Are Americans protective of their siblings? Is there any sort of an age or gender authority between siblings?
Posted by JagerJack7@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 55 comments
As someone from a Muslim culture, certain scenes from American movies can unintentionally make us laugh sometimes. I remember once I went to cinema, don't remember the exact movie, but there was this scene where brother was talking to sister's boyfriend about their sex life. And someone in the audience shouted "peyser"(no literal translation but closest would be "beta", "cu*k") and the entire cinema burst into laugh.
So irl how protective can you guys be in regards to your siblings? Give me examples.
Irak00@reddit
I’m guessing in the movie, the older brother was telling the sister’s boyfriend to keep his hands to himself? This is kind of a typical theme in movies. If so, yes this can happen between siblings particularly if the sibling dislikes your significant other; I would say it’s most common during the teenage years.
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
No, he was offering to make a playlist for them to play while having sex.
AtlantianBlade@reddit
That sounds a bit weird....sure you can't remember the title? Actors? Plot?
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
So my apologies, I got a couple of things wrong. First of all it was a Spanish movie, but since they are all dubbed I thought it was American. And the particular conversations actually happened directly between brother and sister. He tells her "I made a CD for your guys and wrote "good for f*cking" on it, enjoy the night".
That makes more sense now tbh, I do have some Spanish friends.
Irak00@reddit
Thanks for clarifying that because my immediate thought was this was not an American film.
cherrycokeicee@reddit
this sounds like an intentional joke to me
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
It didn't seem so but if you're curious you can watch the movie and make up your mind.
AtlantianBlade@reddit
Ok. Yea cause that would be odd by American standards
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
I don't but will check with my friend to see if they remember.
OhThrowed@reddit
So... a comedy? Meant to make people laugh with absurd situations?
ProfuseMongoose@reddit
It completely depends on the culture of the family. I would never stand for my brother talking to my boyfriend about something intimate between my boyfriend and I because...gross. My brother has no say in who I date and it's none of his business, like any of my siblings. He doesn't have any say or power over me just because he's male and, to me, that thought that he would is ludicrous and insulting. It's a different story if my boyfriend hit me, of course. If I was being physically or emotionally abused any of my siblings would step up to help.
One thing in your post that struck me as odd. In your example is the brother being called a "cuck"? because that would insinuate that the brother and sister have a sexual relationship.
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
Well, as I clarified there is no literal translation for the actual word, but it is something that applies not just to your wife or gf but to all women in your family.
Both age and gender play a big role for us. There are things that you aren't allowed to say or do in the presence of an older brother. Like smoking for example.
Wevermonic@reddit
If smoking in front of my big brother is an issue, then no thanks. I feel sorry for the women of your culture then.
I mean, smoking could be seen as a way to spend time with your siblings. That's what it's like when I used to smoke weed or drink anyways. Socially, hanging out, shooting the sh*t...
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
That one is not just a woman thing. Certain things are more about age, certain things are more about gender and some might combine both.
"Ageism" is pretty common in the east. Koreans are even more strict with it, they have an entire honorific system which you must use when talking to older people.
Wevermonic@reddit
Yeah, ageism is kinda common in America. But an older person would have to be elderly.
This might be different based on race too. Black people do not call their elderly or older generations by the first name only.
justdisa@reddit
We would never grant a male sibling automatic authority like that. He might be protective, but if he oversteps, it would be seen as sexist and outdated.
oliviamrow@reddit
The answer to this is "sometimes"- every pair of siblings has a different dynamic, informed by any number of factors: age difference, culture, gender difference, performance in school/hobbies, interests, general personality, ND/not, parental approach and treatment, etc etc etc.
My brother wasn't protective of me, or at least not anywhere I ever observed it, which is good because I would have resented it at the time. I was a pretty difficult sister to have- two and a half years younger but precocious and aggressive about asserting myself as an equal and denying him any authority or seniority over me, which was probably somewhat galling in our pre-adolescence. This was exacerbated somewhat by the common parental tendency to feel more experienced and therefore be less restrictive with a second child. We also went to different schools and therefore had completely different circles of acquaintance.
If I was going to paint with the broadest of strokes, I would say that usually older siblings are at least slightly protective of their siblings (at least vs strangers or people the older siblings dislike), and usually older siblings have a modicum of authority over their siblings. But the range of possibilities is SUPER wide.
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adoptedmom@reddit
Can you explain more? This makes no sense. What was funny about it? Was the brother supposed to beat up his sister's boyfriend or something instead? When you are asking about being "protective" of siblings do you mean regarding sisters having sex?
We're very protective of siblings. I'm a woman but when I was young if I caught someone picking on my younger brother I put a stop to it. if verbal humiliation didn't do it, I'd throw punches. My older brothers were protective of me as well - but there's a difference between being protective and sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. They respected me enough to trust my judgement and let me take care of myself. When I was dating they engaged with my boyfriends from the point of view that they trust me and my judgement so they just tried to be friends with the guys I brought home. Same with me for them. I might not like a girl they were dating but if my brother was happy I supported them.
OptatusCleary@reddit
I can’t imagine having this kind of a conversation in either direction. That is, I wouldn’t talk to my sister’s husband about their sex life nor would I talk to my wife’s brother about ours. I think that there was probably some reason within the movie why this conversation would be taking place, that might not have landed in another country and culture.
dangleicious13@reddit
I rarely talk to my sister. She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself.
No idea what the fuck this is supposed to mean.
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
Like for example, societal expectation to show a certain kind of respect to older siblings, whether in language or actions.
OhThrowed@reddit
Whatever respect I have for my siblings... they earned.
dangleicious13@reddit
No. I'd be incredibly embarrassed if my sister had to treat me with a certain level of respect or deference simply because I was older or a certain gender/sex.
justdisa@reddit
No.
hamiltrash52@reddit
At a certain age yes, parents will ask for age appropriate obedience from younger siblings and they will get “special treatment” which is usually just acknowledgment of their changing needs as they age. But siblings close in age and post childhood, it’s not expected
AziMeeshka@reddit
Not generally, no. A much older sibling might have some authority when the younger sibling is a literal child. For instance, an older sibling may be left in charge if the parents are away and in that situation the younger sibling would be expected to listen to the older sibling. Outside of those specific situations though, sibling relationships are much more egalitarian.
Wide_Medium9661@reddit
I think they are applying their own cultural patriarchy practices to a movie and another culture as a stereotype. That’s what the question means
Soundwave-1976@reddit
I have brothers I have never met. We have no authority over each other because we don't know each other.
PJ_lyrics@reddit
I'm the youngest of 3 boys. They could mess with me all day but nobody else could or they'd be there for me. That's just my experience.
TinyRandomLady@reddit
That’s my experience with my three older siblings. I can mess with my family, but nobody else better fucking mess with my family.
machuitzil@reddit
I still have love for my family, but things went a little off the rails for us. I wish I had it like you, but my family is ass.
My older brother never outgrew the older brother thing. So anytime I'm around him, he discusses my personal business with people like it's his own, and he mocks me for it for his own amusement. He chastises, or talks down to me like its something that I'll tolerate.
Basically he treats me with less respect than anyone else in his life. So now we haven't spoken in ten years and it's entirely attributable to him believing he has the right to treat me like the little brother he used to beat up on when we were kids.
As the baby of the family it was very difficult to learn to establish boundaries for myself, in part because my family didn't allow me to have any. So now as adults, my brother of all people is the last person who gets to violate them.
JeepNaked@reddit
I have a brother that I never talk to. And a brother that that I text a few times a year that lives in another state. And a sister that I only text on holidays. They are just people that I used to know.
Working-Office-7215@reddit
Were you close growing up? My big fear is that my kids will not have a good relationship as adults. My sister and I are a bit like oil and water personality-wise, but it's so comforting to have someone who's always in your corner and would drop anything for you, especially once your parents pass away.
JeepNaked@reddit
The first one, not at all. 1/2 brother from my dad in high school.
My other brother, I was very close to. We had the same friend group, and I threw hands more than once to protect him. He lives so far away that it's just not practical to see him.
My sister meh. We were never tight. But she's family.
9for9@reddit
Four daughters in my family, no sons. As adults we're close and protective of each other. When we were children the elder looked out for the younger. The elder siblings would be in charge for brief periods, no more than a few hours, while the parents were away.
The elder sibling didn't have a lot of authority. We all knew what our parents expected of us. The elder sibling would moreso deal with unexpected things like a stranger ringing the door bell or mitigating a fight between younger siblings. We'd also have to help the older sister make dinner, but that's about it.
We were all expected to stick together against outsiders.
Squirrel179@reddit
While older siblings tend to be protective, the age gap matters. Siblings who are close in age will generally have similar status, and tend to be a little more competitive with each other. Most kids are not going to respect the "authority" of a kid only a year or two older than them. Most American parents will insist that an 8 year old not be "bossy" with their 6-7 year old sibling.
Gaps of 3 years or more will start to see more stratification, especially in the earlier years. A 10 year old will likely be looking out for their 6 year old sibling, and not view them as a direct peer. The 6 year old will usually look up to their 10 year old sibling, and give them a little more respect as a "big kid." Parents will likely imbue the older sibling with some situational authority when they act as babysitters or mentors.
By the time the younger sibling reaches adulthood, the sibling authority vanishes entirely. Some younger adult siblings might go to their older siblings for advice, but others won't. That kind of respect has to be earned, not granted as a matter of age/gender
AtlantianBlade@reddit
Generally older siblings will be protective but also can be bullies. But no, in the US there is no expectation to defer to older siblings. In an average house with no favoritism the kids are equal.
DanceClubCrickets@reddit
I’m an only child and most of my friends aren’t, so it’s always been interesting to observe the dynamic between my friends and their siblings. I always thought that having a sibling would be kinda like having a built-in friend, but it seems like that really all depends on how people are raised.
My best friend is the oldest sister, snd she is pretty protective of her brother and trans sister, even though they’re all adults now. It wasn’t like that when she was a kid, but she was raised in a strict Catholic household with really controlling parents who she was still obsessed with pleasing when she was younger, but now that she’s an adult, she’s kinda going her own way and looking out for her siblings. I have another friend who is an identical twin, but they didn’t really get into the twin hijinks you sometimes see on TV (like they never switched places to try and trick a teacher, for example) and live in separate states now that they’re adults. One of my friends has an older sister who doesn’t really seem to care much whether he lives or dies, which is a little sad to me… yeah, we’re all in our 30s, but still. They didn’t really have the kind upbringing that I did.
Not really sure if that’s relevant to the question asked… I think it is generally accepted that older siblings will be protective of the younger ones, at least as kids, but as life goes on and we get older, those cultural expectations become less and less relevant, and siblings just kinda do whatever they do, in my observation. When I found out that my parents had considered having another kid after me but decided against it, I was a little disappointed because I kinda wanted a younger sibling to look out for 😅 but oh well lol. Only children are also becoming more and more common here in America, and many other places I think.
Dear-Ad-7028@reddit
I’m protective of my younger brother and it is a theme. However we also have a very individualistic culture so the idea that while you live and will protect them is there there is also the common idea that they choose their own course in life and if they for one reason or another don’t want you to protect them from from something then you kinda back off and stay ready for when you do need to come in. Especially as an older sibling, sometimes you know they’re making a mistake but if it’s something they can learn a lesson from, even a harsh one, it’s not fair to them to deprive them of the chance. If you live someone then you should want them to grow in their own capacity too.
That said if it’s a real threat to them then you should definitely intervene, even if you have to drag them away from it kicking and screaming. Don’t stand by while your brother becomes a thief or a druggy just cause he doesn’t wanna be stopped, that sorta thing. As for how you should approach it, I’m not wise enough for a catch all answer.
MoreNapsPls@reddit
I will throw down if anyone messes with my brother or sister
DOMSdeluise@reddit
Older siblings are generally protective of their younger ones but there isn't really anything like an age related hierarchy. Like if I told my younger brother to do something there is no expectation or social norm that he obey me, either as children or now as adults.
cherrycokeicee@reddit
speaking of unintentional comedy, my dad was the youngest of 8, the little brother of 7 older sisters. imagining him trying to assert "gender authority" is hilarious.
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
Generally age trumps the gender, so it'd be the same.
Wide_Medium9661@reddit
I don’t understand the beta ‘loose translation’ in relation to the scene but to answer: as children it’s ingrained into most American households that if someone messes with your sibling that you help your sibling. Watching a sibling get repeatedly hit, demeaned, bullied or assaulted or sexually harassed and not taking action or speaking up is culturally unacceptable across the board in America.
Wide_Medium9661@reddit
Here’s a real life example: (I’m a female.) I’ve only fought one person as a teenager and it was a boy who was repeatedly picking on my youngest brother. No adults were stepping in over several weeks- months. He grabbed my brother at some point So I punched him right in the face. He deserved it and I didn’t get in trouble
dumbandconcerned@reddit
Older siblings are typically protective of younger, regardless of gender. But then again, this is heavily dependent on the family. Some are not so close
Throw-low-volume6505@reddit
I have 2 brothers and a sister all older I have never met, have no real desire to meet, and they have never tried to meet me. So there is no authority between us because we don't even know each other.
DogOrDonut@reddit
My brother and I are very close and he is definitely protective of me but there is a difference in what a secular American thinks of as protective and what you probably think of as protective.
If my husband ever hit me my brother would probably kill him. If I was ever in danger and needed my brother he would come to me immediately. He does whatever he can to protect me from real danger. However I am not his property, I am an adult who gets to make her own decisions. If he doesn't like who I am dating he can tell me that, but that's all he can do. When it comes to sex, as long as it's consensual there's nothing for him to protect me from. It's not his place to get involved with my sex life and there's no reason for him to care about it (again assuming it's consensual). My brother was friends with my husband in college. There were a couple times he made jokes about our sex life, mainly as a result of my husband being late to practice when he would stay over at my apartment. It was never a big deal.
azuth89@reddit
It varies a lot family to family, the whole melting pppot thing at work.
Stereotypically older siblings are protective, but there are cultural differences in this kind of thing, too.
Authority is a lot more situational. A significantly older sibling might be acting in that role, but if a 17 year old sibling tried to tell a 15 year old one what to do or who to date or whatever the younger one would probably tell them to fuck off. If they tried to pull rank while they're both full adults people would be baffled they thought they had any kind of authority at all.
omg_its_drh@reddit
Generally older siblings, regardless of gender, are protective over younger siblings.
AnalogNightsFM@reddit
Our films and television shows are works of fiction.
Americans are people. Same as any other people, including your people, it varies.
Or, shall we assume you’re all the same?
JagerJack7@reddit (OP)
I know, that's why I am asking this question here and not just assuming what I saw in the movies is true.
AnalogNightsFM@reddit
It varies, because we’re people.
wooper346@reddit
There’s a common theme that older siblings are protective of their younger ones, regardless of gender. They’re playmates, role models, and sometimes even caregivers. My older sister is extremely protective of me (male) even now that we’re fully grown.
Not sure I’d ever want to talk about my sex life with her, though.