this granted some more than others but the best advice is speak to your gp.
ramxquake@reddit
I think a lot of cases like this are undiagnosed autism.
OddRecipe1727@reddit
It's so evil
starsandshard@reddit
Can't agree more, OP if your anxiety is preventing you from being able to take care of yourself then please please speak to your GP, they will be very understanding and familiar with the best way to get you on your way to treatment
draenog_@reddit
Agreed. While it's really important to get a job of some kind and people have given good recommendations with Christmas retail temp jobs and charity work, if OP is so anxious about new environments that he struggles to go to the barber then that might be a bit ambitious as a first step.
Going to the GP and potentially getting some kind of therapy/medication combo might help to combat that severe level of distress in the first instance, which will then make it easier to take the other steps needed to climb out of this negative spiral.
Mcharge420@reddit
Great advice Iv got my psychologist though the doctor🏆
zerumuna@reddit
OP, this is the best advise. It sounds like you struggle to even leave your house. Please give yourself grace and do not compare yourself to people who are fit and healthy and in a good place mentally.
Start working with your GP to get the fog lifted and you may find the other stuff just starts naturally falling into place.
Less-Badger-7064@reddit
So start doing shit. You don't ever a grand plan You need to start going outside and learn to deal with new and scary.
Otherwise your life will stay shit
Even having a job you dislike is better for your mental health than doing what you are currently doing. Fuck all.
starsandshard@reddit
Hey, just wanted to say there are most definitely ways to come back from this situation, and I really hope you find some things to try from these comments
I want to add that if you're ever having a day (or night) of dark thoughts because of how little life interests you, please try giving the Samaritans a call (116 123 - it's free), it might take a few minutes but you'll get through to someone who will just genuinely listen to you, without judgement or giving you any advice, which is sometimes the difference between acting vs not acting on those thoughts.
Things will get better 🙏
videogamesarewack@reddit
Simple. Not easy, but simple.
When you reflect on all your "I haven't even done blank" statements, realise these are your desires in some capacity. Some are your own desires, some are expectations from others. We're not in a place to explore that yet, so just do this:
Write the statements of things you have no accomplished, or cannot do without lots of fear. Then rewrite the statement as a goal.
I haven't even been on a date
Goal: I want to go on a date.
I cant go to the barbers for a haircut without fear.
I want to get a haircut at the barbers.
Cool. Now you have goals.
Next, let's break these down into realistic tasks we can work towards. Let's think about the barbers.
It's a huge thing right now to book an appointment, turn up, ask for the cut, get the cut done while making small talk, pay, and leave. It's easy to people who can do it, but everything is easy when you've done it a million times.
So. Break it all down.
You're scared of going to new places. So pick a new place close to home that you can go to. That's all you do. You go to the place, be there for a few seconds, enough to say to yourself "here I am at this new place" and then leave if you like. If it's a park for example, literally you can walk one single step through the gate, then turn around and go home.
Now you have been to a nice place! Big step! Your new goal can be about expanding on that. Go to a place that's still new, and be there for longer. 1 minute maybe. 20 steps in, 20 steps out maybe.
I'm deadly serious, extremely small progression with everything.
Are you afraid of booking appointments too? Maybe the barber shop takes calls, or has an app, or maybe its walk in.
You can practice this too. Maybe you pick a place you don't want to actually ever go to, maybe a barber shop in another city, or a restaurant, or a cinema, and book a table or a seat or whatever. You don't have to show up. You can cancel the booking. But now you've done that too.
You can even go to a barber shop just to ask if its walk in and whatever else you want. Pretend you're on your break from work and just wanted to ask because you've not been to the barbers in ages "I usually cut my own hair and wanted to get it done properly" is fine to say.
You can go on and on like this, slowly incrementing an idea until it meets the goal.
For me, I really wanted to be more social, and more friendly. It's such a broad encompassing goal. I started practicing smiling at strangers, but even before that I had to practice intentionally looking at them, and then trying to smile intentionally. Now I'm able to smile somewhat automatically at people passing by if I'm not lost in thought. It took me like 18 months of practicing smiling before it just happened automatically smiling at someone who passed by me, and I almost cried when I did it I was so happy.
Life is really fucking hard, but we can break it all down as tiny and easy as we like into bite size digestible chunks. And the power of this is that not only can we make measurable progress on our goals that we can reflect on and feel proud for, but we will always be moving forwards and end up in a better place tomorrow. Maybe you won't have everything you want, but you'll be a much better you with some of your wants fulfilled in time if you can figure out your tiny little steps.
And really, get silly with it. No step is so small or insignificant as long as it's a little further than the last one. A lot of people learn how to do the basics automatically without thinking, but there is no shame in achieving it manually. Improving ourselves is something to be proud of.
v01dst4r@reddit
As someone who occasionally struggles with being a functional person, this is really helpful advice, thank you!
videogamesarewack@reddit
I've struggled too, which is how I know the idea works! Hopefully helps you work on something you've been stuck with a while :)
AutomaticDog3770@reddit
Start to distance yourself too from people who will hold you back in life. I know this sounds harsh but these people tend to drag you back if you start to achieve stuff. Positive attitude. Little changes. Keep moving forward good luck
tieflingfighter@reddit
Start beekeeping, it's a solitary hobby but will force you to join your local bbka to learn about honeybees (they are fascinating)
Find something that interests you, and delve into it, build confidence
I got into beekeeping then it got me into gardening and my mental health became so much better just being in nature
Good luck op, there is something out there for you
FriendlyBuilding4655@reddit
Not sure if this has already been commented, but MIND has a free supported self help service. It's six weeks of a guided programme, and it helps you better understand your emotions and low self esteem among many others things. Worth googling MIND in your area and beginning the self assessment process, as it's possible you could be eligible for their Talking Therapies as well (also free). May even be quicker than NHS too, depending on where you live. Good luck OP.
Charming_Review_735@reddit
The first step is to cultivate self-compassion and stop thinking of yourself as a loser. Then get a therapist, make small goals and start making steps towards them.
Adventurous-Baby-790@reddit
Have you looked into men's clubs like Andy's man's club or mandem meet up? If you contact them beforehand they can meet you at the door. They will walk you in and make you a cup of tea and there is no pressure to talk or share. A lot of men's clubs also do social activities like football, hikes, boxing etc but again, there is no pressure to join anything if you don't want to. It might be a first step to get you out the house and meeting some people.
Jasboh@reddit
Id start by getting some excersize just go for a walk round a local park to start. Do this every day, like 10am when its quite and build a positive habit and go from there.
You gotta realise your own brain is sabotaging you and just decide to do stuff without thinking about it, because you will always talk yourself out of it if you let your inner voice run rampant.
Hot_Paint_532@reddit
Is there anything you would love to do? Any goals?
stifferdnb@reddit
Reddit sounds like the perfect place for you
Sea-Television2470@reddit
How do you even get away with that? How do parents let their kid ruin their life like that?
Jeez that's bleak.
magicalthinker@reddit
It sounds like agoraphobia and social anxiety, which may be symptoms of something else, like high-functioning autism. I think if you can get yourself into some real therapy and assessments, that will help a lot. Go down to your GP's surgery and be honest with the doctor and explain that you can't even go to the barbers. I understand it's embarrassing to admit to face-to-face, but it's what you need to do. You need to learn to be around people again to get over the fear of them and that takes small steps that are hard to take at first.
You're 28. That's still young. You're younger than you think you are, and having mental health problems doesn't make you a loser. If other people think it does, that's just because they're lucky enough to have never experienced it. You're more capable than you think you are, and with the right help, you can 100% transform your life.
Namthorn@reddit
There's always a way, you just need to be willing to try. New people/places make everyone anxious at first, but once you take that first step, the rest get easier. Take it slow, start small, and most importantly take the time to figure out what you actually want to do and why. I find without a structured list of priorities I try and do everything at once and end up doing nothing of use so justifying and ordering them really helps me zero in on life objectives.
Dull-Feeling5895@reddit
I was in pretty much the same situation as you at that age. What I did was force myself to get a job via an employment agency. I won’t lie to you, it was awful at first. Everything felt like it was too much, people wouldn’t talk to me etc. But after a while you kinda of get used to the work environment and eventually I ended somewhere where the people were nice. Not easy, but I dread to think where I’d be if I hadn’t done anything.
Mohamed21324@reddit
It's depends on your personality. If you are a good person, just marry the wrong person or make some friendship with a bad guy
Competitive_Steak_63@reddit
A lot of us go through stages like this in our time. It sounds to me as tho your mental health hasn’t been great since you left school, and by the sounds of it you haven’t done much to try and combat that, how about you book a doctors appointment and express how you feel to them, they will possibly give you medications, methods lots of different options. Once you’ve made a step on improving your mental health try pick up a few hobbies, start applying for jobs, start doing anything to get you out the house. All these little things you can start doing today can lead to new relationships, hobbies, goals exc.
BothIntroduction4818@reddit
I wish i was there to give you a hug, because i really feel for you. It seems like you really understand your difficult situation and desperately want it to change. I've been down deep many years ago as well. The only universally applicable advice i could give you is: it's all about momentum. You cant radically make your life different overnight. I remember not even being able to have a dream/purpose i wanted to work towards, i just wanted my situation to get better. Its all about momentum.
I've seen some suggestions in the comments of things you can do to make a start. Try anything out, see if it works for you and use that momentum to go forward. Start of small and the momentum will move you forward (gradually) to a point where you can do more.
I know all of this sounds floaty, but it really just is: moving forward with momentum is the way to go. There wont be a full turning point, its all about the direction you are going towards.
VS0814@reddit
Join the Royal Air Force. I had a similar lifestyle to yours and just even applying for the RAF, was the best thing I’d done.
It will teach you discipline, help you create new bonds, and most importantly, it will give you a purpose. There are so many opportunities in the RAF.
If you’re serious, I am more than happy to be alongside with you and help you throughout the entire application process. Just drop me a message if you ANY questions.
LordEmostache@reddit
Found the RAF recruiter
VS0814@reddit
Yep, because RAF recruiters definitely comment on AskUK posts 👍
LordEmostache@reddit
It was a joke but I mean, there's no reason RAF recruiters wouldn't comment on a reddit post. Perfect place to find potential people looking for a change
VS0814@reddit
I know, I was being sarcastic. They don’t as far as I’m aware. There’s a RAF forum on Reddit and even that no longer has official recruiters manning it.
LordEmostache@reddit
Probably got tired of all the Mountain Dew and Cheeto dust clogging the cockpit instruments lmao
Ruadhan2300@reddit
Well, first, let's talk about how you got here.
You finished school (You didn't drop out, congrats!)
Then you got out into the world and.. kinda just stopped.
Everything else you've said about yourself is not indicative of your nature, or personality, or lack of opportunities.
It all comes down to this failure-to-launch, which sounds very much like you got out of the nice and safe tunnel of childhood and froze up, too much pressure, too many things going on, social-anxiety and so on.
Then as time goes on, you've run out of resources, not gained or kept any momentum, and now you're just drifting in life.
You want to be more. You want to do well and succeed, you'd like to be the kind of person who socialises, has friends and hobbies, holds a steady job.
The only thing holding you back from that is fear.
But here's the thing. You have absolutely nothing to lose by trying, this isn't the schoolyard anymore, people largely don't poke fun (overtly) or really care what gaffes or mistakes you make. The important thing is to try.
You've got to start somewhere, so my best recommendation? Go to the barber.
Get £25 (yeah, I know) out of the bank and go get a haircut and your beard tidied by a professional.
When they ask you what you want, it's okay to stumble over your words, not be sure what you want.
Most likely you want a short-back-and-sides, or you want what the guy before you had.
The magic words you want are "short and tidy", trust that the barber will know what that means.
So now you're out of the barber, you've got a great new hairstyle, walk tall. Feel good.
You might also want to look at your wardrobe. If you're like me, you spent your 20s in much the same clothes you wore in your late teens, maybe they're wearing out. But even if they're not, you're not a teenager, and it's worth dressing your age.
I wear a lot of polo-shirts these days, typically various shades of peach, or orange or in some cases green or blue. I used to wear mostly band-shirts and sweaters.
So now you look the part, and you've gotten yourself out of the house.
Time for a job. It doesn't need to be anything significant, or skilled. Stack shelves in a supermarket, or sign on with McDonalds or a similar fast-food place.
Get money coming in. hold down that job, get a paycheck coming.
Then, look for hobbies that interest you. If you're sporty, maybe look into local 5-a-side football games in your age-bracket. Or go visit a Hobbycraft or something and see if anything in the place appeals to you.
I'm fond of Warhammer, but that's not exactly a cheap hobby to get into (Plastic Crack, as the joke goes), and many of my friends are similarly into Magic the Gathering, which.. is also surprisingly expensive.
Nerdy hobbies are perhaps a good place for you, because nerd-communities tend to be very forgiving of social-anxiety and awkwardness. You'll find people you like there.
Hedgehoglet99@reddit
Start going to a gym - it's impossible not to feel much better coming out, compared to entering the place. If hesitant, you can start with some exercises at home to start off with - search youtube. Quit eating any/all processed & fast food, wheat and generally cut down on carbs as much as possible. This will all start to improve your physical and mental well being and confidence.
_Lil_Cranky_@reddit
You need a goal. I disagree with most of the advice in this thread. The first thing, the most important thing, is to decide what your goal is. That's the way out of your current situation. Go for a walk or whatever, and really consider what you want from life.
It doesn't really matter what your goal is. You just need to pick one. That's the most important thing. You need to have something to work towards, to give you guidance when you're a bit lost. An overriding structure to your life. A purpose. The beautiful thing is that you get to decide what that purpose will be.
Once you have a goal, break it down into steps, and ideally write them down into ministeps. Make sure that the ministeps are achievable.
You need a goal. Think about it, deeply. You're on this earth for just a few years; what do you want to do with that time? If the answer is "I want to play video games as much as possible, and enjoy myself, and be left alone, and be happy", that's absolutely fine. It's a reasonable goal, and it will serve you well. But are you currently doing a good job of achieving that goal? It doesn't sound like you are. You wouldn't be creating this thread if you were.
The "be happy" part of that hypothetical goal is very tricky, but therapy can help with that.
Nok1a_@reddit
You might need professional help, someone who help you to do te right steps , it takes time a lot of effort but little by little you'll get there.
You are lucky that UK is not a title focus country like Spain for exmpale, and here you can do "almost" any job as an apprentice and get good at it., So that's a huge advantage in your favour.
I dont like people too, I just deal with them
Twacey84@reddit
“Is there a way back from this?”
Yes. It’s never too late. You are alive, therefore there is a way back.
The first step I would suggest is talking to your GP or doctor. There may be some underlying depression or anxiety or even autism that may have impacted you up to now. It’s worth exploring this and getting help and support if needed.
Aside from that take small steps. Pick a small, achievable goal and try to achieve it. Go to the barbers or the shops or the park. Make it your goal to go to one new place each day and build up from there.
You can do this.
Proud-Commercial1593@reddit
When I was 28 I had lost my driving licence, lost my job when previously had well paid jobs ( uk in 2004 earning 30k a year) by 2010 I had zero, living in a bedsit week to week.working in a factory on minimum wage. I went on plenty of fish and met a really nice lady of the same age, I moved in with her and we saved money. I got a better job and we bought a house together in 2015, then in 2020 we moved to Australia and kept our uk house risking everything. We both got jobs pretty quick as a delivery driver and a cleaner to enable us to buy 3 acres of land. I then got promoted to manager within 6 months,4 years later we have a large house worth over 1 million with half million mortgage and sold uk property. I'm not bragging I just want to say you never know what is around the corner!
15 years ago if I could see what I've got now I would have asked when I won the lottery!
Hot_Atmosphere3122@reddit
Iv not been your exact shoes and I honestly can’t give you the best advise because I’m still working on myself but like others have said go to your gp if you can get an appointment and there is self referral therapy places Snd it’s easy for me to say but people are not watching you and there mostly in there own world worrying about there own anxiety’s The first step is the hardest I hope you work your way out of this hole your in honestly it can be done Im getting there and I’m a few years older than you 🫡
SweetieSophiaa@reddit
"How good could it be if I stopped making it worse?"
grgext@reddit
Have you thought about going back to school/college, learning a vocation or skill, or finding something that interests you?
SMTRodent@reddit
For a start, you can try getting a sight of the sky every morning, even if it's just the garden gate, down by the bins, anything at all. But just that one single change in routine you're doing purely to help yourself, that you can do every day without fail, rain or shine.
For a second, vitamin D3 with whatever your first liquid intake of the day is.
Any further steps are after those two, but it's a definite, forward change that should be within reach.
If you absolutely can't, then you've set a pretty definite base level of 'can't' to take to your GP, perhaps in email or by a phone call, or to a welfare rights officer, or MIND, to get outside help sorted out.
Physical_Amount_3349@reddit
Go to you GP firstly, possible some medication may help motivate you if you are depressed.
I was diagnosed with BPD at 19 (over 15 years ago now) and trust me when I say I STRUGGLED.
I was expelled from school at 15 so no GCSE's
By the age of 24 I had nothing except an empty CV & a drink & drug problem
Volunteering is what opened up my opportunities. Find a cause close to your heart, I volunteered for a charity who help families affected by addiction and I loved it. Gained so much experience and was able to complete a level 3 advice & guidance course.
Once it was time to find a paid job (afte rnearly 3 years volunteering) I was open to more or less any work. After 100s, if not 1000s of rejections, a taxi office literally 2 mins walk from my house decided to give me a chance. I was 28 with NO paid work experience, I will never forget the fact they gave me a chance. What great experience I got from there, working on the phones and computers, plus face 2 face, angry customers etc, it gave me fantastic work experience.
After that job, I moved on to working for the DWP! Which again, gave me great experience and looked good on my CV. I have since worked for Barnardo's and now within property management.
At 36, I still struggle nearly everyday. HOWEVER, it feels great to have a job and pay for everything out of my own money.
Trust me, you will get there, this is SO brave writing this on here and that;s why I know in my heart you WILL succeed and I'm sure in a few years you can hopefully inspire someone!
My inbox is always open for any advice you need, whether that be CV writing or anything else!
I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST
xxxx
Run-and-Escape@reddit
If you live in London, I can hook you up with a job. Temporary and hard labour, but money is solid if you put in the hours.
TheArtfullTodger@reddit
Yeah that 2nd paragraph is why your here. Just get on some dating sites and get laid. As for the other shit. That's on you. Do something about that. The first has no bearing on the 2nd as plenty of unemployed people get laid
Wishmaster891@reddit
how on earth have your parents allowed this situation to arise?
dadclimbs21@reddit
Go to the doctor's and get an autism test ....you may find that you have been let down your whole life
friedchicken888999@reddit
Try working as a chef they usually provide training for that
Chronicbackache@reddit
I used to be a chef. Its miserable. Even if you love cooking. 17 hour days, no break, getting screamed at, asshole chefs, drugs, alcohol. This was my experience , if you like it then sure but for me leaving that industry was the best thing I ever did
friedchicken888999@reddit
Probably a bad restaurant ,try looking elsewhere ,I used to work at pizza express the waiters and chefs were very nice and 17 hrs a day is criminal longest I've worked was 12 hrs a day and I was only a student then
Chronicbackache@reddit
There's definitely good an bad places I agree. A bad run of hotels and restaurants put me off it for life. I do remember working in a cafe where we grew our own produce and finished at 5. I've sworn against it and I can't go back
Delicious-Cut-7911@reddit
Take a look at 'brain training' techniques. Neuroplasticity alters the way you think, The body will always react to how the mind feels. If you are calling yourself a loser, then your body will give you further depression, low self esteem and anxiety. Dr. Joe Dispenza has plenty of youtube videos explaining this.
Crayon_Casserole@reddit
28 is young - don't panic.
As others have said, get a job - any job, it's a foot in the door.
The fact you're posting here shows you're not an idiot, so that means you'll pick up skills and learn even with the most basic of jobs.
Stick in the role of 6 months, then try and move on to something better. Use recruitment websites / any contacts for help.
You've made a start already with this post.
It will take time, but you'll be okay. We all have to start somewhere.
Be kind, be loyal to those who help you and good luck.
LondonCycling@reddit
Heya, sounds like you're going through a tough time.
If you want specific recommendations, I'd have just three:
In all honesty, things like going on dates or having your first kiss or going to parties will come somewhat naturally. The partners I've had in my life have all been from work or volunteering or hiking groups. If you try too hard or focus too much on dating it can have the opposite effect. And as RuPaul says, you need to love yourself first.
Goals and ambitions are nice for sure. But you do also need to work on the foundations. Once you start to work and find out what hobbies you enjoy, you'll be able to come up with some goals. Your goals may also initially be 'wooly' - it may be a goal to simply feel more confident in social settings. You may not find a nice way of measuring that, but you'll feel it.
Ruadhan2300@reddit
This is a great answer, compassionate and practical advice.
ilikeyoualotl@reddit
The best way to get used to, or cope with, a situation? You literally need to throw yourself in. Exposure is the only way you will become more confident in doing things, whether that be talking on the phone, going to the shop, going to the barbers, etc. You can't let your emotions/fear take over your life otherwise you will never progress. Idleness is the playground of the devil so be more proactive in how you navigate life.
You're not too late to change so the best thing is to start as soon as possible. Volunteering in a charity shop, for example, is a good way to gain work experience. Go to classes, or use YouTube, to learn how to cook, clean, learn the basics.
continentaldreams@reddit
This is gonna sound mean, but you need to pull your big boy trousers on and take control of your life. All the things you're talking about can be changed.
I suffer from severe mental health myself, but I go to therapy, I get help, I push myself to leave the house even when I feel like I wanna die, and I make my life worthwhile.
If I didn't do this, I would just stay in bed all day.
Chronicbackache@reddit
My therapist told me that the hard news is that motivation sometimes just doesn't come. She's absolutely right. Waiting for change won't happen. I'd suggest just do very very very small things incrementally to break that cycle. The fact you're reaching out already is really good. Don't be too hard on yourself either and don't worry too much about deadlines and other people. You go at your own pace, it's your goals and development after all we are all different.
Some things I could recommend would be.
From my own experience I beat myself up because I didn't have a super lavish job ( I work in retail) but it's a shop that I enjoy and I've made great friends there. Life doesn't have to be lavish or you have to be making 100000 pound a month. Just do you and try and do small changes that make you happy
Fabuloso_Funeral@reddit
First of all, you're still very young. As other people have told you, maybe the best way to start is volunteering. That way you could start feeling useful and getting a little bit out of your comfort zone. Finding online academic training might also be a good idea, so that you can add something to the CV. Identifying what made you end up like this could also help.
But anyway, perhaps you could also work on your self-esteem. It may sound very absurd to you right now, but calling yourself a loser is not the best start. You might've had bad luck, you might be overly sensitive or you might be struggling with your mental health, but that doesn't make you a loser. Trust yourself. Things can change. Good luck and greetings from Spain :) I wish you the best
Competitive_Art_4480@reddit
Get yourself a wank job at a warehouse or a factory. Get yourself a hobby that gets you out and about something that excites you. Get yourself some mates that get you out and about.
Best time to start is today.
no2Fashion@reddit
Exercise for anxiety and confidence, start at home then pick a gym just turn up 3/4 days a week. go on the treadmill and walk if u must, get a feel for the place until you are comfortable lifting weights. Fix the anxiety and confidence issue before u end up working a job and quitting after 2 days because you are stressed and anxious. Set 1 goal and do it, trying to do everything at once will be overwhelming. As someone who’s left behind a bad alcohol problem and used to smoke and get on the bag, I found it easier 2 tackle each issue one by one. So maybe you could set a goal and attack them 1 by 1. Also just go get a hair cut, it’ll help the confidence issue
CarefulAstronomer255@reddit
You can't suddenly change course and do a 180, or just "come back from this". You have to slowly turn it around, one thing at a time. Even if you do everything perfectly, you'll still wake the next day in the same bed. So it'll take you a long long time, you have to consider it a long term project, doing just one thing at a time.
You've already listed out several problems, so you already have a list. You can maybe break that list into even smaller tasks. Finally, break that list into goals that are achievable within a few days or a week. Those will be your realistically managable tasks. Only after a few years of small manageable tasks, you find yourself having chipped away at the problem and it's been solved.
Sailor-Gerry@reddit
"you'll never wake the next day in a completely different bed."
Can categorically deny that, with the perfect storm of circumstances you absolutely can...
Casual_Star@reddit
Get outside of your comfort zone.
Make the uncomfortable comfortable and you will win.
Wake up at 0600 every morning, go for a walk, come back and start applying to jobs.
Go to sleep at the same time, wake up at the same time, eat healthy, take care of yourself.
Put yourself out there, in uncomfortable positions otherwise you’re not going to grow as a person.
However difficult and uncomfortable it’s going to be, the more you’ll do it, the more you push through, you’ll reap the rewards. But you need to start, and start now.
WuTangFlan_@reddit
My biggest and first recommendation would be taking up any some / any form of physical exercise or activity. This is a great stepping stone to feeling better in yourself and improving your mental health. Also small small steps and literally just look for any job to get started. Try and get more small social interactions in and this builds over time (brief chat with someone serving you in the shop etc). Pursue a hobby or passion
Status-Mouse-8101@reddit
I'm sorry but you're too articulate to write yourself off like that. You have too much self awareness to be a 'loser'. The person you're describing doesn't sound like the person who's written this post.
Sounds like you have some self esteem and anxiety issues. That can be helped. If you suspect I'm right, go to your GP and get access for counselling. They can give you the tools you need to manage low self esteem and anxiety.
HappyLittleHermit@reddit
Talk to your doctor about help for your mental health, specifically anxiety.
Get a job. Admin or secretary usually don't have to interact with too many people. Get some hobbies and make some friends. Eat right, fix your sleep schedule, get some exercise, shower daily and get outside for some fresh air.
Sailor-Gerry@reddit
"Get a job. Admin or secretary usually don't have to interact with too many people...."
I think they might have to start off with volunteering or something, in the nicest possible terms, this person would struggle to even get an interview for a paid position based on what they've outlined.
15142@reddit
Join the military.
Thread-Hunter@reddit
Well its not difficult, if you really want to get skills and a job, pick up the phone to a tradesman and ask to be his apprentice. No one isnt going to give you real money & opportunities for sitting at home scratching your bum watching the world go by.
gloomsbury@reddit
I would start by booking an appointment with your GP and getting the ball rolling re: mental health support. You sound pretty depressed and anxious, and I wonder if you might be neurodivergent - quite a few of the problems you mention are common in people with autism and/or ADHD.
I'd also recommend looking into college courses and/or volunteering opportunities. It could help to give you an idea of what you might like to do as a paid job eventually, and at the very least it'll get you out of the house and give you some routine. You might even meet some people there who you get along with.
Good luck!
xxxxsteven@reddit
Army?
Consistent_Ad3181@reddit
Get some qualification at night school or go back full time. Should be free before university. Ideally STEM stuff but whatever you are either good at or interested in.
Squiggles87@reddit
Do some qualifications and look for a job rather than sat on your arse. A good life takes effort and motivation and depression is can be symptom rather than a cause.
CalCapital@reddit
Okay so you're starting from a long distance behind most people but this doesn't mean that you can't claw it back.
Firstly, I would make a plan. Now, judging from what you've written, you're probably not the type that makes and sticks to plans of action - but here goes.
Clean your room and make your bed. If that's too much of a task in one hit, reorganise your drawers or do some small task which you can manage which in some way makes something less shit in your life. Build up by doing sections with a view to completing the room in steps.
Analyse what you're good on one piece of paper, and what you want to improve about yourself on another. This can be clothes, social skills, looks, body composition, employability etc.
2.1 For each improvement point write down some steps to achieve it. Some will be harder or more complex than others but you can find plenty of support here or on youtube.
Fundamentally my advice is to stop doing things which you know are bad for you. It's as simple as it is profound. Just stop it. If you're masturbating 8 times a day, if you're not washing yourself or taking care of yourself properly, if you are staying indoors all day and never seeing any sun or fresh air, if you eat exclusively yellow and beige food (whatever)
Watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyiZX2WcMRU
and this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE0u7-SX2hs
Lord-of-Mogwai@reddit
Put on your big boy pants and sort it out. Start a hobby, meet people doing it and just find any job to start. The only thing ever holding anyone back is themselves
No-Accident6125@reddit
Set some positive goals and put a plan in place to achieve them. A good life won't just happen to you. You must actively pursue it.
ChristinaTinaTamarin@reddit
It’s sounds like you need to find a passion. What do you enjoy? What do you love? If you don’t know then try out literally everything until you find something that brings you some joy or peace and calm. Quite often it’s something you didn’t expect to like…
It also sounds like you struggle with social anxiety (me too, it’s awful) - if so then familiarity and routine makes socialising/ working / volunteering (whatever) much easier. If it feels like a familiar space it’ll feel safe and anxiety will be much less. Obviously for it to become familiar you have to do it repeatedly initially and that’s really hard.
Have you spoken to your GP about getting some help with your mental health? I know MH services are fairly inaccessible but there may be support groups or charities in your area that offer counselling or meet ups or support.
How are you with animals….? I struggle to connect with people but my pets are my family and make life worth living. I also volunteer in nature with animals and this is so fulfilling and gives me purpose and meaningful connections with people who struggle in the same way as me.
BD55_GUY@reddit
Its alright mate, in my opinion theres no point thinking about where you should be or what you should be at any point in your life.
What it really comes down to is your perspective and what you want out of this life at this current moment. If you want everything you've listed there but can't because its outside of your comfort zone or simply "can't". Then do something progressive towards it.
Step out of your comfort zone, all it takes it little steps everyday. Aim to make everyday better than the day before thats all it takes. Even if it means tomorrow you wake up and make your bed. Thats better than yesterday then the day after you add something on top.
Go to a barbers and if youre unsure of what to do or what to say. Just be honest "its been a while can you do whatever you think will look good" if you like your hair long let them know if you like it short tell them.
Trust me I am not where I want to be and not where I think I should be but ive realized its not about that and never will be. Its about making the most of what im doing right now. Everyone gets dealt different cards, the key is the play with them cards because you could be down and out but you can always bring it back.
Sarrymino@reddit
What do you like to do?
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