How did YOU improve your self esteem?
Posted by SerendipitousCrow@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 131 comments
I'm not going to throw a pity party and tell you all about it but I'm becoming more and more aware my self esteem is terrible
Anyone have experiences of building self worth?
ideaParticles@reddit
I totally get where you’re coming from. Building self-esteem is a slow, real process — not some overnight fix. What helped me was starting small with a daily gratitude practice. I’d list three things I was grateful for each day, and that shifted my focus from what was wrong to what was working. I also kept a list of good things about myself, and every week I’d read it aloud. At first, it felt weird, but over time those words started to sink in. Setting tiny, achievable goals made a big difference too — even simple wins like getting out of bed on time or finishing a task gave me a bit more confidence. I learned to practice self-compassion; when I messed up, instead of beating myself up, I talked to myself like I would to a close friend. Using tools like Reconstruct helped me build mental habits and practice new ways of thinking without feeling overwhelmed. It’s definitely tough, but the key is consistency and kindness to yourself. The fact that you’re already aware and want to improve means you’re doing the hard part. Keep going!
Blackintosh@reddit
Start doing things for you.
Not what you think will make others respect you, admire or validate you. Things that will make YOU validate you.
I always wanted to be able to do a backflip but it was what other, "athletic" people did. I was a chubby kid who did no sport. At 35 I did my first backflip. It's no use to my career or relationships but I was proud as fuck anyway because it's something I always wanted to do and nobody else could have told me doing a backflip doesn't feel awesome.
So yeah, do things for you. That you'd be proud of even if nobody else in the world ever knew about them. And not like once a month or something. Try to do something, however small, that you are proud of every day ideally. Don't post it on social media. Don't spend ages reading how to "best" or most efficiently do whatever it is. Just do it. Even if it's learning to sew dresses for barbie dolls or dancing to 80s minimalist european house music.
If you've always wanted to be an artist then pick up a pencil and paper and start drawing. Don't research the best pencils or techniques, just do it yourself and enjoy learning and progressing using your own mind. Replace drawing and pencils with whatever YOU are interested in.
Dont have a long term plan for it, don't try to figure out how to monetise it. Basically just don't create conditions around the things you do that will set out a goal that defines success or failure. You can't fail at doing things you enjoy.
This is what people really mean when they say "it's OK to make mistakes". Some of us feel like all we make is mistakes, but really the ideal situation is to realise that "mistakes" are just learning what doesn't work which is a part of the puzzle of finding out what DOES work for you.
lia__lila@reddit
These words are golden! Thank you
hildebrot@reddit
What if you realize that the reason you are unhappy is because you simply have nobody to share your life with? At some point doing things for myself started feeling pointless, hollow. Because when that is the only thing I experience it stops being enough. Life just feels pointless when you have to live it alone (and having friends you don't have much in common with is equivalent to being alone I have found).
selflearningdatabase@reddit
Just know that even reflecting on this is a big deal and it’s a sign that you’re moving in the right direction. For me, I tried to unwind my value from external things and focus on the internal. If I can keep it to things in my control, like being kind or compassionate, then slowly I could start to heal my view of myself.
videogamesarewack@reddit
Create some different outfits so I can dress intentionally, in ways that fit my style while also fitting the theme of where I'm going. Being able to express yourself with some effort in your appearance is underrated, especially by "band/nerd shirt and jeans" types.
Treat myself like my best friend. I make plans with myself - distinct from by myself. Of I'm by myself, I'll happily take someone else along, or change plans for someone else. If I'm with myself I place that at very high priority, and am reluctant to reschedule. I try to do these types of plans once a week or so.
Stand up for myself. Often this means not giving in to apologise in an argument where I feel like I acted in accordance to my values. I found I used to apologise readily and often, to smooth over situations, manage other people's feelings, and maintain relationships due to a fear of abandonment. Equally, if someone wishes to leave your life, do not beg. Let them go. It feels colder to me, but I feel more comfortable by not betraying myself.
Make promises with myself and keep them. This is a skill that needs to be cultivated. Start small. I will go on this treadmill for one minute. You get on that treadmill for one minute and then get off. Your subconscious learns when you trick it and lie to it. You need to build trust with yourself. This helps you trust your own judgement.
Practice making decisions for yourself, and fairly evaluating the outcomes. Do not ask for advice for people to make decisions for you. If you have low self esteem you may find yourself letting other people make choices for you. In social situations this presents as "I'm happy to do whatever you want to do" but it can also be asking people about if you should buy a certain item of clothing, or deciding what you should eat tonight.
Reflect on yourself fairly and honestly. If you have done something impressive, that you would congratulate a friend for, you have to congratulate yourself. Even if you fell short of a goal, if as far as you got is good, you need to acknowledge it. Equally, you need to be harsh to yourself in fair measure when you don't live up to your values. This doesn't mean self harming and self deprivation, but if you do something wrong you don't fuck with, you have to make amends and work to do better in the future, you can't just let yourself off with excuses. Hold yourself accountable to a reasonable degree. This works similarly to building trust in an authority that does not punish unjustly.
Due_Version195@reddit
In "stand up for myself": saying you don't apologise for things if you feel like you acted in accordance with your values sounds like a smart and nice way of saying that you don't apologise for being a asshole as long as you think you're right.
videogamesarewack@reddit
Honestly, kind of? There's some nuance.
Sometimes, we're an asshole to people because we're in a bad mood or say something poorly or we do something without consideration of the ramifications. These are moments where someone may tell us we've hurt their feelings, and upon reflection we can see that, and also we may see we acted in ways that we don't agree with. These are moments to apologise. We've done wrong by someone and want to rectify that.
Equally, if we are intentionally an asshole, meaning we want to upset someone, we shouldn't apologise just for appeasement. Maybe if later we regret our actions we should say sorry. Otherwise, it's I said what I said.
However, let's say you and I are good friends, and you say something blatantly racist to our third friend. I start an argument with you, and we fall out. I can apologise to you for how I acted, and you'll forgive me and we'll continue our friendship, but that then means I place maintaining a relationship with a person over my own value of "don't say racist things to my friend."
Practically though in real life situations, it can look like a friend or a family member falls out with you for something unreasonable, and they do things like give silent treatment or withhold something from you until you apologise. A classic would be a shithead parent giving you the cold shoulder because you went to the other parents house for Christmas this year (clearly, a real scenario), and expect you to apologise for wanting to spent Christmas with your other parent.
It's about assessing whether you're apologising because you did something wrong and yo7 want to rectify it, or you're apologising to smooth something over. You can still apologise if you think what you did was okay but it hurt someone else and you don't understand why, but part of that involves understanding the reasoning and agreeing that what you did was bad even if you didn't see it that way. Sometimes, people really do pick problems with us for no reason, and it's not our job to manage other people's feelings.
rabbithole-xyz@reddit
Smile at yourself in the mirror. Sounds stupid, but it helps. I used to ask strangers for the time, obviously that doesn't work any more. Maybe ask directions to a big shop close by? I was terribly shy when I was young. Now I'm old enough to NGAF.
durkheim98@reddit
Get in the gym and hit the weights. May not be a silver bullet but gives you a sense of control over your life and you get to see yourself visibly improve bit by bit.
Years ago I fell into a deep depressive rut after a breakup and the weights helped me get back to where I needed to be.
KezzyKesKes@reddit
100% this. Plus pushing yourself to smash your previous PR. Gives you discipline and also for a good 2 hours you can punish yourself physically and get a lot of the negativity out.
I don’t do so much for looking good these days but more to shut my negative thoughts and anxiety up.
Smiley_Dub@reddit
Very definitely this. 100%
durkheim98@reddit
Yeah definitely the mental health boost. Even if everything is going badly that day, you can smash it in the gym.
CrimpsShootsandRuns@reddit
Yeah my first thought was 'get ripped'. Nothing improves self esteem like seeing fet disappear and muscles growing.
Ok-Swordfish-8272@reddit
I'm trying now to avoid the default negativity of podcasts, the internet etc and find voices that persue excellence. Any suggestions?
Abacus_Mode@reddit
Check your inner voice. Is it overly harsh? Does it catastrophise? Is it pessimistic? If you simply see something and expect it to be bad/negative outcome then ask yourself immediately to think about the positives and upsides. Also if you think something can go wrong what steps can you take to minimize the impact? Then feel good that you are great at evaluating and preparing for the worse whilst expecting the best.
Additional_Jaguar170@reddit
Exercise.
I started running. Not only did I get that sweet dopamine hit of runners high, but as I got fitter and started running longer distances it built confidence.
Confidence comes from overcoming challenges. It was hard but once you have got through the wall at 20 miles of a marathon, you realise there is not much you cannot overcome if you just keep going.
devil_heart33@reddit
I dress sharply almost all the time. Specially in the office where it actually matters to have a self esteem. I get lot of comments on my style and that makes my day full of confidence. (I'm a man btw so may be I have to do a lot less than a woman, fashion wise, but still I like to take some efforts.)
ihavebeenmostly@reddit
This is truelly an investment in yourself.
devil_heart33@reddit
100%
iamgina2020@reddit
I agree, for both men and women, dressing sharp is definitely a confidence boost. Even with no compliments we still feel good.
Fun-Possible-1769@reddit
Same bro, its great to stand out and even if i act humble i secretly love the compliments.
ahhwhoosh@reddit
I really struggle with compliments. I like to fly under the radar, but stand out at the same time. Impossible I know
pineappleshampoo@reddit
this workbook is fantastic. Really high quality, and available to anyone.
One of mine is not to take criticism to heart from anyone you wouldn’t ask advice from. Be protective of your peace. Be open to hearing things but don’t let every little thing pierce your heart or sense of self, especially if it comes from someone who hasn’t proven themselves to be a source worth listening to. Opinions are like arseholes.
ClemKarma@reddit
Second these workbooks! I worked through them last year with a therapist and it really helped with breaking down what was happening in my thoughts vs reality
nataliedoodle@reddit
practice saying 1 good thing about yourself everyday
afungalmirror@reddit
There is no "self". The self is a useful fiction our brains create to help us navigate our bodies through the world. Introspection is an unfortunate side effect of complexity. Self esteem/worth/care etc are basically just marketing tools used to make us feel in adequate so we will consume more. Be happy in the present moment, effortlessly.
coderqi@reddit
What?
afungalmirror@reddit
Try to find your "self". You won't be able to.
Darion_tt@reddit
Honestly, the best thing you can do is practice the art of not giving a fuck about other people. I don’t mean become a prick to everyone, simply not giving a fuck about the never changing good or bad opinions of others. The less you give about other people, the quicker you realise, that it’s not necessarily an issue of low self-esteem, but a diminished sense of self-worth, as a result of the opinions of others on you. Keep it around in your mind whenever you start thinking about self-defeating thoughts, fuck that. Pretty soon, the negative, self-defeating thoughts won’t even be able to take route. Just as your brain was a subconsciously trained to hate on you, you’ll first, stop the thoughts from running in the first place, then, you’ll start having a better sense of birth. Trust me, did it, it works.
Quick-Cattle-7720@reddit
Set boundaries and stand by them.
Don't undermine your feelings, beliefs or values for others. You tell your subconscious mind that you are not as important as other people every time you do this.
Don't overstretch yourself doing things for others, especially if it takes time or resources from you being able to meet your own needs.
Learn to say No. A good way to give yourself space to do that is to say 'I will have to get back to you later' or 'I need to check my diary'. Phrases like that allow you to not feel pressured into saying yes. You can walk away and then send a message later saying you are unable to do it (or however you want to word it).
When you make promises or commitments to yourself, go through with them.
Invest time into yourself. This can be self-care, exercise, wearing nice clothes, hobbies. Anything that is important to you or brings you joys.
Feed yourself in the best way you can depending on finances /ability to cook. This tells yourself you are worth time and effort.
Cut out things or people that make you feel bad, overwhelmed or are negative around you.
Every time you do these things you tell yourself you are valuable, worthy and important. These acts of self-love increase feelings of esteem and confidence over time. They also demonstrate how you expect to be treated by others.
RevFernie@reddit
I found it in education and training.
PowerApp101@reddit
Get Turkey teeth?
leclercwitch@reddit
I like looking nice. Sometimes I just do my hair and makeup and try new colours and styles for no reason. To go nowhere. I’ll do a face mask, and dance in my towel.
I’ve learned that even if I don’t really want to dance in my towel, or try that new lipstick, it does elevate me. Also, the act of doing my hair or makeup is therapeutic and kills time.
Sometimes playing dress up like you’re a kid again is so fun and nice. And id reckon even if you’re a guy, trying on that suit you have, or doing your beard different, or doing a face mask even, can really elevate your mood and help you begin to like yourself. Self care, grooming, stuff like that, is a huge part of my routine now that I actively look forward to seeing my clean fresh skin after a bath. It’s changed my outlook on myself after a lifetime of suffering from acne and being bullied for it. So as an adult, seeing the difference even if it’s small works wonders for my self esteem. I used to put everything on someone finding me worthy. Not anymore. Just small acts of self care really does help me see my own worth and raises my self esteem.
-WhatCouldGoWrong@reddit
This wont be for everyone, you didnt provide details so this is just about body image.. so in case its that
HIT. (High Intensity Training) look im not gonna try to sell you a get ripped quick scheme or something like yo buy this meal replacement or these nutrients blah blah blah crap therese are a few things you can do at home for free in your own space and time
I'm just gonna write 5 simple exercises you can do tomorrow. It will fucking suckbut this is your own time your own pace, try to stick with it
5 x pressups. Do it from the knees or full if you can
5 x situps. If you need to pull your legs towards you and then roll up. Cool. Its not perfect but its a start
5 x star jumps
5 x squats
plank as long as you can even if its just a few seconds
Do these things as fast as you possibly can. If you can do it without breaking at all to catch your breath or shake out the lactic acid awesome. Your aim is to get this little workout however fast you can do it. Then whittle it down over days or weeks so its super easy for you to do. a minute or two in the morning and a minute or two in the evening
As you feel a little bit more confident about the things you need to do on this list start thinking about which muscles hurt when you do it. Try a few things to stretch those muscles before you do it
Once its all superlocked down in your head and you feel like your body is handling it super easy. Start increasing the number of things you do. 10 pressups. 10 situps etc etc
maybe add more things to your little by now 10min workout in the morning and 10min workout in the evening
For me (yes I'm super shallow super vain when it comes to me) I gain a lot of confidence form the way I look, which gives me confidence to talk about things I'm not so secure about. I guess thats self esteem (or narcissim). I believe in my self from this super shallow stand point. But great things come from that little bit of investing into your own confidence
Its super shallow I know. But I dont know if this is your self esteem issue so if it is I hope this helps
1234ideclareathunbwa@reddit
Side note but this title is absolutely giving daily mail 😂
Bilbo_Buggin@reddit
I also struggle with this, and still do. One thing I really try to do it accept people’s compliments and believe them. Whether it’s someone saying they like your hair or that you’re great at your job. Accept it and believe it!
Amazing_Estate3666@reddit
Yes that is great advice. It's also offensive not to accept a compliment; you are calling the person insincere.
riddo22@reddit
That's exactly what I say when people compliment me!
Bilbo_Buggin@reddit
Exactly! Once I changed my mindset, it really did help! I genuinely don’t think most people hand out compliments without meaning them either.
Bubblecum666@reddit
The writing is a nice thing to do. It takes practice until you get to understand them, but you will get there.
I did a lot of little things that I could do for my friends/for my job, that ended up in a good result, so I would feed myself from that "I can do it, it's good"
But I think the hard part was to understand what I want to stand by, like my believes, how I want to be as a person, and follow that for me, cause it's personal. After a while, the results, the satisfaction adds to the confidence you will present yourself with, cause I do believe that is what it takes (sometimes you can even fake it till you make it ahaha). Repeating the process, until it will get to do it without noticing it.
i8bullies@reddit
Win a load of money
SirTimmons@reddit
Just stopped giving a shit about what I thought people may think of me. Don’t like me? Not my fucking problem.
Geoffstibbons@reddit
Make changes. Learn something, put yourself under pressure. If what you do doesn't give you something back, do something else
3headsonaspike@reddit
I read a book which made me realise my extremely negative inner monologue wasn't real. Once that mental noise was cleared it allowed a nascent self esteem to grow.
AffectionateFig9277@reddit
I learned in therapy to identify that voice and give it a name. I named it Sylvana cause that was the girl who bullied me in school, telling me I wasn't good enough to have any friends. Now when I hear that voice in my head say "they're all looking at you and judging you LOL" I can say Sylvana, STFU. I don't know how but having that psychological separation really makes it easier to deal with. Not every voice in your head is YOU. Sometimes it's the echo of what others have said to you, and you don't have to listen to it. Like you said, not everything your mind tells you is real. You don't have to believe it.
ThunderChild247@reddit
I call mine “stupid brain”, makes it easier to ignore.
ToriaLyons@reddit
Watch Hi Ren - it covers internal monologue incredibly well.
Upstairs-Career4156@reddit
What’s the name of the book? Pls share!
3headsonaspike@reddit
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
rofairy@reddit
I ironically started saying over the top positive things about myself and it got to the point where it made me more positive.
I thought if negative self talk does that, why doesn’t the opposite work too?
Zubi_Q@reddit
Therapy really helped
mystical-universe@reddit
It could be stemming from certain childhood incidents which can be addressed in (hypno)therapy.
Those incidents would have influenced your subconscious mind to believe you have low self esteem. Amongst various other uses, Hypnotherapy helps in working with the subconscious mind to remove limiting beliefs.
pocahontasjane@reddit
Fake it til you feel it
eddie_temple50large@reddit
sleep with loads of pretty women 7s minimum
jesuseatsbees@reddit
I once read on a similar thread, "find something you're good at, and do it." And that's what I did. Retrained for a new job, picked up some hobbies. Not a quick fix but my self esteem and confidence rocketed.
ronaldo16@reddit
When in university, I started to practice a sport (swimming) and kept at it. I think that helped me.
_cosmicsans@reddit
Other than daily or weekly gratitude lists, which have been helpful for me. The best thing has been to always make an effort in my appearance. I always wear clean clothes into work & if I’m going into a busy environment. Brushed and styled hair, perfume, clean socks etc.
It makes me feel good about myself and in turn, gives me a certain confidence because other people can perceive me as “put-together”.
Millsinabox@reddit
I've been overweight for my adult life, always had a belly and not tall. I hated swimming in public because I hated my body. I was travelling with a friend and we were doing a pool day with some new friends we met in the hostel - everyone there was basically a model, super fit etc. on the way to the pool I'm telling my friend that I'm nervous and how Ive got low esteem. And he basically said "no one cares, no one is looking at you, no one will be thinking about your body just enjoy yourself" - I don't know what about that stuck but it worked. Since then I've been confident in my skin and just be happy.
Desperate-Badger-299@reddit
Fake it till u make it
Certain-Hunter-1210@reddit
There’s a lot of sense in what Amy Cuddy explains. Actually the action of doing is a better motivation than the act of will power etc.. so I say just get doing something
Certain-Hunter-1210@reddit
Sounds counterintuitive but I go out in shabby clothes more often than not. I genuinely care nothing for smart clothes as they’re over priced bollox and Reddit!… bad for the environment..tick your woke boxes..
Self esteem isnt about possessions or how you look
rtrance@reddit
Gained 20kg of muscle
Stopped giving a fuck what other people thought of me
Lion_100@reddit
Gymming helped me and positive self talk
Willy-Sshakes@reddit
Everyone is living their one life. All you really have control over is your internal mind. Everything else that happens around you is out of your control, but you control how you react or feel about it. Make your mind a well oiled machine and manage yourself. Easier said than done, but try with the small day to day stuff first. You wake up and tell yourself that you matter rather than focus on the negative. The mind is a powerful thing you sexy fucker
himit@reddit
honestly the biggest thing for me was accepting that I'm just not super important. Like I'm not the main character in anybody else's story but my own.
Which makes it okay to not be perfect, because it doesn't matter. So just be me, just be happy.
Oddly enough, that gave me a lot of confidence, and made it possible for me to seek improvement over time. I suppose it removed the pressure.
ClassicTumbleweed943@reddit
I hated my own reflection. Zero self esteem. Keep it simple. You reap what you sow. Want self esteem? Do esteemable things. Selflessly and unconditionally help others. Then the hard part is waiting for the spiritual dividends to start paying you back. In my experience I can’t stop the flood, which keeps me trying to selflessly help more. It’s an awesome ride at life’s fairground.
soggy_person_@reddit
Listening to Self Esteem! Thanks RLT ❤️
caniuserealname@reddit
It's not going to solve it on it's own; but it's worth remembering when you're finding ways to improve your self esteem that it's your self esteem.
When making a list of all the good things about yourself, remember thats it's thing you like about you; don't worry about things that you think might impress others and don't ignore things you don't think would impress others.
Don't worry about impressing other people until after you're happy with yourself.
eevee_lunar@reddit
I took up yoga to try and give myself something I could be proud of. Four years and I’ve still got a regular practice, I’ve improved my fitness and well-being and I’ve got a little community I’m a part of. Spiritual readings really help me as well. I heard one in the week that really resonated with me, about how the annoying self-doubt voice in your head won’t always go away with time; rather, you’ve got to make the conscious decision to act in a way that the most mature version of you would. So I’ve been asking myself in difficult situations, who do I want to be? How would that person act in this situation? Hope this helps. Good luck x
HisLoba97@reddit
Doing the things that make me happy. I tried to fit the social norm but that won't ever be me and I've been happier just being me
PM-ME-YOUR-DIGIMON@reddit
Cut off the people that made me feel bad about myself.
Time_Pineapple4991@reddit
This is going to sound really corny but I watched Mob Psycho 100 and I feel like it completely rewired my brain in that sense lol.
In one episode, Reigen tells Mob: “After all, the truth behind one's charm is kindness. So just be a good person.” and I mostly try to stick to that.
HotButteredBagel@reddit
cnrk3n@reddit
Try to achive somethings in long term. Could be career, great body, new language or being good at some sport. If you feel like you can focus on that thing and getting on with that. Eventually it opens other doors. Besides this, if you prioritise yourself and manage your time with general routine, it will help you. Atleast this worked for me
IndustrialPet@reddit
Faked it til I made it. Still have to when it wobbles sometimes. Also as I've gotten older I've noticed three things which help a lot.
aaron2933@reddit
I still have a way to go but I started spending 20 minutes every evening looking in the mirror and confronting my feelings and why I feel the way I do, reviewing the good and bad things that happened during the day, etc
Accompanied with meditating, working out, getting enough sleep
TankLocal@reddit
I just don't care what people think of me. I am me and you either like me or you don't.
In 100 years from now, no one will even remember my existence so theres no need to feel like I need to impress others.
Stay in your lane and just do you
Effective-Ad-7495@reddit
I've skimmed through this and everyone seems to be saying the same thing, hit the gym and dress sharp, whatever sharp is to you, I'm a 30m and started working out for the first time in my life 10 months ago, going from skinny fat to 'good average' and just wearing whatever I want has changed everything, confidence is key but it's a gradual thing, buy that stupid t shirt, try that wierd jumper, nobody really cares, your perception of yourself is always so much deeper than reality and having a consistent gym/work routine has changed my view on myself entirely, first few weeks fucking suck, so do the next 50, but I promise you after the first 16 you will be kicking yourself you didn't start earlier.
(To guys that are already in great shape and feel this way, try shrooms)
WiseBelt8935@reddit
i just tried to embrace the principle of Stoic/Christian philosophy.
mainly are you trying to follow the path of virtue? trying is all that can be asked. if something can't be fixed? then it isn't worth thinking about. if something can be fixed then do.
“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together,but do so with all your heart.”
"God provides the wind, Man must raise the sail."
bluntbangs@reddit
I'm currently reading "your competent child" and it differentiates between self esteem and self confidence. Self esteem is our feeling that we are worth being here, being loved, just as we are, not for what we can do or how we present to the world. Self confidence is the feeling that we can do things, and high and confidence is that we can do difficult things even if we don't succeed at first.
So how I work with my self esteem is simply by being kind to myself, by treating myself as I want others to treat me, accepting me and loving me simply for being.
To work on my self confidence I notice when I do things, take time to acknowledge when I've worked to succeed, and try to push myself to take on new challenges.
So do you struggle with loving yourself and setting that boundary for people you have in your life, or do you struggle with believing that you can achieve what you decide to do?
lucymaryjane@reddit
Cocaine definitely helps
porspeling@reddit
Helps turn you into the most annoying version of yourself
lucymaryjane@reddit
Only if you’re already that way inclined…
ellie___@reddit
Like fr? Just in the moment or does the effect linger?
lucymaryjane@reddit
Fades pretty quick that’s why people get addicted… but it can unlock parts of your psyche some people may never get round too.
Enough-Ad3818@reddit
I looked at the reasons I didn't like myself, and then looked at which of them I could change.
As it happened, most of them. Attitude changes, weight/physical changes, and a couple of work/life changes were all in my control. So I did them all, one at a time, over the space of about 4 years.
Even after just making two of the smaller alterations, I was so much happier, and that gave me the motivation to look at some of the bigger ones.
I wrote a bucket list, and am nearly done with it. I started this process aged 23, when I realised after years of playing in bands, and playing ice hockey, that I was neither going to be in a hit rock band, nor get drafted by the NHL. I'm now 41, and couldn't be more different from my 23yo self. I really enjoy my life now.
amzy_apparently@reddit
I really struggle with it as well still but one thing I remember hearing is that self loathing, having low self esteem, people pleasing etc is pointless. Because if everyone acted that way, no one would ever be happy, so what would be the point? And the rules are no different for you than anyone else, because logically, why would they? If other people are allowed to be imperfect, or put themselves first, or have self respect, then so are you.
kins98@reddit
Gym and being open to getting harassed in the club
Matt_Moto_93@reddit
"being open to getting harassed" - what does that mean?
kins98@reddit
Not being too resistant to random advances, within reason
Matt_Moto_93@reddit
Gotcha. I suppose some attention is ok, then you suss out the person and work out who they really are?
PutSimply1@reddit
There's a simple answer for this, you must improve your capability
Now, capability to do what, the answer to that is anything that is meaningful to you
For example I started going to the gym and this was when bodybuilding came in really strong on social media, some years ago, everyone got on that wagon and i gave it a go, i improved myself (not to bodybuilding levels for sure, but better) and i had no self esteem boost from it, i mean sure maybe a little
Totally randomly, i changed to strength, i became really strong for my bodyweight...suddenly, my self esteem skyrocketed, even areas that were unrelated, like...in school studying and things, it was super weird
But the point is, being strong meant something to me, still does, and i became really good in that capability. From this 'trophy' i became good at other things, my confidence grew, then i had confidence to ask questions in lectures and study harder and it goes on
So improve a skill that is meaningful to you and own it, when describing yourself, be able to say "i'm frigging awesome at THIS"
it seems unrelated and indirect, but self esteem is built upon our ability to do things, the word itself 'esteem' comes from worth or reputation, you improve worth via capability and then people recognise it giving reputation, that's the ticket
Good luck!
thesteelmaker@reddit
My self esteem is as low as i think it could be. I have just eaten 2 custard tarts and a 200g bag of Maltesers, that didn't put a smile on my face. Now I just have a need for two cups of tea.
Matt_Moto_93@reddit
For me, I like to set about accomplishing something. Do some gardening stuff maybe (I find looking out n a clean and tidy garden makes me feel good about the work I put in), or maybe get some small chores done. Having tangible acheivments gives me something to measure myself against and I can say "I can't be so bad, I did this and that and those things and I did them well". My self-esteem is pretty shit too OP, I'm mostly convinced I'm worthless unless I'm providing a good service to someone or something.
karennotkaren1891@reddit
Came here for tips. Hated myself since I was 8. 33 now and still in therapy. Maybe I never will have self esteem
Skyersjet_II@reddit
I realised that if you dress well, keep in shape and have some savings you are automatically in the top 20%. The bar is lower than you think.
SamVimesBootTheory@reddit
In my case it was 'whoops turns out you're AuDHD and here's some medication fro the ADHD so you're not constantly overwhelmed and anxious all the time as it turns out a large chunk of your shitty self esteem was the result of being unmedicated'
Like I still have some self esteem issues but I'm generally a lot calmer currently and it's a lot easier not to let the anxiety goblins take over.
Godzirra101@reddit
Oestrogen, Bicalutamide and make-up... but those may not be universal solutions lmao
HansProleman@reddit
Self-work in general. Therapy, introspection, shadow work, insight meditation, reading, exercise, journaling inc. gratitude journaling.
ihavebeenmostly@reddit
Make just one life improvement purchase or change each month plus getting some fresh socks and a fresh pair of kicks and only put them on once you've had a good foot soak and scrub 🤤 sooooo fresh.
Other than that spend a good day or two cleaning everything till there is nothing to clean.
Clean refresh repeat.
charizzat@reddit
Eat more pickle
No-Platform-4242@reddit
Doing the things I enjoy, keeping busy and striving for success, hanging out with those people that care about me.
cl69gh@reddit
I had CBT therapy late last year and she said I had low self esteem, didn't have a clue beforehand.Its very difficult to become more confident but am trying Good luck
lujodobojo@reddit
I haven't... Because... When I die fuck it I wanna go to hell because I'm a piece of shit it ain't hard to fucking tell.
HydroSandee@reddit
Stopped drinking, ate well, exercised, slept well. Looking after the basics made everything else click in to place.
togtogtog@reddit
_thetrue_SpaceTofu@reddit
I ike your #1, thanks for that
Toopertonic@reddit
A big one I feel is being aware of confirmation bias - your brain is trying to be efficient and maintain your belief structures rather than do the hard work of changing them. So, if you have low self-esteem you're going to be oriented to remembering all of those things that support the belief, and disregard or twist evidence so that it does. Writing a list of the good things is a good step forward - think of things that might not support a negative belief you hold about yourself, or something that might support a more helpful and positive belief. Also, think about how you might behave if you did believe that positive belief about yourself with more certainty - what if you started acting in this way now? That helps build more evidence. Be aware when you're feeling more down and reflect on what thoughts you're entertaining, and bring it back to that confirmation bias issue. Try and practice self-compassion. It's a long process but it does help.
I would really recommend the Overcoming series for some extra background self-help info on this - it has a range of books each with a different focus (self-esteem included) written by prominent academics and based on scientific literature.
Wishing you all the best 😊
Current_Ad_8567@reddit
Wait... you guys have self esteem?
fuck
doubledgravity@reddit
Without sounding trite, by accepting who I am over who I’d like to be. Or rather who I imagined other people would prefer me to be.
coffinflopenjoyer@reddit
Learned to live without it, it's alright.
HorseFacedDipShit@reddit
I stopped giving a fuck about failing and decided that no matter how many times I fucked up I’d get back up. I can’t make myself the tallest. Or the smartest. Or the strongest. But god damn it I can become the most stubborn son of a bitch out there who is to stubborn to ever quit and define myself by something I chose.
Ok-Amoeba-1190@reddit
Getting out more !!! 🌝🎶
michaelscottdundmiff@reddit
I go to the turkish barbers. Get a haircut, shave, hot towel everything. I then go get a manicure (ive always been self conscious about my hands) they tidy my nails up and make my hands look great. End up feeling and looking really good after.
powermonkey123@reddit
Great education and constant learning throughout life by acquiring new skills and reading tons of books.
and
Keeping a healthy body by having healthy rituals: working out and being active daily, having a healthy diet.
Remember, that people are working for it. You can't expect this to be a given. If you won't invest, nobody will provide it for you.
TomParkeDInvilliers@reddit
Run a marathon
milkywayT_T@reddit
It's all about building your sense of identity and your self perception. Understanding that you as a person are valued and that you have positive qualities - even if they're not always obvious. It's about appreciating yourself and admiring your qualities.
The best thing to do is be comfortable being alone, understanding your preferences, and be kind to yourself.
It's about being able to snap back from criticism quickly, not getting obsessed about rejection and having the confidence to be your authentic self.
On the surface self esteem of course can be fixed with makeup and clothing, but that won't improve your inner self.
EnquirerBill@reddit
I had an abusive upbringing and have had to recover from toxic shame (internalising the rejection of my abuser).
Counselling helped, as did the book 'Shattered Assumptions' by Ronnie Janoff-Bulman.
But, fundamentally, acting on the belief that God is good and that he likes me has been the bedrock of real change (I'm a Christian). This has been the foundation of dealing with the toxic shame.
Re gratitude: I give thanks to God every night for a nice, big, warm bed. I then give thanks for five other things that day.
busymeowing@reddit
Don't aim for self love to start with - that can feel impossible and unattainable. Aim for neutrality and acceptance. Have a little look into radical acceptance! :) It takes time, but I've gone from feeling hatred and vitriol at myself multiple times a day, to meh, to hmm, to hey, I'm pretty awesome :D It's taken me about 4 years, but it's possible. I'm wishing you luck, friend - you deserve self compassion and to feel content in yourself.
bidon2137@reddit
Take care of myself. Exercise, regularly train a sport, sleep a lot, drink/smoke less, read a lot. I understand all that what I am or what people think of me doesn't matter at the end so who the fuck cares innit
y0g1@reddit
Purge all narcissist from your life and replace then with supportive nurturing people who make you feel just fine as you are.
roadsodaa@reddit
Small daily habits that all add up; keeping your living area tidy, ticking tasks off throughout your day that you may be putting off (washing clothes, cleaning etc), having a nice wardrobe collection (doesn’t need to be expensive), a good aftershave collection, skin care routine, nice shower gels), just anything that makes you feel good about yourself.
Having a good social circle and social life is a big one too.
You need to remember self esteem comes from within. You can’t be confident and have high self esteem if you’re dying on the inside.
hadawayandshite@reddit
It might be well-being but I think it’d apply to self esteem too, positive psychology has this thing about character strengths
Here is a survey about them (you have to have an account) you could do (or get a trusted love one to do it if you think you’d be too negative about yourself)
https://www.viacharacter.org
It’ll give you a list of character strengths- the idea is you look at the top 5 and see which ‘resonate’ with you as core parts of you—-then you try to identify ways you could be using them more. If you use them each day for things there’s evidence that you get happier…it might improve self esteem too because you’ll be doing stuff you’re good at
Ecomalive@reddit
Once the negative thoughts start, divert your brain - look at that tree and admire. Watch that person.
OldMotherDemdikeV2@reddit
It helps if you can identify where exactly your feelings are coming from and why.
As others have said, it doesn't do any harm to wear some of your nicer clothes, spend a bit more time on your appearance, and go out somewhere.
I think all the other stuff that helps general low mood and get the good chemicals running like going to the gym, exercising, going for a run, going for a hike especially in some nice countryside.
Spending time with friends and family who uplift you and have fun with.
Volunteering for a good cause and feeling a sense of importance, contribution, achievement. Is there anything you have experience with in your personal life or something you've managed to overcome, which in turn you could help people still struggling with?
Do you have any hobbies or interests to focus on and improve? Any hobbies you've always thought about picking up but never did?
Depending how much you feel this is impacting you, have you ever tried counselling? Counselling can be fantastic if you have the luxury of being able to afford it.
Dumpstar72@reddit
Gym and all that help. But I also did this course just to fix my mental model.
https://www.udemy.com/course/the-ultimate-confidence-coaching-program/
Well explained. Don’t rush through it. Just take it a segment at a time. Gives you enough food for thought to put you on the right level.
leninzen@reddit
Dress well, exercise
itkplatypus@reddit
In my 20s I accepted that like everybody I have flaws and like everybody I have plenty of positive attributes that I probably take for granted.
Realising that made me feel comfortable in my own skin.
Grouchy-Cream-5251@reddit
We all have a list of things we need to do. Just set a date to complete a couple of the items and commit to it. then when you have done it, it's important to congratulate yourself.
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