Guys, if you were attracted to a woman, and found out that she chooses to have no close friends, would it put you off?
Posted by Privacy_throwaway6@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 75 comments
I’m talking about women who are independent, confident and able to hold their own in conversation, but choose a solitary private life as they prefer their own company?
bohemian892@reddit
I’d be suspicious at first that the choice wasn’t theirs to make, and that they struggle to maintain friendships for some reason. Failing that, I’d suspect the choice was due to some sort of trauma or damage that I’d be curious about.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
So would this be a dealbreaker for you, even if the choice of life genuinely was what made her happy and she prefers living that way?
bohemian892@reddit
Not a dealbreaker, I’d just be concerned. I’d believe there’s some sort of unresolved issue or history I should be aware of, and that they wouldn’t be willing to share it immediately, which is fair of course.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
So if there was history as to why she wanted to remain solitary, and it was long and complicated, would that in itself be the red flag?
bohemian892@reddit
Not necessarily. The red flag is the way that here you say it’s long and complicated, but in another comment, you say you gradually phased yourself out of a social group and kept doing things on your own. That’s neither long or complicated, so something doesn’t add up.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
I did gradually phase myself out of the group and kept doing things on my own and found I really enjoyed living like that. However the reason for that starting to happen may be long and complicated 😅
bohemian892@reddit
The more comments you answer, the less it adds up, and that’s the real flag here. Living a solitary or antisocial lifestyle isn’t a problem at all, but a partner is going to ask questions and they deserve honest answers. You don’t have to say a damn thing to strangers on the internet, but the way you’re coy about it is a little unsettling. Good luck with it all and I hope it works out.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
I’m not sure what doesn’t add up in all honesty?
I asked if a woman choosing to be solitary is a red flag if she is happy that way, and chose to be that way. As it was me who removed myself from my social circles, and now I’m out of them and have been for years I enjoy being this way.
You commented about if there was a history that caused it it may be a red flag if they didn’t want to go into it immediately, and I asked if that would in itself be the red flag. To which you immediately pounced on me with the “it doesn’t add up”.
If I were interested in a guy and he wanted to know why I chose to start phasing myself out, of course I would be totally open about what initiated the change. Just it’s quite a long story and I if someone asked on say a first date I think it may be too deep to go into straight away, and I was asking if that in itself is the red flag?
But like you say, I don’t really want to go into massive details like that with internet strangers, when the main point remains the same. That I chose to phase myself out of my friend groups (for whatever reasons), and found I enjoyed living that way so kept it like it for over 4 years.
bohemian892@reddit
I didn’t say it would be a red flag if they didn’t want to share it immediately - you’ve assumed that yourself.
The way that you are interpreting the polite and well-meaning responses you’re getting is the real red flag, I’m afraid, there’s some sort of combative insecurity on display.
Whatever happened, maybe it’s your fault and maybe it’s not, I don’t know. But it’s always your responsibility to not press the damage on the next person you enter a relationship with.
Knowing when to stop and when to let things go are desirable traits in a partner, and you’re displaying a concerning lack of self-awareness. That’s the concerning part.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
In one of your comments you said that you would be concerned that there were other reasons and they may not want to share it immediately, which was why I asked if that in itself would be the red flag.
Also my comments to you aren’t combative, I am trying to get to the bottom of what you meant, and explaining as you said that the more I commented the more it didn’t add up and said that was the real red flag?
Not sure where the “concerning lack of self awareness” is coming from with my responses either, as I have been asking for clarification from you as I was confused as to what wasn’t adding up from my responses? But I kind of get the impression from your responses to me that the more I say the more you’re going to assume I’m being combative. Not sure if our communication styles don’t match up and it’s causing confusion as I have found some of your comments mildly accusatory (the your comments don’t add up part), and you’re finding me combative when I am trying to get clarification.
If you read my responses to other commenters I have been quite open in accepting their thoughts. I apologise for any miscommunication. Have a good day ☺️
bohemian892@reddit
It’s time to let go.
CharringtonCross@reddit
Yes, it might. Not necessarily a deal breaker but a an orange flag to keep an eye on.
EdmundTheInsulter@reddit
Not really because making friends at older age is hard.
poppalopp@reddit
I am a very independent, isolated person. All my friends live hours from me and I see them maybe once a year, if that. But I have at least 4 very close friends I speak daily or weekly via text/phone.
Someone who decided they found every person annoying and literally didn’t want a single friend would be a red flag to me, personally. Why are you looking for a partner if you can’t even be bothered with a friend?
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
This is the thing. I wasn’t looking for a partner. I have been out of all that for years. Have crossed paths with someone that I have a strong attraction to, and I get the impression they do too. In all honesty I’m not even certain if I should act on it at all. But was wondering if it would be a red flag to a potential partner. It seems to be mixed reactions. Some people don’t seem to mind at all, and others like yourself would.
poppalopp@reddit
As with most things in life, it would absolutely depend on the person.
They are the only one whose opinion matters.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
This is very true
justreddit_z@reddit
Straight woman here but I feel like this may manifest in either an emotionally neglectful or codependent way to a partner. That is what makes it a red flag with such people.
Time-Caterpillar4103@reddit
Its alot easier to say you prefer your own company than admit all your friends are fucking miles away, have their kids and mortgage on the go and you haven't spoken in five years so wouldn't be nervous per say. They can't be so fixated on being alone if they're willing to go on dates eh?
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
So I suppose more context may be needed. I’m the woman who enjoys being alone. I phased myself gradually out of the social scene a few years ago. Stopped accepting invites to go out, stopped reaching out to people and stopped replying to messages until my social circle gave up. Didn’t realise why I was doing at the time apart from I just didn’t feel like seeing anyone, and was feeling really peaceful just being able to chill doing my own thing. Now I love this way of living. I’m spending more time focusing on my career, hobbies etc. Haven’t even thought about dating. Then bumped into someone I found myself very attracted to, and as I haven’t been interested in someone since living this way (about 4 years now), I didn’t know if they would see it as a red flag?
Cupcake7591@reddit
It’s totally fine.
(guy who did the same thing and isolated himself)
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
How are you finding the isolated life? Are you enjoying the tranquility?
Cupcake7591@reddit
I enjoy it but I also know that long term I it would be good for me to balance things out and have some social and dating life even if it's limited.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Maybe. The issue I find is that if someone starts messaging me too frequently I start to find it annoying, as they are interrupting my me time 😅
Time-Caterpillar4103@reddit
Just make the first leap after the initial ‘are they a psycho/married checks’. Text for a few days and if they seem interesting jump in. I’m sure most people would be okay if you just say ‘hey I’m super busy so can’t text much but do you want to meet at xxx safe place for a drink/coffee’ and just speed it all up.
amboandy@reddit
My dad was forces, we travelled around a ton, new school every couple of years, losing and making friends all the time. I have no close friends because I never had that experience and never met anyone I felt like "yeah I could spend any amount of my precious time with you". EXCEPT my partner, she's my best friend, love and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
So you wouldn’t see it as a red flag?
amboandy@reddit
Well I can only speak for myself, but if she has a basement that is off limits then maybe, otherwise she just actually prefers her own company.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Hides basement door from future guests… 😂
amboandy@reddit
just crudely paint "keep out" in red paint and you'll be alreet
horbu@reddit
If they were happy like that then no it wouldn't bother me. I'm like this, I generally enjoy being alone.
decentlyfair@reddit
I only had one friend we were so close for over 30 years and she died. That left me with no close friends.
scamp6904@reddit
If the crossword is difficult to solve do you bin it or solve it? Most women can be solved with a little care and understanding
NotAnAutoGenUser@reddit
Red flag is too strong, but I think I would be disconcerted. I'm also very happy in my own company, have to be - I spent most of my 20's on the road, usually alone outside of work time and in work with people I didn't know. It's funny, I've heard some people describe that like it's hell on Earth, but I don't think I ever once felt bored. But, I think knowing I had people at home "waiting" for me made it easier.
But I still have close friends, and wouldn't ever choose not to. There's being comfy in your own company, and then there's being literally alone and the two aren't the same thing.
Ultimately though, it's not a statement which builds an entire personality off - many (perhaps most if they really sit down and consider it) people have very few, genuinely close friends. I would say I only really have 1 - I have lots of really good mates, but I thikn I've only got one confidant
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Why do you feel it might end up in codependency if the person is so independent that they value their solitude to do their own thing above all else?
I used to be very social, but I don’t know what happened, people just started to be incredibly annoying for me and I found such peace in solitude
NotAnAutoGenUser@reddit
Because there's no outlet, there's no 3rd party - I don't, personally, think that's a super healthy relationship. I mean, the first hint of domestic abuse is isolation
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
First hint of domestic abuse is isolation? So are you saying that if a woman lives a solitary life that she is likely to be an abuser? Have you confused that with when the abuser purposely tries to isolate their partner from family and friends?? As that isn’t what I meant at all. Just because I choose to potter about doing my own thing quite happily, doesn’t mean I would expect my partner to. 😅
NotAnAutoGenUser@reddit
Oh I didn't mean it like that, just the importance that is placed on having relationships with people other than your spouse
Clitlicker1337@reddit
I had such a woman. She had friends but none really close. She was strong, independent, intelligent and beautiful. Just basically introvert. Perfect for me as i’m extremely independent too and don’t enjoy the company of too many people. And I fucked it up. The best thing to ever happen to me and I fucked it.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Oh no dude. That sucks. What happened?
Clitlicker1337@reddit
Lets just say she was the right woman at the wrong time and she got fed up of waiting for me. Lesson learned and if i ever get the opportunity with someone i'm so compatible with again i'll not hesitate. I love the strength of an independent woman, just took losing one to understand that fully.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Any chance of contacting her again or has that ship sailed?
Clitlicker1337@reddit
Tried but she has moved on. No regrets though, just another lesson in life.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
At least you’re looking at it the right way, about it being a lesson. Things happen for a reason. There will be something bigger and better around the corner for you I’m sure ❤️
Clitlicker1337@reddit
Agreed. No point having regrets in life as you can’t change the past. Learn from it and move on.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Totally agree ☺️
Clitlicker1337@reddit
We're so alike! lol
7ootles@reddit
Yes. It would indicate a desire to keep everyone at arms' length, and I wouldn't be interested in getting to know her well enough to find out whether or not I was wrong.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Ok that’s a fair point
Sidebottle@reddit
Honestly going to depends to what 'prefer own company' means and whether I actually believe them.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
As in they prefer the tranquility of doing things alone and having their own space whenever they want.
Sidebottle@reddit
what do you believe having close friends entails?
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Yes I have. I used to be a total social butterfly. Spent most of my teens and early 20’s partying. Have moved around a lot, lost contact with some friends, made more in the next location. Had a big group of friends in my current location, approximately 15/20 of us who would meet up regularly, chat, laugh, be there for each other. But I phased myself out of it about 4 years ago. I stopped accepting invites to go out and gradually stopped responding to messages. Not sure why apart from I just felt tired of people
Sidebottle@reddit
Maybe that's more a girl thing but I don't recognise that as 'adult friendships'.
For example my close friends are a group of 4. We go out for a meal say once a month or every 2 months. Maybe do odd round of golf. We have a whatsapp group. It really isn't a huge time commitment. We all have our own lives, kids, partners, careers and hobbies.
Could it be that it's the kind of adolescent idea of friends that you have outgrown?
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
No as my longest friend was of 37 years was as you describe above, but I also got tired of that friendship. I do understand what friendship is as I have had pretty good friendships in my 43 years of life 🙂 But the question I was actually asking was if it would be a red flag to know that a woman has made a conscious effort to isolate herself, and is happy living that way? Do you have an answer for that?
Sidebottle@reddit
No I don't, it could be. It's not really something I think you can say in this context.
It isn't even a topic that comes up at the beginning of dating someone. By the time it comes up I doubt it would influence someone's decision to proceed or not.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
I suppose that’s a good way of looking at it really. That by the time it came up the other person would have had enough time to get to know you anyway to have a decent understanding of who you are
Sidebottle@reddit
Exactly. Just have decent answer for hobbies. 'I just stay home and watch netflix/game oh and I have no friends' wouldn't be a great thing to say.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
😂 Yes definitely not with wording it like that 😂
NotAnAutoGenUser@reddit
Yeah - I go out for a quiet drink/meal with my best mate every couple of months, sometimes much longer if life intrudes. It's a whole meme isn't it - adulthood best mates catching up every year and chatting like it's been 30 seconds.
buscemii@reddit
I'm not a guy but I am attracted to women lol so I'm posting. IMO it would be a little bit of a red flag for me because personally when I have a problem in my relationship, just minor ones like, I need to vent it out to someone or get an outsiders perspective and stuff like that. Who would you do that with if not a close friend?
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
I’d not thought of it that way tbh, as I haven’t been involved in a relationship for over 4 years since I started to enjoy living like this
tmstms@reddit
Everyone is different.
It's not for me a reason that makes someone more or less attractive or interesting.
I mean, we have no close friends because we have no time. But I don't feel that makes us better or worse people.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Ok so it wouldn’t be a glaring red flag or anything?
tmstms@reddit
For me, no, not at all.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Cool thank you for your input ☺️
yoboylandosoda@reddit
I'm pretty similar tbh so it wouldn't bother me at all. I often find other people annoying or needy and to some people that means it's me that's the problem, but I don't think it's a problem, I'm just kinda introverted and have little tolerance for fools
I don't think you can judge everybody on first impressions, but I think I'm a good judge of character and I'm usually right about people
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Ok that’s good to know. Hearing you say you find people annoying, I relate to that so much. That’s how I started to feel. My phone would go off and it would be one of my mates, and rather than feeling happy to hear from them I would just feel annoyed or “just leave me alone”. I used to be such a social butterfly and I think I got sick of it, and I feel so much more content now.
fromwayuphigh@reddit
No. That's generally how I am, too.
Honestly, these questions always confuse the hell out of me. Why would her personal life choices impact whether or not I found her attractive? I might not want to have a relationship with someone I found intellectually vapid or morally vacuous, but there are likely a billion women I would find attractive and not want a relationship with.
Sidebottle@reddit
I think 'attractive' in this context is 'would you date'.
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
Yes sorry, I did mean would you be willing to date someone who was content having no close friends
patchmau5@reddit
How would you feel if the roles were flipped, op?
Privacy_throwaway6@reddit (OP)
It wouldn’t bother me at all, unless they tried to make me their entire world. If they had their own interests and hobbies that keep them busy.
cgknight1@reddit
Sounds great to me.
AutoModerator@reddit
Please help keep AskUK welcoming!
Top-level comments to the OP must contain genuine efforts to answer the question. No jokes, judgements, etc.
Don't be a dick to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
This is a strictly no-politics subreddit!
Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.