To all of us with aging parents: start cleaning out their junk now.
Posted by Thomisawesome@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 365 comments
My parents are going to move to another country to live with my sister so she can take care of them. They've lived in the same house for over 40 years, and have collected A LOT of stuff. Stuff that my sisters and I think look cool, but definitely don't want in our own places. Now that they're moving, there is so much to get rid of.
I wish we had started slowly tidying up their house years ago, little by little. For example, my dad has a dresser that is filled with photo envelopes. We started taking cellphone pics of all the photos so we can toss the prints, but it takes ages.
When you visit your folks next time, maybe go through one or two photo albums and take pictures with your phone so you have them backed up digitally. Or ask your parents if there are any books you can take to the 2nd hand bookstore. See if your parents will let you take a few items to goodwill.
Someday, if your parents move, or when they pass, you'll have to do all this stuff anyway, so getting a head start on it now will help a lot.
And to all you younger folks out there, stop buying your parents junk for birthdays and Christmas. I've found it's so much better to give flowers, food, or items that get used up instead of something that will be used once, then sit in a cupboard forever.
Fun-Distribution-159@reddit
my mom keeps trying to pawn off her old junk to me and my wife saying it has sentimental value to her. i just told her those are her memories, and they dont mean anything to us so we will just throw it away. had to tell her a few times that anything like that will just get tossed. started throwing it away in front of her when she tries to bring it over to give to us.
at least now she has gotten rid of a lot of the junk in the interim couple of years since those conversations. anything else i will let her daughter do whatever with.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
"Throwing it away in front of her." How incredibly cruel.
Fun-Distribution-159@reddit
It's easy to be judgemental about shit you have no understanding of. Trying to pawn shit she kept from my abusive father for 30 years and somehow thinking we would want to keep it? It deserved to be thrown in the fucking trash. Next time maybe I should send it to you.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
Sounds like it's a very different issue from being "junk." It's all tangled up in the relationships you both had with your father. I can see why some people would deal with by wanting to destroy everything the man ever touched. Obviously, however, that has not been your mother's response. For whatever reason, and even though it's completely the opposite of your own reaction, her approach seems to have been to cherish it as some reminder of at least SOMETHING positive from a very difficult life.
You could have tried saying, "Mom, I know you're trying to give me something that means something good to you, but for me, it would be a reminder of something that was very hard. Keep it as long as it means something good to you, but I just can't accept it for myself." If she kept trying to give it to you, keep saying no. But throwing it away in front of her is punishing her, not your father. Maybe you think she deserves to be punished. But don't pretend you're not being cruel; just say that you feel entitled to be cruel, and realize that not everyone is going to accept the idea of such an entitlement.
Fun-Distribution-159@reddit
I did tell her. Multiple times. She refused to listen. I told her i would throw it all away if she left it for me after she dies because it means nothing to me. Intold her those re her memories, not mine. It was the only way for her to get the fucking message. Any more judgmental shit you want to add?
Just_Trish_92@reddit
Okay: So when you say she pawned it off on you and you threw it away in front of her, did she walk into your house and put it on your mantle or in a drawer or cupboard as you were telling her that you were not accepting it? If so, yeah, then you were within your rights to throw it out, though it would have been kindest to wait to do so until after she had left. But if she held it out to you repeatedly saying, "Please, take it," and you grabbed it from her hands and threw it out in front of her, that was a cruel, bitter and unnecessary response. If thinking that being kind tends to be better not only for the person but for yourself is "judgmental," then I am not at all ashamed of being judgmental. Your attempt to make me feel ashamed with your judgment has completely failed. Have a better day tomorrow.
Fun-Distribution-159@reddit
no, she literally took it out of a bag and shoved in my face saying here you need to keep this after i told her i did not want it, i did not need it, then refused to take it with her after i tried multiple times to give it back to her. you really are an insufferable piece of shit.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
Okay, now you've got my apologies. Your mom was clearly a lot more extreme than the typical old-person-not-getting-why-you-aren't-thrilled-with-her-gift-to-you. Clearly needed therapy of some kind.
vulke12@reddit
My mom keeps trying to give me stuff saying it's a valuable antique. Problem is, these items are not valuable nor antique. If they were, my mom would be able to sell these items easily instead of having trouble giving them away.
PlasticPanda4429@reddit
I have an older lady friend in her 70s. She's saving all these "antiques" for her daughter, a single mother. She said she'll have to take them to Christie's in New York and she'll be rich. Lol, okay Linda.
I've been through two parent hoarder clean outs so I told my friend bluntly that none of these things are worth money and if they are, sell them now bc her daughter can use the cash better than a burden. It's hard to see.
MillionaireBank@reddit
It's tough.
There were several times 2011,2012,2014, relatives dying, houses changing, shifting. Start Early, start soon. Dejunk, give away to family, donate, streamline.
Don't be afraid to look at those hoarder videos and realize that that's our relatives or it could be that bad. Now there's just a house & garage that's not too bad. Doable but take a break don't do it all in one day.
Honor to my family for buying everything, losing it all and being to sick to enjoy anything.
🛐📿🙏
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Hopefully the incessant collecting of useless things is a dying trend. I think with our digital lives, people are more content to have fewer physical things. Maybe I’m wrong.
MillionaireBank@reddit
Sorry it took me time to get back
MillionaireBank@reddit
Ive noted genx feels freedom from taking a picture of the item then accepting it's best they, we or I can do. Archive it online
CynfullyDelicious@reddit
Swedish Death Cleaning - it’s a real thing, and everyone should know and do this.
daschle04@reddit
I suggested this to my dad, and he shot it down immediately. Can't clean up their mess without their consent.
QueenScorp@reddit
This. My mom had emotional attachments to literally everything. She started crying when I suggested we start to clean out her house when she started in hospice ("I feel like by getting rid of my stuff you'd be getting rid of my life"). Needless to say my sister and I have been working on clearing out her crap for months now, while trying to deal with her estate and grief (she passed last November and I live 5 hours away and my sister is apparently incapable of making decisions if I'm not physically there 🙄).
CynfullyDelicious@reddit
My mom’s the same way - she must be there to supervise, along with giving us kids and grandkids the life story behind every painting, piece of furniture, tchotchke, bric-a-brac, etc. Hiw the woman remembers that kind of minutiae but can’t remember something she’s had explained to her a thousand times (like how to forward an email or copy and paste something).
Last time we had a massive clean-out, she nearly drove me to drink. 🍷
UnicornFarts1111@reddit
Next time, record her stories! She just wants to share who she is, and her memories are who she is. You WILL miss her when she is gone, please take advantage of the time you have left!
OneBlondeMama@reddit
Not to mention that you’ll definitely miss hearing her voice & sadly, one day you may forget what it sounded like (which is heartbreaking).
plainyoghurt1977@reddit
We didn't have a video camera before my grandfather died (in 1983), but he owned an African grey parrot that was dear to him. She would still mimic his voice in uncanny ways as if in conversation...like he never died, and was in the room with us. The bird did that for the next 10 years until she finally died.
OneBlondeMama@reddit
That is so awesome
plainyoghurt1977@reddit
We didn't have a video camera before my grandfather died (in 1983), but he owned an African grey parrot that was dear to him. She would still mimic his voice in uncanny ways as if in conversation...like he never died, and was in the room with us. The bird did that for the next 10 years until she finally died.
CalifGirlDreaming@reddit
I wish I would have thought of this!
Just_Trish_92@reddit
I actually did think of it, and kept thinking I would get around to it. Yeah, we all know how that story ended. What I wouldn't give for the tapes I never made!
WalkingOnSunshine83@reddit
When we age, we lose short-term memory first and long term memory last. So it’s easier to recall a detail from 50 years ago than to learn to work a new gadget.
Soundtracklover72@reddit
Yep yep yep.
My husband and I have to be stealthy about getting rid of stuff.
k80k80k80@reddit
I feel like many times the older folks can’t remember how to email because they don’t want to. “We never needed this in my day!”
Mondschatten78@reddit
My MIL is like that, and will likely give you the price she paid for the item new to boot.
Cleaning up her stuff is going to be a nightmare. She doesn't do it as much as her income is very limited now, but she's the queen of buying useless crap no one will really use. She started slowly getting rid of some, but we've got a large garage/barn (was used for RV parking) on our property that is half full of just her stuff that's been there mostly untouched for \~13 years.
excoriator@reddit
1,000% this. My dad loves to comment that he has no idea how, after he passes, my wife and I are going to deal with the clutter he and my late mother accumulated in the house they lived in since 1967. We tell him it doesn’t have to wait until after he’s gone, but he has zero inclination to clean anything out yet.
no_talent_ass_clown@reddit
Same. The whole idea is to listen to them as you help them get stuff gone but my father absolutely refuses. Cleaning up his stuff is, apparently, a "me" problem.
inandoutburglar@reddit
Does this ‘bring you joy’?
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Would you mind explaining it?
Shot-Artichoke-4106@reddit
Essentially it's just about getting rid of your crap yourself rather than holding onto it for the next generation to deal with. Keep the stuff you use and the stuff that's important, but ditch your college text books from the 1970s and old backpacking gear that no one will ever use again.
runnergirl3333@reddit
It’s great advice, but people have to do it for themselves. Going into your parents’ house like a commando wanting to get rid of everything is going to stress them the heck out.
People have emotional attachments to their things, and can remember every detail as to why they still own it. Sometimes you just have to wait till people pass in order to get rid of their stuff. My brother and I had to rent a dumpster to be placed in the driveway for a week while we methodically went through everything. My parents had lived in the house for over 50 years and had kept every piece of artwork from grade school for four kids. It was a chore, but a labor of love.
It helped understanding my mom‘s mentality, coming from a post World War II time where everything might be needed again later. Also, she cherished her things and they really did bring her great comfort. We tried to honor her by keeping some favorite things, but most of the figurine collections were given to charity. Nobody wants 30 Hummel figurines anymore!
Shot-Artichoke-4106@reddit
Yes, Swedish death cleaning is definitely about doing it for yourself, not for someone else. In the last 10 years, I have cleaned out 4 homes after people have died. It's a lot. And if anybody thinks that cleaning out your own stuff is hard, try cleaning out your childhood home while in the depths of grief after your mom has passed away. That's a gut punch that keeps on punching.
Alternative-Dig-2066@reddit
There’s a show on Peacock called “The gentle art of Swedish death cleaning “, but it’s basically pre-organizing and minimizing the crap.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
We all need to do this. It’s actually very freeing.
Moonsmom181@reddit
It is freeing. At times I feel like my possessions own me.
OryxTempel@reddit
We moved from one city to another and during the move, we rented a huge dumpster and literally threw away 90% of our stuff. It was awesome.
Moonsmom181@reddit
We did too, and got rid of/donated a ton but not 90%. I’m due for another big purge. There’s no way I wear most of my clothing. I need to stop shopping.
Moonsmom181@reddit
I highly recommend watching/reading Matt Paxton to learn about downsizing possessions.
My-dead-cat@reddit
We have started to do this with our house. 15 years in the same house and we accumulated a bunch of stuff that the kids needed before but have outgrown, or the hobby accessories for hobbies no one does anymore. When my wife’s mom died and we had to go through all of her mom’s stuff, we realized that we had to do something about our house.
MalsPrettyBonnet@reddit
This book is incredible. https://fablehollow.com/item/ULpFLNJxI5bZJZfWtuoing
NaturalAd8452@reddit
This shall be my band’s name.
Outside-Jicama9201@reddit
I HAVE started this myself! I plan on living decades more... but I don't need all this shit. So it's trash it, give it or donate it. I give my kids first dibs with the clear declaration that it IS going away right now and there are no recovery.
My grandmother is 95 and I am about to inherit everything in her house 🏠🙃 thankfully she has always been a minimalist
Piratical88@reddit
My parents left it to my sister & me to do it for them. My dad tried, but had a stroke. Mom didn’t give 2 s**ts about leaving us with the burden of her hoard.
TotallyNotABot_Shhhh@reddit
I learned about this while clearing out my Grandparent’s home. I did a HUGE clean out of my own stuff afterwards. I also told my kids they are not obligated to keep a single thing of mine whatsoever. Anything that’s sentimental to me doesn’t have to be kept out of guilt or obligation when I’m gone. Keep what you like, donate and toss the rest. I struggled HARD to do this and my grandparents weren’t hoarders but there was a ton of stuff they kept for the “what ifs”
Spicytomato2@reddit
Sounds like me. I had to empty out my aunt and uncle’s house to sell it. It was six weeks torture to sort and purge. It made me realize we ALL just have way too much stuff. And I am trying to pare my life down to just the essentials. It helps to have downsized to a smaller place, where there just isn’t room for extra junk. I wonder if it’s a uniquely American phenomenon, to just acquire as much stuff as possible and to fill our ever-larger houses with stuff.
JackFuckCockBag@reddit
Man, those Swedes know their shit. Meatballs, saunas, death cleaning.
Bleedingeck@reddit
49, with deteriorating health, already on it. Thanks, Danish nan.
CynfullyDelicious@reddit
57 and right there with ya. My mom’s 83 and in better physical condition that me. Of course, she doesn’t have an autoimmune disorder along with DDD, three spinal fusions, and two additional herniated discs, on top of usual aging bullshit.
exscapegoat@reddit
I have adhd and have lived in the same place for over 20 years. I’ve been doing a massive declutter. Getting space back and being able to find things is such a good feeling. Also, at 58, my balance isn’t what it used to be. Removing trip hazards is important. And instead of my step stool which was only two steps, I got one with a railing I can hold onto.
madamesoybean@reddit
My paternal family have always done this but we aren't Swedish. Have no idea where it came from bc they're Scots.
Coffey2828@reddit
They have the same thing in South Korea for people that die alone without family to clean up after them. I honestly hope that’s a thing when I go since I don’t have kids.
often_awkward@reddit
This book is amazing - friend of mine recommended it to me and I recommended it to my parents and they didn't even find it offensive. Actually I think my dad is probably annoyed now because my mom loves the book and she uses it to convince my father to get rid of stuff.
_Sasquatchy@reddit
I took care of both my parents during the last three years of my father's life and the last five of my mother's
Never once did i suggest that they needed to get rid of their stuff because I wanted to avoid future work.
Leave your parent's stuff alone. It is theirs.
You don't have the right to get rid of their belongings or pressure them to because of your needs.
That is the epitome of selfness.
Weird, self-entitled post.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
Thank-you for saying this!
Just_Trish_92@reddit
You know, there's another solution to this "problem" of parents not doing their own post death chores while they are still alive in order to make sure their children don't get stuck doing them, as they themselves did for their parents and their parents for their grandparents:
Ask your parents to disinherit you. They can leave their home and its contents (or if they rent, just the contents), as well as any money they may have, to the charity of their choice, which will have no emotional ties to the goods and so will not feel obliged to sift through every item. If they do not have enough staff or volunteers to do the work, they will just use some of the money in the bequest to hire a company that will sort everything into four groups: sell it, keep it for the charity's own use, donate it elsewhere, throw it out.
All this angst about how much work it's going to be after your parents die and why aren't they doing it now rests on the assumption that all of that stuff will be yours. Essentially, it's acting as if it already IS yours, so you should have a say in what they do with it here and now. That's not something you're really entitled to expect in the first place.
If that sounds like a more radical solution than you really want your parents to exercise, then maybe it can get you over the entitlement mentality.
Mookeebrain@reddit
They refuse.
Ff-9459@reddit
It’s fair to refuse. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you lose your autonomy and your kids should just come in and throw away things that are important to you because they think they’re junk.
Mookeebrain@reddit
Yes, but it is also a burden to the survivors. I am already down sizing and throwing away what I can because I don't want to leave work for others to do.
Ff-9459@reddit
I guess it just depends. I did not feel it was a burden when my in laws died. I would never have expected them to just get rid of their belongings while alive.
Cheryl42@reddit
Yep mine are hoarders, 5 bedroom house, basement, attic, 3 car carafe with storage room over it - all completely full of stuff. They won’t let us touch any of it and refuse to deal with it. I even hired and prepaid for a professional who deals with hoarding and they would not let her. Eventually it will be big dumpsters and everything goes.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I think a lot of parents refuse. It’s been an uphill battle with mine.
Mischeese@reddit
My parents have already done this 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
However my FIL has a 5 bedroom house which is floor to ceiling filled with crap. SIL, BIL & I have already worked out we will need 4-5 skips (dumpsters) 😭😭
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
There is a kind of catharsis in throwing things into a dumpster.
Ff-9459@reddit
I don’t find it cathartic at all to throw things into a dumpster. I find it sad. Obviously if it’s just old banking papers or something, I’d throw it away. But just about anything else-there’s someone who would love it. We go to estate sales at least a few times a month. Some of it we keep for ourselves, some we sell as part of our side business. Estate sales are always packed and people truly enjoy the fun treasures they find.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
We were throwing away a lot of rotten, water damaged furniture and carpets. Crawl spaces are not ideal storage areas.
Mischeese@reddit
That is true. Thankfully the driveway is very close to the house so throwing things out the upstairs window is an option.
I must admit the house I am hoping he just leaves it to SIL. She’s in her late 50s and sofa surfing still. I do worry about her in old age.
academomancer@reddit
We have two of these couch surfing SILs, on in her 50's and one in her 60's, the latter lived at my parents but went elsewhere when they passed and didn't help with the task. Later both have made comments that apparently they expect to be taken in.
Like WTF I'm your retirement plan? I need to write a post in AITA over what I told them...
Mischeese@reddit
I feel your pain! We intend on moving far, far away. She has 5 kids so one of them may take pity on her???
exscapegoat@reddit
I think there are chutes you can use to do that too. I live in a second floor apartment and considered that
justmisspellit@reddit
Can you tell him that? Knowing you feel that way could take a load off of him thinking he needs to make that decision
Mischeese@reddit
Annoyingly he point blank will not talk about anything finance related or future planning. So we stay out of it.
Also my BIL is a greedy little wotsit, so will go ballistic if he thinks he won’t get his. He’s already had so much already, imagine getting to 35 with a family, never having worked and still living off your father level of greed. The whole thing will be a nightmare, I just hope FIL actually does a will 🤞🏻🤞🏻
justmisspellit@reddit
I’m sorry it’s going that way
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Luckily they’re in a single story ranch style house. But cleaning out a 3-foot tall crawl space was hell.
MillionaireBank@reddit
So true.
It's good for the soul.
(Dumpsters can be delivered to your house. It's a large driveway size box on a truck. We ordered one and it was huge and it was to clean out a few houses of stuff.
I think I found 68 sewing machines and it broke my heart to throw them away. It was 2011 grandparents. My parents lost their house in 2012, I lost mine 2008. It's been hard to re own or buy anything again. What's the point is a cycle Pple go thru. Reassess what's needed. )
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I certainly wish we had the time to comb through everything and try to sell it. We would make a good bit of cash. There were a lot of my old childhood toys. But in the end, letting those things fall into the dumpster was actually really good for me.
Tri-colored_Pasta@reddit
Was just helping them get rid of junk. And I was proud of them. Until I heard my mom talking about the new junk they are getting to replace it.
Engchik79@reddit
My parents are 78, 80 and thankfully well aware of how much crap they have. My mom says they spend a few hours each week tossing stuff. Doesn’t help that that they have a giant house and when each set of grandparents passed, we all got their stuff. Heck I spent this holiday weekend tossing old cords, unused old toiletries and old boxes. I live in a townhome so I cant accumulate too much!
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
The amount of parts for things they no longer have is nuts. I found pieces of some old wheelbarrow, the cables for an old VCR they no longer have, and a garden sprinkler workout the sprinkler part.
Engchik79@reddit
Oh geez!! Well, my dad build a barn out back… I hope he’s not he’s not just accumulating all that extra rubbish!😅
No-Cartoonist-7717@reddit
I don’t understand why everyone is suddenly so worried about this. My last parent died when I was 30 and it was hard to deal with all the stuff and make decisions, but it was the least hard thing about the experience of loss.
When your parents die, the last thing that’s going to bother you is taking care of their things. It’s an honor. Let people enjoy their things while they’re alive. No need to “death cleanse” while people are alive.
Spank_Cakes@reddit
No, it isn't an "honor" to declutter, unhoard, or otherwise clean out a house that a parent/s refuse to start cleaning out on their own.
Having to deal with cleaning out a house instead of being able to grieve fucking SUCKS ASS. The spouse and I just got through cleaning out my MIL's house where she and FIL had lived since 1965. They were borderline hoarders, and the amount of crap we ended up throwing out because most of the stuff was absolutely useless was really galling. We were on a tight schedule because we can't afford to keep the house, as it was reappraised after MIL's death. Tick tock, mf'ers. 0/10, would not recommend having to do this.
I'd MUCH rather go through stuff with parents when they're still here to ask them questions, or otherwise just enjoy the time with them while going through things that they don't need to keep. Much better than resenting them for not wanting to part with a single thing while they're still here, no matter whether they "need" the items or not.
No-Cartoonist-7717@reddit
It’s up to the individual. You have the option not to be resentful or not. You could use the time to reflect on their life with love instead.
Spank_Cakes@reddit
Kinda hard to "reflect" when one is on a deadline to clean out a house that's been packed with stuff since the mid-60s. You have the "option" to reread what I wrote, because it seems you didn't absorb what was said.
Extreme-Customer9238@reddit
Wait, you are throwing away their print photos and thinking a crappy photo with your phone is better? Omfg. 🤦♂️
63crabby@reddit
Yeah, I’m hoping that was just poorly written and not really what happened
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Nope. It’s just how it is. These aren’t like high quality prints. They’re front the 30 minute Photo Booth printers.
matahari3274@reddit
As a former archivist and museum special collections person, donate the pics to a local archives instead of trashing them. Digital images won’t last the way print pics will. There’s a long explanation for why that is, but as someone who’s worked in the field, I promise digital pics are not the way to go.
generalgirl@reddit
That’s a nice option. My family is from multiple states. Would the state I’m living in now be interested in photos of people who never lived here?
matahari3274@reddit
I’m not sure but you might reach out to the state archives that they’re from first. Some places will collect actual manuscript collections (letters, documents, journals, photos) from families, businesses, organizations and such as well as state govt records. However, there are some that only take in state govt records now. If that’s the case, there’s likely an adjacent statewide or county historical association with their own archives you could donate to. My guess is the state they’re from is your best bet. I really encourage people to do this instead of tossing stuff. Historians depend on things like that to articles, theses, books, etc. People don’t realize that even ordinary photos can help a researcher or genealogist some day.
generalgirl@reddit
Thank you, I appreciate this very much.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I’m keeping the negatives, and a few Polaroids, but there are just thousands of photos. There is no way they can take it all with them. So yeah, it’s snap away with the phone, or fill my entire closet with albums and stacks of loose photos.
coldoldduck@reddit
I get it. I had to do this with my family photos this past few years. I saved what was relevant and anything with anyone I recognized, took pics of some of the rest and tossed a ton. People who haven’t been there don’t understand downsizing a few generations of stuff when you’re renting or housing unstable or don’t have the space or don’t have kids and are the end of the family line. Hundreds, thousands of pics. It’s brutally painful and tough to navigate even without the judgment. Hugs, random stranger 🤗
BrakkeBama@reddit
There are specialized photo and/or negatives scanners available. I believe you can just "feed" them into the machine instead of having to open a lid to scan them one by one like with a normal document scanner.
Also, some specialized photography shops may still offer this as a service (those shops that still exist, at least...) for a decent fee AFAICR.
The memories though, are priceless/irreplaceable. Think about that.
generalgirl@reddit
Exactly! I recently went through my own photos and started chucking photos that didn’t make me instantly happy. I had a handful of rough years - I do not want actual reminders of that shitastic time. Of course there were some pictures of bright spots during that time. I kept those.
So I support OP and the photo journey they’re on. Keep the good memories in the fashion that fits them and chuck the rest!
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Appreciate the support.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Thanks. You get it.
TiffanysTwisted@reddit
There's an app called photoscan by Google that does a decent job without looking you took a photo of a photo.
generalgirl@reddit
Thank you. I just downloaded it and then sent it to my dad. He has a lot of beautiful photos that he may like to share with his abundant friends on Facebook. He was a popular guy and those Boomers are geeking out finding each other. He can finally share some of the older photos that have some of his military buddies.
exscapegoat@reddit
Scanners produce pretty good quality images. I haven’t gotten to my own photos yet because I know that’s going to be time consuming. I’m focusing on other decluttering first
theymightbezombies@reddit
I was thinking same thing. Someone is going to hate OP for that. My grandmothers photos got passed down to me, and if someone had thrown those away I would be looking for heads to roll. I'm taking my time to go through them and properly scan the photos, no picture of a picture (which I hate by the way), then divide them and send out according to who's in them. Family pictures belong to the whole family and throwing them away is just sacrilege. Maybe OP has a cousin or two who would want to take on the responsibility if OP can't be bothered with it. As an amateur genealogist I'd take that responsibility and be glad to. Stuff is one thing, but photos are irreplaceable.
generalgirl@reddit
But not everyone is you two. Why do you think that because you want the actual photos everyone else will too? My mom is sending me photos but I don’t know the people in the photos but because they’re “family” I should want them. No. I don’t have room in my physical space for photos of people I don’t know. Into the trash.
theymightbezombies@reddit
I didn't say everyone does. Read my comment again. I said that there is someone in every family who would be upset about it. Every family has someone who has or is working on this, and photos are an important part of it. It's ok not to care about it, it's not ok to take that opportunity away from someone who would.
Surprise_Fragrant@reddit
OMG, yes.... My heart just dropped when OP said he was taking cell phone pix of actual photos and then throwing away the hard copies (and most likely the negatives as well)!
It doesn't matter if they're just Photo Hut prints... they are links to the past that tie us together and should be treasured for the history they share. Memories die digitally.
liquidpele@reddit
When cleaning it all out, be wary of hidden cash... we found that ours had hidden cash all over the place and forgotten they had done it.
Ff-9459@reddit
I’d actually prefer my mom’s actual photo albums. I hate cell phone pictures because you never see them anymore. I’ve been in the process of making prints of my own cell phone pictures. Most everything else I’ll leave for an auction or estate sale. We auctioned my in-laws stuff, but I prefer an estate sale where they come in and price everything right there.
Unfinished-symphony@reddit
I mentioned this to mom. She has a fair amount of stuff. She didn’t speak to me for 6 months.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
She’s very attached to her things. That’s understandable.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
I think you don't get what a big difference there is between contemplating your life after your parents die and contemplating the end of your life. Hearing that your child is more worried about the chores they will have to do after you are dead than about how they will go on after losing you hurts. Follow your parent's lead. If they say they want to declutter, offer to help them declutter. If they take comfort in being surrounded by the physical reminders of the life they've lived, leave the postdeath chores for postdeath.
Unfinished-symphony@reddit
I was quite shocked. It was then I realized I’m gonna have to have it all hauled out… I think it must be hard to face one’s mortality through our stuff…
polymorphic_hippo@reddit
Everyone should know about estate sales. A company comes in and handles all of the pricing and holds the sale for you for a cut of the proceeds. Then you just need to dispose of what's left. I've seen packed houses get stripped nearly bare in the process. Lighten your load and get things in the hands of people who will love them all in one fell swoop.
sumostuff@reddit
It's all literally trash, nothing is worth anything but there is so much stuff.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Wanted to do that, but my mother and father are so against strangers in the house. Just talking to a real estate agent was a nightmare with the parents asking “how much longer is are you going to be? We need to make dinner soon.”
polymorphic_hippo@reddit
Estate sales can be done after death.
FrauAmarylis@reddit
OP isn't letting go of her martyrdom. She wants all the sympathy and tiny Violins playing, and your common sense isn't going to pry it from her grip.
Awesome_to_the_max@reddit
What a stupid comment. The whole point of this post is to get people to help de-clutter before they die so you're not stuck doing it while you're grieving.
Aggravating_Low7441@reddit
When in-laws go (who refuse to get rid of anything) the plan is to hold our own 'estate sale' but it's going to be a 'name your price' sale. No offer refused. Almost assuredly to get rid of it all.
Spicytomato2@reddit
My sister and I planned to do that with a relative’s house and stuff but we got so overwhelmed at the idea of dealing with hordes of people that we hired an estate sale person to finish the purging and sorting we had already started. Spending the money was so worth it!
reebs01@reddit
This is what we’ll have to do after my mom passes. She’s downsized twice but there’s still so much she won’t part with. I’m glad it’s a service that’s offered.
redquailer@reddit
I’ve been to a few estate sales like this and the prices were an absolute joke! Like $40 for a nasty used crock pot when I could, at the time, get a new one at Costco for $27. It was really no wonder, as I was walking up, seeing lits of people leave empty handed.
Price to sell and get it out, people. No one wants to deal with the aftermath of unsold stuff.
Then there’s also ‘emotional pricing’.
“Buuut I bought this for $65 in 1983, and it’s still GOOOD!” Let it go, hon. Let someone feel like they got a deal.
KatJen76@reddit
My sister does that for a living. They will be kind and respectful of your journey and your things. The company she works for is called Caring Transitions. They are a nationwide network of local franchises and they have an auction website that reaches a huge audience. So if your folks are super into, say, duck decoys, they have a chance at connecting with other duck decoy lovers across the country. Most of the sales she handles are all online, so you don't have hordes traipsing through your house except for on pickup day. Even then, I think they usually bring the stuff out to them or escort them to it. Anything that is unsaleable is either donated or hauled away by a junker they work with. They also do moves.
sumostuff@reddit
If only they would agree, if only they didn't think that the junk is not junk, if only they would be reasonable.
billymumfreydownfall@reddit
We tried this with my 90 year old FIL and he got so mad. He doesn't want anyone touching his stuff.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
It is his stuff, and if he wants to keep it, that’s his choice. Just kind of a shame so many of our parents don’t seem to think about what happens after they are gone.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
Or maybe they are still, you know, living their life, until they are actually dead.
I mean, YOU are going to be dead someday, too. Can I come and just start throwing out your stuff? Hey, you haven't used this potato masher in your utensil drawer for at least a year. And face it, that painting on your wall isn't a museum piece, and you probably hardly ever look at it anymore, Let me just get rid of those right away, to make life easier for your kids later on. Oh, I'll be coming into your kid's room this afternoon to bundle up that bedspread. It's not like your grandkids are really gonna want that, and after all, your kids are going to die eventually.
There should be some shame here, but it's not on the parents.
billymumfreydownfall@reddit
I agree. Most don't care that it is a tonne of work for someone else.
Just_Trish_92@reddit
Do you think maybe you could wait for your parents to be dead before you decide they can't have their stuff anymore?
It's THEIR stuff. If they ask you for help "decluttering," or even say they want to and you offer to help, that's one thing, but unless that happens, it is absolutely not your place to pressure them to let you get rid of things.
"Stop giving them any gifts that will last, because you'll just end up throwing it out after they die, and hey, that's gonna be soon anyway." Seriously?
If your parents have not chosen a minimalist lifestyle, they are not obliged to do so now in order to make your own life easier after they're gone.
After my mother died, I didn't have to go through and get rid of her stuff, because I inherited the house and everything in it. I was happy to live in the midst of her possessions, and when I lost it all in a fire a few years ago, I was heartbroken.
When my sister was ill and the doctor was telling us she would be gone in a couple of weeks, my brother and sister-iin-law and some of her friends took it upon themselves to clear out and sell her house. She recovered and no longer had her home to go back to. Fortunately, she had inherited half ownership in Mom's house, and came to live with me. I don't think a day has gone by that she has not complained bitterly about people giving away her stuff before she was dead. Some chores just have to wait for the right time, and clearing out a dead person's stuff is one of them.
maz168@reddit
My parents were both hoarders... not to the point of being on TV bad but bad enough. My dad was born in 1929 and mum 1943 (I was the ooops! baby) so, one had PTSD and left over trauma (both personal and generational) of the great depression and the second world war. Neither of them threw anything away, they used it until it literally fell apart. The used to food hoard too - we had second fridge and icebox in the garage FULL of various meats and various perishables, let alone pantries stacked with canned goods.
Mum had cupboards full of linens and old old clothes/shoes she hadn't worn in years, as did dad however dad had jars and jars of random nails and screws he'd found over the years (may need them one day) plus a practical tool shop in the shed of broken tools that 'he will get around to fixing one day'.
I had 2 skip bins worth when I cleaned out the house. I'm not sentimental at all and am completely ruthless in my culling of stuff so yeah.... there was a lot.
NeedanewhobbyKK@reddit
If you can get them to agree. Just spent a couple of months emptying out my MIL’s house after she moved to a nursing home and it was absolutely terrible. Nearly 60 years of junk squashed into a house. 3 massive skips of rubbish and tonnes of stuff donated, a few things sold and the rest in our garage. She wouldn’t let us touch anything before this. My husband and I have vowed never to do this to our kids!
wanderingexmo@reddit
Was going to comment something similar. My parents really need assisted living but refuse. They can’t leave their stuff. We finally got partial agreement to clean and filled up a huge construction dumpster last weekend. Dad has refused his meds since then. We are throwing his life away. Every other day is a new crises and they won’t budge. Mom’s fallen and had two brain bleeds and multiple broken bones. Dad thinks calling paramedics to pick him up when he falls is no big deal. He had a massive uti and didn’t tell anyone for days. They are a danger to themselves and it’s a matter of time before something horrible happens. And there’s still another couple of huge dumpsters worth of stuff to throw away.
NeedanewhobbyKK@reddit
Very similar situation here with medication refusal, falls, dementia and huge stress on the family. In the end we had to tell MIL she was going to a nursing home for a few weeks so we could go away on holiday, then tell her later that she couldn’t go home. By then it was very obvious she couldn’t go home even with daily nursing care.
wanderingexmo@reddit
We have also discussed a slight subterfuge. One person suggested if we move mom dad will follow ( mom’s a little more likely to agree). But I think that person underestimated my dad’s ability to dig in and refuse to budge. I’m pretty sure he won’t last til the end of the year and although it may sound callous I consider it bring realistic. If he goes we prob can convince her , she’s also legally blind. It’s so frustrating! Home care and the three of us that live close by helping just isn’t enough.
NeedanewhobbyKK@reddit
Very frustrating and stressful. Good luck!
Virgil_Exener@reddit
They won’t let us touch anything. SDC is a lovely idea but in the end, it’s going to be three dumpsters on the lawn.
Velouria91@reddit
My parents don’t have a lot of stuff, since they’ve been gradually getting rid of it for years. But they do have big, heavy furniture. Some of it is upstairs. I’m already dreading having to deal with it eventually.
mmobley412@reddit
Ugh I feel like yiu are talking directly to me! Lol
My mom is a bit of a hoarder. She grew up super poor so she saves everything because it might be useful. Thankfully it isn’t like a dirty Howard like you see on shows just stuff. The joke with my dad was always that my inheritance will be brooms and math books smh
Getting her to downsize stuff is next to impossible. She can get very emotional about it and this normally incredibly sweet lady will lash out. So at 77 and in not so great health I am just like whatever… I will deal with it later. I would rather enjoy the time I have left with her than fighting about getting g rid of stuff
Jellyfish2017@reddit
How many have hoarder parents? I often think a lot of boomers turned out to be hoarders. My dad is a notable hoarder of a lot of junk. But his pride is guns and coins.
Connect_Surprise3137@reddit
My mother just WILL NOT do this. And she's always actively accumulating more. Two levels and a garage full.
cakevictim@reddit
My mom was thankfully terrific at downsizing. First she moved from my childhood home to an apartment, after having a stroke, and we got rid of the major unnecessary furniture and big items then.
She then had another stroke, which required moving from the apartment to a tiny assisted living apartment. She pretty much only has clothes and photo albums now, which suits her perfectly. I have some of her things, and now have to downsize my things as I enter my 60s. I want my son to have as easy a time transitioning his parents into smaller spaces as I did.
p0stp0stp0st@reddit
My parent get furious with me when I suggest they get rid of stuff. I even try to bargain reasonably with them: “if you haven’t worn this piece of clothing for 20 years, don’t you think it’s time to let it go?” Or “if you haven’t read this book in 30 years, can you get rid of it?” So I resort to getting rid of bags of shit when they aren’t home. They don’t even notice. What is it with boomers being crazy hoarders and their identities are all wrapped up in “stuff” - and it’s all gonna be my problem soon.
I tried nicely, I tried sternly and it’s all a fucking no.
DrO999@reddit
(S)He with the most toys “wins” was the mantra of time (80’s).
p0stp0stp0st@reddit
It’s fucked
DrO999@reddit
No argument there friend. I think there was even a 1 panel comic on that at the time. Over-consumerism personified.
p0stp0stp0st@reddit
Boomers think that by keeping endless shit in their home, they are diverting it from a landfill. Little do they know that’s where it’s all headed, that & online auctions.
Impossible-Will-8414@reddit
I know Xers who are the same. They keep on gathering essentially worthless shit and are extremely materialistic.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
It only took one day of being hunched over in a crawl space throwing away 20 year old bags of garden soil and cardboard boxes of old Christmas cards to make me lose my sentimentality for my old toys.
dicemonkey@reddit
You ate going to regret throwing out those photos …and cell phone pics are a poor substitute…
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I’m hearing that a lot. But as much as I like having a photo album filled with of old pictures, I’m far more likely to actually look at the photos of they’re on my phone or computer.
dicemonkey@reddit
Photos aren’t just for you ..especially not ones that aren’t just yours
IAmLazy2@reddit
Luckily my parents moved into a unit in a retirement village. Got rid of all the junk. I was dreading that.
Competitive-Bat-43@reddit
There are services that you can use where you send them all the photos and they put them into a printed book for you. (Like they scan them in and create something like a yearbook)
Dependent_Top_4425@reddit
I have scanned in over 3,000 of my family's photos for safe keeping and sharing. I did the same for my boyfriend's family photos. Paper doesn't last forever! And the pictures do no good sitting in a box in someone's basement.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Exactly. A lot of people here saying I’ll regret throwing them out. The thing is, scanning them is the first time I’ve looked at most of them since they were taken.
Dependent_Top_4425@reddit
I've thrown everything of my own that I've scanned in, including journals and drawings and such. Obviously I don't throw out other peoples things when they trust me to scan them. But with the work I put into tagging and organizing them all, with a few clicks I am able to pull up any picture that comes to mind within seconds. Sister pissing me off? Enjoy these embarrassing pictures of yourself on your cherished Facebook wall lol. Need a last minute gift? Print out a pic and put it in a frame. Need to reference something that happened and no one believes you? BAM! I use Flickr to store all my pics btw if anyone needs to know. It use to be free, and that was nice. Now they got me by the balls because I have 30,000 pictures stored and tagged and labeled and dated and in albums on there and there's no fucking way I will be able to move them all to another platform and maintain the same level of organization they currently have.
tesyaa@reddit
My mother moved out of her house and sold to a builder who let her leave everything. Was amazing
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
That’s the way to do it.
liketheweathr@reddit
Good advice 10 years too late
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
As usual. Haha.
Potential_Camera1905@reddit
I moved my mom into assisted living last year. It took months to clean out her place. So much of her stuff was just useless junk like old greeting cards people who were ling dead had sent her. I am determined not to do that to my only child.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Tons of greeting cards.
Cryptosmasher86@reddit
Jesus christ are you dumb, have you not heard of scanning services
don't toss the photos until you get the scanned
actually don't toss the photos, without asking your parents first
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Thanks for calling me dumb. I’ll be sending the 5000 photos of me as a baby and my parents wearing neckerchiefs in the 70s to you for safekeeping.
They know about the photos. They wanted to throw them all away. No one’s being sneaky here.
annang@reddit
You can send all the photos to a service and have them professionally scanned. It’s not very expensive and will save you a ton of time, and get you better quality digital copies of the photos.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
That is something I just learned here. I’m looking into it. Thanks.
PezCandyAndy@reddit
It took forever to get all my mom's crap out of the house when she died 13 years ago. Then my dad quickly remarried to a friend of his and it turns out that she never kept her own place clean. With my dad now taking care of the bills, she has since then bought about 3 or 4 large sized kitchens worth of dishes and various appliances. There are so many different types of plates and bowls and all sorts of fancy 'Le Creuset' stuff that I don't even want to guess how much costs. The kitchen I grew up with is really small, so all those dishes and things are now stacked up onto shelving racks along the living room walls. You see all that stuff right when you walk in the house. She now has an entire bedroom filled with clothes from big designer names and you can't really walk from on end to another. It's insane.
The sad part is my dad is older than her and is unlikely to live 10 more years. He has parkinsons and every year it seems to get worse. Anyway, he spent so much time managing my mother (with her mental and physical health issues) that he never had much time to take care of himself throughout his life. He stopped accumulating as much in recent years, but doesn't do much of anything to declutter or clean his den and home office. My sister have tried to help him but there is only so much we can do when he does not want to throw much of anything away. We helped donate or throw out a chunk of his junk, but we hit a wall where progress just stopped with him. Not much more we can do. We also decided not touch his wifes shit, or even mention anything about it because we came to the conclusion that her kids can take over her end of clean up duty. She will outlive him and will get the house. It is going to her problem.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Man, thanks for sharing that. Sounds rough. But at your dad’s wife m has her own kids to pile her dishes on.
Ligdeesnutz@reddit
Already done! Donated anything that my mom didn’t want to keep after my dad died. Put her in a townhome across the street, she loves it! The shit they saved makes me angry in my soul. I’m not making my kids sift through a bunch of useless, clutter of bullshit. Give your heirs assets, not a house full of bull shit! And plan for your death “we’ll never get out of this world alive.”
Commercial-Novel-786@reddit
My mom took a long walk through hell in dealing with my grandmother passing and leaving an entire house full of stuff to be dealt with. We all pitched in, but it still took seemingly forever.
In turn, she decided to break that cycle and has been getting rid of her own stuff to save her kids the trouble. I'm very proud of her.
And it's influenced me to start getting rid of my own stuff as well.
t1mepiece@reddit
My mother has told me that when she dies, she wants all her stuff to fit in a brown paper grocery bag. Goals.
My dad, on the other hand, is still in the 3200 sq ft house they bought when I was 2, and it's crammed to the gills. All the kids (me and 2 half-brothers) are (shamefully) hoping dad will go first, so stepmom will have a chance to start purging.
Commercial-Novel-786@reddit
Exactly. When I go, I want to own only the clothes on me and maybe the bed I croak on. Leaving a legacy of "stuff insanity" isn't how I'd like to be remembered.
Best of luck with your dad. I get what you're saying, doesn't sound morbid or ugly at all.
tangledweebledwevs@reddit
I think taking that "long walk through hell" (so aptly put!) is what it takes sometimes for people to start looking at their own stuff in a different light. You do that long walk once, you never want to do it again. Or put anyone else through it.
Commercial-Novel-786@reddit
That's exactly how she put it. And thank goodness it's rubbed off on me. I'll be well purged before retirement age is even on the horizon.
tangledweebledwevs@reddit
Good for you, and her! If you can get in the right mindset about purging stuff, it can be really freeing. But I get why it can be difficult. For me, it kind of depends on the particular stuff. And things that were important to keep five years, two years, six months ago, one day are easy to let go of. Its great!
Commercial-Novel-786@reddit
My biggest problem was deciding on a starting point. Once I had Day 1 Item 1 picked out, it's been relatively easy. A LOT of work since I'm selling my stuff, but I treat it like a hobby.
tangledweebledwevs@reddit
Sometimes the getting started is the hardest part! I've thought about selling some stuff that has come to me from other family member's estates, but I don't know that I have the patience lol. Good way to look at it as a hobby as opposed to a have to kind of thing.
Commercial-Novel-786@reddit
It's all a mind game. I have a room full of stuff I'm selling, and I finally said to myself "start on the left and work to the right". Simple, but it was hard to find that. But now I've got inertia on my side and it's going well!
butterweasel@reddit
My dad is 87 and has been going through their stuff to sell, give away or trash. His OCD helps!
BluebirdSTC@reddit
Can attest. We just lost both Mom and Dad two months apart. They had a three bedroom house and shed stuffed to the gills. My sister and I are trying to get the important stuff out before we call in the estate sale people.
So. Much. Glassware. So. Many. Clothes. Mom was a collector of so many things, mainly dolls and NASCAR and diamond painting. It's been two months of slogging through boxes of miscellaneous odds and ends (because if it was in a storage box, it wasn't clutter!)
We found all the photo albums yesterday, stored in the damp basement. At least we got to them before the mildew did.
The whole thing has me itching to make another round of decluttering on my own home. I hit everything except my husband's stuff and the basement two years ago, but its time to do it again. We don't have kids, and I promised my sister that I wouldn't leave her with another mess to clean up.
lizziekap@reddit
Cannot upvote this enough.
PuzzleheadedWeird402@reddit
I guess I was fortunate in that respect. Dad didn't have too much in his apartment when he moved to assisted living. My mother actually moved into a condo near me about 5 years before she died so there wasn't years of stuff to go through when she passed away, although I do remember her wanting to take her spices with her when she moved! :-)
However, I do remember my aunt and uncle taking about a year to clear out their house before moving to senior apartments so I do get it. If the folks have been in their house for several years, it could take a while to go through things.
Tinkeybird@reddit
My mom died of ovarian cancer 12 years ago. It took 6, long years but we were able to really pare down her stuff while she was alive. That said I was left with everything else. Now 12 years later husband (59) and I (58) are remodeling the house we are going to retire in. We are purging left and right. Recycling, charity drop off, selling on FB etc. I am determined NOT to carry my mom’s stuff to our next home. I went through all her old year books and hundreds of cards and stuff I felt obligated to keep. I’m getting rid of stuff we’ve accumulated over 37 years. We’re doing good at getting rid of stuff but we’re dreading his mid 80s parents who have an insane amount of stuff. We’ve all agreed among ourselves that we’ll be auctioning virtually everything as we all have our own crap, no one wants more. We’ve advised our adult daughter to do the same-keep a few things only if you want then auction everything and spend the money however you want.
OkCalbrat@reddit
My husband is a hoarder and 18 years older than me. I'm not looking forward to cleaning out stuff. He absolutely refuses to let me go through the tons of boxes of random stuff and get rid of anything. I'm talking about stuff he hasn't seen in 20 years! 😩
The_Norsican@reddit
Going through this. Lots of good advice here.
for gifts, I've been buying consumables for them for years. Maybe we go get lunch, or flowers get delivered, but at the age they are, they don't need anything.
My silent generation folks kept everything. Due to health reasons no one has lived in their home for 2 years now and I've begged and pleaded for Mom to let me have at it. She refused until this year. The mental gymnastics she accomplished rationalizing why a 2200 Sq foot home still needs her stuff in it with 2 cars in the garage when she's in an Assisted living facility with zero chance to ever get behind the wheel again was impressive. I have a POA and I could have done it without her permission but I was trying to be gentle. a house full of stuff just to "have" boggles the mind. They aren't hoarders, they just like "stuff". Yet I remind them telling me things like "it's just stuff" when I got upset about them cleaning my room out when I left home.
Guys, start early on your parents. Do yourself a favor.
Also, Start early on yourselves. Your kids (or the people who clean up after you leave the planet) will thank you for it.
4thStgMiddleSpooler@reddit
Holy shit. So that’s how YouTube videos titled “Abandoned farmhouse! Everything left inside!” happen.
mamaspike74@reddit
Currently deep cleaning our basement for this very reason. Every time I go into my mother-in-law's basement, I weep a little for the future, but it's a great incentive to keep things organized for our kids.
redquailer@reddit
Great advice. I am personally to the point where if I see stuff I like:
1) Can I LIVE without it? yes
2) WHERE the HELL am I going to store it? Then I keep walking. When is ‘enough’? Will that one more thing make you happy, redquailer?
Look for the bluebird of happiness inside. (from this Shirley Temple movie) This may not have gotten the highest ratings, but it has a good message.
Ya know what makes me happy, now? SPACE!!!! Having space!
RandomHuman5432@reddit
Great advice about starting on ourselves. I used to acquire stuff like there was no tomorrow until our last house move in 2016. Since then, we’ve kept some of the kids’ old stuff and jettisoned a lot of the rest. We’re collecting memories now instead of stuff.
MaryinPgh@reddit
As if parents would let you.
1DietCokedUpChick@reddit
There’s no way they’d let us do that. They’re also hoarders.
klw2112@reddit
My parents lived in separate bedrooms and were very different people. I December of 2016 I helped my dad clean out his closet while my mom was out of town. He had mild dementia by then and was so happy that I helped him purge 9 bags of clothes and shoes. My mom was pissed when she got back that I had purged my dad’s things. She stopped speaking to me. But maybe it was divine intervention because two weeks later on 12/23, he took a bad fall down the stairs and ended up with a brain bleed. He never went home and died in my house on hospice a month later.
After that, my mom moved an hour away from all of us. When she moved she walked away from the house and my brothers staged a massive bonfire that caused many things I would have kept from my childhood to be gone forever. 8 years has passed and her dementia has accelerated to match her frail 84 year old body. I call her every morning to see if I can encourage her (with little success) to get dressed and live by a routine. Even though she had to purge a lot moving from 2000 sf to a single wide trailer but she has managed to accumulate lots more stuff. She won’t let us purge anything. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the next few months but she promised to slit her wrists if we try to move her to a managed care facility which she needs. It wakes me up at night thinking about her and her cat and her house full of stuff no one wants.
TLDR: Get your parents on board with reasonable downsizing. Don’t let them move so far away that you can’t help them daily when they cease being able to help themselves.
Zen-Ism99@reddit
Cell phone pics? So you could throw away the originals? WTF?
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I have negatives, so it’s not like I can’t get reprints. But it’s crazy to keep stacks of printed photos no one will ever look at.
Zen-Ism99@reddit
Not your stuff…
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
No, it’s my parents’. And they basically said just throw it away. So I’m keeping the photos for myself really.
Zen-Ism99@reddit
Okay. My first post is retracted.
academomancer@reddit
Honestly such a task can be overwhelming and usually it's right after someone dies. There were literally thousands of photos I had to decide what to do along with nearly 60 years of stuff to deal with plus was on a limited time frame due to being in from out of town and not enough available time off so it was work remotely from 6AM until like 2 then start cleaning. Then all the tasks related to the death etc...
In hindsight yes there was stuff that could have been done differently but oh well. Lots of it was done in a blur now that I look back.
Glittering-Ad4561@reddit
I've experienced this via my grandparents and now slowly with my parents so I'm trying very hard to start purging now so my kids don't have so much of a burden
madamedutchess@reddit
Get a fast photo scanner like the Epson Fastfoto FW-680w. Will save you a LOT of time rather.
Aggravating_Low7441@reddit
My parents had no trouble(s) with this before they passed. My in-laws absolutely refuse to get rid of stuff. They are not hoarders but they can't let go of stuff they haven't used in many decades.
One of two things will happen when the time comes. A dumpster will be rented for everything or a type of 'everything must go' sale will be held. Whatever is left gets tossed.
Crystal0422@reddit
The summer of 2021, I helped my mom move to a house closer to my brother's and me. My dad had died the year before and we just wanted her closer. They had lived in that particular house for over 30 years and had been married for over 60 years. The amount of photos, keepsakes, she had a story for EVERYTHING and I listened to each one. I wish I would have recorded her stories because by Feb of 2022 she was gone. We then cleaned out her house for the last time. I set up like a yard sale but told all of my brothers, sister in laws, nieces and nephews to come get what they wanted. Of course no charge, just thought it was an easier way to look at everything. I was the one then telling the family the stories she had told me. I don't mean to sound like a sad sack but I miss everything about my parents. Just cherish your time with them and listen to them if they let you go through their things.
Siltyn@reddit
Nope. My parents get to keep living and keeping all their stuff they want until they are no longer around. When they pass, we'll keep the few things they have that we want and the rest will be donated or put in a rented dumpster.
thescrape@reddit
Luckily we did this 2 years ago, now I can start cleaning all my stuff up!
Mental_Mixture8306@reddit
And make sure to go through the photos and get the names of people. Regret not doing that. After they passes there are many photos where we don't know the people.
Document the memories.
HowdIGetHere21@reddit
My 79yo dad just moved into independent living. It took me 3 years to go through his house and get rid of stuff. Mostly because he fought me on it. He is currently still going through stuff he now doesn't want and giving it to me (I have a younger brother who refuses to take anything). My garage is packed full of stuff I now have to go through again to either throw out or donate. I live in Florida so this will wait until the weather is cooler. I also was the one who went through all my mom's stuff when she died 9 years ago, it took months. I agree with another poster, stop buying stuff for your parents. Buy them food, clothes, or something that will be used and discarded.
Sccindy@reddit
I 100% agree with this. My mom passed away 10 years ago and wow...it was a giant undertaking to get all of her stuff gone through. I'm already thinking about how I'm going to purge a lot of my own stuff sooner rather than later because I don't want my daughter to have to deal with it like I have.
_Sasquatchy@reddit
Can i just add how fucking horrifying it was to read this part:
As a former navy photography and amateur genealogist, this makes me want to cry. what a callous act.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Why callous? If my parents wanted to keep the photos, we’d just put them in a big box and send it with them. But they don’t want to go through them, and have no interest in sitting around looking at them. I’m literally taking photos of them for myself, as I want them, but have no room to keep them.
The only thing I’m keeping are negatives I find. I can put all those in a box and get any redeveloped if I want to. I spent nearly three hours just opening photomat envelopes to take out the negatives yesterday, and that wasn’t even a quarter of the photos they have stashed away.
THEREALSTRINEY@reddit
Luckily, my now 77 yo mother started cleaning out her house after my grandparents passed. They had a TON of shit! It took the family 6 months to go through it all. They had a few antiques and other things that were sort of valuable. But my aunt thought everything in the house was worthy of sale at an auction. So after 6 months of work, an auction netted $1500, not including the house. Was it worth it? Monetarily, no, not in my opinion, but we did find some interesting things along the way that sparked some memories. So it was worth it in a sentimental way.
One-Armed-Krycek@reddit
There are services that will make copies (en masse) of photos. We utilized this when my mom passed. They also did video film from old 8 track film cameras for us as well. You can get some good deals on those!
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I’ll look into that. Thanks.
jb4647@reddit
For gods sake, never throw away the original photos. There will always get ways to scan at higher resolution. This is especially true of original negatives and film.
Highly recommend these folks
https://www.scancafe.com/
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Thanks for the link.
skylersparadise@reddit
I don’t know if I would appreciate my kid going through my “junk” and deciding what I should keep while I am still living and enjoying my junk
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Well, when your parents decide to move on with you, and you have limited space, it’s something they have to face.
It’s not like we’re sneaking around, secretly throwing their precious memories away. They have final say on what stays and what goes. The shipping container we’ve hired to move what they want to keep is for that reason.
Independent-Fan4343@reddit
My father had 35 years of stuff in his pole shed garage. Leftovers from projects, miscellaneous storage. Then the roof collapsed during a snow storm. He recovered his vehicle, boat and toolboxes. The rest was hauled off to the landfill. Was a happy day.
ApatheistHeretic@reddit
I'd love to.... Dad has filled my garage with his crap. The wife and I have even made a plan to prioritize the order on which junk goes first to make the most space quickly.
dzbuilder@reddit
This seems well-intentioned. Unless there are autonomy issues, I hope there’s a conversation going on about this. I’d be livid having someone tell me I must do this or that or the other with my shit to make it convenient for someone else. It just isn’t convenient, ever, to have your shit rifled through in prep for dying. It minimizes the importance of the elder while maximizing the convenience to the younger.
Have the conversation to be certain it’s ok. Our convenience doesn’t trump their comfort in the waning years. Their comfort may very well hinge on the possessions they’ve accrued. People get very possessive.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
They are not in the best of health, and can’t do this work themselves. They understand it needs to be done if they want to move, even though it’s a bit trying on them.
sarcasmrain@reddit
!!!!! This is a very accurate post. !!!!! I spent 5 weeks this spring going thru and cleaning out my dads house. I filled three 30 yard roll-away dumpsters and held an estate sale 3 years full weekends in a row. Dad and his wife wouldn’t let me get rid of anything prior to them having to go into a care center, they also refused to allow a trust and ended up losing their $800k house to Medicaid, what a complete shit show they left for others to clean up. Talk to your parents if you can about downsizing their posessions, get that trust set up.
Bunnawhat13@reddit
My mum died decades ago. I learned this lesson and am cleaning out my own stuff now. Take a picture. Record the story. Move on.
MyriVerse2@reddit
No. It's theirs until they die. Kind of rude to rummage through it.
JackFuckCockBag@reddit
Luckily, my mom got rid of most of her stuff when she went to live with my sister and she has already given us the things she thought we would want. I'm sure there will be some stuff but it won't be more than she has in her bedroom there.
elspotto@reddit
Kinda proud of my stepdad on this. Since my mom passed he has been diligently going through their stuff. When he comes to visit he brings boxes of things he isn’t sure about. Of course I’ll take them. They end up 95% trash/recycle, but that’s ok.
tangledweebledwevs@reddit
That's awesome! Its so easy to see someone else's stuff as crap, but to be willing to see your own stuff objectively is harder, especially after someone has passed. Good for him and good for you helping. :)
elspotto@reddit
As is to be expected, he slipped into a bit of a funk recognizing his own mortality. So do we when parents pass. Took him a while but he set his mind to it and has now worked through all her arts and crafts stuff, her resources for her masters degree and the work she had done for the diocese, and her clothes. He has already told me there are some boxes of memorabilia from her life before they met in 1990 that are coming with him for Thanksgiving. I am sure there are a bunch of old photos of me in there, so I’m looking forward to that.
Whatever we can get done now is less stuff I will be responsible for when his time comes.
tangledweebledwevs@reddit
Wow! That will definitely make this part easier for you at some point. And that he cares enough about your mom to take care of her belongings, and cares enough about you to make an effort to alleviate that burden says a lot.
Have a great Thanksgiving!
penileimplant10@reddit
Mine are doing it themselves. Had a huge garage sale last year and everything that didn't sell went to charity (they came and picked it up). So glad my parents aren't horders.
smythe70@reddit
I'm so thankful that my parents did this for themselves. Sadly I lost my Mom a few months ago but it's much easier to deal with when I had only some clothes and jewelry.
discussatron@reddit
My father-in-law has lived in his house for 60+ years. He moved next door (shacking up with his neighbor) and asked us to move in to the old place this summer, and we agreed to.
When we arrived we discovered he'd moved/gotten rid of nothing. He doesn't want to get rid of anything because 30-40-50 years ago he paid hard-earned money for that thing, and it's still good, or it was my wife's (now deceased) mother's stuff so we can never get rid of it. The place was filled to overflowing with his stuff before we showed up with our stuff.
Two massive junk hauler trailer loads full of trash later, we've got the next load ready to go. There have been dozens of trips to Goodwill with more to come. Every couple of days he comes over looking for this thing or that thing and my wife has to remind him that it's stored in the closets we can't use that are filled with his stuff, or that he already took it next door, or that Goodwill thanks him for his generosity, or that we have no idea where it is.
wheelsonhell@reddit
Lost my single father Friday. I'm headed to his house today to start going through stuff. It is not a task I'm looking forward to.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
So sorry for your loss. I hope you have some other family members to be with at this time.
TatlinsTower@reddit
I’m so sorry about your father :( Is there anyone who can go with you to help? I’ve helped several friends with this and was grateful I was able to be with them during that time and have something actually useful to do in the aftermath to help them process their grief.
wheelsonhell@reddit
Thank you. I have my wife and two grown children with me.
TatlinsTower@reddit
I’m glad. I hope it brings some closure and memories of the good times with him.
ItzAlwayz420@reddit
As a parent, we’d rather have a gift of your time rather than some trinket.
Good advice.
Also, when YOU move out, take all your shit with you.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I’m out. I live in another country. But I spent a lot of time throwing away or sorting all my old things that were still in their house.
SeptemberSeahorse@reddit
My mother lives in a huge RV caravan that is permanently parked at a campground where she pays weekly rent. It is filled with clothes that she'll never wear, kitchen items she never uses, she has built on a wooden deck that will have to be dismantled and disposed of, she has a small garden shed filled with crap that will also have to be dismantled and disposed of.
She has oodles of family photos, trinkets etc and it's all up to my sister and I to clear everything out then sell the caravan, BUT in the meantime we have to keep paying the weekly rent for as long as the van sits there.
My mother is sick. She's an alcoholic with COPD and advanced heart disease caused by alcohol yet she won't start the process of dealing with her stuff and it pisses me off.
My sister and I don't even live in the same city as our mother so it would be so much easier if she would declutter, dismantle etc BEFORE she dies.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
My older sister and I line in completely different countries from my parents. So We had a limited amount of time to help straighten things out.
Vallden@reddit
Some advice to add about pictures, go through them with your parents, and figure out who is who and why they are in the picture. After my parents died, we found a bunch of pictures of people whom we did not know. Now we have a bunch of pictures in a box lost to time.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Yes. If you care about your family history, this is very important.
legumex3@reddit
My mother is intentionally adding to her junk and prevented us from handling things at my grandparents' after my grandfather passed soooo, I'm essentially wiping my hands of it all. I can't deal with it, mentally or physically. I have too much of my own stuff and was already given family photos for my family and my grandparents'. My husband's parents have already given us their family photos too so now I have thousands of photos to deal with before I die. Good times.
That aside, my own stuff is a lot and a good bit of it was stuff that had some sentimental hold on me but I actually asked my kids if any of it had value to them. If the answer was no, out it went. It hurt, I cried, but the last thing I want to do to them is leave them overwhelmed, hurt, and possibly angry when their father and I kick off. I want them to sit around a table with their families and laugh as they make fun of us and each other. Since my kids are only 21, 14, and 11 I hope there's many more years before that happens.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
My mom doesn’t collect things anymore, but there were several years there when she’d get one or two QVC packages in the mail when few days. Things that sometimes stayed in the boxes forever. So glad she got over that compulsion.
Fine_Comparison9812@reddit
Let all the kids pick out a little something that bonded them, and close your eyes and sell or donate the rest (of course other than their personal items they still use).
Eets_Chowdah@reddit
I'm going to have a 20x40 foot building crammed with decades worth of stuff to figure out what to do with at some point. Every time my daughter and I come to visit, my dad has to show me all the new stuff he found at some farm sale he went to. All I can think is that I'm going to be either throwing it away or putting it on their sale eventually. I have suggested time and again that some of that stuff has not been unpacked in 30+ years, and I'm always met with "I might need it someday"
bac3218@reddit
We just moved my parents to a smaller single level home auctioned most of their stuff. It was their choice to move and get into something easier to maintain and move around in. It was still tough for them to get rid of some of the stuff even though they knew it would not fit in the much smaller house. It’s been almost 6 months and I don’t think they regret it.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I think that’s the main thing. In the moment, it’s so hard to get rid of something you’ve had for a long time. But a few months later, you realize you don’t really miss it at all.
ezgomer@reddit
my mom went from a 2600 sq ft house to a 1500 sq ft house so she reduced quite a bit, but there are still things like her china cabinet and a grandfather clock that I can’t imagine keeping but I can’t get rid of either. These two things are representative of my mom and dad. I want to keep all the photo albums as digital is not always and forever.
I am not a hoarder in any way. My own house is sparse. But I am emotionally connected to some of her things. I’ll figure out someway to incorporate them into my style.
runnergirl3333@reddit
I did this with a couple pieces of my parents furniture, and every time I see it it makes me happy.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I honestly do love looking at actual photo albums. But space is a huge issue.
invisible-dave@reddit
My mom has already been cleaning their place after seeing the nightmare of a mess one of her brothers left behind for his kids after he psased away.
Lady-Un-Luck@reddit
When my dad passed away he had tons of stuff. I put everything that my brother and I didn't want on the driveway and posted it on Facebook marketplace for free. I'm talking even half filled bottles of shampoo and, half filled bottles of cleaning products, along with funiture and clothes, everything. It all went. Everything was taken by someone. We have enough crap in our landfills we don't need to throw everything in the trash anymore. Someone out there will take it.
As far as pictures go, I didn't throw those out either. I found thousands of pictures and it took a lot of time but I separated them all by who was in them and mailed them out. Sent pictures to cousins, aunts, and uncles, etc. They all were so happy and surprised to see these old memories, they were all grateful. It doesn't all need to go in the trash. Someone will take it if you try.
runnergirl3333@reddit
We did a similar thing, putting so much stuff in the front yard with a free sign. I’m pretty sure everyone in my parents’ town now owns something from my mom‘s kitchen!
Common_Alfalfa_3670@reddit
Fortunately my parents are British WW2 babies and immediately get rid of "impractical" things. They do have 1 cabinet of some keepsakes and 2 boxes. They moved themselves into a retirement home 2 bedroom apartment years ago and ruthlessly got rid of most of the rest of their stuff when they moved themselves into a "cheaper" lower quality retirement home. It's a bit unnerving in a way. My mom has never owned a blender, egg whisk, or a toaster oven because they are not "necessary".
JaneFairfaxCult@reddit
My mom died unexpectedly in June. July and August is a blur of emptying drawers and sorting, shredding, donating, trashing. To say nothing of all the furniture. And we’re not done. I’ve gotten religion on this topic - no way I’m doing this to my kids.
tryitweird@reddit
I’m trying to do some of this now. My brother lives with my mom and doesn’t work. He’s territorial so I have to manage him while convincing her.
I did toss a rug that’s been in the garage yesterday, I didn’t even mention it to either of them. Just junk. I could spend the next two months of weekends over there decluttering and cleaning, yard stuff that my bro can’t do. The basement is a wreck and has old stuff that just needs to go.
WeirdRip2834@reddit
My father starts to wail when I do much sorting. Usually it’s defensive or fearful. So I am going slowly but deliberately. I can’t manage all this stuff!! Agh!!
ClassicOutrageous447@reddit
Could not agree more. I tried to declutter, toss and goodwill items at my parents' house over the years. They had good intentions but not the physical stamina to do it for themselves. In the end, I had to empty out the house that they had lived in for 45 years when my dad died and my mom moved to a nursing home. It is a daunting task no matter what, but is extra hard when you are grieving the loss of a parent. I will not make the same mistake and leave a house full of stuff for my kids to deal with when I am gone.
Bruno6368@reddit
My mom is doing that on her own thank god. I also have her a book called “The Swedish Art of Death Cleaning”, which is really good.
brownedbits@reddit
I’m planning to put up a “Looting Allowed” sign when my mom dies.
Karen125@reddit
My mom recently moved in with me 900 miles away. She hired an estate sale company who sold everything in her house and they hired cleaners. The house sold before the listing date to a couple who had come to the sale.
exitpursuedbybear@reddit
But all those hummels are worth millions!
vulke12@reddit
and those Precious Moments statues!
AnnotatedLion@reddit
From recent experience... OMG yes this advice is key!
Past-Direction9145@reddit
I'd care but my parents hated that I was gay 27 years ago and aint nothing changed since then
so they can gather as much stuff as they want. if it's up to me I'll bring a dumpster and push it all in.
JoeMillersHat@reddit
That, or set fire ¯_(•-•)_/¯ the place.
Downtown_Confusion46@reddit
My mom used to be a social worker for the elderly and has also helped many relatives in their end years… she’s had to do a lot of house clean outs and she and my dad don’t want us burdened with that so they’re trying hard to keep minimal! Thanks, parents!
The_I_in_IT@reddit
There was no way in hell my mother would have ever let me touch a thing in their home while she was alive-and then she and my father died within a year of each other.
Thankfully, they weren’t hoarders but did live in the same home for 40 years, so they had a fair amount of stuff. I picked through the important things, and resisted keeping some large things to avoid cluttering my own home.
I called a clean-out company and 8 hours and $800 later, the place was completely empty. It was really hard to watch their entire life get thrown into dumpsters and tossed out, but I knew that I couldn’t have done it myself.
taynt3d@reddit
This is my plan exactly when my dad dies.
Raisedbypsycopaths@reddit
That's the way to do it.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Pull that bandaid off. They have some really cool things, but I have nowhere to put them.
PlasticPanda4429@reddit
I dealt with two hoarder parent clean outs. It's exhausting from every angle. I know I threw away important documents bc I was in such a blind rage at one point. It's awful our parents put this burden on their children.
Solidarity for those who have obstinate parents. I love reading the posts with those parents that take this head on. If I could go back, I would have called an estate sale company. Definitely keep the old pictures though.
somewhatdim-witted@reddit
My mother throws a fit if we even try to go through anything. It’s astonishing that an old lady can go from 0t o 9 on the anger scale in one second. I don’t know what to do. We have just become resigned that it’s going to be hell for us to weed through all her shit. I know this sounds insensitive but there is a whole bedroom full of Christmas decor and clothes she hasn’t worn in years, for example. It’s a fire hazard.
typhoidmarry@reddit
Swedish Death cleaning.
Mountain_Resource292@reddit
Gen X Euro oldies can perhaps be a bit of a special case... Growing up in post-war Europe has made it hard for many to part with things and ESPECIALLY UPSETTING to throw things away. So I'm not going to worry too much about it until I need to, as there's no point in spoiling time we have together. It all makes little difference in the long run.
kalelopaka@reddit
True that, I took over my dad’s house after he died and I actually filled a 20 yard dumpster with all the stuff that he had squirreled away in the house and garage. I still have to clear out the attic.
Coffey2828@reddit
When my childless uncle passed, the cousins and I had to clean his mess. It was a lot. We all went home and started cleaning up our mess but the parents mostly refused. My dad straight out got mad and said I’m not dead yet, don’t touch my stuff. Every time I mention getting rid of anything in my parent’s house, it’s a huge fight.
WeezieDee@reddit
I came to find this. What if your parents flat out refuse and shut down at the mere mention of going through their stuff? I would love nothing more to help my dad go through an entire farmstead of stuff from generations. Some people just lord over their hoard like treasure until they die. I don't get it.
Coffey2828@reddit
My parents have moved 3 times in my lifetime. Each time my dad has moved his junk from one house to the next. I tried to get them to downsize to a smaller house but we couldn’t just because he wouldn’t get rid of his stuff.
Josiepaws105@reddit
That’s where I am with my parents. Sigh….
doobette@reddit
Couldn't agree more.
After my dad passed away in 2017, my mom knew she needed to begin the process of downsizing so much of what they had accumulated in 39 years together in my childhood home. Sadly, though, some things that had been sitting up in their walk-up attic were items that had some sentimental value to my half-siblings (our dad was our shared parent) - and my mom (their stepmom) had much of what was up there cleaned out by a junk removal company. I felt terrible because I had no idea about the items.
The house sold, and my mom downsized to a detached condo in a 62+ community in 2019. She passed away almost two years ago now.
melkorwasframed@reddit
Consider yourself lucky if they actually consider thinning out their junk. We are going through this right now with my in-laws. The amount of stuff they have accumulated (think of a walk-up attic full of junk and a large garage with a loft completely full) is nuts. We've begrudgingly helped them move it several times. We've made it abundantly clear for years that we do not want, and will not keep 99% of it, but they still won't deal with it, and when they try to chip away at it they do so by trying to get us to take stuff.
KitchenWitch021@reddit
I just dealt with clearing out a house and a little at a time is easier than doing it in a month.
My ex husband passed and due to his poor planning etc. we had to sell his house. The house I lived in for 15 years until the marriage broke up. It was hard, I couldn’t keep it. I had no idea the man kept everything he ever owned in his whole lifetime. Plus a bunch of his parents stuff when they passed. I knew some of it was stored but I thought he would have gone through it by then.
Nope, elementary,high school and college papers and shit all saved in boxes. I found love letters from his college girlfriend in a small box. He graduated college in 1980. Stacks and stacks of papers going back to the beginning of our marriage, old utility bills etc. Outside in the shed were about 6 boxes of empty beer cans from the 70’s/80’s and boxes of sticks. What the fuck.
We found huge totes of busted, outdated electronics and frayed cords. Why???
My parents have a lot of stuff but nothing like what the ex left us with. Mom is doing good clearing out now after seeing what we went through. Quit saving shit because “you might it later.” You won’t need it, ever.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
We found the old baby crib we slept in. Why did they still have it? 40 years later!?
PlasticPanda4429@reddit
Omg I found my baby crib and mattress in the back of the attic.
Kylearean@reddit
My wife has stored the baby crib from when my kids were babies, "just in case". There's also a shit ton of sentimental value for baby things around here. I love babies, but also realize they grow up.
Fandango4Ever@reddit
Definitely a hoarder. Sucks you had to clean it up...hopefully you got some decent money for your efforts and time.
KitchenWitch021@reddit
Unfortunately he passed without a will, so much money was lost due to attorney/court costs and his debts were outrageous. I had no idea. The probate process sucks, so get those wills made out GenX!
Missus_Aitch_99@reddit
I’m the old parent and have become so maniacal about clutter and minimizing that my family teases me about it. But they’ll thank me when they meet at my place a week after my funeral and there’s not enough to fill the dumpster.
matahari3274@reddit
I so agree with this, not that my parents would have allowed that. My mom died a few years ago and my dad died earlier this year so my sister and I are dealing with this now. We’re taking what we want or are able to take and then having an estate sale. It’s tough, though. I wish they would have allowed us to do some of this when they were alive.
UnicornFarts1111@reddit
My sister is doing this now, so her kids don't have to. She is going through stuff and analyzing if she thinks someone may want it (she gives it to them then!) or if it should just be thrown away!
I need to start doing this as well, as I don't have kids and nobody wants my old junk when I die! They probably will want the funds from the house when it gets sold though, lol.
Trixielarue2020@reddit
I actually just spent the weekend decluttering my in-laws’ home. Thankfully they are receptive to this process. It could have been much worse.
StrainAcceptable@reddit
My grandmother left masking tape with short descriptions like dates and details for sentimental items or collectible that might look like junk. She collected antiques, books and art. I used to enjoy wandering around her house snooping the notes and she’d give me more details. Unfortunately my aunts and uncles were the ones who handled the estate. They were not very sentimental and I wasn’t allowed to be part of the process. I’m still really hurt by how her things were handled. To those of you with siblings, if there are weird sentimental items that no one else will want, that are just being stored, sometimes it’s good to say something while your loved ones are still alive. Obviously you don’t want someone to feel like you are pillaging their things but it’s ok to mention how much you love something and the specific meaning it has to you- if the appropriate time arises. My husband was very close with his grandmother, as I was, and she was so excited to give us things while she was alive. The heirlooms she gave us specifically hold an extra special place in my heart because I know they were things she wanted us to have.
SilkyOatmeal@reddit
Great advice. Also a good idea to start decluttering your own stuff. Arrange for a donation pickup, purge your house, and write it off on your taxes.
The older you get, the less able you will be to deal with piles of unnecessary things.
ShylieF@reddit
Nope. My mom's 84 and still lives in the family home. Her older brother began removing things from my grandfather's home while he still lived there without permission, snd it's caused huge battles. They still live there, and deserve the respect of their things stayingvl around them. Ask, maybe, if there's a good time for them to go through and see what can be donated, make a listbof what they want to leave to whom.
Avasia1717@reddit
when my mom died my dad donated her clothes immediately, then gradually got rid of the various cooking gadgets as he figured out what he actually needed. he LOVES throwing things away.
then he threw or gave away the old flower pots and various lawn ornaments, then some of the junk in the shed. he’s done half the work for me already.
every time i visit he lets me take a few things i want to preserve, so it’s less to think about later when it’s time to get rid of everything. i got most of the photo albums, a few nostalgic decorations and mementos, and some of his tools. it’s pretty awesome.
MalsPrettyBonnet@reddit
And it's not just the parents, either. If you have aunties and uncles for whom you will be ultimately responsible, go ahead and start the talk.
exscapegoat@reddit
I started decluttering my own apartment partially for this and I’m enjoying the extra room and being able to find things when I need or want them.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Right.
PsychoticSpinster@reddit
Do an estate sale. Pull out what you want to keep and store it out of that house. Call an estate buyer or firm and tell them everything left inside the house is for sale.
They will come, they will buy, use the money made from the sale to pay someone else to clear the rest of the junk. Keep whatever money is left over for whatever.
I’ve done this twice now. You’d be amazed what those estate buyers will actually buy. I also recommend having some of it appraised before the sale, so you don’t get ripped off Should there be anything there of real value that you don’t want.
lopix@reddit
Hah. Good luck. My stepmother is a small-time hoarder. They recently moved from a house to a condo. AND SHE BROUGHT EVERYTHING. She has boxes of work stuff from the job she retired from decades ago. She has takeout menus from the old neighbourhood - IN A DIFFERENT CITY - from the 90s. A manual from a 70s TV that they no longer own.
They asked me to help organize their 2 lockers. I said only if I was allowed to throw out the obvious junk (such as the above menus and manual) and make a pile for them to go through and decide on. I offered to take the massive pile of surplus bedding that hasn't been used since they moved a few years ago.
Now they don't want to organize the lockers any more.
Whatever. I am just biding my time, I'll get to throw out EVERYTHING when they die.
P.S. I am not a bad person, just tired of the junk that they won't get rid of.
Nickey_Pacific@reddit
60+ years of "stuff" inside my parents house. They're fond of antique shops. Lots of little things that could be worth something. Their 3 children know nothing about these things...
It will be a tedious task that will take us months to complete 😭
There is zero chance that they would agree to downsizing. I absolutely dread the day.
macaroni66@reddit
That my brother's problem
Ok_Television9820@reddit
I spent a week last year doing my dad’s art studio and dad/stepmom’s basement. It was Herculean.
kobuta99@reddit
My parents downsized into an apartment and that helped a bit. I moved into the old house, but they did leave some stuff here that they swore they would come back and use on occasion (almost never ..).
But it was still a chore to clean out their apartment, and then dig through what was left in my house in the attic and basement. I'm slowly trying to still go through that, and also paring down my own stuff that I have kicking around
Kylearean@reddit
My parents are cleaning their own shit. My grandparents did the same before they passed.
I will do the same for my kids.
Malapple@reddit
Clean out your own junk, too.
We're of an age where it could come at any time.
I have several hobbies that my partner does not share and she'd have no idea what to do with the stuff. A close friend died at 40 a few years ago and his widow basically gave away thousands of dollars worth of stuff because she didn't know what to do with it.
There was a huge amount of items from shared hobbies, so I had her hop in his Gmail and find the invoices and paid her the same amount for anything where he and I overlapped hobbies... in some ways, adding to my own "stuff I don't really need". I plan on whittling down (no pun intended, since woodworking is one of the hobbies) to just the things I actually need/use.
This is extra important if you are into firearms or any permit-based hobby. I gunsmith/target shoot and all that stuff is going to be in limbo if anything happens to me. No family nearby to take it over.
nadine258@reddit
my parents started to clean out their house in their late 50s and my in laws have been slowly getting rid of stuff in their basement. i recently ordered then nok boxes (next of kin) when each of them said how much paper work they’ve been holding onto. it also helps them get organized and so everything is in one place for nok to find. also get them to put passwords somewhere and legibly. my dad had emergency surgery last year and my mom couldn’t figure out his passwords to an account…he had a little notebook where he didn’t scratch anything out, there were little pieces of paper stuck in the book some said to which account others not so much…we just picked one that seemed to fingers crossed worked and it did.
donakvara@reddit
I am currently in the bind of having to refuse "gifts" of old stuff from the in-laws and my own father. If I don't want my own parents' wedding china, why the f does MIL think I want her mother's?! Then there's the pressure to accept boxes of LPs from the 70s; it's all AOR/singer-songwriter stuff yet always described as "probably very rare." Like, you think you're the only one who bought that Todd Rundgren platter?
It doesn't count as cleaning or minimizing if you're just foisting stuff onto other people.
makeitfunky1@reddit
Never mind the parents, I'm older GenX and we've lived in our house almost 20 years and I already feel the need to start throwing away/donating our own stuff. I stopped buying stuff years ago (I've reacquainted myself with the library instead of buying books for example). It mildly stresses me out now. I guess I'm getting old! I remember my mom starting to give stuff away to us when she was about my age. I guess I'm at that stage now too.
WideRight43@reddit
My mil has no concept of what is nice, isn’t nice, has value, is total garbage. Whole house is nothing but garbage. I don’t know how you could live 75 years and not know what’s nice.
ContributionDry2252@reddit
Sorta scary, as we've been living here for 30+ years already, and my parents at their place for 50.... I wish I could throw away their old encyclopedias from the seventies, to begin with.
worrymon@reddit
My parents threw away everything in their garage a couple of years ago.
"We don't want you and your sister to have to sort through this junk to figure out what's worth keeping. None of it is."
ThePicassoGiraffe@reddit
Instead of throwing the print photos out, you can do what we’re doing, send them in a shoebox like a chain letter to everyone in the family. Pull the ones you want, send box to next person on the list. Then when it gets back to us we’ll toss the remainder
ThePicassoGiraffe@reddit
My dad died last year and my mom has been on a minimizing streak ever since. Sometimes she calls me and asks for advice
butterscotch-magic@reddit
That’s good advice for our own things, too. I had a small nervous breakdown when my ex-husband died and all of his stuff was unceremoniously dumped in my driveway by his then-girlfriend (we have kids, he had no responsible family to handle his affairs).
I realized how little material items mean in that moment, and when I purged his stuff, I purged a lot of my own things, as well.
USAF_Retired2017@reddit
This is why I appreciate the fact that my mother had an organized hoarder for a mother. When she and my aunt and uncle (and us kids, I was 12) cleaned out my grandparents house where they had lived for almost 55 years of marriage, it was a fucking nightmare. We didn’t live in the same state and had to extend our Christmas vacation (thanks for dying on Christmas Eve Grandma!!) to help out. My mother is (and I am as well) a constant purger. Twice a year we go through our things and just get rid of crap. We ask for things like home improvement, grocery or restaurant gift cards and such for fixing up our houses, eating out and offsetting grocery bills instead of physical gifts that we will get rid of. My dad is a minimalist as well. He wants golf gift cards and that’s it. My sister and I will have a minimal time clearing out their homes when the time comes. This is a very good PSA though not just to those of us with aging parents, but to consider our lives for when our children or siblings have to clean out our homes one day.
rumblepony247@reddit
Thankfully my father is rather minimalist. I'm even moreso, it's such a great feeling. I live alone and could fit everything in my house into a 10' box truck.
I was telling my sister about my plans to retire to a much smaller town a couple hours away (I'm tired of the huge metro area I've lived in for decades). She said, "We (her and hubs) would love to do something like that, but there's just too much stuff in our house to move." I just can't imagine not moving to where you want because of a bunch of furniture and miscellaneous crap.
GuyD427@reddit
My kid would probably just throw all my shit out. So, I’m beating him to it!
OutspokenCatLady@reddit
It's not junk
Full-Steam@reddit
When my in-laws moved a few years back to a smaller home they had an obscene amount of stuff so they had a yard sale. The problem was everything was priced so high nobody was buying anything even though a lot of people kept showing up. Nobody is going to buy a broken VCR or dirty dish towel. Eventually my in-laws decided to leave for lunch and left my wife and I in charge to sell as much as we could. My wife and I just started giving the stuff away. I invited people in the house to just take what they wanted (all the important stuff had already been moved). My in-laws were shocked at how much we got rid of. They made about $7.50. Lol, zero regrets.
NormaRae75@reddit
I have had a conversation with my mother about the need to start going through closets to purge & organize. She knows the why because my parents & I have very unfiltered conversations all the time about mortality & other subjects that are uncomfortable but necessary.
Recently we discussed this in further detail after I watched an episode of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning on Netflix. My Dad has already cleaned out the outside storage areas. It’s my Mom & her collection of various items that is the challenge. She’s coming around. I am a rip the band-aid type of gal, it’s a lesson in patience for sure.
I’ll be the primary on helping my parents with whatever comes up as they are getting older. It’s already happening & some days I have a hard time because it’s a reminder of how short life is. They are very independent & stay active. Both of them are still working but hopefully will be able to retire in the couple of years.
My 3 kids are adults. They know when the time comes & if they live nearby that they will be looked to help their grandparents as needed.
My husband & I are being proactive now to lessen the load so to speak on our kids. We do not want them to have to deal with our personal crap basically & trying our best to exceed our goal.
My husband has serious health issues. We have already purged a lot of our belongings & only have our basic necessities & stuff that has sentimental value. Memento mori, we our savoring our time & know how quickly one of us could be gone.
My profession also exposed me at a very young age what a shit show it is for people that have no estate planning, live in a property for several decades or are hoarders. My parents know they have me to help them & honestly I am happy that I am around. Our relationship has been a roller coaster over the years. I am thankful we landed in a good place at this stage in our lives.
I live in a snow bird community. A lot of second homes to flock to in those cold winter months with even more stuff for their family or personal representative to deal with. I always admired those that faced mortality head on while they were of sound mind & body.
Dogzillas_Mom@reddit
Their junk?
Ima start on MINE.
Electronic_Source_31@reddit
Oh! I've actually started clearing out mine after dealing with my Dad last year, it really got me thinking about the stuff I keep that my kids would just throw away... lol!
IndependentMethod312@reddit
Oof. Don’t throw away the printed photos. You will never look at the digitized versions but you will definitely want the photos. Those are the only things we kept after my grandparents passed and once my parents downsized.
No one needs china cabinets anymore or weird hutches and sideboards but everyone likes looking at old photos.
birdinahouse1@reddit
A great person once said to me.. There’s a reason they don’t put luggage racks on hearses, because yuh can’t take it with yuh.
wolves_hunt_in_packs@reddit
When our parents finally kick it, we (my younger brother and I) will both be living here as it's better financially to rent out our places. Which means we hopefully have plenty of time to slowly get rid of stuff.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
The ideal situation.
Perfecshionism@reddit
I have tried a dozen times.
My mom refuses to let it happen. She doesn’t want to deal with any of it.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Just make a mental note of things you’d like to keep when the time comes. Then hire a removal company and get rid of all the rest.
Lakerdog1970@reddit
I just plan to set fire to their home. One on my siblings really wants that house…so I’ll let them deal with it.
Staple_Crop@reddit
I sold my father's house with everything left in it that my nephew didn't steal or destroy. Just let that shit go. It's only stuff.
cvaldez74@reddit
That’s what my husband did with his grandparents house. Dealing with all of the stuff left behind was part of the deal with the sale.
Ageofaquarius68@reddit
Yes have been doing this for a little while now. When my mom's mother died, then my dad's, they inherited all that junk. My dad passed this year but I've been trying to sloooowly help my mom go through things and downsize.
Fireside0222@reddit
My parents had a heck of a time cleaning out their parents’ houses so they started doing theirs for us a few years ago. They said they were not going to make us do what they had to do. Very appreciative. Based on family history, I probably have 10ish good years left with them. I’m not mentally ready for that, but I guess no one ever is! 🫤
ku_78@reddit
I’ve had to clean out one house like that mostly on my own. Then discovered too late the estate sale route. On the 2nd house I had to go through years of paperwork and all the possessions. Put anything worth keeping in one room and told the relatives to have at it. Anything not claiming went to the estate sale.
On my 3rd house right now. He was a bit of a hoarder but a good 50% has some sort of value - ex: 7-8 Kennedy toolboxes, a dozen vintage coats each going for around $100. Once we pull out those types of things, the rest are going in the estate sale. The sellers will clean out the rest.
SpazDeSpencer@reddit
Cleaning out my mom’s house was so difficult after she died. We had to make black and white decisions about what to keep and who gets what when we should have been focused on grieving. That said, a couple of my sisters used to take furniture, photos, etc whenever they visited her so there was less stuff for others when mom died. Make sure everyone is on the same page with that. And make sure you ask your parents who those people in the photos are. We threw out a lot of pictures because we didn’t know.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Definitely asking about photos. There are so many stories I still want to know.
SpazDeSpencer@reddit
That’s a great way to jog their memory and to reconnect with them while you still can.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Another tip I have is turning on your phone recorder before asking them about the past. It’s so easy to just let what they say slip past. I’m glad I’ve been recording some of our conversations, especially about family lines and all.
SpazDeSpencer@reddit
I love that. It’s good to get that info on record rather than just relying on your own memory. I saved the last voice message my mom left me and listened to it over and over again.
2Dogs3Tents@reddit
The Swedish do this thing called "Death Cleaning" before they get too old so their kids don;t have to be burdened wit the chore and the emotion of it. I'm into leaving this world owning nothing as well.
Expat111@reddit
My wife and I have already filled up one large dumpster to clean out the in-laws basement. It didn’t make a dent.
Anybody here interested in every license plate they’ve ever had?, how about every TV they’ve owned since the 80s? How about miles of damaged electrical cords and damaged extension cords? Insurance and banking records back to whenever?
LeighofMar@reddit
Yes thankfully my mom has had the epiphany that she doesn't want any more things as they too have a 5 bedroom house filled with stuff. She likes knock-knacks and wall decor which there's nothing wrong with but in the end I told her I'm not going to be in the frame of mind to deal with people who are trying to negotiate down to 5.00 from the 7.00 price on their Disney snow globes at the garage sale. Nor do I want to be there for months on end sorting and clearing, selling and donating.
Feeling-Ad-2490@reddit
My dad isn't a hoarder but holy shit he clings to the past. Boxes and boxes of shit you'd never use again. My question is how do you explain this without triggering their suspicion or it getting weird?
"I'm getting rid of all this shit because you'll be dead soon and I'd like this place to be clean"
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
If I had done it earlier, I would have just offered to unclutter their house (but I’d probably have gotten the same response you’re expecting).
Serious_Escape_5438@reddit
You can offer but they don't have to say yes. I suspect most won't.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Even though they’re moving, I can see that both of my parents feel a little like they have no control over their kids throwing all their memories away, which makes me feel a bit sad, even though we’re 100% asking whether they want to keep things or not.
Upstairs-Storm1006@reddit
I've spent many weekends over the years hauling useless crap out of my parent's basement & garage. They've been in their house since 1975 and have accumulated sooooo much junk.
They're now applying to retirement communities and I'm so glad I got the head start on cleaning shit out. I
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Smart thinking, dude.
monstermack1977@reddit
If your parents were pack rats this is a must. We've done 2 separate days in the last few years and each time filled a 40 yard dumpster .
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Being able to rent a dumpster is such a great thing.
theghostofcslewis@reddit
I put a free curb alert on Craigslist and handed stuff out the packed shed while I asked bystanders to "rotate please". I made quite an impact but caused trouble with my in-laws (and my wife). I was trying to move them out of our rental they had been in for 8 years because my 2 oldest were moving out and I had kept that place for them (and for our retirement). They didn't know what to do with all the stuff so I found a quick solution. People will take anything free.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Great idea.
MissMurderpants@reddit
Been there. Emptied the house. Now instead of giving stuff or food my siblings and I spend time with the parents. Good quality time. Maybe it’s just chatting with them. Maybe it’s taking mom out for a drive to get an overpriced coffee drink.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Lovely idea. Unfortunately, I live on the other side of the world from my parents.
MissMurderpants@reddit
How often do you call? If I can’t see my folks I try to call them.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I call them at least once a week.
NicInNS@reddit
Oh we had to do that when my in laws sold their house and moved into seniors apts. We had to bring a small dumpster in and filled it. I had a “free” yard sale where I just put stuff out in the yard for people to take. I sold a bunch of their stuff (and cleaned out even more when my mother in law had to go into a nursing home) And we still have some of their things in our house 11 years later. (They’ve both since passed.)
Thank god my mother is an anti-hoarder - she barely keeps anything, and lives in a small apartment, so she doesn’t even have room for much.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
Yeah, we filled a dumpster as well, and it still looks like we haven’t done anything.
NicInNS@reddit
The things my in laws kept - my father in law apparently never had a piece of carpet he didn’t want to keep as a mat. They had an old clothes hamper half full of plastic grocery bags. 😭 they were on the “older” side - didn’t have their son (only kid) until their mid-30s, which was “late” back in the 60s.
Now, we didn’t have kids and if we both kick the bucket at the same time, whoever has the task of cleaning out our house is gonna curse us to hell. I’m working on my husband though - he’s worse than I am, but (we both are) gradually filtering excess things out.
DueWealth345@reddit
I wish I had sooner.
Thomisawesome@reddit (OP)
I think we all do.