How can I teach my autistic son about respecting black people's hair?
Posted by misses_mop@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 150 comments
As the title says. My son's (7) very close to a select few children, in his class. Some of these children are black. He likes to touch people's hair, for sensory reasons. However, he's created a habit of going over to his friends who are black and even getting upset when they won't let him touch their hair.
I want to teach my son about the culture and how it's not appropriate to touch people's hair, regardless of race, because we should respect people's space. My son responds to logic.
Could anybody educate me and possibly give me some appropriate things to teach my son?
Thank you.
SuCkEr_PuNcH-666@reddit
If your son responds to logic, then just flip it round on him with examples of things he really doesn't like.
For example... "you know how you really don't like it when someone (insert action that son doesn't like here) to you? Well, some people feel the same way when someone else touches their hair. You can't touch the hair of people you don't know because maybe you will end up making them feel how you feel when "X" happens and that wouldn't be nice for them.".
CedrikNobs@reddit
Easier to explain why he shouldn't touch anyone's hair without their permission.
It's a personal space and boundary thing as well as consent.
octohussy@reddit
I think it’s ideal to expand on this as a lot of people I know with kinky hair have expressed that white people are constantly asking to feel their hair and it makes them uncomfortable.
I’m white but have very wavy hair which has been grabbed a lot. I still feel kind of forced when people ask if they can touch it. I’ve mostly chatted about the issue with a few black people who’ve had similar issues with kinky hair, but they’ve noted that there’s also an ickiness from a racial level. It might be worth asking some of the black parents how they’d like this issue to be handled as they may not feel comfortable with him asking.
Status_Common_9583@reddit
Whilst I agree as my childhood was filled with this, I think the suggestion of teaching him to just not touch anyone’s hair is the most age appropriate thing for now. Him going to school and announcing “my parents said I can’t touch YOUR hair because you’re black” will he a brand new, potentially worse issue lol
octohussy@reddit
That’s a valid point. In my own experience (again to reiterate very white person who may miss out on any shitty racial implications), could it be helpful to suggest that he only ask to touch the hair of his close friends?
Whilst I’m aware autism may cause issues with the definition of ‘close friends’, it may be helpful to define that these are the people who approach and talk to you a lot during break time, over many months. I know I don’t mind when my close friends ask to touch my hair and didn’t back in school.
Status_Common_9583@reddit
I was the same tbh but I think there’s a lot of people who hated being touched for any reason stemming back to childhood. I’m favouring the idea of keeping it black and white, if you’ll pardon the pun haha, until OPs child is old enough to understand this general topic with a bit more nuance. I’m sure in time it’ll be easier to explain to him that different people have different boundaries, and understanding reasons why people prefer not to be touched
octohussy@reddit
Yeah, I totally misread your previous comment (pub goggles) and thought you were suggesting that he ask before he touch anyone’s hair. My reading comprehension was clearly shite.
Definitely better that the bairn play it safe. If he’s interested in different hair textures, I imagine styling dolls and hair tutorials would be a fun way to bridge the gap of inquisitiveness, exploration, and respect.
Status_Common_9583@reddit
Haha no worries! Dolls and other things that resemble hair sound like a great shout. Friendly pets could work too, I loved going to the petting zoo as a kid and in hindsight it was because it was interesting to understand what all the animals felt like.
Side note, I bloody love the word bairn!
octohussy@reddit
I think petting zoos are a good way to explore textures, but I definitely wouldn’t link it to human hair. I’ll never forget when a bloke with kinky hair grabbed my hair in a kebab shop because he said it reminded him of sheep which was just 🙃🙃.
After a few other grabby incidents, I’ve since started straightening if I’m staying out late on the town!
Status_Common_9583@reddit
Oh yeah I didn’t mean outright telling the kid it’s a substitute for peoples hair!! 🤣 more so just using it as another outlet to temporarily divert his interests and curiosities away from his classmates hair.
Even_Command_222@reddit
At 7, I think you ignore the consent part and just teach them boundaries. Otherwise they'll start asking people to touch their hair and a lot of people will just allow it even though they're uncomfortable with it so they'll keep doing it.
CleoJK@reddit
Proximity and the rules are important, arms out, arms length test, if you can touch someone you're too close.
Teaching consent age appropriately, and very clearly. No fluffing around the edges. If you touch someone without consent, it's assault. Them the rules outside, you're not saying it to upset him, though he may get upset. But if you don't teach him, you'll be setting him up to fail.
pajamakitten@reddit
It is especially important to be direct is they have autism. Other kids learn with time and not make the mistakes they make as young kids by watching and learning. A child with autism is going to struggle with that, so it is important to take time to stop inappropriate behaviour immediately.
CedrikNobs@reddit
Thank you for adding this
Sea_Midnight1411@reddit
Autistic adult here.
Try explaining it in terms of social rules. The rules say that you can’t hit other people. They also say you have to ask before you touch other people. If the other person says yes, you can touch them, but only in the way that you asked them about eg a hug. If they say no, that’s ok and you mustn’t touch them. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it’s just that they don’t want to be touched right now. Even if you want to touch them, they have said no so you can’t. You mustn’t ask them too often either (maybe no more than once a day) because they might feel like they have to let you touch their hair and that might make them feel upset.
We have these social rules so that everyone can feel comfortable and happy. We don’t hit each other because it can hurt people. We don’t touch other people without permission because it can make the other person feel upset.
Hope this helps- explaining the social rules very explicitly will hopefully make sense for him.
Emergency-Aardvark-6@reddit
It's not about afro hair, it's a full stop boundary.
My stepson is asc and adhd but he isn't sensory.
Repeating it helps. Although thats dependant on his level. Does he have a senco? An educational health care plan? Coordinate with them. This needs to be repeated at home and at school.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Yes, he has an EHCP, and I have daily contact with his schools SENCO. His struggles revolve around sensory, behavioural, and social.
I've had a few suggestions on replacement sensory sources to meet his sensory needs. The school is searching for a social story, and I have many repeated phrases that I and the school use a lot to discourage inappropriate behaviour.
Emergency-Aardvark-6@reddit
It's possible you won't get anything from this sub. I used to use the autism ones on here but they became toxic. Maybe there are better ones now.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can and pulling your hair out. Know that one.
Is he mainstream or a sen school? If I were you I'd be looking around for the sen schools that have places or schools with big sen units. I've been there. Dm , I'll get back to you tomorrow with my experience and suggestions, if you'd like. Huge hugs x
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I really appreciate your response. It's a tough job.
My son's school has stated they can't meet my son's needs. This has been communicated to his EHCP case worker/Local Authority many times. There are simply no specialist provisions that meet my son's needs or if there is there's no spaces and a waiting list as long as a piece of string. It's an ongoing battle. I've resided myself to taking things 1 day at a time because if I let myself get ahead of things, I get myself into a flurry of panic. He's so bliddy smart, and I so desperately want him to meet his academic potential, but his social, behaviour, and sensory needs hold him back in a mainstream setting.
Emergency-Aardvark-6@reddit
With my stepson, the school said they couldn't keep him safe.
That is kick out time. However we had no choice, the school couldn't meet his needs and couldn't keep him safe. He'd been bullied so badly over 2 years because of his lack of social skills. He finally flipped and because he knew martial arts, the bullies ended up with cuts and bruises.They had sod all resources. They couldn't watch him every second of the day but he was end of Yr 7. We spent years telling him to walk away from them, he did most of the time but sometimes he came home with bruises.
He had to be online schooled by the school. He had the online lessons and in person tutors for the basics. Thankfully, his mum could work from home at that point. It took us 3 months to find a mainstream school with a big sen unit. The more specialised schools available were for kids with more advanced needs. They would have taken him but he functions well so we said no. There are huge waiting lists.
It's been the SALT and him getting a older (16 now), 9 when his symptoms really kicked into play. The bullies followed him from primary school. His SALT has been amazing. Whilst waiting for the system to eventually work,1 I took the government qualifications and started the CBT and DBT with him. It's what she does with him now.
Icy-Station6004@reddit
I don’t think you actually need to educate your son about why it might be particularly an issue for black friends if it seems like he might struggle to grasp that or accidentally cause offence if he repeats part of what you say to them.
It’s totally fine for any person on earth to say no to being touched or to find even being asked to stoke their hair as too much outside of family. I’d just focus on that as a really simple and clear message.
All that actually needs to happen at 7 is that he learns not to touch other people’s hair, that he learns to manage his own disappointment about that and that he finds appropriate objects to satisfy his sensory needs rather than people around him.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
That was my main concern, that he misunderstands or mis-words something I've taught him.
I agree, I think the main things being said are not to over complicate things and teach him the basics of how it's not okay to touch anyone's hair without permission.
I tend to overthink stuff. My son really responds to logic. He's incredibly smart. Sometimes, I just need to take to keep things simple.
Duchess_Witch@reddit
I too am very logical and on spectrum. If it doesn’t make sense to me I’m not going to do something. I could give a flying fig why it’s the “right thing” in your mind. So equate it to something else you have already explained is a no because of x reason. If it’s sensory, equate it to clothes. We don’t pet or touch other people’s clothes because it makes them uncomfortable and we don’t want them to come touch our own clothes. OR we don’t eat other peoples food because it’s their food. Etc. For me, I don’t want others annoyed at me for “being weird” so that usually is enuff for me. 😆
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Yeah, that's the basis of my thoughts. I can't say 1 thing to my son without a million follow-up questions. I'm rubbish with words, so I like to be prepared when I'm approaching certain subjects. I have to use a lot of logic when explaining danger to my son. Something he has no awareness of.
Duchess_Witch@reddit
Saaaame. Mines the same way- he too is like me. He wants to the know the WHY and HOW of everything. To feed that outlet and minimize questioning on every little thing- Keep encouraging it but have him explore subjects that are substantive and have lots of depth to feed the need for information. Mine loved to “see how things worked” I fed him so much learning and science experiments that kept him researching for hours. If it gives you hope- he’s a Junior studying plant and fungal root systems now. I work in law. The endless stimulus of another question being research is truly exciting. Might be helpful for your little one. Find his interests and feed it in a healthy way.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I can't tell you how excited I am to see what my son will be as an adult. His special interests at present are boilers/radiators/heating systems. He knows everything you could know about a boiler system. When my boiler broke last month, I needed an in-depth explanation of the problem from the heating engineer so I could tell my son. A throwaway answer would not have cut it. He's exceptional with numbers and has been since he was 1.
UserCannotBeVerified@reddit
Just explain about personal space... and explain it to him as if he is the person who is being touched without consent, I'm assuming he wouldn't like it if someone tried to touch/grab/inspect his hair while he's trying to just get through the day? I'm autistic and I hate people touching me, especially if I'm not aware of their presence. I recently had a child following me around IKEA grabbing at and pulling my hair (I have dreads) and it's parent didn't give a shit. This stray child was climbing the shop fixtures when it saw me and honed in on its new fixation of following me halfway around the shop, running up and pulling my hair from behind or "cheekily" sneaking up and slowly extending his hand towards my face before desperately grabbing anything and yanking. I somehow kept my cool (this kid was maybe 8 or 9, old enough to know better, and was unrelenting in it's focus on me for a good 20 minutes at least) while I tried to get the attention of the parents, and when this didn't work I had to use my parenting voice to tell the child off and explain that it's rude and invasive to approach someone in the personal space and then touch them.... the urge I had to grab that kids hair and start pulling his hair in retaliation was insane, especially when the parents made eye contact with me as I'm asking them to restrain their child and they just carried on shopping.
Nulleparttousjours@reddit
What the actual fuck?! It never fails to amaze me how utterly feral some parents allow their kids to become and act. I’ve met young kids who have never heard “no” and are allowed to tear around unchecked like a Tasmanian devil, even physically grabbing and touching strangers unabashedly and it’s vile.
It happened to me once, a little kid had his hands all over me grabbing and pulling at my clothes more and more aggressively whilst laughing his head off because he knew it was naughty. He had no idea of the connotations due to his age but I literally felt like I was being assaulted and, indeed, like you mentioned in another comment “like a reverse creep.”
Eventually I shoved him in the chest with a firm “NO!” and extremely wide-eyed, stern face. Not enough to hurt him or knock him down but enough to jolt him into stopping, looking shocked and stopping the behavior. I don’t want to nominate myself as being the proverbial “village” to any kids but occasionally you are shoved into a position where you have no choice but to do something of appropriate force due to some of the terrible, neglectful parenting out there.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Bloody hell! I'm so sorry you had this experience. I have a ton of sensory needs and can't stand my skin being touched. You have the patience of a saint because I would have lost my shit at that!
UserCannotBeVerified@reddit
I did have to text one of my friends during the whole ordeal and just say "how illegal is it if I punch a random child in the face?" 😅 I was trying to measure up storage boxes when he first approached me and in the end I just put them all in the bag and bought them all to just measure up at home... I had to take most of them back the next day and even just walking back into ikea I felt abit panicky as if this rando kod was gonna be there again to start grabbing at me... thing is too, as an adult, it's hard to know how to react when a child starts touching you... like, I felt like a reverse creep if that makes sense? We all know that if you see a random adult approach and touch a random child to make a scene about it and get authorities involved, but I had no idea what to do when it's some random kid touching me - the adult... it was weirdly kinda scary :S
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
That kid's parent did not do their job that day! I actually know the panicky feeling you're talking about when you walked back into Ikea. And I know exactly what you're saying when you said 'reverse creep.' I hate it when kids talk to me in parks and similar settings. Always tell the kid to go find their adult.
Cardabella@reddit
It's basic consent, same as I hope you've been teaching him.anout his own body. You don't get to touch anybody without permission and other people don't get to touch you. We touch hands when we shake hands or high five. Only parents or a doctor get to touch under where a swimming costume goes. Touching head, hair, face, front etc only with permission and accept people's no. Etc.
SpiritedVoice2@reddit
I have children the similar age and they seem to be pretty much oblivious to race still (they are mixed race themselves but I'm not sure that's a factor).
I've put off any type of conversation on the subject and will do as long as possible. I'm not going to pop that bubble they're in.
peppermintmeow@reddit
We need to keep our hands to ourselves.
Boom. Done.
Remember the K.I.S.S. method. Keep it simple, silly!
Money-Atmosphere9291@reddit
Your Reddit avatar is black. Tell him he can touch your Reddit avatars hair instead.
Norman_debris@reddit
Agreed. Blackness isn't relevant. It's about respecting personal space.
Spirited-Order-9271@reddit
It is though, unwanted touching is a very common experience for black people.
pajamakitten@reddit
A seven year old does not really care about race though. I can understand if this was an adult touching another adult, however we are talking about kids here. Kids at that age do not understand racism
xcountry918@reddit
Ofc, and that’s racist and horrible. but it’s not relevant to the discussion about personal space with a neurodivergent 7 year old. He’s a kid. Keeping it simple is most likely the best way to not confuse the issue. Add nuance as he gets older.
will0593@reddit
it is definitely relevant, lots of us have had to put up with unwanted touching as part of being seen as some manner of 'exotic minority' for lack of a better term. But maybe this 7 year old might not understand that level of nuance yet.
Norman_debris@reddit
But nobody wants to be stroked by the autistic kid.
It's like saying dangerous driving is most likely to injure cyclists, so you should drive safely to protect cyclists. Well, yes, but you should drive safely to protect everyone. Whether one group overall suffers more is irrelevant to the requirement that you don't drive dangerously.
Thin-Word-4939@reddit
Teach him to keep his hands to himself, touching other people's hair, even non black people, is rude and weird. Others shouldn't be subject to your kid's weird desires.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Sensory needs aren't weird, and that's a really uneducated thing to say about a special needs child. I'm clearly trying to teach my son this, but I wanted to reach out to the black community to see if they had any advice. Something I could teach my son. Navigating a SEN child's day to day needs and behaviours is difficult.
sunkathousandtimes@reddit
Not the person you replied to, but as an autistic person with sensory processing issues - yes, touching someone’s hair without their consent is weird. Outside of immediately family / a partner. It breaks social norms.
Your child’s sensory needs do not override that. Now, if the person you replied to said that your child couldn’t satisfy their sensory needs in a harmless way because that would be weird, then they would be wrong. But they are correct that it is weird to touch someone’s hair without their consent (and frankly, even if you ask for it, it’s weird outside of very limited circumstances). Nobody has to be a source of sensory stimulation for your child if they don’t want to, and the reality is that the overwhelming majority of the world would find it weird if someone started touching their hair.
SpiritedVoice2@reddit
Its frustrating reading these replies and some of the comments the OP is getting. Talking about a seven year in old in these terms well out of line to me.
It would be fucking weird if an adult went around touching people's hair without permission.
But this kid would have been in reception two years ago, it's not that weird at all, they are still learning and additionally have SEN needs. The OP is here asking for help addressing the issue and sounds like they're doing a great job.
I hope the OP isn't taking this shit to heart too much. Your kid could be in my kids class, they're the right age.
If mine came home and told me so and so keeps touching their hair I wouldn't tell them it's weird and I wouldn't think less of you or your kid. I'd just have a reasonable and age appropriate conversation about consent and how children are all still learning.
Additionally the person that used the phrase "weird desires" comes across as a full on sociopath to me.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I appreciate your support. X
middleparable@reddit
“Your kid’s weird desires” this is just incredibly rude. Sensory issues aren’t weird desires. Wtf
antdb1@reddit
send him to a school that has a special ed program they are trained to teach him basic boundary things like this.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Oh, if only it was that simple. You don't just simply send a child to a specialist provision. The Local Authority when it comes to SEN provisions is an absolute mine field.
After_Hovercraft7808@reddit
Show don’t tell: advise that you will show him….Touch his hair with sticky hands and don’t stop when he starts to seem uncomfortable and physically tense, wait until he says stop, he needs to understand how horrid it feels for others.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I understand what you're explaining. However, my son already hates being touched, so he understands that. I don't really want to deregulate him and also model behaviour I'm trying to discourage.
After_Hovercraft7808@reddit
Fair enough, ask him why he does something to others that he hates being done to him? He needs to stop. He can stroke his own hair if it is a stim.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Sensory seeking behaviour can be very specific. He might not even understand it himself. I do ask my son these things. Likewise with hitting. He will hit when he's dysregulated, but he's fully aware his doesn't like to be hit himself. These are all part of the struggle with autism.
fionsichord@reddit
This is a space I’ve worked in for a while as an OT. Social stories are often helpful as an explanation and also a reminder (because autistic kids are usually pretty busy with all the different thoughts and feelings racing around their heads so might need to hear or read stuff a few times for it to click- so we need to acknowledge that and be supportive) Something like:
It’s not ok to touch other people’s hair. That’s their space and their bodies, and they’re trying to do things and think about things. Being touched distracts them.
Even the people whose hair feels nicest to touch will get embarrassed or annoyed if you walk up and do it at school in front of people (so you really have to try and resist, maybe take something else to school that you can touch instead)
At home, where there aren’t as many people, a friend might let you touch their hair after you ask politely (wait until they say yes though!) if it still feels important to you, but they might also say no so be ready for either answer.
[just off the top of my head] Someone I know with autism + lots of sensory stuff pokes people with a finger, and it took a while to work out they needed some connection in that moment, we stop and connect them back in - “oh, are you poking? Do you need us to talk straight to you for a minute? Hi!” (accompanied by rubbing their arm or shoulder so they get appropriate contact from someone else). This usually works really well.
Think of it as ‘connection seeking’ through sensory input, then provide appropriate connection that isn’t touching hair.
Remote-Pool7787@reddit
He shouldn’t be touching anyone’s hair. You need to find alternative sensory sources
SpiritedVoice2@reddit
He's 7 though? Have you seen kids this age play?
My kids are constantly rubbing noses together with their friends, I don't know why but it seems like a thing at the moment. Then yesterday at school pick up I stood and watched a big group of them in the playground suplexing each other and doing pile ons.
This is all with the teaching staff and all the parents standing around, Christ knows what they do when there's less supervision.
Are you an educational professional? Because safeguarding is obviously a professional term in this context.
But it seems weird how a kid in your mind can be deemed to undermine safeguarding by touching someone's hair whereas in my kids school they seem to act as one giant homogeneous ball of rolling children most of the time. Someone is getting it wrong?
Remote-Pool7787@reddit
There is a massively difference between touching hair and physical play. Especially when it’s uninvited. Teaching children that it’s ok or harmless when certain people do that, completely undermines what children are taught about keeping themselves safe.
SpiritedVoice2@reddit
Nobody suggested to teach them that.
Most parents have probably come across this kind of situation, I have when one of my kids kept getting grabbed on the legs by a classmate.
I talked to my kid about what's appropriate and told them what to do if it happens again and also tell me. It did happen again a few weeks later so we spoke to the teacher and they did the year 1 talk on appropriate behaviours a few weeks early to tackle it.
The kid who was grabbing the legs was just a kid though, still learning the boundaries. Winds me up when people talk about this stuff so bluntly, seems to be a total lack of compassion here.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I know this. I am fully aware of the need to find alternative sensory sources that will be a task on it's own. This wasn't the advice I was asking for. I never said my son had a pass to do anything. You can clearly see I'm trying my best to teach him the total opposite. I want him to be a decent human being, and I want to raise him to be independent in society. Letting a special needs child get away with inappropriate behaviour prevents this.
KazulsPrincess@reddit
When my autistic son was seven, and getting in trouble at school for touching other children's hair, the teacher put Velcro on the underside of his desk. The hook side is scratchy, and the loop side is softer (like hair), so that gave him two different sensations. He also had a silky feeling lens cloth to rub.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I'm going to order some velcro now!
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caniuserealname@reddit
"It's rude to touch people's hair without their permission"
Why are you approaching this like it's okay for him to invade the personal space of the not-black kids?
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I may not have worded it properly, but that is definitely not my approach. I'm not okay with my son invading anyone's space, regardless of race.
My question was more aimed at the black community. I want to learn more about their issues with people touching their hair. I want to approach this situation from a place of understanding and knowledge. My son will ask questions, so I need to have the answers.
My son doesn't even understand the concept of race right now because he's been raised to treat everybody the same.
CoffeeandaTwix@reddit
I don't see why you want to confuse him by bringing race into it.
I sincerely doubt that that people are bothered here specifically because they are black. Adults adjacent to the situation will be the ones to notice that your son favours black people because he prefers that texture of hair, yet they should also understand quite clearly that there is no racial intent on the part of your son.
All he needs to know is touching anyone's hair is bad and that other people don't like it. You will have enough on your hands teaching that never mind trying to badly confuse him by telling him that it is better or worse to touch the hair of people of different racial backgrounds.
caniuserealname@reddit
If your son doesn't understand race as a concept then aiming any aspect of his understanding from a racial pov is entirely wrong..
You didn't work your query wrong, we understand that you're aiming your question at the black community, I am telling you that your question is wrong. Your question shouldn't be aimed at the black community, it shouldn't have been based on your original comment, and this new context reinforces that even further.
Again; teach him why it's wrong to touch anybodies hair uninvited and he'll stop touching the black kids hair uninvited by extension. If your son is struggling with respecting peoples rights to not have their bodies touched uninvited then you need to start with that, not work your way down from respecting a subset of peoples rights to a specific part of their body.
RedditSaltedCrisps@reddit
On a side note - I have heard this a lot, that it's really bad to touch black people's hair? Ive never been able to find a reason for this
Iconospasm@reddit
Same as teaching him about touching people's hair in general. It doesn't make it better or worse if they've got different skin colour.
Ruadhan2300@reddit
Yeah I don't like strangers touching my hair, but I have a short-back-and-sides and touching it won't be a problem really.
A four foot series of tight braids, or dreadlocks, or corn-rows, or any of a half dozen other styles I can think of are a much bigger deal than mere consent.
They may well have spent a whole day getting it that way, and potentially a lot of money too.
Source: my old flatmate was a black girl with waist-length braids. Her sister came around to redo it on a couple occasions and they staked out the lounge for the afternoon, ordered dinner in, and finished late.
Don't mess with the Do.
SoggyWotsits@reddit
I’m as white as can be with very curly hair. I’ve lost count of how many times people have reached out and ‘scrunched’ my hair because they like it. Race is irrelevant, some hair just takes a lot of effort to keep from becoming a massive ball of fluff!
Iconospasm@reddit
Completely agree on practicalities. Just not treating it as an ethnicity thing per se.
Ruadhan2300@reddit
I agree, it's definitely a personal space, consent and so on issue, not an ethnicity issue.
Just if they've put that work in, that's a factor too.
Psychological-Fox97@reddit
Not even just hair. Touching people in general is the issue. The part of the body nor the race matter.
Apidium@reddit
Honestly don't.
Teach your son that you can't touch anyone's hair without their permission.
Ultimately I would be very alarmed if anyone just came over and started touching my hair. And I ain't black.
As your child gets older if this isn't drilled in he's going to increasingly upset and alarm people.
He really doesn't need to learn or even know that it's especially harmful to do it to black folks. It's quite a weird and arbitrary line, for me as a kid (I'm also ND) I would not have understood it's okay to touch peoples hair, but if they are black you need to ask first. That's a weird and arbitrary line that makes very little sense without getting into a whole ass history lesson that a u yo does not need or want.
What might be good is to practice consent with you if he likes to touch your hair. Sometimes say no, remind him he needs to ask and accept the answer. Then try to find another action that fills that sensatory niche. If that means buying him some hair extensions then that's what it means.
Realistically this is something he will need to learn to redirect to something else. A 30yo man simply cannot be touching people's hair without their consent. If you do not teach your son appropriate coping techniques now the risk of a dangerous situation down the line is simply too high. It will be a good deal of trial and error and practice now.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Thank you, I think your response is probably most logical.
My biggest concern is getting these lessons into him now before he's an adult. I want my son to be able to be a decent member of society. I want him to understand what is wrong and right.
I'm going to try and find some consent games. And teach him not to touch other people.
dwair@reddit
My daughter who is autistic had similar issues around touching other children / personal space at about the same age. We found a couple of books to work through and talk about really helpful and solved the issues fairly quickly. These two (thanks to my wife who can actually remember stuff) were particular good.
An exceptional children's guide to touch and Personal space camp
Apidium@reddit
Have you popped into some autism subreddits? I'm mostly in ones for women but I'm sure there are some out there. Talking to people with autism who may have had these sorts of issues is a good way to learn what worked for them.
Parent groups can be hit or miss unfortunately sometimes they can be great, sometimes esp in groups for parents of kids with autism they can be absolutely awful.
For me at least when I can't do something a lot of the time it helps to have a similar alternative I can do instead that fulfills that niche but is something I can actually do.
I'm sure you both will get through this and on the other side kiddo will have a much better understanding of how to appropriately interact with others and how to self regulate. Which is ultimately one of the most important skills you can teach. Keep up the good work!
Direct-Discussion-54@reddit
“We do not touch people’s hair without permission.” Rinse and repeat. You can add the specific cultural reasons in bite sized pieces
Proof-Procedure-829@reddit
Hey. I’m autistic and appreciate sensory tactile things. I suggest keeping something in his pocket that he can touch when the need washes over him and it’s inappropriate to fulfil the need. Stimming is self soothing for an autistic brain so any kind of similar sensation might help. Logic-wise, tell him everyone is the king of their castle(body) and visitors have to knock before visiting the castle. Crude analogy but it might work!
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I love this analogy! Thank you!
I've decided I'm not going to bring race into the conversation with my son. I am just going to teach him about consent.
External-Praline-451@reddit
Even the consent thing might be too complicated. Because then he will still make people feel uncomfortable by asking and maybe they will say ok to be polite, etc. If he wants to touch someone's hair, would it be simpler if he could learn to redirect to touching a little stuffie with hair instead?
Scumbaggio1845@reddit
Honestly it would probably be better to teach those kids and their parents that he means no harm when he does that.
I know autistic people who are nearly 50 and still play with peoples hair, he may never stop so it’s just as important for his classmates to understand and accommodate as it is for him to be told about personal space.
If that demographic are reacting to his behaviour in a worse way than other ethnic groups then it’s their problem not yours.
SoCalledAdulting@reddit
While it's great to give them a heads up, saying it is their' problem is a bit silly. Black isn't an ethnic group btw.
Im presuming OP is not black and thus their child isn't, so the novelty of the texture of black hair is perhaps another thing that may be captivating their attention.
OP I appreciate your efforts to try and find a solution. If he is quite close with those friends, you could have a conversation with their parents if you see them on the school run. Might be easier to generalise not touching anyone without consent for now, and later in life when he's ready, introduce the nuance of it all.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I think that's what the plan is going forward. Consent and respecting personal space.
I appreciate you seeing my point of view.
CocoNefertitty@reddit
As a black woman, teach your son not to touch anyone’s hair and that he needs to respect people’s boundaries. If you make a “black people” thing that could create another fixation. Just tell him that it’s wrong to touch people without their consent.
ad1don@reddit
How about they learn about your son’s autism and understand it’s for sensory reasons?
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I want to raise my son to respect people and their personal space and culture. Disability isn't a reason to violate people's wishes about their body. If someone touched you and you didn't like it, would you suddenly be okay with it if they said it was for sensory reasons?
ad1don@reddit
So you would rather not offend another culture and put your sons needs second? Grow a backbone, your son’s feelings are most important here. I work with LD and you accept touching etc and normally a care giver or peer comes in and redirects the person.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Are you actually taking the piss? Nobody has the right to violate someone else's personal space. It is different when you sign up to work with people with learning difficulties. You'll go into that knowing there will be struggles with personal space/possible violence.
It's not about not wanting to offend anyone. It's about wanting to raise my son to be respectful of people.
EvilTaffyapple@reddit
I hope this is a joke
ad1don@reddit
I’m sure the root of this problem is OP doesn’t want her son to grow up and start a race war.
isisleo86@reddit
It doesn't matter that this child suffers from autism, that doesn't mean it's ok for him to touch people just because he wants to. Consent is a thing. People aren't toys. People have the right to NOT want to be touched (on any part of rheir body). Him having autism does not excuse that.
I wouldn't want someone else's hands in my hair, that's disgusting as hell.
Now their father can inteoduce something to give their son something else to rub or touch which would sooth their need to touch.
Someone else said to give him various wigs of different textures which could redirect him from touching other children/people which could be a great idea.
ad1don@reddit
If the colour of skin wasn’t raised by OP I’m sure you would be team autism and they can do what they want as they are exploring with touch etc etc
slackclimbing@reddit
This will only encourage the behaviour that touching other people is fine regardless of consent. This might only be a small issue when it's just with friends, but it's likely to escalate to strangers and maybe cause some bigger issues. It is very important to learn about boundaries, and when it's okay to touch others.
NecroVelcro@reddit
No one should have their boundaries violated and be subjected to unwanted touching, even for an autistic child.
767-200@reddit
You are joking. You can’t actually just allow them to touch anyone for “sensory reasons”. Everyone has the right to be left alone, not being treated as a toy by an autistic child, why on earth would they “learn”?
Jijimuge8@reddit
Came here for the virtue signalling comments and I wasn’t disappointed
CheeryBottom@reddit
My autistic son used to like pinching peoples bums and sniffing womens necks. Taking him out and about was a nightmare. I never learnt a tactic that stopped him but he saw those strings of plastic beads you see in B&M at Christmas time and carries them everywhere with him and isn’t interested in pinching bums or sniffing necks.
Thin-Word-4939@reddit
Sounds like you didn't do the one thing that needed to be done 👋
CheeryBottom@reddit
And what exactly should I have done to help my severely mentally impaired son understand. Go on, dazzle me!
BigEricShaun@reddit
I think judging from the Emoji, they meant a clip round the ear
pinkthreadedwrist@reddit
Sometimes distraction is the thing that works. Disability is tricky and just because you WANT someone to understand something really important doesn't mean that they will, no matter how hard you try.
CheeryBottom@reddit
Thank you. I’ve been judged by some self righteous idiots but having a stranger that has never met my profoundly disabled son, believe they know more about my sons disability and his capabilities, really is an absolute hoot.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I understand the desperate need to try and stop an inappropriate habit! My son was spitting a lot this year, and I tried absolutely everything I could think of to stop this. Social stories, offering other sensory items. Water play. Trying to understand and get into his brain. Writing events down to figure out the trigger. Then, he just stopped.
rheasilva@reddit
You should be teaching him not to touch anyone's hair , and that other people's bodies are not there for his "sensory reasons".
A white child can just as easily be upset by your son touching their hair as a black child.
Vanitoss@reddit
Make a social story to read to him with pictures. Show someone touching someone else's hair and it making them sad and upset. He'll get the message that touching people's hair makes people feel sad as they don't like it
Lazy_Industry_6309@reddit
Maybe just teach him to not randomly touch anybody.
Lanternestjerne@reddit
In general you should not make it into a racial or hair issue. It is basically about not touching people without their consent - no matter which part of the body.
Does he like animals .. like dogs? Begin with not touching dogs he meets. Maybe he already know that they might bite - they can get scared etc.
Tell him people are like that, they might punch him ( not bite).
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Thank you, I appreciate your compliment. I just want my kid to be a decent human. It's tough when they're neurodiverse teaching them.
I liked the example of stroking dogs because that's actually something I've drilled into them. They (all my kids) don't even attempt to stroke an animal unless they've asked the owner first, and I've given them the go-ahead. Sometimes, I need to remember to keep stuff simple. I'm an over thinker. Can you tell?
cat_ear_flipper@reddit
Explain we don’t touch peoples hair and redirect him to another source of sensory input. Social story is an excellent shout
throwaway_ArBe@reddit
An alternative way to meet the sensory need would help. I don't know if you could find anything of a similar texture?
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
That's what me and the school are on the hunt for at the moment.
Mysterious_Sugar7220@reddit
Velcro...my dad has this texture hair and as a child velcro always felt similar
nosomogo@reddit
They shouldn't be touching anyone without permission.
Psychological-Fox97@reddit
Why stop at hair? He shouldn't be touching anyone at all anywhere when they don't want him to. Doesn't matter what part or what race or gender or anything else.
If anything getting so specific with the example (hair and black people) seems like it will fail to make that lesson clear.
Fit-Pass-2398@reddit
Make some social stories Do some “comic strip conversations “ for your son to think what about what other people would feel
middleparable@reddit
Does your son attend a special needs school? His teachers might have some resources to help you or include boundary setting in his learning?
fishercrow@reddit
maybe a black baby doll with realistic hair? you can use the dolly as an alternative for his sensory needs, and also in a social story to explain why it’s important not only to respect people’s consent when it comes to touch, but also why black people in particular may be more upset by having their hair touched. explain that hair is a very important feature in black communities - this is a really good article about black hair, written in an accessible way. you know your son best and whether this level of explanation may be appropriate, but imo if he works very logically a more in-depth explanation may be suitable.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Yeah, that was my thinking. You can't give my son 1 piece of information without a million connecting questions. I want to be ready with those answers.
My_Knee_is_a_Ship@reddit
You teach your son about personal space, and asking first.
You also need to explain that it's ok if he's upset if someone says no, but he has to respect people's rights to do so.
He wouldn't appreciate people he doesn't know getting upset if they ask for a hug and he doesn't want to, or hugging him without permission.
I'm also just Gonna drop this link for BBC Radios 4's study into the anatomy of touch. It might help you.
That_Organization901@reddit
As others have said: make a list of things your son doesn’t like being touched but make a list yourself at the same time and take it in turns to add to it. If he has a sibling or another parent get them involved too. My personal worst is wool on my teeth, eugh!
Add things like other people touching your food, touching your drawings, even touching angry dogs etc so it’s fun and silly. Maybe add when people touch noisy things or open smelly things so it’s a full sensory thing.
Then make a list of things you all don’t mind being touched. Holding (clean) hands, hugging etc. Some of you might like a hand on your knee but some might not.
You can also do a list of things that feel good to touch and bring some in. Someone suggested Velcro as it’s two textures, also maybe a feather and some different fabrics and small stones. The more things the better.
Use these lists as a comparison to how many different ways people are different in just your family and how you all would never have known if you hadn’t asked each other.
So before he touches someone he doesn’t know, he has to think ‘what if this is on their no no list?’ and imagine if it was his biggest no no. What if it was okay though? Well… he will have to politely ask.
heavenhelpyou@reddit
Hi! My son is 6 and had a similar, boundary crossing, fixation. We taught him about personal boundaries, and linked up with his SEN liaison at school so that we could agree a joint way forward and both demonstrate the same rules, reasons and ways forward.
It worked tremendously- he's now the police of telling people off for being in each others space.
saintlywicked@reddit
As someone on the spectrum, if you teach him about consent and personal space, he will understand.
Also, I would suggest a stim toy if some kind! I have several with different textures and materials that help a lot. You might find that if he is able to get a similar sensory reaction from a toy, then he may just stop trying to touch hair pretty quickly.
lace_roses@reddit
My friend’s little boy is sensory seeking and loved touching people’s hair for a while (also my nails when I’d have them done). By the time he was 3 1/2 he’d been taught to politely ask “please may I touch your hair?” or “please may I touch your nails” and while I personally would always say yes, he’d know to respect it when people said no. Sure, to begin with, it required a lot of reinforcement from his parents, but I picked it up pretty quick and was very good about it. (Including always asking people who always said yes - he wouldn’t assume they’d say yes again).
So you are probably a bit late to teaching him this sort of thing but and it may be more difficult dealing with his resulting upset mood, but he should grasp the concept quickly as long as you are consistent about it.
inide@reddit
I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 3, non-verbal till I was 8, even now in my 30s I don't really know how to speak without purpose to make smalltalk and struggle adapting to new situations.
There is a common (thankfully becoming less common) misconception that autistic people lack empathy. Personally, based on my own experiences, I think that is because we often tend towards to having difficulty relating to situations where we don't have similar experiences as a point of reference
With that in mind, I would suggest bringing up times when someone had made him uncomfortable by being too close or messing with his hair, ask him how that makes him feel, and then point out that he's making the other kids feel that way. If he's anything like me then once he makes that connection he will likely feel a little guilty and be upset, so be prepared for that, from there you just need to encourage him to generally think about how he would like to be treated and to treat others the same way - but be very clear that that does not mean to treat others how they treat him, because once hes older that could easily lead him to unintentionally and unknowingly provoke conflict.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
I appreciate your point of view. :)
KirbysLeftBigToe@reddit
Touching people without consent. Or demanding permission to touch people regardless of race is wrong. While understanding common microaggressions and the people who experience them is also very valuable the not touching without consent thing comes way above.
Touching anyone without their consent will get him in far more trouble than whatever race they happen to be.
Obviously you need to make this clear and teach him about physical boundaries in a way that is accessible to him and his autism but being autistic doesn’t mean you can touch anyone you like without their consent so he will need to lean.
NicCola83@reddit
Is there anything your son doesn't like feel of?
I dunno, like someone touching his arm. If he responds to logic, try telling him touching some people's hair is like when people touch your arm. They don't like it.
Wouldn't bother bringing race into it.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Yeah, I think I'm going to take this route. I tend to overthink stuff.
poppybryan6@reddit
I don’t really think you needed to add ‘black’ in there. It’s not about black peoples hair, it’s about all people’s hair.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
There is absolutely an issue in society when it comes to people thinking it is okay to touch a black person's hair. This is the type of hair my son gravitates towards. Hence the reason I asked something specifically.
The_39th_Step@reddit
Nah there is a thing about people touching black people’s hair. It should be common decency but some people don’t even have that
UnpredictiveList@reddit
Maybe; but it has to be easier to teach a child not to touch anyone’s hair, perhaps without permissions, than just one ethnic group.
The_39th_Step@reddit
Yeah I agree with that entirely
Thin-Word-4939@reddit
No, this kid shouldn't be touching anyone's hair. Doofus
The_39th_Step@reddit
Obviously but there’s a literal stereotype attached around people touching black people’s hair. How often do you people touch your hair, I bet they don’t. It happens much more often to black people
C0nnectionTerminat3d@reddit
along with what others have said, is it possible to redirect him by getting something similar, a toy maybe that gives the same sensory need?
sadcrone@reddit
I'll echo what other people have said, as your son is showing interest in other people's bodies, it's time to be very clear about respecting other people's bodily autonomy.
Have you thought about getting extension samples and adding them to a keyring? Something like this: https://amzn.eu/d/cYr0Hof
danzoh@reddit
Create a social story explaining how others feel when they do it. Some workshops here: https://www.familyfund.org.uk/support/discover-digital/workshops/ipad-workshop-social-stories-17oct/
Accomplished-Bank782@reddit
This is a great shout. Social stories have worked really well for my son.
I’d consider making this as simple as possible and saying ‘no touching anyone’s hair without permission’ at this point - I’m aware that there are massive issues with people touching Black people’s hair and I don’t mean to underplay or dismiss that. But for this child, at this stage - keep it simple. Logically for him, perhaps saying ‘If we touch people without their consent they will feel sad or angry. If we cause people to feel sad or angry, they will not want to play with us,’ is probably about the level you want to pitch it. And perhaps also try to find a suitable sensory alternative for him too so that need is still be met in a way that doesn’t upset people?
Accomplished-Bank782@reddit
An idea about a potential sensory alternative - if your son’s friends have their hair in braids, how about something like a braided bracelet made of horse hair? There are loads online, people have them made as a memory of their horses but you can buy some made with ‘stock’ horse hair as well. I love the feeling of a little braid in my hair so I get why it would be a lovely sensory thing for him.
LopsidedEquipment177@reddit
Just tell him you cannot touch anyone for any reason unless it's warranted. What's with this title? It makes it sound like you'll allow him to touch anyone that isn't black. A lot of people are gonna read it that way.
WhaleMeatFantasy@reddit
Presumably the boy isn’t that bothered about non-black hair. What are you trying to read into a very decent request for help?
LopsidedEquipment177@reddit
Blocked.
Logical-Brief-420@reddit
I’m a white guy with an “afro” hair texture and have quite occasionally had people wanting to touch my hair for reasons I can’t fully understand, particularly drunk people are drawn to it like a magnet. I suppose just because it’s something different and slightly unique.
But it’s always slightly weird to have a stranger come up and touch you without saying anything, we wouldn’t find it appropriate to go up to a stranger and touch them anywhere else so I’m not sure why people find hair acceptable either. I imagine if I was a woman I’d find it a bit more violating given the circumstances.
On the flip side though I’ve never really had a problem with it if people ask, happy to sate their curiosity then.
Even-Tomatillo-4197@reddit
I understand the need for physical sensory contact, I’m sure others will have better information than me on how to teach him boundaries but I also wanted to suggest giving him to something else he can touch when he’s unable to feel the things he wants to. There are also lots of books aimed at educating children on black hair, these might help satisfy his curiosity too.
misses_mop@reddit (OP)
Thank you. His teachers are going to look for a social story, but I think I'll have a look into some books for home. My son has a big sensory need. Constantly in search of new and safe materials for him.
ramding1@reddit
I’ve read [this book] to my kids at school
MaleficentSwan0223@reddit
I’ll preface this by saying I’m a pale white girl so I’m trying to put forward what I’d say.
If he responds to logic encourage him and praise him for asking. If and when he encounters a no explain that hands easily damage and knot hair. You could explain that maybe they won’t have time to wash their hair so don’t want people hands in it.
Why don’t you see if you can buy him a wig of a similar style and put it on a teddy? Therefore he can always touch his teddies hair to get the sensory feedback he’s seeking.
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