ULPT: How to get rid of drunktards
Posted by xenon1te@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 170 comments
So I'm fresh out of ideas.
Situation is the following: I live in Berlin, Germany and there are these "nice" people (3-4 dudes, one woman) gathering under my window 5 out of 7 days a week having beers. It's not "some beers", it's a shitton of beers. Specifically, they start around 4 or 5 in the afternoon and start drinking. They keep this up until 9ish, which is when the nearest Supermarket closes. Then, they go for a "last round" consisting of an entire crate of beers, which they then proceed to empty. At some point, they even brought chairs to sit around. Frankly, I am baffled by the amount of alcohol they are ABLE to drink.
Now I am the last dude to envy / shame these guys into having their fun. But these "partys" sometimes lasted until 1 in the morning on a normal weekday. God knows what they are doing for a living (probably nothing?).
Thing is, it started to get a little loud down there. Once you're hammered, things tend to get out of control. Shouting in the middle of the night, loud music playing, bottles falling, you get the idea. So one of these nights, one of our neighbors had it and called the cops on them.
This is where things went completely out of control. The cops told them to fuck off, which they did. But they came back the next day. Of course. And now, they had a mission.
Now the music got louder, more annoying (as in playing the same song over and over again), sreaming, shouting, you name it. What they know is that according to the law, they can be as loud as they want until 10 pm. So they intentionally annoy the shit out of everyone, as often as possible, and then vanish into the night at 9:55 pm. They know what they are doing.
So my question is what to do here.
Obviously, I am NOT looking for answers like "move to another neighborhood", "talk to them", or "hire some local thugs".
Tatler-Jack@reddit
You need a mosquito alarm which you can probably download on a mobile phone. Then play it thru a cracked window. A late night takeaway does this near me to get rid of groups hanging around.
AdhesivenessFun2060@reddit
Start joining them when they show up. And just be really weird and needy. Make it awkward for them and they'll find somewhere else to avoid you.
Taco_Champ@reddit
This is what I love to do. OP, treat it like improv
Acrobatic_Guitar_466@reddit
This is the answer. Show up repeatedly, ask for beer, and never have money.
Pick the most annoying topics, drive conversations to stupid topics.
They will learn to avoid you...
Cuck_Boy@reddit
Ohhh so that’s why nobody likes me
zendrovia@reddit
is that you Kyle
1fractal-@reddit
Write a craigslist ad pretending to be one of these gentlemen. Say they gather there on whatever nights and are looking for some group fun, bears preferred, free booze.
get-tha-lotion@reddit
“Free booze and handjobs for fent, dudes only”
cometdogisawesome@reddit
This would work!
SnooTangerines3448@reddit
Yeah get the whole street out. Make up invitations to a party in their honour.
Alarming-Fig-2297@reddit
Pour honey all over where they sit below your window
Degen_Boy@reddit
Sounds like you recently developed a disorder where you sleepwalk and piss out the window, friend. Sleep disorders can be rough. You never know what might happen in your unconscious state.
Mackerel_Skies@reddit
Strawberry jam to attract wasps.
strapping_young_vlad@reddit
HAH
porter9884@reddit
Cat/Fox urine is your friend. Dump it in the area they gather, more than likely they will not stick around. Then wash it away.
stan-dupp@reddit
I suggest buying commercially available fix piss it's really hard to squeeze it yourself, certain things are best left to the pros
Seattlehepcat@reddit
Yeah, the cats get really cranky when you try to squeeze the piss out of them. I imagine foxes would also react poorly.
Gsogso123@reddit
Foxes are in the canine family fyi
Seattlehepcat@reddit
I don't know about cat urine, but when I was young and worked in sporting goods we sold Red Fox Urine in the hunting department. That stuff was the worst - once in a while someone would open one up on the other end of the store, and the entire store would reek. It's nasty business.
smolt_funnel@reddit
I found this out the hard way :(
Joyage2021@reddit
This is a good idea but you can consider dispensing it out your window, over their heads, while they gather for maximum effect.
get-tha-lotion@reddit
Better yet, replace the piss with gasoline, light up a Montecristo, and watch all your problems burn away
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
So it turns violent instead of just annoying? Bonus: They’ll know where OP lives so he’s paranoid for however much longer he lives there.
Triple bonus: OP moves out, new tenant gets stabbed in the hallway two weeks after moving in for “no reason.”
Joyage2021@reddit
Sometimes you fucks forget what sub you're in.
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
OP is looking for “unethical” pro-tips.
Your “tip” of hitting them with super soaker filled with animal piss belongs on r/RetardedLifeProTips or r/HowCanIGetMyAssKickedAndAApartmentBurnedDown
Joyage2021@reddit
"Due to their nature, do not actually follow any of these tips–they're just for fun." FACEPALM
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
That’s more there to serve as a legal disclaimer - OP, as well as most people posting here, is actually looking to do something.
suejaymostly@reddit
New here?
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
Nope. Just tired of the outlandish ones.
Some of these are actually good and realistic - then there’s “light them up with a super soaker filled with fox piss”
psychoPiper@reddit
Have you ever considered getting over it and moving on?
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
Have you ever considered that this is Reddit and I just make comments because someone else did?
Or do you really think I’m here stewing on it and not moving on?
Because I promise you, the only time I think about how stupid the average Redditor is is when I log in and read comments like yours.
psychoPiper@reddit
All I'm hearing is crying tbh
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
When you sneeze, does shit come out your nose? Or have you figured out how to keep it contained within the skull?
psychoPiper@reddit
If you're this upset over a subreddit, it's time to log off and go outside little guy
suejaymostly@reddit
Ask your doctor if scrolling past this content would be right for you.
LenguaTacoConQueso@reddit
Would be nice to have a “Realistic Unethical Life Protips
Joyage2021@reddit
This always has been and always will be a satire subreddit to me. Not sure about you, but if I come here for advise I am prepared to have people offer suggestions that solve problems using urine, often in the form of piss disc or fox wizz.
Houndhollow@reddit
I was thinking squirt gun lol
KarmaChameleon306@reddit
Ain't no water in this gun!
CarrotofInsanity@reddit
lol! I just typed that too!
viperised@reddit
Is there a method one could use for storing and making said urine portable? Perhaps in the form of a solid, circular shape?
madmycal@reddit
PISS DISC!!!
MinimalEnthusiast@reddit
It was this moment right here, when the holy Fox Piss Plate was invented... Right moment to check reddit
SuffocatingBreed@reddit
Like, a plate perhaps? More so, a disc? We could call it the piss disc?
porter9884@reddit
Ordered fox urine online. I’m sure you can order cat urine also. Come in a resealable bottle.
suckitphil@reddit
Find your local Craigslist / gay ad site. Put a picture of them saying "we're guys who like to drink, and have a good time ;), come by the address" They'll probably clear out after a day or two.
get-tha-lotion@reddit
What if it actually takes off and it turns into a full on daily block party for Craigslist meth heads under OP’s window
suckitphil@reddit
Then you have to post pictures of the crowd on known gang Facebook groups talking about how they have a tougher gang. And if that goes tit's up, OPs rent will drop.
superdpr@reddit
This is an A+ idea. Just post that they’re having a party and it’s free beer and everyone is invited.
When randos keep showing up expecting free alcohol they’ll have way less fun and probably move on.
Gsogso123@reddit
I would make the “everyone invited” a little less obvious. Like make an advertisement or flyer that suggests they are local gay swingers group looking for new members. Think about how you would advertise if you were a gay swinger group trying to attract a few new members. I imagine a bit of discretion would be key., if one or two guys shows up every day looking for an orgy it would be much funnier than 10 showing up on day 1
Honkgonk013@reddit
But what if they are gay swingers? This could backfire.
Gsogso123@reddit
Sometimes in life we must take chances
AromaticProcedure69@reddit
Don’t forget to include “oh and one girl that won’t leave us alone. Please bring a friend for her or something”.
JarJarBinksSucks@reddit
Call the cops saying you saw on of them brandishing a knife, and you are fearful. When the cops arrive hide a knife in the location near to where those dudes are
BlottomanTurk@reddit
Or, mix it up a bit, and toss some lit firecrackers nearby when the cops arrive. If German cops are half as jumpy as US cops, the problem should sort itself out.
HerrFerret@reddit
I saw a crowd shoot fireworks during Sylvester directly at a police boat.
They got a stern talking to on firework safety over a megaphone.
I don't think they are in the same league.
BlottomanTurk@reddit
Did the boat cops bow afterwards?
ZanzaBarBQ@reddit
If it was the U.S., you could save money on the firecrackers and just toss an acorn on the roof of an SUV.
TR6lover@reddit
Bonus points if you can get yourself handcuffed and stuffed into the police car ahead of time.
Some0neAwesome@reddit
I understood that reference!
CarrotofInsanity@reddit
Yesh!!!!
LunnyBear@reddit
No cops are as jumpy as US cops lol still love the idea though
Garblefarb@reddit
Now THIS is unethical. Keep up the good work
get-tha-lotion@reddit
Over the course of months, follow each of them home and throughout their daily lives for a few weeks.
Find out who they love the most, kidnap them, and begin mailing pieces of them to the loitering drunkards.
Don’t disclose who you are or what you want, just keep mailing pieces.
If they still show up, then you can start telling them to leave
GabrielXS@reddit
Put up AA posters and then once in a while turn up and preach being sober.
get-tha-lotion@reddit
This is effective but too ethical for here
whatintheheckareyou@reddit
Pour water on them when they’re so drunk they don’t know what hit them. Not a lot, just enough to freak them out. It’s a form of psychological torture, so just keep fucking with them when they’re barely all there. If that doesn’t work scream randomly throughout the time they’re there. Just freak them out when they’re fucked up, and keep doing it.
get-tha-lotion@reddit
Yeah, and then eventually they get used to the water, that’s when you cut the power lines above their heads
VeryUnscientific@reddit
Hidden Durian fruit where they congregate
kavanagh-patrick@reddit
Most people are very fussy with their shoes especially white runners. I had a similar problem and sprayed old sump oil on the pavement and grassy verge. I did it at night so no one saw me and did it every other night for a few days. The next few night all their shoes were destroyed and they chose another spot.
Gullible-Lie2494@reddit
They'll get bored eventually.
serraangel826@reddit
Strobe lights in your windows to annoy them? If it won't bother the neighbors of course. Very obvious cameras to record what they are doing. Some of those annoying Halloween decorations that make noises every time they sense motion?
PoolShark1819@reddit
I would put the contents of one of my kids diapers down on the sidewalk. Keep going until they find a new place.
BriscoCounty-Sr@reddit
I thought Germany had a mandatory quiet time?
xenon1te@reddit (OP)
Yep, at 10pm (on workdays)
SantosFurie89@reddit
Follow them home. Learn where they live. Find a way to disturb them and fuck their life up in a similar way.
And yes, make the place near your home undesirable. Raw meat with honey or sugary stuff will attract all manner of pests. You and your neighbours are already keeping windows shut..
AromaticProcedure69@reddit
This is great! Figure out where they live. Wait til morning, grab a few neighbors and loads of beers, then party outside their window!!
SantosFurie89@reddit
Haha exaclty. Hard to pull an all nighter when it's 7am and you have a hangover.. That song they play on repeat at full blast.
Maybe replace the beers with coffee at that time. But hey, each to their own!!
KingReoJoe@reddit
Get on a first name basis with some of the local constabulary. Call them once the party starts at 10:01
Significant-Alps4665@reddit
Read the post. Group causes trouble then bounces at 9:55
Choano@reddit
How old are they? And how old are you?
If they're in their teens or early 20s, you could use a mosquito whine. Teenagers and some people in their early 20s can hear it and find it intensely annoying. People over 25 can rarely hear it, though. (Warning–if you have kids or pets, they might hate this sound.)
Get a small speaker that you could aim towards the street, where these people hang out. Make sure it can be loud but can't be seen, so no-one on the street can target you in revenge.
When the people start hanging out in front of your building, play this video. (It's a mosquito whine to repel teenagers, combined with a lower sound so everyone else can tell whether the video is playing.) Make sure the volume is high: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnckf0owahI
xenon1te@reddit (OP)
They are in their 40s
too_many_shoes14@reddit
Keep calling the cops as many times as it takes. There is probably a loitering ordinance they are breaking
12345NoNamesLeft@reddit
Anonymous gift of vodka that happens to be methanol.
They will either go blind or die if they get enough.
Addled_Neurons@reddit
Big bucket of piss.
nukey18mon@reddit
Disc shaped bucket
Ivabighairy1@reddit
Don’t forget to freeze it
AGM-65_Maverick@reddit
Keep a paving slab near the window. Then one day you trip on it and it hits them and kills at least one. Kill one and the rest won’t come back.
Malena_my_quuen@reddit
Rare unethical tip on this sub. Upvoted.
riiil@reddit
do it with a bucket of icy water first.
Relevant_Theme_468@reddit
Right, important to know the impact radius for the best outcome.
riiil@reddit
Bonus point splash damage
AGM-65_Maverick@reddit
Thanks for reining that in a little. 👍
Tyjet66@reddit
Bluetooth speaker + 10 hour version of the barnie theme song.
Turn off all your lights, as if you aren't home, put the speaker on the window sill, close your window, press play.
I used to live above a bar and had used this twice on extremely obnoxious drunks. Worked perfectly.
ganaraska@reddit
A hotel I stay at plays 90s ska to discourage the riff Raff from settling in
tacopacalypso@reddit
Slow jerk. Make sure to make very intense eye contact. I'll usually point at my target with my free hand. This only works if you have a free hand. If you don't have a dick, get a strap on or borrow a friend's dick and slow jerk them.
Hot-Win2571@reddit
Buy a bag of bird seed and scatter it around. Let them enjoy bird poop with their beers.
idiotic-username@reddit
molotovs
jason4747@reddit
Claymores?
TheStatMan2@reddit
Nukes.
SmokingUmbrellas@reddit
That escalated quickly.
idiotic-username@reddit
not enough
TheStatMan2@reddit
It's, famously, the only way to be sure.
Duckfoot2021@reddit
Find a lovely product called "Liquid Ass" and get creative.
WakeRider11@reddit
As often as liquid ass is suggested in this sub as a solution, this is really the situation that it makes the most sense. That's assuming of course that the OP doesn't want to bang all of their dads.
hereforpopcornru@reddit
I mean.. why not both?
Reasonable-Matter-12@reddit
Buy a whisper dish and hang it over them from your window. Extremely disorienting and painful if the sound is loud.
pipinngreppin@reddit
Gotta make it stinky somehow. It’ll work.
Practical_Outcome771@reddit
Kettle of hot water poured over the source of music
Professional_Song483@reddit
Bring them beer one night, it's full of laxatives. They'll clear out for that night.
If you're directly above them consider getting large quantities of chili pepper powder and sprinkling it down on them.
wardearth13@reddit
Paintball gun drive-by shooting. Repeat as needed.
Kylearean@reddit
Such an American response to a European problem.
European problems need European solutions.
Give them free Pißwasser.
Dnugs94549@reddit
Crossbow on a moped then, is that European enough?
wardearth13@reddit
Piwasser? Is that a shit pie or?
Kylearean@reddit
It's a fake beer in GTA V
LivinLikeHST@reddit
you think Americans go to paint first?
anotherdudedude@reddit
A couple of bird feeders hanging right outside your window. The subsequent droppings should be a subtle deterrent
Sbatio@reddit
Camera and motion activated sprinklers. When they brake then sprinklers call the police.
IrradiantFuzzy@reddit
Save some of their empties and drop them off the roof into the middle of their gathering. If they come up to complain, repeat with the drunkards.
not-rasta-8913@reddit
Piss on them from the window.
foldy86@reddit
Start pissing and shitting in a bucket. Collect it for 5 days, then empty it onto them. Doubt they'll like that.
HerrFerret@reddit
Spray a fake banksy on the building.
Tell everyone it is real.
They will vanish quickly enough. It is really annoying getting stared at by punks and hipsters.
nb_on_reddit@reddit
OP, are you even German or even European? I get some Karen vibes here.
Forgive me if i am wrong
HerrFerret@reddit
I lived in Berlin and absolutely would tell these twats to fuck off.
I wouldn't adapt to being like them.
TheStatMan2@reddit
Imagine thinking you were enough of a social king to be able to make this bullshit comment
Trying_to_be_cheeky@reddit
Post on Craigslist that a gay orgy is tonight looking for participants, note names and clothing descriptions…
HerrFerret@reddit
In Berlin, this would be Super Effective!
CarrotofInsanity@reddit
Squirt them with a squirt gun of animal piss.
TheStatMan2@reddit
Where are you obtaining your animal piss and how are you getting it into a water pistol.
The_Sensual@reddit
You can buy animals scents at stores like Bass Pro in the Hunting section. I bought a bottle of racoon piss like 20 years ago to spray on my bosses office chair
TheStatMan2@reddit
Ah... Rob Trujillo's favourite shop...
FirebirdWriter@reddit
Plant stinging nettles, cacti or whatever either hostile and painful to touch plant where they want to be. Make it big and hardy. They can get a rash every time
Scared_of_the_KGB@reddit
Bad smell outside. Stink bombs.
CanuckBee@reddit
Beautiful classical music piped out until 10 pm.
-SQB-@reddit
Hang some bird food over their heads.
Livid-Woodpecker3119@reddit
Shit everyday where they party.
Get your neighbors involved.
All of you shit where they party.
If they change the spot you change the spot.
Follow them. Chase them down !!!!
cablemonkey604@reddit
Spray them with a hose.
Ok_Perception1131@reddit
Toss a crate full of live crickets on their head. You can buy them online.
Of course, then you’ll have an annoying cricket problem.
shinysideout@reddit
Is their speaker on Bluetooth? Hijack the session and play some banned Nazi music. You’re not in Thüringen, so maybe the cops will do something about it.
B34chboy@reddit
Come back home after 10 pm.
FlameDearFlame@reddit
What do you mean probably nothing for work. How tf do you think they get the beers. Start with less judgement
Slartibartfastthe2nd@reddit
The cops were called only once? Keep doing that.
For the ULPT side of the 'call the cops' angle, claim they are vandalizing something or threatening people.
Asynjacutie@reddit
Toss a crate of diseased mosquitoes down there. It's obvious.
subsetsum@reddit
Did you try the piss discs yet?
Wombat1892@reddit
Everytime I see piss disks it makes me smile
jacesonn@reddit
Piss bricks
saraphilipp@reddit
Piss window plants.
ButtTickleBandit@reddit
Piss into a 3 gallon bucket for the next few days, then dump it out the window on them. Don’t lean out, don’t linger, dump it out fast and get away from the window. If it is multiple stories they won’t know who did it and can take their piss soaked shit home.
Previous-Ad-376@reddit
How does one get an invite to join the beer drinking group?
xenon1te@reddit (OP)
I like your spirit
Nheea@reddit
So do those who gather under your window.
CatBoyTrip@reddit
chamber pot out the window like it’s 1873.
ZanzaBarBQ@reddit
Follow one of them home. The second the noise ordinance is lifted in the morning, start practicing your new instrument. I'm a bagpipes guy, but you can choose whatever would work best for you.
m4rcodj@reddit
Become one of them. Socialize and party with them. You Become the party. You decide to move the usual location somewhere lose. Aaand boom, disappear and go back to your life 😇
Spirited-Water1368@reddit
Are you legally allowed to drink in public or to be drunk in public in Germany? If not, call the cops. If so, follow the unethical tips you get here.
hudbutt6@reddit
Shitton is my new fave word
Honky_Town@reddit
Classic music make it loud.
Relevant_Theme_468@reddit
Music by The Carpenter's and Barry Manilow worked on a similar issue with rowdy teens hanging out front of the grocery store.
🎶 "Why do birds suddenly appear..."
Or
🎶 Almost heaven, West Virginia... "
You get the idea
mortenbb@reddit
Hide some drugs in the area where they hang out, call the cops and say they are selling
Repeat if necessary with knives and such
MinivanPops@reddit
If you are above them, get a small pesticide sprayer and fill it full of liquid ass with some water. Stick that thing out your window as far as you can, and unleash a little bit of liquid ass every few minutes in the form of a mist. It will drift down and make the area smell. Since the sprayer is black and a long wand, they won't be able to trace it.
daveshops@reddit
Collect all the shit bags from the local dog park. Distribute contents around bushes
ZombiesAtKendall@reddit
Take a pint of sugar, mix it with a pint of hot water, pour the mixture all around where they congregate. Hopefully this will attract a bunch of wasps.
Budget_Management_81@reddit
They don't know what they are doing. You are the clueless one.
Just call the cops over and over there again.
mzanon100@reddit
I've had similar problems.
What solved my problem was to play "Wiegenlied" (Brahms' lullaby) at them loudly.
If the first play doesn't get the message across, play it again and add a strobe light.
superduperhosts@reddit
Dead fish in the bushes
x4ty2@reddit
Animal piss in a really good mister.
superduperhosts@reddit
Dead fish
thebigboss164@reddit
Get a cheap rain overall (the plastic things), then get „Buttersäure“, fill a balloon with it, aim and preferably hit one of them. Then take off as fast as you can. Film it for additional fun later
jrhiggin@reddit
Set up a sprinkler system that turns on while they're there. If you have access to the roof dump ice water on them so that they don't know which window it came from.
Realistic-Most-5751@reddit
Something along the line of soaking everything in vinegar or water. No one likes to stand in or out their drink down in wet. Vinegar for smell but also for cleaning. 🤷♀️