Why do parents pay for one siblings entire life while other siblings get nothing?
Posted by Mundane_Handle_9349@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 21 comments
Where to begin.
I'm the middle child engaged to an engineer. I have an older step sister thats a few months older then me (step sister is step moms only child from another man that is not my & younger sisters dad) and a younger (blood) sister. My & younger sister birth mother is heavily in our lives, we just had to deal with a split divorced house hold growing up which came with so many challenges as you could imagine for any split family. I don't know what we would do without her tbh. She is our best friend and has done more for us then my dad ever has! Dad retired early & plays golf daily while step mom makes very very good money selling real estate. Sisters are all in our mid to very late 20s. I'm a new grad nurse currently in 40k of debt from things like school, car, and a very very small credit card that I had to max out just to survive through nursing school and my younger sister is currently working 2 jobs while going to college full time to finish her marketing degree.
The issue going on that has seemed to start to rear its ugly head is from my parents (step mom) doing EVERYTHING for older sister and absolutely NOTHING for me and younger sister, and I mean everything! Older sister works only 2 days a week making 17/hr (a job step mom helped her get fyi) and refuses to get another job. She wanted to go to cosmetology school and 24k down later paid for by step mom (her mom) she dropped out after a few months of school and her mom lost the 24k! They bought her a house and pay for everything for it, she has destroyed house several times & they have completely renovated it 2x (new floors, bedroom sets, washers, couch, you name it they have replaced) They have bought her 3-4 cars now (JUST this week bought her a lifted jeep wrangler with premium upgrades because her old car was never taken care of by her & go figure she trashes all her cars and doesn't pay for maintenance and of course she didn't take care of last one so step mom buys her a nice Jeep???!!!!!). She gets money sent to her daily by my step mom so she can eat out breakfast lunch and dinner and for anything else she needs. They bought her a brand new Macbook, they buy her several vacations a year!! She completely lives off their money!
Meanwhile theres me and my sister, who don't get anything from them, even when I was in school pulling out loans to get through one of the hardest times in my life I got nothing! I get she's the only blood child of my step mom and its money step mom is making while dad is retired but that doesn't make this right , it's his money and his household that he controls (as he reminds me). We did talk about this issue recentlyish and he said he was very upset about this situation and that he "stoped looking at what step mom is sending everyday because its a very large number and pissed him off".
Step mom & sister came into my life when I was 3 years old. As far as step mom goes this women has helped raise my younger sister from a baby. We call her mom and don't look at her as our step just like I don't look at older sister as a step sister and don't make it a point to call her step anything! Me and younger sister are just so hurt by this. I haven't talked to parents yet further and I plan too because I think the first step is to make them aware of how we feel and see what happens after that.
First question I have is:
From previous convos with dad about this wouldn't they know this would/ could cause rifts and hurt?
How do I address this?
As and adult dealing with parents favoring one child how do I personally deal with this?
What do I do if my parents claim i'm being selfish because they always "feel bad for her".
If this ends badly what do I do?
Is this something I should remove them out of my life for? (It causes me & younger sister a lot of pain when we see them do this, that, and the other for her and nothing for us, even when we have proven we are responsible people and we defiantly could use the help as well.)
Thank you for your help, I have been crying today and very upset about this. For more context I haven't made my first paycheck yet and yet i'm having to make decisions to pay a car note or a credit card bill as I wait to start my new job and have a couple hundred left form my last school loan so this unequal treatment is getting to me as I type this right now and make sacrifices to get by while sister is getting a a new Jeep and mortgage payments from parents.
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23zac@reddit
Worry about your own life, don’t let it consume your thoughts/ life as that’s not healthy. When death comes along keep all these notes on what the step sister received and contest the will then.
Mundane_Handle_9349@reddit (OP)
You can do that? Even if nothing is left to me and younger sister let’s say?
Cultural_Tank_6947@reddit
You can contest it, but unless you can prove that the oldest sister manipulated them or committed fraud, you're not getting anything.
No one has an automatic right to any inheritance whatsoever.
mupps-l@reddit
While it is possible to contest a will, it’s worth keeping in mind anyone can be excluded from a will for any reason. Your parents stating in the will they leave you nothing or leaving a small token amount would make any potential challenge more difficult. Them giving more to your step sister now doesn’t come into it.
LittleSadRufus@reddit
Yes "suck it up and contest the will" is terrible advice: 1. They could leave all the money to the step sister and unless you can actively prove, in court, that you were excluded due to coercion, undue influence, fraud, or diminished mental capacity you have no chance -- that it's unfair ones parents prefer one child over another is not a winning legal argument; 2. People are living into their 90s+ these days, you could be in old age yourself before it even became an issue
23zac@reddit
Bloody oath you can. It costs money but happens all the time
mupps-l@reddit
Someone being given more while the deceased was alive isn’t something you can contest a will over.
OP would need to actually see the will and what they’re getting to work out of they’d have a decent chance of contesting being successful.
Pale-Imagination-456@reddit
it sounds like your situation is a bit atypical, but i do find it mind blowing the extreme differences in how my siblings treat their individual children. and they seem to be totally unaware of their biases (weirdly, the children seem to just accept it as normal).
Gigg12@reddit
Have you asked your parents for help? Maybe they think you can handle your situation and don’t want to interfere. Your step sister is probably asking for money and help so they give it to her.
I would go to them and tell them you are struggling and need help, if they say no then ask why they will help your sister but not you and your younger sister. They may not even realize it’s an issue for you.
Behold_SV@reddit
I’m sorry you feel this way. How is see this situation: you and your younger sister keep afloat with all the challenges in your life, while step sister have clearly poor life skills/mental health trauma. Normal people do not trash their cars and house without the reason. Your step mom maybe feel guilt for having failed her education in the past and now throwing money to eliminate the problem? What will happen to your step sister when her mom is not there? I would be worried about her and start conversations not from the jealousy angle but from taking care of your step sister. Good luck!
Mundane_Handle_9349@reddit (OP)
It’s not that I’m “jealous” this has been going on for years and I’ve accepted it. Been annoyed by it but didn’t talk about it sorta thing and loved my life. It’s just the fact that while I’m trying to figure out how to pay bills and pay off debt from school they didn’t pay for she is living scott free with new cars and vacations. It makes me feel like they could care less about me and younger sister. We need our parents too! It’s not all about her
CrowsSayCawCaw@reddit
Your older sister is a complete failure who makes nothing but bad choices and your folks are constantly funding this. Are they doing so because she has an underlying mental illness or learning disability they aren't being honest about with you?
There has to be a reason beyond simple laziness why her life is nothing but a disaster. Your folks may not know how to handle this and are continually throwing money at the problem because they don't know what else to do.
You and your younger sibling should tell your folks you deserve the right to know exactly what is going on here.
Mundane_Handle_9349@reddit (OP)
She’s just as capable as me and the youngest sibling. I’ve known her my whole life and she’s always been the lazy one. I think she’s found a way out of doing anything with herself and It makes sense with the pattern of her life tbh. As kids I always had to help her clean her room because she never picked up after herself. Shes opted to take the path with least resistance in every situation and she’s always figured out a way to get by like this and with my parents funding her 100% no wonder why she doesn’t want to give it up!
dinkidoo7693@reddit
I don't think this is a common thing at all. You need to be upfront and address these issues. Yes people might feel hurt by it but if you don't say anything nothing gets resolved
Mundane_Handle_9349@reddit (OP)
My mother told me to say my peace and be done with them but I think that’s unfair because I haven’t said anything about this to them other then to my dad one time months ago and I just bright it up to see how he felt not to dump how I felt at that time. But wouldn’t they realize this will affect the sisters and family? It makes me feel crazy for being upset.
Cheap_Answer5746@reddit
You're not crazy to be but you'd be better to accept it
Cheap_Answer5746@reddit
Accept it. You will be happier.
Raizln@reddit
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm in a similar situation myself except I'm actually their full blood child and I don't have another sibling to vent with. My parents favour my brother to the point I feel like I was adopted or something kinda wild.
I deal with it by just telling myself I will cut them off in the future and want nothing to do with them as I have already tried the whole "talk to them about it" route and all I got back was "well life is not fair" so yeah.
Ok_Boat_1243@reddit
I’m sorry this is happening to you. There is no clear reason why parents would do this. It’s up to you how you want to proceed, as I see it you have three options, 1) Go no contact and cut ties with your father, step mother and step sister, 2) you continue as you are trying to manage your emotions and feelings or 3) you address the issue. This sounds like it weighs heavily on your spirit and you want to get it out in the open, they will either be receptive, gaslight/ deny or downplay your experience. It could be potentially rather upsetting but if you seek closure this might be the best route. Speak to your little sister, since this affects you both you can talk to them together and she can help support you if the conversation becomes too intense.
Good luck
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