If British cities were people and all had to attend a family gathering what would they be up to?

"Leave it Gran, he's not worth it" "Yeah, but what he said about our Richard was shockin'!" Meanwhile, despire their Grandparent's differences Bolton, Hull, Bradford and Halifax are smoking a blunt on the wall outside the pub, while being ignored by Sheffield and Leeds and Newcastle, Liverpool and Manchester are doing bumps of coke in the ladies. Newcastle is trying to keep the other two from arguing about music because Manchester is getting shovy and Liverpool's taken her earrings off. Preston is waiting outside to see if Manchester will be long, because she's left Salford with her, and he wants to get out of the converstion about football which Sunderland keeps trying to start. London is beaming from her spot as Matriarch, with Reading, Bath and Canterbury fawning around her, with Hereford showing her photos of the kids. Her lapdogs City of London and Westminster is drinking some beer from a saucer under the table and growling at anyone it doesn't like. One tried to bite Glasgow earlier, so Glasgow retreated to the bar to drink with Edinburgh, Carlisle, and Belfast and glare at London, even though Newport, Swansea, Cardiff and the Welsh contingent are doing much the same from near the dartboard. Birmingham is at the pool table, winner stays on but he's letting Wolverhampton play in his stead with Stoke because he ordered a takeaway to the pub and is settling down with a naan bread the size of a teatowel and watching Leicester and Nottingham try to unload the car, and keep Coventry from poking the dead crow they've found in a hedge. Portsmouth and Bristol are discussing the best motorway route they should have taken, and Gloucester is claiming a migraine and needs her medication and a lie down. Southampton is apologising to the minibus driver about something racist Southend said 'They're a different generation'; as the elderly passengers disembark - St Albans and Chichester are cackling about something mean they said about Worcester, and Salisbury is banging on about music to a disinterested Brighton, who is checking Grindr and wondering if he can score some migraine medication from Gloucester or if he'll have to get some coke from the trashy Northern lasses. Colchester is also watching Coventry with the dead crow, but with sinister purpose. Over in the adventure playground, Oxford and Cambridge are smoking vape pens and talking about their UCAS points. They bitch about each other behind the other's back, but are mutually rolling their eyes as Milton Keynes talks to them about Dr Who and Doncaster gets his head stuck in the climbing frame. Durham tries to get into the University conversation with the cool girls, but is baited into saying something mean about Wakefield, making the smaller cathedral city cry. Durham feels awful about it, but humiliation is averted when Norwich suggests they all make out 'y'know, as a joke...' and they all mutually recoil.