Eh, this is not about you not understanding bc you’re not a mom. You just know a loafer and a mooch when you see one. Bc that is what her son is being, and it’s her fault for allowing it. He needs to grow up and contribute more to his mom’s household.

I happen to have a 26 year old child living with me and her dad, still. I should mention here she has struggled since high school with clinical anxiety. I mean, in high school, it was bad. She slacked off in school and almost quit school bc of it. But we got her help, she did the work, we did our own work, and she gets through it easier now as a young adult. But she still is prone to anxiety. But she doesn’t use it as an excuse or crutch anymore, she addresses and uses her tools - and her prescribed meds - to deal with it, so that she can function as the young adult she is.

She works full time, and has since graduating college. She can’t afford rent on her own, even for the smallest apartment around here. So we are happy to help her out. But - she helps us, too. In addition to paying us room and board every month (I only ask her to pay her share of the groceries and utilities) she buys us all dinner a couple times a month, as a thank you to me for cooking for her regularly. She often goes and gets herself a Starbucks coffee and she always brings me one, too, or one of their chocolate croissants, bc she knows I love those. She does her own laundry, pays her own car expenses, and lets us use her streaming apps 😁. We let her use ours, too, and like I said, I cook most nights for her and her dad.

In short, she is an adult member of the family now, and she acts like it. And honestly, one reason she acts like it is bc her dad and I expect her to. We treat her like the young adult she is. And we all three treat each other with respect. Yes, she is still our child, and yes, I want to help make some things easier for her, like not charging her much for rent or not making her cook all her own meals… But we also have made it clear she is responsible for her own expenses and things, and she’s expected to save some money to move out when she can. She just got a promotion and nice raise at her work, so that’s looking like it may be soon. And she was anxious as hell about applying for that promotion, but she made herself go for it bc she knew it was what she both wanted and needed to do for herself.

I know, as a parent, it can be easy to slip back into seeing your adult kids as still helpless and needing you, and your instinct is to protect them from the harsh world. But imo, it’s a parent’s primary job to resist that feeling and let your adult children grow up. That means, allowing them to make tough decisions for themselves, setting clear expectations and boundaries for them if they are still living in your house.

Expectation number 1 should be, if they are out of school and over 18, then they find employment so they can pay their own bills at the very least. A 31 year old living at home with no job and his mother cannot retire bc she feels she needs to support him? And he is physically and mentally able? No wonder he is emotionally immature and still feels dependent on her. Until she sets clear expectations and rules for him to live at her house, I doubt he will change.

Finally, you are in now way responsible for her adult son. Do not agree to be, and she is crazy for even asking you. He is not your responsibility. In fact, he doesn’t even need to be hers! He is a grown adult and needs to start acting like one. And your friend needs to, at the very least, insist he get a job so maybe she can retire at some point.