ULPT Request: how can I discourage my neighbor from coming into my yard
Posted by Cyndy2ys@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 159 comments
I posted this story on LPT but it was removed because I didn’t read the rules carefully (whoops) Anyway my (F, 50) neighbor (M early 60s) comes over to my yard to talk to me whenever he sees me outside and his wife isn’t home. I’m kind of new to the neighborhood so I don’t know this guy. It’s gotten to the point where he’s either blocked the path to my car (which made me late) or tried to stop my car when I was pulling out to leave. Sometimes I just want to do things in my yard in peace. I’m saving up to plant some tall shrubs between our yards, but until then there’s no real boundary. I need some ideas to subtly or overtly discourage him from coming over every time I’m outside.
CartographerUpbeat61@reddit
Always say your “sorry you have to go “ or a “ I can’t tsk right now “ , an d say it LOUD and curt . Do it as soon as you see him and walk straight back into the house . Immediately. Careful, he’ll be watching you at home too .
dilbert2156@reddit
Plant a lot of cactus
VixenTraffic@reddit
Set an alarm with your ringtone to go off a minute after you walk out of your house.
Let it go off until you see him approaching, then “answer” and start a fake conversation while you get in your car and drive away.
Give him a friendly wave and mouth “sorry,” as you drive away.
beeskneecaps@reddit
damn, genius!!!
the_honest_liar@reddit
Motion sensor sprinklers.
DevFreelanceStuff@reddit
Are those a thing?
the_honest_liar@reddit
Yup. Intended to keep away animals more than anything
peachesfordinner@reddit
Humans are animals
SimplyRoya@reddit
Motion sensor tasers.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
Motion sensor liquid ass spray!
DrDeems@reddit
You didn't mention you are a scholar. Respect.
RunAgreeable7905@reddit
Has he got dementia? If he has offer to drive him to town. Then just leave him there.
tacotacotacorock@reddit
Early '60s is a bit early for dementia but absolutely possible.
peachesfordinner@reddit
Dementia or not if you left him in town in think he would get the hint to leave you alone
JupiterSkyFalls@reddit
I legitimately just laughed out loud. Not like lol'd in head, full on belly laugh 🤣
OddCucumber9985@reddit
I laughed waaay too hard at this.
imsharing@reddit
Upvoting because truly unethical
impactes@reddit
Fart, loudly, and as much as possible.
I had a neighbor who decided he wanted to chat whenever I was outside doing yard work.
One day, unknown to me, he walked up behind me when I happened to let out a two bowls of spicey chili fart loud enough to scare the birds.
He was far less interested in chit chating after that.
Gold_Assistance_6764@reddit
How is this unethical?
impactes@reddit
Well, ethics are the rules that a person follows based on social norms and morals, many (let's hope most) would consider farting purposefully infront of another person to be rude and break social rules so =unethical.
Gold_Assistance_6764@reddit
Well that sure is in interesting take on the definition of ethics.
peachesfordinner@reddit
If he's close enough and it's the kind that burns your nose hairs then that sounds pretty anti ethical
impactes@reddit
What do you think the definition of ethics is?
throwaway7264235@reddit
Pick your nose and inspect the result, pick a wedgie and offer him a handshake with that hand, go out in the yard regularly looking like a troll who’s lost their bridge… destroy any concept of feminine mystique he has about you
HilariouslyPsycho@reddit
Talk about your period and heavy flow. Tell him the cramps are kicking your ass and ask him he might be so kind to go grab you some pads at the local pharmacy.
Good_With_Tools@reddit
Funny, but the backfire could be terrifying. Maybe he's into that.
HilariouslyPsycho@reddit
Oh dear goodness that would be living hell. 🤣🤣🤣 I like the way you think
Good_With_Tools@reddit
Of course, OP can always mix in poop and periods. Even weirdos don't want to hear about period shits.
HilariouslyPsycho@reddit
Ehh he could be German. Your remember Cartman's mom and the German films
SkipJack270@reddit
Landmines.
DoubleDareFan@reddit
Then occasionally walk around with a metal detector and randomly stick small flags in the ground wherever you "found" a mine.
tacotacotacorock@reddit
I prefer claymores on my perimeter. Less chance of collateral damage. However if you have lots of land to spare classic mine field always deters.
Neonwookie1701@reddit
"Front toward enemy"
jlverno@reddit
Or the threat thereof.
SkipJack270@reddit
I feel like putting up a sign that warns of landmines is really only effective if you are sure there are mines. Like putting up a sign that says “Beware of Dog” and there’s no dog there.
Epsilia@reddit
Who is going to take that risk?
TheTechJones@reddit
got it, so i need to hit rent an excavator for a crater, hit up the Halloween store for body parts, and hit the edges of the hole with a weed torch? (maybe some carefully marked X's in the lawn in a zig zaggy path?)
SkipJack270@reddit
Or go to the local taxidermy place, get a bunch of guts and offal, wait till two in the morning, light an M80 then throw the guts all over the neighbors yard, fence and home.
jlverno@reddit
Good point.
Proof_Evidence_4818@reddit
Put up a no trespassing sign
JackYoMeme@reddit
If you’re in a hurry and will be late just say that. Other situations, I think you should just be a good neighbor and chat him up a bit.
sezit@reddit
He knows and doesn't care that he makes you uncomfortable.
Know and don't care and make him uncomfortable. Just tell him that you really don't want him to come visit you. Then turn and walk away.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
This was my thought too…like maybe he’s trying to make me uncomfortable.
Top-Grand-9924@reddit
Grab some Jehovah Witness propaganda to hand out every time he comes out to talk to you
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
Hahahaha love this!
Merely__Human@reddit
I sense a couple of unspoken things that are important.
You sound concerned for your safety. Which is giving you pause on responses.
You don't know his intentions but are suspicious about his motives.
So, a passive response may work best. Make friends with his wife, if he ever offers other actions you have a ready made "no, I am friends with X". It's likely he will discontinue his actions if you have bonds with his wife.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
This is accurate. They know I live alone. They also know that the man I’m dating lives close by. I have become a little acquainted with the wife; we exchanged numbers but haven’t socialized.
I also think he is just enough of a boomer to be confused by a gen x woman who lives alone and does just fine paying her own bills.
Old_Turnover6183@reddit
Just tell him. Like you would a 2 year old. That way you are kind, but also clear.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
I work in an elementary school, this could work… “no thank you! No THANK you!! We stay in our own bubble. We do not go into other peoples bubbles unless we ask first and get permission. Are you in my bubble right now? Did you ask to come in my bubble? Did I invite you into my bubble? OK what can we do to fix this now? And what can we do differently next time?” 😂😂😂
Old_Turnover6183@reddit
That would have confused me as a kid, because I couldn't see the bubble.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
We use bubbles in our school; easier to say and understand for the kids than “personal space”
workitloud@reddit
You got this. View the wife as his parent. He exhibits “odd” behavior. She should know that he wanders in your yard. Make it sound like all hours of the day & night.
keencleangleam@reddit
That's so perfect!
xtimewitchx@reddit
I was thinking exactly this. But it’s like, way too ethical
Pit-Viper-13@reddit
Get one of those motion activated sprinklers people put up to keep dogs out of their yards.
https://www.amazon.com/Deer-Repellent-Cat-Outdoor-Deterrent/dp/B0DB2M39G9/
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
Lolol I love this…I wish it was less visible!
MellowDCC@reddit
Start wearing a mask and say you have bird flu. Then change up the diagnosis every now and then
MsChrisRI@reddit
Being blunt and dismissive isn’t unethical, but he’ll see it as “mean” which would still be fun.
If he blocks your car as you’re trying to leave, lean hard on the horn and continue inching the car toward him until he moves.
If he blocks you while walking to your car, “why are you blocking me? I’m running late and I don’t have time for games.”
In general:
“Where’s your wife? Shouldn’t you catch up on housework while she’s out, instead of interrupting my peace?”
“Where’s your wife? You should stay home and send her over. She and I have more in common.”
If it continues, imply he’s losing competence. “Are you lost? You live in that house, not this one. Go on home now.”
tacotacotacorock@reddit
I'd probably wait to get to know the neighbors first before some of those tactics. Especially if they own the house.
MsChrisRI@reddit
Fair. I’d make a point of meeting / being cordial to his wife first. But being blocked on the way to my car gets called out for what it is.
Pit-Viper-13@reddit
Casually mention you can’t afford your medication anymore. Then start acting bat shit crazy around him. “Shhhh, they are listening…”, “I was abducted by aliens once…”, “I’m going to plant some lasagna Carl, you and Grace should come over for lasagna when the crop comes in…” (do not inject their actual names, just start calling them Carl and Grace from then on) or “A house landed on my sister once…” can all be good lines 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
He will either leave you alone, or call in a welfare check on you 🤣🤣🤣
Zaddycake@reddit
Get a trained German Shepard and tell the dog he’s a threat
Veastli@reddit
Wear earbuds, start talking like you're on the phone whenever he appears, then walk away from him.
PandaDad22@reddit
Too ethical.
NotSure-oouch@reddit
Make it sound like you’re on the phone having phone sex with his wife, or his father (if still alive).
kind_one1@reddit
You can pair this with dark sunglasses so he can't tell where you are looking. It takes a little practice to pretend you are not looking at him, but you can them walk away from him. I used to do this on the subway to discourage creeps and talkers.
AndarianDequer@reddit
I came here to say this. Pretend you're always on a call.
Many_Photograph141@reddit
Pretend you went deaf.
Gsogso123@reddit
I play a lot of poker and do a variation of this when I sit next to a particularly annoying player that just wants to talk constantly. With my headphones in I let them say whatever they are trying to say to me twice, then I look at them and take my headphones out of my ear and say, sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I have the noise cancellation on can you repeat. I let them repeat, I answer nicely, put the headphones back in and when they start talking to me again I repeat the process. Usually only takes once, sometimes twice. If that fails, I just ignore them because the noise cancellation on iPod pro 2’s is amazing. For the record, I only do this if someone won’t stop talking about nonsense for a long time, like 45 minutes or so. I am a very patient person. This just kind of demonstrates that their constant blabbing is requiring active work from me to hear, most people get the message.
Renob78@reddit
Tell the cocksucker to get the hell out of the way and that you got shit to do.
heckin_miraculous@reddit
The real life pro tip, right here.
FlipMyWigBaby@reddit
Befriend the wife. “Are you having marital problems, as your husband seems to be stalking me?”
Flux_My_Capacitor@reddit
The wife won’t stop it because she’s sick of him, too, and this keeps him away from her.
Bansidhe13@reddit
Put a lock on the gate and wear headphones. Hopefully, he can take a hint.
CuddlesWeedFood@reddit
Lol woke up today and chose violence.
CummyMonkey420@reddit
Shit, DM me her number and I'll call her asking her "where can I deliver these flowers addressed to [OPs Name]"
TheGuyThatThisIs@reddit
DM me her number and I’ll fuck OPs neighbors wife
Top-Grand-9924@reddit
Ask him if he wants to become his own boss. Then offer him a herbalife milk shake
Top-Grand-9924@reddit
While working in your yard, fill up vodka and tequila bottles with water and drink it in from of the neighbours
ISleepyBI@reddit
Durian fruits from the local Asian store. The smell should keep any unwanted guests from coming over unless they are from SEA.
Babelwasaninsidejob@reddit
Invite him inside for tea and then poison him.
cybeaux@reddit
Wear the biggest headset so he can see it from afar.
dasookwat@reddit
wear a mask, start coughing.
DevFreelanceStuff@reddit
Tell him your balls are itchy.
issacoin@reddit
“hey dude get the fuck outta my yard”
should work
taleovertealeaves@reddit
start trying to sell him on some crypto scam, really go all in overexplaining nfts and when he gets uncomfortable just keep talking about all the money he's going to make if he just wants to invest it, etc etc. everyone hates a pushy salesperson, he'll probably f off finally.
SavageCaveman13@reddit
WTF? Have you tried using your words?
Revolutionary-Half-3@reddit
Or an air horn.
missileman@reddit
Get a big dog, don't let him befriend it.
Pretend-Park-247@reddit
Shoot him. This is America!
FinanceIsYourFriend@reddit
A fence
Mhawk12346@reddit
Motion activated sprinklers, a sign with his face that says "Local Stalker", arm children with supersoakers and give em $10 to spray the dude when he's on your yard
tacotacotacorock@reddit
Employ jungle warfare tactics specifically from the Vietnamese. How are your digging skills? Hopefully decent since you want to plant some shrubs this will help prepare you for that.
lr0nman_dies_Endgame@reddit
Leave little piles of dog shit all over your yard. He’ll probably step on them a couple of times and figures it’s best to stay out your way
tacotacotacorock@reddit
Could just make them more interested. Especially if OP doesn't have a dog.
bettesue@reddit
Be blunt tell him you want to do work alone outside and don’t feel like talking.
SimplyRoya@reddit
Be rude to him. Put earplugs when you’re outside.
fuckshitlord@reddit
Be direct. Tell him you do not want to talk to him. No need to explain.
ShinKicker13@reddit
Ned? Ned Ryerson???
Pooch76@reddit
Perhaps leverage empathy. You’re in therapy bc abusive dad. You’re triggered when approached in your yard bc thats how he always did it. You need his help to feel safe. By staying distant.
HereticGaming16@reddit
Get sprinklers with a timer. When you’re about to leave set the off for 5-10 mins. Long enough for you to leave and him to not get to you but won’t flood the yard.
Longjumping-Ant-77@reddit
Carry a massive dildo in your hand every time you leave your house.
Hot-Win2571@reddit
Tell him that you've been advised to carry an enormous dildo whenever you leave the house, and can you borrow one of his.
Partyslayer@reddit
Motion sensor sprinklers
KEITHKVLT@reddit
Bear trap. Always works for me
sam99871@reddit
Piss yourself while you are talking with him and act like nothing’s wrong. He will not come back.
Beginning-Fly8774@reddit
Talk to him like you're bat shit crazy. And mention his wife a bunch of times.
_QAyTQ@reddit
Shit on your own lawn regularly at random hours.
dcidino@reddit
Spray him with a hose.
JupiterSkyFalls@reddit
Leave a note on his front door that says:
Dear Neighbor, really enjoyed the long chats we've been having. You're such a great listener and I've been so lonely since my divorce/husband passing. Can we do dinner soon, just the two of us? Signed, Make sure you add a ❤️ or 💋.
Or if you wanna go scorched earth:
Get a No Trespassing sign. This step is important. Point to it next time he comes over. If he comes over again call the cops and get him trespassed from your property.
amusingjapester23@reddit
Yeah, I've been there. You shouldn't have engaged him if you had to be somewhere on time. Just say "No time to talk, I have an appointment" and walk to the car anyway.
IrradiantFuzzy@reddit
"Shut the fuck up and leave me alone" usually works.
frozenbrorito@reddit
Tell him you’re uncomfortable talking to a married man without his wife there. Say “it would look suspicious to your wife “
prez-scr00b@reddit
Pepper Spray.
fun_crush@reddit
This is where the "counter politics" trick works. Find out his political party and support the opposite. He likes Trump... you like Kamalla... and vice versa. Also, never stop talking about how much you support T or K for president. This is the easiest way to get anyone to stop talking to you.
Exciting_Piccolo_823@reddit
Tell him your SO doesn't like you chatting with him and it's become a discussion at home
awalktojericho@reddit
I hate that this works so much. Like women can't be just respected unless they "belong" to a man.
Gamer30168@reddit
Razor wire fence, tank traps, machine gun nests, and land mines should do the trick!
Backsight-Foreskin@reddit
Punji stake trap. Make sure to shit on the stakes to cause infection.
Gamer30168@reddit
Brilliant! I can't believe I forgot about those!
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
How about a flamethrower?? Too much??
SnooHabits2486@reddit
And sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!
PageNotFoubd404@reddit
Ask him to check the top of the chimney, or something else on the roof, and take the ladder away once he’s up there. Rinse and repeat.
marvi_martian@reddit
Tell him you're a Jehovah's Witness and talk religion.
Many_Photograph141@reddit
This would definitely work on me.
JMLKO@reddit
“Thank goodness you stopped by, I’m always in need of a second pair of hands when I have to give my cat her twice daily shots. The shots always make her have explosive diarrhea so having someone standing by to clean it up before it dries is key! I can never get the scratches she gives me to heal. So you ready to go in?”
Many_Photograph141@reddit
Brutal. May be effective, unless the guy's into that kind of thing.
Puzzleheaded_Gear622@reddit
If he's blocking you tell him that you need to leave. If that doesn't work ask his wife if he has some form of dementia that he doesn't seem to understand when you want to leave your home and that he's blocking your driveway and he's harassing you. If all that doesn't work just ask him to go away and leave you alone. You don't have to be nice. But the next time he blocks your car and won't let you leave I'd be calling the police.
SumScrewz@reddit
Why not just tell him to fuck off, that you have work to do? Worked for Cyrus...
Neeneehill@reddit
Start putting him to work when he comes over. Hey since you're here can you hang this shelf for me? Take the trash to the curb? Help me clean out my car?
Or ask him to borrow money!
MsChrisRI@reddit
Nothing that lets him inside the house. Raking leaves would be good right now.
“I figure you have nothing to do, you might as well get some exercise.”
ShamrockShakey@reddit
You only have to "accidentally" run over his foot once for this to stop. Or just have a screaming fit if he's going to make you late.
RedactsAttract@reddit
How do you “unethically” tell somebody to grow a pair of balls?
“Hey man, I cannot talk now. If I’m in the mood later I will let you know. You need to move your car, now, please.”
Knee_Grow77@reddit
Piss disks and fart spray is always the answer.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
Maybe if I inject milk along the property line???
hereforpopcornru@reddit
Yes.. he probably walks around the se area.. load up a cn if fart spray with a fishing line noose around the handle and string it out to a stone or something near the walkway
::;:. 🚶♂️
ColdBloodBlazing@reddit
5 strands of barbed wire, one hot wite
meepbeepimmasheep@reddit
You know what's up
ColdBloodBlazing@reddit
Exactly!
paranormalresearch1@reddit
While filming with your phone, ask him why he keeps doing this? Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. If he’s just a chatterbox he will apologize and that will be that. If he is a creep he will know he’s outed and retreat. Don’t be afraid to tell him you will let his wife know and if there is repeated, unwanted, uninvited contact you will file a stalking complaint. Then tell him he’s trespassed from your property. Any of these combos will work. Then if it continues, call the police and follow up on what you said the consequences would be.
Technical-Secret-436@reddit
Find out who the neighborhood gossip is and tell her "I'm confidence" that it makes you uncomfortable and you think he's got a crush on you and your concerned for your safety. At concerned about his marriage. Pretty soon the whole neighborhood will be talking about it and it'll eventually get back to his wife who will be so embarrassed that she'll make him stop. With any luck the neighborhood grandmas will adopt you and you'll also get an endless supply of baked goods.
eccentric_bee@reddit
Wear an ankle weight on one leg, just to make a bulky spot on your ankle under your trousers. While talking to him, complain about how hard these monitors are to deal with in hot weather, so itchy! If he asks what you were charged with, just mention that your "old neighbor deserved it", and "it was worth it", and imply that was why you had to move.
Freshouttapatience@reddit
It’s so nice to talk to people since I’ve been on home arrest for several years.
LarryCrabCake@reddit
Piss disk landmines and milk-injection tripwires
PaixJour@reddit
Walk outside with phone. Hit video record button. Carry phone casually, walk about the yard, wait for neighbour to show up and approach. Say it loud, ''why do you ALWAYS come over here when I am outside?''. Then tell him to stay in his own property, to stop blocking your egress from your own driveway, and the next time it happens, you are calling the police. Go inside your house, wait for wife to return. Go straight over there, replay the video and sound recording. Then get some fencing, and hedgerow plants, trees, shrubs ... and a big dog.
Kittyfeetdontrepeat@reddit
"please don't walk in my yard, we just put down flea and tick treatment. They're just awful this time of year."
bcardin221@reddit
Talk to him about something mundane. Like your cats and their daily routine. Get super granular and specific and don't stop talking.
throwaway7264235@reddit
Nah tell him the qualities of your most recent poo or the color of your urine. Ask what he thinks about it
BrunoGerace@reddit
... Add how your son (boyfriend, nearby uncle) is a Federal Marshal, expected soon and for the win, add something about that case of gonorrhea.
Goodgoditsgrowing@reddit
Not a chance that doesn’t backfire.
Kielbasa_Nunchucka@reddit
punji stick pits
scsoutherngal@reddit
Cow payties
masterofnewts@reddit
Big scary dog
Aromatic-Track-4500@reddit
Tell him a crazy story about yourself…doesn’t have to be true. Something wild enough for him to step back and think about if you’re the type of person he wants to be associating with
Brilliant-Rise-6415@reddit
Do what I used to do when my cattle would not get out of the way. Just start rolling, he'll move.
Punkeewalla@reddit
Cell phone in your pocket. When he shows up, answer the phone and walk away saying something like, "gotta take this. Funny how it always happens when you come into my yard." Or something like, "Gotta go. Say hi to your wife." Then go inside until he's gone. If he can't take the hint, tell his wife that you want to be left alone. Some neighbours you can live without.
Cheap-Disaster4459@reddit
“Beware the camels nose”
DementedUncle@reddit
Tell his wife he's hassling you and you want it to stop.
IAmTheLizardQueen666@reddit
This. No need to be polite or shy when he isn’t.