Anyone had family never visit them?

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Berghunde@reddit

given that what i said doesn't give specifics thats not really possible.

sorry. hope that helps.

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akie@reddit

You can’t make one party responsible for maintaining a relationship. You can’t put the onus ONLY on the person who moved abroad. That’s not how it works - if you do that, the relationship will die.

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Berghunde@reddit

i don't think you understand what onus means, sorry.

maybe look up the meaning of words before wasting people's time with your replys.

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akie@reddit

Onus means responsibility, you’re welcome ofc

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Berghunde@reddit

more like burden or weight of responsibility.

now hopefully if you think really hard you can work out all by yourself why your comment is irrelevant and delete it.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

I hope the relationship would never die.

I just hope everyone is understanding - I dont want people to think i've abandoned them. My truth is I can save up around 400 usd a month but extras like getting a new laptop or fixing teeth or whatever really kills the savings so if I went home, I'd likely run into the red despite working all year (but if I dont go home I'd have an extra 2k in my pocket and build savings and maybe do a cheap local trip)

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akie@reddit

I’m not sure what the financial situation of your family is, but I wouldn’t put myself in the red just to visit them. In my experience, even if you do visit them, they’re going to be like “oh hey what’s up” and then just continue what they’re doing. Like, the trip would probably be underwhelming. Not worth going into the red for.

I think you should just talk to your family and say “listen, I can’t really afford to visit you” and then try to find a solution. Maybe they can come to yours (unlikely) or they can pay for the plane ride or something.

If you visiting them is important to them, I’m sure they want to help make it happen without you putting yourself in a financially precarious position.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

thanks for the advice

I'll have to sugar coat it as they may think I actually have money. I live in vietnam so 2 or 3 times a year I do these 3 or 4 day breaks to the beach and spend about 100 dollars. It probably looks nice in the photos but its not costing me any money.

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musicloverincal@reddit

I lived a few years abroad. My parents never visited me because they do not like to travel. Even if I paid for their ticket, they would have refused. After a few years I made peace with it because I was the one that moved away. To each their own.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

did you ever get guilt tripped into coming home for family events or was it equal?

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Ok_Cress_56@reddit

20+ years in the US. One brother visited me, the other handful of visits were incidental instead.

The reality is, 99% of people talk a big game but never leave their hometown.

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misatillo@reddit

My family visited me every year. Friends sometimes too. I also visited at least once per year. Luckily we lived inside the EU so it was easy to do.

Now the family of my husband hasn’t come once to visit in 4 years and I doubt they will do. It’s even easier for them as they have much more money than my family.

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pesky_emigrant@reddit

Brit in Luxembourg. Less than an hour by train. Family all within a 30 min drive of Dover/Folkestone and yes, most of my family have come only for my wedding

Right now I'm in a big house (I flip) and have said to them all "now is the time to visit" as everyone would have their own rooms. But nope. 3 years in this house.

If it helps, my husband's family is the same.

I think they see it as we chose to leave, so we should make the effort. Which is fair. But we'd also like to show them our lives.

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GaoAnTian@reddit

I’ve lived overseas for 20 years. My parents visited me in my new country three times. But we do meet up in a third country for a holiday together every other year.

My sister visited once. My brothers will never come.

I think a lot of this is because I am single and they think it is easier and cheaper for me to travel to them. Which is true but annoying.

On the plus side I have a lot of teenage niblings who are dying to be old enough to come visit me！

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Skittlescanner316@reddit

Been in my new country a decade. No visitors. I’ve always gone home.

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HW90@reddit

There's a lot to unpack, but I think overall the onus is on the person moving away, at least until you start a family abroad.

1) We're the ones making the decision, not our families and friends, we can't force them to make the often heavy financial and time commitments of travelling to see us. It's even worse for people from some countries where visa issues may make it nigh on impossible.

2) In most cultures, families will have an expectation of getting together for a major holiday/festival at least once per year. As soon as you don't attend one of these (without a very good reason), people will be far less interested in reciprocating any travel to you. If you've only returned home 3 times in 10 years, you're living in Vietnam, and not from a culture which celebrates major festivals at similar times of year to Vietnam then you've probably missed the last 10 of those opportunities.

I don't think money is (usually) an excuse for this as that's something you need to consider when moving abroad. If you're not able to comfortably afford that once per year trip, not able to do it at the right time of year then you're inherently accepting the consequences of that.

3) For people who haven't travelled to different continents before, especially older people, doing so is a big leap, and it's unfair to expect someone to do this. I deliberately made this very clear to my parents and that if they did fly to me I would pay to upgrade them to a more comfortable cabin class to mitigate. Obviously that's not financially viable for every expat, especially as you're already struggling financially, but that then goes back to the topic of if you can't do X, you're inherently accepting the consequences.

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wanderingdev@reddit

I think location matters to some extent. Vietnam can be seen as scary, because it's so culturally different (assuming you're from the west) and, depending on how old your parents are, there could be a negative connotation. When I went to vietnam on holiday I had older family ask me why I would ever go to a place like that and I assured them it was very different from when they were there in 1970. Same with when I went to Bosnia and people were like "there's a war there!" and I reminded them the war ended in the 90s. The trip there can also be expensive and brutally long.

I've been out of the US for almost 16 years, mostly based in Mexico and Europe. My mom and aunt have visited me a couple times in Mexico and my mom came to europe pre-covid and they're both coming next summer. But, Europe is relatively easy both length of travel-wise and culturally. My aunt struggled in Mexico, I expect she'll find Europe a lot easier. No other family have visited, but I'm not close to them and haven't visited them either.

I've met up with friends a few times as we've managed to cross paths, but I've not had anyone specifically schedule time to visit me (though I've also been nomadic so that will hopefully change when I buy property next year and actually have a fixed home).

I always laugh a bit when I watch shows like house hunters international and they're all like 'we need 5 bedrooms because people are going to visit constantly once we move'. I'd be quite interested in knowing how much those people actually have visitors because for most expats I know, it's very rare. People are better off saving the cost difference caused by extra bedrooms and just paying for a hotel when someone visits.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

I'm in vietnam and even though my parents are not old - I do think they will struggle here and I'd have to take them somewhere quiet - maybe vung tau, da lat, then nha trang

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Duke_Newcombe@reddit

Have you asked them to come over to you? What is their reply?

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

Yes, when I was home three of them said they'd love to come - but now i'm here, i hear nothing from them.

Maybe they just said it to be polite

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

Honestly, not my mum beyond - you are welcome to visit me any time.

My brothers and cousins have all told me they want to visit and I said drop me a message and I just need about 6 weeks notice and I'll get the time off.

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Plenty-Inn-Dat-Dpt@reddit

Visited family 14 times in 6 years, long flights (6-9 hours), tickets that no one ever asked how much I paid for. They never even call, and never talked about coming. I promised myself I won’t let this continue, I felt lonely and no one ever cared much to come support me. So yeah

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

Yeah, mine dont call me - just a message on facebook every 6 months unless I message them first.
I try to justify it as most of my brothers and cousins have kids and maybe they are broke or cant get time off.

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Tradtrade@reddit

Unless your family are rich and frequently like to travel to similar countries to the one you live in asking all your family to traipse to a country far away when you decided to move instead of you going to see them is unreasonable and self centred imo

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

in my defense, I've never guilted them or nagged them to come. Only suggested it and they even showed interest

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nurseynurseygander@reddit

Only our kids have visited, and only when we paid for them to come. Personally I think if you leave, it’s your job to do most of the travelling back to keep your relationships alive.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

You're right in many aspects.

For me its mostly the financial element of needing to put aside 2 or 3k to visit home which I would rather not have to worry about (I know the shoe goes on the other foot there)

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Help-Im-Dead@reddit

I feel you. My parents are finally going to visit, to see my daughters 3rd birthday....

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tropikaldawl@reddit

Have you told them that it’s strange they have never visited you?

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

Not really. My mum especially doesnt like foreign places so I kind of get it with her. I just dont want the guilt of not visiting them.

As for my brothers, I think it may be cash flow, but I dont want to pry

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Plenty-Inn-Dat-Dpt@reddit

It’s not about places being foreign, it’s about seeing your child tho

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Ok-Marzipan-7197@reddit

20 years abroad/ 3 different countries and none of my family have ever been to visit. I'm also sick of being the one who constantly has to pay.

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kulukster@reddit

I've been abroad almost 30 years, own my own home with guest room, and my family has never visited me, except one who said it was enough and wouldn't visit again. I do visit them every year though.

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akie@reddit

My parents visited me three times in 15 years: once when my son was born, once when my daughter was born, and once to give me 8 of my boxes of stuff that were still stored in their massive house. Feels good, amiright? One of my brothers never even bothered, even when I offered to pay for flight and hotel.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

I think if you go home every year, they have little motive to come out to you, unless they really like the look of the country

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No-Pea-8967@reddit

Never once - they don't even call. In the beginning I flew back a few times a year. After my dad passed, my mom finally came to Europe with her girlfriends. Did they come to my city in Europe? Nope. So I flew the hour flight to her and she was only available for 1 dinner. She made one comment after saying how she missed the US and Europe was too different (keep in mind that she was gone 7 days): I suppose I will have to come back to Europe since you won't move back home.

I looked her in the eye and said: no, you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do.

I haven't been back except one work trip.

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aadustparticle@reddit

I've been living abroad for 7 years and nobody has come to visit except my brother.

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itslilou@reddit

When I lived in Dubai everyone wanted to visit me, family, friends, everybody. I then moved to western Canada ( I am European ) and nobody besides my mom came. I tried to convince the same people that wanted to see me so bad when I lived in Dubai but it did not happen.

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Organic-Violinist223@reddit

I lived abroad, none of my family came to visit despite 3 hour plane travel. I see it as their loss. I moved back to home country and now they will never visit such a beautiful country! Not my problem!

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Rowaan@reddit

Nope.. not once. The EU is too far away from the USA, passports and plane tickets are just so much to handle.

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juicyjuicery@reddit

Nope, and after over a decade of visiting them, I’ve decided to reciprocate not visiting them anymore

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z050z@reddit

Not to be a jerk, but did you invite them?

Not just a soft invite like “hey, you should come sometime” but a solid plan like “visit for Christmas, I can’t wait to show you around, it’s very safe. I’ll reserve X hotel by the sea, we can do Y on this day and Z on that day”.

I don’t know your family situation, but maybe they just need a little extra encouragement.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

Three of them verbally said they'd come out and visit me to my face, but I've never pressed them on it. I just tell them let me know when you book it and I'll book the time off, but they never messaged

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z050z@reddit

Try to think positive thoughts :)

Let your family know how much you love them and you are doing something positive in your life. I see from your post history that you are working in a school?

Perhaps share pictures of your class/students and let your family know that you don't earn much money, but you are doing something meaningful and impactful. Few things are more important in this world then helping youth.

Good luck! I hope you post soon that family is visiting for the holidays :)

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latihoa@reddit

As an American who lives in the US and would love to live abroad, with two brothers who have lived abroad for years, here’s my perspective:

My mom is an immigrant to the US from Germany. She also travelled extensively. By the time my siblings moved abroad she was in no shape to travel any more, so she couldn’t visit, even though she would have. She didn’t complain about my brothers not coming home, but she complained that they barely called her.

I know other people who just aren’t interested in going abroad. Maybe the trip is expensive for them, they don’t like to travel far from home, they think they won’t like the food, etc.

Keep in mind it wasn’t your family’s decision that you moved. I hope there was some discussion with them about intentions to visit one another, and whatever that outcome should not have made you feel like you shouldn’t move, but at least set expectations.

I’m sorry that your family feels this way. At this point I’d say to them, hey I’d really like to come back but it’s hard for me. I’d also really like you to visit, but maybe that’s hard for you too. I understand. One day we will find a way, until then let’s FaceTime more often.

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Famous_Obligation959@reddit (OP)

I actually totally understand the money side of things - times are hard for most people in the world right now. I just never understood why its okay if they cant afford to visit me but its frowned on when I dont visit them

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latihoa@reddit

Yeah that’s not ok. Sorry you’re going through this.

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RightSideBlind@reddit

Yeah, we used to keep a spare bedroom open for visits from family, but we've been in Canada now for five years and we've only had one visit from family- and she (my mother-in-law) stayed in a hotel because she doesn't like our dogs. None of my family has ever come up to visit.

We just use that bedroom as another office, now.

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tsznx@reddit

It's interesting how parents usually believe that we are the ones that should visit them, rather than the opposite.

Almost like "You've abandoned me, so you have to come because I won't make it be easy for you".

It's so unfair and shows, unfortunately, how some parents have a misunderstanding of what we want by migrating to other countries. This is our life and we should be able to look for what we think is the best for us. And they should support us on that.

My wife and I have the same issue here. Our parents feel that it's our obligation to visit them, we don't hear them saying that they will make any effort to visit us.

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