Talk a lot to your parents while you still can

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Kimchi2019@reddit

I left a very splendid existence overseas so my kids could be around Grandma and Grandpa and other relatives.

I spent most of my adult life out of the country. I have spent 8 of the last 12 years in country reasonably near my Mom and Dad.

My Dad passed away a while back and my Mom in June. So no need to live in USA anymore - but am stuck until my kids finish high school.

I left because I had started higher level work even when in high school. It was just too hard to be working on some complex problem in a lab and be around people worrying about if they will get their favorite soda. So I went as far away to college as possible. That was academically not challenging so I went overseas to study. And I stayed.

There were times I didn't write home for a year or so. I remember working in one side of the embassy and going home and the other side calling me saying my Mom is looking for me : ) Luckily those two sides didn't cross paths.

One thing about moving to another country is you are culturally free. You can be whoever you really want to be as there is not a wall of shame or expectations placed upon you.

I am heading out later this year to buy a few properties and get ready to exit. I doubt I will ever live in the USA again except for some summers to check on investments and see my kids (who knows where they will end up as they are extremely global). Hopefully wife an I will not cramp their style and they will want to be around us when older : )

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djmom2001@reddit

This is good advice. I’ve had a strained relationship with my parents my whole life. Mainly because they tried too hard to motivate me to « do my best ». I was very stressed as a child resented it my whole life until I got older and realized they just were trying to be the best parents they could be.

As my dad has gotten older I’ve had to return a couple of times to help out and it has been very therapeutic to see that they are more human than I remember as a child.

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gonative1@reddit

What do you mean to do do your best. What did they ask you to do. Become a astronaut?

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djmom2001@reddit

I’ll assume you are asking in a sincere manner but it was very frequent harassment about grades and my appearance.

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gonative1@reddit

Hmmmm,…. I guess extremes are not good. My parents didn’t ever ask me about my grades or know what I was doing. Ever. I dont think they knew what I was studying in college, or who my friends were, or if I had a girlfriend lol. So I am sincerely wondering what that’s even like.

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djmom2001@reddit

I guess something in between our experiences would be ideal.

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hanoihiltonsuites@reddit

Some of these comments are so useless. You’ve got a well intentioned message that some people can take. And if doesn’t apply, let it fly.

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bassexpander@reddit

Yeah, I agree. Reddit seems to draw the most dismal people with the worst situations.

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hanoihiltonsuites@reddit

Misery loves its company

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bassexpander@reddit

I agree. This place is generally awful. I see some of the comments on just this thread and ... geesh. What sad, broken lives.

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FrauAmarylis@reddit

Pot, meet kettle.

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ultimomono@reddit

A bit naive to think that's a good suggestion for everyone. From what I've experienced, immigrants who leave their home country and stay away have a higher incidence of complex family backgrounds (if not downright abusive ones) than the general population

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bassexpander@reddit

I agree. But we're not all that way.

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noweirdosplease@reddit

Kinda explains why they pass that down onto oldest daughters

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resolvingdeltas@reddit

while I understand this advice I also want to say something. There is no amount of time you can talk to somebody you love and feel like you talked enough and now they can go. It’s just not how this works. If I learnt one thing from living for over a decade away from all family and old friends it is that you carry all of them in your heart and that the bond goes beyond talking and spending time together

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wndrgrl555@reddit

i haven't talked to my dad in 20 years, and my mom in 15. my life is way better for it. when they kick the bucket, it'll be one less point of contention from people who think i should reconcile with those abusive, selfish motherfuckers.

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TheRazor_sEdge@reddit

The whole reason I live abroad is so I don't talk to my parents. The distance is healthy and necessary.

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FlowerChild2404@reddit

i strongly believe in the saying, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”

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int_wri@reddit

My mother used to show up to my house complaining about all kinds of things and she literally tells me not to talk to her if I'm stressed, only if I have good news to share. I love being an ocean away from her and in a different time zone.

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Ok-Staff-62@reddit

Yeap. Came here to say this. It's one of the reasons I am an expat.

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zirticario@reddit

100%. I’m not saying I’ll be happy about it but I definitely won’t regret a damn thing. If anything, why didn’t I move far away live on my own sooner.

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Telecom_VoIP_Fan@reddit

You make a great point. I only wish I had thought of this 25 or 30 years ago. Now, as you can imagine, too late.

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Real_Sir_3655@reddit

I love my parents and talk to them as much as I can. The problem I've been running into lately is that they kind of just want to hear me say that everything is fine and then get off the phone.

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MsStinkyPickle@reddit

*if you like them

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Skittlescanner316@reddit

Agreed. Society insists we love our parents but in some instances, the damage they cause warrants space and peace

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gonative1@reddit

You said in one sentence what I was ranting about in two paragraphs. I just had to get it out. Thanks.

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Skittlescanner316@reddit

I’m glad you did! I totally understand. My mother was incredibly toxic and abusive. When she passed away, I wasn’t upset I didn’t try harder. I did what I could and am totally at peace with it. People only change when they see an issue with their behaviour. If a parent can’t do that-it’s healthier to step back.

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gonative1@reddit

Wow. You have a lot of clarity and peace. I’m struggling some days with bitterness but I’m finding more peaceful days as I get older. And I think the bad days makes me want to trauma dump and I find Reddit a safe place to do that. It’s when a old repressed memory or emotion surfaces that my peace vanishes. I’ll try to be aware of this pattern. Peace be with you.

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Skittlescanner316@reddit

It took me years to get to that point. And if you need to trauma dump to work through it I hope you cut yourself some slack. It’s significant to have a parent behave that way. I’ve incorporated a lot of meditation as well as plant medicine to get to where I’m at. It’s been a significant journey but totally worth it. I hope you continue to reach that state of peacefulness more consistently ❤️

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gonative1@reddit

Thank you so much for the kindness. Im trying to be kind to myself and a nudge helps. I have a massive urge to sell everything and ramble internationally. Ive never felt it so strong before. A urge to live in Europe, Asia, Africa. Maybe volunteer on farms and permaculture sites. Maybe get a van in Europe. And go back to the UK. Have not spent much time there since childhood. The timing for this urge is awkward as we recently committed to a house here in USA. And I wonder if I’m wanting to run away from dealing with my personal stuff. Ive moved 13 times I think in my life. Maybe I should say put and work on peace. Can you relate to any of this?

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Skittlescanner316@reddit

I absolutely can! What I learned is that when I moved overseas I was hit with many highs and lows-but no matter what-my deep seated problems followed me and eventually became apparent. Do know if you’re looking to escape something, it will follow you.

That said…the urges you described sound wonderful. Dig deep and ask yourself if those things will bring you joy. So many people don’t truly know what makes them happy. Further, continue to work on your struggles and coming to peace with your past. Lastly, I feel strongly healthy community is crucial. It took me years but I now have multiple friends I could reach out to at any hour. The love and support they show me really taught me about healthy relationships and it was key in moving past struggles with my mom.

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phiiota@reddit

and if they like you

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501st-Soldier@reddit

Dad? lmao

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phiiota@reddit

No Mom was constantly depressed about life

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dph99@reddit

You're projecting.

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theghostofcslewis@reddit

I can hear my son in The Netherlands on WhatsApp right now in the other room.

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the_need_for_tweed@reddit

My mom told me I’d accomplish nothing and my father is dead. My mom is dead to me. No thanks

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Hitsuzenmujun@reddit

I became an expat 30+ years ago mostly due to fascination with my adopted country, but also wanting to get away from my controlling parents who continued to view me as a child. The time and distance apart was good and healthy way for me to become my own person.

With that said, I agree with the OP. Over time, my relationship with my parents has become much stronger. They gradually understood that I was a successful adult, and I realized over time that they raised me the best way they knew how. As they now face their twilight years, we cherish our conversations and whatever time we can spend together.

Relationships change over time. Not always, but often.

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FIRE-GUY111@reddit

Hmmmm.... I thought we moved to get away from them LOL

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gonative1@reddit

We were part expats, part immigrants, and part refugees now I understand it better after decades of confusion. Yep , parents sure can suck. They can find their own family they started toxic to them once they are triggered. They screwed it up badly. I suddenly remembered this morning my Mum not once came out to the garage and showed the slightest interest in what I was doing as a teenager. For years. Neither of them did. So I gave up what I was working on eventually. They never knew what I was doing. Ever. It’s like I didn’t exist once they were triggered. I could have been dead in there for days and they would not have noticed. In fact on the extremely rare occasion I got up the courage to ask about something about doing something together they would get in a rage. I could see now they were very angry that they had children. At the time I internalized it like I had done something wrong. As a result I’ve had low self worth my entire life. I slid into depression that has lasted a lifetime. I suppressed and repressed it for decades but that caused me to be attracted to partners who were like them. Which made me suppress it even more and try harder. Then another partner just like them. On and on like endless torture. All that time I had a undiagnosed and untreated head injury. So my careers all fell short. My college fell short. It’s almost diabolical how it unfurled. My little brother drank himself to death. I tried to help him but what could I do with a undiagnosed and untreated head injury and cPTSD. Both other brothers are alcoholics. One of them would be dead if his wife had not been such a rock for him. The other, the oldest, is struggling to not be a “mini me” after our Dad who only thought about rocks and his job researching geology. He resented having a family. Often the oldest becomes a mini me. Our oldest brother resents being the oldest brother. I had no clue what all this crap does to a person or a family.

So to get back to what the OP is suggesting I think it’s subjective. When I look back. Which is difficult due to the head injury. I see my Mum tried to be a kind and loving Mum but it was when she got “triggered” that she turned into a unrecognizable person. Similar with our father. They triggered each other and took it out on the children. Stress can do awful things. They basically went into a form of insanity so I could forgive that and talk with them. Our Dad smoked himself to death as the ultimate fuck you to us and our Mum moved 12,000 miles away. Back to where we came from leaving us all screwed up in a foreign country. A tale of abandonment. But she will not admit what happened so I don’t really feel like talking with her. Ive got a very bad taste in my mouth. Why should I be the only one that admits my shortcomings!? She tries to blame it on our Dad. I suppose they were/are in denial and I should forgive that also. A lot of cPTSD survivors have insane parents I’m finding out. Ugh.

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andyb521740@reddit

not everyone is on good terms with their parents

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frogsoftheminish@reddit

I'm surprised how many comments I agree with. I'm also in the "couldn't care less" group. They made their choices, and I made mine. Ignoring them is not going to be a regret for me. I'll only regret not being there for the funeral to see them dead in person.

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monbabie@reddit

Whenever my parents visit me, all they do is talk, telling me the most mundane shit ever and spreading gossip. It’s the same whenever we FaceTime. They want to call and then they just tell me who they’ve seen at the coffee shop or what meals they’ve had. Like I’ll miss it eventually, sure, but it’s also very shallow and it makes me sad.

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gonative1@reddit

They might just be trying to keep it all calm and peaceful.

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gorogy@reddit

I really hate these advice. Most people already know this and already feel guilty living far away from the family. Saying "you'll regret when they die etc." feels like a threat to me.

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nakedtalisman@reddit

Really weird thing to consider a “threat”. It’s a reminder meant with (obvious) good intentions. Especially I think for younger people who tend to think family is there forever - which, as you get older, you realize isn’t the case. If you don’t get along with your family then don’t reach out. This reminder wasn’t for you then. Pretty simple.

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