What do people give bereaved parents?

Posted by Plus-Ambassador-9668@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 36 comments

I’m visiting relatives this week (aunt & uncle) after the sudden loss of their daughter (38). I don’t actually know what happened, and I’m a bit anxious to be asking anybody at such a sensitive time but I do know it was something tragic.

My aunt & uncle have custody of her eldest child, the rest are with their father. They are absolutely lovely people, and steadfast in their love/support to the family. The trouble is, I don’t know them particularly well. They’re on my dad’s side who passed away when I was a young child, so I only really see them for significant events.

I really don’t like the idea of flowers. They’re just another thing to care for, they will have too many already, and they die too.

Does anybody have suggestions for what to bring when I visit? They’re in their early 60’s.

[-]

Plus-Ambassador-9668@reddit (OP)

Thank you all again, such a lovely thread with really thoughtful suggestions and advice! Because I don’t know too much about the circumstances, and what led to this horrible loss, I get quite anxious about the words. Her eldest child is 17 and has lived securely with my Aunt & Uncle for a few years.

They travelled to visit me last year after my youngest child was born. They were the only family members who did, and they brought lovely gifts for us all. That’s another reason I don’t want to turn up empty-handed, when they’ve been so thoughtful to us, and it meant so much to me.

I’m an okay cook, but I’m horribly anxious. I’m thinking I will contact a local company who does lovely homemade soup and ask for a bulk order, possibly a weighted blanket, some non perishables, some of those replenish drink sachet things, and I was thinking about asking if I can take the 17 year old out for an activity with me and the baby (who’s coming with me to visit)

[-]

HotButteredBagel@reddit

This sounds perfect. They’re lucky to have you.

[-]

MaleficentSwan0223@reddit

I lost my daughter and I can tell you I got fuck all of anyone. People even crossed the street to avoid me to rub salt into my wounds.

I had to do a weekly shop 5 days after she died which was one of the most surreal experiences I’ve endured.

[-]

Plus-Ambassador-9668@reddit (OP)

That is horrific, truly. I’m so sorry nobody was there for you. The assumption that other people will take care of things worries me for this reason

[-]

A900909@reddit

From my experience, the cold shoulder. Any gift you give will be appreciated for it's gesture. I would have wanted edible things in fresh grief tbh as I couldn't manage cooking, maybe a small hamper? nice self care items lotions etc. candles, nice picture frame they can put a picture of her in, even just a very thoughtful card. Are they drinkers ? Nice wine? A cake?

They're not going to be judging you at this time, even a very sincere sorry for your loss and shoulder pat will probably mean a lot. There's no gift you can give that'll ease the pain.

[-]

colibrizona@reddit

Acceptance that they will likely never stop grieving their child. Understanding that there’s nothing that will “make it better” or help them “get over it”. Support to help them keep living their lives in the meantime

[-]

Coyltonian@reddit

Normally I’d say a few freezable meals. People still need to eat, but so many arrangements to make and visitors calling (plus low spirits can drain you) that it becomes hard to make meals. If you don’t know them well enough to know what they like (or worry too many other people will have done the same) then maybe some restaurant/delivery vouchers for when they need a break.

Avoid perishables (fruit, flowers, baked goods).

[-]

tandemxylophone@reddit

I gave a gold pewter angle token inside a card. But I think the best thing is to tell them a good memory you had of the deceased (if you know them).

[-]

Fabulous-Wolf-4401@reddit

I would get something like a small, pretty necklace, or if they are religious, a St. Christopher's medal, put it in an envelope for 'Helen' (obviously I don't know her name) and say 'this is for Helen, I was so sorry to hear about her death and I was thinking of her when I got this' it's comforting when you mention people by name.

[-]

SleepyWelshGirl@reddit

I wouldn't take a gift, I would maybe take a home cooked meal or 2 for them to pop in the fridge to eat later. Often people do not eat well whilst grieving. If that is not possible, ask what practical help they need, whether it's a bit of cleaning or taking the child to the park. These are the types of things that really help.

[-]

No_Atmosphere1852@reddit

When my mum died, one of my school friends' parents brought over a tub of chocolate chip cookies that they'd made and it was the most comforting thing to arrive in those first few days. It was really all I wanted to be left alone with biscuits for a little while.

[-]

HotButteredBagel@reddit

Do not give them a plant of any kind. Cut flowers die. A plant has to be kept alive and watered etc.

My son died in infancy (twin B). At his twin brothers ‘welcome to the world’ party someone gave me a plant in twin B’s memory. It was an orchid. I kept that damn thing alive for a decade and it still broke me when it finally died.

Give them wishes for gentle days ahead. Give them space to talk about their loss. Listen to them when they cry. You don’t need to fix it. But listen. Give them hugs if they like hugs.

And say their child’s name. Put the birth and death date in your Google calendar. And remember to text them about their child in ten or even twenty years time. That is a gift worth more than gold. Remember with them.

[-]

notanadultyadult@reddit

Can I just say, well done for keeping an orchid alive for 10 years. I think I managed a month with mine lol.

I’m sorry for your loss ❤️

[-]

siblingrevelryagain@reddit

My Mom has just moved house, 4 years after my Dad died. She agonised for weeks over what to do with the rose bush someone sent when he died…she felt disloyal leaving it but dreaded digging it up in case it died..it’s thoughtful at the time but can cause pain down the line.

[-]

Plus-Ambassador-9668@reddit (OP)

Thank you, this is lovely advice. I’m so sorry about your little boy

[-]

Eisenhorn_UK@reddit

That is all really good advice.

I'm very sorry that it was learnt the hard way.

[-]

Academic_Guard_4233@reddit

In all these situations people are there for a month and disappear. The best thing you can do is phone them for 15 minutes once a month and see how they are.

[-]

SquidgeSquadge@reddit

My husband called his aunt when her second husband passed away. This aunt he grew up knowing but rarely saw her as she was a shut in since her husband had an accident and became his full time carer. He passed a few years after my husband and I moved in together. According to my MIL, she was a completely different person (I have met this woman in passing twice in 16 years) and really came out of her shell. She met a man who lost his wife and married a few years later only for him to die of cancer a couple of years later.

All my husband did was after he heard the news was to call her just after the funeral (his mum said there was no need to visit as we live far away but she would appreciate a call). He just gave her time to talk and listen and for her to talk about her husband and reminisce. His mum later said it was very moving for her sister to hear from him.

Just be there for them, listen and be a shoulder to cry on. Try and help our but don't force it, make sure they know you are there and available to them.

[-]

JaBe68@reddit

This should be pinned on every bereavement post.

[-]

jesuseatsbees@reddit

When my mum died, someone gifted me a candle and some flower bulbs. The candle I put next to her ashes on the shelf, and the bulbs I thought were weird and threw them out in a planter in the garden with little thought. Every year now they flower, and it makes me smile every time.

[-]

janiestiredshoes@reddit

Yeah, there are lots of comments here saying not to do plants, because it can be painful if they die, etc., which I think is fair enough.

BUT, if you're going to do plants, surely bulbs are a good shout. Something like daffodils, snowdrops, or crocuses that come up every year without much intervention.

[-]

Plus-Ambassador-9668@reddit (OP)

Thank you all! Unfortunately I’ve no photos they don’t also have/have seen in tagged posts. The visits were few, and far between. It’s a family link I was only able to re-establish in adulthood.

I think the keeping in touch efforts is the best idea in terms of genuine love, so thank you for that!

I thought of a food voucher, they took me to a Chinese restaurant they liked during my first trip to visit with them around 13 years ago. Just a case of finding it, and if it’s still the same place!

I might try to make up a little basket with some non perishables to take down, and maybe a thick blanket. I had thought about a little trinket of some sort, maybe something with her birth stone?

[-]

ProfessorYaffle1@reddit

Getting a good pic of her printed and framed might be appreciated, even if it's one they've seen before online.

If you live close enough to be feasible, offering to help with any redecoration / building flat pack furniture etc for the child's room might be welcome.

[-]

AromaticFee9616@reddit

Slightly different ages involved but we lost my brother (he was only 23) very suddenly. My Dad has never quite been able to process it, but my Mum absolutely loved the messages my brother’s friends left in a book of condolence they had open after the funeral. Some of the lads left anecdotes about times they spent with my brother, some were really funny. My Mum didn’t really know the guys much - my brother was quite private - but she loves the memories they left in that book. She also didn’t process it well - but what they wrote made her realise just how loved he was by others, who were not family and she didn’t know.

I don’t know if it might be too soon - especially if they lost her in similar circumstances to how my brother died, but do try to get people who loved her to write down those anecdotes or fond memories if they can. Memories fade. I am lucky - my husband was close to my brother - and close with his friends. I get to hear some very funny anecdotes and quietly sweet remembrances all the time because they speak so much. Parents often don’t get that after they lose a child. It’s horribly bittersweet sometimes - but it can help when they are ready

[-]

Rocky-bar@reddit

How about an offer to help with the child, so they get a weekend off sometimes?

[-]

HotButteredBagel@reddit

And some meals for the freezer

[-]

siblingrevelryagain@reddit

Was going to suggest this; if you’re a good cook/enjoy cooking, you can get foil trays from Amazon and make them some ready-meals; they have to eat and deserve nice food made (or bought) with love, and they need good nutrition to keep them healthy whilst they’re probably not prioritising themselves. If they fight feel like it kitty can freeze them for the days & weeks ahead. Even done homemade soup wi UK d be s as lovely gesture, with a nice loaf of bread.

Play safe with cottage pie/lasagne etc if you don’t know their tastes.

If you can’t do this, take them a bag of groceries; nice chocolates and biscuits, snack food, posh drinks/tea.

All this is practical and requires no effort on their part but shows you care.

And like others have said, follow up at random times to check in. Mention her when you see them and often afterwards-don’t worry you’ll be reminding them or will upset them. If you didn’t know her well, I’m sure they would love to tell you about her when you visit, so don’t be afraid to ask them to tell you about her. It doesn’t matter how tricky things were for her, she’s their daughter and they will probably enjoy talking about her.

It’s a nice thing you’re doing, and you’re being very thoughtful

[-]

barrybreslau@reddit

Support.

[-]

BerryBrambleWitch@reddit

All lovely thoughtful ideas

[-]

Ok-Advantage3180@reddit

Could you bring some food round? As in cooking a meal and then bringing it round - prefers o something that can be frozen and easily defrosted and reheated. They might not be thinking too much about what to eat at this point so something like this could help keep a bit of the load off in one way or another

[-]

Competitive-Coat-129@reddit

When my grandmother passed, we asked everyone for photographs they had of her in leiu of gifts. It was lovely to sit together and recount memories/stories of her that we had maybe not heard before. Another thing my grandfather really appreciated was home cooked, re-heatable meals so he didn't have to worry about cooking every day.

[-]

Top-level comments to the OP must contain genuine efforts to answer the question. No jokes, judgements, etc.
Don't be a dick to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
This is a strictly no-politics subreddit!

Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.