This is really stupid and really, really long…but I just need a crying shoulder from people my age
Posted by adrianhalo@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 108 comments
I’m so embarrassed to be upset/pissed by this…for context, I have AuDHD, the Au part being self-diagnosed and recent and totally not ausome at all. Ha. I’m also trans, so that’s basically a third reason for people to shit all over me and downvote me to hell lmao. Anyway.
I’m having a hell of a time in my life lately. I’m 42 and I’ve been really struggling with aging and feeling like all of a sudden it’s too late for me to be successful with a career or find a partner when I decide I might want that again (had some bad experiences) and I’m sad and angry at how I lived for so long, and began aging as, the gender I am not-I didn’t transition until 34 and it was a major setback for me. It hasn’t been easy at all. I’ve very rarely felt euphoria about it. It’s mostly just been socially awkward and expensive. I mostly still don’t actually care about my gender, I just happen to run better on testosterone than estrogen.
I’m burned out on my job, I’ve been feeling way “behind” people my age yet I hardly have any younger friends (and it’s starting to suck to have older friends because they’re depressing and sound like grumpy old boomers), and I just don’t feel like I have…support, community I guess.
I feel like I’m out of sync with my interests and priorities compared to my peers, and like I’ve had so many false starts with life, careers and relationships and all that.
One of the things I used to be really into was DIY piercings back in the late 90s/early 00s days. To the point where I could’ve probably apprenticed at a shop and become a piercer. So recently, I redid a couple of ear piercings. And I was delighted to find a Reddit sub dedicated entirely to self-piercings.
So after a shitty day at work, I thought, “well cool, I can at least nerd out over this thing that used to be a pretty big part of my identity that I am proud to know so much about, and maybe meet some cool people online.” How naive of me. So I post my ears and a couple of paragraphs (sorry) excitedly rattling off all the piercings I used to have and the ones I liked most, and offering to share my knowledge since I have been putting holes in my face for 30 years.
And immediately, I’m downvoted to zero and someone posts “use a bar! Hoops are gonna irritate them!”
I’ve gotten a staggering amount of ear piercings over the years…and every single time, every shop, they’ve used a captive bead ring. So I was like, uh….?
So I thought, fuck it I’ll message the mod. It’s bullshit than got downvoted for nothing. It’s just stupid and discouraging to have that be the first comment I get. It makes me not want to post there. Which happens a lot. I have deleted so many posts off Reddit out of being embarrassed and downvoted and reamed in the comments later.
The mod was a total fuckhead about it and muted me from messaging them for 28 days. Meanwhile the sub rules are like “Be KiNd” and it’s like, oh ok. :rolleyes:
I am a grown ass man and absolutely shouldn’t care. I realize this.
But in the context of the rest of my life sucking so much right now, it just really pissed me off and made me feel like shit.. I can’t even remember the last time somebody said “you know what? You’re right, you have a point. I’m sorry.”
It just kinda reinforced this feeling that I’ve aged into this fucking weird stupid dude who everyone thinks is incompetent at everything, who no one listens to, whose opinions, experiences, and feelings don’t matter.
Like, people are just fucking MEAN to me, and yet when I try to dish it back, I’m the one who’s out of line. I feel like whether online or IRL, every fucking thing I say gets criticized by others or misinterpreted, and I’m sick of it.
I am so so sick of people being horrible and shitty to me online especially, when I am a writer and I need this, because I don’t like talking in public anymore. And I am so so sick of people hiding behind the “well the internet is mean, get over it.”
Sure, it used to be…but then what’s with the whole culture of imposing all these rules about being kind and so on? Like, talk the talk…you know?
Anyway. I just feel like shit about everything. Socially I feel like there is no place for me and it’s exhausting and lonely. My job is making me feel sick and really short-fused because I’m so burned out by it and they denied my request to WFH 2-3 days a week.
I’m starting to really get hung up on, what happens to neuro-spicy people as they age and they lose their parents, who were perhaps still helping them financially? Like, fuck…if I don’t pull it together in ten years or so, I’m probably gonna be homeless.
Things have just gotten worse for me…while everyone else my age has left me in the fucking dust to be successful and to like, grow up. I feel so cheated that I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I turned 40. My life could’ve been so much better if I had gotten help sooner.
And now it just seems like it’s too late.
What does this have to do with internet etiquette on some snobby holier than thou Reddit sub? Nothing per se, it’s just another instance of feeling like I don’t even belong in the spaces that used to be community for me. It’s just another instance of wishing people could be nicer to me.
It just sucks. The world just sucks now, and I hate being the age that I am and feeling like it’ll only all get worse and like I don’t matter and will never do anything valuable with my life. Like everything I’ve tried to do is just too little too late, and it’s just made me into this bitter, short-fused adult. And Now That I’m A Man (sort of. I’m pretty genderqueer about it, it’s just easier to say “trans man”) I have to just crush all my feelings down even more, and be alone. I just feel like a fucking loser, like what happened to me?
What do you do if you haven’t “made it” by your 40s…just stop fucking trying? I just feel like nothing I do or say or believe, will ever matter or have any sort of positive impact on anybody. If life is just one long thankless game of constantly defending and explaining myself, what’s the goddamn point?
I’m not depressed, I just feel depressed because of my situation. I can’t find or afford a therapist and it feels like there’s no way out of this phase in my life. Like I’m just gonna keep falling further through the cracks until I get REALLY old, and THEN what?
This is not how I usually view the world. It’s just been a really bad few years. And I just feel kinda lost.
Redrooster549@reddit
I'm 43 years old, I work overseas on Helicopters. My daughter is 26 and still lives at home, had a major setback as her bipolar disorder reared its head a few years ago right as covid came around and shut down the healthcare system, and she was manic for at least a year, breaking windows, trying to make her little brother drink water to drive out the demons, etc.
Anyways she's been doing great the last few years since her medication. Last week she got fired from her job because she didn't make her quota selling phones.
She told me she thought she would "have her shit together" by now, like me.
I had to hold her face and tell her that I don't have my shit together. I'm a fucking wreck inside. I keep it together for her and her brother and my wife, but nobody has their shit together. It's all a front. Everyone is struggling with life. It might be alcohol addiction, weed, pills, porn, gambling, some fucked up thoughts about ending it all, whatever but Everyone has some shit going on that makes them think they are fucked inside.
Getting to a certain age or checkpoint in life doesn't guarantee that anything gets easier. You get tougher. That's it. One day you see someone going through some shit that you already made it through and maybe you can help because you already went through it before. It's a constant cycle and we are all getting sharpened like a knife every day and it fucking hurts every stroke. Life comes in waves of ups and downs and sometimes it feels like its never going to come up again but it will. You made it this far, keep going and wait for the next wave to come up.
Synthea1979@reddit
I'm not sure of the proper/polite phrasing (I do mean to be kind), but do you have female internal parts? Like working ovaries? Because if your body is going through perimenopause it is pure hell with ADHD. I think even bodies with testicles go through it, or something like it though too. Please be kind to yourself, you've got many good years ahead of you. Its never too late and we're never to old to find ourselves.
howaboutwow@reddit
Not OP but so glad to see validation of perimenopause symptoms - how is it so common yet no one warns us about it…
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Dude for real, it terrifies me and also makes me feel like maybe I hit that phase just prior to starting T and it made it all so much worse for me. It’s not even a matter of gender after a point for me; it’s just like, I don’t need any other complications, you know? Regardless of the parts. It’s absolutely a relief that it’s finally being discussed.
External-Praline-451@reddit
I am dealing with perimenopause and it has been hellish ride, especially trying HRT and needing to tweak that. Hormones really can make us feel loopy, especially when they're bouncing around, like in peri. The r/menopause sub is super supportive and has lots of info on their wiki.
Just wanted to send you a hug. You're not alone in feeling like the world has got meaner. I feel it constantly. But there are still some good people out there. We can't let the bastards grind us down. 💪
pizza5001@reddit
Hey, I’ve been in Peri for 2 years. What was the issue that made you want HRT? I’m stuck on whether or not I should try it. I’ve opted not to cuz I don’t want to take anything I don’t understand, and I’m a smoker. Would you mind letting me know what you take it for? Thank you. 💕
External-Praline-451@reddit
Yes, sure, happy to help. I've always suffered quite badly with my cycle, really bad PMT making me weepy and depressed, along with debilitating periods.
In peri, I started to just feel much more on a hormonal rollercoaster, but also really angry! It was a horrible feeling, something I wasn't used to. I also started getting super short cycles and Iron Defiency Without Anemia (IDWA).
I was also getting awful panic attacks which I realised were probably hot flushes and night sweats.
The estrogen helped with the hot flushes, peri rage and night sweats. The oral progesterone didn't agree with me, so I've now got a mirena coil instead and my period is disappearing gradually due to that, so hopefully my low iron will improve, along with supplements.
pizza5001@reddit
Thank you so so much for your feedback on why you take HRT in perimenopause. I’m happy for you if you’re finding that the meds have significantly reduced your symptoms.
Do you know if this is something you’ll be taking for the rest of your life? If not, when do you ween off of it?
I’m reluctant to take daily medication, but I have been dealing with emotion deregulation for the last 1-2 years. I’ve become quite emotional; but then I get over my outburst really fast.
My period has slowed to having had about 3 periods in the last 12 months, just to share how deep in I am in this thing. I’m trying to deal with it naturally, but I wonder if I’m doing myself a disservice, and it’s stressful knowing I need to make a decision before I’m deep in menopause.
External-Praline-451@reddit
I honestly haven't thought too much ahead of how long I'll be on it. They usually advise 2-5 years, or until you're fully into menopause and it all settles down, but I think some people take it longer.
So sorry you're going through a difficult time, too. I have to say it was a bit of a rollercoaster for me, tweaking it to get the right approach, but overall I'm glad I did it. Maybe you can give it a go when you haven't got too much going on and see how you feel? Some people feel immediate relief. I did in some ways, but I am sensitive to progesterone, so that took longer to find the right way.
The r/menopause sub has been soooo helpful for me. You can search old posts and there is a great wiki, which includes natural options if you don't want to do HRT. It's also so good to know you're not alone and not going crazy!
Sweet_Deeznuts@reddit
Hugs for you, friend.
Not officially diagnosed myself, but suspect the AuDHD as my son is officially diagnosed and definitely suspect my daughter is as well.
Dealing with perimenopause and being ND can be tough. Found some useful info on the menopause subreddit but also found a lot of, um, I’m gonna say pissed off/angry at life posts, and I had to unsub because it reminded me of my mom in her angry Karen moments and was a bit triggering for me. There is a perimenopause subreddit that’s fairly informative as well. Speak to your GP as they may need to tweak your T levels or add in low dose HRT. Some ADHD and perimenopause can overlap (like brain fog and emotional regulation) and feel more amplified. There are non-stimulant ADHD meds available now, that may also be something to consider if HRT isn’t the best option with the T.
Speaking of, both my parents have passed. My bro is single with no kids but an ADHD diagnosis. Depending on what country you live in, if you lose your job and have an official diagnosis, you could get a disability-type of social assistance. Try looking into this for yourself just to at least know if this would be a possibility for you, should you ever need it.
I feel that fear though, I’ve thought of it myself. It sucks, but you’re not alone, fam. Feel welcome to msg if you ever want to chat/talk.
petrichorgasm@reddit
I'm female and late diagnosed. I can only give you an internet hug. Hang in there. 🫂
L0sing_Faith@reddit
Oh no, I'm terrified. What's the worst symptom? 😨
ennuiismymiddlename@reddit
Well if you are anything like my wife, then the worst symptom is that you start hating your spouse. And it lasts for YEARS.
L0sing_Faith@reddit
Omg! Well, fortunately, then, I'm not married, but it sounds like I'll have to watch myself around friends, family, co-workers. My goal is to retire before I hit menopause, partially because who knows what I'm going to be dealing with at that age.
TobylovesPam@reddit
I've never been medicated for ADHD but when perimenopause hit?? Sweet merciful fuck it's bad. And the PMS is bad!! I'm on all the meds now! OP if you still have ovaries and a uterus, they could be misbehaving!
waterwitch602@reddit
ADHD here and started perimenopause. How does ADHD affect it? I feel like I'm losing my mind most days.
pizza5001@reddit
Personally, I would not read too much into it, because then I would subconsciously think that other people’s experiences are my own and constantly be trying to find connections, which, to me, adds unnecessary stress at a time when I’m trying to keep stress down.
My recommendation, having been peri for two years, is to just ride it out and only search for specific things that you are noticing. I wouldn’t want you freaking out about things that you don’t have to. Everyone’s experience will be different.
doremimi82@reddit
Agree as a fellow 42 ADHD perimenopausal lady!!
DeterminedErmine@reddit
There are dozens of us!
wilde_vulture@reddit
ChaucersDuchess@reddit
I am as well!! Agreeing to all this, OP this may be perimenopause as well. It’s hard to be kind to yourself when everything is going sideways, but know that there’s others of us affected by similar.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
I do still have those parts and yeah I see eBay you’re saying- I’ve wondered if despite being on T, it’s like, a battle for the death due to possibly being in that stage of things lol. I just don’t have any other trans man friends round my age to ask. The consensus seems to be that T overpowers E and it’s supposedly that simple. Whereas I have to think, it’s always a balance no matter what your original parts are. Transition is just altering that balance. And if you start out inherently off balance, to me it makes sense that it would be harder to get it right.
I’ve found that I seem to fare better with slightly high-range of both, rather than both being low. There’s never really been another scenario for me, it’s either both seem too high or both too low. My SHBG levels skew high which means that on paper, it will look like my liver is about to explode from too-high T but in actuality, I’m not converting enough of it to free/usable T. This is part of what complicated the earlier years of my transition- multiple doctors’ refusals to raise my dose.
And then at the very end of 2021 I got long COVID and was also made to lower my T dose to the point where it uh like, started to revert things. :-/ Even when I fought to raise my dose again and was able to, I feel like ever since this happened, nothing’s been right for me. But THEN when I tried to block T from converting to E, thinking that was the issue, I ended up with everything too low and was even worse off for most of last fall. It was awful, like, I did not care about anything and my skin looked so old and horrible and my bones felt like they’d fucking break.
Sooooo yes thank you for your insights. You’re definitely onto something. It suuuuucks.
Affectionate_Law5344@reddit
Why is it pure hell?
Synthea1979@reddit
ADHD brains already struggle with concentration and memory, often with impulse issues added on. The hormonal shifts that happen in the late 30s to early 50s amplify ADHD problems significantly, sometimes to the point that meds stop working, or coping mechanisms we've spent our lives learning, don't let us cope so well.
Neurotransmitters and hormones can be real assholes. Life is great when our brain chemistry is good. Life is pure shit when it's out of whack.
TheLakeWitch@reddit
I can attest to this. I wasn’t even diagnosed with ADHD until I was 41 even though, looking back, I definitely struggled with it from a very early age. And since I’d learned to adapt without meds for decades once it became difficult to get my meds filled on a regular basis (shortages, insurance, etc) I decided to just wean off completely. Now at 46 my symptoms are so bad that they’re affecting every aspect of my life. I just got back on Concerta and I’m hoping it helps quiet my brain at least a little bit.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit
This is absolutely correct. I already had severe ADHD and now peri is starting to kick my ass. I'm convinced that this is exactly how a lot of women my age end up homeless despite having relatively normal lives before.
I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. My relationships are wreck. And at this time of life, the lack of estrogen also starts to lead to increased blood pressure and other health issues for a lot of us so doctors are unwilling to medicate us.
I can't have hormonal treatment or ADHD treatment due to an existing genetic disorder. So far this suggested treatment is "suffer."
Cool_Dark_Place@reddit
Amen to that! I suffered a skull fracture and TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) almost 10 years ago. I was a bit of a flake before, but nothing too major. That TBI, however, spun me into a level of fucked up that has taken years to climb back out of. Every coping mechanism and compartmentalization trick I'd ever learned suddenly was useless. And the most fucked up part was, no therapist I talked to seemed to really understand exactly what I was going through. After I finally landed in a psych ward, the psychiatrist that was on call happened to be an ex-Army doctor who'd done a couple of tours in Iraq, and had dealt with lots of TBIs. Thankfully, he instantly recognized my symptoms. The short week I had with him was more helpful than months I'd spent with my old therapist (who actually yelled at me because she almost lost her job for not realizing how bad off I was.)
Affectionate_Law5344@reddit
This must be happening to me rn. I am having a crazy hard time. I am treated but I definitely feel like a different person nearly. Thanks for this!
lsp2005@reddit
So much this. No one warns you either because they say oh everyone is different. It is okay to have all of the feelings. If possible go get your bloodwork done to make sure your hormones are in check and that goes for cis, trans, and men and women. In your 40s you need to have them check your hormones and thyroid and vitamin D and C, calcium, and zinc levels.
BoyznGirlznBabes@reddit
It's pretty gnarly without it, too, and we're really just starting to understand what a spectrum all of these life stage changes are. If you have a healthcare person you trust, absolutely ask about this and what might help. I just have anxiety (formally, anyway), and it started fluctuating a lot recently. Three years of covid stuff didn't help, either.
darumamaki@reddit
This! OP, I feel you about the AuDHD, as I have it too. It does make things more difficult, like work burnout. But it's ok to be weird! It's ok to be uncertain! We're all weird little goblins just trying to make our way in this bullshit universe.
And do check on the perimenopause thing if you still have ovaries intact. I'm going through it now and it is playing absolute havoc with my ADHD lol. Hormonal imbalances will mess with the mind regardless of gender or what organs you have.
Regardless, from one internet stranger to another- you're not alone in this. Hang in there- I'm wishing you all the best, OP.
NoneOfThisMatters_XO@reddit
I can say that peri sucks hard and sometimes can make you super emotional and MAD.
StayCompetitive9033@reddit
Of course you care what people on reddit say or if you’re downvoted- you’re human. It sucks sometimes. Everyone had great advice on here take it and apply it.
RaisingAurorasaurus@reddit
Wanna be friends? I have no irl friends. None in person. Two long distance bffs that I get to see maybe every 5 years. One of whom is also a trans man and has felt many of the things you described here about not fitting in anywhere... Even in their queer community.
Today I found out my friend group from high school and college went on a mini-vaca together again and didn't invite me. Again. They've always acted like they were my friends. The last time they went on a trip I was just post partum so I didn't expect an invite but they said they'd let me know next time. They didn't. It really hurt my feelings to see them all in a "reunion". I'm also on the spectrum and didn't find out until recently and it has really sucked learning that I'm so unrelatable. Man, so many people throughout my life have just used me as a friend "place holder" I think. I feel genuinely unloved and unrelatable by my peers.
Just keep your head up and try to not get too down about work... It's just work. Gotta go something to pay the bills, just channel your Gen X side and check out a little. Can you take any PTO? It does sound like you're burnt out and need a break.
Virtual hugs!! All I can say is we gotta keep on keeping on or we'll definitely never get there!
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Hugs right back! I have no PTO but I already told my job that if they can’t at least compromise, I’m just :shrug: not gonna be able to be there as much. There is a LOT of dysfunction there. It isn’t all on me. In a way, it sucks even more to know that even if I were doing better, it would still be a sinking ship.
Anyway, if I ever leave the house again, we can totally be friends! (I’m joking, more or less. It’s been…A Day…)
RaisingAurorasaurus@reddit
Dude I feel that! And I totally understand the work from home situation. Any chance you could get formally diagnosed? Autism is a recognized disability and you may have protections to keep you from getting fired if they won't accommodate you in some manner.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
I mean, I have a formal ADHD diagnosis and it wasn’t enough for them to accommodate me. I’ve heard getting an autism diagnosis as an adult is like, staggeringly expensive. :-/
mdmachine@reddit
I want to say you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. It's really tough navigating life with all these challenges, and it can feel especially isolating when you don’t feel understood or supported.
First off, it’s never too late to find success or happiness. Many people actually hit their stride in their 40s and beyond. Life isn’t a race, and everyone's path looks different. Your journey, with all its ups and downs, has made you who you are, and there's so much value in that.
It's also important to remember that social media and the internet often amplify the negativity. The downvotes and rude comments suck, but they don’t define your worth or expertise. You have valuable experiences and knowledge, and there are definitely people out there who will appreciate that.
If you haven’t already, maybe consider taking a break from social media altogether. The fact is, a lot of people online are miserable and use the internet as an outlet to project their negativity and feel better about themselves. By focusing on real life, you'll find that those weak, negative people won't present themselves nearly as much.
Regarding your concerns about aging and feeling out of sync, it might help to find or create communities that align with your interests and values. Screw online communities—focus on real life. Find local groups where you can meet people face-to-face and build genuine connections.
On the job front, screw small changes. Be strong and MAKE the changes you need. Fortune favors the audacious, not the timid. If you're burned out and unhappy, take bold steps to find a new path. It might be scary, but staying in a miserable situation will only hold you back.
Lastly, take some time to really think about who you are and what makes YOU happy. Self-loathing and comparing yourself to others will only lead to further depression. It’s a hard truth, but only you can make the changes you need. Dwelling on negative thoughts and comparing yourself to others isn’t going to help you move forward.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. You’ve made it this far, and that’s a testament to your strength and resilience. Keep reaching out, keep sharing, and keep believing that things can get better. You matter, and your experiences and feelings are valid.
Hang in there, and take care.
rnmba@reddit
Read “The Four Agreements.”
gggggggggggfff@reddit
It sounds like you’re spiraling a bit. Get the things you can control in check first. Apply for new jobs. You need a job culture change. Get a therapist to talk through what you’re dealing with. And don’t compare yourself to other people your age. Age is mostly irrelevant for success. Good luck!
seal_song@reddit
It's not too late. I promise. I'm 44 and I just started grad school. We have time.
You can't control what people say on social media. All you can control is how you interact with it. If strangers online are irritating you this much, take an extended social media break. It will do wonders for your mental health.
Everyone should have a therapist. It seems like you could really benefit from an objective, supportive ear right now. Strongly recommend therapy.
You're gonna be OK. :)
NotSoSpecialAsp@reddit
Autism and ADHD are disabilities, not identities. Learning the difference might really help you in life.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Oh believe me, I’m aware. I don’t typically try to make it my life, it’s just…it’s been a particularly bad stretch. Just trust me on that.
saladdressed@reddit
I relate to this. Also on the spectrum and got diagnosed as an adult. It’s funny, there’s no treatment for me as I’m high functioning. Just an explanation to why I’ve been a socially awkward loser my whole life.
Yes, people are mean to autists. It’s because our behavior breaks the rules socially. Their meanness comes from annoyance and an attempt to correct us. You can be angry about it and fight back or you can study up on NT norms and do your best to conform so you are treated better.
I’ve tried something different. I’ve noticed that people end up in stupid conflicts all the time because one person inadvertently broke a social norm and it was perceived as disrespect. I can’t control how other people treat me, but I can control myself and choose to extend people grace. Are they being rude to me on purpose or do they have a different communication style? Entertain the possibility that something you might perceive as hurtful was not intended to be hurtful. If you practice this enough you’ll not only get along with people better, but you’ll be able to disconnect from the truly malicious behavior of people.
Yeah there are people who just can’t stand autists and will be mean. They just get triggered by the way we talk or something. That sucks. It’s just another one of the painful realities of life. Accepting that and giving yourself permission to feel that hurt is necessary. The hard part is allowing yourself to feel that hurt without judgement. It’s easy to think “they are mean to me because I’m worthless” or “because they are awful, evil shitheads.” You want to add a reason (a judgement) for your pain when you think about it. But all that does is make you feel worse: either depressed or enraged. Practice feeling your pain and observing when extra judgmental thoughts enter. Identify them as judgements. It’s not easy, but overtime you’ll be able to understand the “I’m worthless” as just a thought, not the truth. With practice you can let it float away instead of sticking around and extending a painful situation into prolonged suffering.
I think these life prescriptions like having your career, family, social standing, and money all together by 40 cause a lot of suffering. Life takes a lot of unexpected turns. A lot of us haven’t married or had kids. Many of us have, ended up divorced and find ourselves struggling to start over as middle aged people in the dating market. Some of us never made that dream career happen. Some of us did, but got the rug pulled out from under us with a lay off and have to figure something else out. Plenty of us “have it together” from the outside but feel like they are barely treading water, living paycheck to paycheck. For most of us it’s a constant struggle. And stressing because we’ve failed to reach some arbitrary benchmark at our age doesn’t help us, it only adds stress.
closethird@reddit
I think you need to define what "making it" looks like for you. Some people are out there constantly chasing bigger and better things with no end in sight. A ton of the rich and famous are very unhappy because there are still people out there that are richer and more famous than them.
Once you know what you're after, set a reasonable goal for yourself. Nothing too crazy. Try to find actions you can take that will get you there and celebrate when you finish those actions.
So say you want to get a better paying job (the goal). An action might be making a resume. Celebrate when that's done. Another might be researching potential jobs. Celebrate. Apply to 5 jobs. Celebrate.
Maybe you want to get out more (a different goal). An action might be asking a local online forum what kind of fun activities there are in your area for someone with your hobbies or age group. Celebrate. Attend one of these events. Celebrate. Maybe that group wasn't great. Attend a different event. Celebrate. Maybe there was a cool person in that group. Reach out to them personally sometime. Celebrate..
There will be setbacks. Nothing will go as planned. But if you have a goal in mind and you're actively working toward that goal, you'll start to feel a lot better about your situation.
One last thing, don't set your goals relative to others. There are lots of people who look like they have it together but it may just be a facade. They might be struggling mentally, financially, or whatever outside of their public life. There will always be some bad with the good.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Thank you for this. <3 by those metrics, I do have a lot to celebrate already. I guess “making it” for me is really just “making it back to where I was before it all went to shit.” I’d be fine with that lol. Nothing major. Just, making enough money, enjoying my job, having a much better work-life balance and the time to pursue my hobbies and passions and be creative. It just feels like, there was this fleeting point when I had that dialed in and it’s just been one setback after another.
closethird@reddit
Work/life balance is hard. It seems like that's a constantly swaying pendulum that has a hard time settling. Honestly, I think the 40 hour work week is brutal. 30 seems more humane. Maybe some day the people will bring that out of corporations, but I'm not holding my breath for it happening any time in my working life.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
We were so close during the lockdown and then it’s like we learned nothing.
atticus2132000@reddit
You've covered a lot of ground with your post. It's good that you're writing. Keep doing that. It's a great therapeutic exercise. Just to comment on a couple of things you included in your post...
"It's too late." Lots of people feel this. They look around at people they consider their contemporaries and see everything those people have accomplished and feel like they've been left behind. Couple of things with that philosophy: in the race of life, you are only ever looking at the people ahead of you and measuring your successes against the people who you perceive to be leading the race. We never look behind us to realize how much further ahead we are than others. When you start helping those people who are "behind" you it helps shift your focus. The facts are you do have a lot of wisdom to share with people who are struggling. Find those people and help mentor them.
You're only 42. That's hardly old. Yes, it's the oldest you've ever been before so it feels like you're in uncharted territory and you're feeling lost and unmoored. At the same time, right now, right this very second, is the youngest you will ever be again. You likely have another 40+ years of life to go. That time is going to pass whether you embrace it or not. In five years, five years will have passed whether you spend that time productively or not is up to you. If you were 20 and looking at the next five years, what would you want to accomplish in that time? Why does being 40 change that? You're not too old to learn new skills. You're not too old to pivot in another direction in life. You're not too old to steer the ship in a different direction.
You're never too old to make a change. The whole reason we find change scarier and scarier the older we get is because we fear losing everything that we have gained. Making a change at 20 doesn't feel like a risk because we don't have anything yet. But making a change at 40 feels riskier. But understand how points 1 and 2 above are paradoxically in opposition. If you truly believe that you don't have anything and are envious of others, then there is no risk in making a change, so it shouldn't be scary. And if you fear change, then it is because you recognize the value in what you have and you're not nearly as far behind as you might feel.
rjn1000@reddit
I'll bring it back to our culture.
"You know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds when I pull up to the [Xennial sub] to when I get to your [post]. 'Cause I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, no "see ya later", no nothin'. You just [deleted your reddit account]. I don't know much, but I know that."
This is just a Xennial way of saying you would be much happier if you just deleted your reddit account. Or at least placed it in the unserious nonsense part of your brain. Fuck online people who don't know you and nitpick your experience. You're getting enough of that in your life because of how badly society fails you for who you are. You're not a failure, you're a human goddamn being and being a human in the world is a fucking triumph. You're successfully introspective and kindhearted, which is 95% more success than most of us will ever have. Online shitheads are 100% avoidable and while it sucks nobody is going to have your back in an online "community", you have to remind yourself it's not a real community, it's not humanity. Back over to you, Ben Affleck before you were problematic:
"Hanging around here is a fuckin' waste of your time."
Sufficient_Shirt1825@reddit
I'm the same way about wanting to delete everything I ever post (which is basically nothing these days). I still have flashbacks to stuff I got laughed at for posting almost 20 years ago. I don't know if it's an ADHD thing but for some reason it hurts me way more when people take it the wrong way or ridicule what I've said than I think it does most people, so I get it. I'm a cis-gender woman but I haven't walked the most traditional path into my 40s either and I've definitely been very down on myself over the years about not having or doing all the stuff other people did, but I've come to terms with it. I took the long way around, didn't go straight from A to B. But I saw more stuff. Anyway, I just wanted to say I hear you and I think the world is a richer place because you're in it.
OnoALT@reddit
Life twists and bends and none of us can know what’s next. Never assume it’s worse or better and just keep moving forward. Love you brother. You can do it.
thaddeusharris@reddit
I hear you! Sending hugs/handshakes/fist bumps/whatever the youth of today think is rad!
Budget-Lettuce-3146@reddit
If, it makes you feel better I’m 44 and have no close friends. I have no life outside my kids. Everyone I interact with is only because of them. I am married with two kids. If, I wasn’t I would probably go forever without seeing anyone. My own family (mom/twin) don’t contact me first. I honestly think I annoy people. I want friends so badly that I think that I become too much. I don’t have the same issues you do but, I have a degree that I can’t use and I lost my career (main identity) to stroke. So, after my kids go to college I will only have my husband. I never thought I’d build my identity around a man.
eat_like_snake@reddit
And rightfully so. No one is required to upvote you to make you feel better about yourself, and "use a bar" is a suggestion, not an insult.
There's nothing "mean" about that. Just because you disagree with it, and it makes you feel bad about yourself, doesn't mean that person is being mean.
It's not that people are "mean" and "awful", it's just that you're expecting self-affirming interactions, but... who owes you those and why? Think about the other person you're interacting with. Why are they beholden to being your personal self-esteem dispensary?
This whole post kind of comes across as self-victimization and Main Character Syndrome, and those issues are better addressed and criticized, rather than indulged. They're entirely destructive towards both yourself and any social relationships you may have.
If you want self-esteem, do something you're proud of. Accomplish something. Make close connections with people IRL. Go out and soul search. Seek out a therapist that will give you healthy outlets for these insecurities.
Social media is one of the absolute worst places for that.
aenflex@reddit
I actually agree. There is a very self-absorbed tone to the entire post.
OP - there are plenty of free lecture videos on the internet. Free mental health self-help materials, be they articles, videos, discussion forums, etc. Free meditations, free religions if that’s your thing. If you cannot afford to see a therapist, then do the next best thing and learn.
Life is going to be doom and gloom if that’s what you make it.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
It’s not doom and gloom. I said at the end this isn’t my usual mindset. I’ve just had a really fucking hard few years. I do yoga. I read self-help books. I research brain chemistry. I go outside and have lots of active hobbies that my job has pretty well fucked the ability to do, which is where a lot of my angst comes from lately- I’ve truly lost a lot of my coping mechanisms.
Self-absorbed? I don’t know man. Let me just run you through the last 4 years real quick. I moved to Chicago from LA to try and get a fresh start, get back on track financially, etc. Covid happened a month later. Then I switched gears during the pandemic, but burned out (substitute teacher), and then I had to deal with long covid and resulting health issues. Then 2022 led to more financial instability, worse health, trying to balance two part-time jobs, one of my cats died very suddenly, and then last year I got my current job and tried once again to kinda regroup. And I also had to switch around my ADHD meds a bunch due to the shortsge, in the midst of starting this job, and I’m still kinda figuring that out. And now, I’m being strung along by upper management at work, we don’t have enough people, and it’s just not working out and yes I’ve been looking for something else. But I wanted to try and make it work since I like most of the job, hence why I requested accommodations.
Oh. And my 95-year old grandmother will probably die in the next six months and sure she’s old as hell but it still kinda happened out of nowhere.
So yeah do tell me more about how selfish I am and this Main Character crap. Oh please.
And also, I’m taking a couple of classes. And medication. And yoga twice a week.
Like, I’m doing everything I can. And really…how would I possibly get through all this - ANY of this!- and not be self-absorbed in some sense..? It’s MY life! I had to be, to fucking survive…you know? Come on now.
Drakar_och_demoner@reddit
Are you taking a piss?
Canthelpit2056@reddit
Hahaha when you said my 95 year old grandmother is probably going to kick it in like the next six months hahaha. I'm sure you got news that's telling you that number range. But it's crazy funny cause it's like you are listing off things to make your case even though it's not really a thing yet. Hahahaha. Looks that way anyway. Not kicking you when down. Just thought that was funny. We have bad days. And sometimes those days last a few years! I do hope life gets better for you. I feel the same way at times. But I'm an odd bird and fly my own way so I don't mesh with people too often. Got to try washing the pain off. And sometimes it takes a bit.
Drakar_och_demoner@reddit
I am sorry to say this, but you sound like a handful to deal with. If everyone else is always the problem, maybe it's you that are the issue because you are common denominator.
I think you need to be less intense and get a better work life balance.
stixmcgee@reddit
OP hang in there. This age is really challenging for many, including myself. It’s hard not to compare yourself to others who have been on one trajectory for years, allowing them to build their career to its fullest, or achieve a lot of material success by this point. Realistically though, I don’t think this represents the majority of people our age. I’m 40 and still don’t know what I want to do! My dad fully changed careers in his 50’s if that gives you any inspiration lol.
I struggle with late-diagnosed ADHD too, and it definitely feels unfair to have not been on a level playing field with everyone else all these years. You’re not alone. Please try to remember you can’t go back in time, so dwelling on it will never be helpful. Try to look forward only. Use what you have to the best of your ability every day. From the sound of it, you have a lot of hobbies and like to be outside. Is there a way you could translate one of those hobbies into a career? It might be a hard road at this point, but more rewarding at the end.
Chicago is a tough place for being outdoors in the winter haha - is it feasible for you to move back to a warm climate in a place that’s more low-key? Personally, I struggle with SADD in the winter and lack of sunlight kills my mental health. If you struggle with that as well, it can be crippling on top of the ADHD and any hormone imbalances.
Regardless, you DO matter, and you ARE important, no matter how successful you are, what gender you are, what age you are, or what neurodivergence is impacting you. I do say this as a Christian who in no way is trying to impart my beliefs on you, but just want you to know that you’re extraordinarily important and you are loved. If you think that’s stupid, I won’t be offended but no one deserves to feel less-than because no one is better than anyone else. The standards we use to define “better” and “success” are really flawed and subjective. Measuring your worth against how others react to you on the internet is a sure setup for disappointment. Reddit can be a nasty place and generally not representative of how people would interact in person either.
Advice:
1) Try to find a community group where you can do something you enjoy, even if it’s volunteering. You can connect with a lot of people this way.
2) Take another commenter’s advice and set small goals for yourself. Move toward them incrementally and celebrate successes along the way.
I’m so sorry for this long-winded post, but I really don’t want you to feel bad, OP! Many of us are in the same boat.
malabericus@reddit
You sound like how I felt years ago for years. Two things pulled me out of it. I found one teeny tiny thing I really good at and focused on it. It took a long time but the confidence from that eventually spilled into the rest of my life. You just need to find that thing.
The other thing that's stuck with me was something a old president said comparison is the thief of joy. Why are you letting people control how you feel? Fuck that. You are the only person in the world who can change how you feel. Everyone these days is so wrapped up in social media and guess what? None of that matters, no one cares more about you then you. So stop. Be in your skin, be in your head. Live your life.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
So, I’ve found my things. The thing is, work, financial, and heath struggles have all made it so so much harder to do these things as much as I need to, especially as of late.
I’m about ready to quit this job and just live off credit cards until I figure something out. I’m not saying it’s the root cause but it’s contributing heavily to making other things worse.
malabericus@reddit
Living off credit cards will fuck you for years and years after unless you claim bankruptcy.
If you hate your work, find different work.
SlowSB4@reddit
You sound more like a millinial.
Pez79_14@reddit
If anything you have an ability to write out a succinct emotional post. It's hard in day to day life and worse online. I have never found any real friends online, I only keep up the best I can with people actually know. Idk anything but maybe just remembering life is hard for the people you are talking to and they are caught up in their own shit might help. Sometimes I feel like everyone is drowning and we just want to explain to someone how were drowning while they seem preoccupied with drowning.
grund1eburn@reddit
We have different definitions of this word apparently.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Ha! I was gonna say the same thing…and I wrote the post. Hey I warned y’all haha. I might be pretty miserable right now, but self-deprecating humor can be weirdly therapeutic for me I guess.
Careful_Swan3830@reddit
Aside from the trans part I vibe with this so hard OP. I’m also AuDHD and it only seems to be getting worse as I get older. Had a complete meltdown about an injured raccoon last week. Shit is rough right now. It’s scary enough for me as a cis queer woman, I know it’s even scarier for trans folks. I’m not good with the comforting words cause you know AuDHD and all but I just want you to know you’re not alone 🫶🏻
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Is the raccoon ok? Aww :-( I’m sorry. And thank you.
a_few_flipperbabies@reddit
I don't really have anything of note to add to the conversation, but, based on a quick glance at yr profile, I believe we're in the same major midwestern metropolis, and I'm a fellow (self-diagnosed re: the Au part) ADHDer who isn't great at making friends but is always on the lookout for people I can vibe with, & you seen like a good vibes person 🙂
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
I’m astonished that you’re somehow picking up good vibes after my debut novel about being a self-absorbed victim with main character syndrome who might have perimenopause, somehow (it’s just funny how so many people seem to have latched onto that when given the gender I’ve trans-ed into, it should be impossible…I’m not discounting it, I just don’t think it should be the main takeaway here haha).
But if you insist, yay new friend lol.
Duffman_ohyea@reddit
Why do you care or matter to make an impact on others and not yourself? Don’t worry about what others are doing or feeling. Just be happy being yourself and being who you are. It’s ok to feel like you didn’t make it big. You gotta find your passion, find what drives you and go for it. Do things for yourself bc it makes you happy not bc you’re trying to prove something to someone else. Positive thinking 🤔 = positive outcomes 😁
DeterminedErmine@reddit
Im very familiar with where you are coming from. I won’t go into detail because I’m fucken depressed and it takes too much energy to type out why I’ve basically been in bed for 2 weeks, but let me just say I am right here with you in confusion and misery. I think it’s partly that perimenopause and neurodivergence have started interacting in some fucking weird ways and partly some situational stuff happening in my life right now. I’m just holding on, getting my meds updated, and hoping for the best. I hope things get better for you. You are not alone, you are not alone, you are not alone.
Primary-Gold-1033@reddit
43 bi woman here just freshly diagnosed AuDHD. I grieve for the years I lost being undiagnosed and straight-up hating myself, and feel behind my peers as well. I don’t have words of comfort except to say you’re not alone, friend. Hugs.
Dark-Empath-@reddit
I’m so, so sorry
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I’m sitting here cry-laughing because my Lyft driver just backed over my right foot and earlier today, this shitty driver almost hit me when I was crossing the street. So I really do hate most people and cars, right now. I don’t even want to ask “how could things be any worse” because I don’t know if I want the answer or an example, heh. What the absolute fuck is going on in the goddamn universe..?! Like, never mind MY problems…what is wrong with people?!
MegaMoi@reddit
You know what, you're right! I'm sorry you're struggling. I see you! I feel very similar. Hormones and ADHD are messing with my life right now. Yay 40!
Affectionate_Law5344@reddit
Are you medicated for your ADHD?
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Yeah but the adderall shortage has made it harder. And I can’t switch to anything else. I’m also on Wellbutrin but that doesn’t do enough by itself.
That’s the other fucking shitty feeling for me…this sort of…embarrassment..? that I’m ON medication and still such a fuckup lmao.
Odd_Alastor_13@reddit
I’m 45, self-diagnosed autistic, and similarly kinda just lost in the world. After finishing my PhD in the mid-aughts and then leaving academia because I was so sick of it, it feels like many years of not really finding a place or a path that fit well. I’m lucky that I have an awesome partner (AuDHD), and we’re both queer neurodivergent vegan weirdos who can make our own space safe to exist in, but things like adulting and longterm plans and solid employment are all hard. And that sucks.
I don’t have much to offer in terms of advice, but lots of empathy. Making time for special interests helps with staying positive, even if it’s sometimes done without a social component. I’m sorry you had a shitty experience with the piercing group, but maybe there’s a different one that’ll be different?
Hugs
SmallSaltyMermaid@reddit
Okay. I’m reading this and the first thing I want to say is from a place of love, concern, and full ignorance and on my part. Have you checked your hormones?? Your statement of “feeling depressed but not depressed” is a clue to do that. As a perimenopausal woman, you nailed that feeling for me. My hormones have been from irritating to feeling low and I go through this emotional cycle monthly. So talk to your doctor about this.
Additionally, as Im reading this, I want you to find friends in the real world. I know it’s not easy to do we get older, but as a trans person you need a supportive in-person community. Then stop caring about these internet trolls. Full stop. They don’t know you and you’re giving them too much ability to hurt you.
Aging. It’s not for the weak. We are lucky to get old! Not everyone gets to. It’s hard to age in a society that values youth and appearance. So you need to find joy in your life. To me, joy doesn’t mean the materialist “I’ve made a wealthy life and purchased all the things!” No. Joy for me is laughing with family and friends. Making time to read without guilt. Having a lazy day. Traveling. Dancing. Hiking. Enjoying a really good cup of coffee in silence while I read trashy subreddits. Having a great conversation with a friend that I haven’t talked to in months. Volunteering with veterans and hospice has also helped to give me a sense of purpose. And when I find myself in the moment of joy, I silently thank God (the universe, Mother Earth - whom ever you want). It’s the gratitude that’s important.
No one ever has it together. 40 used to be my scary age, and now I’m past that. Big deal! I’ve got a college degree, got married, got divorced, got fired, lived all over the country, established a career, remarried, became a SAHM, and I have a mortgage, bills, and did what I’m supposed to be a “cog” in the wheel of life. So this “I’ve made it” makes me wonder if there really is a place that people stop trying to do something.
And through all this I would often go to therapy to navigate my life changes.
Find your joy. You aren’t a loser. You need a community and some hobbies. Be willing to take a risk and try new things and meet new people. Take a class and say hello to the person who sits next to you. Or take a yoga/meditation class and saying nothing. Just get out of your house and comfort zone. Live your life not as a victim.
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
Thank you for all this, truly. To clarify, I’m actually really active and have a lot of hobbies. Part of what’s been fucking me up is not being able to do them as much because of work. I’m a musician and artist and an avid skateboarder. And I also paddleboard and surf and will probably get a skimboard soon. I live right near the lake/beach so it’s perfect. Except for winter and now being chained to a fucking desk, albeit a standing one, in this shit office with no windows. Like, now that I’m writing this out..? I was seriously better off when I could be outside more and could get more sun and physical activity, especially skateboarding. I moved here from California and it was way easier there because I could skate year-round. Here, I try to do that but skating in 25-degree weather is pushing it and then obviously, snow/ice is no bueno.
So, I think some of this is definitely chemical/hormonal but I think it’s aggravated by just not having as much access to my hobbies and the outdoors/sun. It’s just impossible, there aren’t enough hours in the day for it to equal what my life was like when I was able to work part-time- or when I lived in California and was unemployed. Obviously not sustainable, but goddamn. At least I had TIME.
The_Spectacle@reddit
I have autism and adhd as well and the rejection sensitivity is particularly awful. if I see any of my posts get downvoted I get way more bothered about it than I should. so I just comment a lot and try not to look back.
I have a therapist, I've been seeing her for like 15 years (since I was diagnosed at age 30) and I don't know that I really need therapy right now but I feel like it keeps me on an even keel.
also, it's all about distractions. I was ruminating for a bit and then I realized that focusing on what a horrible mood I’m in doesn't really help a bad mood to improve. TV is a really great distraction as long as you can stay focused on it (which is my current problem). I also do some journaling, and since I’m dieting I spend a lot of time thinking about food, lol
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
That’s pretty amazing that you’ve kept the same therapist!
So, T thankfully nuked my periods but I’m positive I had PMDD before transition. It fucking obliterated my life. Like, Jesus. Wrecking ball.
For a while I figured meh I’ll just get all that shit out. But I’m absolutely not in a place to have major surgery, and I don’t know that I want to take away my only source of natural hormones, even if they’re the wrong ones to a large extent. It just makes me feel like, what if things get bad and I can’t be on T for some reason and then I end up with low everything again, which = bad..? So yeah I don’t know. It’s just impossible.
gutlessflab@reddit
I've tried several times to write a coherent comment about the communication style of youngsters on Reddit, about how it's never too late to find happiness or community, and how "making it" can look very different from person to person...but I can't get it to make sense.
But I can say that I hear you, and I hope things get better.
braywarshawsky@reddit
OP,
First off... You're not alone in your feelings. We're here for you.
I can emphasize with you. You should know that even though it is shit right now, things will gradually get better.
Imposter Syndrome hit me hard a few years ago, and it still ebbs and flows like the tide. I can only imagine how rough it is as a member of the trans community. Just know you'll get through this. You have allies and friends who do care about you more than you realize.
Take care, stranger. I hope this message can be a bright spot for you, which will help you to where you need to be emotionally.
SailMoonDog@reddit
lol what the heck
adrianhalo@reddit (OP)
I…don’t know either.
ShadowAnimus81@reddit
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling, OP. I wish I knew what to say, but I'm AuDHD as well and I have a really hard time articulating that sort of thing. I hope you understand. I reread this short comment about ten times, for example lol. Just know you aren't alone out there and that this Xennial is sending positive vibes your way. I think things will get better for us again.
diddilybop@reddit
i’m also in agreement to this, and can relate. late 30 something, with AuDHD. i feel so behind in life, i’m still figuring things out, and it’s struggle. i wish i had more advice, but i’m hoping things will fall into a more happy and healthy place for all of us 🧡
Not_So_Bad_Andy@reddit
And I'm just going to say "I agree" to your post for the same reason.
Emergency-Pack-5497@reddit
Do you have a place to live? What do you mean by "made it"? We're all out here grinding, but that's existing, they're synonymous. I hope you're not letting social media effect your mental health, people only post the good stuff.
masterbla5ter@reddit
I don’t think 42 is xennial.
realauthormattjanak@reddit
Two things: Life is easy when you don't have a choice. You've identified the issue/issues, and that's half of it. Life is a one way street, so you keep moving forward. Everything will be alright, whether you like it or not. Being a pessimist is easy because it requires no effort. You have to actively look at each individual situation as it comes and practice finding the positive. Eventually it becomes second nature. And get a fish or something. You can't wallow in self pity when you have another being to take care of.
BitNorthOfForty@reddit
Fish or pets of any kind really are wonderful reasons to get up in the morning during the darkest times in our lives. They need their breakfast, after all. 🙂 Caring for them also gives the satisfaction of knowing that you’re providing for creatures that truly depend on you.
realauthormattjanak@reddit
That's because they don't care. Tell them any problem you're having, they're unaffected by it. Very cathartic.
marcos_MN@reddit
I can relate to the bits about being 40+ and feeling like I’m falling short.
I’ve gotta ask, and this is absolutely no shade… Are you in therapy? I go weekly and it is a huge point of support and an anchor for me. I’m not particularly struggling with anything, but even on good weeks it’s nice to have an objective person to check in with and be accountable to.
Anyway, sorry you’re hurting. Lots of love from the great north.
BurnerMcBurnfacer@reddit
Peace my homie
EastCoastJohnny@reddit
Honestly this sounds like a textbook r/midlifecrisis in a lot of ways, and I don’t say that because I mean to minimize it, I say it because there are a lot of really good books out there and professional help. A lot of us feel parts of this for sure, wishing you the best my friend.
protestboy@reddit
Sometimes people aren't actually looking for advice, they just want to be heard. If that's you, feel free to ignore everything that follows, and I hope you feel better.
Here are my tips for happier living
Dimebag0352@reddit
The most important thing is that you care. That’s a big deal, it’s a million times easier to just say F it but you don’t. That’s a victory on your part. 🤘
plantsplantsplaaants@reddit
I relate to so much of this. ADHD, trans, feeling behind in life, burnt out. I have two thoughts here: have you read about RSD? It still fucking sucks but I find it helpful to just be aware of its existence and it sounds like that could be contributing to your experience online. My second thought is how much community do you have? Neurodivergent community, trans community, even just other single friends. It’s hard to be surrounded by people who don’t totally get you. For me, spending time with other trans people in particular is really important for my mental health. I hope it helps to know that I’m right there with you, even if where we are isn’t the most fun place to be
That_Skirt7522@reddit
There are online therapists and psychiatrists that I see advertised on Reddit that you might want go contact and start seeing as often as possible, some in a very sliding fee scale. If you aren’t a clinician you shouldn’t be self diagnosing.
Roscoe_P_Trolltrain@reddit
Well I’d stop defending and explaining yourself for starters. I read the whole thing but did I get it right that it was just the first comment about your piercing post that discouraged you? Was there anymore response to your piercings post? And just because you say you’re tired of hearing “the internet is mean” doesn’t mean it’s not. That person might just be a miserable person that enjoys shitting on others online.
I dont know anything about piercings. Is it possible that (since you say it’s been a while that you’ve been active) trends or technologies changed? If that’s something you want to get back into, you should just restart that journey.
Or maybe there is another hobby you can pursue where the point is to just enjoy it and find some peace of mind. For me, it was joining a pottery studio and it was great for me. I met a lot of people and it helped get me to where I could start sorting out all my shit.
I don’t have any real good advice. I’d just keep at it and not worry about what people think. (Not easy I know). I struggle with that all the time. Good luck!
The_Spectacle@reddit
I went and looked, my impression was that whoever replied to op's piercing post was likely trying to be helpful. I suspect the post got downvoted somehow and op flipped out and deleted it before it could gain any traction. (I say that because I've done it myself.)
I think there are bots that downvote shit for who the hell knows what reason, and that's why new posts get downvoted initially, then real people come along and read them and give the good karma. I’m not 100% on that but I think I heard about that happening in the fountain pens subreddit when I first joined it
ewing666@reddit
i relate to a lot of this
i’m trying and slowly learning to be proud of myself for making progress, slow as it is, over my obstacles. if i focus on what i think i should have achieved i get more depressed
i really enjoy knowing other “neuro spicy” adults, especially the adult diagnosis crowd. those are my people
Sufficient_Creme_240@reddit
First it's not too late it's never too late. Are you a grown ass man or a grown ass woman. That decision is yours. I think you're looking for a lot of validation from others but not yourself. It sounds like you have some interests, go with those and don't worry about what people online say. See if you can find similar groups in the real world. Online it's too easy to be a dick and forget that you're talking to a real person.
You can dismiss my ramblings, I'm a bit drunk.