My Dad is dying and refusing medical attention. He hasn’t seen a doctors in years and is now at the point that death is certain. What do I do?
Posted by Dwoodward85@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 32 comments
Title says it all. I’m sitting in my room (I’m 38) he is downstairs with his wife. He has repeated that he does not want to get an ambulance, he is refusing and has refused to see a doctor. He made his wife promise not to call an ambulance because he is tired of his life. He doesn’t want to Jill himself but the life he is living is not one he wants to live anymore. He cannot move, he can barely speak now and shaking constantly. He is barely there. He sees things and hears voices. I don’t know what to do.
Do I call an ambulance anyway? To I support mum with his decision of no help from any dr? Do I ignore that and call?
He is very very sick. I don’t know if he is going to survive tonight or tomorrow. I’m a wreck and don’t know what to do. Any advice will help. What are the legal stuff afterwards? Will I be in trouble for not stepping in? Will his wife of 50 yrs who is begging him daily to see a dr to get help, will she get in trouble?
Please any advice.
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Kowai03@reddit
I don't think an ambulance service can force him to go anywhere and they may be able to give you some support/advice?
TrappedUnderCats@reddit
I think it might be easier for you dealing with all the admin around recording his death and arranging his funeral if he has seen a doctor in the month before his death. It means they will be able to sign the death certificate and probably won’t have to worry about a post mortem examination. So if he makes it through tonight, ring his GP or 111 to ask if someone can come out and see him. Even if he doesn’t want to go anywhere they can still give prescriptions for pain medications that will make things easier for him, and they can also explain to you exactly what’s going on.
Sorry you and your family are going through this.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
You can't be prosecuted or punished by either criminal or civil law for summoning medical help for someone who doesn't want it. While there's no duty to rescue in English law, UK guidance is to call an ambulance for anyone who appears to be very ill
Dwoodward85@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your reply. Legal ramifications are my second worry. It’s why I’m so desperate to call an ambulance.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
If he's going to go tonight, it's better for everyone that it's in hospital. Even if there's nothing to be done they'll give him something to smooth the passage. You can do this. It is the right thing to do
HuhDude@reddit
I disagree that hospital is automatically better. People can die at home with dignity and symptom control, it just needs involvement of community palliative care services.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
And he isn't going to get that in the next few hours. OPs dad doesn't really experience his own death. The wife and family are the ones who will be traumatised by it. Hospital can be a gentler exit and they need that
llynglas@reddit
But that is not the case here.
smallgreenpanda@reddit
The emergency services will be much better placed to advise you on this situation, than having to deal with this on your own.
Willing_Coconut4364@reddit
I'd call the ambulance. You can all explain this to the doctors. They can give pain medication.
phoeniks@reddit
I am so sorry you are going through this awful anguish. Your description does include many signs that his death is very close. My heart goes out to you and your Mum.
If he made this decision in sound mind and has stuck to it over time, then I am afraid you have to respect his decision. He has the right to refuse care even if a doctor or paramedics are in the room with him, and they have to respect his wishes.
Legally you will not be in any trouble. In fact no-one has the right to override the decision of an adult made in sound mind.
All you can do now is say goodbye to him and be there for your Mum.
Pure_Cantaloupe_341@reddit
Should this decision be recorded somewhere in his medical history?
Once he passes away without a previously established diagnosis, I would imagine the police or coroner would want to clarify the circumstances. Would just telling them he was unwell but asked not to call for medical help be sufficient?
My gut instinct tells me it might be best for him to talk to a medical professional, even if it is only to record his desire not to be treated.
Dwoodward85@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I’ve just read your comment to her and she said thank you. She wants to call for help but he has always said he doesn’t want to see a doctor. It’s been a fight just to get him to do an eye test a few weeks back. Now this. I am aching to call an ambulance but he just doesn’t want help. He just wants to be at home with his wife.
Why do I feel like I’m failing my father?
phoeniks@reddit
Even if you called an ambulance they could do nothing if he was able to say no it.
Dwoodward85@reddit (OP)
Ok thank you for your words.
Paul_T_M@reddit
You have my deepest sympathies, such a difficult situation to deal with.
I'd speak to a doctor, perhaps they could come to the house to see if there's anything that can be done or at least offer painkillers to ease your dad's pains.
I do understand why your dad perhaps doesn't want medical care or to go into a hospital. maybe he's scared or unhappy about the prospects of being there instead of with you and other family members if these are going to be his final days potentially.
I was hospitalized recently, thought it was very serious and I felt that, oh I'm just another patient and I felt dehumanised and alone and that I didn't and wouldn't want to just be with strangers if I was at deaths door.
Final thoughts are that you should try to get as much support as possible, are there perhaps organisations for the condition(s) your dad has that could advise or help (thinking of the likes of Macmillan for those with cancer)
Again, I really do feel for you and your dad and wider family.
firemeup18@reddit
My friend was in and out of hospital for a good year. Clearly dying. He had enough and refused to die in a hospital. He died, at home, where he wanted to.
Thestolenone@reddit
It can actually take a long time to actively die. I would at least see if he will agree to a doctor coming to the house. if he is able to agree. If it goes on too long and he seems to be in some sort of coma I'd call his GP. Its OK to die at home, my mum did, she wanted to be at home. After he is gone you will probably have the police come round, they did for my mum as although she was in palliative care she wasn't expected to die when she did and it was sudden. Same with my exe's dad who died at home of a heart attack. They have to check nothng suspect has happened.
xmastreee@reddit
A few years ago, my dad's health was failing, but he was refusing medical attention too. Wouldn't go in a home, so my wife and I moved in with him to look after him. My wife was a senior carer at the time so she knew what she was doing. He kept deteriorating, and at one point he hadn't taken a drink in two days. At that point I put my foot down and called the doctor. I'll admit that part of that was due to not wanting him to die from dehydration while we were supposed to be looking after him. 'Not on my watch' kind of thing.
Doctor immediately called for an ambulance and in the hospital they diagnosed a brain tumour. He passed a few days later, but at least he was comfortable for those last few days.
My advice would be to call a doctor. Chances are he's going to pass soon anyway, but it'll be easier on you and your mum if you let the professionals deal with it. They know what to do.
Sorry you have to go through this, it's painful, but time heals.
ElusiveDoodle@reddit
You could call 111 and ask for advice , better yet speak to your local GP if you have one. Tell them that he is refusing treatment but if you can do anything to make him comfortable.
So sorry you have to go through this. My Dad made the same decision and passed last year, the NHS were wonderful throughout.
You are definitely not failing him, he has made a difficult decision for himself, all you can really do is accept it and be there for him and the rest of the family.
I hope you will be ok with it.
Dwoodward85@reddit (OP)
Yh the accepting it part is what’s killing me. I don’t want to. I want to drag him kicking and screaming into an ambulance but he just doesn’t want help. He has said it for as long as I can remember. He broke his ankle and refused help until it was literally black.
I hate this. I feel like I have no power in this.
blurredlynes@reddit
I'm really sorry you're going through this, and it's not something Reddit can really help with. There's a lot of layers to this.
Calling an ambulance would not necessarily mean someone swoops in and saves his life against his will. If it is the end they can make him comfortable for his last few moments.
Would calling 111 and asking to speak to a doctor over the phone be a compromise? Cannot guarantee that they wouldn't escalate it and call an ambulance anyway.
JakeGrey@reddit
If his condition is as grave as it seems to be, I can't imagine there's very much a doctor could do by now, even if your father consented to being examined or treated. Or a doctor could decide he's no longer mentally fit to make an informed choice and examine and treat him against his wishes, but do you think that would help anyone?
I think the best thing you can do right now is try and make him comfortable. Try and get him to take some painkillers and drink some water, keep talking to him, maybe put on some of his favourite music. That might help him stay a bit more connected, or at least thinking of happy things towards the end.
And for what it's worth, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Dwoodward85@reddit (OP)
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the words more than you’ll ever know.
ButterRolla@reddit
It sounds like he's lived a long life. I think you should respect his wishes. Quality of life matters. He might be better off going this way than spending the next 10 years in a hospital bed.
Remarkable_Ad_788@reddit
Bless your heart ❤️
Darkheart001@reddit
If it was me, I would respect his wishes not be treated, it is his right and I do feel everyone has the right to choose when and how they want to die and at some point it isn’t worth going on just because it’s possible.
mittens1624@reddit
I agree, there's no nice way to end your life and if he's able to make a conscious choice it seems right to respect that. Feel for OP and concerns over legalities though, I would like to know this for myself and my own family.
Dwoodward85@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your reply. I honestly have no clue. He has been getting worse for a while now and the last few days have been hell. I’ve begged him to go, his wife my mum has been asking him every chance she gets. She literally says pls let me call someone and he keeps saying no. He told her that she had to promise she wouldn’t get anyone in. He has always had a thing about seeing drs and just refuses. I’m breaking apart because I want to get him help but Mum wants to support his wishes.
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