I (25F) want to go back to my home country but is sad to leave me boyfriend (29F)
Posted by Chance-Practice-7898@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 32 comments
Hi reddit! I’m currently living in Paris for 2 years and France for 4 years in total. It’s been 2 years that I have been wanting to go home already. Early this year, I met my boyfriend and we have been together for almost 5 months and we get along really well and we both care a lot for each other. My visa is expiring in January and I told myself it’s probably time to go home but I’m torn because 1. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend 2. The association I’m working for is offering me a job when my contract ends in November. Problem is, it’s a dead-end company and I really don’t like working here.
I can’t decide what to do. I was single for 2 years before I met my current boyfriend and I’m scared I won’t be able to find someone when I go back home. Or what if he is the one and I’m making a mistake of leaving France? I’m also scared if I go back home, it’ll be so different from what I’m used to and I will regret it.
Terrible-Awareness68@reddit
You are so young. Is the job is a way to stay and potentially get something different in the future (your foot in the door so to speak)? Have you visited your home country at all in the last 4 years? Maybe a trip home (if feasible) would help. You should really write down a list of pros and cons of staying and leaving. IMO you miss what you left, and 4 years later you are a very different person and would be returning to a lot of changes. Reverse culture shock is absolutely a thing and in my experience harder, because you think you know what to expect when you return home but are surprised at how much YOU have changed. I vote for you to stay because you are young only once, and you would be returning to hopes and dreams of what home was like vs your life now in France while not perfect, it doesn’t sound bad.
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
Yes I visit home a lot (2-3 times per year) and my family visits me as well here but I have this feeling that it’s time to go home and my whole heart is telling to do this. For me pros of going home is near family and the environment (I’m from a tropical country where) but cons is les freedom vs Europe standards and I would be leaving my boyfriend & the problem is I’m not attracted physically to men from my country 😩
LolaStrm1970@reddit
This sounds weird. You aren’t attracted to men from your country? How can you discount your own people?
owolf8@reddit
Not op but i guessed because of that she is from the Philippines, checked the comment history and I was right lol. Its a filipina thing.
VelysiadeLune@reddit
southeast asian women are seriously weird about this, they need to be called out for this more often
LolaStrm1970@reddit
Sounds a bit racist and self-loathing.
owolf8@reddit
Without context, sure.
I have a Filipina ex, she talked about how all her and all her friends prefer to date white guys.
In fact they went as far as to rank the races in order of attractiveness, with their own race ranked behind white/european, korean and turkish.
It was wild to hear tbh. But since then I can't help but notice a lot of Filipinas are like that, its a cultural thing.
Terrible-Awareness68@reddit
Honestly, either way you will have regret. You can go home at any time. My advice would be to take advantage of living abroad and move back when you are absolutely sure that is what you want for yourself. I understand you miss home. But it sounds like you are at a crossroads and need to take the path that lets you to live. It would be much harder to return to France probably, and what do you really have to lose? Experience in France would likely also look good on your resume, not to mention it would allow you to build your professional network outside of your home country.
tiredblonde@reddit
I'm older than you, and when I was your age, I made the mistake of following my heart (and hormones). It didn't end well. You've got your life in front of you, pay attention to your career! Men will come and go, but a career is forever.
FieldDesigner4358@reddit
Doesn’t mention that there is a better move career wise.
Definitely won’t know if This is the one after Leaving. I left a relationship under similar circumstances 13 years ago. Haven’t met the person yet :/…normally I would say choose career, but sometimes the relationship is what should be given time to work
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
Trueeeee. It’s really random these things I’ve been in both situations. You never know :/
FieldDesigner4358@reddit
I had a good job offer in a different city. We had been dating for a year and a half. She was a teacher. I chose my career, and she chose hers. However, she is still a teacher (not to talk down to teachers at all) My argument was…we can find a new teaching job for you in 3 months, and we will have double the money.
She must have been having 2nd thoughts about me.
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
So did you ask her talk about moving in the same city at all or that was the end of it? When you got the offer?
Do you mean that you told her that she can find another teaching job in the city you were moving to?
FieldDesigner4358@reddit
Yes. I wanted her to move. But it wasn’t meant to be. We kind of stayed together for 3 more months after I moved, I made 3 trips home back home. It was clear she wasn’t going to move. We just kind of ended it.
toadiefrog@reddit
There is no such thing as “the one”. The idea that we are only perfectly compatible with one person is just a romanticized idea and nothing more. Good relationships take HARD work. There are so many people in this world - we will meet thousands of them in our lifetimes but we’ll never meet them all. 5 months isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, so if you like him and he likes you, try out long distance. You can always go back.
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
I can’t go back to France once my card expires in January. I can only go back as a tourist 🥲 so I have two choices to make
PeaceCookieNo1@reddit
This is one of many forks in the road you will meet in your lifetime which takes level-headed thinking and courage. One thing I do in a situation such as this is write on a paper or two all the Pros (short term pros) of staying in France. Then all the pros (long term) of staying in France. Then write all the Cons (short term) and cons (long term). Then get more paper and flip it by writing all the pros (short term) of leaving France…then the pros (long term) and finally the cons (short&long term)… You may not find a perfect decision but at least you can prioritize what in the end you are willing to give up.
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much, I am doing this now 🥺
Early_Divide_8847@reddit
Don’t stay at a dead end job that you don’t even like for a guy. Do it for your husband maybe, not a guy.
1ksassa@reddit
Sure sign that you live in our age if you stop and wonder if boyfriend (29F) is just a typo or real
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
Is a typo or real? What do you mean?
JesusWasALibertarian@reddit
He means that (29F) means a 29 year old female but you they were your boyfriend. The person was commenting on the current depravity of our society.
blurgurgen@reddit
"I’m scared I won’t be able to find someone when I go back home."
This. This is the reason you're debating this topic, instead of following your gut (when your gut is clearly telling you that it's time to go home).
Scarcity mindset. You're afraid of being alone.
The feelings of unhappiness you are experiencing right now will never go away as long as you stay in France.
breadlessm0ment@reddit
I am older than you 34F. I would not make a big decision based on a romantic relationship. He is not your husband. Take him out of the picture and then make your decision.
Weltkaiser@reddit
You can find another job in Paris, but can you find another french boyfriend in your home country?
Take your expiring visa as a chance to go back home for 3 months and see how it feels. A change in perspective will make the decision easier. And if you feel like, just come back on a tourist/job seeker visa and figure it out.
Confident_Coast111@reddit
you would not ask these questions if your current boyfriend would be „the one“… you would 100% know it and not ask..
FiendishHawk@reddit
It’s only been 5 months
Virtual-Stranger-988@reddit
I am 38F so much older than you. One thing I have learnt the hard way is never make professional or personal decisions based on the men in your life. You are bound to suffer and miss out on personal achivements. That is what I also teach my lil girl.
mayfeelthis@reddit
What’s back home?
Do what makes you feel good n happy, stable.
‘You’ve yet to meet all the people you’ll meet in your life.’
Chance-Practice-7898@reddit (OP)
The sunny weather, warm people, family, comfortable & cheap life. Staying here in Paris is the opposite, it reminds me of how different my life back home is 😰
tjguitar1985@reddit
If your boyfriend doesn't want those things, then he's not the right guy for you.
mayfeelthis@reddit
There’s your answer.
Give this dude directions and be out imho. You won’t do your best work and live your best life when you feel like crap. Trust me.