For those of you that had to choose between a relationship and a place, how did it go?
Posted by Horror-Cicada687@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 76 comments
I am living in my partner’s home country (we met here) and I am considering moving back home, which is a 24 hour flight away. They have made it clear that they are not prepared to join me, so unfortunately I am faced with the choice to go home, or end the best relationship of my life.
I am sure there are many of us here who have faced similar decisions and I’m curious to understand how that worked out for you. What did you decide? Do you regret it now?
Puzzleheaded_Buy_708@reddit
So glad I am finding this post I am in the same spot practically. I am still in my partner's home country (Nicaragua) and am struggling. We met many years ago in Nicaragua and kept in touch through socials many years later, then developed very intense feelings for each other and decided to go for it and meet up again in person to see what could happen. We have an incredible relationship based on honesty and respect and are very much in love. But I am starting to miss home (Australia) and am realising that I don't want to live in a place like this. But I'm wondering do I need to compromise more? or honour my feelings? I'm not sure if love is enough to stay.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I have Australian citizenship and I really empathise with you – it is a very special place to live.
Something I disregarded is the fact that my partner was never willing to compromise at all (even for a short period of time). I should have seen this for the red flag it was, but I loved them and I wanted to make it work. Ultimately they ended up cheating.
It’s clear you have tried, and they need to pull their weight too.
Puzzleheaded_Buy_708@reddit
I’m so sorry to hear that they cheated. I know my bf is keen to come to Australia but seems adamant for now now that he won’t live there. So we’re discussing splitting our time between the 2 places. But I’m not sure how set I am on that idea. I guess time will tell and we’ll see how we feel about it all.
Acceptable-Work7634@reddit
Tough one mate.
I met my now wife in her home country (USA) and we now live in my home country (Australia). We moved here after about 5 years together in the US and now have been in Australia for 7. She is now a citizen and at this stage has no interest in going back (current political climate, big factor).
HOWEVER, the key is that we had this conversation early on and both of us were willing to move to the other persons country. I would never rule out living in the US again as it’s not fair to put such an ultimatum on my partner
If your current partner is not willing to make the move for you, I don’t think you can stay… that’s how resentment grows.
Those are my two cents
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I think you have touched on something important here, which is that you have an agreement that both of you are prepared to change or sacrifice equally for the other. Truthfully, I am resentful that the burden of this decision is entirely on me and that I am prepared to make a sacrifice for him that he is not for me.
Pension-Unhappy@reddit
@OP do you have an update of that did you do at the end? Just curious as I’m on the same boat
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I’ll message you!
Financial-Editor-665@reddit
Hi OP, how did it go for you? currently in the exact same situation
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
He cheated on me. I stayed in the country afterwards for work anyway.
TechyCanadian@reddit
That’s so heartbreaking I’m sorry.
linamatthias@reddit
Hello OP! I am in the exact same situation as you! Would love to chat!!
UnlikeliestAddendum@reddit
That’s such a nice mentality to have. My partner is from the US and we met in Germany. While Germany isn’t my home country either, I absolutely love living here. He wants to move back to the US but is always sort of unclear or indecisive with his answers when I ask him if he would be open to moving back if I’m unhappy in the US. Really makes me question my decision to try living there with him in the first place (haven’t moved yet). :/ but we do have SUCH a good time together. I wonder how much of that good time is dependent on our environment and if it will still be that good once we’re back in his home turf so to speak. Sigh.
Acceptable-Work7634@reddit
At least you are communicating about it, that’s key.
Unfortunately the reality is that even with the best of intentions going into these things, there are factors out of your control and unknowns. People’s feelings and priorities can and do change.
Best of luck to you
humpyelstiltskin@reddit
I left a short, but intense relationship to emigrate. It was very hard and for a long time i felt like i couldnt ever replace her. quality of life and financial security are too important to me and i had to do it.
I met another beautiful girl here, whom i love deeply and we have the best life i could've ever wanted.
hungry-axolotl@reddit
Hey I know this is an old post, but can I have your thoughts on this? I'm doing my PhD in Japan, and I need to job hunt soon, and I feel like I don't want to stay in Japan after my PhD for a few reasons. But at the same time I've been dating my gf who's Japanese for about 8 months now, and she wants to stay in Japan. Right now, my only/biggest motivation to stay in Japan and my instincts tell me it's a bad idea if I do stay. I'm half Canadian half English and I was thinking of moving to somewhere in Europe (UK or Nordics) or back to Canada. We haven't had the conversation yet, and if she does suddenly agree to move abroad I feel like I will be putting her in the same spot I was in. So the relationship seems to depend on me staying in Japan (assuming I'm able to get a job after I graduate). Thoughts?
Fragrant_Change_6188@reddit
Hey, funny enough I know this an old post for you now, but do you mind sharing why you don’t want to stay in Japan? I’m thinking about living there for a year or two to try it out and make genuine connections in that time.
hungry-axolotl@reddit
Sorry for the long reply.
That is funny haha. About Japan, it's a great country and I think you will enjoy it if you stayed for 1-2 years. But long term it might be difficult, depending on your goals and your attitude. In my case, my original goal was "I want to test living in Japan to see if I want to live here forever" and to do research. I like the research but staying forever? I'm not sure. I asked my friend, he's Japanese and speaks British English as a hobby, why don't you want to live in the UK? He said, "Because living in Japan is more comfortable and I'm Japanese". That's when I realized that many people just live where they live because it's comfortable (same language, similar culture, and family is nearby). So I thought, why am I trying so hard when I can live in a place that is easier for me? I was cheering for my local football team here, and Japanese are very very prideful of their hometowns. And tbh, I've picked this up trait too from my Japanese friends, and I found myself become increasingly conservative over time too lol.
There are concerns you have to think about if you want to stay forever as well. It's very hard to be an expat in a country that doesn't speak your language/culture, and it wore me down feeling a great distance between the culture inside me and society. Although I can still be part of society I would just have to find my role. Despite adapting to the culture quickly and improving my Japanese a bit, a part of me wanted to become "Japanese", by changing my inner culture or something, but I found that no matter how hard I tried, it is not possible. I was young and foolish, please excuse me haha. It became easier for me once I accepted that I am half Canadian half English and I cannot change it. Sadly I learned that race and culture do impact our lives and it's something out of our control. Your chances to assimilate into a different culture from what I've seen, is much easier if you are from a similar culture too (for example, Korean/Chinese assimilate faster in Japan or Canadians into British culture). I also want to have kids in the future so this concerns them too. Maybe by the time of my grandchildren would they be considered Japanese. If I had kids, for example with my gf (although I plan to break up with her soon since I don't think we are compatible as she wants to stay in Japan and I want to leave, and I don't want to waste her time), our kids would not be considered fully Japanese, it depends greatly on their situation how well they will do which will cause some hardships for them.
Lastly, Japanese society/culture if I had to simplify it, imagine a rice farming village where everyone has to work together and get along to survive. Now expand this village to the entire country, so Japan is actually the borders of the Japanese tribe. This I realized is the same for most countries in the world, that they are the borders of tribes. Except maybe countries like Canada where there is a "path" to be somewhat accepted as Canadian (but even now I question this). So now that I'm job hunting and planning to move to a different country, I'm considering which countries I have the best chance to adjust to their society, get a job, and have the shortest cultural distance to mine (cold&dark countries, language similar to English, have beer and cheese, similar communication styles/socializing etc). I am also from a small town, and I also want to move back to the countryside too haha
To live in Japan long-term, you will need a strong motivation to keep you here and essentially I lack motivation. But you're only going for 1-2 years, so you don't have to worry about any of this. Japan is still a great country, people are alright, have fun, make connections, and enjoy your time while you're there :)
Fragrant_Change_6188@reddit
Thank you for taking the time to reply. You touched on some philosophical concepts for sure. Appreciate the insight!
hungry-axolotl@reddit
You're welcome! If you do move, I hope it goes well
humpyelstiltskin@reddit
Hey there, in my case if I could I would have asked my previous gf to come with me and give it a try, even if temporarily. That wasn't possible for me, but might be in your case.
Maybe Japanese citizens are allowed a working holiday in CA? Or even any of those countries you mentioned. Honestly, I wouldn't want to stay, especially not before she tried the other side too.
hungry-axolotl@reddit
Thanks, I'll talk to her about and see what she says. And sorry I made a typo, I meant to say my only/biggest reason to stay in Japan is for my gf*
humpyelstiltskin@reddit
yeah I got it haha. good luck bro and follow your instincts 🍻
hungry-axolotl@reddit
Will do, cheers!
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
This is lovely, I’m glad you are happy now
Massive_Hippo_1736@reddit
I am dealing with thia right now. I was in your shoes four years ago and I have decided to give a try. And I am still here because I love my partner a lot, he is amazing human even after many years of relationahip. But I have to admit that I realized that I am suffering to ve far away from my home country. Its even not that I don't like here but there is a deep feeling that I am loosing my identity, I feel homesick. And its waving because I am happy and at least once a month comes a period of feeling very down. I don't know how will end this story but I am hoping that my view will change and I will feel like at home in both places because I love my partner a lot.
Impressive-Court-500@reddit
She got a surprise job offer and moved to Vienna, she wanted me to follow her and I decided to break up with her instead.
The relationship already had its problems.
The situation is/was sad but I still don't regret it. I feel like it would have been a huge mistake to sacrifice basically everything in my life for a relationship that I found often very stressful and not always very enjoyable due to various communication issues. I dodged a bullet, but I wish her well. I hope she's doing well.
I made a choice: I wanted my own life and to be happy (at least somewhat) independent of my relationship. I knew I would not be happy in Vienna, and certainly not with her. I don't regret my choice.
prolificer@reddit
I chose the place, zero regrets
nothing2Cmovealong1@reddit
If you are not happy now, resentment will continue to grow, which will likely strain the relationship to the point of failure.
If this 'the one' then some sort of compromise should be discussed that takes into account both peoples needs and goals.
Sometimes the best relationships just aren't meant to last. This is ok too and doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Ktjoonbug@reddit
I don't have any advice but I'm dealing with this decision right now too. :(
MDC08@reddit
I’m curious, is everyone on this specific thread American?
Ktjoonbug@reddit
I'm American and so is my husband. We have an interesting story in that we met in the US, moved abroad together (mutual decision) and now I want to move back to the US but he wants to stay where we moved. We are both multi generation Americans so no ties to the other country at all.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
We need a support group.
Extension-Dog-2038@reddit
Me too 😰😩
lez-duthis@reddit
x2
UnlikeliestAddendum@reddit
Yeah same. I was happy to read the question here, kept reading for advice
icarusunshine@reddit
Same
Weird-Taro-5151@reddit
I never had to make such a decision as I moved to a new country with my partner and we now return back together to our home country after 6 years.
For us it was mutual we wanted to return back so it was easy process BUT, if one of us wanted to stay here we would break up, no matter how hard it was. We had that difficult conversation and I was adamant if he wanted to stay I was close to depression so had to leave anyways. Luckily he felt the same.
The issue is, the place we live is not only a place: it is the friends, the emotions, the job, the food, the weather, etc. The partner is a part of life but not all of life. Cannot substitute for whole years you will spend somewhere.
Relationships break. Maybe not of course but this is unknown. No matter how in love, if everything else around you makes you miserable, love is not enough.
Also many horror stories having child somewhere you resent, then breaking up and being trapped in a place you hate for years to come.
For me we should always choose place - of course if the place we currently live is well tested and we cannot stand being there anymore or even imagine getting retired there.
If a relationship is good for us, we should have same goals. If no, life happens, we move on and better things will come.
Life is too short to spend it somewhere we don't really feel at home.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
You mention being stuck somewhere after having a child and that is absolutely one of my biggest fears.
dallyan@reddit
I chose the relationship and I regret it immensely. I would tell women to never forego a career for a man. Ever.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing better now ❤️
Flat_Ad1094@reddit
I haven't had to do this so I can't really advise. But for me? It would be more important to live where i am happiest and content. I can't see that I could love one person SO much to sacrifice my whole life circumstances for them. But that's me.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I think we are actually very similarly minded here – I have historically always prioritised my own development in making these decisions and have tried to stay away from hinging my happiness on romantic relationships. This is the first time I have really struggled with a choice like this, which is also why I partly feel that this relationship is different somehow. I know I will move on, but right now it all feels deeply unfair.
Extension-Dog-2038@reddit
Love this
nicodea2@reddit
I met my now wife in her country while I was an international student. We got married, she moved to my country and was quite apprehensive at first but gave it a shot because at the time I had a good job and she didn’t. The place grew on her and she started to thrive.
Few years later, she felt homesick and missed her family so we decided to move to her country which I’m not really a fan of. We’ve given that a few years and her country has now grown on me. Now we’re both ambivalent about which of our countries we’d live in. We’re also at the stage where we can both look at our home countries and agree objectively on the pros and cons of each (while in the past our emotional biases overshadowed any rational discussion).
Looking back, the key thing is that we both wanted to make our relationship work and were open to change and the discomfort associated with it. In the long-run, we’ve both become more adaptable and we’re even flirting with the idea of moving to a third country just to experience something different. We’re in our mid 30s.
The questions you need to ask are a) how special is this relationship? and b) are you (and her) willing to keep an open mind to adapting to a new place?
Another thing to consider is the specific reasons you feel miserable at your current place. Is there a different city that you could move to where you’d feel happier? Or even a different neighbourhood within the same city? We once made the move from suburbia to an inner city vibrant neighbourhood and the difference in our quality of life was stark. Commuting went way down, and walkability and health went up. Popping in to the nearest cafes, restaurants, and board game cafes anytime we wanted was peak living.
After you’ve described something as “the best relationship of my life”, you’d definitely want to see if you can make it work in your new place.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
This is an amazing answer, thank tou
Odd-Shift5355@reddit
Perfect answer +1 this!
b4Icum@reddit
I was afraid of regret.
Regretting that she could be my life partner and that I was going to choose safety and comfort over being with her, and questioning myself what if? I understood quickly that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't take this chance.
So I dropped everything for her and for the chance to see it she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I knew that if it didn't work out I can just go back, and tell myself that I tried and that I gave it my all, but that it just wasn't meant to be.
I got lucky, she's the one.
Intelligent-Cup1503@reddit
What a great story !
I'm in a similar position, I want to have more courage to give up my PhD and get back with my ex-girlfriend in my country home :(
Lazy-Delivery-1898@reddit
PhD is temporary! You should do your PhD then join her after!
phillyphilly19@reddit
I don't think that's a good decision at all.Sorry.
zucs_zags@reddit
I wwas in a similar situation. I got married in my home country and then we moved abroad. I loved the new country, the new experience, the new work… but my partner did not. At a certain point, I had to make a decision between staying and going back without fully experiencing/living what my instincts were saying to me to give it a try. I chose to stay. However, I suspect that this situation was only the catalyst for an already failing relationship. Now, I am an expat and happily married to a native, with two children. I am content with my family, my job, and at peace with my decision. During my darkest moments, I trusted my instincts, and it has paid off.
starryfrog3@reddit
We found a happy medium by moving to a country that isn't home for either of us. We've made it our home and visit family & friends when we can. We chose that compromise but I know it's not for everyone.
Our logic was just being on equal grounds, it wasn't fair of me to expect them to want to stay in my home country if I wasn't willing to relocate to theirs, and vice-versa. So we just thought moving somewhere else completely would be fair ground for both :) And it's been working out great
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I really like this idea. Are you expecting this to be a long term, or even permanent move?
starryfrog3@reddit
Yes! For now we are happy! We don't know what the future holds, but making it a permanent move is within the plans! It's already been long term-ish? We've been abroad for 5+ years. :)
juicyjuicery@reddit
Chose the place. Haven’t looked back 🤙
Ladies: NEVER move or stay for a man, especially not without a ring
fractalmom@reddit
If you are not happy in that country, do not stay. Especially if you have strong family ties. Relationships evolve and when one partner is not happy it ruins both people’s life.
heylookoverthere_@reddit
I've stayed, bought a flat with him, and learned to embrace that no matter where I live I'll be missing a little bit of myself. It's not a feeling I'm unfamiliar with, I've been an expat and immigrant my whole life and loss is a big part of the identity.
I didn't stay for him, though. If he was literally the only reason to stay, that wouldn't be fair on either of us. I have friends here and a job that I enjoy and hobbies that I take part in regularly. And while I don't think I'll like the lifestyle forever, right now it suits me.
Over time, he's also grown to love my country, but was (it is also a 24 hour flight away). Wages and lifestyle are better where I come from, but for now this is seems like the better option for both of us.
say-what-you-will@reddit
Esther Perel (a famous psychologist) said that what contributes most to our happiness and a good life is healthy relationships. So there you go, happy relationships are the most importantly thing in life, if you find one you should hold onto it, and put up with the rest, because it’s completely worth it.
Embarrassed_Bar_1215@reddit
Yeah, the issue with doing this is that relationships can and do change over time. What's great once, isn't necessarily always, and if one person sacrifices too much, and it doesn't work out, then they're in a bad situation. Balance is key
Owl_lamington@reddit
Yup people do change but healthy communication and respect helps with this.
crazyabootmycollies@reddit
I was FINALLY making enough money to quietly escape my ex and then our daughter was conceived. I had a friend from high school living in the northern part of the country who left her boyfriend here to return home ~5-6 years ago because she was so deeply unhappy with Australia(the locals mostly).
Traditional_Ad2457@reddit
If you are not happy in the current country where you are living in, you’ll end up unhappy with your relationship also. Hence I would move to a country I like and try to find there another partner with similar interests.
what1226@reddit
You will likely always miss part of your home country. And being with someone who is a 24 hour flight away from that, one of you will always have to sacrifice that.
If this person's values match yours and they feel like the one, maybe you can find a new home in their presence.
If you are feeling so homesick though, you can meet other people, I feel like we have many possible matches in our lives. How special is this person?
Jack8Jack@reddit
Decide what type of life you want for yourself and then choose a partner that fits it. Otherwise, you may end up resenting s/he at the lows of your relationship (and those will come). It may well be that your goal is simply to be with a certain someone regardless of career or country in which case go for it. In the end there is no “wrong” decision, there is only “your” decision so make sure you know what’s important for you and go for it!
D-Delta@reddit
Terrible. She was Swiss. We married after three years of dating and she moved to California to be with me. I made good money and we lived in a great area. She complained constantly. Nothing is as good as Switzerland. I'll never ever do that again.
zypet500@reddit
My partner made different choices each time. The first time, he left a long relationship and chose the place and career. The second time, he chose me and left his lifelong dream career.
if you stay for the person, or deprioritize yourself for the person, you have to be sure this person’s presence in your life will make you more happy than being in where you want to be but alone.
If not, choose where you want to be and even though you don’t see it yet, you’ll eventually get over it and find someone else aligned with your life long term. That’s what I chose once, and I’ve seen others make this choice.
Anecdotally, I’ve seen bigger successes with those who chose themselves and what they want, than those who chose the person and live somewhere they struggle with.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I think “deprioritize yourself for the person” is a deeply accurate, but usually unspoken way of framing this.
Ermich12@reddit
For sure. Well put.
HVP2019@reddit
What was your initial reason to leave your family, your home country and migrate to your new country where you meet your partner?
Is this because you weren’t completely happy in your home country do you became an immigrant?
Are you sure you will be completely happy at home now?
What changed about your home country?
Those are examples of a question I suggest to ask yourself. Try to find honest answers.
Horror-Cicada687@reddit (OP)
I left originally for a work opportunity that was too good to pass on, and had always intended to return within a few years.
phoenixchimera@reddit
Done it twice. one mistake. Once I should have stayed in the foreign country and didn’t (having stayed there would have given me certain advantages later regardless of what would have happened in that relationship) so there are regrets there.
The last time I left bc he could not step up as a partner, and while there were still certain advantages to the country it wasn’t a mistake given that it’s become and becoming more hostile to non native born and natively ethnic individuals.
PurpleWLF@reddit
My advice to you is to weigh in what makes you happier and do the compromise that way, are you unhappy with the current country you're in if so ask yourself why, is it avoidable or fixable or can you be happy there , also ask yourself are you able to ignore it and will your partner will make up for it and will moving back eliminate the unhappiness ? Then you'll have your answers Wich only yourself could provide
myfeetaredownhere@reddit
I ended a 5 year relationship when I emigrated. I don’t regret my choice.
DifferentWindow1436@reddit
You've got to have those conversations up front, or at least, before things are getting really serious.
Before I met my (now) wife, I had a plan to leave Japan in about a year. It wasn't an exact timeframe. I told her after we had been dating for I think a month or two. She was initially a bit irritated but since I didn't have a clear date and it wasn't like it was really near term, we got through that conversation. It also framed a major life decision and event so she knew that was part of the deal.
We ended up getting married and didn't leave Japan for 3 years. But we did go. And came back several years later!
Lost_Swim9484@reddit
I also met my partner abroad and at times would love to go home. We’re engaged now though and getting married in April and I’ve come to leave with him being my home to be honest.
Now if I was incredibly unhappy that would be different, but thankfully I’m not.
rainbakingday@reddit
Sometimes choosing yourself can lead to greater happiness in the long run