Industrious little fellows...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Citizens of the United States,

Well, here we are. You’ve actually done it. You’ve elected me—Jeremy Clarkson—as President of the United States. I’m as surprised as you are. A man who spent decades driving fast cars, annoying co-hosts, and mocking, well… everyone, is now your Commander-in-Chief.

Now, I could stand here and promise “unity” or “progress” or any of the usual nonsense, but you know me. I’ll be honest: I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s how to handle a bit of chaos—and, frankly, your country seems well overdue for some fun.

We’ll start by boosting the economy… mainly by banning any car that can’t go from 0 to 60 in under five seconds. I’ll replace every government limo with a V8 Mustang, and yes, national holidays will now include “International Roast a Co-Host Day.”

So here’s to America! You had the guts to vote for me, and I’ve got the audacity to try to lead you. Buckle up—it’s going to be a very, very fast ride.

Thank you, and God help us all!