ULPT Request: how can I discourage my neighbor from coming into my yard
Posted by Cyndy2ys@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 77 comments
I posted this story on LPT but it was removed because I didn’t read the rules carefully (whoops) Anyway my (F, 50) neighbor (M early 60s) comes over to my yard to talk to me whenever he sees me outside and his wife isn’t home. I’m kind of new to the neighborhood so I don’t know this guy. It’s gotten to the point where he’s either blocked the path to my car (which made me late) or tried to stop my car when I was pulling out to leave. Sometimes I just want to do things in my yard in peace. I’m saving up to plant some tall shrubs between our yards, but until then there’s no real boundary. I need some ideas to subtly or overtly discourage him from coming over every time I’m outside.
Veastli@reddit
Wear earbuds, start talking like you're on the phone whenever he appears, then walk away from him.
PandaDad22@reddit
Too ethical.
AndarianDequer@reddit
I came here to say this. Pretend you're always on a call.
Many_Photograph141@reddit
Pretend you went deaf.
Gsogso123@reddit
I play a lot of poker and do a variation of this when I sit next to a particularly annoying player that just wants to talk constantly. With my headphones in I let them say whatever they are trying to say to me twice, then I look at them and take my headphones out of my ear and say, sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I have the noise cancellation on can you repeat. I let them repeat, I answer nicely, put the headphones back in and when they start talking to me again I repeat the process. Usually only takes once, sometimes twice. If that fails, I just ignore them because the noise cancellation on iPod pro 2’s is amazing. For the record, I only do this if someone won’t stop talking about nonsense for a long time, like 45 minutes or so. I am a very patient person. This just kind of demonstrates that their constant blabbing is requiring active work from me to hear, most people get the message.
prez-scr00b@reddit
Pepper Spray.
Longjumping-Ant-77@reddit
Carry a massive dildo in your hand every time you leave your house.
fun_crush@reddit
This is where the "counter politics" trick works. Find out his political party and support the opposite. He likes Trump... you like Kamalla... and vice versa. Also, never stop talking about how much you support T or K for president. This is the easiest way to get anyone to stop talking to you.
Exciting_Piccolo_823@reddit
Tell him your SO doesn't like you chatting with him and it's become a discussion at home
awalktojericho@reddit
I hate that this works so much. Like women can't be just respected unless they "belong" to a man.
Old_Turnover6183@reddit
Just tell him. Like you would a 2 year old. That way you are kind, but also clear.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
I work in an elementary school, this could work… “no thank you! No THANK you!! We stay in our own bubble. We do not go into other peoples bubbles unless we ask first and get permission. Are you in my bubble right now? Did you ask to come in my bubble? Did I invite you into my bubble? OK what can we do to fix this now? And what can we do differently next time?” 😂😂😂
workitloud@reddit
You got this. View the wife as his parent. He exhibits “odd” behavior. She should know that he wanders in your yard. Make it sound like all hours of the day & night.
keencleangleam@reddit
That's so perfect!
xtimewitchx@reddit
I was thinking exactly this. But it’s like, way too ethical
Gamer30168@reddit
Razor wire fence, tank traps, machine gun nests, and land mines should do the trick!
Backsight-Foreskin@reddit
Punji stake trap. Make sure to shit on the stakes to cause infection.
Gamer30168@reddit
Brilliant! I can't believe I forgot about those!
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
How about a flamethrower?? Too much??
SnooHabits2486@reddit
And sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!
PageNotFoubd404@reddit
Ask him to check the top of the chimney, or something else on the roof, and take the ladder away once he’s up there. Rinse and repeat.
marvi_martian@reddit
Tell him you're a Jehovah's Witness and talk religion.
Many_Photograph141@reddit
This would definitely work on me.
JMLKO@reddit
“Thank goodness you stopped by, I’m always in need of a second pair of hands when I have to give my cat her twice daily shots. The shots always make her have explosive diarrhea so having someone standing by to clean it up before it dries is key! I can never get the scratches she gives me to heal. So you ready to go in?”
Many_Photograph141@reddit
Brutal. May be effective, unless the guy's into that kind of thing.
Puzzleheaded_Gear622@reddit
If he's blocking you tell him that you need to leave. If that doesn't work ask his wife if he has some form of dementia that he doesn't seem to understand when you want to leave your home and that he's blocking your driveway and he's harassing you. If all that doesn't work just ask him to go away and leave you alone. You don't have to be nice. But the next time he blocks your car and won't let you leave I'd be calling the police.
SumScrewz@reddit
Why not just tell him to fuck off, that you have work to do? Worked for Cyrus...
the_honest_liar@reddit
Motion sensor sprinklers.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
Motion sensor liquid ass spray!
DrDeems@reddit
You didn't mention you are a scholar. Respect.
MsChrisRI@reddit
Being blunt and dismissive isn’t unethical, but he’ll see it as “mean” which would still be fun.
If he blocks your car as you’re trying to leave, lean hard on the horn and continue inching the car toward him until he moves.
If he blocks you while walking to your car, “why are you blocking me? I’m running late and I don’t have time for games.”
In general:
“Where’s your wife? Shouldn’t you catch up on housework while she’s out, instead of interrupting my peace?”
“Where’s your wife? You should stay home and send her over. She and I have more in common.”
If it continues, imply he’s losing competence. “Are you lost? You live in that house, not this one. Go on home now.”
Neeneehill@reddit
Start putting him to work when he comes over. Hey since you're here can you hang this shelf for me? Take the trash to the curb? Help me clean out my car?
Or ask him to borrow money!
MsChrisRI@reddit
Nothing that lets him inside the house. Raking leaves would be good right now.
“I figure you have nothing to do, you might as well get some exercise.”
ShamrockShakey@reddit
You only have to "accidentally" run over his foot once for this to stop. Or just have a screaming fit if he's going to make you late.
RedactsAttract@reddit
How do you “unethically” tell somebody to grow a pair of balls?
“Hey man, I cannot talk now. If I’m in the mood later I will let you know. You need to move your car, now, please.”
Knee_Grow77@reddit
Piss disks and fart spray is always the answer.
Cyndy2ys@reddit (OP)
Maybe if I inject milk along the property line???
hereforpopcornru@reddit
Yes.. he probably walks around the se area.. load up a cn if fart spray with a fishing line noose around the handle and string it out to a stone or something near the walkway
::;:. 🚶♂️
Renob78@reddit
Tell the cocksucker to get the hell out of the way and that you got shit to do.
FlipMyWigBaby@reddit
Befriend the wife. “Are you having marital problems, as your husband seems to be stalking me?”
CummyMonkey420@reddit
Shit, DM me her number and I'll call her asking her "where can I deliver these flowers addressed to [OPs Name]"
ColdBloodBlazing@reddit
5 strands of barbed wire, one hot wite
meepbeepimmasheep@reddit
You know what's up
ColdBloodBlazing@reddit
Exactly!
paranormalresearch1@reddit
While filming with your phone, ask him why he keeps doing this? Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. If he’s just a chatterbox he will apologize and that will be that. If he is a creep he will know he’s outed and retreat. Don’t be afraid to tell him you will let his wife know and if there is repeated, unwanted, uninvited contact you will file a stalking complaint. Then tell him he’s trespassed from your property. Any of these combos will work. Then if it continues, call the police and follow up on what you said the consequences would be.
Technical-Secret-436@reddit
Find out who the neighborhood gossip is and tell her "I'm confidence" that it makes you uncomfortable and you think he's got a crush on you and your concerned for your safety. At concerned about his marriage. Pretty soon the whole neighborhood will be talking about it and it'll eventually get back to his wife who will be so embarrassed that she'll make him stop. With any luck the neighborhood grandmas will adopt you and you'll also get an endless supply of baked goods.
SkipJack270@reddit
Landmines.
jlverno@reddit
Or the threat thereof.
SkipJack270@reddit
I feel like putting up a sign that warns of landmines is really only effective if you are sure there are mines. Like putting up a sign that says “Beware of Dog” and there’s no dog there.
Epsilia@reddit
Who is going to take that risk?
TheTechJones@reddit
got it, so i need to hit rent an excavator for a crater, hit up the Halloween store for body parts, and hit the edges of the hole with a weed torch? (maybe some carefully marked X's in the lawn in a zig zaggy path?)
SkipJack270@reddit
Or go to the local taxidermy place, get a bunch of guts and offal, wait till two in the morning, light an M80 then throw the guts all over the neighbors yard, fence and home.
jlverno@reddit
Good point.
eccentric_bee@reddit
Wear an ankle weight on one leg, just to make a bulky spot on your ankle under your trousers. While talking to him, complain about how hard these monitors are to deal with in hot weather, so itchy! If he asks what you were charged with, just mention that your "old neighbor deserved it", and "it was worth it", and imply that was why you had to move.
Freshouttapatience@reddit
It’s so nice to talk to people since I’ve been on home arrest for several years.
RunAgreeable7905@reddit
Has he got dementia? If he has offer to drive him to town. Then just leave him there.
imsharing@reddit
Upvoting because truly unethical
LarryCrabCake@reddit
Piss disk landmines and milk-injection tripwires
PaixJour@reddit
Walk outside with phone. Hit video record button. Carry phone casually, walk about the yard, wait for neighbour to show up and approach. Say it loud, ''why do you ALWAYS come over here when I am outside?''. Then tell him to stay in his own property, to stop blocking your egress from your own driveway, and the next time it happens, you are calling the police. Go inside your house, wait for wife to return. Go straight over there, replay the video and sound recording. Then get some fencing, and hedgerow plants, trees, shrubs ... and a big dog.
Kittyfeetdontrepeat@reddit
"please don't walk in my yard, we just put down flea and tick treatment. They're just awful this time of year."
bcardin221@reddit
Talk to him about something mundane. Like your cats and their daily routine. Get super granular and specific and don't stop talking.
throwaway7264235@reddit
Nah tell him the qualities of your most recent poo or the color of your urine. Ask what he thinks about it
BrunoGerace@reddit
... Add how your son (boyfriend, nearby uncle) is a Federal Marshal, expected soon and for the win, add something about that case of gonorrhea.
Goodgoditsgrowing@reddit
Not a chance that doesn’t backfire.
Kielbasa_Nunchucka@reddit
punji stick pits
impactes@reddit
Fart, loudly, and as much as possible.
I had a neighbor who decided he wanted to chat whenever I was outside doing yard work.
One day, unknown to me, he walked up behind me when I happened to let out a two bowls of spicey chili fart loud enough to scare the birds.
He was far less interested in chit chating after that.
throwaway7264235@reddit
Pick your nose and inspect the result, pick a wedgie and offer him a handshake with that hand, go out in the yard regularly looking like a troll who’s lost their bridge… destroy any concept of feminine mystique he has about you
scsoutherngal@reddit
Cow payties
masterofnewts@reddit
Big scary dog
VixenTraffic@reddit
Set an alarm with your ringtone to go off a minute after you walk out of your house.
Let it go off until you see him approaching, then “answer” and start a fake conversation while you get in your car and drive away.
Give him a friendly wave and mouth “sorry,” as you drive away.
Aromatic-Track-4500@reddit
Tell him a crazy story about yourself…doesn’t have to be true. Something wild enough for him to step back and think about if you’re the type of person he wants to be associating with
Brilliant-Rise-6415@reddit
Do what I used to do when my cattle would not get out of the way. Just start rolling, he'll move.
lr0nman_dies_Endgame@reddit
Leave little piles of dog shit all over your yard. He’ll probably step on them a couple of times and figures it’s best to stay out your way
Punkeewalla@reddit
Cell phone in your pocket. When he shows up, answer the phone and walk away saying something like, "gotta take this. Funny how it always happens when you come into my yard." Or something like, "Gotta go. Say hi to your wife." Then go inside until he's gone. If he can't take the hint, tell his wife that you want to be left alone. Some neighbours you can live without.
Cheap-Disaster4459@reddit
“Beware the camels nose”
DementedUncle@reddit
Tell his wife he's hassling you and you want it to stop.
IAmTheLizardQueen666@reddit
This. No need to be polite or shy when he isn’t.